Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Disser (Level 1)

The story seems a little too familiar to me. Ancient artifacts with mythical aspects are part of too many plot lines in my opinion. Make me interested. Also, some of the descriptions were hard to understand. I would say, maybe consider a revision. Some the character names are a little hokey in my opinion like they were made up.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

You have a rich story started here. I like the attention to detail and thought the beginning 4 pages worked well. The VO of Chloe works mostly there are some spots where it just seems she is stating what is already being shown.

I think you might want to work on the twins some more and introduce them earlier. It appears they are the typical opposite of each other which is a stereotypical trait for twins in movies. I would try to find ways to make them more unique then how they dress.

Right now, the story seems to be going well. Good use of visuals with a minimal amount of dialogue which keeps the story flowing and allowed for you to get everyone up to speed before the real meat of the story starts.

I can't really think of any other issues right now. I will probabaly go over it again later to see if anything sticks out. Good job.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

What an undertaking! Nice start. I have to say for me the strength of your story and writing is when Chloe and Zoe show up. I love the way they talk to each other and I love that they are twins. I almost feel like it would be more interesting to start with them and let the mythology of your story be "discovered." I like the mosaic idea but I am a little confused to the workings of the magic holding everyone in. They are all captured in it by the elf and then over time it breaks apart but the breaking apart is what also frees certain creatures so it seems to be in contradiction. It seems to me like this could be made more clear. Like maybe they were captured and then the mosaic was broken to keep them there and then over time people found pieces and put it back together thus freeing certain creatures/characters? I was also curious of who was watching over the pieces and passing on the mythology. Like a society of watchers that through the ages were protecting the mosaic. Maybe they were lost or defeated at some point ages after the event but something to signal that the story is passed down from generation to generation. Someone has passed on the legend because Severin seems to know something. I love the fantasy of this and I do believe that not EVERY detail must be ironed out but with so many mythical stories out there like Harry Potter/Golden Compass…just to name some contemps…I think that your version of fantasy has to be very well thought out and excellently presented with sophisticated clarity. Right now it sounds a little childish. Even if the prime audience is children your prime reader of your screenplay isn't. And I certainly do not mean this as a slam on your story…I just think you need a little more specificity and sophistication within the telling and "showing" of the back story. And reach for as much originality as you can…everything HAS to be seen for the first time…even if they are classic archetypes. Good job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Great imagination at work here. Well written and paced, creative story. No typos or grammar errors that I noticed. The first few pages are VERY strong, the second half gets a little hard to follow with the girls in the museum. Are they Girls Scouts? Do they live in the musuem? What are they doing cleaning the place? It got a little confusing as to why they were there doing what they were doing. Overall, I thought the dialogue and characters were pretty good and the story is extremely original. My only recommendation would be to work on clarifying the part I mentioned.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

The new logline is probably an improvement, because despite changing the intriguing last sentence, it makes things clearer and more specific.

This has a great opening sequence (although having the tower contain "a cluttered art studio" slightly takes the reader out of the story). The writer wisely chooses to start with the epic fantasy elements of the story, setting up a lot of potential for the rest of the script. The later sequences in the real world which don't involve magic are less compelling, although they still do a decent job of setting up the story.

The writer uses a simple, matter-of-fact writing style, although some of the story, such as the action sequences, could perhaps have used more detail.

Is Sintra Tozier Chloe and Zoe's grandmother, or what?

On page 2, "the world of man and magic" should be "the worlds of man and magic".

On page 4, "with precision he picks the lock" should be "picks the lock with precision".

On page 6, "GAWKERS, peek from windows and doorways at the racket" should be "GAWKERS peek from windows and doorways at the racket".

On page 8, "The rustling of a bird's wings catches the girl's attention" should be "The rustling of a bird's wings catches the girls' attention".

On page 8, "Zoe, bounds down the west wing" should be "Zoe bounds down the west wing".

This is a promising start to the script. Hopefully the rest of the script will have a lot of the epic fantasy introduced at the beginning, as well as many big action set-pieces.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I like the new logline much better than the old.

I rather felt the opening Chloe VO was very plodding as a way of introducing the storyline. I loved the idea of the world of magic being contained in the mosaic - I'm sure there must be a way of showing all this rather than telling us? I felt as though I wanted to get a crank handle and speed it up!

Do you TRULY think that all this detail, from the dawn of time onwards, is necessary to the plot? To me, it overcomplicates something tha could be quite simple. A generic Good v Evil thing would surely be enough?

In addition, there are SO MANY characters and creatures introduced...hard to keep hold of them all in my head and to work out those pulled in by the mosaic and those not.

I like the simple things in this - for instance, the device of the sparrow. Perfect!

"The humans drop their weapons and wander away, confused about how they got on the hill" - how do we know this is what they're thinking except that you have just told us?

Golly, now we're in the time of the pharoahs! And now in Berlin...so WHO is Severin,(aside from being very Harry Potter) WHO is Bacu?

I wonder if it would have been better to approach this in a less linear way, starting in the present to give the whole thing some...basis...then revealing the past once that was established?

And now we're in Kansas! I'm actually going to have a break from this and come back to it - my head is reeling from all the different characters, creatures and scenarios...

I've read it through another two times after a gap...

I think my initial thoughts still apply. I can see that visually with all the special effects this would or could be stunning and that a great deal of thought and imagination has gone into it, but it is very difficult to READ!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Very nice work here.

I really like how you move effortlessly through time and space. The opening scene is intriguing and well written. I really got pulled into the movie right away. I think it may have moved a bit too fast, with the creation of the mosiac and getting everyone sucked in, seems like there should have been more explanation rather than this one queen deciding to do it. Was she so much more powerful than Lillith?

The Berlin scene was cool and I like how it dissolves right into the museum run by our main characters. I thought the bit about Zoe looking for the secret passages was too expository and really gave away the fact that they were bound to find one. Don't think you need that at all, would be much better to just have them find the secret passage and be surprised.

Two other things are bothering me at this point and they may be taken care of later in the story but here they are: 1. How is anyone going to find all of the pieces of the mosiac when they are being turned into sparrows and black knights, etc. I'm guessing they change back, am interested to find out (which is a good thing); 2. Where are Chloe and Zoe's guardians? Do they run the museum themselves? Just seems very odd that we have seen them running this place without any adult supervision.

Really think you have a good thing going here. Am excited to read the rest.

Great job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Regarding the logline, the new one has some pluses and minuses. I like that you mention the witch, but I miss you mentioning the destruction of the world. I don't think you need to try and do it all in one sentence. If you take a little more time with it, I believe this could be very compelling.

Not a big deal, but I hate the name "Lilith" for the Queen. It doesn't feel very mystical or magical, whereas "Lemu" sounds perfect.

I think the opening flashbacks and narration are very well written. My only concern is that the idea of a magic world and the human world being separated feels like it's been done many times before.

I really liked the characters of Chloe and Zoe. They have a great spirit about them and I could totally picture watching this movie with my daughter (she is 11).

Your craft is great, especially your visuals. I wish more of the story felt fresher, but still I am intrigued and I would definitely read on.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Interesting story, but wow... a tough read at best.

A TON of description. Although it may be necessary, it was just too much for me. I found myself wandering off around page four. Albiet, I did get back into the story on page seven with the confrontation between the police officers and Lilith and the Raven. But right after that, back to the pages worth of description.

Aside from that, I think your writing is good, just heavy at times.

David Birch (Level 5)

some kinks need to be worked out...for instance, pg. 5 you say "set off an alarm"...then on the next line "SIRENS ROAR"...this sort of thing reads redundant...also, too much subtext delivered in your description..."a tall no-nonsense figure"...how do we know he is a no-nonsense figure??? screenplay should only tell us what we see/hear...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

I would certainly want to see the rest of this movie after this opening. The sibilngs Chole and Zoe are sufficiantly well rounded for me to make a connection with, whilst your opening descriptions were easy to read, and would look beautiful on screen. The addition of the sparrow really worked in your stories favour in that it furthered the narrative, and fit in well with your mystical asthetics.

Dominic Hicks (Level 2)

I'm sure your story will please fantasy fans, but it left me completely cold. You have some very strong visual ideas but none of your characters engaged me and your storytelling technique is a little heavy on exposition to keep me interested. I also couldn't help but feel that some elements felt too familiar - I'm not a reader of fantasy, but many of the ideas still felt like well-trod territory. Some of the language you used didn't quite make sense to me - terms like 'guardians of good and evil'... how can you be a guardian of evil? Wouldn't the word 'practitioner' be more apt? Nonetheless, it looks like you have a strong hold on what you want to achieve and the story you want to tell, and I'm sure it would find an audience.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I didn't get to your logline for the logline contest, I do think that your new logline is better than the old one.

As for your first ten pages I heard a lot of explaining in the intro about this fantasy world and guess that the inciting incident is the breaking of the mosaic and the witch escaping? I don't see what the story is about from the first ten pages, I don't know what the goal is or who the main character is.

Don't let this bother you. I'm not a fan of the fantasy, but if I were, the uniqueness of intersecting the two worlds certainly makes me interested enough to stick around.. fascinating. The potential is there for a franchise.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

A very nice first ten pages. Here are the thoughts I jotted down as I was reading:

*
Love this lead in…a true fairy tale.
*
I can’t imagine what it would look like to have ISLANDS pulled in and a CASTLE…but it doesn’t bother me. It’s a great cue that this movie is meant to be a visual FEAST.
*
“... The heart that controls the last hand to complete the mosaic will determine…” This, I’m guessing, is a VERY important plot point. And this sentence is a doozy. I get your meaning here, but I had to read through it several times before it was clear in my head. Spend a little time on it because (and again, I’m guessing here) it’s just too important to be anything but crystal clear.
*
The chase of the sparrow through the museum in Kansas may go on a bit too long. I feel myself losing interest…wanting things to move forward.
*
Nice “cliffhanger” at the end…always a nice touch if someone only asks for 10 pages.


I really really like what you have going on here. It’s very Clive Barker…very Weaveworld (yes I left almost this exact comment on your logline but it bears repeating: if you haven’t read this book yet, it’s really important that you do, if for no other reason than to avoid accidentally putting yourself in a position where you’re accused of plagiarizing. The premise is simply too close to what you’re writing here to not be aware of it...and be able to address the comparison when people like me bring it up!).

All that said, you’ve set up something that is VERY intriguing. I enjoy your writing style immensely, and…while yours is only the second one I’ve read…I feel safe saying that I can't wait to see the rest.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This is a well-written script with many excellent visuals. I am sure it will be successful.

The first four pages have "voice overs" only. Perhaps some other dialogue should be considered.

On page seven, the twins are introduced. The writer describes Zoe's tee-shirt but says nothing about what Cloe is wearing. Are they wearing the type of clothes? Does it matter?

Page 7: "Would you quit that, before you break something." Question mark is missing.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Hard to tell yet how promising this concept will be, though it does seem to be a creative, unique one. I found the beginning a bit dull, probably because of the extended voiceover, with very little other dialogue, and the long pages of description. The story started to come alive with the twins. Not sure what the purpose of the girl scouts was. So I'd say this one has promise, but as of this point I can't tell if the execution will fulfill it.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I'm happy you changed the logline. The new one is better. I didn't like the idea of the girls starting war.

Before meeting Zoe and Chloe, I wasn't very interested in the story.
It got better after they arrived though. Before them it seemed like a fairy tale that wasn't holding my attention. Then it switched over to a script with characters I could relate more to.

Jess Flower (Level 3)

Your set pieces in the beginning are very cool. This definitely is a vision for a pretty big budget! I know we didn't get much of an opportunity to meet more of your characters, but the girls are the most intriguing. I thought you did well with showing a little of their character early. This is small -- but instead of Zoe sticking out her tongue (which is bratty and makes a parent immediately not like her) try having her respond in a clever way to her sister -- still mocking; but allowing us to like her spunk. The fantasy stuff can be difficult. Right now, all of those period characters are easy to predict. We almost know what they're going to do. Somehow surprise us with something with the witch, etc...

Jim Brown (Level 3)

The new logline is better than the old one: good job there.

You're very inventive in the world you've created. I like the description.

Two things stuck out to me:

You have a lot of things happening, but not a lot of interaction between characters.
By page ten, I'd like to have more of a sense of what these characters are like, particularly Chloe. I know she's mature, patient, and curious, and that's good. What special quality does she possess that qualifies her to battle the evil queen? What inner struggle might she have to overcome? I don't know anything about her family, or why this adventure threatens to tear her family apart. After ten pages, I'd like to have at least a hint of that.

I imagined Chloe's voice at the beginning to be the voice of a woman, but then we learn she's only 14. I think you should specify upfront that the narration is in the voice of a teenaged girl. Maybe take advantage of the narration to have some of Chloe's personality come through.

John Brooke (Level 5)

An interesting start to your archaic tale is soon followed by a kaleidoscope of scenes and events good and evil, ying and yang, black and white, darkness and light. Etc.

All the wonderful frightening clichéd symbols and personas of evil darkness and virgin light weave in and out of your well told verbal mosaic.

Well, hell this is a jolly good mystical pre-teen age adventure story. We meet Zoe and Chloe who are twin daughters belonging to someone human. The seem to have the run of the old mansion and although we have been properly introduced to Sinta Tozier we have no idea of her importance in your script.

Really all I can say is that this is a serious action film posing as a rollicking tongue-in-cheek youthful cool story.

It was enjoyable to experience – no glaring fauxpas that I could detect.

I thought it a damn, good tale.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This is good but only that good. You seem to follow or try to follow the rules of screenwritng to the tee. I see what you are trying portray but your descriptions are pretty bland and don't strike me or make me feel as if I am there and it all started with the black knight covered in black armor I got kind of cross when I saw that.

Another point is stop calling it the mosaic ( I don't know if you wrote it in caps) I have no freaking idea what a mosaic is unless unless I'm a medival fan. I personally don't care for the stuff but you clearly thought it was a good idea to split up the description/action lines which is cute but the way you did it was quite useless to the pacing. This doesn't roll off the tongue as a script to me. Its big clunky and pretty lame to get through.

You don't have to tell us everything, so unnecessary, I really didn't like this because you spent too much time on the backstory and still it was kind generic. When you open up try to impress with your words not only what's happening. Example.
Unicors, faires, humongous orces, and every creature of legend one can think of seems to be in a battle of epic proportions against ???? their foes.
Cmon give me something spectacular and grandiose instead of the black knight all covered in black black (you see how that sounds) read your script and then ask yourself am I impressed with my prose. Am I unpredictable? does this sound like a script a pro would write?
It's like this is totally void of any dialogue and I'm afraid that the little that you do use is quite irrelevant because it seems more like a nice short story than an actual script. Remember give your characters a voice but also give us some great visuals even if its more than a line.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

First - I liked the old logline better. At the same time I'm no logline expert, it's just the other one conveys the message better. IMO, of course.

This was a fun read! No less than excellent ten!

At first reminded me of Andersen's Snow Queen. But yours is different, of course.

Extremely well written too. I usually look at the story and yours is as multidimensional as can be. It's so nice to read something so visual, so interesting and so well written at the same time. Loved every page of it.
I hope this one is at the top. Kind of sure it will be.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting story. Like the structure from the mystical world into present day.
So much going on, with different locations, ions, and characters. Not possible to keep track of it all, without a second and third reading. Did notice the limited dialogue early on, which forces the focus to be on all the visual elements.
Present day seemed more fluid -- follow Chloe and Zoe -- but kept thinking that those names rhyme, and one girl may be mistaken for the another when said aloud. Did note some distinction with the two girls; as long as personalities remain different, maybe the similar names will work out ok.
The recurring sparrow is a nice touch; intriguing, but not quite sure what it signifies.
There is a story in here. Perhaps editing/condensing the first part, all the backstory prior to Mr. Severin and the Girl Scouts, will help sharpen the focus.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

At the actual dawn of time, there weren't MEN, WOMEN, and CHILDREN. There either weren't any people, or there were only two (Adam and Eve).

This opening is similar to "The Lord of the Rings": an ancient battle between men and other creatures for control, even to the "crowns" placed on the human heads. The mosaic performs the same function, in a way, as the Ring, too: power in a strange land.

Oh, my gosh. After writing that last paragraph, I read this dialogue. "Eons passed, and the mosaic was lost." If that's not way too similar to LOTR, I don't know what is. You really need to distance yourself from other stories in the same genre if you hope to have any shot at all at gaining momentum behind your script. I don't think it's effective to use this VO opening over past events. LOTR already did it, and, no offense intended, they did it so well and with such magnificent style that there's hardly any way for you to surpass them. Try a different angle into your story.

I'm having a lot of trouble "getting into" your story, because of the strong similarities to other films of the genre. Even Chloe and Zoe, being thrust directly into the action as they are, haven't developed any kind of deep, original personalities that I can sympathize with or root for. It's that you've spent so much (and not enough) time trying to develop an alternate mythology that your main characters get a little lost.

Consider starting the movie with the girls. Plenty of time later to explain the mosaic. Make us care for your heroines first.

Rating: Good

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like your first Logline better. :) That said...

My first impression of your script is that it's written more like a piece of literature... You're talking to a reader, not describing what you want an audience to see and hear.

The VO is okay, but the visuals are fairly vague. In the opening...

How many men and women are there? Even a rough idea would help me see this more clearly.

What does "frolick" mean to you? To me it's like young horses playing in a field... Leaping and kicking and running and just having a good time. It may mean something else to others.

In scenes two and three...

What do "devious" eyes look like?

Are the man and woman Lilith crowns from the previous group of men and women?

What does a "magical being" look like? And "magical denizens?.."

With so many vague descriptions, I'm left wondering why you were so specific with Lilith's age.

I really like the element of the sparrow. I like the headlights sweeping across the mosaic, too. These are some great visuals.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I'm not normally one for fantasy, but I liked these pages, probably because the setup naturally made for a screenplay more grounded in reality than most other fantasy stories.

The concept is great, and you really start to commit to exploring it thoroughly and hopefully will eventually deliver on the promise of so many magical creatures fighting this war for its control. Don't deviate from this idea - it's really good.

The opening narration has been done so many times before but it is the only thing that will work here. At least it's an original story being told. However, the scene in Berlin didn't feel like a continuation of the story.

After the last piece of voice-over you can transition on the sparrow to the twins. This would suggest to the audience that the movie is going to be about testing the hearts of these two girls and that the story really lies with them.

As it is, I only find out who the main characters are on page seven, and even then I am misdirected by all the girl scouts. To me, the scene with Mr. Severin and Queen Lilith in Berlin wasn't half as interesting - we've seen lock-pickers and evil witch Queens plenty before - as Zoe and Chloe. If they had more time in the first ten pages it would help the audience to sympathize with them more.

Overall it struck a very precise tonal balance perfect for children's fantasy, and did a good job setting up the characters and the plot.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

I really liked the story a lot. Not that original but the script is excuted pretty dog on well. I liked how this writer was economic with this one.

There is also a good sense of the genre. The writer nails it on the head.Those fantasy flicks always open with a voice over.

Nothing needs to be changed in my book.Very entertaining. Keep up the good work.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Interesting premise and good so far.

I really loved the set up and delivery on Chloe finding a secret passage. I have two quibbles, though. The first is that Zoe sticks her tongue out at Chloe. That sort of behavior is much younger than 14. (The "I'm bored" t-shirt is much more appropriate and nicely done.) Frankly, I think a 14-year-old girl would be more likely to flip her a bird after checking that no adults were present. The second quibble is that if it took Zoe's boost for Chloe to reach the grate in the first place, "Zoe jumps into the passage" is simply inadequate. It takes the two of them working together (either well or not so well, depending on your characterization and character arcs) and some doing before they get up there or the passage has to be better described so we understand how it took a boost to reach the grate but the passage is lower.

I'd like to see you find a way to get rid of Chloe's narration in the beginning. First of all, Chloe presumably knows this information because she discovered it along the way of the story she's about to tell us. It kills any tension your audience might have experienced about whether she makes it through the climax of the story. It also deprives your audience of the joy of discovering the information along with the twins. I'd rather see this information distributed throughout the story.

I suggest you start with the apartment. I was a bit confused to read that it contained display cases. Although my dictionary supports your use of the word "tenement," I think many Americans consider tenements to be subsidized housing for poor people, which of course, would not be located in a well-to-do section of a city.

I needed an "of the museum" at the end of the sentence when Sintra comes out because at first I was thinking she was the girl scout leader stepping off the bus. I was also confused because I thought the girls got off the bus. After rereading a few times, I realize that they were probably already there, so I suggest you modify your descriptions to make that clear.

The basement discussion at the end of your pages is too obviously for the benefit of the audience. Both girls already know this information and wouldn't bother discussing it. What might work better is if their discussion focuses on whether they've gone far enough down to be in a basement if they had one, but I don't think it's likely that a building in Kansas wouldn't have a basement--torandoes, my pretty.

Thanks for sharing, and I'm looking forward to reading your next set of pages.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

The logline is confusing, but so far I like the first ten pages. I think my daughter would like it even more, and that's not a shot, she has very good taste.

I really do not have any gripes with this other than there just seem to be way too many fairie-land-mythical fantasy books and films as of late. I'm sick of elves. Could LEMU be something other than an elf? Invent a whole new race of beings. And why are the elves always good? What's LILITH --a human? Why are the humans always bad?

At any rate, I like your style and the visual discriptions are very vivid. I had no problem 'seeing this'. Nice work.

Best of luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I just lost a long and detailed review which probably would have bored you silly so maybe it's just as well. I will try and precis my comments.

Overall: - I found the beginning very difficult to get emersed in and I love fantasy and magical settings. I found the VO was saying almost exactly what we were seeing on the screen and that 3 pages was too long an intro especially with some rather vague descriptions. i.e : 'she casts spells' how? With fire? A wand? Words? What kind of spells? Show her being evil, describe it.

I feel your opening would have grabbed me more with a brief visual of the magic land, Lemu casting her spell and Lilith and magical creatures being sucked in; a brief visit to the temple with the mosaic breaking and then straight into the scene with Severin with the VO continuing over this so that the aural information would be different to the visual action.

Characters: - Lilith - a strong name and description brought her to life vividly. I would have liked to see her doing something nasty in the magic land (rather than just whispering and casting vague spells) to foreshadow her actions with the crow in modern times.

Lemu - did not come to life at all, the description way too vague - ' a brightly coloured elf' - what colour? serene? alone? all powerful? I just got a picture of smurfette in my head and as she is the catalyst to your story I feel she should have a much stronger intro.

Severin - name very like Severus Snape which with the dark suit gives a very strong indication of this character and I am curious to know more about him.

Sintra - excellent description, she came immediately to life for me.

The twins - the names are very similar which could get confusing. You introduce both of them well but I feel that the neat, sensible versus messy, wild is a little cliched. I would have liked some more sisterly banter between them showing some similarities/joint interest to give us more of their relationship. I realise that will probably come more in the next 10 pages but you need to get us really hooked into your protagonists quickly.

Dialogue: good but very on the nose between the twins, show that they intuit each other's thoughts - i.e the secret panel lines, very on the nose.

Story: I'm very intrigued by your story and am keen to learn what happens to the girls when they find the mosaic. The finding will be your inciting incident and I hope it happens within the next few pages.

I think if you trim the opening by a page the pace will pick up, as it is I wasn't really hooked in until the girls were introduced.

Other comments:

Loved the description of the raven becoming many, great visual writing.

more of a description of Baku feels necessary.

Was confused by Severin's lock picking, I think you need to show us that he his by a door before showing that he is picking a lock. Also you describe an apartment door and then it opens straight into a collection room which felt more like a museum.

How big is this mosaic? You describe it as large but then it seems enormous on the slaves' logs and then small enough to fit in a bag.

Where is the secret door? Next to the grate? In the wall? High up? A bit muddled with that.

The VO needs some tweaking it's very bland at present and I wonder if you should try rewriting it with Zoe speaking, it might give it a bit more verve.

This is a very unusual idea and I hope I get to read some more of it but you need to watch your pacing and tendency to vague descriptions.

Patrick Brennan (Level 1)

Hmm. It's good and ambitious. Frankly, I don't usually care for this sort of film, but yours is undeniably professional. I hope the rest is as well crafted. Dialogue could maybe do with a little bit of work. "Let's go" is not quite a cliché but not quite necessary either. Overall, very good though. I hope it doesn't get dark as I imagine it set in a world alive with colour and beauty.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Definitely a visually appealing story for the screen. Lots of dragons, giants, magic spells, maximum security museums and secret passageways. Of the characters, Bacu was my favorite - a sort of half-mummy that would make Guillermo del Toro proud.

A major point to work on, both in these first ten and as the story continues: I need more specific description. This is a world of magic, and while you may see it in your head, I don't visually know what you mean when you say things like "the structure collapses into the mural". How, exactly? Stretched and sucked in like a bad CG effect? Transformed into fairy dust? This is an otherworldly event - YOUR world - and I need to know how things work in your world. How did the tower get in the mural without Lemu, who's standing inside it? How are whole ISLANDS getting drawn in? Sure it can happen, but you need to describe it accurately, or I just can't tell how it looks on the screen. More mundane things, too, need supporting description - levers and secret passageways appear and doors swing open, and I don't know where they are - in the ceilings, the floor, the walls?

There are also places where too much description occurs - mostly stuff we can't tell from the screen. A gun with symbols on it is really quite striking - but not "magic" symbols, because I wouldn't know if they were magic or not. The humans can appear "confused" - I can gather that - but I don't know it's because "they don't know how they got on the hill".

Chloe (in the voice over) reveals threateningly that the mosaic is "coming together". From what I can see, that doesn't seem like much of a problem. It's BREAKING it that looks like the problem to me. Maybe this will be explained, but early on, it just seems confusing. There's no reason to have a narrated prologue if you're not going to clearly spell out the danger.

Chloe and Zoe have two bad twin characteristics - opposite natures and rhyming names. The twin aspect may come into play, but as they are, they're a little too stock. Also, at first, I thought they were with the Girl Scouts, which had me confused for a couple of pages.

This seems like it could be quite a fantasy epic, but you need to take a little more care with your writing - especially in this genre, where the audience needs clear rules on the nature of the world.

Incidentally, I think I had some criticism for the original logline; I'm not sure I like the new one much better. Some things are better (lost the second sentence) some things still need work (it rambles a bit, "even if it could tear" could be stronger - "even if it tears").

I hope these comments are helpful, and good luck in the competition.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Your logline tells us this will be a fantasy type script and that's also what the first ten pages offer. I can also say that I admire you for writing fantasy because it's something I know I could not do. Having said that, I have to be honest and tell you that these first ten pages failed to engage me. I just couldn't get into it. I really wanted to, but it didn't work. I found a lot of it confusing and I had a hard time trying to picture some of the descriptions. I thought the writing could have been tighter too. More precise and less wordy.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more positive.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Let me begin by stating up front that I'm not a huge sci-fi or fantasy genre lover. I don't watch it or read, so my taste my not reflect the quality of these pages. I commend you for your originality. Each page is laced with visuals that captivate and paint wonderful pictures that a capable director could do wonderful things with. That being said, I'd bet this would be a better movie than a screenplay. The fantasy images could be so much more real if we didn't have to conjure up in our minds the fantastic images we're fed. I felt that you overloaded these opening pages with characters. I couldn't keep track and by the time we finally saw Chloe, I was holding too many character references in my brain to make any sort of emotional connection to her. A few times you drifted off into novel writing (eg Page 3 - The humans wander away, confused about how they got on the hill) How do we know that? How do we see their confusion? The action images were descriptive but often a bit long and asked the reader to imagine a lot. I just couldn't get caught up in a story because I felt like I wanted to keep track of who was doing what. I am ranking each script personally to arrive at my top own Top 10. Your ranking is: Not in my Top Ten.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Not much to comment on here as this was a solid entry.

The voiceover may not be needed at the beginning- Note:I didn't mark off for using it...I was just commenting that you could consider not using it and see if just the actions would make for a powerful intro...that's all.

The title is very good, the logline to me is okay. What happens if the girls don't restore the mosaic? An evil witch will seize its power? Ooohh. It would be good to say what the big threat is- the end of the world.

The first ten pages, in my opinion- solid. Your writing style made for a smooth, enjoyable read.

I loved the setting. You have a good imagination.

On p. 2 - "the entire structure"- I wasn't sure what structure you were talking about. The tower? The mosaic? The art studio? Could be clearer here.

P. 3 - she casts spells? How? What does she do? You need to paint the picture. Does she wave her hand? A magic wand? What?

I liked the flow from location to location. Nice, vivid scenes. Mysterious. Page turning. Well done.

The twins' dialog could be better. Most of it just seemed forced or unnecessary or didn't ring true. I'm not good with dialog myself, that's my opinion.

The only other comment I would make is that after a while, I couldn't keep track of all the pieces of the mosaic, where'd they go, who has 'em? There's the sparrow, black night, queen...I'm not sure who the major players are yet because we were introduced to quite a few right off the bat.

All that being said, I enjoyed your entry and I'd be surprised if this didn't make it to the next round.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

For an original fantasy the set-up is extremely important and your V.O. + visuals establish a nice sense of pacing.

A few irregularities threw me off slightly as these images are very clear to you but need to be spelt out to me.

All magical beings got absorbed by the mosaic. Good and evil. I got that part. But isn't Lillith human? or is she an Elf, Evil Fairy or something?

Love your transitions for many scenes and this has fantasy adventure built right in. kinda like "The Mummy" series meets "Narnia"

A few of the scenes in the Kansas Museuem don't really go anywhere in the plot. The girl scouts enter the museum. Chloe and Zoe are shown as part of the staff/owners.

Then They cleans displays for a whole scene and finally close-up for the night in another.

I can't help but thinking there'd be a nice taut montage in there or at least a series of shots. I kinda wondered why introduce some many extras in the form of the girl scouts and then just walk away from that scene.

The first few pages are apt. The action scenes well paced. Your protagonists seem to be heading for an adventure to a place that will have sufficient screen time as the story progresses.

Wish you could show us more about their life outside of the museum and ended the tenth page with Lilith's appearance in the present time.

All the best.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

The two areas that I rate in this contest that carry the most weight are whether or not the first 10 pages are a compelling beginning and does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline.

Does it have a compelling beginning? Yes, it does. You've established the two worlds human and magic as well as good and evil. You've set up the mystery of the secret world behind the secret grate and set the girls off an their adventure. You also let us know that evil is walking the streets so that ups the tension.

Does it have an inciting incident? Yes, the girls finding the secret passage behind the grate.

Is there a theme stated? Yes.

Does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline? So far, so good. You've established that the mosaic has the magical world in it and that its pieces are spread around the world. You don't allude to much else as except that Lilith has escaped so evil is back in the human world.

Other comments: I scored this a very good. The length of the VO kept it from being an excellent.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is great. The first ten pages are very well written and enjoyable to read. A secret passage...woo hoo! A lot of possible conflicts are already developing: good vs evil, magic world vs real world, neat twin vs messy twin, etc. A sinister, powerful villain and her henchman have just materialized. Yeah! This seems like it's going to be an exciting and fun story. I can't wait to read the rest. One thing worries me, though, and it's not something that has happened yet, but a potential pitfall looming ahead. Since this is all about magic, there are no rules going into the story. You have to establish those rules, right upfront. Without them, anything can happen, and when anything can happen, it usually does. That's not very satisfying for a reader (or a movie audience). Without boundaries, the story becomes one magical "deus ex machina" after another. For example, now we know that the raven can split up into many ravens and do his evil deeds. Great. But if you revealed that to us late in the story without this first episode, it would be cheating and disappointing. Use the first act to show us what "magic" means in this particular story, then feel free to run wild with it in Acts 2 and 3. That's just a caution, not a criticism. I really like this story, and I'd hate to see it spoiled. So far, great job!

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

The Mosaic is filled with action. Its a tight script with some engaging action sequences. The Black Knight and the evil Queen are badass'. I feel like this writer has a sense and knowledge of the genre. Its an impressive script. I'm very sure this a story that has been told before but I like where this is going. The dialouge is quick and straight to the point. I'm anticipating the complete script. I can't think of any adjustments that need ti be done. "Good story well told."

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is a tough genre. Setting up an entire magical universe that ultimately invades on our own ain't easy. And you have some pretty big shoes to fill. In fact, there are quite a few movies that do something similar, so yours will have to be over the top and really hit some notes that haven't been hit by those other films.

Unfortunately, I think your opening is far too soft. Once you get to the two girls, your writing was stronger, but everything that happens in the past seemed a bit muddy and soft. Not much impact, nothing new, kind of cliche.

Here are a few problems you should address:

Beginning of time. Hmmm... unless you take the bible literally and believe that the world was created a little over 6,000 years ago, stating "Beginning of time" is a little hokey. Your audience is a lot more discerning these days. Better to write something like "11,000 years ago". That puts the events farther back than written history, but it's not a stretch for the audience to believe.

Using modern names in this distant past - anachronistic.

The way you travel forward through chunks of time seems to go too quickly and at the same time take too long. I think this is because the writing lacks oomph. You should tighten things greatly and then add one more scene - with real knights in the 11th century or something. Give people a time they can relate to, that they know was a time of knights and battles and stuff like that. Then come to modern times.

Would there be people in hides alongside knights so many thousands of years ago? Knights were from medieval times. Anachronistic.

The reintroduction of Lilith took a lot of space, was fairly boring and you really don't explain how the birds allow her to get away.

I like Chloe and Zoe... but it's a real mistake to have their names rhyme. It makes it harder to differentiate between the two. Although they have different voices, they don't seem different enough. You need to find ways to characterize them so they become 3d individuals.

I like where this might go, but I think you need to do some fairly heavy revisions to make this sing.

Good luck.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

This is pretty good. The structure seems OK, but following what was actually going on was a little difficult. It's said that the "magic" and human worlds can't co-exist because the Queen corrupted the humans and formed an army of them, yet you have trolls attacking Lemu and her guards. That was a bit confusing.

Also, if the mosaic was once whole, then was split up, what exactly would putting it back together do? Did the world exist in the mosaic prior to it being split up? If so, what happened to the world when the mosaic was split? Did it go on existing? Was it frozen in time? If the pieces were put back together, would it go back to existing in its own realm without being unleashed into the world of humans?

Overall, I think the opening in the fantasy world and the origin of the mosaic is pretty cool, but it's missing something -- something for the audience to identify with. I'd almost like to see some minor "magical" character for the audience to latch onto. Someone to follow while all this cool stuff is happening. As of now, it's just a bunch of magical stuff happening that I don't really feel invested in.

In Berlin, I'm not sure how Lilith and Bacu are able to enter the human world if Lemu separated the worlds? I suppose that answer will come later, I guess.

Overall, it just seems the action and logic of the piece is bumpy. I think you probably have a cool story here, it just needs to be told a little more clearly.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Title: like it

Logline: Its funny that you posted the old version and the new... either that or it's Chris's new coding on the site. Either way. I like the new one - concise!

Story: Wow, great start. I felt I was in pro hands the words flowed smoothly and
spun a fantastic atmosphere withing the world of its story.

"..which leaves only his pale chin and cracked
lips visible", this is my FAVORITE description of the month... It Rocks!

This is unbelievably polished and fantastic, everything about it is so well done.
- - I almost feel as if someone is having me on.

In good faith, I give this an Excellent!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Impressions while reading:

Don't like, "...and began to corrupt man". I don't have a better way to say it right now, but when using VO at the very beginning of this "Mosaic", I want mystical, vague language... something to disappear into.

Above comment.

I think the story is a prisoner of its premise to a certain degree -- a favorite logline of mine, I felt the story didn't live up to what I had in mind (which is not necessarily the writers' fault).

I wanted more -- more from the logline (story) and more from the idea.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 12:43 AM

Things I learned this round.

1. Fantasy is the evil that MP doesn't like. For some reason I thought it was Sci-Fi? :)
2. Some liked the intro others didn't.
3. Some liked the real world section others didn't.
4. Some thought it wasn't descriptive enough others thought it too descriptive.
5. Some thought it was slow, while others thought it paced well.
6. Some people forgot it was only the first 10 pages, of a fantasy no less. You can't possibly get the whole story out in 10 pages.
7. Most people, who commented, liked the new logline. It still needs work.
8. With this many reviews you can see trends and problems that need to be addressed, so thanks for that.
9. If I submit again it will be a fantasy and you will like it! :)

Thanks to those handful of folks that rated it well. And to the one person that rated it poor, you are a kook, but I love you anyways.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 1:02 AM

Oh, I forgot one.
10. Some folks said it was unoriginal and some said it was very original.

Hah! Fantasy the new favorite of MP. :P

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2009 11:08 AM

Chris, most of that list of ten can be applied to EVERY entry in moviepoet history, even the winning ones!

Good entry, Chris.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 12:14 PM

Thanks Rob, you are correct. However I usually find a lean in one direction or another. I'm nearly as confused now as I was before. :)

Oh well, its getting novelized right now, so when the book is done I'll probably make a lot of changes.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 6/2/2009 1:22 AM

Anyone interested in reading the rest, just let me know.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4) ~ 6/2/2009 3:37 PM

Can I read the rest of your script. I wanted to get more of that evil witch bitch and the black knight. If you don't mind...