Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

Very nice. the plot was not smashed over our heads and it had a great payoff. nice structure, great characters. well done!

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This is a smooth read, but wow -- that paragraph at the beginning is about three times as long as it should be. Just taking the first three sentences:

"LISA REYNOLDS (48), dressed in a crisp blue and white seersucker skirt suit leans against the side of her BMW convertible. The front of her clothing is covered with blood. She seems physically fine, but her face registers shock, and she is crying."

could be shortened to:

"LISA REYNOLDS, 48, in a crisp suit covered with blood, leans against her BMW convertible, crying."

You really don't need all those extra words to put the proper image in someone's head. The description would be fine for a short story or novel, but for a script, it's over-written.

I'm not sure I really understand why Rich would be so quick to make the leap from putting a deer out its misery (regrettable but necessary) to offing two people he doesn't even know. I think with some trimming and a bit more set-up for Rich, it could be a lot more effective.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked the understated ending - although I think I guessed what was going on - but cleverly achieved, anyway.

I'm always being criticised for wordy descriptions and I think that applies to you too! It made it quite stodgy as a read, but the story itself wasn't stodgy, if you see what I mean.

I'm worried that a lot of time was spent on dialogue in the truck - describing past accidents - which didn't actually further the plot.

Also - Rich told Lisa 'this is what will happen' and then they did it (went to the diner etc.) which, again was a waste of valuable script time.

Great idea though, with some tightening up.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Clever story, but I think you gave too much of it away. After page one when she's covered in blood and acting a bit suspicious, as soon as we see the wedding ring and he asks about the husband - I knew he was in the trunk. A few less clues and I think this would work really well.

The opening description seemed long and dragged on. Should cut it down. Also, not sure about the tow truck driver's motivation for killing the husband and girlfriend. Perhaps you could tie it to the rut as well - he could make a comment at the end that he did something for her, now it's her turn...

All-in-all, nice job. Think a couple of changes could make a big difference.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title.

I think the dialogue is fantastic and I love your attention to detail. This was a very fun read and a great idea for a story, but I think it might be a little ambitious for 5 pages. I just don't believe that Rich would shoot them after knowing so little about her.

That said, I think if this were a little longer and there was more time to create some chemistry this could be an excellent little Film Noir'esque drama.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Very nice idea, but the ride was a bit bumpy. The scene/action description is sometimes choppy and uneven, and doesn't work well to build the scene in some cases. I love the fact that Lisa never speaks; very cool, and works well to build tension. And I REALLY LOVE the discovery of the captives in the car's trunk. But you should have ended it there, or found another way to conclude the story. I don't for a moment believe that Rich would kill these two people just to get laid (unless this town is some sort of Stephen King-inspired horrorville, which you have not established). Overall, this script is very strong, and I urge you to do another draft.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Great ending! Well done and well written.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Nice work. I liked the cyclic nature of the visuals. I liked the way the last lines can apply to the husband and the protagonist. The pacing could improve with a little more tension/danger/misdirection. Scary. Banality of evil and all that...

Jeanette Miller (Level 3)

I liked it overall, but a few things gave me pause...

If she was covered in blood, I think the waitress would direct her to a restroom to clean up before letting her sit at the counter.

Also, I was distracted by cutting away to the birds the first time, even though it's done again later. Maybe a reaction shot from the woman would work? First time relief, second time confusion?

And lastly, I didn't get the tow truck driver's motivation for shooting the two in the trunk.

Jordan Entin (Level 3)

Wow very shocking! It was a very good story. I thought Rich's manner of speaking was very true to his character and seemed realistic. The parts about accidents with deer were also graphic and extremely believable. I wish you had addressed what Rich did with the couple a little bit more though.

Larry Basch (Level 3)

Whew!! Great buildup to the ending. My only question is whether Rich has enough involvement to finish off the two in the trunk. Maybe a little more depth to his character?

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Nice little script - very well written. I didnt really mind that Lisa as a character didnt do much but whimper and nod, though I think you could tighten that opening part a little bit. I think you had very good use of the criteria, seemed very natural for the scene.

The ending was a bit of a leap for Rich, but I enjoyed it. I think it gave nice closure. Good job!

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I like the fact that Lisa never speaks. It surrounds her with a little mystery. My only concern: would Rich really shoot two strangers in cold blood? I'm not sure...

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

Very good. I like the twist at the end. I would have liked to see a bit more foreshadowing to explain the twist. Great tie in with the title and all. I like the visuals during the gunshots. All in all pretty good. Maybe some motivation for the ending. Personally I like it how it is.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Good story! I had a few issues with the script though. The first was your descriptions, though good, were a bit long. I used to be ok with that but the more I read, the more I want white space. The other issue that there was not enough backstory for Rich to help us understand why he behaved as he did. Overall, good job, you are a talented storyteller.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I liked that this one centered around one emotional moment (or, at least, it did until it took an unexpected twist). I missed that Rich was a tow-truck operator at first, I thought he was just a random passer-by, so I was a little confused at why he was being so helpful until I re-read it. I liked the direction it took at the end, but I'm a little confused as to why Lisa was so willing to let Rich take the car and why Rich participated in covering it up. Could've been more brutal if the car had been sent to the auto-wreckers!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I think I was a little confused about this one.

Why was there a couple in the trunk? Were they alive or dead?

I read it twice, but still wasn't 100% clear on what was going on. The writing itself was nice, but perhaps a little wordy for a screenplay occasionally. Also the very first paragraph was way too long. It needs to be broken up more.

The story and the telling of it was well done. I was just confused about the couple in the trunk and Rich's last line of dialogue.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Loved this. Great title. Really kept the intrigue going in well drawn style. The Woman wasn't suspicious by NOT speaking - the shock and trauma of the incident (as it appeared) seemed very natural. I slight tip of the hand with the Husband question. Possibly change his line to: Anyone with you? Husband go for help or something? Nice touch with Rich's line to the deer. Felt it. My only problem was the couple in the trunk. It's pretty much an assured thing that Lisa caught them cheating and handled things themselves but I didn't buy Rich finishing them off. Partially due to the sympathy he showed the deer. Maybe if his radio was playing the news of a local prominent businessman caught in a sex scandal it would play better but I didn't see Rich/Lisa ever happening. I did like his analogy at the end but it would have worked better for me if Rich had more motivation. Still, you know how to write very well and this one capitvated my attention all the way through.

Rob O'Hannon (Level 2)

Interesting and ironic. There were some subtle clues as to what was happening in the script, which was good.

Understanding this was a short script, what could have helped was a bit more of a reaction, or some dialog clues, as to the relationship problem with her husband.

There also needed to be a bit more reason for Rich to do what he does at the end, which could play into the above. Maybe there share a moment on the way back where she reveals something and he reacts. Given the dialog on the deer accidents there is plenty of room for that.

All in all very well done, set up with a few tweaks to be worthy of production.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I always felt that Lisa would be the protagonist but you do a very nice switch through your pacing and it ends up being Rich's story more than anything else.

I guess he has taken it upon himself to be the go to guy to fix any problem mechanical or social.

Why did he feel the need to kill Lisa's husband who was obviously cheating on her with the young woman in the trunk? Why couldn't he just call the cops? He seemed like a logical person who kept his emotions in check, when he killed the buck? Was killing Lisa's husband his twisted logic on being judge and executioner?

That is what we'll never know. But do we care.

I did not. But some viewers might. Perhaps some reveal about his back story would help.

I thought the three monologues were effective and the final rounds off the story well but you left me wanting for more.
Also we never know what was Rich's role in both the calls he talks about during his monologues, besides being the tow truck guy? Because he never killed those two bucks maybe he felt like he could have done more for the victims and prevented their agony.

I like the mood and the setting and especially love the executions taking place in a different location while we watch a meadow or birds flying.

Your use of the theme is effective and the title is apt once you read the script but is misleading if you have not read the script.

Format is fine though the opening paragraph could be better phrased and broken into shorter chunks.

Very nice indeed.

Stan Tjaden (Level 3)

Good story, twist set up and came unexpected. Narrative action okay.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! I'm going to have a smile on my face for awhile, thank you. Not much to say negative about this. The dialogue is smooth and realistic, the visuals beautifully done, brief easily understood descriptive writing. A typo is on the last page "he stool". This is the first script I've read for this month, but I'm still confident it'll be a contender. Thanks for sharing.

William Coleman (Level 5)

The duality of the piece works. I liked the enigma at the end, the suggestion rather than saying. The dialog is natural and direct, but also oblique. I sense danger implied throughout, but you really surprised me at the end. There's no lag, nothing extraneous. One of the better ones.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2007 12:08 AM

Congratulations!

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2007 12:42 AM

I loved this one--great job!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/1/2007 12:57 AM

Congrats, Kirsten (I'm calling the police to check your trunk). Nice job.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2007 4:30 AM

This was one of my favorites too. Many actors would love to play Rich's part. Congrats.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2007 5:20 AM

Congratulations!!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2007 6:59 AM

Kirsten, your writing inspires me. Congrats on placing and I know we'll be seeing your name in the winner's area quite a bit in the future. Great job!

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2007 7:04 AM

lol. Thanks. I took a break this month. I figured if I gruesomely killed off another cheating man - it might just leave people a tad frightened of me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/1/2007 8:19 AM

Great stuff Kirsten! Really enjoyed it.

Don Riemer (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2007 8:25 AM

Kirsten, great job, as always. This was a terrific script. Possibly my favorite script this month.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2007 8:44 AM

Congrats, Kirsten!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2007 9:15 AM

I'm beginning to think you might have some anger management issues. :)

Seriously, I love your writing style. Your craft is excellent and your scripts are always such a fun read.

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3) ~ 7/25/2007 3:18 PM

Kirsten,

Fun script. Don't know why, but I kept picturing Larry The Cable Guy as Rich! He definitely felt like a real character.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3) ~ 7/25/2007 4:10 PM

okay - that is just weird - because whenever I conjured him up in my head - physically he matched Larry the Cable Guy to a tee. That's just wierd.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 5/23/2011 2:08 AM

I love this story! Although I was not expecting the ending AT ALL, it completely made sense to me. Rich obviously completely understood why Lisa had tied them up and poked them with a sharp stick (or whatever she did) and in his worldview, people take care of problems like that themselves (with a shotgun). No need to explain further. I liked his matter of fact telling of the gruesome incidents and how he shot the deer (basically saying "sorry, but this has to be done"). I would not change anything about this, except maybe the description of Lisa's outfit because I have no idea what seersucker skirt is, and maybe the cafe worker would offer her a towel or something. Brilliant script. I hope someone films it.