Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

This is well done. I think that at times the dialogue is a little bit stiff. It sounds like movie speak and not the way people actually speak. That said, this is well structured. I felt that the ending was also a bit melodramatic, but you built up to it nicely. The scenes between Taylor and Parker have a nice sensuality as well.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Soap opera excerpt or brilliant melodramatic spoof? I'm going with the brilliant one. Good pacing, flows well from scene to scene. The action is well plotted and it's easy to visualize as a short film.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a well told action/adventure/love story.

I like the characters and the story. It's powerful and romantic. I wish there was a bit more to it, a twist perhaps, but it was still a fun read.

Lastly, there are a few typos here and there, but nothing terrible. Just proofread a little closer in the future.

David Birch (Level 5)

nice attempt at a difficult genre...5 pages is tough to pull off...most of your formatting was really well done...not sure, but the "from behind the door" O.S. read a little redundant to me, but no big deal...the story had drama, just lacked a little backstory to get us to care about the characters and their motivations...maybe spent a little too much with the love making scene (while it was well presented, it gobbled up space that might have been better served tell more of a story)...anyway, nice try...thanks...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written SP that I enjoyed a lot.

At the end, when Taylor tells us the story ... SP would probably be improved if the story could be SHOWN to us rather than straight dialogue.

Here are few comments:

"Passionate kiss, passionate embrace, passionate love." Using the same word three times in the same sentence works here, but be careful when you do that!

"The slab of hinged steel..." If you are talking about a door, why not just say: DOOR.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I'm giving this script a good. There was a gleeful wickedness near the end that would have been a fun tone to see all the way through. Some of the action did not work for me. "Rosy cheeks" ??? Really. That wording, often used to describe little kids, just did not seem to work in that context. The "love" scene would work better, in my opinion, if played for the same comic effect as the "blast trunk". In the opening, we know right away that Parker is a male American. So what's Taylor - female we get from the next line, but since you went out of the way to call him American, I felt that she might be something else... If you are introducing two characters of equal import, try to be a bit more parallel in the description....

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

A crazy story going on here. Enjoyable and fun to read. I think you'll have to tidy this script up to improve it as it's a little jaded in areas. You also have a flashback but don't acknowledge this. You have a lot going on in this piece. Good going.

All the best,


Javier

Jay Simms (Level 3)

It helps to let people reading, know when their is a flashback. Why is Taylor so important, that she must survive? Agent Hartmann, USSS enters the room. What is USSS?
The story could have been good, but wasn't told very good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Sheer excellence! I was engaged throughout. In fact, I could not read quickly enough. I so wanted to know what was to happen next.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Parker (41) archetypical American dream boat male is screwing around with Taylor (40) The make passionate love in a ultra luxurious Baghdad hotel room. Slash Cut, Hospital room where it is revealed that Taylor, slightly wounded is the Secretary of some standing in the United States and the World. She is questioned by American Agent Hartmann. Further information surfaces that she has been cheating on her husband with Agent Parker. It is imperative that they keep a lid on that fact and instead they are to portray Parker as a hero.

Cut to unannounced Flashback scene in which Taylor and Parker are have hot sexual intercourse. They are interrupted by a security agent informing them that the hotel is under attack and the target is Taylor. The attackers have managed to kill the look alike double of Taylor and realized their mistake. The hotel is to be bombed.

There is no escape from the hotel. Parker produces a bomb-proof trunk that looks identical to Taylor’s original. She gets into the blast proof trunk.

Obviously a bomb must have exploded and killed Parker, Agent Conrad and anybody that might have been hanging around in that hotel

Cut back to Hospital Scene as Taylor finishes the story of the trunk. She recounts her last memory of Parker, his last words…

Creatively contrived adventure fantasy – cover-up deception that glamorizes affairs of state at the highest levels of Government. You managed to get those necessary last lines of the prompt worked neatly into your script.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Not in love with this all that talking and I'm confused about the timelines as well is it a flashback use sluglines or supers to tell us what's up. I'm lost on this and the formal military chatter doesn't really have heart to it. Sorry this is just fair for me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

what does "madam secretary" mean? I'm thinking I'm supposed to know something I don't.
And USSS - what is it?

They couldn't fit both in the trunk? It's like watching Titanic again - it left me wondering why couldn't they both fit on that huge door.

p1 - "why do say it like that"
I thought that he speaks like she was going to die, by the way.

However, I liked your entry a lot! It makes great sense, the purpose of the trunk is brilliant and the last words make so much sense! And it's very very well written!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Creative and original idea. Pulls reader along, curious about the fate of Madam Secretary and Agent Renfro.
Since there are flashbacks from the hospital to the bedroom in Baghdad, might be a good idea (and speed up the read) to indicate them.
Really like the use of the trunk prompt; nice change from all the car trunks. Flawless and unforced ending.
"Slab of hinged steel" took a minute to decipher. It's obviously the hospital door. Not sure the elaboration is necessary to get the point across.
USSS, Secret Service? Probably should be spelled out for clarity.
Parker's line: "You're destined for greatness" unneeded. It's clear she's an important political figure. Trimming that dialogue would give it more impact.
Enjoyable and timely story.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

If Parker's an American, what nationality is Taylor?

Taylor accuses Parker of talking like he's about to die. But a few lines before, she's the one who says: "I’ve always wondered how one day this will all end." She's talking out of both ends of her mouth, and I think she should be more consistent if we're going to understand her as a character.

"The slab of hinged steel..." Oh, that's a door. I thought it was a morgue slab, and was subsequently very confused. If you mean a steel door, then please say a steel door.

Taylor goes from being naked to fully dressed (and I'm assuming with full makeup) in the time it took to say two lines of dialogue? Really?

"With my life, but what are we going to do?" Not a fan of this line of dialogue. It makes her sound too vapid, like a penny novel victim instead of an intelligent Madam Secretary.

The plot started tending to the absurd with Parker's line: "I replaced your travel trunk with this blast proof trunk." That sounds awfully convenient. Unbelievable. Then, later, "He was ridiculed..." Sorry. If the story is a love story, leave it there without dragging in remarkable inventions. If Parker was really so prescient, he should've invented a trunk that held two persons. Really.

Redundancy is the death of a good idea. Taylor says twice that she wants Parker remembered for his sacrifice. We know.

Laurie Paulin (Level 2)

There was a lot that was really good in this story - the characters were well drawn and the flashbacks masterfully handled. There was a good mix of dialogue with action and the setting of each scene was described briefly but in enough detail to be vivid. The foreign location was an inspired choice and it was good that the trunk itself was a major part of the story.

The only negative I can say is that the love aspects and the way that the action unfolded was a little bit melodramatic but I think that's just a limitation of having to tell a story in 5 pages - one has to get to the point quick. Good job.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

Love story and a sacrifice powerful stuff. The characters are well developed here. Actually this script seemed longer than five pages in a good way. I wish there was some forshadowing of the trunk on the first page since it is so important.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You can leave off the "TO" in "FADE IN TO:" You don't need to number page one.

Taylor's opening dialogue could be shortened. You have her speaking formally here and then she uses the word "gonna" a few lines later. That one word seems out of place coming from her.

I'm not rating on this, but I'm of the opinion that we should stay away from semicolons in script writing. The only reason I have for my opinion is that I always have to stop and check if they're used correctly, and they usually are. My point is that I stop reading your story and I start thinking about your punctuation. I'm probably not the only one doing that. Just a thought...

The last line of your first scene needs work. A passionate kiss and embrace are okay, but the "passionate love" leaves it open ended as far as filming goes. Write the visual you want the scene to end with. "Passionate embrace" is probably enough.

I don't get the opening line of scene two... Oh, read it again and I see it's the door. State things clearly so your reader will easily visualize what you want them to see.

You've got both Taylor and Hartmann O.S. when they speak. What's on camera? Okay, I get it again. Hartmann's on screen when she speaks. Maybe it's just me. See if anyone else is confused. I'm going to come back to this after I'm done with the first read through and see if I still have a problem when I read the story straight through.

I don't think we should use colons when telling our stories, either. For the same reasons as above. Again, no rating on this.

Hartmann's dialogue is overly formal and a bit stiff. He and Taylor sound very much alike, too. Work on giving each character a distinct voice.

I've been trying to figure out what USSS stands for. I've googled Iraq and Baghdad and maps... When I googled USSS it brought up baseball sites. If it's not a bother, please let me know what it means. My curiosity is insatiable.

"...sitting in (not on) the far corner..."

I'm not crazy about the tears streaming down Taylor's and Hartmann's cheeks when you bring us back to the hospital room. It's a bit much for Taylor, and it's unbelievable for Hartmann.

I do like your ending, and not just the part we were all given.

I read this through again and I still had a problem with the beginning of the second scene. You don't bring Hartmann into view until after Taylor's O.S. dialogue begins. It is confusing.

You don't need THE END, and don't use underlining is scripts.

This needs some clarification and some work on the dialogue. The story's pretty good, but I'd like to see more to it.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

First I think this story is too big for 5 pages. So I had the same constant issue throughout...it felt rushed. You crammed longer scenes into a few paragraphs for example, at the end of page 2 you have Parker thrusting himself into Taylor...then running to the door with his gun drawn...whoa. I needed to poke my mind's eye out on that one cus in that time frame he'd be running around with a boner. Then somehow in that same minute Parker was getting dressed. Then the line: passionate kiss...embrace...love...that seems like a lot of screen time.

As for the story...I think we needed more. Again, best done in more than 5 pages. That way there can be some tension and suspense as well as more of a backstory like what's up with Taylor and her husband? It's hard to have sympathy for two people having an affair unless you show that maybe Taylor had a reason. Was her husband a jerk?

I hope you expand on this one.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The flashbacks were well done, telling a parallel story in Taylor's mind.

The last lines were well used.

Some of the over-the-top spy elements threatened to dilute the romance, when her double is revealed to have been killed. The (frankly rediculous) blast-proof trunk also seemed a bit shoe-horned in, just to have the required ending.

Good.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

First off I want to say this is a pretty sweet romance and the action here is constant and always moving forward except when you go to the hospital scenes. Something terrible happened to her but what? I kind of figured that out on my second viewing and it stuck with me. I liked this story and the characters are strong. Digged it.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

GOOD

This has the makings of a very good story, but it just doesn't quite get there this go-around.

This script, as well as several others from this month, contains some 'fluff' --prose and direction that do not propel the story. This is not necessarily bad, but in a short script it is very obvious and I think it detracts in areas of yours. For example, the script states many times that the characters are crying, tears of joy, tears of sadness, and honestly, it's a little irritating.

Any action or nuance or direction to actor, director, editor, etc. should be ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL to the telling of the story.

The story itself is interesting, though a bit predicatble, but I'm not grading on that because they're all predicatable this month! :)

Well, just three more to go.

Best regards and best of luck.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I thought this was a very good short.

The structure and formatting were all well done and everything flowed smoothly throughout.

I really liked the plot. It was a unique and interesting event. A story worthy of being told and seemed to fit perfectly into a tight five page script. The use of the trunk was a fun twist on the conventional approach.

I thought the characters were a little lean on personality and I found the dialogue effective, yet not really memorable. However, this is a minor gripe. It is hard to do too much in a short and I still highly enjoyed the tale.

My only other suggestion would be to reveal the gender of Hartmann. I suppose it's not essential to the plot but I had a hard time visualizing the character without it.

I enjoyed the use of flashback. Jumping between the hospital and the actual event added some intrigue and adds a nice layer to the storytelling.

Overall, a very good piece of work. Well done.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

An international action/love affair story with a quasi-"James Bond" feel to it.

A lot of the plot and back-story is relayed through dialogue. Since this would already be difficult to produce into a short film, why not go all out?

-Show Taylor's double being assassinated. It would be a cool red herring for the audience, who would believe Taylor was actually killed.
-Show Parker getting killed and the hotel exploding.

A few questions and concerns came to me and, admittedly, some are minor, but it's what occurred to me as I read:

-What is Taylor the Secretary of? State? Defense? It's not detrimental to the plot, but it's never clarified.
-MoviePoet is an international community and not all reviewers, even in America, might know what "USSS" means. And I hate to get law enforcement geeky on you, but I'm pretty sure the Dept. of State's Diplomatic Security Service (DSS) provides protection to Secretaries and Ambassadors.
-It seems very difficult for a Secretary and a Federal Agent engaged in a secret affair while overseas. They travel with a TON of people and are almost never alone.
-Agent Conrad seemed to be a superfluous character, couldn't Agent Hartmann's character fill this role also?
-Parker's final line, the requisite, "Try to get some sleep," did not make sense to me given the preceding story and circumstances. They are under attack and the hotel is about to be bombed, does he really think she can get some sleep?
-It was hard to appreciate the emotion you were aiming for at the end. We really can never get to fully know these characters in five short pages, and specifically here, we don't know that much about them at all.

Your screenwriting is very good. In terms of formatting, it seems a lot of writers are incorporating flashbacks into their scripts, but not formatting them as such. I suppose this is to refrain from the dreaded term "FLASHBACK," but it technically is one.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Formatting wise I felt this was top notch and well written. As for the story it is not that it was bad at all. I just wasn't getting into it. The dialog seemed cheesy at points.

"Trust me."

"With my life, but what are we going to do."

I dunno it just rubbed me wrong for whatever reason. Maybe it's because the spy love affair thing has been going on for years I didn;t get into this one as much. But I think a lot of others will.

So good luck to you this month.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

The flashbacks were what made this story what it was. It was great. Great characters in a unique setting. It reminded me of The English Patient in that aspect. Also I think you utilized the required line very well. Maybe even the best. It felt real, romantic and extremely powerful. Great script.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought this was a well written script. It seemed bigger than five pages. Good solid writing. Well paced and interesting.

Looks like you took the assignment and really thought it out and wrote a great story.

good title. Strong characters. Very nice work.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A pretty good story and very well written. It seems just a little far-fetched, though. She's a Hillary Clinton-like cabinet secretary, visiting Baghdad and having an affair with her Secret Service agent. (Far fetched in and of itself, but not impossible I suppose.) And the agent brings along his invention -- the blast-proof trunk? Well, I guess it's a good idea (especially after the latest Indiana Jones movie), but it stretches credibility a bit. But okay. The screenplay is crafted nicely, and it's pretty exciting. So, good job!

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Don't have to put "fade in to:" just a "fade in" will do.

Awesome. Definitely an action movie worth watching, as well as a dose of love on the side. For the ladies and the gentlemen. I loved this and hope that you will finish second place behind my totally awesome script.

Excellent work

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was a really good story filled with some impressive descriptions and visuals I'd love to see onscreen.

Too bad this love birds had to end up the way they ended up but they had it coming depending on how you view their realtionship.

The flashback scene was helpful and it fits.

Overall I liked this.

Keep up the good work.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I thought that the story was pretty good and well though out, but I had a problem with the required line in the script. Obviously you had to use that line, but it doesn't eally work with your story. Why would he say "try and get some sleep"? Obviously she is not going to be able to sleep. Those are odd last words to say to someone you loved. Overall, you format was good and I enjoyed your writing style.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

Intense. Well written script from a writer who seems familiar with his/her characters.

I can't say much other than I enjoyed it. Not much I would change way to go.

Keep up the good work.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

The dialogue in this script was excellent, it flowed perfectly and held my interest throughout. Key information is revealed at the right time and the overall level of control in this script is strong.

The descriptive blocks were concise and well written despite occasionally moving towards erotic novel grounds at times. However, it worked well, as did the script in general. Good job!

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hi there! The title fits the story very well. The read was very smooth and the plot had just the right push to keep me interested. There really isn't anything I can suggest for a change, as far as I'm concerned, it's written perfectly. A very tragic love. Forbidden love is always exciting, passionate and short lived usually ending in sadness, so I was happy to read Parker was going to be remembered for the hero, and not for the scandal. Good work!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I enjoyed this one. Great dialogue and setting. Your descriptions were very compelling. The bomb proof trunk seemed a little forced, but was mildly redeemed with the joke by Hartmann. There were a couple of things that bothered me. One was the vagueness of all the characters and their positions. The vagueness of Taylor's position makes it hard to feel the depth of Parker's sacrifice beyond saving his lover. Second, some of your dialogue was a little long and could be broken up. This is minor however.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Great opening. Saying so much with so little is why I love screenplays. I like the ongoing character descriptions, I find them more interesting to read than a one or two line introduction and that's it.
Very solid story. The agent idea was a great choice, makes it more interesting by default(in my humble opinion). The only issue was the very last lines that are required by the contest. How is anyone going to sleep when there's people after them looking to murder them? That part was a little silly but there wasn't anything you could do about that.
Otherwise formatting looked darn near perfect to me.

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

This was a devasting story between two people who seemed to be in love but get punished for their affair. Loved the story. You didn't miss a beat all the elements where their I just think your open line of dialouge kills my second reading...

"I’ve always wondered how one day this will all end." By using this line I knew something would happen to one of them, not to take anything away from your story this thing was still awesome.

Keep up the good work.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

You should spell out USSS--some may not know what that means. For real time purposes, it would be a benefit to have Taylor still getting dressed instead of fully dressed so quickly. Parker's explanation of the blast trunk during the heat of the crisis seems too expostitional and contrived; maybe Agent Hartmann should introduce that to Taylor at his visit instead; it'll be an added surprise at the end. Since you introduced the "I love you" scene to start your story, it would be a nice touch to end it the same way. Parker should somewhere say it again, either serious or natural, then wrap it up with the final scene--would bookend your story. I like how this story flows between present and past scenes.

Comments Made After the Contest

Shane Shearer (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 9:08 AM

Great work. I really enjoyed this and it made me reconsider giving my girlfriend a second chance. She's quite a whore, but we'll figure it out. Thank you!

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 4:25 PM

Thanks Shane, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much.

This month's comments and reviews are as awesome as ever. There is a general consensus amongst the reviews regarding certain issues and that helps to rive home the point. Ever thankful for all the helpful advice and with the upcoming horror theme I look forward to incorporating all of it.

USSS - United States Secret Service

LOL @ how quickly they jumped out of bed and got dressed. A few people caught that and that's cool, but I actually know that under a situation of extreme duress, one can go from birthday-suit to fully-clothed in a matter of seconds... But still, I do agree that it would still look funny seeing Parker and Taylor pulling on panty hoses and slacks with blinding speed...LOL!!!

Doors are Doors and Steel Slabs are... Steel Slabs. Thank You. Thats what I get for trying to be poetic... ;-)

I thought these three items were funny (but also well caught errors) and I wanted to mention them.

Thanks Again to everyone for their awesome input!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2009 8:43 AM

No wonder USSS didn't show up on any maps of the middle-east! Thanks for the explaination. I'm acronym illiterate. :D