Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

The start of this is interesting and the mood is set very well. I think the dialogue with the Lakota goes on a bit too long i would cut some of the dialogue before Iron Fist goes to the creek. Your imagery works well and I was able to visualize alot of the story.

I think if you can get to Kael and Eli faster then we will the meat of the story laid out quicker.

You didn't clarify it was set during the 1880's which is a guess based on the description of the characters. You may what to clarify that too.

I'm glad that you cut the narrator out after the 2 pages. It was a good build up to the mystery character though. Good job.

I can't think of anything else to add right now. I will be looking forward to reading more of this one.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

There was some lovely western atmosphere in the script, but nothing else. I think there was too much narration in the beginning. The outlaws dialogue was overstretched. I think there is something wrong with the pace in those ten pages. I read them all, but I can't understand yet what is this movie about. I can't even make out the lead character. Trim off the narration and the dialogue and use that space to bring more life to those ten pages.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very well written and paced. Good descriptions, great dialogue, well rounded characters. This script has a lot going for it and sets the foundation for a great story to take place. One thing that I wasn't able to figure out... Is Kael the retired bounty hunter? If he is and we haven't discovered that yet, the way you have it is fine. If he isn't, it might be a good idea to try to work the protagonist in to the first 10 pages somewhere. Overall though, I really enjoyed this and would keep reading with hesitation if the rest of the script were here. My first Excellent of the month! Great job!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Funny - I seem to be having a deja vu experience with titles I love - then wondering if the logline has been changed, because I found this one confusing - though I know this is not what I'm judging today.

The opening pages are very well written - but I wonder if the intro isn't just a bit too long. Maybe the visuals will ameliorate the (possible?) overuse of the narrator? I expect they will.

I thought this was very good. A great set up. I want to read more, find out what's going to happen. I was engaged in the characters. I could see this in my mind - very much in the Western genre.

The one thing that slightly annoyed was the inexplicable use of italics in places, but that's a minor point compared to my enjoyment of this.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

So, I've read two pages and have been introduced to Kael Richter, a Cowboy, three outlaws and a thin man and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. The narration sounds more like a documentary, when is something going to happen in this movie?

Next page, finally dialogue but "I would have like to bed with her"; "even the whiskers on her cunny were red" - sounds like old western porn. When is the action going to start? Where are the bounty hunters and the child murderer?

By page 7 we are into a ghost story and I'm wondering if Rabbit might not be human. This is a far cry from the bounty-hunter story I've been promised.

Attack of the old west cannibal? Are you serious? Or is this turning into a zombie flick?

What is Eli doing "conjecturing"? Perhaps it will be explained later, but from his appearance, didn't expect that word to come out of his mouth.

By the end of page 10 I have no idea what this movie is about. You are into some tale of a flesh-eating human-looking cowboy with a side story around a guy with a two mile by two mile fence. Ten minutes into your movie and I have no idea where you are headed with it, but cannot possibly see it fitting into your logline. Is the "vicious, rival bounty-hunter" the HAND?

Sorry, but I have to say Bad Start to Bad Land, wish I knew more about where it was headed.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Alright, despite the VO in the beginning you set a good mood. So well in fact that I hoped this wasn't a supernatural story and it still might not be. I wan't to read more. Good Job!

Notes:
- Each season change should be a new scene.
- I know I've used VO, but sparingly, because frankly VO sucks.
- Lose 'IS' keep your writing active.
- What's a paint horse?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

When does this take place? What year? I thought it was contemporary from the logline, but from the first few pages, I take it, this is a western.

I love the opening images, but I'm not as keen on the narration. It feels like it is telling me stuff, I will discover if I just watch the film.

The three men are great, especially their names. Wonderful dialogue. Truly awesome opening scene. I loved everything about it.

Even the last scene oozes style. "Are you fretting over my pistols?" - Fantastic.

I'm not sure how all of this connect to the logline, but honestly, I don't care. This is really wonderful. My only suggestion is to lose the narration. Everything else is brilliant.

I really want to read more.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was actually pretty good! You did a fantastic job with your setting and imagery. Also, kudos on PINKY'S dialogue! It was my favorite out of all the scripts so far.

Here are a few things that I noticed...

You have one VERY long scene beginning at the bottom of page three that goes all the way to the top of page nine. That's kind of long (six minutes)... On page eight when IRON CLOUD goes to the Creeks Edge, that should be a new scene. It's a different location than the "campsite". That would obviously break up that one long scene a bit.

Not a whole lot really happens in the first ten pages. It just seems like three guys talking around a campfire. I didn't see any type of hook in the opening pages, nor did I find an inciting incident that gave purpose to the story. In that regards, your story might be much stronger if you opened up with your "rogue vigilantes" doing their evil deeds (lynching perhaps) and intercut with your three men as they spoke about the dangerous Badlands as they sit around the campfire...

Other than what I've mentioned above, it was pretty good. I would actually like to give this another read if/when you change things around and throw some action in the beginning that can hook the audience.

Good Job.

David Birch (Level 5)

i like the fact that you tackled a new and fresh subject matter...probably would've opened with the murder, rather than the changing of the seasons...just seemed to make everything move a little too slow for me...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

The silhouetted figure is the biggest strength of your script, and was introduced at well timed intervalls. Can't help but feel the dialogue between Iron Cloud, Pinky and Rabbit is lacking in something, though I did like your use of dual languages (something a lot of film makers forget!) I would definitely want to see what else this story has to offer- good job!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Some notes I jotted down as I was reading your pages:
*
“The snow has melted thin and patches of dead-looking earth…” I think we need a comma in there.
*
“And oftentimes reverse the very beliefs that heretofore he has been committed.” This sentence needs a little work. I think I see what you’re saying, but it comes across as a little sloppy.
*
“Some seek refuge from those places banished of the red-skinned people and renamed civilization;” I have to say that the narrators style of speech is really difficult to get through. I see what you’re trying to do here, but this is probably the fourth or fifth sentence that I’ve had to read multiple times in order to understand. And that’s page ONE.
*
I think the standard these days is to drop the CONT’Ds. I agree with that. I think a script is much more readable without them.
*
“…they are the men to fear.” Very cool fade at the end there. Here’s the thing, that is a GREAT ending to an introductory scene. But the funny thing is, I feel like I’ve been reading for a LONG LONG time. But I’m only on page 2. You have a very good potential lead-in here, but I really believe that you need to pare it down language-wise. (I don’t give that note lightly…and I feel for you…I get that same one all the time. But it’s really true, I’m afraid. The language is so thick.)
*
The conversation between the three outlaws goes on for 5 pages. It may be a little long.
*
“…speaks in Lakota.” Earlier, you were adding parentheticals to denote the language. I think that worked well.
*


I think these pages could be much more effective if that long conversation between the three outlaws is pared down A LOT, and more time is spent with a protagonist (KAEL?) setting up a story and a direction. I feel, right now, like I’m not sure where this thing is headed!

I’m intrigued by THE HAND and I think that’s a nice little mystery to introduce but, overall, I’m afraid there’s not enough here that has me really really NEEDING to read the next ten pages.

Even more so, and I think this is pretty important...I read your logline again after reading your first ten and I just don't see any resemblence between the two. I think this is really important, especially when you're submitting to industry folk. If someone requests your first ten based on your logline (which was, in effect, what voters did a few months ago), then you need to deliver on that logline. That's the story that was requested, that's the one you should deliver. (Apologies if I'm sounding a little preachy...not my intention. This is just a mistake that I have made myself in the past and, let me tell you, the results aren't pretty.)

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I usually don't like to read westerns but, so far, enjoy this one. Here are a few comments. Good luck in the contest.

The first slug line mentions WINTER. Then down a couple of inches, there is a mention of SPRING and then lower, SUMMER. This is confusing. Probably needs another slug line. but I'm not sure. Perhaps a SUPER.

There is a lot of voice-over. It works but I think maybe there's another way to provide the information.

"Three men are setting up camp in a shallow coulee. They are outlaws." Consider instead, "Three outlaws set up camp in a shallow coulee." This newer sentence eliminates the passive ARE and gets rid of the word: MEN.

I notice a lot of the words in the script: IS and ARE. Also words that end in ING. Try to rewrite some of these in a more active voice.


Nice job with the dialogue. Each character has a distinct voice.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

I loved this and I'm hooked. You create a unique, cinematic, mysterious world and your characters are so well developed I hated to see them go. Dialogue and pacing are great as is your overall writing skill. These are truly Badlands and the evil is somehow enticing.

I have three suggestions to make:

1. On p.1, add the word "to" at the end of the sentence: "And oftentimes reverse the very beliefs that heretofore he has been committed."
2. I like the V.O. at the beginning but I think it would be better if shorter.
3. These first ten pages do a great job in setting up the "world" of the story, but they seem to be a precursor to your story as outlined in your logline. I can only guess at the protag and the antag, and I would have thought that by this point we should know a bit more about at least one of them. Would have liked to have seen the inciting incident by now too.

But this is really high-quality writing.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I didn't connect with any of the characters and I didn't find any of them likeable. They were vulgar and pompous. Their way of speaking was pretty tough to follow.

Jess Flower (Level 3)

It is so difficult to use a narrator effectively. Of course I can see the need here, because we need to have an idea and a setup. Is there any way to rework parts of your script to reveal what it is that we need to fear as the audience without telling us through a narrator? As a movie goer, I love to be held in suspense rather than told what's looming ahead of time. I would have loved seeing an opening scene with the mysterious STRANGER (hand) kill those guys and then be left wondering what the heck was going on without someone telling me "something bad is going to happen..."
Something that I would recommend is not giving PINKY the line "I'm dying..." I KNOW the payoff line of "You're dead" is good but it was just too cheesy to hear Pinky tell his demise...

Jim Brown (Level 3)

The first page is excellent. I love a narrator with a personality. The opening narration, combined with the description, does a beautiful job of setting the tone.

Another good element is the descriptive terminology, such as paint horse, Sharp's slant-breach rifle, and rough-shod.

The major problem with these ten pages is that you devote six of them on three characters that end up dead. This is time that could be spent getting to know the protagonist.

Another problem is introducing the supernatural/horror element: it works against the mood you'd so ably established, and causes confusion. I've just gotten interested in a Western, and I'm presented with a supernatural cannibal. It's a very abrupt shift- particularly because there was nothing in your logline that suggested the horror element. It feels like you're playing a trick at the expense of the reader. I don't know if that was your intention.

You have a lot going on here: the theme introduced by the title and the narration; the story of outlaws and justice; the supernatural element; and the world of the bounty-hunter. I'm curious to see how you bring them all together.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Nothing like a good old Western Cow Opera to graze along with the long horns and buffalo.

Your writing style is laidback relaxed and is well suited to this beginning first ten pages. You are providing a solid foundation to build your theme and unfold your plot from. You’re taking it nice and slow, just cow poking along, laid back, kinda’ like.

I’m searching for a uniqueness in the story which was hinted at in your compelling logline. It is illusive in the first ten pages. Maybe I’m insensitive but I have not detected your theme or the plot of your story yet. I’m sure it will emerge down the trail. So far I have only experienced two unconnected vignettes, both well written and visually stunning.

The good news is that your work doesn’t rely on all those old clichéd masterpieces that just get reworked over and over, same old same old.

My gut feel for this work is that a startling new way of looking at the opening of the real West will emerge.

Eli’s last words at the bottom of page ten, “ Are you fretting over my pistols? telegraphed a visceral chill to me

Bad Land is a Good Title for your movie. Good Work

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I was immediately brought into this story but then I feel as if you were a lil inexperienced with the dialogue. I could tell you tried. so I'm going to give this a very good. Very nice visuals and done in a creative way.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Loved your ten! Excellent, I would say. Very captivating.

Formatting a little off (tinsy bit really: CONTD's; beat's ), I believe, but who cares.

The only thing - these ten are no support for your logline so far. But I applaud you for taking a chance! Those should be your main characters on page 9 and 10, right? And though I don't know anything about them I'm just as curious to read about them as I would be if you introduced them on page 1.

And... I'm rating the ten, right? So, without looking at the logline...

Kirk White (Level 5)

now I am a bona fide western freak so you get mad props from me...but this script is a labor to read as written. I think you have a great idea and the character of Silhouette is striking...but honestly I started and stopped this three or four times. I think your descriptions are dead on but the dialouge (especially the narration) is so dense and over wordy that it takes me out of the moment. I'd suggest (once you knock this out) going back and really paring down the language. These are men of action, not words.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love a well-written Western, and this one is terrific. Double-biased because South Dakota location is particularly special. Great title.
The characters are interesting, easy to differentiate, and just "roped" this reader in.
So visual and, shucks, ten pages went by so quickly.
A minor observation: the V.O. at the beginning felt a tad lengthy at two pages.
Looking forward to meeting the wife.
So enjoyable.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'm sure I said this about the logline before, but.... this sounds fundamentally identical to "3:10 to Yuma". I hope it's different somehow.

"Those that try to scratch out a life..." should be "Those WHO try...". A grammar pet peeve. :)

The opening seemed odd: abstract narration about unseen people over a stark yet rapidly changing landscape. I felt like I'd accidentally stumbled onto PBS or National Geographic, when I'd been promised an action Western instead. It wasn't very satisfying nor captivating.

I think the problem with the first 2 pages is that we've all seen enough Westerns to understand that there are different kinds of people out in the Old West. Okay. So what? It's your job to show us those various types of people in action, in conflict, instead of just telling us they exist. If you cut that narration from your script, I'd argue that your story wouldn't suffer one iota. And, it follows, if the story doesn't suffer, then you ARE OBLIGED to cut it out because it only serves to hold your story's shoulders down and pummel the life out of it.

Give ages when you introduce your characters. "Young" can be anything from infant to 30.

Did they use the term "balls" in the late 1800's? Just curious. Sounded wrong to my ears. There are some other terms in there that struck me as really anachronistic, as well.

The discussion about women took WAY too long. We get it. We got these guys from the get-go. This is not advancing your story.

You spent all that time in meaningless conversation, while nothing visually interesting is going on, only to kill those three characters on page 8? Seems to me that this is a shocking waste of extremely valuable space.

You don't even introduce your hero until page 9! Giving us a flash glimpse of him on page one doesn't count! You're not guaranteed that a professional reader's even going to wait that long to meet him: first they have to wade through a philosophical narration, then change gears completely to a too-long crude discussion from three guys who end up completely unnecessary to the script! They're gonna conclude that you don't have a clear idea of the structure of this screenplay, and you might possibly even have lost their interest before the Silhouette ever shows up in the first place (and which studio's really going finance a Western in which a soon-to-be-killed guy says "cunny"? they're never going fight for your script with a gratuitous word like that in it).

Some of the Spaghetti Westerns got away with waiting so long to intro their main character, but at least they handled their openings with taste and action sequences.

And now I've only had two pages with our hero, and I have yet to know him. That's a feeling of letdown coming from me right now. This script could be awesome. As it stands, it's a tangled web of styles and a messy structure.

Rating: Fair

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Normally I'd suggest cutting way down on the descriptives, but this was a wonderful read for me. I love the story and the embellishments didn't distract from it at all. You'll probably hear about it from others. I suggest that the landscape is an element of the story, though, and the elaboration is a good thing...

The VO worked perfectly. The dialogue is flawless and wonderful. I found one thing on the first read through that I would have suggested a change on, but I can't find it again. Your writing is clean and concise. Your images are incredibly vivid and that works here for me...

I LOVE this story so far, and I really, really hope you make it to the top ten. No matter what happens here at MP, finish this script.

Excellent work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

That opening scene would make a brilliant short movie by itself. I thought that at one point the conversation between them had become too comical, which distracted from the suspense, but overall you maintained a good tone.

It's hard to tell what the rest of the script is going to be, and when the opening or possibly pre-title sequence is so good and memorable, as well as being this long, it might overshadow the rest of your story and characters. I can't really judge, but that's how it seems already from these ten pages (eight of them this other scene).

These ten pages seem to bear very little relation to the story in your logline. I'm guessing when the ex-bounty-hunter transports this accused man, the windego is going to feature somehow?

It was entertaining and very well written, but didn't give much indication of whether you can handle the rest of the story. I'd still love to continue reading though.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

A vicious bounty hunter sneaks up on some indians (wow, that's a first in the western genre,I know its not but it seldom happens)Good scene builds up the tension and gives a insight into the world of these characters.

As for the script as a whole I'd give this a high GOOD rating. Some things can be changed only with a few minor tweeks here and there.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

You have a gift for "frontier" voices. I really like Pinky's: Rabbit, if yer gonna insult me, do it in goddamned English (laughed out loud), and Women go torture men to pieces with their flauntin' and prancin'... It's great until you kill him off. You show him to us before you show us anything else, even about Richter, who I suspect is supposed to be the main character.

From the start, I did not have a positive expectation of this story because of the trite use of a narrator saying something that's supposed to be profound. The narrator then proceeds to "tell" me a bunch of stuff. Instead of the effect you were going for, this is likely to annoy and alienate your readers. If the story works, you will show things and needn't have a narrator. I suggest you cut him and begin with Richter building the fence because that's where the story really seems to start.

About Pinky et al, the description "They are outlaws" can't be filmed, so how can you communicate that information to an audience--without the narrator telling us?

Also, I think you should show the thin man, silhouette, windego, cannibal before you show Pinky et al, since he survives, and they don't.

Are the two cowboys the same? If so, please make that clear (call Eli Eli from the start). If not, I suggest you get rid of the first one.

I'm looking forward to the meat of the story--a face-off between the windego and Richter?

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

I really liked the initial set up - it reminded me a lot of No Country for Old Men, with a similar feeling of the doomed romanticism of Cormac McCarthy. The voice over added to this a bit, even if I think it could have been tightened up. The beats of the voice over were great- I especially loved that last line of "...the violent ones" with that immediate fade out. I think the voice over was a bit *too* talky, however, and think it would be more successful if it was parred down so it could punctuate the visuals, rather than describe them- as was done brilliantly with the "violent ones" line. The weakness of the piece is definitely the dialogue. This intro with the voice over gives way to this really long (and dragging) scene with these three outlaws. They aren't particularly interesting, and their dialogue feels very stilted and on-the-nose. Why do we need to know exactly what they did, and why in such a direct way? It doesn't feel natural or organic. What is especially frustrating is that characters immediately die. So basically we have to put up with this long, dragging scene that doesn't really go anywhere, with (literally) disposable characters. A scene like this should be a bit more eccentric, like from Jarmusch's DEAD MAN, if the goal is to be a memorable one-off scene. However, even saying that, a scene like that maybe shouldn't open a film. So as an opening, it probably needs to be parred down *dramatically*.

Miriam Goldman (Level 3)

I would be beyond interested to read what happens next, should this make the final round! Not only are the characters well and quickly established, but the setting is cool too, as are the motifs. I especially liked this description:
Pinky takes a gulp of cheap, brown liquor from a bottle and offers it to Rabbit.
Young Rabbit looks away. He wears traditional Lakota garb,
and although he is a wanted man, he is the incarnation of
the honor of his race.
Anyway, I was quite enamored with this beginning, but we'll have to see how it turns out!
4/5

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Overall: I like the gentle pacing of this but after 10 pages I'm none the wiser as to who your protagonist is and we should know that by now and where the story is going.

You spend six of your ten pages giving us these wonderful outlaws imparting what I thought was useful information and character detail and then you kill them. If they aren't important to the script I wouldn't spend so long on them, one to one and a half pages would do and then you'll have more room to bring your protagonist and his story forward.

Not sure about the VO - I don't recall any film with a Narrator that isn't a character from the film, perhaps that will become clearer, it is slow but I think it sets the pace well; it feels very laid back and I'm not clear about the time period which is no bad thing at this stage.

Character: Well I loved Pinky, Rabbit and Iron Clad, wonderful vivid descriptions and characterful banter between them but now they're dead and no other characters have sprung to life.

Dialogue: great, thoroughly enjoyed it. You do need to use 'subtitles' somewhere for the Lakota language though.

Story: not really too sure what is happening. It feels like a ghost story so far and, as I said, I don't know if it's Kael or Eli's story yet.

Format: You need to use sluglines more. Every time it's a change of scene - winter, summer or from the campfire to the edge of the creek you need a new slug.

english/English

I'm giving you a good for this, your writing is great but I prefer the protagonist to be clarified by now and the genre seems at odds with your logline.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Some amazing visual language, bordering on pure poetry. The whole opening shot sequence, melting from winter, to spring, to summer, is a great way to define the world of the story. The colorful language of the characters is almost spot on and each one has a unique voice. I get a great sense of each of them quickly.

Wild West lingo and dialect is tricky to navigate - if you stumble, it gets corny. Like I said, you almost never stumble, but there are a few times. The narrator's "oftentimes reverse" line gets too Shakespearian for its own good, and either the grammar isn't exactly right, or it's too tangled for me to figure out. And is a land "banished of" someone?

In contrast, some damn good turns of phrase - "goddamned grasshoppers", "I-HATE-YOU", "a scalping of some kind". All gems.

It took two reads for me to understand (I think) the Hand. (Great name, by the way.) I think he's cannabalizing them (needing to eat in a barren land) but my first impression was that he's some kind of vampire, which isn't at all clear from your logline. Vampires on the frontier would make for a great story, but I don't think that's what you're up to, here. Did he decapitate Iron Cloud and throw his head in the fire (awesome) or is it a ghostly image (less awesome)?

It bothers me a little that we spend six pages on these three characters and get a lot of backstory for them, only to have all three killed. Since horror is possible (but unlikely) I suppose they might come back, but if not, it seems like a waste.

Still, I'd definitely read more - especially considering the line of dialogue page 10 ends with. Well done.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

The unknown Narrator opening is probably my least favorite method of exposition. A lot is revealed through it however allowing us to get into the story quickly. Still, I read the openng pages without it and still arrived at the same place. When the dialogue begins, I wondered if subtitles would be used for the Lakota labguage since the audience would obviously need to know what was being said. Which leads me to my issue with the dialogue. A long portion of the middle of the these pages was very wordy and went on a bit long. The dialogue wasn't badly written but the two SNAPS leading away to the creek murder just felt like it took a while. Eli and Kael seem to be promising characters and I do love the unique setting and period. You have embraced the genre well and translated your logline into a much broader piece than just ten pages. I'm intrigued to read more. I'm very early in reviewing all of the scripts in the contest but I'd be surprised if you didn't advance. There's a sense of purpose in your craft. Nice writing. I am ranking each script personally to arrive at my top own Top 10. Your ranking is: In the Top Ten.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

The title is very fitting. The log line to me seems convoluted/ambiguous.

The bounty hunter leaves in order to transport a man "against an onslaught..."?
I think it could be expressed a little more clearly. That being said, I'm not going to mark down for my opinions on the logline...so...on with the first ten pages:

I really am a fan of your opening setting. I can definitely visualize the winter weather in So.Dakota. Not sure you need "winter" in the slugline.

I'm not a big fan of the "narrator" at the beginning of films. I think you could show or reveal this info in a more visual, interesting way. I don't want a narrator telling us there are "men to fear". Show us these scary s.o.b.'s. Three evil men? Are you talking about Rabbit/Iron Cloud/ and pinky? These guys don't seem so evil. Maybe they talk tough, but then they sure seem to get scared easily.

The dialog is very good at times, and then there's some dialog that seems contrived, as if you want to put Seth Rogen and his crew as Pinky / Rabbit/Iron cloud. yer givin me the "willies"? Iron cloud sounds like an Indian one minute, and the next minute says he has to take a piss.

I found myself a little bit lost in the sense that the narrator led me to believe this was a story about the men with evil in their hearts. But soon we hear a story of windegos. These guys are killed off.

They're drinking around the campfire, but I don't get a true sense of the mood. When Pinky laughs at Iron Cloud's "falling in", he seems pretty calm about it. Maybe he's got a good buzz on. I don't know.

There's no suspense leading up to the gore scene (which is pretty cool). I'd expand on the gore scene a little bit - it's good the way you have it but it could be better. Just consider it. Maybe have the ghost seem like a friend, a calming presence, then BAM

I like the Eli and Kael exchange at the 9 and 10 pages.

The first 8 pages gives me a supernatural feel to the story which is not shown at all in the logline.

I can only assume the bounty hunter/preg wife will come soon? And if the logline is what the story is truly about, the first ten pages don't serve it. or at least not yet.

Keep in mind these are just one schmoe's opinions. Let me know if I can clarify anything.

Good luck.

Rob McCarthy (Level 2)

From the title and the logline, I think I had an idea in my head that this was going to be post-apocalyptic, and was pleasantly surprised by it being more of a western. I really thought this was great, really exciting and it had me sucked-in completely. I'm in this competition, so I don't want to tempt fate with so many other good writers in the field, but I can honestly say that I think this should be in the top ten without a doubt, and really hope I get to read the rest!

The dialogue was really outstanding to me, and the whole thing was a joy to read. I'm gushing a little about this, I know, but I'm genuinely impressed! This is definitely a ten minutes of film I would enjoy watching. Great stuff!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Your story actually begins round about page 8. I wish Kael would've performed some action much earlier in the plot than just be part of the a shot.

Firstly, the whole opening narrative is back-story, it could appear in spurts later or you could get by without using it. Sure, it lends atmosphere but the V.O. affects pacing and the plot doesn't go anywhere for the first few pages.

The three outlaws have a great conversation and the dialog writing here is stellar. The whole horror element in the western is a great idea and you carry it out successfully.

But the balance I'm looking for between horror and western doesn't strike me as equal right now.

There are certain bits of description that cannot be conveyed on screen and in a Western you can get by with some of these but over the course of the feature it might bog down the plot a bit.

The narrator being an Omniscient character who remains anonymous doesn't work for me and gives this an artificial quality compared to Westerns where one of the characters essays the role of a narrator.

I love a good western. This has the makings of one. But the colorful characters in the first ten pages have been killed and we don't know much about the the primary character's voice. Wish you'd given him some more breathing room.

All the best.

Sarah Daly (Level 2)

First of all, the quality of the writing is excellent - you set the tone impeccably and ww immediately know what kind of film this is going to be. This genre wouldn't be a favourite of mine but once the (potentially)supernatural element was introduced I was hooked - a very imaginative, creepy concept and I look forward to seeing where you go with it. My only real negative would be that you don't seem to have gotten to the meat of your story, as described in the logline, in these ten pages. but I do think that the tone-setting you have accomplished is probably worth this slowing of narrative pace. Maybe you could cut the dialogue between the trio somewhat to allow us to meet our protagonist sooner. Their dialogue is fantastic however - natural, entertaining, snappy and original. As is the voiceover at the start - very moody - a great introduction. So overall, a very good effort and an engaging read.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

The two areas that I rate in this contest that carry the most weight are whether or not the first 10 pages are a compelling beginning and does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline.

Does it have a compelling beginning? The first few pages are quite compelling but then it ends. You devote 7 1/2 pages to introducing us to 3 characters and then you kill them all off with no hint as to what that has to do with the rest of the story. There is also no hint how that relates to Richter and his large fence. If the movie projector broke after 10 minutes, I'd be quite confused and don't believe I'd stay around to see what happens next.

Does it have an inciting incident? I don't know because there is no indication of how the screenplay progresses from here.

Is there a theme stated? No.

Does it deliver on the promise/premise? No. Nothing that happens in the first 10 pages is referenced in the logline and I don't know how any of the characters fit into the story.

Other comments: Your heavy use of VO in the first two pages really slows them down. You have typos that need to be fixed. I don't take off for that but you should fix them before you send this out to anyone.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I love Westerns, so I was predisposed to like this. And I did. I enjoyed these first ten pages very much. But it's kind of hard to review them, because they're all set-up. (Kind of like judging an archery contest by how well the contestants draw the bowstrings.) But that's okay, the first ten pages are all about set-up, and you've done a great job with it. The visuals are great, and you've done a really nice job describing the bleak and difficult conditions faced by prairie pioneers. But, so far, it's kind of slow. And there are a number of directions the story could take at this point. For example, who's the protagonist? Kael Richter? Eli Mott? And the antagonist, is it "The Hand"? At this point, we can't even tell if "The Hand" is good or bad. (He killed a few guys, but they were bad guys.) I guess my main comment would be that, so far, there's no real "hook". Unlike me, a lot of people today don't like Westerns much, so you've got to grab them right out the chute (so to speak). What you've written, so far, is great, but the hook is missing, and you risk losing your non-Western-loving readers before they've even gotten to the real story, and that would be a shame. One really small question -- what happened when Iron Cloud's face appears at the fire, and "it dips and swirls as if swung by a string, then soars through the air and lands in the fire..." What's happening there? (Just curious.)

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

I liked the narration in the beginning. The descriptions early on was defintely crisp. What makes "Bad Land" a good script is the attention to detail. As for the dialouge it could be cut short I believe. The camp scene has too much dialouge. Thats the only thing I believe needs to be changed. I'm anticipating the finished script.

Kudos!

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

I liked the opening the scene and the narration. Its simply put and straight to the point.

No b.s. about how rugged or dirty something is trying as much as possible to be super descriptive. Leave it out. This writer does. The format is top notch.

As for the dialouge I liked. The story was there. But my only gripe may be with the campfire scene. Its too long IMO. Overall I liked it.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

The Title: Very good.

The Logline: Not very good. What does his wife being pregnant have to do with the story?Where is he transporting him to? What are the stakes? This tells me something of the story, but not nearly enough.

The Story:
Although the story is entertaining in its way, it in no way seems to relate to the logline. The way I read the logline, it seemed to be something current. If your western setting is indeed the beginning of the story described in the logline, then your story is moving FAR too slowly. There is no indication of a child, a child murderer, bounty hunters or anything. This story sounds like a combination of supernatural thriller/horror coupled with a western setting.

Some notes: You spend too much time with the banter between the three men in the desert. All dialogue must accomplish something. You could cut your dialogue to 25% of what it is now and still accomplish the same thing.

Also, the opening... far too long and drawn out.

Having said that, I like the story and you have a way with words. You just need to learn to move things along. Economy of words !!!

In the end... since this story didn't seem to relate to the logline in any way, I have to grade this as Fair.

Tom Major (Level 1)

Not quite sure what etiquette is here regarding spoilers, so I’ll just be safe: Spoilers ahead!
Nice job here. The script hovers between absurdity of the Spaghetti Western and the true-life grit of Unforgiven; and I mean to say it does so in all the right ways. The landscape and characters feel real, yet the spectral assassin lends itself to more romanticized tales of the west.
Congratulations on making me care about cannon fodder. I was becoming invested in Rabbit; I wanted to see more of him. I felt that he was misunderstood or somehow stuck in a situation beyond his control. So when that knife strike kills him so suddenly… I was legitimately upset. And that’s a good thing.
Your main character gets the Clint Eastwood Unforgiven intro; simple salt of the earth type man approached by one who flaunts his violent nature. That intro works; it’s a hallmark of the western.
My only concern with what you’ve got is that it might be too long before we reach our main character. I like the slow burn beginning with the narrator and the landscape. I love the interaction between the three outlaws. It feels to me like we should get to our main character a page or two faster though, this story is about him after all.
I just want to say one more time, nice job here; makes me want to see the rest.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

The good: You seem to have a good understanding of the time and place of which you right. Though, you have to watch out for forcing in information -- like the "did you strike gold in the Black Hills" line. Given that they're probably in the vicinity of the Black Hills, I would think he'd just say "did you strike gold" with "in the Black Hills" being understood.

Issues: Seven pages is an awful long time to spend with three characters who die less than 10 minutes into the film. First of all, seven pages is way too long for most scenes anyway. And second, I think you should use that space to introduce the audience to the protagonist (who seems to be Kael). I'm not sure you need all that narration up front. It didn't really do much for me. I think if you shorten the scene with Pinky and Co. to 2-3 pages and use that as the cold open, then get right to Kael it could work.

The other big issue I have is that I'm not sure what genre or time period this is. The logline doesn't make it seem like a western or horror film, but the first 10 pages make it seem like a combination of the two. There's no hint of supernatural, the Dakota setting or the 19th Century setting in the logline. I think all those things are important to put in there.

One format note: You need to CAP the names of characters when they are introduced.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Impressions while reading:

"And hard times come plenty in a place like this. The Lakota call it Maka Sichu -bad lands. White men call it the frontier." I think starting that passage with, "The Lakota..." would really echo the scenery and move the passage up a notch (though I do love the passage as is) -- but something like, "The Lakota call it Maka Sichu. White men call it the frontier... either way, hard times come a plenty in the Bad Lands."

The Narrator needs to be quick -- and does not need to speak in complete sentences. His words are defining poetic images... and I can hear Sam Elliot's voice (don't know if that's what you're going for, but I like it).

Iron Cloud and Rabbit -- a bit tough on the vernacular. I'm trying to hear the voices and it's not happening for me. A bit of white man versus native which is not at all consistent... but some solid lines along the way.

While I'm getting to know these characters they are suddenly gone, replaced by a new group of strangers, which I'm not quite as comfortable with -- I was really beginning to like Rabbit and his ilk.

Again, I think the idea is there and I believe a good deal of the dialogue is there as well -- just let the story tell itself, have confidence in it, and that is not what I feel is there... but I think this could be GREAT!.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2009 12:13 AM

This was one of three excellents I gave out this month and I am so sorry it is not going on to the next round.

I loved the characters and dialogue. If you haven't finished this script already, please do, it is wonderful.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 12:49 AM

Hey, you got a VG from me. I hope you keep working on it.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 1:15 AM

This was one of my 3 Excellents of the month as well! Awesome intro to a gritty western here. Sorry to see this didn't advance.

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2009 7:04 AM

I don't know what happened man, I thought this would easily go on to the next round. I gave it an excellent and I don't usually like westerns, I still hope you complete this and I hope I get a chance to give it a read.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 6/3/2009 5:16 AM

Obviously, I was disappointed for you. I felt for sure you would move on. I loved your opening pages and, as I put in my review, I had you in my Top Ten. If you are interested in sharing scripts or if you simply allow me to read more of your work, I'd love to see more of this screenplay. Sorry you didn't advance but it's really not because your script isn't good enough. It's great writing and I'm confident your talent will shine through.