Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

A very cumbersome logline and essentially when it breaks down the promise of bullets and wisecracks isn't enough to detract from what is basically your standard fare serial killer flick with nothing novel or unique.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This is how I would put this logline.
"After suffering a career slump, an egomaniac risks attempts to unravel the gruesome death of a rival actor and risks becoming the next victim of a celebrity-slaying hitman."

There is two bad points in this plot. First, we don't know what this man doing for living so we don't know how he gonna deal with those risks. Second, your plot seems to be unoriginal.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

This gives me a good sense of the genre and what might happen in the movie. The only part I don't think you need is "in a career slump". While I understand this may play an important part in your plot, it doesn't really add much to the logline. Does the career slump mean the egomaniac now has more time to focus on unraveling the crime? Also, I don't think anyone should be shown "while attempting" to do something. Be more positive with the verbs. He unravels, not attempts to unravel. Same goes for "risks becoming the next victim." Maybe he "avoids a hitman" or words to that effect, but at the moment, he "risks becoming" means that nothing definitely happens...your logline is a bit too passive to be excellent.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

I would say that you have the logline structure down but there is just way too much going on in here for me to see the story. As for the title, it's catchy but is Sheldon Reese the dead actor or the protagonist? It might be good to slip it in the logline somewhere to let us know what the relevance is.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

The title is funny, but not sure if you could get away with it.
The logline is too long, or is just a run-on sentence. It's one of those instances that adding a comma doesn't magically make a long sentence work, and in this case that still wouldn't of worked.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

"Bullets and wisecracks fly" is probably one of the best openings to a logline ever. In fact, it's a convincing pitch in and of itself. :)

We don't find out that he's an actor until the very last word, but the logline is so fast-paced and fun that it doesn't matter.

The words "oversexed" and "gruesome" are unnecessary, as they seemingly only really serve to make the script more R-rated for its own sake. The action and the comedy are enough.

This logline is a wild ride, and the script should be too. I'm looking forward to reading this one.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Love the title!

Love the logline too. This is firmly placed in genre and is something that I would like to see.

One tiny point - I think I would put a comma after 'hitman' possibly? It's just that this is a very long and complex sentence to get out of your mouth without being able to take a breath!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This one seems really interesting, but I'm having a hard time between the "wisecracks" and "gruesome death". Seems to me it would make a great comedy, but if it involves gruesome death, perhaps not.
Would like to know a little more behind his motivation to risk his life to unravel the death of a rival. Seems that he wouldn't care, unless he is already the "next victim".

Overall like the idea and really like the title. Think you need to tighten it up just a bit.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

And comedy ensues! One of the top ten mistakes that writers make with loglines. We can assume this. How about:

"An oversexed egomaniac must escape a celebrity assassin while unraveling the death of a rival actor."

Not a bad logline, just needs a tweak.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Awesome title. maybe my favorite I've read so far. It is compelling and oozes energy and style.

I am totally intrigued by the story. This feels like a great mix of action, comedy, and mystery.

I could easily imagine Shane Black writing this. I really hope I get to read the first ten pages.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Sounds like a play off the title of Edward Albee's play, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?". But I like the logline.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

I like the title it attracts interest. I find the rest confusing. I am not sure on the genre. It feels comedic and then you mention the death of a rival actor. You mention he is in a career slump then victim of celebrity slaying hitman, so I would question why the hitman would target someone in a career slump. I do not feel the main character has a journey but is just a victim.

Christopher Nash (Level 2)

OH MY GOD the title!
The title alone makes me wish I could click to read the script...
The story sounds fun as well as interesting...I am not certain as to how distinct it is but again, the title helps tremendously. This is one of those loglines that sounds fine as is, but would not hurt to have a bit more details in regard to the characters, the hit-man, and the story. I REALLY hope to get to read this one because it sounds funny whether or not it is meant to be viewed as such.

Crystal Kaba (Level 2)

The title is really interesting. If I could only judge off the title I'd probably read the screenplay. However, the logline is a little confusing. There's a lot crammed into there. I think it could be reordered to make a bit more sense. Start with unraveling maybe.
I like the idea of an oversexed egomaniac. Even though it's used a lot I find it an interesting idea.
There are a lot of good descriptors in this logline. It makes it a lot more intriguing.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This is my 68th review and my first Excellent. Your title and logline have it all. Everything is well written and to the point. Sounds like the makings for a good script and subsequent movie. I'd drop my ten bucks to see something like this.

Nicely done!

David Birch (Level 5)

a tiny bit convoluted, but you made a decent attempt to put together a real logline...that moved you up a grade...good luck in the voting...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

The title is fun and as I read the logline, the title makes more sense.

This is a pretty straightforward logline that works. I know a couple of characters, the premise of the plot, and I see some of the action in the script.

Can’t ask for a lot more from a logline.

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

Love the title. The logline seems to leave little doubt as to what kind of movie this is and it looks like it tells you what you need to know about it. Loved it.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Promises to be action packed and a comedy to boot. great! good luck!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This sounds kind of interesting...and I like the title. I'm trying to realize why I'm not totally gaga over it and I've come to the conclusion that I already don't really like the main character.

Your description of the protagonist as "an oversexed egomaniac in a career slump" just doesn't click with me. Maybe I find it hard to root for an egomaniac, maybe I can't figure out how a celebrity in a career slump is oversexed...I don't know. But I just don't like the description.

I'm afraid that in your quest to create a memorable character, you may have made him kind of abrasive. Maybe it's just me though. I will be interested to read if others had this reaction.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Actor personality is very important in this type of script. This is the kind of work that the writer has a specific person or persons in mind, with good understanding of the actors’ timing, and what wisecracking they can support.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

There is too much going on in this logline. I would suggest that you simplify it. Suggest something like: "A celebrity in a career slump tries to unravel the gruesome death of a rival actor. In doing so he almost becomes the next victim of a celebrity-slaying hitman." I personally don't like the title because, well,who the hell is Sheldon Reese?

Garrett Box (Level 4)

I don’t know why an egomaniac would want to unravel a death of a rival actor. Maybe if he helped cover it up because it is already established that he’s a jerk, why not make him a super jerk? And a hit man is someone hired by someone else to kill said person. It sounds like you mean a celebrity serial killer.

Hector Gutierrez (Level 3)

Good title, good concept. However I would find a little difficult to care for your protagonist as you describe him - "An oversexed egomaniac". Does he have a redeeming quality?

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I love the premise, the title and the logline. I hope this makes the top 30.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Sounds like it could be an interesting read although difficult to pull off on screen.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

This is a definite A on the title. The logline was descriptive and brief. I enjoyed it thouroughly. I hope this script moves on.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This suffers from the same problem as movies like "win a date with Tad Hamilton or that other movie with a girls name that I can't remember despite a massive, massive ad campaign. Nobody knows who the hell Sheldon Reese is.

Obviously, you are aware of this, and tipping your hat to the phenomenon. However, having a title that is aware of its own predicament doesn't fix anything.

Perhaps because of the title and "wisecracks fly", my first impression is that this would be a comedy. I hope not. Comedy and celebrity-slaying don't seem like they'll mix.

So setting aside the title, and assuming this is an action or thriller movie... it's got some potential. I love the idea that since he's a celebrity, it's going to be hard for him to hide or blend in anywhere. And you do give him a clear goal: unravel his rival's murder.

Lose the title, recast it as a celebrity-fueled crime-drama, and it could go somewhere.

John Brooke (Level 5)

This is a logline the should prove irresistible to a Crime Mystery Thrillers audience. Hell how could they resist this tale, it’s chock full of promised action and mystery? It’s fresh, workable and a proven Hollywood style premise.

Nice packaging in a few short lines that expresses the possibility of an entertaining film experience for the audience. It’s a sure bet.

John Ward (Level 3)

The title is OK. I think you could do a better job though. This definitely suggests we are moving into independent film territory. This isn't a bad thing by any means, but I think the competition demands that you have a stronger title. I like the 'oversexed egomaniac' description, certainly seems right to put this into the black comedy genre. It might help to shorten the logline to make it punchier. At the moment it reads a little flat as there is no punctuation to break up the long sentence. I think I would go and see the movie though. Good job.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Personally I wasn't convinced by the "Bullets and wisecracks fly" opening, it sounded more like a circus promoter.

What kind of celebrity is the egomaniac? You don't find out until towards the end of the logline. And the "in a career slump" disrupts the flow. I would remove the "career slump" part and rewrite "Oversexed egomaniac" as something like "a struggling egomaniac actor."

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

So is this "oversexed" "egomaniac" already a famous actor? If so, it would be important to clarify. I don't know how invested I would be in a protagonist described as "oversexed" and an "egomaniac". Why would I root for this character? What kind of journey does he go on? Does he change during the course of the script?

Kirk White (Level 5)

It's perfect. a perfect premise and well executed logline. if you don't get picked I'd still like to read your script!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: Sort of funny. Using the word "Hell" as a cuss word in a title's probably not a good idea for marketability, though.

Story: Could be funny, but it really depends on your treatment. Good luck!

Craft: I didn't know the egomaniac's career choice until the final word. But I wondered all the way through, so that's too distracting.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Ok the title gives a name but the logline does not. Is Sheldon Reese the one in the career slump or the rival actor? How does he run the risk of being the next victim of a celebrity slaying hitman, is he a celebrity? Logline leaves more questions then interest. Not sure if I would continue on to the script as the logline does show depth of a possible story. Hitman implys that someone is paying the killer, usually there is a reason to want someone dead...Sheldon Reese, an oversexed down and out actor, risks becoming the next victim of a hitman to jump start his dying career as he searches for the killer of a rival actor.....could grab me better.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Okay, you've got my attention. Sounds like it could be an interesting film.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: Where have I heard this before? I love it! I take it Sheldon is the oversexed egomaniac... Very good title.

Story: ... Youve made this very easy for me. Thank you...

Excellent work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This is a little confusing. Is the oversexed egomaniac an actor? I guess he's a celbrity of some kind if he's the next victim of a celebrity slayer. I like the title. I guess the guy's name is Sheldon Reese. I think you need to pinpoint his character a little more. The part in the title "who is" - makes me think this guy is some kind of washed up actor...or maybe a b list actor...I'm not sure though. "Career slump" doesn't say enough. Maybe it's just me. I think it has promise. Good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This sounds funny, but the opening phrase "bullets and wisecracks fly" makes me feel tired already.

The order also is a bit strange. I would start with the egomaniac attempting to unravel the gruesome death of a rival actor, because that would be when your story starts.

Otherwise it sounds good.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I love the logline. I love the title. Can't wait to read it. Don't let me down!

Best regards.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: Intriguing and flippant which fits with the logline. BUt who the hell is Sheldon? Is he your hero, the dead guy or the killer? Make this clearer in your logline.

Story: pretty strong, except why is the egomaniac trying to solve his rival's murder? That feels very out of place and it could be an interesting way to show a complicated hero if you tell us why he is doing this.

Genre: Action comedy which your first few words tell us very well.

I'm intrigued by this but slightly put off by his goal? Why does he care about his rival being dead? Unless he's being framed for it? Give him a reason to unravel the murder and I'm queuing up to see it.

Craft is great, well constructed and conveys the mood very well. Great job.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: Yes
Antagonistic force: Yes
Stakes: Yes
Accurate Portrait: No

my personal opinions about your log line:
You're one point from Excellent because the question in the title was not answered in the log line. I'm sure your screenplay relates to the title, but this little snippet of log line does not relate well to the title.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I just don't think that there is enough information in the description to really sell the story. It feels like it falls into the cliche action-comedy with no real payoff. I'm not sure why an "egomaniac" would care enough about the death of a rival to investigate the death. I would think that he would use it to his advantage and hope that he isn't the next target.

Oliver Webb (Level 3)

If I understand the logline correctly because it's vague, the egomaniac is an actor too. If so, work on making this clear. You have a pretty cool and funny idea, have fun writing.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Well, I know there's a comma, period or something missing somewhere in there, but who the hell cares, it's good! I like the title, like the logline, and the overall premise is excellent. If you tighten up the grammar, it'll be perfect. Austin Powers meets Shoot'em up. Welcome to the Top 30! (If it were me voting)Nice job! Excellent!

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Sounds crazy, in the good way.

It's not clear at first that our protagonist is an actor. You tell us "career slump," but it's not until the end that you state, "rival actor."

Make sure to make this character arc, or at least become relate-able, because most of the audience won't be able to relate to an oversexed celebrity.

If Sheldon Reese is our protagonist's name, I would just put it in the logline as well as the title.

Title: Not quite sure how the question in the title fits in with the plot you've detailed.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I think this is my last review, and what a way to go out.

Great title, more edgy than "Who's Harry Crumb?" with all the comedy. I could lose the "Bullets and wisecracks fly" bit and have a possibly tighter logline, but I think you've earned it. The title buys you enough time to screw around with some color before getting to "An oversexed egomaniac". Purists might disagree, but I'll cut you some slack.

Good damn job.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I'm not sure the title would work in Hollywood. In America in particular "Hell" is viewed as a swear word by a good number of people so I don't suppose they would want that in the title.

Other than that your logline is well crafted. It is tight and gets a lot of information across.

I don't know if I'd be that keen to see the movie because the story does not have a original hook that grabs my interest.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Wow there is a heck of a lot going on in that one sentence! :) I wish you would have had one more sentence to clear it up a little.

I like the title especially since the character is an egomaniac...that no one knows.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

One key word was left out of the first part of your pitch -- actor. If that's added, I think it plays much better. Still, I think there are some fun elements here for a feature. Love the title. Somehow I got a very clear image of a Bruce Willis resurrecting his wise crack career here. This could be quite good.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

I like it. It explains everything in a nutshell. Kudos to you. I love good loglines, they leave for short reviews.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I like the unique idea. Everything I need to know is pretty much layed out here. You also did a good job introducing the fact that there's comedy in this otherwise gruesome "bang 'em up who dunnit".

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The title won't be hard to forget and hints at a dark comedy. Full marks for that.

Is this a period piece? Sounds like a comic noir tale a la Chicago to me. Is the egomaniac male or female? I'm thinking male because women are not stereotypically thought of as being over-sexed.

Though I would love some more details about a time frame and some character exposition I like the fresh premise to give the first ten pages a look see.

Not bad at all.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

oooh.. give me a comma here and there, this really is one long run on sentence and it needs those little punctuation marks to make it flow better. Love the title.. very clever and catchy. Give me a comma after slump and hitman, and I'll love this.!!

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Very good. It gets attention and make me want to know who the hell Sheldon Reese is and why I should care.

Story - Good. You do a good job of laying out the story and letting us know it's a comedy. The situation itself is funny but I would prefer to see a little more humor in the logline itself. You've set the stakes.

Craft - I think this logline would benefit a great deal from being more than one sentence. You have so many concepts going on at once that none of them get any breathing room.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Could be a good movie, but the logline doesn't give us enough information. We get a picture of the protagonist, his problem, and we get a good idea what type of movie this will be. What we don't get is any kind of idea what makes this movie "special." Bullets and wisecracks are great (I guess), but what's the unique hook that would make me want to go see this movie? Or, if I were a producer, why would I want to make this movie. Sounds like a good idea, but the logline needs a little more.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Sounds like a Billy Wilder film. I think I'd like to read this script. The title gives away the style of this film and you can see it in your logline as well. This will be funny and stylish. A Coen's type of film and the type of film I'd love to watch. I think you'll have a winner with this bad boy. Kepp up the good work and we'll all get a bottle of Moet in the champagne room of Hotel Awesome in Hollywood.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

I like the title. Definitely a little different and it piqued my curiosity.
The logline itself I wasn't sure about. The story itself sounds like it could be interesting, but right from the start - "Bullets and wisecracks fly" - I groaned. Sounds like a Tarantino knock-off. That may not be the case at all, but that's the way the logline is selling it, at least to me.
Good luck in the competition!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Yay! Sounds highly entertaining, and full of dark comedy & slapstick moments.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Fair. It's not "Good" because it smack (to me) of artifical cleverness.

Logline: Good. It's well written. But it doesn't provide most of what a logline requires. Very vague. The "Bullets and Wiscracks fly" has to go. And what does "oversexed egomanic" bring to the table in the context of the logline. Couldn't you call him a "Moviestar lethario"? That tells me a ton about him in just two words. His job, his station in life, his general attitude on love and life, all sorts of things. And why would he try to solve the death of a rival? That makes no sense. There's no possible, believable motivation. Now if it were his Best Friend, the Director on his latest film, his female co-Star... someone he cares about enough to want to solve the crime.

Bottom line: good... but with reservations.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I like the title and I like the logline, but I think it gets a little muddled. I think it would help if you described the protag as an actor right off the bat, something like "an egomaniacal actor" and ditch the "oversexed" adjective. The "oversexed" description might be a key component to the script, but I don't think it adds anything to the logline.

Also, I think it would help if you changed "while attempting to" to "when he attempts to"

But overall, I think it's a good logline.

Tracy Ryan (Level 3)

I like this logline. It's a bit wordy and I had to reread it a few times but it sounds interesting. I take it that it is a dark comedy? It hooks me because I wonder why a man who cares only about himself would care about a rival actor dying. It also hooks me because I wonder how you can make the subject (death and murder) be funny.

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

Even though i don't like the tone of this, it was very well written. Each word packs a punch and gives me the exact picture of the character and the tone of the film in general. I know what the conflict is and the goal the main character is trying to achieve. Well Done.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The premise doesn't blow me away because it sounds like every other fish out of water murder mystery on cable TV. Any other uniqueness you could mention would be helpful. Love the title.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Poor initial reaction, will come back to this entry.

Better logline reaction on this read. The logline is well done, interesting, quick-hitting and to the point. It says a lot in a short, compact space. I moved this up considerably on this read.

I still don't care much for the title. And I think there is a better one somewhere in your script.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Bam! Now that's a logline, baby! Can't wait for the script!

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This sounds a bit confusing to me. If I understand it right,

An egomaniacal actor in a career slump attempts to unravel the death of a rival, risking becoming the next victim of a celebrity-slaying hitman.

might be a more clear and concise way of doing it. Sounds like a fun script and title.

Comments Made After the Contest