Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Fear of fire I really liked it alot of imagery that wasnt overdone and added to the story. Dialogue was a little on the nose at the beginning and the Here, Here's should have been actual dialogue. Otherwise I think a very solid script that I could easily see on the screen.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

The dialogue is excellent. I loved the rapid-fire bantering among the knights at the beginning. It's interesting -- my script has a dragon too. What are the odds?

I think the action could be better. I say this because, in spite of the inherent drama in the situation, I found my mind wandering during the battle with the dragon. I would suggest shorter action lines to suggest the breathless quality of the battle itself. Overall, a very nice job.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Great job of establishing the setting. The dialogue of the knights sounded very real. Satisfying buildup and conclusion. Well done.

Beth Overmyer (Level 1)

I had trouble finding much wrong with this, so I'm forced to be nit-picky.

1. It is "Hear, hear!" not "Here, here!"...I believe
2. I don't believe you need to list all of the weapons that the knights are setting on the table. I'd leave it up to the director's intelligence to know what a knight would carry.
3. You have the dragon catching the thatch on fire twice ;)

I was going to comment on Spencer not having more lines, but I think that helped establish character (meekness). I would like to know, though, where he found his courage in the end. I thought first of pride, a desire to prove the knights wrong about his phobia. But he didn't make any excuses for himself when they were taunting him. Maybe something to think about.

Overall, great work.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was really good. Well written, entertaining & engaging story, well formatted. The only thing I thought it lacked was some sort of punch at the end, but all in all a very good job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Spencer Williamson, as a name, doesn't seem very medieval, but then, what do I know?

"Spencer stands back to look at his work, not in admiration, but to make sure it is perfect" - best to show things like this in his actions, rather than TELL us.

It doesn't bother me personally, but it's worth knowing that if a script is to be bought it's best to have as few speaking parts as possible, for budgetary reasons, so your #6 knights will not help your quest!

HERE HERE is actually HEAR HEAR!

The phobia was a very inconsequential part of this story - hardly relevant really, so light was the touch.

I DID enjoy this though, a lovely tale, and I liked the bit about the corners of the table being burnt off to make it round.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was very clever - a man afraid of fire, faced with a dragon.

This was a very fun read. Spencer was a great character. My only suggestion would be to find a more visual way to demonstrate his fear (at the very beginning), instead of having the Knight say it out loud.

Lastly, I loved the ending with the square table burnt round.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

A good, complete story. The dragon encounter was suspenseful and easy to follow along. It was a bit simple, easy for Spencer to overcome his fear by reacting rather than by his choosing to act on the fear. Good dialogue for the times.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Great authenticity, and action. This is one of the best I've read.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Very descriptive an well written.

My spoiler would be the lack of a phobia. It did not sense Spencer's fear.

This short would make a grat fantasy for a would be Valiant Knight.

I take nothing away from the formatting and story line.
Great effort.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

A truly blazing battle, well described. I always like the Knight’s era in history.

Jason Goldstein (Level 2)

I liked the story, a boy afraid of fire must face a fire breathing dragon, although I think fighting a dragon, with or without fire would be pretty terrifying. I really liked the last 3 pages, nice visuals and action. I also liked the dialogue, although I'd admit it took me longer to get through the script because of it.

Jonathon Terry (Level 3)

This was an amazing read! You got everything perfect!

It's tough to do a period piece, especially in only 5 pages. It's good to see someone pull out all the stops for this challenge. You created a beautifully epic story that really rivals a lot of the movies out today.

It's great to finally see how we got the "round table." ;)

Jonathan

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

Great ending, and a likable protagonist. Good job!

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I like the Spencer character and his thrust into greatness. It's a nice conceit that the square table becomes round. Unfortunately, I missed the phobia. I thought he was just very protective of his table! I thought Spencer stepped back from the torches because, well, I would too if someone waved a torch at me. It was a little unclear that the fire itself was a phobia of his, and that's needed for the rest of the story. Once that's established, the story is very good.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Overall the script was written quite well. Though I believe when all the knights say, "Here! Here!", that should have been in the form of dialog. That seems to be the only formatting error I picked up on.

I think you also did a very nice job with the description. And the script itself moves along very nicely.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I’d be quite surprised if this one doesn’t make it to the top three. The protagonist’s worst fear is quickly established and then he’s force to confront it. I really can’t think of a better recipe for conflict that could be possibly milked out of a phobia script.

The (not bad) but weakest part of this script was the beginning where the reader is fed the necessary exposition through extras’ dialogue lines, while a passive protagonist just listens to them. Felt almost like a play.

But then the conflict kicks in, the protagonist assumes the sympathetic “easy to root for” role of the underdog/unlikely hero, and battles his worst fear in a fast paced action sequence, filled with great visuals and even better descriptions.

Good choice of time and location, since the medieval setting proved to be organic to this story. It allowed you to make your character face nothing less than a dragon; something much more interesting than an ordinary fire.

The ending is just the obvious aftermath of the main conflict’s resolution, but it’s adequate.

Thanks for the good read. Good luck!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Good work! Spot on for style.

The only problem I had with this script was that I don't think you showed his fear enough. I mean the way he behaved with the dragon was exactly the way I would expect any inexperienced dragon slayer would act. I didn't see his fear come into play.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

This works really well in that Spencer has a fear of fire and is forced to face a fire-breathing dragon. The action sequences well clearly described and I never felt myself lost as to what was going on. The dialogue was also really well suited to the time and place and I liked the use of the V.O. at the end to give Spencer the idea of how to defeat the dragon. My biggest concern is that Spencer's call to quest doesn't come until almost the bottom of page 3, so the story did seem a bit unbalanced as a result, but otherwise quite good!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was a fun and enjoyable read.

Only wish you had given the knights names rather than just a number.

So, what's the name for fear of dragons? ;-)

Great job

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Loved this! Very well-crafted opening with the table, Spencer and the Knights. In very little time established quite a bit of backstory and foreshadowing. Not an easy task. Spencer was a great character that completes his arc and confronts his phobia. Terrific response to the challenge. The action sequences were extremely well laid out. A very visual and fun script to read. Love the closing line. I honestly can't think of a suggestion to improve this. One of my top three scripts this month.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I enjoyed this story. I thought your storytelling was excellent. Not too wordy, yet very descriptive. The story flowed well with a clear beginning, middle, and end. A dangerous villain and unlikely hero usually make for a great story.

I wasn't tripped up during the reading at all.

I liked the Knights' dialog. It really felt like I was in the room.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Your use of puns in this script was very good.

I like the subtle blink and you miss it reference like the "round table" at the end. Knights and round tables were made for each other in literary references.

I think the battle with the dragon had a back and forth pace established and it seemed like a video game, where Spencer has to go from point A to point B while the Dragon keeps doing his inhale exhale bit. And the flashback cue seemed to be right on time. Maybe he can figure out a more clever means to cause the dragon's demise.

Your dialogs are very good and your descriptions though lengthy set the mood very well.

Good job.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought this was a well written script. The dialog flowed, story paced well, the action was steady and discriptions well written. Great job and a great read. Loved the "round table."

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Liked the twist at the end, though that's gotta be one small round table...

A lot of the dialogue is a little too "on the nose..." Example:

KNIGHT #6
Son of William, overcome this
irrational fear of yours. For
it has plagued you from your
youth.

But, overall I liked it. Nice story.

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

Not bad. I like the round table at the end. It has a mini-structure, which I like, even if it is a little predictable. This whole fairy-tale-type theme is really popular in this competition lately.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

Your script was well written with very few weak points, although this type of stories doesn't usually interest me, you grasped my attention. Great job!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This would be fun to watch. The desriptive writing could go for a trimming as it did get weary to read at times. Many sentences could have been combined to tighten them up. I would have preferred watching him combat his phobia rather than the dragon, unless you change it to make the dragon his phobia, otherwise the question remains: How does slaying a dragon help him overcome his fear of marring the furniture? Still, an exciting piece.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I liked this script a lot. I got a little tired of the inverted sentences. I know you were trying to "past tense" your dialog - and in the main you succeeded in doing that. The narrative is clear and exciting. Everything moves along nicely. However - and that is always a pain to a writer - your phobia is rather vague - a fear of dragons? I'm not sure you hit the assignment on the head with this very good script.

Comments Made After the Contest

Randy Bigger (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2007 12:33 AM

Well, Spencer's phobia is a fear of fire, and it did not come across strong enough for it was mentioned quite a bit (even though I had the Knight say what Spencer's fear is). The fun part is that for about 4 years now I've had this idea of how the round table was created for Knights, a dragon breathes fire on a Knight with a round shield over his head. So when this theme came up, I tried to tie the two together and had fun doing it. Thanks all.

And yes, Aimee, I laughed when I read yours, thinking about mine and the odds.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2007 12:47 AM

Congratulations on third place. This was a fun script and a great read.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2007 5:56 AM

I'm reading through everyone's comments on all the scripts and I'm surprised by how many people were confused by what the phobias were, then I get to the reviews for Randy's script and I realize that I too missed one. I just re-read this script and I'll say it is more obvious now, but still there was so much attention given to Spencer's worry of the table being marred, and his backing away from the torch seemed normal, as did the fear of the fire from the dragon. Everybody is afraid of getting burned so the fear of fire wasn't evident to me. The Knight mentions A fear, but not THE fear. Even at the end a Knight says it looks like Spencer defeated his fear, and then we see a shield lying on the table. See what I was thinking? Great job!

Tom Shipley (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2007 6:56 AM

I thought his fear of fire was very clear, maybe even too on the nose. Go figure...

Congrats Randy.

Randy Bigger (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2007 10:07 AM

Easy to see how the phobia was not as pronounced for some and I can see all the points made, especially the care of Spencer about the table. A carpenter's reaction to getting his worked trashed is the same reaction most poeple would have to moving away from a torch. I could have played up the torch, distance, etc., Spencer could have "cowered" from the torch, simple words to dial it in. I also tried to expound on the fear of fire by having the Knight explain fire. And this Knight who did most of the talking is a fatherly sort to Spencer, that's why he talks the way he does. I don't see the on nose dialogue when framed this way. He could say such a thing if he's known Spencer from his youth.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2007 11:37 AM

I'm happy that this one claimed a top spot. It was my favourite along with the winner. Good job, Randy.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 9/3/2007 9:52 PM

Congrats, Randy! Well done.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 9/5/2007 5:03 PM

Forgot to congratulate you... so Congratulations!!!

I really enjoyed reading it. :-)

Randy Bigger (Level 4) ~ 9/5/2007 5:22 PM

Thank you, thank you all (bows). Just throw money.