Comments Made During the Contest

Aleem Monroe (Level 3)

The logline has the neccessary info to understand what the story is about. I like the idea of a man of the cloth becoming a vigilante, seeking revenge against those who did this to his daughter, though the story reminds me too much of FALLING DOWN.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

So it's a priest killing drug dealers. This will all be in the execution, although bear in the mind the everyman turns vigilante is all that seems to be being written at the moment. It's like every writer in the world is using these gritty revenge tales as some cathartic means of exorcising the demons of a rising crime rate. Jodie Fosters 'The Brave One' seems to have sparked all this. Either way this could be interesting if approached right. If it has a message. Otherwise it's just your standard fair bloodlust, vengeance narrative that may as well star Segal. It gets a good based on expectation.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

This is good. It is a provocative idea that alludes to the fall of a man and his resignation to violence. The title is also good. I would just play with the sentences a little bit to eliminate some of the prepositional phrases and make it stronger.

"A quiet preacher goes over the edge turning vigilante and taking a brutal ministry of one to the inner city for revenge following his daughter's death."

It's okay if we learn how she died after we have bought the ticket. Death and revenge will always stir some interest.

Same info but more active rather than passive language. That is just a grammar thing, but see what you think. Your story idea is good.

Bill Davis (Level 2)

The first 18 words suck me in. Very good, maybe cut out the word quiet, you don't need it. A logline is to get the reader to read the treatment or synopsis or buy a movie ticket. The first 18 words ending on Vigilante got my interest, I'd buy a ticket, but the rest of the logline dosen't make a lot of sense. I know what you're trying to say but it not clear at all. Rewrite the last part making it clear, then I would give it an EXCELLENT.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Everything sounds good to me. The logline, even though well done, could be chopped down to be shorter. It sounded a little run-on near the end. But I'm sold on this one.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is cool. The logline is written well, nice and tight, with no typos that I noticed. The story sounds a bit familiar, like The Punisher, but I'm a big fan of The Punisher so that's not necessarily all bad. Protagonist, his obstacles and goals are all clearly portrayed. There's no mention of an antagonist though so are we to assume any and all bad guys will fill that role? Or is there one major druglord he's after more than others? It seems like you have a good enough handle on the story you want to tell that you'll be able to fill the pages of a feature. The genre is clearly action-revenge.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

There's a lot of conflict inherent in this logline, which is a good thing.

"the overdose death of his daughter" should probably be something like "the death of his daughter from an overdose".

"a brutal ministry of one" is an evocative phrase, if a little depressing in its irony.

"redemption, and revenge" is possibly contradictory. If not, then there is, at the very least, a tension between these two things, and the writer needs to make it clear how they are going to address this. At the moment it's quite vague. The title is similarly vague, but intriguing, and part of the job of the logline is to set out where the script is coming from thematically, and at the moment it doesn't really do this.

A possible approach would be to have the preacher being peaceful, then turning to violent revenge, then repenting and finding the salvation that he's been preaching, or something along those lines. Perhaps this is what the writer already had in mind; perhaps not.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think this is a good title and a good logline.

My BUT is that the story sounds awfully familiar. I'm not enough of a film buff to be able to give you exact titles but I feel it has been done before. Perhaps not with a preacher (although I believe a similar idea was in a short here on MP. Was it yours?)but certainly with inoffensive men turned wild by horrendous circumstances.

Is it sufficiently different? This is not my opinion, it's a genuine question.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Cool idea, but the way this is written it's too confusing.
Is the ministry brutal or the things that he has to face on a daily basis? Think that should be worded differently.
Love the words "redemption and revenge" in the same sentence, but with this logline you have taken all of the mystery out of your story. You have a preacher here, no one will think he's out for revenge or that he is a vigilante. It's the perfect setup. You lead your audience to believe that his daughter's death has so affected him that he puts himself in the middle of the drug scene to help others like her. Only you know different, you know he's lost it and is looking for the pusher responsible. It's great, a movie I'd love to see. Only, you don't have that here, you have him going for revenge, we know it before we walk in the theatre.
I would suggest you take out the "turns vigilante" part, fix the "brutal" context, and end it with something like - "but is he there for redemption - or revenge?" or leave off revenge altogether.
Sorry I can't rate this one higher for the movie I think it could be, but I'm not sure that's where you are going.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Short and sweet. I guess the antag and protag is the preacher himself.

I don't know if this is my thing, but hell I would give it a shot. I can't wait to read your first 10 pages.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title. Dark and evocative, fitting perfectly with the story in the logline.

I really like this story a lot. I get a sense of the protagonist, his arc, and the journey we will go on. It's well written and easy to follow (I wish more loglines were).

One small suggestion, I wish we had a sense of who the antagonist is, besides the vague "inner city streets".

Lastly, no big deal, but you can get rid of that last comma.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Great title and Great Logline. I like the idea of a preacher turning into a vigilante.Looking forward to the script.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

The title is awesome!

The logline is very tight and gives me a crystal clear picture of what's going to happen in the story. I'd spend my money to see this one. Three loglines to review and this is my fifth Excellent! Great job!

David Birch (Level 5)

i'm not sure how original the idea is, but you delivered a clear, precise logline and you promised conflict withing the text of you submission...good luck

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I like the title, it works for me. It creates images.

I like most of the logline though I might take out the “goes over the edge” phrase since I don’t think it adds anything. He “turns vigilante” which I think says essentially the same thing only better. So "over the edge" really is redundant.

The "ministry of one" phrase also is a bit awkward to me and I think it could be better blended into the logline.

All that said, I think the screenplay that may emerge has potential. Hope you get a chance to move to the next round.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This sounds like a good ol' fashioned over-the-top action flick. There are a couple descriptors in your logline that might be able to go: "After the overdose death of his daughter, a quiet preacher turns vigilante and takes a brutal ministry of one to the inner city streets." I don't know...something to think about.

Just one man's opinion, but your title doesn't do it for me. I think you should consider changing your title to (a) SALVATION or (b) MINISTRY OF ONE.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

This will make a good movie, but the kind that gets under my skin, so I avoid. I like light and breezy and this is dead opposite.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I would recommend two sentences instead of the one long sentence. Suggest something like this: "After the overdose death of his daughter, a quiet preacher goes over the edge. He turns vigilante, takes a brutal ministry of one to the inner city streets for redemption and revenge." The title is perfect!

Garrett Box (Level 4)

The image of a Preacher taking out the trash is a little over the top and funny. What I would suggest is make the preacher hire someone to kill them, or encourage another gang to do his dirty work for him.

Isaac Burrows (Level 1)

Sounds good but it will need work to differentiate it from similar stories that have been done.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked this title very much and the logline pretty much. I can see a real movie here, and it could be packed with a great deal of interest. The form of the logline should probably be tweaked. Firstm "goes over the edge" is a cliche to be avoided. I think the logline works better if you end it at "streets." Redemption and Revenge seem antithetical to me. If you have them both, would he be initially looking for revenge and then confronting the fact that he himself needs to be redeemed? If that's the case, then switch the order of the words, perhaps? I'm giving this one a good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

It is dark, yet interesting. Most of us, at some point, feel we might go over the edge.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I thought it was an ok logline that needed some work. I think the logline just comes off a little clunky. I think a rewrite would definitely improve it.

Joe Belzberg (Level 3)

This is a cool premise and your logline is worded well. I'm getting a very Batman-esque vibe from this, is this intentional?

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Nice and succinct. A straightforward revenge tale, and the logline presents it well. I'm not sure who the preacher is after, specifically, though. Her dealer? A druglord? Also, I'm not sure where "redemption" comes in, it just sounds like revenge to me. What does he need to be redeemed for?
In any case, having the hero be a preacher adds and interesting twist. Intriguing.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Your title and logline should attract the bigoted audience you have targeted with this stuff. I assume the poor quiet preacher’s daughter OD’d on drugs of some kind – it wouldn’t be alcohol or nicotine – don’t be shy, spell it out? It would not be the first time that a preacher of some kind raged about the self inflicted suicide of so called innocent. The well worn eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, retribution is mine cries out the lord, and all that old malarkey. I better return to this critiqué tomorrow.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Sounds promising but I think the opening wording is backwards. Perhaps rewrite as: "A quiet preach turns vigilante following his daughter's death."

There's also too many "ands" for more liking, it disrupts the flow.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

I am not sure what you mean by "a brutal ministry of one". Is he trying to save people, or hurt the people who preyed on his daughter? This could be a great movie, I am just not sure what it is about. What is the conflict?

Kevin Savino Riker (Level 2)

I like the title, and I think the premise is very interesting; I can imagine there being many great moments in this story. Having said that, this logline was a little hard to read; you should take a little more time to polish it up. It would be easier on you and on the reader if you tried to describe the premise in more than one sentence. Also, 'overdose death' needs to be expressed differently - either with different words, or by rearranging the sentence. Best of luck!

Kirk White (Level 5)

the title has to go but the premise is solid.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: Strikes me as just a little too long, or a little too clunky, or something. Not really memorable in the long run.

Title: How is this story fundamentally different from "The Brave One"?

Craft: I think you could cut out "goes over the edge when he" and the logline would be the same. They seem like extraneous words to me.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Good Title gives some mystery to what the script will be about. Good story idea, logline gives you a good dip into what the script will bring you. Shows conflict, passion and consequence or redemption. I would definitely read the script to see where this preacher takes me and how he comes to terms with his belief vs. his anger?

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Seems like sort of a generic "Death Wish"-style revenge flick. I'd like to see something in the logline that separates this from the herd. I was hung between Fair and Good, so tie goes to the writer.

Lizzayn Shaarawi (Level 3)

Good title. Interesting premise. Though brief, the logline could use a bit more editing. Overall you've done a very good job.

Loraine Mcbarron (Level 3)

The logline doesn't indicate where the story is going to go except for a man turning vigilante and extracting revenge onto the inner city streets. There doesn't appear to be anything but brutality to look for in the story.

Loren Prendergast (Level 3)

You know, this isn't very original... And I'm not sure why. But, I kinda like it. It's cheesy. But, I think it is meant to be. This log line feels like it should be more than one sentence. And, some of it doesn't make sense. "takes a brutal ministry of one...to the streets" I'm not sure what this means exactly. And, I think you really should put enough effort into the log line to make the reader want to read more... and, not be scared that the same grammatical errors will fill the script. Also, I'd like a little more story in the LL. Like, what is the preacher doing for revenge? Fighting the drug dealers that dealt his daughter the drugs that made her overdose? Or, what exactly? Give a little more information. Also, what else is going to happen? That doesn't sound like a whole movie. Just an idea... Put more story in.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: I like this title. It sounds like a movie title and it fits the story fairly well. Good title.

Story: The vengeful father cleaning up the streets is a pretty old and well-used story, but making him a preacher adds a bit of a twist. Good story.

Craft: I had to read this more than a few times before I got it right. Some of that was due to punctuation and some to wording. I think you could shorten this, tighten it up and have a logline that's more enticing to the reader. Good craft.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Good title. the logline is good although I had to read it a couple of times to understand. I think it could be easily fixed by just making it a little clearer. Good job. It sounds interesting.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow, sounds good.

I like the tipping point in this character, where he becomes a violent vigilante, but is still sympathetic, and is even more interesting at the same time.

One word doesn't sit right - is he really trying to find redemption? If he is, maybe it's after the revenge part, and needs forgiveness? Redemption doesn't really fit in the context of the rest of the logline.

Matthew Belanger (Level 3)

The girl's death is confusing. Is this a murderous overdose? I feel like most are accidental or suicidal? The motivation for him to transform from quiet preacher to vigilante doesn't seem believable yet. Maybe there should be more to her death and he should have a direct target which could lead to him basically patrolling the city killing bad guys, but I don't see that yet. I need more info here.

Mercedes Brito (Level 2)

Not only do I love the idea but the log line flows extremely well! It's just enough to make me want to know more!

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Sounds like it could be very good, but it doesn't flow for me. I apologize for rewriting your logline, but consider starting with this: "A humble preacher turns vigilante following the death of his daughter..."

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

You got my first excellent. Congratulations.

Mike Panetta (Level 2)

Great idea - this looks like a very cool drama/thriller. But the language is all off. "Overdose death" isn't even proper English, I don't think. And even if it is, it's 2 nouns in a row, which just sounds off. As well, the end part of the sentence is too vague - "one of the innter city streets" - I mean, I know that you need to kind of be vague in the logline, but this really tells me nothing, as does the "redemption, and revenge" part. The whole concept of this movie could go either way (either thriller, drama, horror), and I think it needs to be a bit more specific.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: great title, really intrigued me, very evocative of mood and basically tells us what the story is about.

Story: A little confused by the 'ministry of one' - what does this mean? Is it him? Or someone from the government that caused his daughter's death? I'm not sure what his goal is - to avenge his daughter? to find redemption for himself or another? And what stands in his way?

I like your protagonist, he's interesting and flawed and obviously undergoes a great change in the course of this story but i'm not really sure what happens or what it's all about.

Craft: commas not necessary. Not a very clear construction. Interesting idea but I'd like to know a lot more and to understand this better.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

The logline is too much of a run on sentence, it dilutes its dramatic strength. You could either shorten it (get rid of "gos over the edge when he") or break it up into two sentences. The title is strong -- poetic and suggestive.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: Yes
Antagonistic force: No
Stakes: No
Accurate Portrait: No

Some personal observations about your log line:
I didn't totally understand the goal of this preacher. hope you can make that clearer in the next round of the contest. And, I don't know who he's competing against.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Apparently in screenplays, no religious leader can maintain their sanity or their faith. Where are the plot points, the twists? I don't see anything in this logline that shows any real story; I'm assuming the second act would consist primarily of the main character being "bad ass" on some low lives?

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

I would like more detail about who the quiet preacher goes up against and what he is hoping to achieve. While he might start out in a mindless expression of grief he must eventually find a direction to his efforts or there would be no story. At the moment it is a little too vague to really engage my interest.

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

There are interest ideas here. It's hard to predict how the script will be like. There's a high chance this will be cheesy (a preacher gone over the edge turns vigilante), but it's hard to say because I haven't read anything other than the logline.

The death of his daughter is a good setup to the story. It establishes the whole situation and we can really get to know the preacher and his relationship with his daughter.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Nice logline here. It's brief, concise and to the point. The title is also fitting. A man of the cloth chasing down drug dealers. I don't really see anything here that needs to be fixed or changed. I think "a brutal ministry of one" is an excellent phrase. Sounds like a good script to me. Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a provacative title, and a great character portrait; I can see how this quiet man will simmer and eventually explode. A lot of good noir description. I can tell you're in your element.

The one story element missing is an explicit conflict. While the implied conflict is between his past and future - spirituality versus revenge - you could strengthen the story by being specific about who he's after. "Overdose death" suggests accident - was she murdered? I just need a quick addition of a villain or group of villains, those responsible or those his vengeance is directed towards, and why. Without the why, it just seems like a man goes crazy with grief and stars taking people out, which, while entertaining, isn't much of a story.

The wording is a little slippery. The first two phrases are clean, although "overdose death" doesn't quite ring. Make the daughter the active noun, not the death - "After his daughter dies from a drug overdose" or something along those lines. "A brutal ministry" is enough - "of one" is a little weird.

Still, even with those faults, I did want to read the script.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I liked the title better than the pitch. I would have preferred two sentences and I would have omitted 'when he.' It just doesn't read right. On the other hand, I quite loved that you phrased 'takes a brutal ministry of one' with respect to a quiet preacher. Nice turn of phrase. I don't know that there's enough here for a feature. One man against the inner city streets and drug culture is not a war he can win and there's no way to get his daughter back. What is the main character's arc? How is he different at the end of the story? I think you have half of good story. What if it's a 'near' overdose and the preacher has to take on a gang from the inner city to get his daughter out of their grips? At least there's a tangible goal and a possible positive resolution.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

The title is very good- ties in well with the logline/story.

The logline itself appears pretty complete. I have a clear picture of the story you're about to tell. The conflict is abundant- a quiet preacher turns vigilante. We can root for the guy. After all his daughter was killed by an overdose.

The death of a child is a parents fear, and is a compelling plot point.

However, I'm not sure how original this is. "Death Wish" comes to mind. And yes, I know the same themes run through several movies, but I would like more depth in the logline. Something unique.

I'm going to give this a good.

Rob McCarthy (Level 2)

This struck me as a little convoluted, as if coming up with something to grab people's attention means having to come with something extreme. It certainly didn't strike me as something that could be given much depth or believability, but the line itself is well constructed and the proposed tone of the film is very clear.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

This could have been sharped up a bit, but I like the idea behind the story. It has a hint of "Pale Rider" in it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good title. The logline is a little hard to read. Well the 'a brutal ministry of one' That was the part that tripped me up a little. I think it looks like a good story.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Very good. It's intriguing and I can see it on a movie poster. It stands well on its own and works well with the logline you've written.

Story - You do a good job of laying out the story and the conflict. I get the irony that the preacher flips out and goes on a hunt for revenge. But, it seems to be lacking a strong hook. There are a lot of revenge movies that involve quiet people suddenly changing to the opposite extreme. What makes this one different? If you answer that question, you have your hook. Still, I think it's very good.

Craft - Your words are very descriptive but I don't necessarily know that they strengthen the logline. "Brutal ministry of one" implies revenge to me so it's redundant.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great title! The logline itself is a little awkward and wordy. You could probably leave out the part about the "brutal ministry of one." In itself, it's a cool phrase, but it doesn't help the logline.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Love it! Methinks a winner this. Concise, compelling and visual.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Pretty familiar story, family gets murdered and they turn into a vigilante. The preacher twist is a little different though.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Good.

Logline: Good.

Had your sentence structure been better/clearer, this might have been better. There are still some basic missing elements, but I can see the story, so you succeeded enough.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I'm always a fan of vigilante movies. And I think the preacher angle is a good one (kind of like Pale Rider meets Death Wish).

Think you trim could it down slightly so it's:

After the overdose death of his daughter, a quite preacher turns vigilante and brings his "ministry of one" to the inner city to seek redemption and revenge.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Nothing like a crisp strong visual title, coolness!

So I'm getting a Priest version of Death Wish. I like death wish and
so would be interested in seeing this developed. I like your use of words
and again, the title is strong. I wonder if you could add something more to
this to give it a bit of an unusual bias or point of view to make it even stronger?

"brutal ministry of one " Nice, very eloquent and powerful.

Also: Extra points for your brevity!
Very good!

Tracy Ryan (Level 3)

There seems to be alot of potential here. I could see a famous lead actor in this role. I just feel like it is poorly constructed and hard to read. I read once to avoid using cliches in loglines. So the "over the edge" stuck out and I don't think you need it. If someone turns into a vigilante then they have gone over the edge, right? And what is a brutal ministry? I have no idea what that is. You probably don't need redemption and revenge, one of the other. But the core idea of the film could be good. Good vs. evil and perhaps the people you thought were good (church people) wind up being the bad guys. Interesting.

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

This is not a logline but a tag of buzz words that doesn't give me very many details about what is going to happen in your story. Your sentance structure is very complicated and difficult to read, less on the many adjectives and more on the specifics of the story.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Excellent title! Great synopsis. I can see him interpreting biblical quotes and using them to justify his killing. The only word I'm not confident about is "quiet"--That's the opposite of loud. I would pick the opposite of violence such as "peace-loving" or something similiar. This would be riveting to watch.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Nothing like a bitter preacher urban action flick! "Overdose death" sounds a bit weird; maybe take another look at the wording. Instead of a comma after "redemption", use a long dash for impact.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I can't actually make sense of this one. What does "takes a brutal ministry of one of the inner city streets for redemption, and revenge" mean? It sounds like it could be a compelling story, but your reader shouldn't have to puzzle so much about your actual syntax. The title is pretty good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/2/2009 9:10 AM

I am a fan of your writing and your logline did not disappoint. I thought this was really intriguing and I'm sorry it didn't make the top 30. I hope you continue writing it though (if you haven't already).

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/4/2009 9:06 PM

I thought this was a great logline and gave it an Excellent. Sorry that you didn't make it.