Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced well with only one typo that I noticed. The story takes a nice swerve about 3/4s of the way through when we find out he's taken her captive for her own betterment as opposed to inflicting punishment on her. Overall, I thought this was pretty good. Good characterization, solid plot, believable dialogue, good curveball towards the end of the script. Not much to complain about on this one. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was very good - BUT - another one where I am certain Mandy would have spoken in the course of it, so for that reason it lacked credibility. Well done, though, for creating a vibrant drug-fuelled scene, and a character with whom I could empathise (not that I've ever indulged in drugs, not even tobacco!... but his actions made sense and I thought he was warped but courageous, so appealing in that way)

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- Double space before scene headings, makes them easier to read.
Ah, a piece of redemption. What an ultimate sacrifice. Loved it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Perfect title.

I was so happy it wasn't more horror/porn. The twist was brilliant. Your craft is great.

My only suggestion, I wouldn't have Mandy's sister be the one who introduces her to that drug/party life. I think it is unnecessary and only complicates the beauty of the ending. I hope that makes sense.

Overall, this is dark and twisted and beautiful all at the same time. I loved it.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Interesting title.

Jason takes Mandy to a derelict house to scare her into giving up the K drug by making her watch it kill him .

Script was well written. The action and dialogue was well written which gave the script pace. The characters were good but I felt Jason was pretty cruel to Mandy at the start for someone he loved. It was a good twist though to let him kill himself although felt there should be a bigger reason. If it was guilt for introducing her to the drug this was not clear in the script. It felt like Zoe was more responsible.

You created the intense atmosphere well and the switch to earlier events worked too. Well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

there were some things to like here, but there was too much space given to the details of the drug overdose that just didn't add to the story...sort of a mini english patient...halfway through it i was just rooting for him to "die already" ...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

Difficult subject matter handled masterfully. The pacing was just right, as the viewer is initially tricked into loathing Jason. What I particularly liked was the steady building of tension towards the end, from the commencing of music by Jason, to his collapse and demise. Really good work!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This was a very powerful story and you are very brave to write it.

It is very important to proofread. Page one: "and pops the trunnk." Should be TRUNK.

The way it's written, I didn't see the picture: "Slats of sun highlight dust motes floating over a bed with chains in a corner next to a commode." Is the bed chained or the commode? Perhaps they're chained to each other but I could not tell the way it is written.

Page 3: "INT. COSY BEDROOM - NIGHT" Cosy is spelled COZY.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Strong story with good setup. Dialog a bit on the nose - could use more subtext. I was surprised at the end when he takes his own life. I had expected him to take hers because of his saying "welcome to the rest of yours" (p.1). My main problem was with the flashbacks. It would be helpful if you'd indicate when you're flashing back and when you're back to scene. Otherwise, nice work.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

If that isn't the one of the most unexpected endings, I don't know what is.
Really creative and well thought out.
Very good.
Pg 1 trunk not trunnk.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It was like the evil love child of 8mm and Black Snake Moan. I enjoyed the script for the most part although I thought it had it's fair share of problems. I thought the beginning was a little jumbled and not real easy to follow. As the narrative went on I thought it kept steadily improving. I never quite bought their relationship and I wish there was something that tied him to this girl more firmly.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I liked the dramatic turn here, from kidnapping to a suicide note. It just felt too explainy, not credible enough. I think this story would be stronger just showing the downward progression directly and not retelling it through flashback, but the monologue theme works against you here.

I assumed she was gagged, but it didn't say one way or another. I didn't see the ending coming but Mandy's downward spiral was predictable, you could have done more to make it her personal, unique journey into ruin instead of one which felt somewhat stock.

However, the writing was good and paced well, and the dialogue felt natural. Good job.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Golly this is an imaginative sordid monologue for sure. I mean how low can humans get? This pair seems to have hit rock bottom and you have expressed this grungy tale grimly. Mandy ‘fizzes with rage’ and Jason ‘sparks it up’ are so damn graphic I can see those actions in my minds eye.

Visualizing a landscape made up of nothing but ‘crows and tumbleweeds.’ is a heck of a challenge for me.

I don’t understand why a drugged up Jason is committing suicide for this drugged up pathetic woman. I can’t detect any motivation that makes sense. He dies she is still totally hooked from what you have shown me.

A darkly murky depraved story consistently. Why would an audience want to pay to see your film? They can see a thousand versions of this sordid story daily on newscasts, television dramas and films. What is different about yours, that’s what I was hoping to discover.

The title is a gross trade off for sure. I may return.

I did and reread but my first impression stands.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I’m not sure I liked the twist ending. Why would Jason sacrifice his life to save Mandy, it seems a little extreme. Isn’t there better ways to scare her straight?

If you’re going to do an ending like that then you need to address all the possible alternative ways Jason could haves saved Mandy , then eliminate them (e.g. why not try rehab? Or locking Mandy in a room to go cold turkey? Or Jason faking his own death?). Once Jason’s tried every other possibility, then he may consider the extreme.

Of cause you could counter all my argument by saying that drugs cause you not to think straight but even so I didn’t really like the twist. Prior to that I did enjoy your story, there’s some nice lines of dialogue in there.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Jason's continual reiteration of the word 'baby' and lines like 'as pure as uncut cocaine' and 'I love you' left this piece feeling stilted. I take it that you are male. The approach to these scenes were so heavy handed and unemotional that if I were to find out you were a woman I would snort a coke covered hat. In saying that, the direction you took was unexpected, an achievement you were all too aware of. Sometimes with a good idea you do some air punches in self-adulation and then really bury it. In this instance Jason was too aware of his actions as a twist. A fair piece but really try and keep your language believable, cool is not what a character says but how its perceived within context.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Very impacting way to make someone quit. I'm sure Mandy's never gonna want to do that shit after this episode. And she'll have a video of it all to remind her on nights when temptation comes knocking. Then again, she may just get depressed and fall into a deeper hole that will lead her to the hell he's headed to.

This script is Very Good! Your writing is tight and crisp and created vivid images of the chaotic scenes without all the unecessary wording. The only thing that keeps me from giving this an Excellent is that the ending was weak in comparison to the powerful message being sent. The script started with a dismal fate for the girl, story was presented and then the twist (which was awesome) about him doing all this to save her brought it all to a Zenith, but then it fizzled out with no resolution of any kind. I like that we're left to wonder about what will happen next, but this scenario deserved a resolution of some sort...or at least an inclination as to what will happen after he Overdoses himself. Great Writing all the same!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

MY GOD, IF I READ ONE MORE SCRIPT ENDING IN I LOVE YOU, ARGGGGH. Can you not find another way to say it. That pissed me off. The shots did too, I don't think this happens at all coke your self to death. This story is far fetched and doesn't really make any sense. it seemed like another rape script but it was a surprise at the very end. Cut out the I love you's. You could have used it earlier and made it seem like he was beating her. Man, the dialogue was easy to read but your descriptions did not flow and the SHOTS GET RID OF THE SHOTS... WE ARE NOT ALL DIRECTORS/WRITERS like you are but it is irritating there were a couple of spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes. I don't judge that though.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good job at deception -- story evolved into different plot than expected. Obviously the point. Good character definition of Mandy, one messed up chick.
Not sure partying nonstop for a "week" and introducing her (not made definitive) to "K" credible enough for Jason's sacrificial ending. "Zoe" took her sister to the drug party, where she met Jason.
Drug terminology confusing; assume "K" is cocaine, but no idea if "Ket-A-Min" is same. Will Google, but not conducive to smooth read.
May be a good film in here; the "surprise" direction it heads is a start.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Riddled with spelling and punctuation errors. I won't weary you by listing them, but I will encourage you to find a brutally honest friend who's willing to proofread your scripts prior to submission.

At first, I thought that there was surprisingly little originality here. The drug scenes were practically directly out of "Requiem for a Dream" and the tied-up scenes were out of any average TV crime show. The non-stop drug use really wearied me: I couldn't wait for the darn script to be over.

Then...

Wow. The ending is actually fantastic. The twist: he's tied her up to force her watch him kill himself so that she'll go straight because that's what he really cares about. Golly. How'd you come up with that? "Scared Straight", eh? Phew.

So the entire script changes from some ridiculous voyeuristic experience into a cautionary tale. Ahhhh. I got it. So it really is more similar to "Requiem for a Dream" than I had even guessed at first. You did a great job at what you attempted (even though I didn't particularly enjoy it). Very Good.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Title works, but there are too many holes in the dialogue. How is the sister going to get the tape if he dies right there and Mandy is chained up? Mandy will be dead by the time they find her in this remote desolate house. The reality of a total junkie helping another junkie to be clean does not seem plausible as misery loves company, unless you explain why. Having a one sided conversation at the first party comes across as unrealistic, unless you have no one talking and it plays out as just being a memory in motion. The format is good, the monologue idea creative, the story just didn't flow well. Also watch your grammar and spelling you had a few errors throughout the script. What is Black Hell? Black hole maybe or fiery Hell? But Black Hell?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"You can run honey but you sure as hell can't hide."
Complete cliché.

It wasn't really realistic that he would relate the entire history of their relationship to her, but I'll grant you the artistic license.

Wow. I really didn't see the end coming. It didn't make much sense to me, but I guess it would to a drug-addled brain.

Overall it was good.

Melissa Goetz (Level 2)

I'm not sure what "bulky muscles running to flab" means. Try not to use "ing". How do you "slam" out of a car. Typo with the word "trunk". Should be "...can run, honey,...." Should be "Jesus, Mandy." Should be "...here, baby...." Missing more commas throughout.

I liked it a lot and I liked the ending, but I found the grammar and typos distracting. I believe "FADE OUT" should end with a period or nothing, but not a colon.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I know you were kind of going for a moralistic sort of message but I think you took the symptoms a bit too over the top with the wild orgiastic party and her dancing around with snot under her nose. It was things like that which ruined the believability for me. Also, this conceit of having another person around that doesn't say anything does not work for me. In the case of this script I found it very unlikely. Nice try though.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I liked the gritty feel of this short. I was also a big fan of the twist. Initially, I was fearful of another unimaginative torture/horror script but introducing Jason's unexpected motivation made for a much better story. (Although, I kind of question whether being scared straight outweighs the emotional scars that this incident might ultimately inflict. Makes for an interesting discussion.)

There were a few things that might need some attention. I found some of Jason's dialogue and dialect to be inconsistent. At times he sounded very 'country', while other times he spoke more refined.
I also think his character might have benefitted from being more solemn, purposeful and matter-of-fact. Obviously, he is not stable himself but I think he would be even more creepy as a man so focused on this radical theraputic mission that he has tuned out the emotion of his actions (kind of like Kevin Spacey in 'Seven').
Finally, I was a little thrown of by the final scene. I assume it was a flashback but it didn't indicate this and didn't mesh with the scene before it.

Overall, a solid and effective script. The twist alone made it a good script but I felt a few little things prevented it from being excellent.

Miriam Goldman (Level 3)

I'm usually not so impressed with the virtuous stoner stereotype which has inexplicably evolved in movies in the last five years or so. I know lots of guys like Jason, and trust me, their idea of an honorable act would be to let the girlfriend get drugs from someone other than the boyfriend himself! This screenplay came off as both pretentious and contrived and, especially towards the middle in the party scene, there were lots of places of phrases of text which either didn't make sense or were so confusingly written as to take me out of the action to try to figure out what exactly was going on. On the other hand, Mandy is a well fashioned character.
1/5

Paul Williams (Level 5)

That's a very unique way to kick drugs...

I had a hard time relating to both Mandy, but especially Jason, which in turn, makes it hard to to care for or root for them.

Some of Jason's dialogue felt a little expostion-heavy. He's basically telling Mandy information she knows already.

I'm glad your story took the turn it did. I thought Jason kidnapped Mandy to torture, rape and kill her, but thankfully that wasn't the case. But, how does Mandy free herself if Jason dies?

Your screenwriting is good. Format appears in order.

You have a few typos throughout.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The ending sequence of this is really dramatic. I think that earlier on the story has a slight problem with exposition. It is also a story that treads water a little through its middle section which is a hazard of flashbacks and of a story that holds back its purpose until near the end.

"You remember how we met baby?" - This line isn't that bad but it is the kind of thing that sets off exposition alarm bells.

"INT. PLUSH APARTMENT - NIGHT" - This should probably be labeled as FLASHBACK.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Very well done- The visuals were clear and your writing style is excellent. This story moved along quickly. I think you pulled off the "twist" ending very well. I didn't see it coming really.

The dialog was engaging and unique. You were able to pull off the drugs/sex/profanity in a way that contributed to the story and wasn't just there for shock value.

I was going to nitpick one thing. I thought you cheated when Jason says on the first page "...nice to see you so full of life. Welcome to the rest of yours." ---that was genius line- It sounds so much like he's going to kill her. I was going to say there's no way he'd say that, then I read it again and I said to myself "awesome". A new beginning for Mandy.

Well done- I giving this an excellent.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow I thought you wrote a very interesting and unique script. It was intense from the get go. I was on the edge of my seat at first, as to what was going on. While I like this and feel it's well written, the idea of him killing himself for Mandy, just doesn't make sense to me. If he wanted to help her, I can see him keeping her there for rehab, but to die in front of her, seems really cruel and senseless. Why not live for her, instead of die for her? And also, what really makes him think that his sacrifice would really make her stop using?

Having said this, it's a really strong script and I bet you do well with it.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Not bad at all. I liked the twist and how we went from imagining him being some sort of serial killer, smoking a J, to him being her saviour. Nicely done.

Now, the monoloque could use a little more to it. It's basically a retelling of how they met rather than an elaborate foray into his emotions (we get that at the end, although just a bit of it). I tend to think monologues as longer and full of more life rather than just a telling of something past. Perhaps if he'd have told what happened in the past,and then elaborated on his feelings... then we'd have a true monologue.

Good job overall.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Very compelling opening - grabbed me immediately. Fine treatment of the monologue theme. I enjoyed this weird and warped love story, liked how it turned into something unexpected. The only thing I didn't get is Jason's motive to want to commit suicide. I didn't get either a sense of responsibility/regret for Mandy's corruption or enough reason for him to want to die. And how exactly does his death inspire Mandy to quit drugs - he could have been more over the edge/convincing.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Not my type of story, especially through the first few pages. I did love the ending however... though I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if it took a bit of time for the letter to arrive?

While I understood, the time sequence, I think it's better to use FLASHBACK - one or two times it's not quite as clear.

Very well-done.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was good. Way to reverse our expectations. I really thought it was going to be something else for the first few pages. I don't have much to say except I'm not sure I agree with some of the usage choices, like "fizzes" or "canons." Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2009 12:21 AM

This was definitely one of my favorites this month. I'm sorry it didn't place, but I thought it was wonderful.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2009 12:26 AM

I really loved this one too. I was sure it would do better.

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2009 9:31 AM

MJ I really liked this one. Good job.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 12:22 PM

There you go again, Melissa. Writing a story that sticks in my head for weeks even though it's not my cup of tea. Boy, oh, boy, you certainly have talent.

Can't wait to read what you put together for the Brothers Grimm. Good luck!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2009 6:07 AM

Thank you so much, you comments mean an awful lot, I really appreciate them. thank you.