Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

This one was a good read. Definitely has a nice feel to it and the dialogue was smooth and tight. Just one typo toward the end--the word existing instead of exiting. I thought the ending was a little abrupt but a nice ending instead of something dark and dreary it showed a true love which was portrayed well in the piece. Good job.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

Well written. Didn't seem like it was really in the woods, what with the interior of the car, the porch, the river... I like the story, though.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well, I really liked where this was going, but the ending got a bit confusing. It was not clear to me where the extraneous people and cars came from, why the valet packed up her stuff and moved their Navigator or even which side of the river they got out on. It was well written & I think if you had another page or two that you could have wrapped it up with a bit more clarity. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Good scene setting with the removal of all the gadgets - but this didn't seem to be "outside and in the woods" which is the challenge that was set for us this month. There was the mention of the trees at the beginning - the elms - so I hope that was enough. It seemed to me to be river, rather than 'in the woods' though.

I thought this was a good, very good story, but some of the explanations within it were quite complex and left me puzzled so I had to keep going back and re-reading them to fully understand - so more simplicity required?

The thing that confused me most was the removal of the wedding bands which I took to mean that they'd abandoned their vows and were now seperated - but maybe that was your brilliance so the ending was a surprise!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Cool story, well written, but a bit confusing. Not sure where they go from the end.

Will have to read it again, but liked it. You have talent, I give you high marks.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think you have a great idea here and I was very intrigued by the premise. However, for some reason, this story was hard to follow, I kept rereading sections to make sure I was getting it all. I think with a rewrite to help clarify what is happening this could be great.

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3)

Very good writing and very creative. It's a beautiful love story.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Very interesting premise, and I really respect the sentiment. But there doesn't seem to be any logic to the proposition that Rob and Catherine are offered. It seems to be a clear win-lose situation. If they cross the river, they lose all their material possessions, and they gain.... what? Nothing, that I can see. They still have each other, okay. But they could stay by the house, keep their possessions, and still have each other. I don't get it. Also, at the bottom of page 4 it became confusing. I had a hard time understanding the difference between RIVERBEND and RIVER, and I wasn't sure who was where. Also, the valet removing her car and possessions suggests some sort of physical, real world action to obliterate their former existence, rather than something mystical. That felt wrong.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I didn't understand this very well.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

I liked “it’s a home of substance rather than wealth.” A fine and rich description. The story has tension and a happy ending, as husband and wife make the same choice. In my book, that follows the rules of good story telling. My vote is always for happy endings. But I’m fuzzy about what the walk-above-the-mud man explained to them, so after reading a couple of times I decided to forgo comment and see what others have to say. Sometimes I’m very obtuse about the obvious. This may be one of those times.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked the premise and the characters/dialogue worked for me. I got a bit lost reading the directions about swimming the river, although I think visuals would have helped. The specific ages kind of threw me. Can the audience really tell someone is "33" or is the age just for the reader. The description of artist/iventor type did not work for me because I have a few images of each.. I think a more specific description would have been better. I liked the high stakes.

Jordan Entin (Level 3)

Aw very cute! It was a very interesting concept. Are these marriage renewals real or did you make this up? I really liked the story, it was very intriguing. I was a little confused though at parts. I didn't understand how they would lose all their belongings if they chose one side of the river. Also I was a little confused about the valet parking and resort area.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

Interesting concept that asked alot of questions from the reader. The ending was a little sudden. I think with a higher page limit you'd be able to extend it and make things a little clearer. Good job.

Kirk White (Level 5)

So he did go across? this seemed like a very good premise but I seriously got lost and confused near the end.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

I liked the script. It was very well written and I loved your imagery. I cant help but be disappointed by the ending though. I felt you were building up to something more - something spritually grounded or less tangible - and the reveal that this was all part of the retreat kinda let me down. Ill give it another read though.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

A good use of the descriptive.

I'm guessing the Man was Jesus. The lack of his footprints reminds me of the prayer "FOOTSTEPS", bascially telling of a person walking along the sand and there are two sets of footprints, then just one. At the end we find that Jesus was carrying the person through difficult times.

I also got the sense you were talking about Jesus with the concept of leaving behind all of one's possessions.

I liked the idea that they could give up everything yet still have each other.

While the overall story is a good one I nevertheless felt it ended abruptly. I didn't feel as if there was a satisfactorily conclusion. I don't know if this was because you needed more pages or not.

Marina Viscun (Level 2)

wow, I really liked this. I wish the dialog was developed a little more, but otherwise it has a very good pace.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This was well written. I liked the plot quite a bit. This felt to me like a bible story or a parable. The dialog of the man who leads them to the woods is a little awkward. I also didn't like the fact that they would still have their jobs. That would be easier to overcome, not really a rebirth. More like a set-back. Aside from that, great writing.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

What a good idea for a business. And not a bad idea for a script either. It caught my attention and kept it there. I was a bit confused by the ending but I think you might have wanted to leave it a bit ambiguous. I thought there could have been a bit more character development but I understood the characters well enough to appreciate the story.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I think that there are a lot of good things about this script. There's a real test involved and it requires Rob and Catherine to make a decision and perform an action on the basis of that decision. Moreover, they're required to act on a kind of faith that the other will choose as they did. As well, I really like the use of the river--literally as a physical divide, but also symbollically as a spiritual one. For better or for worse, when all the other people began showing up at the end it reminded me of the end of FIELD OF DREAMS when the cars are lined up to get to Ray Kinsella's farm.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'm glad they ended up together, however I didn't understand why anyone would do this. Give up everything and start over I mean. I was a little mystified by that.

The writing was beautiful and the story kept me interested. I just had that one doubt, that someone would do this.

Good Job!

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

i didn't get it. the man had no footprints, so i thought there would be something else. and the clean slate thing was strange because all they would have is a job and nothing else?

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

There's a lot happening in the back story between Catherine and Rob that you hint at but don't quite show.

If you could have shown me one incident where things could have gone wrong beyond the point of re-conciliation then this trip to renew their marriage would have more of a dramatic element.

This script is beautiful with extremely believable characters and the MAN's dialog was well written and he is the one who introduces conflict and drama into the piece.

The other sequences seem slow paced but it is because most of the conflict is internal in nature and they have to battle their inner demons and make choices to leave their possessions behind.

Ending the script with Rob saying that he waited for her seems slightly abrupt and I think there might be more to come but maybe as the MAN said,
"If you both cross over or if you both stay, you’ll be together. You may each end up on opposite sides. You’ll still be together if you accept your partner’s decision."

or the fact that Rob hung around as she watched her possessions being driven away was a poignant ending.

The (more) before the last scene threw me off a bit and I didn't know what to make of it but maybe there was some dialog and you trimmed out the script to get it down to five and missed the (more).

Also there was a scene inside the car and technically it would be indoors but I think it was an essential setting and it was outside, so I had no problems with it.

Good job.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I'm sorry... the ending left me disappointed. I expected something evil or wild to happen. It didn't satisfy me.

Some observations.

1. In the opening description, you say "a gently rippling river" then at the end of the paragraph you close with "the water is calm." Seems a bit overkill.

2. Slug line says, "EXT. POND BLUFF" Then you show us how keys are left in the ignition and then the driver gets out. How can we see that?

3. I did like the diamond anniversary band. It had strong symbolism.

4. Switch "SAME TIME" to "CONTINUOUS."

5. You introduce the innkeeper and do not capitalize the new character. Should be INNKEEPER (60).

Stan Tjaden (Level 3)

Interesting concept. Characters not well defined. Slow beginning. Some format mistakes.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought the story was well written, dialog flowed and the descriptions were well written. I just didn't understand the connection between the renewal retreat and the couple. Maybe if renewal was explained a little more I could make the connection. I understand that the couple loved each other so much they would give up their worldly posessions, I just didn't get the connection. (maybe it's just me.) Anyway, I thought it was a good script.

Tom Zambrano (Level 2)

An interesting concept. The descriptions throughout are really well written. They put a clear picture in your mind. The dialogue could be better. There are some instances when a look or some action on the part of a character would work better than a piece of dialogue. (Like when Rob says to the Man, “Like your footprints?” Instead of having the Man answer “Yes”, he could maybe just give a small nod, or not answer at all.) What your characters don’t say can often be more powerful and informative than what they do say. Another way to improve dialogue is to break it up with reaction shots and pauses for affects. (Another example from the same page would be when the Man says, “You won’t have your house”. This revelation just cries out for a reaction shot from one or both of the Tillmans... And at the bottom of the same speech, after the Man says “It’s a clean slate”, have him pause before finishing with “A rebirth.”
I got a little confused on page 4. Maybe it’s me, but when Rob tells Catherine (for the second time), “It’s everything you hoped for,” does that mean that they get to stay there? If not, then what is it that she was hoping for? I’m not really sure.
Another point of confusion I had is when Rob and Catherine, separately, stepped out of the river. I wasn’t sure which side of the river they were on. Was this intentional?... If not, you need to make it clearer. I’ve said this in my previous review, and I’m sure I’ll be including it in others, but here goes... Anything that causes the reader to stop and think, even for a moment, interrupts the flow of the story, and you don’t want to do that. Things that the writer takes for granted because he’s lived with this story for a long time, may not be so obvious to others. So make sure you fix anything that will confuse the reader. It may mean the difference between a sale or a rejection.
I’m also not sure if these other couples are going to be given the same momentous choice. But if they are, the cynic in me would probably have the whole thing turn out to be an elaborate scam where all the couples are left naked on the other side of the river while the scammers drive off with all their vehicles and possessions.
One last thing, you used the word “existing” when you meant “exiting”. Spellcheckers, unfortunately, are not infallible.
Good luck and keep writing.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

I think you have a gem of a script. You took me through a very interesting journey and left me hanging without knowing the end. This is not a five pages script, but it sure did grasp my attention. Great Job!

William Coleman (Level 5)

A lovely parable that's rooted in reality. I do find it hard they so easily accept the possibility of loss, but our accepting that may depend on how this is shot. The rebirth via bathing is an interesting symbol. I find the "Man" a little pretentious in the way he speaks. Perhaps a more realistic approach to his dialog would keep this piece more firmly grounded. Simple plot, generally clean dialog, and strong visuals.

Comments Made After the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2007 9:32 AM

I really liked this, Rick. Good job!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2007 11:00 AM

Your such a talented writer. I can always tell that you really care about your characters. I hope you choose to rewrite this, as I would love to read it.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2007 11:13 PM

Rick, thanks for the comments on my script. Like I said, I gave this one high marks, beautifully written. A bit hard to follow in places - like Chris, I'd love to read the revision.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 8/2/2007 7:06 AM

I do direct, have done about 7-9 commercials, some short narratives and about 5 documentaries.

I usually end up doing the editing and sound for most of the acquaintances coz' they feel a guy on a wheelchair won't find it easy on a production set. So, I end up directing my own stuff.

Editing and writing is something I like to experiment with and enjoy. I would say my writing does tend to read like an editor's script, with transitions, sound cues and dialog leading into scenes.

I would not have to bore you with this info. and should have had a bio here but I have to update my website and hopefully people will know what I do...

Thanks for re-reading my script and for your thoughtful comments.

Love your writing, both, Moviepoet and otherwise.