Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well written, unpredictable, good story. You could probably cut out some of the extraneous characters like Jackie's two friends. They served an expository purpose but I'm sure you could figure out other ways to get the info across. Aside from that though, I didn't notice much that I thought needed improving here. Nice job.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This has reasonably good description overall. However, streetlights don't reflect light, they emit it. Perhaps the light is then reflected, by puddles or something, but it's not reflected by the streetlights themselves.

This is a decent pastiche of the genre, although the sentence "We're in film noir land with a vengeance." is perhaps unnecessary since this is already clear from the rest of the script. Putting "a film noir" after the title (although still not strictly required) feels more fitting.

Not groundbreaking, but a reasonable entry in the genre.

The more likeable characters that there are could perhaps have been concentrated on more, though.

Character names only need to be in bold when they're introduced and for dialogue.

"a job that should have been her's" should be "a job that should have been hers".

Saying "Pete enters in b.g." is intially confusing for the reader. It would be better just to say something like "Pete enters in the background."

The sentence "In its shadows a THUGGISH MAN stands." sounds clumsy. It's best just to say something simpler like "A THUGGISH MAN stands in the shadows."

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This seems awfully familiar to me. Was it perhaps a DQ from another contest? Action? Yes.

By the way - it was DQd because of lack of action. The fact that I remember it isn't because I have special privileges as a Moderator, but because I reviewed it fully before it was DQd.

Basically, this is a good story BUT there are so many anomalies in it, formatting-wise and screenplay-convention wise that it's hard to break through to appreciate the story. I don't know if you have been submitting scripts since this was DQd in January 2008 but the glitsches in this have been highlighted month after month by so many people that it's hard to imagine why you didn't take advantage of the time to amend this script so that the story shone through. Hence - a review that is more hard-hitting than I would normally be.

It drives a lot of people MAD when people put the title in a different font. It's worth avoiding ANYTHING that could annoy if you want your work to have the best possible chance. In addition, I don't think it's a good idea to say this is a FILM NOIR - maybe it doesn't meet the known parameters of the genre. Risky!

Risky also to state 'we're in Film Noir land' - let your audience decide that.

Why do you capitalise words such as ALLEY? I remember, the last time I read this, having to look up what a shiv was - so at least I don't have to do that this time.

You don't need the CONTINUEDS

There are rather too many details that aren't followed through when Jackie, Marcia and Kelly talk - all about Wayman? For a non-existent character, you've made him hold a lot of weight.

It's not current practice to put action lines so frequently in parentheticals. Neither is it usual in a spec script, to put in camera angles and directions. That's for a shooting script.

A neat twist at the resolution, and this is really a screenoplay that is worth tidying up.

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

This is one of the most well-written stories I've read this month. It is refreshing to read a peice that has no typos, grammatical errors or misspelled words. Leading your reader to think that Jackie was the next victim and then finding out she was just setting someone else, up was a nice touch. I think we all daydream about something evil happening to the boss-from-hell. It appears that you have a screenwriting program, but at the top and bottom of some of your pages there was a "CONTINUED." Did your software automatically add that or did you? CONTINUEDs added to the bottom and then the top of the next page are not expected anymore and are rarely used. BUT I will put aside my CONTINUED prejudice and give you a high score. Nice job.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I really enjoyed this one, but can't help thinking that I've read it before. Thinking it might have been entered in another contest.

Very well written, though a bit of the description may have been a little too dramatic. Really enjoyed the twist and thought it ended perfectly.

Nice work here, think this could be a contender.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ok, this was well written. I wouldn't say it was really a noir piece. It paced fine, but left me uninterested. I do like the fact that you went with the woman as a killer, maybe not THE killer, but either way.

Some things to consider: Show us don't tell us. Let the story give the noir feel. Just tell the story lose those little extras such as (b.g.) and camera angles. They just slows the read down. Oh lose those (continued)s at the bottom and top of the page. Check out the Scriptwriters Bible.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love Film Noir and I enjoyed this.

Although, I think Film Noir is a tough genre to write in five pages. You have so little time for plotting and character work and yet equally important is the style, tone, and atmosphere.

You nailed the style, tone, and atmosphere for me. It all felt shadowy, dark, and a little seedy. However, I'm not so sure about the plot or the characters. With a five page limit, I never felt like I knew or truly cared for anyone one. I was never sure who I was rooting for or against.

If you rewrite this and expand it just a bit, I think it could be very good.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was very good. Great job in building the tension throughout the story. I really thought Jackie was going to get it. I also liked the twist at the end and how she got away with murder. The story flowed well and was an easy read.

Very good job!

David Birch (Level 5)

there are some formatting issues...i.e. ALLEY ENTRANCE should be given its own slugline if you put it in CAPS...you put MALE FIGURE in caps, but don't give him anything else...he should have some dialog...filming in 'noir' would be a production decision made by the studio/director...if you crafted your story well enough, it will scream noir on its own...some things to build upon...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

If a script is film noir, I'll feel it from the read (visuals, dialogue, and story) and don't have to be told in the script that that's what I'm reading. That being said, it did have that noir feel, in spades.

Good Job with the descriptions although character traits in parenthesis might be frowned on. It is better to show character through actions and dialogue. Five pages, I'll put you down for taking a shortcut and let it slide. I liked the story.

Some may complain about the camera direction in a spec script, but it worked okay for me. Listing the title on every page was clutter and isn't normally used in a spec.

I thought the story was gritty, the cops, the femme fatal. Good Job

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Nice story. Well written. I wouldn't change a thing.

Harriet Barbir (Level 0)

Nicely written descriptions that made for great visual storytelling. Thought that Pete going in to warn the bartender about this latest killing didn't ring true and was there just to serve the story. Nice twist but wanted to know who this other lurker was. Not sure of the significance of the last scene with jackie at the office. Did I miss something?

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

It's okay. Not inspiring to read. The ending can do with a touch up. Your format can also be improved in places.

Story-wise, this isn't wonderful. The thuggish man caught in the act, although well executed here, not original to say the least. The ending wasn't much of a punchline. I don't think a rewrites worth it.

All the best.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

Started off promising and then got even better. It felt a bit like seven mixed with old school film noir. I didn't see the turn coming and the story wrapped up very nicely. You could see her sitting there with a wry smile almost. Bravo.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

You don't need to tell us it's noir (twice!). Your description and the world you create paint that picture for us.

I liked the story. The twist with Jackie being the shiv was unexpected and set up well. I didn't really understand who the thuggish man they captured was.

The scenes felt noir-ish, but the dialog felt modern and a little bland. Since you're going for the noir setting, you can really push their speech. You don't have to go as far as 'Brick', but don't be afraid to be a little over-the-top or cartoonish. Here's a link with some quotes (http://www.mysterynet.com/movies/profiles/profile_talking.shtml), and any Raymond Chandler novel is just dripping with this kind of stuff.

John Brooke (Level 5)

If you want to get ahead get a shiv, and be in the right place at the right time. The fortuitous series of events seem just a little too synchronic for me to swallow. Sure I know about suspending belief, but there is a limit to blind luck. Don’t know what a thuggish man looks like. Other wise you have told your tale smoothly and well.

Not sure your title works, although it has a haunting Tin-pan alley quality to it, reminds me in these harsh economic times of that old depression classic line, “prosperity is just around the corner!” which does match this killing little film perfectly.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Not a bad idea. I think because i had tried to watch the spirit recently saying "film noir is back with a vengance" put a bad taste in my mouth. I got it from the title, over emphasizing it made me imagine it being delivered with a heavy hand. But its a nice idea and would be quite cute. I think editing and good actors would be the biggest factor in this peice. With some stellar photography this might be a cool little short to keep on my itouch...lol...its something i would watch again. Good job!

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Cool story about Jackie's alternative means to get to the top. The setup with the police was a good touch for what was to come.

The Dialogue was a bit on the weakside. Descriptions were not bad but there were a few unecessary elements that could have saved you space. Overall a Good Job!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Quite well written, very visual. Very Good.

If Jackie is Ken's assistant, why does he talk as though he hasn't seen her for a very long time? And "I've missed you, Ken." Huh? Don't they work together? You obviously mean in just a sexual sense, but it plays odd in my head. Because if they both knew that's what they mean, then Ken shouldn't have to ask: "When we’re finished and ready to mail, maybe I could stay over?" He'd already know.

I'm assuming THUGGISH MAN is the MALE FIGURE from before, because then the irony is that the cops caught the right guy for the wrong reason. But by capitalizing both, it looks like you've introduced a new character who ALSO has a shiv. So they've caught the wrong guy for the wrong murder? That takes the irony out of your script. If those two guys are the same guy, don't reintroduce him. Besides which, "THUGGISH MAN" is capitilized every single time he's mentioned. He should only be in ALL CAPS the first time.

The Shiv was surprisingly submissive there at the end (if Thuggish Man was the Shiv), for a notorious and hated serial criminal. He should've run off, etc. I understand you didn't have room, but...

Details:
-The margins, font, and title look quite unusual.
-No need for "a film noir" on your title page. We'll probably figure that out quickly. Same with your editorial: "We're in film noir land with a vengeance." Totally unnecessary.
-You have two instances of simultaneous dialogue, neither of which would actually be filmed as simultaneous dialogue. I think you did it just to keep your screenplay exactly 5 pages. That's why it distracted me.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

What a fun way to end this month's reviews. I love a good film noir. I don't think I've ever read a script for one before, but this seems about right.

Your descriptives are good. Dark and moody is good. Lot's of ambience.

You've thought out your characters and it shows. The dialogue is well-written and natural. Everyone has their own voice.

I think your spelling and punctuation are fine. I'd have to go back and search to make sure, but the minutes to tomorrow are counting down. I didn't notice anything when I read. That's enough for me tonight.

The pacing is good and the story is well-planned and executed.

I love that Jackie did it. Nice twist.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I liked the atmosphere you created. The problem for me was how convenient it was that the Shiv killer just so happens to show up at the exact time Jackie killed Ken. It was just to convenient.

Also, not sure why the title of your story appeared in the corner of ever page. It was very distracting.

The idea was cool, I'd just work on a better twist.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really liked the twist. It was very neatly done, and I like how none of the characters, only the audience, is any wiser. Most of the time that can be dangerous, but this time I think you pulled it off really well.

One criticism I would raise is that in the beginning there are too many characters introduced, and it's not clear which are the main characters, but on film I think it would be clearer.

When Jackie really does come into her own, with her righteous murder near the end and her escape/framing, she seems a bit overshadowed by her friends. Maybe expanding the scene earlier in the bar would help (this might make it over five pages though), showing some more of Jackie's mock vulnerability rather than having it exposited by her friends.

I might also say that the two-murderers solution has been a bit overused, but as it's not really a murder-mystery I don't mind. Stylistically it was very good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

This is a good story, well-written with a nice twist in the tail. I saw it coming, mostly because the femme fatale is a noir convention.

An enjoyable script.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I'm not particularly fond of Noir, but you did a good job with it. You went for a really straight shooting sort of noir with it and I would have perhaps liked it a bit better if you got more creative with it. Maybe set it in a different place rather than the middle of noir land, like we've seen so many times before. The story was nicely thought out though, had it been wrapped a bit differently it may have done more for me.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I feel that your film noir comments on the title page and in the opening paragraph are unnecessary, let your writing tell us this is film noir, which it does, very well, in your strong and vivid opening descriptions.

Is Charley male or female? Would be nice to have a brief description of your main characters.

I had to look up 'shiv', and if the fact that it's a prison weapon is pertinent to your script it might be an idea to include this in the description, unless of course I'm being a daft Brit and most Americans know what a shiv is!

"shiny thin" needs a comma or an 'and'. i.e shiny, thin..

Do cops use cell phones? Wouldn't they use their radio?

"His brutish face, shadowed by a wide-brimmed hat, is twisted into an evil smile."

Try to avoid using 'is' - it could read: "His brutish face, shadowed by a
wide-brimmed hat, twists into an evil smile."

Not sure about your descriptions of the women, they're more like personality traits which should be revealed in actions and dialogue.

"The CAMERA moves along CUBICLES to a open OFFICE DOOR.
Seated at a MASSIVE DESK is a YOUNG WOMAN at work. She
looks up.
It's JACKIE."

Not sure why you don't just say it's her in the action line.

Your descriptive writing is excellent. The pacing is good, especially the tension you build before Ken grabs her. The dialogue in the bar is very expositional and on the nose especially Pete's speech. It's all very neat but lacks en element of mystery and Jackie does not come over as a femme fatal, which is crucial for film noir.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

based on the designator, "A Film Noir" on the title page, I'm not sure my review will be much help as I don't know the elements of that genre. I'll do my best, though.
"We're in film noir land with a vengeance": pure telling; eliminate this land as the descriptions before it were enough to show the setting.
"A Police cruiser turns into the street": I think this should be "onto the street." a police cruiser turning into a street is a totally different, comedic and transformerish, visual. also, not sure Police Cruiser should be capitalized as it's not a character, but an object.
Pete and Charley need some age designators and character traits in their introductions.
as mentioned earlier, I don't know much about film noir. but, I thought this was the style where characters break the fourth wall. and, isn't there typically a narrator highlighting the action?
the dialogue between Jackie, Kelly, and Marcia feels really flat. and, I couldn't really follow the main exposition. especially when Jackie said, "When did he ever do that?" I'm not sure that was ever answered.
in the end, Marcia exposes "he manuevers her out of a job, takes it for himself, and dumps her." rather blatant exposition only for the sake of the viewer. I'll continue reading, but I don't expect you proved this or showed it anywhere.
(holds up MACE) belongs in an action line, not a parenthetical.
I'm not a big fan of using camera direction in spec scripts (like what we write here at MoviePoet). I especially didn't like that you started directing the camera from page three. there are other ways to direct the camera without specifically saying "ON" this and "PAN" there, etc.
I think I've already mentioned how I'm not a good judge of this genre. so, ignore my score since others are expert and their reviews will have more value.

Paul D. Nave (Level 2)

Nice twist, but DON'T DIRECT; that's the director's job. Just show us what's happening. And no need for "continued" on each page. Good story, though.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

What is the relationship between Pete and Jackie? There must be one for this entire story to make sense, but it's not clear at all.

He opens his cell phone at the end of once scene, then Jackie hangs up hers at the beginning of the next, but it's revealed later she called Ken. So, who is Pete calling? Did he call Jackie to tip her off that the Shiv Killer has struck again, then she calls Ken?

This was very odd for me- Pete, a uniformed Police Officer, is gonna walk into a crowded bar, yell about a serial killing a block away, then order everyone to remain there? But, then he leaves with Marcia and Kelly?

It's a clever twist that Jackie bumps off Ken and makes it look like the works of a current serial killer at large. Sounds like a James Patterson plot.

So, Jackie called Ken to meet up somewhere...Did he coincidentally meet her on the street? She says they haven't seen each other in a while, but I thought they work together? She's his assistant.

Is the THUGGISH MAN a different person from MALE PERSON in the beginning?

I would eliminate Charley, he adds nothing to the story and is just the stereotypical movie cop eating a burger.

The screenwriting is fine. Maybe try to slim down some of the narrative paragraphs by curtailing excess descriptions.

Parentheticals- You have maybe a few too many and some are long, so watch those. When Jackie stabs Ken, that should be written as an action sentence, not a parenthetical. It's more than a minor character action.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

It's a strong complete story that has good thrills and a nice twist. I'd say that for a film noir some of the dialog is perhaps a bit racy and chatty.

"We’re in film noir land with a vengeance." - I was prepared to let the "a film noir" on the title page slide but with this as well I've gone over the edge! It should be possible to convey this idea without resorting to outright declarations of it.

"It has to be Fed-exed first thing in the morning." - Did they have Fed-Ex in the 30-40s? Is this movies set back then or not? I'm guessing not, but I'm not certain of that.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Well done. A few minor quips - don't say it's film noir on the cover page. It's right there in the opening paragraph. You don't describe Pete and Charley at all but you describe each of the girls. Be consistent. I liked the girls' dialogue at the bar but Pete's announcement is so awkward and on-the-nose, it felt inconsistent with the piece. As did their run-up line that followed it. I loved Jackie's lure to Ken and the twist. well done and placed but I think the ending would have been strengthened by alluding to the actual position in the earlier dialogue about the job. Maybe one of the girls says 'You know you deserve to be the Chief Operations Officer -- you do all his work.' or something to show the chair is rightly hers. Still, I felt this piece and it was crafted well.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I liked the twist at the end. The story was pretty captivating and the ending was unexpected. Good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

MMM very dark and mysterious. What I liked about this was the way it felt. I could visualize the whole story in my mind. You definitely created a 'noir' feel to this. The title seemed to suggest a heart warming story, (before I read it) so I might think of a stronger title.

Good solid work, and I really enjoyed the story.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

You have good initial set-up and good pacing but overall, it felt like I had read this one before. As soon as Jackie left the bar, I knew she was going to kill Ken and get his job. The scene in the police cruiser didn't do it for me as far as suspense goes because I already knew that Jackie was safe. You need more suspense, more twists and turns. It will be hard to do in a 5 pager where you have to set the whole thing up so you might consider expanding this.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Interesting and kind of fun. Very well written. One comment: it was too much of a coincidence (for me) that she got her revenge on Ken by playing the role of "The Shiv" -- right across the street from where the real "Shiv" was hiding! Too convenient. Not something she could have planned for, and it did seem like she had the whole encounter with Ken planned. And a smaller comment (a question, really): what happened between the time the cops called for backup and when Pete warned the people in the bar? It seemed like they had "The Shiv" trapped in the alley. Was it the same alley that "The Shiv" was hiding in at the end? Or had he moved to a new alley? And, if so, how did he elude the police? Maybe I'm nitpicking, because it was a fun and well-written screenplay. Good job!

Solomon Chase (Level 1)

Very clear and concise. You created a very dramatic and visual mood. I was a little thrown off when Jackie said "It has to be Fed-exed first thing in the morning". I was imagining it set in the 40's. I caught the "CELL PHONE" references on a second read, but maybe you could set the time in the opening by referencing something modern. That way we can get into the world quicker. The dialogue is a little rigid, but overall, it was great.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Decent motivation for your central character but it's suggested that this is a serial killer...why did she kill the others? If she didn't then who did? The THUGGISH GUY? That question needed to be answered I think.

I didn't like the 'We're in film noir land with a vengeance' line. We get it, you don't need to tell us. You seemed worried that people wouldn't get this as a noir script so tell us on the title page and then again in the first paragraph.

I thought it was pretty decent but the story seemed pretty thin. Could do with a few more angles in it.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I liked this. You had a very good twist.

There are a few things you can do to improve it.

1. On the title page, take out the "A Film Noir". Not only is it not necessary, it's not really true of your piece after the point where one of the cops takes out a cell phone. Also, don't change the font of the Title on the title page. Trying to make it stand out makes your stuff get thrown out.

2. I'm all about being careful not to micromanage... but you need to add a bit more during long tracts of dialogue. Otherwise, it's easy to lose track of what's going on. Page 2 is a perfect example.

3. You need to give your female characters different voices. They sound the same.

4. I saw several instances of your descriptions looking like this:

Jackie turns to face a WELL DRESSED MAN (KEN - 30s, handsome,
and knows it).

There are a few things wrong with this. The following might help to illustrate how it could change:

Jackie turns and is face to face with Ken (34), ruggedly handsome
and dressed to kill.

You can't really film "and knows it". And you don't put physical descriptions of people within parenthesis. Also, give a definite age. It saves space.

A minor rewrite... some emphasis on describing what the people are doing, and you'll improve this a lot.

Good luck.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

"He goes to the Bartender and speaks
confidentially."

Huh?

This felt very contrived. The cops run to every bar and store on the street to let them know the Shiv has struck? And then they devote all their attention to find one woman out on the street? You made the killer seem to scary and powerful, but then when Jackie kills Ken, she just sloppily stabs him and walks away. This was written really well and had good pacing, but it just didn't click for me.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 12:43 AM

Nice job William! This was in my top 2 this month.