Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

This is disappointing especially because the setup was so good. I liked the first few beats a lot with the dog and the ex-husband. But to turn it into a sort of action film all of a sudden I think was a poor choice. I would have liked to see some real human dialogue and conflict instead of this hyperbolic situation with a snuff film. This could have simply been about a small conflict between an ex-husband ex-wife wife - a small twist - it didn't need to be over-the-top like this - and it would have been funnier to keep it lighter and more subtle.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

A bit disconcerning and creepy at the end and I mean that in the best possible way. he story starts simple enough, separated couple argues, the characters and dialogue are believable and the action sets the setting well. Then the mysterious hypnotic comes in and we are not 100% sure what happened but it works.
There are a few typos, mostly things that need to be capitalized such as Harry's name.
When Taylor leaves and bumps into Parker on the street you need to change the heading to show that.

Ashley White (Level 3)

You had quite a bit of typos in the story. Lots of misspellings. Honestly, I didn't get it. I am not completely sure what happened here. I am sure that you know what happenend and I would recommend writing this a little clearer. A few questions that you might address in your script: How had she seen the Brookstone shoes before? Why would anyone who found a snuff film contact the actors in it? Snuff films are films of people killing other people. Keep working at it.

Cameron Mitchell (Level 1)

This one made very little sense to me. A woman sees her estranged husband murdered in front of her and then climbs into the trunk of the asassin's car? I read this a couple times to see if there was something I missed, but I couldn't spot anything.

When Bob tells Taylor that he found a snuff film(sort of), her reaction isn't very believable. She just ignores it like Bob mentioned the score of a baseball game or something. When she runs into Parker outside, she mentions the Brookstone shoes she had seen before. I didn't get this reference either.

So, apparently Parker was the man in the snuff film and kills Bob for the film. But why does Taylor react in the way she does? Just bending down and petting and her dog? And then climbing into the trunk with the dog and smiling? Sorry, way too many unanswered questions in this one.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Why did you not start with a title page and a fade out instead? My average score has been higher than everyone elses, so I'm giving you a terrible score, sorry but that's how the cookie crumbles.

Ok you used the word 'is' followed by a word ending in 'ing', terrible form I tell ya. Really though you should avoid these, because they make your work slow and less interesting.
Double-space before your scene headings it makes it easier to read.
Why have two Bob dialogs back to back with a continued none the less.
Not the Houdini fetish again!
Good Job

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I'm not sure I fully understood this script.

It starts kind of slow with the dog walking (do we even need that scene). The argument at the theater is much more interesting and intriguing. But then the arrival of Parker, the murder of Bob, and the kidnapping of Taylor, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why does Taylor smile at the end. Maybe I missed something, but in the end, I just felt confused.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was okay for me. There were a few spelling and format errors here and there, but nothing too bad. One that that stuck out for me was TAYLOR'S dialogue was a bit stiff and on the nose. I'd use more contractions in the dialogue to make it a bit more realistic. JHMO...

Overall, the story was fine, just a bit predictable.

David Birch (Level 5)

some formatting irregularities to mention..."fade out" at the beginning really looked out of place...don't need to put the name of the dog in CAPS since the dog doesn't have any lines of dialog..."Harry runs barking after parker,"...should read Parker..."taylor climbs" is disjointed...anyway, the story does have some intriguing points to it...the dog didn't really add a whole lot to the drama...but, there were some things to build upon...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Proofreading outloud will help you catch errors such as the following: "An attractive blonde woman, TAYLOR is walking her Pitbull HARRY, when THE HE stops and hovers around one spot."

Also, using the same sentence as an example, try to rewrite sentences which use the word IS. This will make your writing more active.

So consider: "TAYLOR, an attractive blonde walks HARRY, her Pitbull. He stops, hovers around one spot."

"Harry starts to get a little reluctant to walk..." Either he IS relucant or he's NOT reluctant. Don't know how you film STARTS TO GET RELUCTANT.

When writing numbers in dialogue, always write them out fully, unless the number is a date. Example: "You already did that for 5 years of my life." Should be FIVE YEARS...

"BOB Why can't you just once believe in me. BOB (CONT'D) Well I made a call this morning..." Not sure why you have his dialogue split into two sections.

"I cant explain it." Apostraphre is missing in the word CAN'T.

Again, proofread for problems like this: "Taylor c
limbs in the roomy trunk still in a daze."

Jay Simms (Level 3)

That story was not very believable and didn't make much sense to me. Taylor has a dog and ask the dog, what have THEY been feeding you? Who is they? It sounded to me like the dog was a kid, but then was changed. A couple shares custody of a dog. Some spelling mistakes and formatting errors.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Pg 1 capitalize God and Harry.

Pg 2 should be "I couldn't care less".

Pg 4 capitalize Parker.

Obvious extra line at the end.

Other than those small grammatical errors, I thought it was good.
Dialogue was believable and characters were engaging.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Right off the top you showed me what kind of a a blonde bitchy woman Taylor who is not scooping Harry’s poop off the streets of New York City. This is almost like kicking the dog. It shows the essence of the person’s character. That dumb boob Bob is actually the most likeable human in the cast. But Harry wins the most likable character, paws down. Annoying typos and spellings are shot gunned sprayed through your screenplay.

Wonderful concept, creative idea that just sort of stalled, I wish I could be more constructive. Maybe when I return I shall be sufficiently refreshed and be able to offer more positive comments. Fair and maybe better, we shall see.

John Crede (Level 1)

I really did enjoy this script, I felt that it was good with a nice twist at the end. I also felt that this writing was fairly smooth, all through I felt that it was a little confusing in the beginning, but that did not last long at all. I felt that you did a good job showing the tension between Taylor and Bob. The mysterious nature of Parker was also a nice touch.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The events in this script are as bizarre as the contents of the film reel that Bob was trying to sell. A tumultous relationship that ended on a sour note for both parties, with no explanation other than it has to do with the sinister film Bob found and the Houdini family wanting it to be maintained in secrecy.

Why Taylor complied with the killer with such a lack of resolve after what happened to her ex is unexplainable. Yeah she hated him, but I doubt that she could not have attracted enough attention in a manhattan morning and attempted to escape. Also, there are several small errors in punctuation and grammar that need looking after, so I suggest proofreading at least twice before submission. The writing was not bad and the script does show potential, so keep at it.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Character: Taylor, I hate. and I wonder if I'm supposed to hate her because she sounds like a nagging maid because she talks too much. I kind of hate her ex too. I just feel like there is too much things that don't flow about these characters like dialogue. Remember show us why we should care in the last contest I showed what was happening but I also told or gave hints to certain things you need to practice being subtle. Women are masters of subtlety so taylor doesn't sound like a woman she sounds like a jilted man.


Story:This story is all over the place and I'm not even sure how this ends or if its an ending. Weird and scattered Houdini huh.... I know magician story but you slow down the story by trying to tell us every detail. There are too many characters, who is Parker, Bob. Cmon. I got excited when you introduced the dog but you didn't do much with it. I'm afraid I'm supposed to know some history to know all about this. Another thing is I don't know what the genre is.



Format: Read other scripts on here for formatting guidelines. Use title page and don't use contest name that's kind of tacky. Keep writing and make sure to put characters in caps even the bulldog. For me if it lives and breathes. CAP it. You don't have to give it a name but they are still characters so make sure you do that. Economy make sure you can get through it in 5 mins and nothing bores you. Remember this needs to be entertaining. Fair. Formatting mistakes are littered througout.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's an interesting story.

I had my reservations though.

It seems rushed - you left Fade Out at the top of your first page and also did not capitalize Harry in one instance.

I think this sentence "With a bit of fear Taylor takes a step back but with a slight touch from Parker on her hand" definitely needs to be reworded. I'm thinking that a large part of Bob and Taylor's conversation could be cut and still convey all the intended info.

Parker and Taylor's relationship/acquaintance seems rushed and a bit unbelievable.

And then why should Taylor sleep in a trunk? She became a street performer and living on wheels?

KP Mackie (Level 5)

So much going on in this story. Probably would have been a little less confusing if it could have been longer than five pages.
Starts off with an interesting setup, a woman and a pit bull in a park. If the park is New York's Central Park, adding the city name would help with the visual.
Didn't understand why Taylor doesn't seem to recognize Parker, yet at the end he comments about them working together. The tie-in with Houdini wasn't clear.
What is the importance of the Brookstone shoes?

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'd encourage you to keep character names out of your title.

I think you're referencing the contest, but, honestly, the top of your first page is remarkably confusing. "Fade Out. Fade In." There's no need to mention the contest name.

You're missing the "EXT." from your very first slugline. Not a good way to begin a script. It doesn't look professional.

The script is very wordy. Every action paragraph could be much shorter, yet keep the same ideas.

I'm noticing a lot of grammatical and other errors. Too many to point out. One tip in particular: never use the word "starts". Just say what the character does.

Bob has back-to-back dialogues on page 2. That's a no-no.

I'm not sure quite what to make of your story. It's got misdirection and surprises and unexplained backstory and twists, but I'm not sure what purpose the story serves, what moral I'm to be left with when it's all said and done.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm not getting this story... There's a lot going on. Maybe too much for a five pager...

You've got the dog pooping, the shared custody of the dog that requires the divorced couple to continue a relationship, a mysterious Parker Stevens who can hypnotize you with a touch of his hand and may have some relationship with Houdini, Taylor finding out she's been watched, a snuff film, an old theater-turned-home, a bullet through the brain...

Phew!

As a short it needs to be focused on something. As it is, it wants a lot more room to grow. The premise would make a pretty good feature length.

The dialogue needs work. It doesn't always sound natural. People talk in contractions and don't always finish every sentence. You've got some of Bob's dialogue split into two consecutive pieces. One's enough. If you feel that a piece of dialogue is getting too long, break it up with some action.

Parker's first dialogue should use his name, not "MAN." Why is he wearing Brookstone shoes? What does that mean? I understand your point, I just dont understand taking that much space to make it.

Watch your punctuation, spelling and capitalization. Proper names and "I" are always capitalized. You're using periods in places where you should use commas.

You've got a great idea here, but it isn't working for me as written. Please let me know if you do a rewrite.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Huh? I don't get it.

You had some whacked out formatting going on along with a bunch of type-os. And when Taylor went out into the street and met Parker...you changed locations which requires a new slugline. And how old was Parker?? Hard to visualize characters when you give us minimal description.

I didn't get the story. Seemed cool that Bob was living in an old theatre but why is finding a snuff film going to solve all of his financial problems? The whole thing was vague and I didn't understand the ending at all. What was the resolution? This definitely needs more focus.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Great opening image. I like the incongruity of this beautiful woman walking a pit bull.

The conversation between her and Bob was a bit forced. When talking casually (and often formally as well), most people would say "I've found" rather than "I have found". This happens a lot in your dialog and it's distracting.

If no action happens between Bob's two bits of speech, they shouldn't have separate character headings. If you put them together, you can put a pause in between with parentheses.

We know he's Parker, and he says he's Parker, so put his name above his dialog.

I won't list every technical error, but there are a few more of this sort. I ended up liking the story, but your dialog and these mistakes hold you back from making me invested in the characters.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

"Parker and Taylor" opens then we get to the theater and the argument between Bob and Taylor occurs. In some kind of way the action should start at the theater having Bob and Taylor or all three at the same place to start off. The dialouge here is pretty good giving the readers a lot of backstory and the twist. Parker seems like he's been feed a bunch of b.s. from Taylor and he does to hit so to speak. Their are a number of formatting issues throughout this one. Still a good script but their are a number of mistakes that could be taken care of with a re-write.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

This was rather difficult to read due to the many errors in spelling and grammar and format.

The script also contains way too much direction. Any action or nuance or direction to actor, director, editor, etc. should be ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL to the telling of the story. There are areas of this that could be trimmed.

The opening is rather crass. You really want to avoid opening with a scene of 'pooping'. It really turned this reader off. And what's more, it had absolutely nothing to do with the story.

The ending is really confusing.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Unfortunately, there are numerous spec screenwriting, formatting, and typo issues that, inevitably and detrimentally, detract from your story.

I found this very difficult to follow. I'm sure this is all crystal clear in your head, but it didn't translate well onto the page.

What happened on the end of page five?

The best advice I can give:

Read other spec scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what their common denominators are, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting.

Never stop writing! Good luck!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well this was a unique story!! I think it could be pretty strong if you went through and worked on the exposition. Even though there are five pages that we have to work with, when we tell the reader something that is obviously for our eyes only, and something that both characters are well aware of, that's too much exposition.

See below.

TAYLOR
No Bob, My prayers were answered
when I walked out on you in April!
I wouldn't even be here if it weren't
for Harry. So don't waste my time
with your nonsense. You already did
that for 5 years of my life.

All of this is exposition. Even though Taylor is angry (and this is a good way to use exposition) this is too much. She could have just said

"My prayers were answered when I walked out on you" And got the same effect. Everything else, Bob already knows.

Taylor is a very unlikeable character, give her a little depth, don't make us hate her completely.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I didn't really get it. Bob finds a film that's a snuff film, but not really. And it's like a game show, but it's not. And it apparently stars Parker (who wears Brookstone shoes). So Parker shoots him. And somehow or other, Parker and Taylor have encountered each other before. Then, after the murder, they snuggle up and run off together. So, what's going on here? It's like a mystery, only the mystery's on us. Why is Taylor fixated on the shoes? Where did they meet before? Is it significant? If it is, then explain it to us. If not, eliminate it -- it's just confusing. Why does Parker call Taylor, "my child"? Is he really old? And what does all this have to do with Houdini? At some point during a screenplay, you have to stop hiding things from us and tell us the story.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

I don't know what to say. Too many typos.It certainly takes away the reader... Who was Parker and what was his relation to Taylor... If that is your main centre poin because to me it is... but you haven't shown us anything regarding THEM as a whole. who they are?

There has to be a relation because only then she can trust him... you have shown us that she knows him from somewhere.... but you could not form a relationship which obviously hurt the story...

A re write with a few more details and less typos and better formatting this could be much better. Take out the useless details and write details that will take the story forth!

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Why does it say "fade out" at the top? You don't need to put the title of the contest on the first page. In fact, you shouldn't.

Not sure what "late september" has to do with anything. Maybe a "fall" would do something for it, but if we don't live near central park, I highly doubt we'll know what effect late september brings to the area.

error with the "taylor climbs"

felt tacked on, the ending. This really didn't go anywhere and I'm not seeing the story here.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I suppose that I didn't really "get" this one. I had a hard time following what was going on. The thing with the shoes? When did she see Brookstone shoes before? There were quite a lot of typos. Having typos can be very distracting and that takes away from the script itself. It is hard for me to enjoy it when I am think about certain words that shoud have been capitalized.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

A lot of descriptions, could be broken up into smaller sentences and made it easier for me to read.

Taylor and Bob have good dialouge but I don't care much for Parker's character or dialouge. He just seems to pop up out of nowhere.

The story probably would be better if you had more room to play with but not to take anything away from this script.

Overall this was a quick read.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

I didn't quite understand this one. There were some minor mistakes that were a tiny bit distracting. His name is Parker,then underneath the character line says "MAN" for example. Maybe I completely missed the plot but I didn't get why Taylor got into the trunk at the end. I liked some of your descriptions but sometimes they could be a bit wordy.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This had some interesting potential, except it lost me by page 2. Nothing interesting happens on page one, watching a dog poop is not getting my attention yet I hung on because I liked the idea of the old theater. Then the blocky chunks of dialog, characters explain everything to each other and it seemed so forced. It lacked any emotion so I didn't connect with anyone. Taylor complains of a rough morning when all she has to do is take the dog for a walk and she's late for work? Not much consequence or drama in that. Who is this about? The exposition is long & overdrawn, maybe I got bogged down in it so missed the point of the snuff film. The MAN is PARKER. Sorry, I didn't understand Parker's relationship w/Taylor or what exactly happened. I totally didn't get it.

Rework the story and focus on what it's about - the snuff film and the buyer? Or what? Anyway, find the problem and let the couple argue about THAT so I'm emotionally invested in the outcome. Maybe Bob gets abusive or the fight gets amped up, Taylor threatens to sue for custody of the dog. Edit the dialog so it's snappy & punchy the way people talk. Give the characters more personality & more conflict. Create a real solid problem for Taylor to solve, then the twist at the end might make sense.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This script had a few interesting bits. I liked the people living in an old theatre, that seems like an interesting setting. That said, the plot really did not make sense. The story lacked an overall tone and feel. For example, one of the opening images is a dog taking a crap/a steaming pile of feces. This, in my mind, sets up for a comedy, since there are few romance/drama/thriller films that can be taken seriously after a large pile of dog excrement is prominently featured on screen. See what I mean?

The other problem I had, aside from formatting (which I'll get to), is character. The characters seem very hollow. We know nothing about Bob other than he had a relationship of some kind with Taylor, and that she doesn't like him. When he is shot, I don't care.

That aside, I'll stick to formatting issues. First and foremost, I would recommend a proofread before submitting your entry. There were numerous errors such as accidental line spacing (page 4), spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. These take away from the flow of the story and make it look unprofessional. I assume you wrote this on Word or something like it. I would recommend getting a script writing program. Celtx is 100% free and works really well.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Reads more like a story than a screenplay. Too much black. Several grammatical errors.
Formatting error on page 2 when Bob says:"why can't you believe in me" then a space then he talks again with the CONT'D. It should just all be one block of dialog unless you meant to put something after the first line and forgot or something.
The story gets messy at the end. Is the reader to assume Parker and Taylor were planning to shoot Bob? If so then how come they don't even know eachother? Why is Taylor grinning when Bob get's shot?
This might have been a failed attempt at an ambigiuous ending but all it really does is leave the reader saying WTF???

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

This was kind of messed up. Taylor's actions. It was a good and quick read to take part in. The characters are good. All have desires and vulnerablities I noticed that early on. Good job at giving the characters flaws.

I didn't like the big agrument they were having but it fit for the story I do think it could be cut down some. Overall this was a good script.

Keep up the good work.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I imagine you've already been clobbered about the grammar eight million times before getting down to the "W's", so I'll talk story only. Taylor is a likeable character because she loves her dog and still mostly puts up with her ex-hubby. After ignoring the snuff film it's easy to see why Taylor left Bob--he probably wasn't the practical kind of person--more of a burdensome dreamer. So I don't mind the setting so far--creative living space going on, and the mention of the film makes me want to hang out longer to see what famous person died. Then the story loses me because of Parker Stevens and the Houdini business. There is no fight, no struggle; if Taylor loves Harry so much, then she needs to not be so passive. A passive leading character makes for a passive story, and this has too much potential to be an active story. It's implied that maybe the snuff film involved Harry Houdini's death--maybe the dog's name was a hidden clue. If I remember, Houdini was killed after someone punched him in the gut real hard, so a Harry Houdini snuff wouldn't be all that surprising because he basically was snuffed and the world already knows it. So maybe giving us more insight into the film and what's on it may help, or make this a struggle between Taylor and Bob, but change Bob to Parker. One of the characters is already aware of the snuff film, because an ancestor was part of it, I don't know, just a few suggestions. Again the execution made stronger would enhance a setting and scenario that is already engaging.

Comments Made After the Contest