Comments Made During the Contest

Aleem Monroe (Level 3)

It starts out well, but it is missing key information... unless there is no key information and THE FINAL GUARDIAN is some type of satire.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Nothing here. Again far too coy and vague for a logline. Where's the antag? What's miguels goal/objective? A 10-year old protag? I have absolutely no idea what this is about.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I already liked this script. I hope the ten pages are fun like the logline.

Angela Eligio (Level 2)

Title hints at an ending before the story begins. The first of the logline seemed a bit like 100 other fantasy stories, but then, you hooked me! I am wanting to know more about who Miguel is and even more about what happens next. Many questions come to mind, and I am hoping I eventually have the chance to hear the answers. Good job!

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Your logline started okay, but then the last sentence ruined it. It makes a dramatic sounding movie into a very stupid, youth oriented, animated feature that would be shown on Disney channel every night for the next month.

It's a nicely written logline. There is a protagonist - the child - and his mission - to protect this mystical object - but there's no antagonist. Gravity can't be the bad guy. What happens when it breaks? You should tell us the entire story, not just the tagline.

I'm sorry if my review is harsh, but it looks like you spent a lot of time on this and I hope hte script is better.

A note about the title - It's okay to have the title be about the main character (who then is called the Title Character ala Peter Pan) but what else is this movie about? I think the title is too simple.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Could be a fun kids movie. The logline is okay, the "Oops!" at the end really isn't needed. It's already funny without that. Overall, I like the idea very much.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is pretty interesting. The logline is written well and free of errors, but I don't feel like it gives us enough information. This is supposed to be a brief summary of the story, but it reads more like an idea or premise. I assume that everything that's written here will take place in the first act which leaves us to guess what the other 3/4s of the script will be about. Who is the antagonist? What's Miguel's goal in the script and what obstacles does he need to overcome to achieve it? Basically, what happens after he drops the orb? The premise sounds interesting, but I have no way of knowing if the script will be or not because we're only given info on the first 20-30 pages or so. Based on what is written here, I don't see this story filling the pages of a feature although you may very well have enough ideas to do so. The genre is clearly fantasy.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

hahahaha

I can see this as an animation type deal. For sure.

However, any way you go about it, it definetely has potential to be great.

My only question is ... why would a dying guardian of the orb choose a ten year old?

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

The first sentence is excellent. It promises an epic fantasy adventure with a rich, mythic world. The title is also good.

However, the second and third sentences are silly and anticlimactic, completely breaking the tone. The writer is presumably going for humour, which might work in the script, but it really doesn't work here, and so it ruins the tone which has already been established.

Moreover, the way that the second and third sentences read makes it sound like the story ends when Miguel breaks the Orb and fails in his destiny. Not only would this be a terrible ending, but it's also very anticlimactic. Presumably the writer's intention is that when he drops the Orb, spells, monsters and all kinds of wacky fun are unleashed, and he must face them in order to fulfil his destiny, but this isn't expressed in the way the sentences are written. However, the writer does have this ability, as the first sentence shows.

It would probably be clearer if the second and third sentences were replaced by something like "When he accidentally drops the Orb, all kinds of magical creatures are unleashed and begin to wreak havoc, and Miguel must defeat them in order to defeat them and save the world." Of course, the exact wording would depend on exactly how the story is to unfold, and how the writer wants to phrase it, but ideally it should be in keeping with the tone of the first sentence.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title - just telling you...it made me smile. Here in the UK The Guardian is a national newspaper. The title brought to mind a solitary newspaper on a news stand! :)

I don't think you need to name Miguel.

The logline seems like the opening scene of what promises to be an amusing family film. That's my issue with it. Instead of saying 'oops' perhaps you could have outlined the result on the universe of smashing the Orb of Fendrel?

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Sounds cute, but leaves me wondering why she would leave such an important object with a ten year old. I am sure there is a great explanation for this, but not sure I'd buy it. This could either be really great or not come together at all. Hope it's the former.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

What the hell? This doesn't tell us what the drama is nor the antag? So, what he dropped a ball, big whoop. Am I supposed to assume something interesting will happen? I'll make some stuff up for an example.

"A young boy is entrusted to protect a magical artifact, but on his first day he breaks it. Now he must fight the demon Boredom and put it back together or the world will end."

Now this sucks, but you get my point.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title. It sounds epic and works perfectly for a fantasy film full of adventure, effects, and fun (a movie you can take the whole family to).

I think your first two sentences are almost perfect. But those first two sentences describe the setup (maybe only the first 15 to 25 pages of the movie). What happens next? What adventure is Miguel thrust into?

"Oops!" conveys the humor of the story, but it doesn't really tell us anything about the movie. We need more. We want, more as those first two sentences are very compelling.

I do hope I get to read the first ten pages of this.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Sounds humorous and cute. Looking forward to the story.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Not bad at all. Started on a serious note, but ended in comedy. I thought the logline was good, but I think it needs to be moved around some.

I would almost change the entire logline because to me, the story actually begins when Miguel drops the orb. The entire beginning of the logine, is reminiscent of the backstory rather than the story itself.

I would focus more on what happens, after Miguel drops the orb. It sounds like that is the event that will drive the entire story.

David Birch (Level 5)

wish a clue would have been given as to why miguel was chosen...was she forced...or was it a "wrong place, wrong time" sort of thing....some things to like...

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

This logline made me smile, no doubt. I loved the humor. Yet, I feel we need a bit more information. I know the character of the story and what his duty is and that he might not be so great at it, but I don't know what the story is. Perhaps a little clarification on this point will paint a greater picture. As it is, I love the tone of it all.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

hey, that's great...can't wait to read more! good luck!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This kind of seems like the logline for a fun SNL skit. I think it's very very important to give a hint here as to what happens when the orb is dropped. Did it break? Did it explode? Did it transform Miguel? What is Miguel faced with as a result of his fumble, and what is his path to overcoming that?

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Now what are we going to do? The orb is splattered and there are 90 minutes to fill with the strange and dangerous powers unleashed by this happening. Will we get Dorothy to pour water on the witches, or what? Whatever it is, I think the kids will love it.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Is the end of the movie the moment when he drops the orb? Or does the movie start when he drops it? Not clear to me from this log-line! Love the title!

Harriet Barbir (Level 0)

The opps at the end makes it feel like it's the end of the story, rather than the beginning. As written, I can see this as a short, with a twist.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Great fun. Wonderful title. Reading this, I know what drives the plot, who my "guy" is, and a bit of the writer's individual voice. I trust the promise that this will be an interesting flick. Kudos.

Jay Arbry (Level 3)

A children's story with magic "orbs"? Yet another Harry Potterish pitch trying to appeal to the doltish adolescent crowd. Nothing special here.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Love the exclamations at the end of the logline.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I was all over the place on this one. It was good to read a fantasy-type story when very few people seem willing to pitch them. It was a nice set-up and then BOOM the bottom fell out. I'm really interested to see what type of story this is going to be. I'm getting more into as I think about it. I think I'm gonna up my score a notch.

Joe Belzberg (Level 3)

The end of this logline (while funny) sounds more like a tagline than a logline. A logline tell what the story is about. Is this about Miguel's quest to find the Orb of Fendrel? Is it about someone evil finding the orb, and Miguel attempting to stoop them?Is it about Miguel being punished for losing/breaking the orb? You need to clear this up.

Also, you should tighten the first sentence. You don't need to name either the main character or the orb.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

What did she expect, giving it to a ten year old? And without knowing what the Orb of Fendrel does, why should we care about what happens to it?

I like the underlying idea of a magical family, and a child taking on the mantle of a supernatural responsibility. Spider-man, Harry Potter, and plenty more have shown us that that's a great dramatic foundation to build on. But without more details about your fantasy world, and what makes it special and uniquely intriguing, there's little here to grab my interest.

This has some possibilities, but I need more details to whet my appetite. The title is pretty good, and it fits your story, but it doesn't stand out as a fantasy.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Ah, the consequences may be hinted at by the title of your film. A giveaway, spoiler, I hope not.

Your captivating logline is simple and lays out the premis clearly. The contrast between a vulnerable ten year old boy and the massive power contained in the ancient Orb is powerful.

Little Miguel is given enormous responsibility to be the last trusted guardian of this sacred object. He drops the ball, er Orb! Gad!

What ensues I want to experience, it promises fantasy, fantastic entertaining action. I’m hooked I want to see what happens. Hurray up and write the script.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

The ending put a smile on my face. :) Sounds very promising.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

What happens when he drops it? What is this story about? It is hard for me to imagine a full length feature about a boy dropping an orb. I am hoping he must then do something to repair it or to fix his mistake while the world falls into disrepair around him. I would focus on the actual story or journey of the movie in your logline, versus just stating the initiating event.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

This sounds like a great story. You did a nice job of capturing the mood of the piece and introducing the conflict. The only problem I saw was that I'd like to know where the story goes from here. What will drive the rest of the movie? Does he need to fix it? Does it release a horde of angry monsters that must be recaptured? Otherwise, well done.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this starts out quite nicely...but then veers off when he drops it. "oops?"

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: A good title. I'm not in love with it, but it's good.

Story: You ought to mention that if the Orb is dropped, it breaks, or something. What if it's made of metal? There's a hole in the logline since you didn't specify, which takes the power out of your logline. Also, we don't know what power or danger, specifically, so truthfully there's no antagonist here. And why'd the old lady pick him if he's so clumsy? Kind of an important plot question, there.

Craft: Good. Love the "oops" at the end, though some might ask you to take it out.

L. Scott Dunlap (Level 2)

I love it! ...but it still needs work. Here's what I mean, I laughed and you have me hooked, but I really don't know what is going to happen beyond the one scene that you have described. So, give a little indication of what happens after he drops it. Does it break? Can he fix it? Is all hell unleashed? To me, this sounds like the first 10 pages of your script, what happens in the rest of it? Otherwise, this probably the mose interesting logline I've read so far. Fix it and you're golden.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Probably doesn't need the "Oops!" at the end. Interesting story, with a lot of potential.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: I love this one. Very good title. It fits the story, too.

Story: This sounds like a kids' story. That could be a good thing. I like this story line and would be interested in reading the first 10 pages. Good story.

Craft: Nice work.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

The title is cool but the way the logline is written it doesn't sound like enough of a story for a feature. You need to add something more to let us know something else that happens in the story besides an old woman passing the orb and miguel dropping it.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Is it just me, or is that dying woman pretty dumb? Maybe she's delirious? Wouldn't she have relatives to give it to, or, failing that, even just give it to an adult? Maybe no adults believe in the Orb anymore.

What happens when he drops it? Something exciting, I hope.

I like the idea of this very powerful thing being entrusted to a young boy who doesn't know how important it is, but something has to happen after he drops it, otherwise there's no movie.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

This sounds interesting but it's all set-up. It sounds like a logline for a short not a feature. I imagine everything you've described occurs in act one, what happens next? Who's the antagonist? How must miguel struggle to get the orb back, assuming he loses it? There's no sense of stakes or conflict.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I was very interested until the end. Ending with "Oops!" just sounds silly. Perhaps it's supposed to be a comedy, but it still. End with something punchier. Like: all hell breaks loose, or something along that line. I realize it's cliche, but may work better.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I tried rewriting this one but I couldn't because I don't have enough information.

A 10-year-old boy becomes guardian of powerful and dangerous magic Orb and then he drops it... What happens when he drops it? This is where your story lies and it should be in the logline.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: great title, hugely intriguing, has amagical, mystical feel to it. Also slightly scary. Fits well with the logline.

Story: It seesm like you've told us the story. he drops it, oops, the end. What next? You give us a wonderful set up and then it's all finished by Miguel dropping it. Very disappointing.

Tell us what he needs to do, tell us what stands in his way and tells us how he struggle to achieve his goal. Don't just end it.

Craft: Grammar etc good. I really liked how this started but it really just fizzles out. I hope you work on this and flesh out your story.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

This is great. Perfect combination of title and logline. Great high concept story. Brief but clear wording. And the hook or twist at the end. This one is a winner and should lure a professional (agent or producer) to beg for the script.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: Yes
Antagonistic force: No
Stakes: No
Accurate Portrait: Yes

Some personal opinions about your log line:
Funny. Entertaining. I like the way you explained in layman terms the main object in the new world that you've created. The log line presents the concept in such a simple manner that I fear you don't have enough material to last 90 to 120 minutes on film.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Why would anyone trust a ten-year-old with an object of immense power? That's just stupid and poor planning. If it came into his possession by accident, then I'd be more accepting of his having it, but not someone giving it to him. Hell, I have a fiend who's nearly thirty and I can't trust him to catch a cold.

My other question is who is trying to stop Miguel? What are their reasons for doing so? This story needs a strong antagonist, above all, since the main character is a child.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

This is good but it has almost closed off the story, rather than drawing readers in to want to know more. What happens after Miguel drops the Orb? Just oops and nothing else? Hint at what happens next. Also, is this a comedy or a fantsy? Your logline should make this clear.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

...and he drops it! Oops! Where to go from there? Pretty clever. Now I'm wondering what's next. Does the orb break? Is it the end of the world, or what? The title fits nicely with the logline. I think the logline has a nice hook, cause now I would want to read the synopsis/treatment next and go from there. This one is a keeper, maybe Top 30. Nice job!

Paul Williams (Level 5)

There's a lot of fantasy-genre movies in this contest, which aren't always my favorite, but I fully understand they're an audience draw, and I always appreciate the creativity, originality and imagination that has to go into these stories.

What happens when the Orb of Fendrel is dropped? Can you give us a hint?

Title: Good, I like it in general, and for your story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a fantastic set up, with a playful touch at the end. You prove that you have the writing chops to carry the story.

The big problem is that this tells me about, most likely, only the first ten pages of the script. What happens when Miguel drops the orb? A legion of supernatural creatures attacks? Plagues? The world dies? The universe ruptures? The Guardians of the Orb materialize for an ancient ritual of corporal punishment?

Without any information, I really don't know what the movie is going to be. You show great promise in your writing, now you need to show you can supply a story.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

Personally I'm not one for fantasy stories about some magical what-have-you, this is obviously a comedy though. The title is applicable, points for that. Your log line isn't too long, gets to the point, one up for that. If the instant the orb is destroyed it affects the world in some horrible apocalyptic way, that'd make this thing worth watching. I wouldn't watch it, but somebody might.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There is good stuff in this premise. I think the logline is not very effective because it reads as a self contained sketch. As such the movie described could be written as two minute short. Obviously that is not what you have in mind but I think you'd need to rework the logline to get across the wider idea.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Well, I can't say I've seen it before. I would drop 'Final' from the title. I had a little trouble with the premise in that you describe the Orb as ancient, yet -- it's never been dropped? And I wanted to know more about what its great power or danger actually was? The genie in the bottle kind of end of the world rath? The biggest issue for me was that you don't allude to any kind of ending. you need to add a tag to your pitch. If he drops it. Oops! Now what? Miquel must race against time to restore the Orb to its original shape or risk eternal damnation. Something. Give us the stakes and make them plenty high. He must _________ or else... I like the originality but I need more from a pitch to be drawn into wanting to read a whole script. Don't sell me that you have a great beginning if you can't deliver a satisfying ending.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

This could be tightened up a bit, but the gist of the story is captured fairly well. I'm eager to find out what happens.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The title does hint at a genre, fantasy in this case, but needs a bit more spice to make it stand out from the 118 or so pitches we have here.

When you introduce an original premise in a fantasy it helps to give a tiny bit of more information.

Explain who the woman is? Is she a witch? Warrior? Sorceress? How does she pick Miguel? Or know that he's the chosen one?

We get some nice information about Miguel and you had me till "has it for less than a day".

I wish you'd base the story in that one day. To show his probable ineptitude at being entrusted with such a task.

A little detail about the Orb would also be nice. How exactly is it dangerous? Who did it first belong to? What is it's purpose that warrants such care?

I think you have most elements in place, and this is Miguel's fish out of water story but the fantasy has to be made plausible from this stage. If you want me to read a totally original fantasy premise you better start from this stage and tell me about the elements in a few clues.

This has some legs to carry it to the next round if tweaked slightly.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very fun logline. I really like it. I think this would be something I'd love to read more of. I like the title, even though it seems like it goes more with a straight piece than a comedy, which I think this is.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Very good. It's intriguing to me. It stands alone well and I can see it on a movie poster and me wanting to know more.

Story - Good. This is a good mainly because I'm unclear whether this is meant to be a comedy or drama or sci fi. Each of them would read rather differently. I assume from the "oops" at the end that you mean for it to be a comedy but the rest of it isn't funny so I'm not sure. I'm also not sure what the great danger is and so I'm not sure how concerned I should be that he drops it.

Craft - Good. Nothing technically wrong with the logline but it doesn't really jump out and demand more attention. In other words, there's no hook.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Does it break or something? Why the oops? This sounds more like a joke than a logline. Maybe, "he loses it" or "someone steals it" but, "he drops it"? And then "OOPS!" I don't see the potential for a film here. I mean, I guess it was kinda stupid of the lady to give it to a ten year old, am I right, am I right?

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Some interesting elements here if a bit cliche and redudant (great power, great danger, guardian, guardian, guardian). I have no idea what the object does or what the stakes are if it's been dropped, so I'm not really engaged. I also don't see the point of naming the boy since his name is not important. The last sentence and the oops have got to go.

How about:

A 10-yr old boy inherits the mystical Orb of Fendrel from a dying woman, but when he accidently drops it, now he must - do what? or else what? what exactly is the power and danger and possible consequences for the boy? -

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Why would you give an orb of great power and danger to a 10 year old? Maybe the reasoning behind that should be in the logline.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Good. Relates to the logline well. I like it

Logline: First sentence good (if wordy). Second sentence: Ugh.

Bottom line: Good

How about something like this:

An ancient, reclusive crone taps 10-year old Miguel to guard the Magical Orb of Fendrel for the next 100 years. But when Miguel loses the Orb and strange mythic creatures begin wreaking havoc in his small town, Miguel must find a way to battle monsters, the old crone and his own fears to save the town from certain destruction.

That wasn't great either, but it's better and tells us something about what might happen in the movie.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I was turned off by the detail and "gravitas" of the logline until I got to the ending and saw what it was setting up. I think the logline does a great job of conveying what the tone of the film might be and shows you put thought into what you write.

It clearly presents the genre -- children's fantasy -- but is lacking specifics of what will actually drive the plot or how the story will play out. It basically just gives us the setup without much hint of what will follow. That's really my only criticism, aside from the fact that I don't think you need "Miguel" in there (at least the first time).

Overall, very good.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Hmmm,
this almost reads like a joke, it got a laugh out of me. It starts out serious and
then just gets silly ;-)

The only problems with this logline is it looks like the story is over and
we don't even have to read it. I think you need to add something more to it
about how its powers will be restored, or how Unah the Magnificent might
be able to repair it, or will the world be able to survive without it? etc

OR go the other way and don;t tell us he drops it just say
". Little Miguel has it for less than a day and its no longer safe etc.
You see what I'm getting at. I also think writing "oops!" in a logline
takes the reader out of the storymind.

Just my opinion, take it or leave it - That all being said - Good Job!

Tracy Ryan (Level 3)

I like the title. The logline is a bit wordy. It sounds like a great adventure and the wording could be snappier and highlight the pace of the film. The last line in particularly weak and I think the "oops" at the end takes away from the danger involved. Maybe more like, "Miguel has less than one day to realize the orb's power and save the world." Remember to end the logline with a promise of the premise.

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

I get that you were trying to be clever here, but I don't think it worked for this story, the last line simply does not match the tone you set for the begining of the logline. In fact it annoyed me rather then pulling me in to find out more. I think you can say the same thing without using the gag and it will be stronger.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I love everything, all the way up to "...and he drops it! Oops!" Love the title, great imagery with that as well as "Orb of Fendrel".

I became confused by the end of the logline -- it sounded as if it were a "Narnia-like" film or Jumanji. But then all of a sudden the tone shifted and it became a comedy.

Now I'm not sure what genre it is.

William Coleman (Level 5)

"The Final Guardian" tells me very little about what you describe in your logline. Instead of "Final" you may need a more descriptive adjective. "Little" comes to mind, but that doesn't have the zing you need either.

"Orb of Fendrel" intrigues me. It also makes me wonder if your screenplay is based on an existing fantasy work or have you created a new fantasy world? Perhaps that could be clarified a little? From there on, there is what seems to be a mix of comic and disaster elements. Perhaps you could set the tone of your work a little better. What are the stakes? What "danger" is there in this orb, what "power"? A little more work on the logline itself would grab a studio reader and compel him or her to ask for a "read."

Be warned, most of those big budget fantasy films are based upon very popular books or visual novel, or even comic books. They want a base audience, so you "sell" should be aimed at convincing your screenplay will draw an audience. Right now, you don't do that.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I guess the object breaks and unleashes...? Instead of saying "great power and great danger", maybe you can be a bit more specific to heighten intrigue. There have been many movies like this, so you really need to sell an original idea in your logline to differentiate it from the rest in both the fantasy and horror genres.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is an OK logline for the first few pages of the story, but doesn't give much of a sense of the central point of the story. I'd recommend cutting out some description and adding some story. The title sounds OK, but does it give away the plot?

Comments Made After the Contest