Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

I think this is a fun kid's story. There's a lot of adventure. It's a bit hard for me to judge this because it's an unfamiliar genre for me. Gems and jewels and swords and pirates just seem a little obvious to me. I don't really see this as a new take on a kid's story, but there was nothing wrong with it on the other hand; just a middle of the road kid's story.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This was great. Reminds me the Narnia stories. Would make a beautiful film albeit a very expensive one with all those special effects. The action is written beautifully, almost like reading a story book yet not so ornate that it has more than it needs. The only fault I can see with it is that the last line seems a little forced. It feels like Grandma Lizzy should be smiling too when Parker closes the trunk.
I really like the alternate world you have created and the idea of a monster that can turn boy parts into jewels is genius.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

A freaking part 4, seriously. I don't remember part 1,2, or 3?

Hah, this shows an amazing amount of creativity. I liked it. You have to work on polishing your writing and trimming where you can, but this was great.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

What an awesome little mini-adventure tale.

Great characters. Brilliant dialogue. Tons of fun.

About the only thing I don't love is the title, but that is a very small complaint in an otherwise stellar tale.

David Birch (Level 5)

certainly one of the better crafted pieces in a while...story was very visual, but suffered from being part of a sequence...not enough back story...but everything else was done really well...thanks...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The writer has a vivid imagination and an excellent graps of the SP format. Though this is not my kind of SP, it held my attention.

Your writing is very active, however I would suggest to work more on this. One way to make your writing more active, is to eliminate as many IS and AREs as you can. Example: "Its clasp is a ring of bronze with strange markings set around a disk of black obsidian." Consider instead: "Its clasp, a ring of bronze, strange markings set around a disk of black obsidian."

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I enjoyed this very inventive script! I BELIEVE in Hocknot, his magic, and his terrible little world. Good job. The kids were realistic, and the ending satisfying, although a little predictable once we knew a girl had visited Hocknot's world before. I loved the action at the beginning before Hocknot emerges from the trunk. The title was very fun. Some of the action could have been tightened up a bit. "Peter BEGINS to move", brought me out of the scene. Generally people don't need to "begin to" or "start to" do the action (unless the point is the action is interrupted.)

Jay Simms (Level 3)

That was a good story and very well written. But the ending, last two lines didn't fit in well. And that was a must for the contest, it seemed like they were just added to a story already written. Other than that, it was really good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Excellent!
The end was a perfect fit unlike make of the others.
I was engaged throughout and was able to see both sides of Grandma.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I thought this was excellently written. I loved the title, the creativity as well as the combination of pirate/myth/folklore with present day. Awesome job!

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Young brother Parker (14) and sister Taylor (10) emerge for a magic fantasy trunk into a dusty attic. They have stolen a sack of jewels from beings perusing them still in the trunk. Before they can close and lock the lid a horrible toad like horror show emerges, and taunts and threatens little Taylor. Parker manages to get hold of a sword and the horrible Hocknot and he fights well until tricked and forced to surrender. Magically the children’s Grandmother comes to their rescue. Without raising a finger the evil Hocknot is defeated and instantly gives up the jewels. The Children swear to obey their Grandmother and the trunk will be off limits.

There is no question the evil antagonist is defeated by the magical Granny. It’s not clear to me who the protagonist is but my bet at the moment of writing this is Parker. He seems to grow through the experience the most and is martyred and returns wiser than he was.

Wonderful idea of opening your story with that attic scene from an earlier contest. You made it work perfectly and logically. You’ve packed this five short pages with appropriate dialog, motion, color, drama and non-stop action. Amazing piece of compelling work. The imagery and the morphing of sadistic gouging of eyes and hearts into jewels was an stupendous invention. Your whole script is a confection for the eyes.

The title is delicious too!

This should make a gorgeous small cast film at a small production cost.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was some really amazing writing. Had to go at it twice to make sure I wasn't reading a novel. Your descriptives are amazing and the action was really well crafted and planned out, right up to ol' Mad Lizzie's entry, cutlass in hand...Awesome!

This would make for a fantastic film. I can imagine it being divided into small chapters, each entitled as you did above. The Gemstones being the hearts of Hocknot's defeated enemies is a powerful line that can be used to shape the stories to come.

Excellent work, flawlessly executed and well deserved of a proper placement. Cheers!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

How do 2 SCRIPTS start with the same first line that I've already seen on this site How. Not only that but why do they all start in an attic. That is really odd to me. You do alot of what I like to call MoJo Jojo Talk. You say something and then you repeat it in your last line. Also the title is Awful part 4 of whaaaat??? Thick thick paragraphs that don't really let the story flow and like I said that first line is way to common in this contest. Come on trim the fat don't elaborate trust that we are all smart enough to know what you are showing us. Also remember we are all giving our time to you to read and review your script. I just don't care for talkative scripts tweak and cut before you submit. There are 40 something shorts but what if this were a feature contest you got to make it lean and learn to say what you have to say in 1-3 lines and no more. No complaints on format, for me this was a nice idea but it is overwritten dialogue and action lines. Make it lean so we can see the beauty of the script. I'm guessing that not much folks will point out the dialogue calling by name long speeches. It was good for me but it can use some work and that you called it part 4 where are part 1-3. Those were what I thought could have been done better. The characters are great in this and really shine through for me. Now that is what makes this great for me I give it a very good but I think I may change to an excellent I can see what's going on. I can't take points for something that happens to appear on another script which could be a coincidence but I did read one with a similar start from The Attic contest.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The Obsidian Key Part 4 - does it come in parts? I wonder if I'm missing something - referring to part 4 bit.

This entry is fun! I can imagine it on screen, little animated movie, a sequence - Hocknot versus the children.

I'd like it more if "crazy Lizzie" didn't know about Hocknot, though. Or at least she could let the children think that she doesn't know. Hope it makes sense to you. The children think that she doesn't know, but in the end we learn that she does and she's been fighting Hocknot all her life (or something in this sense).

--Just a thought though. Enjoyed your script! Very well written too.

And I get the title too:)

KP Mackie (Level 5)

An original, enjoyable story in an attic. Good description. Lots of details. Lots of action.
Taylor and Parker's secondary roles done well. Hocknot is terrific. Visual, with a distinct voice.
Could sense Grandma's appearance coming, and that's okay. Again, a distinct voice. Well done.
Did find it necessary to reread the opening scene a couple times. Not entirely clear right off that the kids are inside the trunk and climbing out. The details are really good, but so much early on was a tad confusing.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title has me laughing immediately. Part 4? Awesome.

Oh, wait, now that I'm reading this, are there really other parts to this story?

Hocknot's first dialogue seemed contrived to engineer a showdown in which the kids can win. Of course Hocknot would want his crew to back him up, otherwise he's one against two! What self-respecting villain would intentionally create a situation in which he's bound to lose?

Hocknot seems rather caricatured. Perhaps that's intentional. His line about showing her mercy because she's shown spirit, reminds him, etc., has been done time and again. And every time it sounds inauthentic. A bad guy is a bad guy. None of this "mercy because you remind me of" stuff exists in the real world, not if Hocknot lives in the real world, and if Hocknot has real wants and desires.

Parker yells "No!" just to let Hocknot have time to turn around and stop him. That's been done before, as well. Parker, just slice Hocknot up! No need to get his attention first. It's transparent as a plot device.

Page 4 seemed a little late for all that exposition.

Hocknot backed down far too easily. Of course, the clues why were obvious enough. But the small amount of tension that had been created just vanished right there! That could have been milked out.

Laurie Paulin (Level 2)

Although this genre is not my cup-of-tea, this script had a lot going for it - drama, conflict and tension in spades. It would appear that by the "part 4" that you wish to present this as part of a bigger script? If so, then it's good to see that you can present just part of it and have it stand up as a short script in it's own right.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

Love the opening of this script. It paints a vivid picture. Everything is great about this story, dialogue, plot, pace.

This is a wonderful adventure tale. So much good stuff happening in only five pages. And the lead character doesn't end up in the trunk.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Okay. I'm on page two and found one error so far. "...where Taylor had lay..." wrong tense.

Don't use underlining.

I love this. I absolutely love it.

Excellent work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Whoa. I loved it. What a freakin imagination. I envy people who can write fantasy/adventure type stories like that.

"Obsidian"...the only reason I know what that is, is from the CoWrite project. LOL...were you involved in that I wonder...

Anyway, I could have kept reading and reading. I really wanted more and that's rare in these 5 pagers. You created a great atmosphere, cool characters and amazing tension/suspense. The whole thing moved so quickly. Your writing is expert.

I have over 30 entries left to read but I'll be shocked if another one wows me like this...I'm not easily wowed. EXCELLENT job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the title, but it might be too intimidating for some people to read/watch it.

Really good story. I liked how it all played out in the attic, with only the few fantasy elements intruding. I often say that the best fantasy is always grounded in a familiar reality. The character of Hocknot was good, as is the way he reveals how he made all those precious stones. Quite scary, actually.

The ending was very good as well, the hidden backstory not important but fun to see the effects of.

Very good.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

The Obsidian Key Part 4: Hocknot's LooT" has to be the longest title of the contest by the way is entertaing and intense throughout. What moves this along is this writers creativity in describing actions and the desc. here are made plain the readers to understand. It's a good story.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

That's quite a title you have there, which I'm sure you'll hear a little about. First thing I thought, "Gee, do I need to read the first three parts?"

The first time this month I read a script with the trunk in the attic, I thought it was great- very creative and inventive. Five times later, it looks as if a few people had the same idea. But, kudos for tying this in with a previous MoviePoet contest.

This fantasy story is very ambitious, perhaps a little too much so for a five page short, and doesn't make for an easy or fast read overall. There's fun characters and visuals, but again, we jump right into all this and it's a lot to digest.

Your screenwriting is a bit bulky. Slim down the narrative paragraphs. Only relay, in the minimum amount of words necessary, what is needed to forward your plot.

Format appears okay; didn't detect any major typos.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

Consistently entertaining, wholesome, positive, although not very appealing to my individual taste. A few things could have been worded differently, something that strikes me is the fact that you mention "The attic..." after your location is already established in the slugline. There are other instances too where a word here and there could be chopped. Didn't notice any mispellings or formatting errors to speak of, good job!

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I really enjoyed reading this one. So visual and entertaining for the most part. The ending I thought was disappointing from when Lizzie came in and they just ran off. I get why...just too quick in my eyes especially from the build up of the "girl" that left the scare. Would think Lizzie and the toad guy would've had a fight instead of the toad just recoiling in fear. But still a great read.

Formatting you were spot on and I have no complaints there.

Nice work and good luck to you this month.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was a really neat story. The plot is probablly the strongest aspect of your story. It was really good and epic. The antagonist was great. Easily your best character and I think your dialogue for him was amazing. The one thing I could say that needed improvement was your final line, it just felt kind of forced and obvious. Other than that though, it was really good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Hmmmm very nice. I liked this a lot. I enjoyed the writing style, it's to the point and very descriptive without being too much.

LONG title, I would consider changing it. Maybe it's part of a series? It would seem so from the title.

Anyway, well done. I would like to read more of this 'series'. It's intriquing. The characters were good, esp Hockknot. Also it was nice to bring in Grandma, there are not enough decent roles for older women, and so this would be a juicy one for an older actress.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a really good "part of a story," but not a complete story in itself. (But, given the title, I guess you know that.) This little chunk of the story is very well written, and the whole screenplay (Parts 1 through whatever) is probably terrific, but this section by itself doesn't really stand on its own. It's a middle in search of a beginning and an end. It's good, though. Great dialogue. Great characters. It just needs more story.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Good script. The writing was impeccable but I absolutely loathe the title. Why does this have to be part four? I found it kind of absurd.

Other than that this thing flowed rather well and made for a great read. You've got the script writing process down and it's plainly evident to anyone who reads.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

" The Obsidian Key Part 4: Hocknot's Loot" is a good yet long title that works. Maybe this could be a franchise for teenie boppers.

I enjoyed the creativity that went into coming up with this really well written story. Filled with some clunks of description but I give that a pass.

These two Parker and Taylor are really cool. I liked them right away. Also a job well done by this writer.

Keep up the good work.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Not my cup of tea for a story. Having said that, the writing was good. It did, however, feel over written in spots. And the story did not follow as well as it could have. For me it was good.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

Man, I'm depressed at my own imagination. I really enjoyed it, admire you courage and originality. The Hocknot's character was well realised and very Scottish. I take it that was intentional. His dialogue was excellent.

Your writing is generally strong and vivid, if a little wordy in places. I did have to read it a few times to understand it, just though losing the plot in all the heavy description. You'd write a good novel. Nice title as well.:)

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hi there! Love the story! Very fast paced, packed with action. I'm suffering overkill with the Taylor/Parker names from the other stories, then your script came along like an unexpected gift. The concept was spot on for a Disney story, adventure, a unique villain, unlikely hero with Grandma - awesome! The only thing that stood out for me was the key part - Taylor spots the key and grabs it - from where does she grab it? The floor? I know you wrote she was looking for the key within a stash of gems, but I'm still not crystal clear with that line, doesn't sit well with me on a visual aspect. Other than that, a wonderful story! Excellent imagination!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

First things first; amazing title. I actually went temporarily blind after reading it. That's how awesome it is.

Now, on to the script itself. If I were to write something under this title, it would be some obscenely ridiculous comedy based in an imaginary fantasy world. That said, your script is far more literal than I expected. Irregardless, it was a great read! The story was fun, engaging, and dark in that delightful way only children truly understand. I saw no formatting, spelling or grammatical errors. It was a treat to read, especially since I just trudged my way through a poor. Great job!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This was FREAKING EXCELLENT !!!! Better than that. Ultra MEGA Excellent.

Cannot wait to see who wrote this. The bar is set impossibly high now.

You are a fine writer.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was a good little story. I'm well aware of the limitations of the month's contest, but in this case, the last two lines seemed a bit sudden and tacked on. There's no context earlier in the script for sleep, or even for it being at night and past the children's bedtime. If you could have worked in something like that, or even used the phrase "try to get some..." in earlier dialogue, I think it would have worked better. In general, a good story and easy to picture. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:01 AM

Congratulations Micah! I will read this and post feedback in the next few days.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:02 AM

Loved, loved, loved, loved this. Congrats on an awesome piece of work. :)

David Birch (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:05 AM

two thumbs up!!!congrats...

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:09 AM

Hi, honey! Congratulations! You're one of the writers whose style I so admire. I'd say it's genetic, but...

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2009 12:15 AM

I loved this script and I'm so happy to see it win. Congratulations!

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 12:27 AM

Awesome job Micah!

Never seen a script scored that high since I've joined.

Sorry I didn't get a chance to review it but can't wait to check it out.

Big congrats!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2009 12:38 AM

Awesome those are huge huge HUGE scores. Very well done!!!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 12:42 AM

Great job, I loved this one, especially the title (as my comment my hint at). Congratulations!

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 1:23 AM

All right... just read it. Awesome work Micah. Visuals were amazing. Dialogue was witty and fun. Such a smooth read too. Never once did my mind stray from the world of the story. Worthy of all the great scores. Congrats again.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2009 1:27 AM

Micah!!!

Look what I wrote. I KNEW this one was going to win. I wrote in a separate thread that I knew which one it was and I was right!!!

This was just awesome. Congratulations!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 8:29 AM

This was one of my excellents that actually made it! Yippee!! You've got a great imagination and that's one thing you can't learn from a book.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 2:07 PM

I never got a chance to review this one. Great read.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 4:28 PM

This was an awesomely written piece. Cheers to you.

Micah Ricke (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 4:51 PM

I appreciate and accept the critisisms and humbly thank you for the wonderful words of praise and encouragement.

I have to give my kids some credit for this. They critiqued the story along the way and came up with some very clever ideas. And yes, it is basically a scene from a feature length story I'm working on, which I hinted at with the title.

I do conceed that I tend to get a bit long-winded and I'm trying to remedy that.

I recieved some more good news today... THE NAUGHTY LIST has made the top 10 in the PAGE AWARDS.

Micah Ricke (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 4:53 PM

Sheesh... I hit 'submit' too quickly... poor spelling.

concede

received

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 5:25 PM

Well done...I enjoyed your script.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/10/2009 5:41 PM

Micah, sorry I didn't get to this during the contest. I thought this was very well done. Creative, descriptive and creepy in a fairy tale sort of way. I do think it could be tightened up a bit, but overall this is a fun read. I would have given this a Very Good. Nice job and congrats again on the win!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 10/17/2009 5:22 AM

I loved the writing. It did read more like a novel than a script but hey, it got my attention. I LOVED the way hocknot backed down to Lizzie. It made complete sense. She;s old therefore they probably had countless of battles, and he always got his butt kicked, so he shows respect. I thought Lizzie was going to have a missing eye. That would of been cool.