Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

The title's not really resonating with me, but the rest of it is. I hope this one makes it through round 1; I'd really like to read it!

Aleem Monroe (Level 3)

I'm not sure if this is a comedy or a thriller. It would be better if it were a comedy. The logline conveys the right information I need to understand the story. But, the idea isn't anything new and does not get my juices flowing when I read it.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

A bit unoriginal, yet interesting.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Cool idea. Don't know if you needed to mention the gay father part, having a father and son trying to fix their relationship when their cabin is taken over, is a decent enough hook itself. Good title too.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title isn't an attention grabber at all. The logline is constructed well with all the necessary elements present and accounted for. No errors that I noticed. The story sounds incredibly familiar, almost identical to The Strangers with a few minor changes to the characters. I'm sure you've got a good enough handle on the story you want to tell that you'll be able to fill the pages of a feature with this, but I'm not sure it'll be anything we haven't already seen before. The genre is clearly defined as horror.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

The second half of the logline is far more compelling than the first, with the emphasis on the fight for survival against the dangerous fugitives rather than mawkish family drama.

Setting the script largely in one location, as the writer has done, could be effective in increasing the tension, but it does have the disadvantage of making the story smaller.

If executed well, this could be an effective thriller.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title is fine and has resonances of emotions running deep and so on, but it DOES seem familiar.

As does the plot, although the logline is well-written. It reminds me strongly of Deliverance and also The River Wild with Meryl Streep. I'm not saying that reminding me of something else is a BAD thing but it may be. The only thing that marks this out as different is that the dad is gay.

Is that enough? Genuine question. I don't know.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This sounds very interesting. Love the characters, should make for plenty of writing fodder.
Cool title too.
Think this one advances.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hey this is a halfway decent logline, hurray!!! It has some fat that could be trimmed, but you got everything. Here's my suggestion.

"A gay teen and his estranged father embark of a camping trip to mend their relationship, but find themselves fighting for their lives against two fugitives."

This should give you an idea where to go. I want you to notice that I stripped the word dangerous from the fugitives. If they were fighting for their life we already know they're dangerous and we usually see fugitives as dangerous.

Do I think the story is great, uh, maybe. We'll see with your first ten pages.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this title. It feels a little generic and yet it has a certain "gravitas" to it, that I think works well with your movie.

I am definitely intrigued by this story. I like the combination of the gay father and the estranged son. I wish you would take a moment to tell us about these fugitives.

As it is now, your sentence is feeling very long. I would suggest you break it up into two and add a tiny bit about these fugitives. If you can do that, I think you will have a very compelling character study with these 4 very different men trapped together.

I hope I get to read your first ten pages.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Good title. I felt the pitch was good and precise and clearly told the story. Interesting dynamic between the teenager and father, but the story would probably work without that. It feels like it could be a good story but not totally sure of the genre, as it could be a drama or action adventure.

Damien Deefholts (Level 3)

I like this one.

sounds like a movie that will keep people riveted.

explains all points brilliantly

David Birch (Level 5)

i'm in...you're really going to have to have your A game going on this one...

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

Not too shabby. Sounds like a pretty good script is waiting in that logline with a lot of drama and suspense. I would probably try to use fewer words to get across the idea, but I think it's pretty good.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

now, that can prove to be a real emotional story...good luck with this one.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I will say this: I wouldn't put money on this one making the top 30 because it doesn't have the FLASH that other loglines have...and FLASH wins logline contests.

But this has SUNDANCE AWARD WINNER written all over it. Regardless of how this does in this contest, do not get discouraged. WRITE THIS SCRIPT. And if you need somebody to give it a read when you're done, I would love to be that person.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

This is an oft-used plot, wilderness cabin, fugitives. But usually the roles are gay son, macho father. This reversal gives a new wrinkle to the plot. New to me, anyway. Sounds exciting.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Great logline and title. My only suggestion would be to make the logline leaner. This could be done easily by breaking the one long sentence into two or three smaller sentences.

Garrett Box (Level 4)

Trouble in the use of “estranged”. You need to establish who their estranged from first, i.e. a gay father and his estranged son (a gay father and his son who has drifted apart). I think it would be interesting if the son were a closeted homophobe. I’m not sure that having them bond by surviving two dangerous fugitives is the best move. It’s been done before and is sort of clichéd. Maybe take out the fugitives and keep the freak snowstorm. They have to survive the cold.

Harriet Barbir (Level 0)

Sounds promising though not sure how well the title serves it, unless it moves to the river.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I'm not sure if this film is going to be suspense drama or a gore-fest. You might consider adding something to distinguish between the two. "Dangerous" for me is like "beautiful" - kills my interest because its been used so many times. sounds like a marketable story. I'm giving this one a good.

Jay Arbry (Level 3)

Okay, hasn't this same premise (camping in the woods, crazies hunting then) been done about a zillion times before? Absolutely unoriginal.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Concise and interesting. Very good.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The logline was solidly constructed and just the right length. It sounds like the blending of two very good ideas with the family and the fugitives. I hope this one makes it.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I like the title, and nice setup for a drama/thriller. Try to make their goal more active than simply "fight for survival," perhaps, "escape the cabin" or "overcome their assailants.

It feels like it needs a little more than just two people taken hostage in a cabin. The relationship between the gay father and his son is intriguing and promises to add depth and character to the story but isn't enough to draw people into the story and make them want to watch it.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Your outdoor action adventure logline should appeal to an audience keen on the great outdoors and tales of endurance. Good set-up that should draw them in.

From what I can gather in an effective logline every word must have significance, no word should be wasted. I don’t think you need ‘own’ followed by the word survival. I could site a few more unnecessary words, but I’m sure you will see them yourself just reading your logline out loud.

In the space you save by pruning you could tell us the gender of the two dangerous fugitives. It would make a really interesting film if the two fugitives were both of the human female variety.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Sounds promising, reminds me a little of something like "Deliverance" or "The River Wild."

A few thoughts:
-- Does it matter that the Father is gay? Is it the reason why the relationship has broken down. If the film is primarily a thriller rather than a human interest drama, I would trim the opening section to something like: "A father and son embark on a weekend camping trip to mend their strained relationship". Notice how I removed the "estranged" and replaced it with "strained".
-- I would also trim "freak fall snowstorm" to "freak snowstorm".

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

I like the idea of the gay father attempting to mend his relationship with his estranged teenage son on a camping trip. Terrific idea! The conflict, the arrival of the fugitives, seems somewhat cliche and overdone. I wish you could think of another interesting conflict that the two characters could overcome. Regardless, this movie sounds like it has a lot of merit, and your logline is clear an to the point. I hope to read more.

Kirk White (Level 5)

think you could rewrite this to be more effective but the premise is solid.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: If the title is the name of an actual river in the story, then perhaps you could rename the river to something more interesting.

Story: Not yet riveting, because most action movies end up with some sort of relationship mending at the end, for example every Die Hard, every Lethal Weapon, even Jurassic Park and more. Maybe if the reason they went up to the cabin was different from the on-the-nose "Let's mend our relationship, son", and if their relationship-mending were merely a natural response to the story, I think that would be better.

Craft: Very good. I'd probably use "unexpected" instead of "freak fall".

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Title works with the logline. Logline itself is great. It covers the protagonists, the antagonists, the tension. Great job.

Lizzayn Shaarawi (Level 3)

An interesting and original idea. I do feel the logline could be shortened quite a bit but the premise is solid.

Loraine Mcbarron (Level 3)

I read the logline as being a drama with thriller elements to it. There is lots of conflict and danger to the story. Its a story that would be interesting to see how it plays out.

Loren Prendergast (Level 3)

Is this meant as a horror film? or a Drama film? or both. The first half seems heavy people-story drama (with the gay father and all)... but, then it jumps to fugitive/survival story. It would be interesting to see a horror script with heavy drama element to it. I'm just not sold on the idea and don't get much of a feel for the story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: I love the spiritual. I don't know if this is going to be based on that or not, but you have my attention with this title. After reading the logline I feel that the title fits pretty well. Good title.

Story: Lots of drama and probably plenty of suspence. Your story sounds really interesting. Good story.

Craft: The only thing I'd change would be the last few words - "sudden blizard" might work as well as what you have. If you did that, you might want to replace "weekend" with "Fall." Spelling and punctuation look good. Good craft.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

The first part of this logline sounded like a comedy, the end makes it sound like a thriller. I sort of like it though. I like the idea of this kid and his gay dad running from these guys. Unique. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

How can you have a fair fight in a wilderness cabin against dangerous fugitives, who I presume would have acquired a gun after breaking out of prison?

I get the idea that this trauma, this experience, brings them closer together, right? Well, say so, relate them, so it sounds like a more coherent movie. For example, "when two dangerous fugitives... they must learn to work together in order to survive the night". That was bad, but it was off the top of my head.

Otherwise it sounds good.

Matthew Belanger (Level 3)

Nice logline. Very to the point and a unique idea. The stakes are pretty high for the protagonists to fight for their lives giving them great conflict. Be weary of too many talky scenes which can happen with 4 people in a snowed in house story lines (For a stage play, that's fine, but there needs to be more visual action as well). I'd like to read the first ten pages, so excellent.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: great, conjures up all sorts. Deep hints at action/adventure as in deep trouble but it also nods towards soul searching & profundity and river also action and emotions. Fits extremely well with your logline.

Story: New spin on a well trodden idea, I love the idea of a son getting to know his gay father and then you throw into the mix a 'Deliverance' type scenario. We have a protagonist with a clear goal - to mend his relationship and then a huge obstacle with the fugitives threatening their lives. You've sold it to me!

Craft: Excellent, extremely well constructed, could see this at the beginning of any review in a film mag. Comma perhaps unecessary but excellent otherwise. Hope to read it in the following months.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

The logline does promise the reader and viewer a lot of internal and external drama. It meets one of my pet considerations -- each word adds to the telling. The title also is evocative. My biggest problem is that the themes remind me too much of the movie, Deliverance.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: Yes
Antagonistic force: Yes
Stakes: Yes
Accurate Portrait: Yes

my personal opinions about your log line:
It sounds kinda ordinary, but I'd pay to see it. I especially want to read what you did to make it fresh. There are alot of possibile storylines to explore with the characters you've plotted out.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I like the father/son conflict, but the rest of the plot sounds a lot like "The River Wild." In fact, I'm not sure this story even needs the "dangerous fugitives." Mother Nature and the sensitive nature of their relationship could pose enough conflict to make this an interesting and a moving character piece.

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

The "gay father" makes the logline stand out. It sounds like you're making an effort for something unconventional, based purely on that description. It might not even be a huge part of the plot (I'm guessing not?), but it's little things like that that fits well with the world we're in right now,where gay parents aren't a big deal anymore (kind of).

Anyway, I like how you have an emotional narrative (first line) and a thriller plot (second line). This is one of my favorite loglines, in terms of how you wrote the sentence. It's not confusing at all, and I get a clear view of the mood and imageries.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

There’s a lot of information packed into one sentence and I like that. This is kind of a mini-synopsis and works well in this case. The logline also has an awesome hook in my opinion. “Estranged” teenager and “Gay” father caught my attention right away. When you throw in an adventure and a fight for survival I think what we have here is an intriguing movie. Not to mention your title is perfect. Deep, indeed. This one could be a winner, definitely top 30 in my opinion. Fantastic logline. A 5 bagger!

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Original premise.

It seems you have all the bases touched here-

I can easily see the three act structure of the scipt through the logline.
You have clear protagonists and antagonists.
Goals are established, as well as the consequences of not achieving them.
There's an interesting setting.
It appears every type of conflict is covered here.

Title: Good, little generic, but I can see how it might fit into your story specifically.

Good job.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I have to say up front: this logline has elicited from me the most surprising reaction of any in this contest so far. I was a little afraid even to expound upon it, but I think it's a fascinating experiment into what might "sell" - which is one way I've been judging this contest.

The images this one conjured up were a little scattered. The title says drama, or thriller. But the first phrase of the sentence almost sounded comedic, like a "family comes together" movie, like "Are We There Yet?" or "Parent Trap". When I tried to figure out exactly what words were causing that feeling, I discovered this: the logline works perfectly as a thriller for me if I eliminate the word "gay".

Suffice to say, this shocked me. Why should that be the only thing that matters? Does gay equal comedy? Or funny? Can homosexuality not be a qualifier in a thriller? I'm no homophobe, and yet I can't deny my reaction, and I wonder if you'd get the same reaction from a random script reader.

If no one else picked up on this, then I'm alone, ignore me, and it's probably better that way. But if you get comments about genre confusion, consider this. It may not be right, but if what was right was what sells, we'd never have gotten movies like "Bride Wars".

I'm not marking it down for the word choice.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

This is a good log line. Short and sweet, got all your main ideas in there. Nicely done. I'd contemplate on a new title, unless the river you're talking about has a consistent significance to the story, but maybe not. Whatever. Very good job.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There is a good story to be had in this. However the basic concept here has a familiar ring to it in its broad details. I don't know if you have succeeded in finding the new angle that makes this seem fresh.

The title works as a metaphor and gives the right kind of visual image of what the movie is about. You have used one long single sentence, but because you have broken it up that is not as much of a problem as it is for some entrants.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

The logline itself was pretty tight all around. I like the title but I'll say the story seems to familiar(not the gay dad) but the content :) - not something I would watch but I think you would have a pretty good audience and I am judging on yor logline...and it think it is Very good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I like the various meanings that could be derived from the title. Nice. Instant drama and conflict with the characters and situations presented. Well done. My only small critique would be to tweak the seond half of the sentence. 'fugitives' implies more than one anyway, so I would leave out 'two.' Also, if it's a freak snowstorm, I don't know that we need 'fall' in there. Aside from that, this is a well-presented and intriguing pitch that would make me request the script. Well done.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

This script has "intrigue" written all over it! I LOVE this logline and the idea behind the story. It was written very well and expresses the major elements in a very compelling way. Very well done!

Full Marks!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good solid title and an intriguing logline. I would definitely want to read more about these people's story. Gay father is very interesting. And I'm pretty sure that his teenage son would be estranged, and confused.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Very good. It's intriguing and stands alone well. I also think that it nicely compliments your logline assuming that Deep River is where the story takes place.

Story - You do a good job of setting up the personalities and the conflict and the basic story line. The conflict is implicit in the fact that they are stuck in this cabin with dangerous fugitives. IMHO, you need more than that for the hook, though. This sounds not unlike a couple of things on TV recently so you need to do something to set it apart. What makes this story really unique? That's your hook.

Craft - You have one very long, very drawn out sentence. IMHO it needs to be simplified or broken up into smaller sentences. You have some detail that you don't need which will help simplify/shorten if you remove it. For instance, it doesn't really matter if it's a "freak fall snowstorm". "Snowstorm" works just as well, they're trapped, I get it. Along the same lines, it doesn't matter if it's a "weekend camping trip" or just a "camping trip". They're in the wilderness together, that's all that matters.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Good logline. And it sounds like an interesting movie with a great twist. It will be fun to see how the gay father-estranged teen-aged son dynamic plays out against the menacing fugitives with a little bit of mother nature thrown into the mix. Nice logline! Can't wait to see the movie.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Not sure about this one. It sounds somewhat like the setup of that Morgan Freeman/John Cusack movie. Only you've added that the father is gay (rather than wife-less), and rather than just Morgan Freeman, there are two bad guys.

Now, having said all that, I think this could still work. The logline is well written. The title is probably the name of the cabin, or at least the park in which the cabin resides. Or, it could have a double meaning, perhaps there is a deep river that runs along the way, by the cabin, and it has to do with the death of the bad guys. See, there is mass potential for a multitude of stories. I'm curious to see where you go with it.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

An estranged teenager and his gay father... scratch, scratch, scratch. Huh! How does that happen. Never mind, I know. He was adopted or the father came out of the closet after a bad divorce. It is possible.

So, I found this logline to be one of the better ones I have read. Good job. It did seem a bit like that movie, "Disturbia." And only slightly. Would love to read it if you place in the contest.

If I were a reader, I would read this one. Seems mostly shot indoors, which is a budgeting benefit, and seem the location shots would be all in one spot. This might be filmed on a lower budget and actually be able to make money. The words in the logline flowed well, good pace.

Your title was good.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

Nice setup. The logline is short and crisp, and gives us two characters with plenty of issues to work out, while at the same time establishes plenty of suspense, action, and physical conflict. Without going into the details of how this will work out, you've planted enough seeds in the mind of the reader where we can anticipate what the film would look like - the genre, the tone, etc.
That's exactly what a logline should do. Good work!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Riveting. I'd definitely want to see this movie! Nice suggestion of complex relationships, life & death situation, and intrigue.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Yeah. Title fits on several levels, potential for drama and action...characters already sound interesting with some depth and real issues...I don't know if the "freak fall" snowstorm is totally relevant (snowstorm might suffice)...Regardless of this challenge, you should move on this...

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

I can see the entire movie play out in my head, it would make for a decent but predictable feature.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Very good

Logline: Very good.

Would have been better if you'd told us more about how they fight, what their skills are... something to round it out... but still, this was very good.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I really like the premise. And I think the logline is good. I get an idea of the external and internal conflicts that will be dealt with. I'd maybe change the structure slightly to something like:

An estranged teenager and his gay father use a weekend camping trip as a last-ditch attempt to save their relationship. But when a freak fall snowstorm brings a pair of escaped fugitives to their wilderness cabin, they must also fight to save their lives.

Sorry about rewriting it, but I really had only minor quibbles that are better expressed by just rewriting it then trying to describe the changes.

Overall, great job.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

I like the concept and the titles good
but the sentence seems so long that I'm running out of breath reading it.
I think if you broke it into two it would be more digestible.

For me, just this part alone: "An estranged teenager and his gay father embark on a weekend camping trip in a last ditch effort to mend their relationship", would work by itself. It's hard enough to get along with your father, and then if your a kid
and maybe a bit homophobic, this could fill and entire screenplay with plenty of fuel
even leaving out the dangerous fugitives. Especial if you place it in the 70's, when being gay was not vogue.

Despite the run-on sentence (which I understand is par for the course in many pro loglines too)
I give this one good marks!

Good luck!

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

I thought that this was an interesting father son story but was not sure who the main character or hero is, and in turn, what that person's goal would be. I do think having to fight to stay alive is a neat way to bring the two together. Are they estranged because the father is gay? If that is not central to the story, or a specific theme, then it is not necesary to explain now.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

Fantastic! You have a compelling protagonist with a flaw and an internal and external goal. The conflict and drama is already implied and you have a great ticking-clock element with a determined antagonist. High marks!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

You definitely have a scenario with plenty of conflict and obstacles. I would leave out the words "last ditch", because unless one of them is terminally ill, then they really have their entire lifetime to mend their relationship. I would also trim off "their own", and "during a freak fall snowstorm." This would make the logline shorter but still not lose the tension. This would attract A list actors.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Your choice of title is vague. Your premise make your story sound like a father-son version of "River Wild," except a snowstorm replaces dangerous rapids. On the plus side your action seems very confined. This would interest producers working on a very low budget, but they might question whether this might work just as well as a confined stage play. You do have two things going for you - a gay father and estranged teenage son.

Your impression of your story leaves me a little cold. Except for the twist above, I see this as a conventional wilderness/bad guys conflict.

In conveying your brief impression of your story, you write well and clearly.

That would make me as a potential reader says, "Hey, this sounds interesting."

This process is a first step in a series of steps. Each one must be a strong stride forward.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

There have been a lot of movies like this where estranged family is up against the same threat, which leads to a team up, success and family peace. ("The River Wild" immediately comes to mind.) Although the gay father angle is good, provide other tidbits in the logline to prove to us that this isn't the same old story.

Comments Made After the Contest