Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

This is fantastic! I think it would make me sob, if I ever saw it as a film. This is such a great example of a script that takes up a lot of space and feels very full without an obviously dynamic story arc, which is such a difficult thing to accomplish.

You say so much without over-telling the story. Amazing. I would film it today, if I did that sort of thing.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This was a very good script. It's was written well (format-wise), and your descriptions are awesome. You split up the action paragraphs well and made it an easy read.

At first, I didn't know what we going on, but your last line cleared it all up nicely.

I'm not sure if I get the title or Warren's "fine line" line ("It’s a fine line... a fine line"), but other than that, I liked this piece. It was different from everything else I have read.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

What was that stain. I wanna know after the contest is over, please. This man was a genius or at least this is what he think he's. I don't know what's exactly the point you wanted us to get. In the whole script the same thing was happening over and over again. People throwing coins. The stain was apparently the twist in this story. Since I don't know what the stain was I don't think I can tell you much about this story.

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Wait what. I'm just confused...all I got from it was well--an old guy crapping himself. No development. *confused*

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

I don't really get what happened... If he was shot, then make it more clear. The way its described, it could be a couple of things.

I think the problem with this script is the stakes aren't high enough. In a short this short, your protagonist needs something NOW. Warren seems like he's got all the time in the world. The tone needs to be adjusted, so the severity of Warren's situation can be properly read. I'm sure if this was filmed, it'd be great, but since I'm only reading it... He comes across as a starving bum, not a CEO who was just shot.

Or maybe he just is a bum who got shot, and instead of spare change, he needs medical attention.

I don't know.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

After reading this I can't tell if he's homeless or injured, or both. I don't think you were as clear with the misunderstandings the character encounters throughout as you thought you were. Intriguing idea, but something wasn't clear enough.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well written and paced, but there were a lot of missed commas that affected the flow of the story for me. I did not see why the story seemed to focus on the dime more than any other coin. The ending was good for a chuckle, but once we got there, I felt like everything leading up to it was more or less irrelevant. I think this would have been better as a quarter page or even half page script, but a full page seemed to be too much considering the punch line. Anyway, nice job. This was good for a laugh.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I have NO idea what went on here. So what happened?

I have an idea in my head but theres no way any writer(unless he's f*cked up in the head) would go there.

Whats wrong with the main character? Why hold his esteem while hes hurting? I have so many questions. Things weren't clear, for me anyway. Descriptions were fine, but i just got this ambiguous feeling.

Good luck.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This script is weird, but has reasonably good description.

I really don't like the ending, though.

"A bustling busy sidewalk" could be just "A bustling sidewalk".

"Walking slowly and proudly out of a building WARREN (60s) irritates people having to go around him" should be "Walking slowly and proudly out of a building, WARREN (60s) irritates people having to go around him" or even "Walking slowly and proudly out of a building, WARREN (60s) irritates the people who have to go around him".

"Briefly he breaks down but seeing people looking his pride reasserts itself" should probably be "Briefly he breaks down, but seeing people looking, his pride reasserts itself".

"Ashamed he holds back tears" should be "Ashamed, he holds back tears".

"He searches but can not see who threw it" should be "He searches but cannot see who threw it".

"A KINDLY LADY throws a couple of dimes bouncing down then rolling separately" should be something like "A KINDLY LADY throws a couple of dimes, which bounce down then roll separately".

"The lady hustles on keen to avoid a conversation" should be "The lady hustles on, keen to avoid a conversation".

"No, you see I'm not..." could be "No, you see, I'm not..."

I like the two sentences "A quarter bounces with a startling clank on the sidewalk by his legs. It rolls and spins glinting in the light."

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think this would have been been better if the line about 'Fine line' came right at the end. That was effectively your punchline and you used it too soon, in my opinion. It made the rest of it seem superfluous.

Am I to understand that this guy has a bad case of diarrhoea?

Parts of it made no sense to me although I thought it was basically a good idea. Why did he only pick up the one dime? Why didn't he leave all the money or take it all? If he's in trouble, why does he not go back into the house from which he first emerged?

I wasn't quite sure whether this was meant to be funny or whether it was meant to be a moving drama.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Not sure who Warren is here. He's obviously not homeless, but the old suit and unkempt greasy hair leads one to believe he might not be far from it. He's got an embarrassing problem that is more embarrassing than sitting on the sidewalk while passersby throw him change.
I think you could really up the conflict here if it were more clear that he was not homeless before he had his accident and then if a person he knew passed by.
Difficult in a single page, but I believe more interesting.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a great idea for a short script. A man temporarily down and in pain, mistaken for the homeless, who suddenly realizes how thin the line is.

I like the title and the minimalistic dialogue. Your craft is good and I was intrigued by this character. There is a lot of great subtext there.

About the only thing I didn't like was the ending. I think the brown stain is totally unnecessary and ends the script with an ugly note that isn't needed. However, you did need some sort of last beat, I'm just not sure what.

I think with a small rewrite this could be great.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

That was good. Never saw that kind of ending coming. Too funny. Although there is alot of description, it's easy to read, and works well with this story. I thought you pulled off everything very nicely. I'm almost done with this months reviews, and I've only read a few very good scripts, including this one.

David Birch (Level 5)

must have been some bad sushi...a little to blatant with your set-up...i wasn't sure if we were supposed to be directed towards the apparent apathy or concern by those passing by...seems like if some of the pedestrians would have taken the time to "stop in concern", then one of them might have asked him about his condition...but a unique submission, to say the least...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm afraid I didn't understand the story with this one. It appears people are giving Warren spare change, because what? He shit his pants? Fine line? Between being a bum, and what? I don't get it. People aren't going to throw money at him for no reason anyway, even if he is a bum. Too much for a one page effort. I need a little exposition to understand what this story is about.

The writing as it is, is better suited to a short story in a novel. In a screenplay everything that is written in the descriptive paragraphs need to visualized.. precisely. Describe exactly what we see and exactly what actions the character does. Not thinks or feels, or anything like that - unless it can be shown through a characters action. Saying someone is proud, or irritated doesn't do it. A puffed up chest? That's proud. People frown. Does that show irritation? Action, action, action.

A bustling sidewalk. Lose all the ing verb endings. A sidewalk bustles. Okay, with what?
A sidewalk bustles with PEOPLE. You need to capitalize the intro of people when they first appear just as with a single character. Walks slowly. Lose the adverb. Find a different word for walking slowly. Creeps, shuffles, trudges, et al. Make your sentences short and precise. At least that's what I'm told.

I'm sure you are a good storyteller, I just didn't get anything cohesive with a set-up, hook, and resolution here. A one page screenplay is a tough challenge. I'm sure you will do better with the 5 pagers. Invest in a screenwriting book, there are also many resources on the web that can help one learn the screenwritng craft. There are threads on the boards here at MP that address formatting and other improvements we can make. Keep writing.

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

This is was nice, i like the idea of him mistaken for a mendicant. But i don't really understand what happened to Warren in the beginning.

Howard Jenson (Level 2)

Funny ending, that I definitely was not expecting. The writing was solid, it gave me the impression that this was a sad story so I was anticipating a tragic conclusion of sorts.

I thought the building he walked out of was going to be revealed at the end which would explain is sickness. A methadone clinic or something.

With what we are given it is impossible to determine anything about him.

Not bad, surprising finish.

Ian Rand (Level 1)

I felt for Warren, but I wasn't really sure what was happening to him. Was he having a breakdown? Why were people originally there to assist and yet hours later he was still alone? I did like the reference to a "fine line"... I'm just not sure what the distinction was... between well and sick? homeless and? All in all, I liked what (I think) you set out to do, I just got a bit lost along the way.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I thought this was a very powerful short short. The dialogue and action seemed very well integrated. Warren's need for compassion and the pride which incapacitates him is really compelling.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

I liked this script. It was humorous and well written. I didn't spot any mistakes or errors. It gets a 4/5 for entertainment. It doesn't have that wow factor, but hey, if it was two pages I'm sure you'd get full marks. A nice title as well. I suppose I could ask questions like why does this man collapse outside when indoors was just as convenient behind him, but I don't care. The entertainment value beats that logic.

Well done and all the best.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I liked it even if I didn't fully understand it. It was well written and a unique story. I'm not exactly sure what the story is supposed to convey to me which it what I thought kept it from being a great script. I liked the characters and imagery.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

The story has a lot of feeling, but I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say. Is the man homeless? Or is it supposed to be unclear whether he's homeless or not? Or maybe that's your point: that any one of us could be mistaken for a homeless person in the wrong situation.

The story makes sense if he's not homeless, but only sick. But if that's the case, why does he reach for the loose change? Is he not quite homeless but really poor?

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Your script paints a good picture, but it's not really something we want to see. I can't see why someone would want to watch a movie of this. The description was a bit much in some places, like "dance in shaken concentration". Good writing, I hope next time you pick a subject more interesting than diarrhea.

John Brooke (Level 5)

I took the bait and your writing skill reeled me in all the way to your bummer at the end!

The once proud man is brought down to being an ordinary human with a bowel problem. His self esteem compels him to wait until dark to conceal his socially unacceptable fecal incontinence. Your portrait of a proud man shamed and humiliated brought down by his own bowels rings true. A man willing to pay the the price of his pride.

A fine line indeed separates us from the animal dramatized in your short little film.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Hmmm, sorry but I didn’t like this. A few random criticisms:

- Some of your writing is hard to read and follow. I would add a few more commas, just to break things up.
- Why does Warren clutch his stomach? Is he a drunk with a stomach ulcer?
- And I’m not sure of the point of the brown stain. It seemed a little slapstick, at odds with what went before.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Hahahaha…he doodled on himself. What a way to end it. I thought he got shot or stabbed. The way people mistook him for a bum was funny, but a bit unrealistic. People wouldn’t be throwing change at him like that. That sort of stole away from the story. There are people who are actually begging, or have a sign asking for money, and who appear to fully need the money, and they have a hard time getting it.

The action descriptions were a bit jumbled together. You should strive to present a change in what the viewer sees with a new line. Other than that you did a great job and this was, in general, a good read.

Josh Crosson (Level 2)

Good story here. I like the title also, very catchy...

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

Your descriptions are good. I really enjoyed the pictures you painted with your words. I didn't think that your story was compelling enough for a one page script, though. What is lacking is the story behind Warren. Why is he dressed the way he is if he's not homeless? To be honest I had to read your script three times to get why Warren was hiding on the wall. I get it now but it wasn't all that clear on the first read.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I was struck by your word choice of "appalled". People are appalled by an old, unkempt, suffering man? Put off, maybe, or slightly repelled. But appalled?

"Briefly he breaks down". He breaks down briefly, I think you should say. That said, I always have such a difficult time watching men cry on film, especially when they're supposed to be in public. If a man is in war and watches his buddy die, or in a bad relationship and watches his wife leave, OK, those are situations that I can accept a man crying. But not in public. It just doesn't seem real. I've never seen a man cry in public. Not even in a political campaign. :)

You don't need a new scene heading. You can just plug in a shot heading that says: "SAME - TWILIGHT" since the location is the same. We know that he's still in the street. And that goes for the final shot: "SAME - NIGHT".

A large brown stain. He has irritable bowel syndrome? He defecated all over himself? What? What a bizarre ending you chose. I'm not saying I don't like it, I'm just saying that I don't think it makes a very enjoyable movie! I'm left wondering, "Why?"

You're obviously a talented writer, even if I'm not a fan of this particular idea. I'm still rating it a Good.

Len Ramirez (Level 2)

The story had me going, but left me 'dry' at the end. I felt let down. Not sure if that's what you were trying to achieve. There were some formatting issues such as no FADE IN or FADE OUT. Also, you need to check your grammar. There were a lot of issues with missing punctuation. Submitting a script improperly formatted and checked for accuracy is a deal killer.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

A bit unclear. But the bit with the coins is an interesting visual image.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love this. Very well written. Great character and good supporting characters. I love the dialogue. The visuals are extraordinary. It's intriguing and moving. The flow and pace are great. It's an entire story in one page. I look forward to finding out who you are.

Excellent work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

An upset stomach, huh? Not pretty, but good storytelling. Everyone thought he was a beggar putting on a show when he really wasn't. I felt this story has potential to being made. Good job.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I don't understand Warren's comment and your title..."It's a fine line".

Your writing is a bit hard to understand. I had to read the first paragraph a few times...your sentences just didn't flow well and I kept gettinrg tripped up.

The idea was good. He obviously had an accident and was embarrassed. I didn't understand him though. The way you describe him he sounded like a homeless guy, but why was he coming out of that building? And why couldn't he run back in to go to the bathroom?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There is a fine line, between toilet humor just for its sake and something else, I forget. Right, actual humor. However I did laugh (even though my first reaction was disgust) at the ending, so it's off the hook.

"Briefly he breaks down but[,] seeing people looking[,] his pride reasserts itself and he waves people on and [in?] acknowledgement to anyone who looks at him." Thee is a distinct lack of punctuation in this sentence, and when reading some of the clauses ran together in my mind so I couldn't understand it properly on first viewing. I have made amendments as to how I think it should be, but couldn't guess what "and acknowledgement" was supposed to mean (it's acknowledgment, as well).

Otherwise it was good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I have mixed feelings about this script. It's an interesting concept but I've seen the "mistaken for being homeless" gag a few times before and I felt the ending was a bit crude. It's well-written but some of the action reads a little awkwardly. You could probably tighten it up and make things clearer.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Well done. 3 acts. Warren is a character, a prideful one, with a problem to solve, which he does. It works because you can sustain the reader's curiosity over a page, but any longer and readers would be frustrated with a lack of conflict from their point of view. What I mean is that you as the writer know why Warren is behaving the way he is, but as a reader, I don't know until after I've read the entire piece. If the piece were longer, a reader might not make it to the end to learn what's driving Warren's actions.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought that was interesting but ultimately it didn't really make a whole lot of sense to me. He might not have been begging but he should have been asking for help or something - after all he seemed kind of sick. I think what made this not work for me was the contrived notion that his suit was old and his hair was mussed. If you had a reason for these two things then it might have worked better for me. Likewise, if he was in a new suit and his hair was neat and maybe if through some misfortunes his suit gets torn and his hair mussed, that would have worked with me too. Neat idea for something to say with your script but I think it could uses some work.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

I had a tough time reading parts of it because of your style of writing. I've rewritten a couple parts below to show parts that I had issues with and how I'd rewrite them. This is obviously just my opinion, but since I can't figure out how to explicitly state what I had issues with I figured this would be the most helpful.

"A bustling sidewalk. WARREN, a suit-wearing 60 year old with unkempt, greasy hair, walks slowly and proudly out of a building. As he exits, he ignores the irritated people attempting to pass around him."

"He briefly breaks down, but regains his composure after noticing people's stares. Warren waves people on and nods in acknowledgment to anyone showing their concern."

spelling: acknowledgement should be acknowledgment

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

ooh this is sad, poor Warren, how embarrassing for him!

I do want to know what building he's walked out of and why he's so proud, has he just got a job? But I also like the ambiguity, leaving a little for the audience to fill in.

I wasn't sure why others were apalled until the last line, poor old guy, and he refuses help. this is a good comment on people's pride, especially our elders' pride, they have a lot more of it.

This is well written but I feel it lacks something as we aren't told of Warren's plight until the end so we don't understand his conflict -I didn't anyway, I just thought he was ill and didn't want anyone to help him.

Perhaps a reason for his pride and maybe a whiff of what's happened to him on some of the passersby, sniffing the air as they pass?

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Huh? Another story that went over my head. and, what is your aversion to proper punctuation. many, many, many sentences need a comma added where the comma rules grammatically say it should be. "brown stain down his back inside leg"? What is that? I suppose it's up to me to speculate, put my own meaning to the image? in fact, all of the man's action need my own speculation. and, I totally didn't understand the theme of "it's a fine line." I've heard "it's a fine line" in many contexts. so, I'm not sure which anecdote you are referring to here. I think the old man just needed to poop and a downtown business street is the only place to go. then, I don't understand the line, "pride reasserts itself." If pride really does reassert itself, the old man pulls up his pants and moves on, right? and, passerbys are watching this man poop his pants and feel he needs money instead of a diaper? like I said, it's over my head and I didn't understand it.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Vivid, but lacking any real story. Okay, the guy has an upset stomach. But why does he only pick up the dime? At what point does he decide that he's too good to take charity, but assumes that he can break his vow and pick a single dime? What is the significance of the dime? Why not pick up some quarters and go to the laundromat?

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Interesting concept. I thought at first this was a drama with an O. Henry ironic feel to it, but the ending with Warren crapping his pants, it gave the story a light, comedic fell. Of course, with a story limited to one-page, some questions I am wondering about...

Who is Warren exactly? Why is he dressed like that?
What is ailing him physically? Did he just have diarrhea?

The screenwriting is fine, although I'm a fan of shorter narrative paragraphs and cropped action sentences, which curtails over-descriptions and creates a faster, fluid read. Format overall appears good.

There are a few commas missing throughout which caused the read to stall a bit, not the biggest deal, just a heads up.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

The writing here was fine, but I'm sort of undecided on the story itself.

Why is Warren in pain? I'm afraid I didn't quite understand what that had to do with anything.

I think I understood the rest, but that pain thing just didn't seem to play into the script. At least not to me, but I might just be exceptionally dense... It has happened before.
Unless Warren gets sick and everyone mistakes that as being "in need/homeless".
What was the stain on his pant leg? I'm confused, I guess...

This will probably be the most useless review you get so just ignore. okay! :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I kept feeling like I was missing something here. Warren exits the building proud but looking a mess. He seems to have a problem and sinks against the wall unable to stop himself from going to the bathroom. It seems that people mistake him for homeless or helpless and begin to throw money at him. I can see how you wanted to display the difference from people that genuinely are in need and the people that only seem to be in need but your closing scene confused me. Why does he only pick up the dime? When Warren exits and leaves how is he changed? I expected him to maybe scoop the money and give it to someone genuinely in need or take it to a store and buy new pants or something but I missed the arc you were trying to create for this character.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I wasn't sure what to make of this. This guy crapped his pants? Because he's old and couldn't control it? I wasn't sure if he was a homeless guy or not. And I'm not sure what the message is here. I felt bad for the guy.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Ah! A quite literal interpretation of toilet humor.

It works at some levels because you make the descriptions interesting. However, a key description about his hair being unkempt and clothes disheveled is mentioned from the first time we see him.

Why is he in this state? It's obvious he has a upset stomach but has he made frequent trips to the bathroom and therefore is in such bad physical shape?

And is problem isn't really over, is it? The street might have emptied out but there's still the trip home. in that sense you leave a lot to the imagination and a vivid image to end with.

The title and the dialog that used it doesn't quite work for me. A fine line between being considered homeless and destitute or one between being ashamed and mainting one's pride?

I guess it's a bit of both. Drama...check! Conflict...check! Sustainability...needs some work.

Given more than one page I'd like to see if this can be expanded.

Well, you have the five pagers and enough skill on display to prove yourself there.

Script away!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I had to read this twice and I am still a little confused. So the guy went potty in his pants? I'm not sure. I don't know what else it could be, so the guy has an accident, and people think he's homeless?

I like the realness of the story, I mean, accidents do happen LOL.. but I just don't knwo how this would play on film.. and if people would wonder what the point of telling this story would be.. unless its to say, don't be too quick to judge someone else's behavior?

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Interesting story. You do a good job of describing Warren and making me wonder why he's on the street against the wall letting people pass him if he's in distress. So, the ending answers that. I also think you chose well in telling this story in a super short format. However, I didn't really get the irony that I think you were trying to convey. Or, if you weren't trying to convey irony than I really didn't get it. But, either way, it confused my simple mind and I would prefer to see a little less symbolism.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I totally didn't understand this story. Warren apparently has some kind of gastrointestinal problem, and he collapses against a wall in a bustling downtown area. People are concerned, but Warren is embarrassed and too proud to ask for assistance. Believing he's indigent, people begin dropping coins. He's ashamed and tries to tell them he's not needy, but he can't get the words out, and no one will listen anyway. One dime attracts his attention, so he picks it up. An entire day passes, and eventually he leaves. He has soiled his pants. A very tragic incident, for sure, but I don't get the story value. (Punctuation could use a little work, too.)

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

I liked it and it had a good sense of humor. The problem with it is that I did not understand the ending. What was happening to him. Other than this there is a problem. Some characters define themselves and for some you have to do a little extra effort. Well I guess this one was which needed an extra effort.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Nicely done. I was wondering if he was dieing, an alien was gonna pop outta his stomach, or if he had to defecate. I was right, but unsure if I was right.

This was a nice little story with a good payoff of a twist. You did cram some lines in there that should have been alone:

"a bustling busy sidewalk" should be by it's lonesome with the next sentence "walking slowly and proudly..." on the next line down. The first line would have been an establishing shot, so it would be alone. I understand you crammed it in there due to the constraints of this contest, but really, you should have done it properly.

This same problem arise when you show of him looking around not knowing who threw the quarter, then a lady throws down a dime. The shot of him looking around would be seperate to the shot of the lady throwing the dime, unless you intended them to all be one continuous take. In that case, I'm sure this format will suffice. However, I don't think that was your intent, as you've got the dime falling into a crack, this is too precise of an action for it to be one shot as it would go unnoticed with the lady and the man in the frame. The dime falling into the crack should be on a line itself as well.

This type of formatting problem is running rampant throughout this contest. It's going to make it hard to judge, as we ARE judging on the merits of what is being asked of us this contest, so cramming all of our shots into one long, prose-like, sentence should be the means of a lower score.

That really isn't your beef, It's just something that should be brought up in general.
Your story was great, I loved it, and thought very highly of it.

Great Job!!!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Interesting story of a man mistaken as a bum. The story was alright until he got up and walked off at the end and we see his "brown stain." Ewwww. You should remove this peice as it confuses the story of an old man of mistaken identity.

In your opening description this line could be cut, "A bustling busy sidewalk." Bustling and busy say the same thing to me. Why not just say, "A busy sidewalk." Further, I thought this entire description could be rewritten and tightened.

Example: "A busy sidewalk. Older than dirt and slower than paint, WARREN, shuffles from a building, irritates younger more spry people who have to dodge and move around him.

For a spec I might write EXT. BUSINESS DISTRICT - STREET - DAY instead of EXT. DOWNTOWN BUSINESS STREET - TWILIGHT.

I found your story premise to be good and the script needing minor tightening or adjustments. After your adjustments, I would love to reread this story.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

So I see this all playing out in slow motion. This reminded me a little of a sketch show called 'Jam'. Basically, very dark comedic sketches. Very much a social commentary.

For the sluglines, you can just write TWILIGHT and then NIGHT. You don't need to write the whole location part down again, as that hasn't changed. I guess that's up to personal preference though.

I can't really make my mind up about this one. I think it would look pretty cool and creepy and makes a statement. The whole s$^&ting himself part though, I'm not sure about. In fact, I don't really know why he's doing this.

1 page might have been just too fine a limit for this one. I give the highest mark yet though...which is *drum roll* VERY GOOD.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Sorry I didn't get this at all. What exactly is this character about? Overall this felt unfinished.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I find your descriptions to be a little stiff and complicated. Why do you make such a big deal of that dime?

Tim Westland (Moderator)

A complete story in 1 page is hard, and you've done it. Congratulations.

It's a sad story. A shame we had to leave it on such a down note.

You need to check your punctuation. Although I am not in love with comma's, you really need to understand and use them when needed. A number of your sentences take an extra read because a necessary comma is missing. It really did affect my read.

I'm not clear why he takes the dime, what its significance is...

Keep on writing.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I really didn't get this script. Very vague and with little resolution at the end. I think if you added some more backstory, made Warren a little more understandable and explained the dime a bit more, I think this story would be much, much more enjoyable.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

"Glancing around
as the people keep passing he searches for a way out before
fatigue makes him sit down." This is one of the too many sentences that need cleaned up. He searches for a way out of where? I honestly don't know what the brown stain is; did he just crap his pants? Is it blood? I like the scenario of a man being thought of as a derelict even though he isn't and I like the title as well.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You had me two thirds of the way. There was a sense of reality, of pathos, of misunderstanding and Warren's inner pride; but you lost me with the ending. I expected more than getting a coin to go to the bathroom. Instead, I expected some human or social statement. Misdirection is fine, but I expected something more than a bathroom joke. I truly emphasized with this man.

Even so, this is well written. You create vivid images that are quite cinematic. The time lapses work well, too. In brief, I found this a well written script that headed towards something really moving and backed away at the last minute.

You have skill and talent as a writer. Keep after it.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Why would he say "it's a fine line"? More importantly, why the hell would he sit there so long? Yes, someone's pride would get in the way, but wouldn't he ultimately want to get the hell out of there? Being in a city of nameless faces is one thing, but what if someone he knew exited or entered the building? He would have reacted much, much sooner to avoid complete and definitive embarrassment.

Even so, with his character being unkempt and the like, what are you trying to really say about Warren - mistaken stereotype?

One of the major elements that made this difficult to read was the lack of punctuation. For example: "Briefly he breaks down but seeing people looking his pride reasserts itself and he waves people on and nods acknowledgement to anyone who looks at him" should be ""Briefly, he breaks down. As he sees people watching his pride reasserts itself and he waves people on, nodding acknowledgment to anyone who looks at him."

Once you clean up the punctuation, the story will definitely flow much better and will certainly have more of an impact.

Fix: "out of a building WARREN" (comma after "building"), "The lady hustles on keen" (huh?).

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Hmm. At first I thought he was scamming people, and then I thought he just had a bad case of the runs, and then I thought maybe he was internally bleeding or something, but then why could he suddenly walk away... In other words, I'm not sure it's really clear what this one ia about. I like the idea, but I'm still not entirely sure what that idea is. If you could clear that up a little, this would be really good. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 10:39 AM

I can't believe this didn't place. It is an excellent story. Sometimes I wonder if other reviewers are reading the same scripts I am. The story and the telling are so good that I didn't notice anything wrong with the wording or format (I still don't).

This is one of the five scripts I'm selecting my favorite three from.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2009 3:39 PM

Thanks for all the comments. Margaret, I really appreciate your comment.

I based this on something I actually saw. I know real life often makes bad movies but I wanted to attempt to recreate a feeling that I had. What actually happened was...

I was walking along a business street in downtown Pittsburgh when a short weather beaten old man with unkempt greasy hair wearing a smart gray suit walked the other way. As I got close he backed against the wall and we exchanged nods. I thought it was a bit odd so I looked back and saw a large brown stain down his back inside leg as he turned the corner.

I thought it neither funny nor disgusting. Actually it was tragic and I was attempting to recreate that sensation with this script. I'm glad that it succeeded to some extent. I knew it was a challenge and perhaps I over worked it, but then again I could have sanitized it more.

The dime was intended to be a visual representation of the fine line concept. I also thought that the fallen business man reduced to begging by his pride works as a comment on the times.