Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

I don't think that this was terribly clever throwing in the God/Devil character. Leading up to this moment the script was fairly natural and realistic. I think that magical realism certainly has it's place, but this was in my opinion not a fresh twist, and one that's been overdone. The red eyes were the topper; it just took an interesting idea of a step father not being able to deal with his wife's kid, and cheapening it.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I really liked this one. Very original. Did not see where it was going at all and was pleasantly surprised.
The Crunch, crunch, crunch on the first page looks a bit odd to me like that. it's not dialogue and it's not really a complete sentence. Other than that I don't see anything wrong with it, good job!

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

This script really didn't work for me. The characters didn't seem genuine, the dialogue was awkward, and the overall writing didn't come through visually. The arc and pacing of the story was a little rough and the tone wasn't consistent.

I do think there is potential here for an effective dark comedy. I just think there needs to be more subtlety in the characters and more creativity in the overall story. I especially think the script could've benefitted by introducing the second Taylor earlier on and developing him a little further.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I'm guessing he sold his soul to change his step-son? This wasn't absolutely clear, but the point got across. Not sure what the message was though. Keep up the writing.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great opening scenes. I grew up with my Mom and Step-Father and you did a great job of capturing the kind of conflict that can arise.

I was actually a little disappointed with the twist (which came out of nowhere). I was really curious to see a more realistic resolution to this drama.

Still, this was very clever and original and I did enjoy it.

David Birch (Level 5)

nicely done...unfortunately the constraints of the contest shackled you from the proper format of using GOOD TAYLOR, BAD TAYLOR (or something to that effect) to allow your reader a better idea of what was going on with whom at the end...you might have used the LITTLE BOY/TAYLOR in the dialog line to let us know that the new taylor was taking over...anyway, good going...nice read...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Interesting story! Here are a few comments.

I always look for ways to say the same thing with less words. Example: "PARKER(33) sits at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal and TAYLOR(12) sits next to him doing the same." Consider instead: "PARKER(33) and TAYLOR(12) sit at the kitchen table and eat cereal."

One way to make your writing more active is to rewrite sentences which have the words IS or ARE in them. Example: "In the middle of the room facing away from Parker is a boy." Consider instead: "A boy faces Parker in the middle of the room."

Gabe Feinberg (Level 2)

This is a fantastic script. Realistic dialog, a real understanding of the characters and good handle of their relationships. My only criticism is that you seem to lose a bit of your punch when you dip out of reality. Everything gets a little fuzzier, like you may have momentarily lost your focus. Or maybe its just such a jump from the realism of the first segment to the magical realism/fantasy of the ending. I'm not telling you to change it, I just think it could stand to be honed a bit more. But otherwise, great work.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Neat title on all levels! I thought the use of the "ending" was very chilling. Good work! I think the tone of the piece changed. I did not know I was in a horror flick until quite late, although I did suspect Parker was going to hurt the kid. The Action/Description might have suggested the genre a bit more for a more consistent feel. Watch our for wording. "Estranged" does not mean strange.... I enjoyed the read.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

I really don't know what your story was here. Taylor is magically replaced by a better version, and by what? Boy should be in capitals when he is introduced. And then he isn't replaced as this Boy leaves without these papers signed.

The story at the beginning shows us there's a conflict between Taylor and Parker but I feel this 'Boy' was thrown into the story as a convenient way to extend this story. You should name this Boy. Also it gets a little chaotic from that moment on.

Parker's last line standing next to the car makes him EXT. DRIVE - NIGHT

Plus for him to be heard the window would have to be open.

Also, as Parker had moments earlier tried to lunge at Taylor. I don't see the the line "Try to get some sleep" being met with a smile from Taylor. It just doesn't work.

All the best for this competition,


Javier

Jay Simms (Level 3)

At first it seemed like the few boring scripts I read before this, but in the middle it got a lot better and then quickly to being just alright. It left alot of guessing going on, which is alright. Overall it wasn't too bad, but could have been alot better. A rewrite would make a good story I think.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Original. I'm not certain that I am completely clear on the ending though. Was the boy not God but Satan? Did they kill the real Taylor and he was in the trunk?

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Parker (33) a new stepfather is having difficulty adjusting to being a father to a pre-teen out of control, rude and nasty boy; Taylor (12). Susan (31) his mother is blinded by the fact the boy is hers. The kid is a rude nasty menace and causes Parker to pray for help. His cry for help is answered when a miracle child that is an exact match for the nasty Taylor materializes. He is the exact opposite emotionally and morally than the other kid. Parker is asked to sign some papers by the new double of the boy Taylor. Parker hesitates. The situation feels like a making a deal with the Devil. Parker at first won’t sign. However another brush with the nasty twin obviously has an effect. We surmise that all is wonderful with the relationship. We further assume that the nasty double is being taken for a ride in the trunk of Parker’s car.

Definitely and intriguing story line and you have shown it clearly. Poor old Parker goes though a complete change of being. The magic of the action made it easy for me to suspend my skeptical belief system for the duration of this little short movie script. I think it is good.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Wow!!! That's some seriously fucked up shit...LOL!!! I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. The dark powers that be are always poised to take advantage of the weak-minded and weak-hearted. His plea was picked up by a dark and evil power and it made him commit murder for the sake of making his marriage a more pleasing one.

Writing was very well done and the dialogue between the step-father and step son was tactfully articulated. I only wish that there was more. For me, this story cannot end just like this. It feels as it's just the beginning of a full feature horror film. If it ain't, then I strongly suggest you go for it, as the potential for this script to be a great film is popping out the pages. Very Well Done!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I am soooo.... confused. I was onboard with the God thing but I'm not sure that was God then all of a sudden Parker is choking Taylor. I'm confused not only that you took a long time bringing us to the point I think your script needs some focus. Please its creative but it just seems weird. The son does not sound like a son in parts and I'm not sure if that's the God character or not. It just didn't flow to me. Maybe its the prose but I wish I could say more on to the next. Interesting but please make this a bit more clear and try to set the mood better.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's definitely a good idea.

I could not understand the set up in your last scene. And I'm guessing you know by now what I mean. Parker stands next to his car and you have INT slugline. If your Parker would not say anything it would be ok. But your Parker says his "try to get some sleep" line. Got me confused at first.

And then - what happened, Parker did not sign the papers? (read again - seems like he did, the fact that he is leaving confused me a little)

"smiles with slight suspicion"?

Good entry I think. Kept me curious.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Couple good ideas running through this story. Step-parent and child dynamic different.
Not sure that Taylor needs to injure Parker to the point that he's bleeding. Not relevant to Taylor's character and doesn't add to the plot. Wondered if Taylor was about to turn into a "bad seed." Instead, he gets a twin.
The ending is not entirely clear. Is Taylor in the kitchen the "boy/twin?" Parker's "estranged look" insinuates that his feeling toward Taylor (the original?) has changed to hostility. Which Taylor does he lunge for and which Taylor ends up in the trunk?

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"Dressed to impress." Is that a prom dress? A business suit? A leotard with ostrich feathers? A slingshot bikini? This description tells me nothing. The same goes for "Taylor stands in front of them with an unsettling look." I still have no idea what he looks like: angry, tired, cross-eyed, what?

Well, that's certainly a different method to solve the perennial behavior problem: a murder and a fake-kid. I'd just use discipline, myself, but I'm well aware that takes actual work. Since you don't really explain the mythology behind where this strange other-boy comes from, I had a hard time getting into the story. Some people might like the vagueness of it, but I want more substance.

Laurie Paulin (Level 2)

Yep, excellent. When I got to page 4, I thought "oh no, genre change mid-stream" but you pulled it back nicely. This came completely out-of-the-blue and I couldn't help smiling as I continued to read. The script had it all - conflict, drama, appropriate dialogue, a villian to despise, a hero to identify with who has to change to achieve his goal and a complete story arc. It was a nice touch how you resisted the happy ending and disposed of Taylor at the end. Good job and I can easily see this being made into a short if you wanted to pursue this line.

Maj. Musa Lawrence (Level 1)

Not a very enjoyable read. Events are happening that have no relevance to any particular bigger picture. The writer has a decent vocabulary, but I didn’t grasp the concept of his/her story at all. I do like how it fit in with the end, but I don't understand the point. The story just sounds like the typical family arging.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Use commas instead of parentheses for the character's age. The parentheses disrupt the flow for the reader. When you're introducing characters with unisex names, give their gender. You want the mental image of them to start from the moment the audience sees them.

You're writing some of the action in the present passive. Avoid using descriptives that end in 'ing.'

Keep your writing simple and direct. You use a lot of words to say some pretty simple things. The "She leans in ..." to "Parker exits." segment is an example of what I'm meaning here. This could be worked into a shorter and more direct read, and it would give you a couple of more lines to work with on your story.

What is an "unsettling" look? Is it a glare? A look of contempt? Is he going to be sick? "Unsettling" could mean any number of things. Be specific.

Your dialogue is a little stiff in places. I think that, for this story, some of that works. They're adversaries and there's going to be tension, but sometimes it sounds unnatural.

I think that you could put more into the plug-in challenge. That's a big scene and could use more time to build. Going from Parker not losing eye contact with Taylor to Parker sitting in the bathroom with blood running from his hand is a huge leap. If you tighten up your writing, you'll have more room to work with scenes like this.

Use commas between a statement and the name of the person being spoken to. "Taylor, you should turn off the damn TV..."

You lost me when you brought in Good Taylor - who's really evil? The concept here is pretty good. You only get five pages here, though. Tighten up the writing so you can put more into the story.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I think you're going to hear this from a lot of people, the plot of this story came too late. For the first 4 pages we just see an unhappy boy who doesn't like his new stepfather. There was no supernatural feel at all. That just came out of no where. So for me the set up was too long and there wasn't much depth to the characters or their relationship.

The idea is cool but it definitely needs work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow, great ending! That was very well done. Reminded me of an old story where a woman's baby was changed with a demon.

With most dialogue, especially during the argument between Parker and Taylor, you could remove a few words from the ends of the sentences to make it flow better and sound more realistic.

For example: "You were supposed to do some work before you could watch" would sound better as "You were supposed to do some work first". A few tweaks like that should give the argument more emotion, building up to the power cord stabbing (which was very effective). This was really the only problem with your script, but its very important in order for the audience to feel like Parker feels justified in killing Taylor.

Good.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Interesting script, well written, though there were a few punctuation errors and the like. I really don't have too much to pick on beyond that.

I like the title too, especially after finishing the story.

The story was well paced and you have a very clever premise. However, the story doesn't really propel itself into a higher rating from me though.

Best of luck and best regards.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I thought this was gonna be a family drama to the end, but we take a turn into fantasy, or quasi-supernatural on page four with the "new" Taylor a la the little android boy in "A.I."

The ending had me thrown a little, though. I'm thinking that Parker changed his mind and took the Boy up on his offer, making a deal with the Devil, so-to-speak?

In the end, why is Parker by the trunk of his car? Is he going somewhere?

Your screenwriting is good; format overall appears in order; no major typos detected.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

It was a bit confusing towards the end. I think if you put some more detail it may ease the confusion. I think your characters could use a little more depth as well. I just feel a little more expansion will help the script out. Also some foreshadowing may be needed for the sci-fi angle your script takes. To me it almost came out of left field and I feel it may possibly alienate a reader.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow this one was different. I wasn't expecting the last couple of pages. It jumped from being a family 'Lifetime television' drama, to a sci fi story. I think it works, it might be a little too much, too soon. Because you only have five pages, there's not a lot of time to develop the story.

I did enjoy it. The writing was good. A few spelling errors.. my pet peeve .. lol

Peak instead of peek.

Good work!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

The beginning of this was great, but you lost me right when I expected it to get REALLY great -- at the bottom of Page 4. When Parker asks, "God?", and the boy shakes his head, I wasn't sure if that headshake meant yes or no. Or what. But then, when the boy whips out a contract, I figured this must be the devil or something. But what was he after? Souls? He didn't really steal any souls, he just took Taylor's place. And how did that happen? When Parker grabs his head and screams out the pain, is the little boy/demon inside his head somehow? So, he's possessed? Then he goes and lunges at Taylor in the kitchen and then stuffs him in the trunk. And the little boy/demon (with glowing red eyes now) takes Taylor's place. So, does Parker just disappear? It was a little confusing for me. Also, there's a little time discrepancy. Susan is out when all the shenanigans happen. Then she comes home and finds a little-too-nice version of Taylor in his bed. He goes to the window and watches Parker close the trunk on the real Taylor. But...didn't she see them in the driveway when she came home? Or at least the car, so doesn't she wonder where Parker is? Something doesn't quite jive there.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

Okay, I thought this idea was definitely creative and it isn't at all where I thought is story was going to go. The end could have been a little clearer. I wasn't exactly sure what happened after Parker lunged. I kind of got what happened, but wasn't completely sure. The truck part seemed like a necessary addition (which it obviously was), instead of a natural progression of the story.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

This was a pretty good story of a spoiled brat and his step=father I think. It's filled with good dialouge for this story and the descriptions are well done. The story is top notch but I don't think the twist works for me I liked it though.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

A nice twist at the end. I did feel slightly sorry for Taylor. Maybe this is because he wasn't that bad a child or because I didn't feel Parker's frustration. Easily fixed though. The action description was well written, dialogue well executed. I enjoyed it.

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hi there! Ooo, nice! Really liked your script, love the 'devil made me do it'. This script could be the beginning of a Twilight Zone, or even longer for a feature - it's a catchy hook. You have just enough insight to the characters, right down to the wedding picture - awesome detail, great build too. I like to walk away from a script wanting to read more - I'm wondering what that little demon is up too - leaves me guessing - nice work!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Crazy story, you worked in the ending nicely. Not sure if I'm crazy about the title, but hey. You did a good job of crafting the little brat, I've met a kid or two that could use a Louisville to the face. You also did a good job of revealing the circumstances of the situation through the mother. It would have been nice to see a little more of her. Overall the story itself holds up pretty well.

There are a few things to look at. In your first slug line, you've written Monday Morning - how does the viewer know that it's Monday. If the fact that it's Monday matters enough to be a part of the script, it should be revealed during description, such as a calender revealing the date, or a super reading Monday. Same goes for the 15 MINUTES LATER slug on page three. Finally, stick to DAY when its light, NIGHT when it's dark, as opposed to AFTERNOON.

There are a couple of spelling mistakes, but nothing out of control.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Ok what?? You had me up until the last page where it completely falls apart. I have no idea what happened to Taylor and Parker. Are there two of them now? Are they ghosts? Did god replace them? Was it a dream? The ending leaves the reader with way too many unanswered questions.
Also, estranged look? I get what you're trying to convey but that word doesn't work in a script or as a way to describe someones expression. Show not tell.
The story was solid up until the last page.

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

This was a really simple at first then it gets twisted and your orginality shines through. I did like this a lot. I didn't understand what the boys problem was but he's just being I lazy kid I guess.

The visuals here are really tight and the dad wants to connect with his stepson but doesn't know how and suprisingly his wish is granted and not for the best.

This was a good story and I wish it could've kept going on.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Creepy, in a good way. Love the double-meaning title. Was not expecting the way it ended--I thought Parker might say yes to the deal (with the devil) but for some reason I wasn't expecting him to attack him--that would be fun to watch. Great use of visual with the wedding photo instead of using positional dialogue to tell us the backstory. I would be shocked if this doesn't make top 3!

Comments Made After the Contest

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 6:59 AM

I really thought this would fair better this go around. But I see what people are saying about it coming from no where. That's my fault and I would like to re-write this and make it more clear with more "New Taylor." But I just didn;t have the pages.

BTW - Devil comes to answer Parker's prayers...not God :) Which some loved, some hated and some just didn;t know what happened. I hope to clear all this up.

Thanks for all the great comments.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3) ~ 9/2/2009 3:18 AM

Hahahaha, my god, please tell me you were drunk when you had the balls to diss on my screenplay while you entered a weak sauce like this. Stories about little kids are lame as all hell, and look at you, searching for some kind of plot?! My advice as an artist: quit trying to win a moviepoet contest and give us what you've really got. Adults actually enter this contest, you know. You don't have to write an episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?", some of us actually dig mature content. Nothing here was very appealing at all, in the least, in a million years. There was no moral, either. Laughable, even though it's not even a comedy, and that's without even being filmed. If it were a television show, you'd have your audience falling out of their seats. Pathetic as all hell. Daring as a waterslide. Get it out of my face, welcome to the real world. I'd thought you'd match my caliber after your review, mine were very kind last month, but not yours. In all honesty, you didn't trump my entry. I'd give you credit if you did, you can believe that. Sh*t, I've got dogs with red eyes, little kids are no match for heavily armed junkies when it comes to horror.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 9/2/2009 3:56 AM

Damn

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 9/2/2009 4:10 AM

Well then, I guess that takes care of him.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 9/2/2009 7:08 AM

Yeah....good comments. Peter I commeneted over on yours...take your stuff somewhere else if you can't handle the chance of someone not enjoying your script.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2009 7:20 AM

Just stopping by to say, Rich, that this is one of your better works. I'm confused there was confusion. I laughed because I enjoyed your dark sense of humor. The attack on Taylor would make a great PANG and jolt the audience. It's refreshing having a script with an ironic ending.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2009 9:23 AM

Oh, I must have missed the mysterious horror award out last month.

Speaking of horror, Peter's rant is rather horrible above. So sorry you had to get the brunt of that outburst, Rich. Don't let it get to you. Keep your chin up.

It speaks volumes about the person who wrote it, and nothing about your work.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 9/22/2009 1:03 PM

Well I did the re-write today. It's double in size and I hope I cleared up any issues with what happens at the end. If anyone reads it please let me know if it is better or worse :) - Except Peter, of course. Anything I write won;t live up to his standards.

Thanks,
Rich

Galen Westerfield (Level 2) ~ 9/24/2009 5:28 PM

This reminds me very much of a Calvin and Hobbes comic in which he creates a good duplicate do clean his room and do all his work. I think this would have been a bit better if there had been some sort of confrontation between the two Taylors or had the mom recognize that the boy really wasn't her son and create the confrontation there. Ultimately deeds are more than words so it seems somewhat in-congruent with the sinister characterization of the second Taylor that he should do nothing and act is actually carried out by Parker. The story has potential but the seems of the storyline don't congeal in a satisfying manner and should be reworked somewhat.