Comments Made During the Contest

Aleem Monroe (Level 3)

The idea is good... sounds like X-Files 3 a little, though. The title is a little simple. It could be more creative for this kind of sci-fi drama/thriller.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This plot sounds familiar. But I think it's an interesting one. Good job for the logline.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Perfect logline.

Terrible title.

I don't have any suggestions on fixing it. What were some of your other options? Was THE BOY really the best one?

Does it 1) evoke genre? 2) evoke mood? 3) summarize the movie?

A title should do those things. Yours is bland. Boring. The title should be as exciting as the logline. You've got a great story and you're doing it an injustice by giving it such a terrible name. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I'm this way because there's so much potential!

There's a whole lot of movie here ini just two sentences. First, the CIA agent has to befriend the woman. Then, he has to plan an escape route. Afterwards, he has to get her out. Finally, they have to do something else to stay alive. There's a ton of room for action, suspense, etc.

I would definitely watch this movie, but it needs a better title! Luckily, I'm not deducting any points for that terrible excuse for a title. Just do not disappoint!

Austin Jones (Level 4)

I like this story and can really see this movie. I'm not however, a big fan of your title. It is not strong enough for this story. It should be bigger and more creative...you have high concept all over the place now you just need grab us with a title we aren't going to forget.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I always love alien stories, this sounds great too. The title is very mysterious, which works well with this plot. The logline is pretty excellent overall. The only thing that bothered me was the ':' at the end, a '...' might look better.
Either way awesome idea!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title isn't a grabber at all. The logline is written well without any typos or errors. The story sounds pretty intriguing and is something I'd be interested in reading or viewing. I do believe there's enough of a story here to fill the pages of a feature length script. This has all the elements of a good logline; the protagonist, their goal, the obstacles they need to overcome, the antagonist and just a hint of the subplots the story will contain. The genre is clearly science fiction thriller. Nice job. One of the best loglines I've come across so far.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is an original and compelling concept, with the potential for a fast-paced, exciting sci-fi action thriller.

However, the title doesn't really convey the fact that it's a sci-fi action script.

If the emotional side of it is handled well, it should be moving, but the writer needs to be careful that the script doesn't become too angsty.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I like the simplicity of this title.

The term Area 51 means nothing to me. Have you made it up, or is it a reference to somewhere I've not heard of? Whatever the case, it throws your logline into confusion for me. It would be better to use a more general term like 'imprisonment'

That aside, you've written the logline well.

It sounds an exciting story but did remind me of Children of Men.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Sounds a bit like Terminator, maybe a bit too much like Terminator.

Other than that, could be extremely interesting. I like where it could go.

Think this is very good, hope you advance so I can see more of this.

Cheryl Laughlin (Level 2)

Sounds intriguing! Thanks for letting me read your logline.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Your Logline could be tweaked a little, but who's couldn't. I think you did a good job. I can't wait to read your first ten pages.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Such a simple title and yet, I think it works perfectly.

I am totally intrigued by this story. This feels like a big blockbuster movie and there is nothing wrong with that. I can totally picture Will Smith as the CIA agent trying to keep this woman and child alive. :)

The logline is very well written. I want to read your ten pages.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Sounds like a decent story judging by the logline,but I am not feeling the title.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Decent title, not the most original, but not bad. The logline wasn't bad either, but how does the title and the child fit together. As written, it seems as though the child has a relatively small role in this story compared with the CIA agent and the woman. Also, why is this boy so special? Is he part alien? Just a few questions that come to mind. Still a good job.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things to like...good marks on keeping the logline tight...not sure just how original the idea is...

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

This logline seems to convey the idea of the story pretty well. You seem to tell us quite a bit in those couple of sentences, so nice job. Don't know about the title, though. Seems a bit uninspired, but no biggie; titles can change. Seems like it could be a nice story.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I like the sound of this concept, I like that it isn't more than two sentences. But I can see the movie only vaguely. A good logline should generate plot questions, but this logline generates confusing plot questions. I don't understand why a woman would be tortured by the CIA at area 51, has she had contact with aliens? If so, I would put that in the logline. Treasure that could change the Universe? Does she carry an half alien child? How long does it take for a CIA agent to fall in love with the person he is torturing? See what I mean, these are confusing questions.

Although the sci-fi genre is clear, and I would watch a movie like this, the concept is a little confusing. I'm not sure about the title either.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

CIA agents, aliens, a super-child, and a hero saving his lady-love—every one a popular topic. How can it go wrong?

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I like the logline and want to read the screennplay and see the movie. The title might be too plain. Perhaps something a little more specific: "The Boy from Area 51"?

Harriet Barbir (Level 0)

Would like to see this. Sounds interesting.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I don't like the title. Too pretentious and unevocative. I do however, very much like the logline. Very Good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I think we may need a bit more info. It sounds like a tangible drama but then an alien is mentioned and it makes the audience wonder if it's supposed to be sci-fi.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

This was a pretty well executed logline. The idea if fresh and original. I think it could sound a little better if it were rewritten a bit. It reads a little cheesy even though i don't think it really is.

Joe Belzberg (Level 3)

This a really well-done logline. I like the premise and the entire logline is well worded. My only small complaint is the title: it's kind of boring. It's not a major problem at all, but I would recommend you spend a little bit of time trying to make the title better. Other than that, this is quite good.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This is cool and intriguing. The kind of sci-fi thriller that I would like to see. It's a little mixed up because I can't tell from the logline if he's trying to save the child, or escape from area 51. I mean, I guess it's both, but what's the focus of the movie? Also, I could use more info about the aliens, why are they after her? And what sparks his quest to save her?

Really, this is a good thing that the logline prompts so many questions. It makes me want to read the script to find out more. But I think a little more information would help give me a solid picture of what to expect from the script, right now I like it, but I'm thinking "could be great, could be a mess"...

John Brooke (Level 5)

That boy could change the universe, that’s a mighty big compelling promise that you’ve offered me at the end of all that other dangerous stuff. That promise compels me to see your movie. So your logline works for me.

Just for the record I have no idea what or where area 51 is and you gave me no hint. Escape is good from torture. Pursued by aliens sounds silly and what kind of humans are after her anyway. The CIA agent fighting to find a way to protect this woman he loves is eclipsed by her child that could change the universe.

Compelling Good Title and a Logline Treasure.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Sounds gripping. My only gripe is "woman he has grown to love" -- if he falls in love with her during the film, don't write in past tense.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

I think you're on the right track, but your logline leaves me with a lot of questions. I'm not sure why he rescues this woman. What's in it for him? And how is her child going to change the universe? What will happen to the universe without her child? I think if you enhanced the stakes, this story would be much stronger.

Kirk White (Level 5)

not a good title but I can see the movie in here.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: Tells me nothing. Gives me no insight into the story, nor anything memorable for when I stand in the movie theater, wondering which movie to go see. Ultimately, it's unfortunately a forgettable title.

Story: Is the CIA involved with Area 51? I thought the CIA was only supposed to operate beyond American borders. You imply that the agent and woman have known each other for some time, but how can that work? And who's kid is it? And how could he change the universe? You've set up some interesting questions, but plot alone won't make me go see this movie. Area 51's been done a lot. So has humans being chased by aliens.

Craft: "find a way to" seems unnecessary. I'd suggest: "he must protect not only...". It's quicker and more concise.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

I like this premise. Great logline. I could see this this popping up after I push the info to find out about a movie.

I don't know much about Federal agencies, but I think CIA deals with foreign intellgence. Maybe another agency would be better suited, unless he has tracked aliens from overseas. Or you could create your own Federal agency. Since you will have aliens in your script, you have more freedom to create new things that don't exists.

I am very interested on your take of what the alien looks like. I want to know why the alien would take the time to pursue the woman and child rather than bomb everyone and everything on the Earth to make sure the boy doesn't change things. It brings to mind one of my favorite movies "Terminator" without the confusing and conflicting time travel stuff.

A great start here.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Title doesn't give me anything to get excited about. I realize it's (at least indirectly) about a boy, but could there have been an action word like "pursuit" or a more telling word like "savior" to grab the reader's attention. The description is better, but also seems like a description of the final couple seasons of the X-Files. I might be interested in seeing this film, but you haven't made me "have to" see it, yet.

Lizzayn Shaarawi (Level 3)

The title is okay, I think it could be better. The premise is wonderful. It sounds very exciting. The logline is well written. It is brief but gives the audience a good idea of what to expect. I think this would make a great movie. I hope to see your next ten pages. Great job!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: Simple and direct. It fits the story. Good title.

Story: This sounds interesting. I'd love to see the first 10 pages. Very good story.

Craft: Very good.

Very good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Nice title. It is short and right to the point. As the audience reads it, they'll say to themselves "what about the boy?". Great marketing tool. The logline is right on target and makes me want to read more of this story. Nice job.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

It's different but it has a bit of a "Terminator" feel with the son thing. Sounds interesting. I really dislike sci fi so I have to score this with a totally open mind. Not nuts about the title. I think it's too basic. Just my opinion. The concept is cool, the logline is good although "tortured woman" is a little confusing. Tortured how...and by who? Too many things to answer in a logline so I wonder if it would be better to leave the work "tortured" out, maybe replace it with a different adjective. Anyway, I think you did a very good job creating a logline that would grab people's interest.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Cool. I love Area 51 and all that conspiracy theory bull. I also love a good chase movie, so this could be my favorite movie.

Is the child an alien/human hybrid? Because that would be cool, but if you had another trick up your sleeve, that would be even cooler. The hybrid idea has been done before (the Battlestar Galactica remake is only example I can think of at the moment) but it could still work well, and I wouldn't be disappointed if that was what it turned out to be.

I really want to know what happens next. That's the sign of a compelling story and compelling logline.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Hmmm. There are tiny nuggets that intrigue me, but something is rubbing me the wrong way. I'm not sure what it is yet. I need to come back to this one.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This logline is ok. I would only cut it down a bit more, something like:

Pursued by human and alien alike, a CIA agent must find a way to protect the tortured woman he has grown to love and the child inside her that is destined to change the universe.

I think the title could have a bit more oomp, like Destiny's Boy or Boy 51.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: like this a lot, it's very simple but somehow evokes a mysterious feel and tells us that this child is enormously important.

Story: This reminds me of The Terminator, which is great in my eyes. I'd like to know more about the obstacles the protagonists face, all you give us it that humans & aliens are after them - who are these adversaries? why are after them? give us a bit more to reel us in. Otherwise this is pretty strong.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

This is a very good logline. It tells genre, it lays out the protagonist's goals and charters the journey and the structure of the screenplay. It also has the twist at the end that will make readers want to read it and audiences want to see it.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: Yes
Antagonistic force: Yes
Stakes: Yes
Accurate Portrait: No

my personal opinions about your log line:
This is close to Excellent. I just felt there were a couple unexplained plot points. Why is there a tortured woman in Area 51? Why is the CIA agent helping the woman's child? Is the child actually "their" child? I hope your feature-length screenplay answers these left-open questions.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Tortured woman? You mean they were doing experiments on her? How long have they known eachother so that he loves her? Also, the title suggests that "the boy" has a much stronger roll than what has been listed. Too little information tends to get screenplays overlooked.

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

While this will be nothing like Children of Men (I'm only guessing, but I'm pretty sure that's not the direction you're going), that's all I'm thinking about after reading the logline. That's not to discredit your logline however. I'm merely babbling the first thing that came to my head.

I think it's a great idea and you can certainly do a lot with it. I think the title would be better if it's just "Boy" rather than "The Boy".

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

The title ties nicely to the logline. I like the premise here, it's solid and there's a lot to work with. The only thing I'd suggest is to clarify "tortured woman". On my first read, I thought mentally tortured, but after another read, I'm thinking she was being physically abused. If you could clarify that point, I think this is solid. "A CIA agent helps a woman being tortured escape from Area 51. Pursued by human and alien alike, he must find a way to protect not only the woman he has grown to love, but the treasure that could change the universe: her child." Not sure if this helps, but I think it can be addressed. Nice job, though. I think this one could go Top 30.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I feel the whole Area 51 thing is a little overdone now, with all the documnentaries, t.v. shows and movies about it. It's almost lost it's mystique.

Title: A little too bland, not specific to the story or genre, could apply to numerous stories.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is sleek, to the point, and gets across everything it needs to involve you in the sotry and tell you about these characters.

Storywise, it gets a little saccharine by the end, not just in the ultimate goal of the movie (which is a bit mushy for action sci-fi) but in the language (I'm looking at "treasure", which sounds like a mother describing her child, not an actual scientific discovery). The title isn't really compelling, either.

Nitpick - "he has grown to love" should switch to present tense - he "grows to love" her over the course of the movie.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

Eh, it could work. I'm sure I've seen about ten movies similar to this, though. I always get confused as to how any kind of baby could save the world, I mean this movie pretty much is "Shoot 'Em Up" with an alien element. I'm seeing alot of people that are creative freighters, run aground on concepts that are already used. Fair.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This title is not very good. It gives little hint of what the movie is about or what kind of movie it is.

The story has potential and hints an array of buttons, although for me I'm not seeing an original element that stands out.

The craft is solid and I like the fact that it is short and yet I think I have a good idea how the movie will play out. The second sentence is a little busy and I'm not sure I'm seeing a hook that grabs my interest.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'll be honest, I didn't like the title at all.

The logline was pretty good though and I would like to know more about this film.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I needed more of what Area 51 is. I don't get the reference immediately. Pursued by human and alien alike struck a sour chord with me. First, I thought it should be 'aliens' then I thought - aliens at all? I don't like the premise of aliens and humans after the same thing. Too Men In Blackish. A child to change the universe is bold but this one didn't really grab me.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

You wrote this well. It was quick, covered the major elements without too much fluff, and the story is very compelling. I look forward to reading more.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very nicely done. I like this. I think you've got it all here, and in a small amount of words. Good solid logline. Nice title.

Sarah Daly (Level 2)

Very concise and to the point - you hit all the right spots - the main relationship of the film, the genre, the major conflict and also the tension. I can certainly see this as a thriller with a sci-fi element. The X-Files meets The Bourne Identity and the romance adds an extra interesting element. I think the title could be a little more descriptive and inspiring though - find a way to express the genre in the title. I like the simplicity but it doesn't quite grab me.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Good. It will stand alone but it's generic and tells you nothing about the story unless you also read the logline.

Story - Good set-up of the premise of the story. You also touch on the obsticles he faces. However, IMHO, you are missing the major stakes and a hook. He "could change the universe" - How? Why should I want to know more based on this fact?

Craft - Nothing technically wrong with it as far as typos or grammar but you need a stronger hook.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great logline! I would only recommend one change, the word "tortured." To me, it suggests interrogation (or just plain psychopathic evil), and it takes the story in a different direction. I would just say "a captive woman" or simply "a woman." Great logline, though.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Title: I think it works. Kind of like that Demi Moore movie: The Seventh Sign, or, to some extent, Rosemary's baby. I can see the boy turning out to be some hybrid human that was impregnated into the woman by the aliens. Subtle, yet it's the whole story: the boy. Very Good.

Story: It can work, and it'll all be dependent upon how well you set the story up. This is something that, with the right actors, I would see. Very Good.

Craft: The logline could use a little work. You mention Area 51 and then "boom" there are aliens mentioned. Perhaps you could set it up a little better with an introduction to the way things are in the world of this idea. Is the CIA agent just a normal Joe, or does he have some sort of characteristic that could make him a memorable character? Last day of the job? New rookie on the force? Had dreams about the woman? Fair.

Overall: Good.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Well structured logline, but I think we need more. Why are they in area 51? Are they alien or human?

The title is a little too generic to really stand out.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I like this except I'm confused - is the CIA agent helping a tortured woman and her son escape from Area 51, or is the woman pregnant? Or do they have to rescue her son together from somewhere else - or go back to get him? I think there's a key character missing from the first sentence or this needs some other explanation about the boy and his whereabouts.

I also think "change the universe" is a little ambigious and grandiose. Is the boy actually capable of altering the entire universe or is it just the fate of humankind?

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Sounds a little too Terminator-y for me.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Poor. A great story that nobody will see because the title means nothing. Every movie with a boy in it could conceivably be called "The Boy". Find what makes your movie unique and work from that point.

Logline: Very good. Although there is a LOT you could do to improve this... it's missing some important logline components... you've got a winner of a movie idea and you've communicated the basic well enough.

Bottom line: Very good.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Not sure you need "tortured" in the logline. Doesn't seem relevant to anything else. The fact that she wanted to escape tells the audience she didn't want to be there.

I think your introduction of "aliens" in the logline may be too nonchalant. I'd rework that... maybe something like "When he finds out that they're being pursued by not only humans, but aliens as well..."

Aside from those issues, I think it's a good logline. It's an intriguing enough premise.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

This looks like a solid logline to me. I don't see anything wrong with it.
It stats off strong and then, for me, fizzles out a little.

It looks like a CIA/suspense kind of film, but then starts looking like its going to be a love story.

Maybe something like "..protect not only the woman he has loves, but the offspring growing inside of her" ?
That way it still stay creepy and suspenseful at the same time with out getting too mushy.
Let me just preface that I DO live mushy movies with the best of them, but this seems to
start off like action, and I want to see it continue to head in that direction

Then again, its just my opinion.
Very Good!

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

This sounds like a cool story I would want to see. But you need to add more specifics. Don't just call him a CIA Agent or a Woman. Let me know the Character. Be more specific about what the obstacle is, not just a vague idea of running. How did the woman come to be getting tortured, and why was the CIA agent there. I need to beleive your premise.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Intense. The logline is about as clear as it can be. This would have universal appeal. My 2nd Excellent in a row.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

"The Boy" doesn't do it for me -- it just doesn't conjure up any imagery. I do like the logline and this plot line would definitely garner interest from a large audience.

William Coleman (Level 5)

The title does nothing for me. It could be the title of dozens of films. I know finding good titles is hard. They are having that problem with a lot of recent films in release. In fact, I know a person who invents titles for studios for a living. Get that title right, and the reader is in a good mood toi go on to your logline.

That, too, has problems. It is very short and very general. I sense a high-concept sci-fi script with real humans - and an evolving romantic relationship - involved in the action - and that would interest me - but you don't give me enough to be sure that is what you're about. I need just a smidgeon more information to provoke me into wanting to read your script. I sense a twist on sci-fi that might be original. Make me feel you have an original look at a sci-fi flick and you will get a "read."

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Seems like you're going into the human-alien hybrid thing, which is cool, but it has been done on many an occasion. What can you say in your logline to show us that your story is unique and original, to distance itself from all the tales that have come before it?

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This logline is good, clear, and gives a good idea of the story, so good job. But my gosh this sounds like a film I wouldn't want to see. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt for the logline competition, but I hope the script is better than I think it sounds.

Comments Made After the Contest