Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

I have to admit that the first time I read this, I didn't quite get it. The dialogue is a bit cutesy for my taste; it was a choice you made, and I can't say it worked, but at least you have a point of view. I feel like this is kind of a one-note piece where nothing really happens except that Tayor gets some entertainment. It's a sweet concept, but not a whole lot by way of story or character. I feel that if Taylor had learned something, even something small from Parker, it would have been more meaningful. The upside is, this is a good-hearted piece and your intentions were good here. I just think some of the dialogue was distracting and a bit over-the-top.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Cute story with some genuinely funny moments. I think when the (real) doctor speaks, you should spell it correctly and just mention that he drags his words, that way it doesn't look like a typo. And by the way I hated that nurse! It's obvious you meant her to be annoying so good job because I really, really hated her.
The only thing I thought was a bit off is that the doctor says at the begining that Taylor is having trouble sleeping but then we see the nurse waking her up when she is falling asleep so I thought that was going to go somewhere but it didnt.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I really liked this script. It was sweet, fun, and touching. It was well written; everything came through very visually. There was a lot of energy and heart in the characters and in the action. I especially liked the Taylor character. I thought she was smart and original. Many sick children characters are turned into cliches but that was avoided in this script.

There wasn't much of an arc to the story but I think, in this case, that was a strength and not a weakness. There were no obligatory moments or typical and false endings. It was a simple story of a brief, happy time in these characters lives and that worked.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like the idea behind this story a lot.

The idea behind this Janitor knowing how to cheer the girl up is lovely. I would actually suggest just toning it down a bit. The doctor and nurse don't need to be quite so annoying and I think the Janitor can be funny without being so broad. Work more with the visuals and less with dialogue. I also think you could add some tension with the Janitor's fear of being caught.

In any case, there is a lovely story here and with a small rewrite I think it could be excellent.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things to like...formatted very well...imaginative dialog (some might struggle with it but i'll applaud the effort)...if i had any concerns it would be that it seemed to be weighted too much on the "dog and pony" show put on parker without having it expose anything about the characters...it was cute, but reduced you story to more of a scene (albeit, a good scene)...just wanted more from you than a sick kid in a hospital room...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

What a delightful story. Well written. Could be improved if the word IS was used less but, despite too many is's, very good.

Gabe Feinberg (Level 2)

This is very cute and a good idea. I think that Parker's antics may be a bit long, as it seems like most of the script are his performances, which may get old when they're being watched. Try to boil it down some. Also, I know the last line is set, but Parker's last line seems unusually calm and tender while everything leading up to it seems very wild and spontaneous. Maybe try to weave a bit more reality to Parker's character.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

I know what you've tried to do here but I couldn't get into the story. It felt disjointed and that's the main reason.

Also, not sure how serious you are or if you've ever attended a hospital. But as I've went to a hospital dedicated for sick children of which I still suffer from my illness. No nurse would ever say they have obtained a masters degree. That's nonsense. I'd be very surprised to hear a nurse say that.

Anyway, your format could be better. Dialogue for the majority of the script was way too long and needs to be cut up. Your slug with Hospital/Taylor's Room should be Hospital, Taylor's Room.

You did meet the competition's rules so aside from that, I wish you all the best for this month's competition.


Javier

Jay Simms (Level 3)

The names of some of the characters are ridiculous. Their names are different from their title? Who is who, what happened? And why is everbody sooooo annoying. The little girl must have been on some good drugs to be laughing so much, because I wasn't. I can see where this could have been good or even funny, but it wasn't.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good! The trunk is first mentioned on pg 2. It might be good to mention it again before the finale to keep it clear.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

This was really awesome. I thought so much happened in five pages it was amazing. Great setup of the dialogue, and the idea was uplifting when initially, I thought it was going to be depressing.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Taylor (8) a terminally ill girl. She has no choice and must put up with a insensitive Doctor and a self-absorbed Nurse. Parker, male hospital custodian (30’s) observes the lonely little girl and the dry clinical treatment she is receiving. He is a compassionate soul and contrives to cheer up the little patient by creating a caricature of the Doctor and Nurse himself, the he shifts to using a couple of puppets to represent the real Doctor and Nurse. Taylor’s spirit is awakened by all this silliness on Parkers part. The spark of life and hope seems to be reignited in little Taylor.

Yes, laughter is the best medicine and it works especially well if its provided by a sensitive slapstick comic with a wooden trunk and a couple of puppets. You created a wonderful series of jolly silliness just what the patient needed. Your script was creative and crafted with emotional feelings that flew off the pages and into my mirth glands. Great treatment for young and old.

The absence of family or little friends was a little disconcerting. But the fantastic energetic fantasy abolished any concern I felt.

Your title of course, is perfect.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Very Good Script. The doctors at the beginning really didn't need any accents to sound as boring as they did. Taylor's reactions also got the message across. The Janitor always hanging around did feel strange, as he was there almost all the time cleaning something. However, his presentation at the second half of the script proved to be exactly what the doctor ordered. Taylor slowly opening up to his antics and finally laughing full out was very well described and Parker's 'make-fun-of-the-docs-and-nurse' routine was as entertaining to me as it was for Taylor.

A very cute little story that reminds me of a great script that was written here not too long ago called "The Yellow Balloon". It is very interesting to see that there is always a kind-hearted soul always willing to brighten up the lives of the terminally ill children. Your script should serve as a thought provoking film to be shown to doctors and nurses around the country in order to help people understand that they need to think a little more outside the box. This is a highly filmable script and you should certainly put it out there. Cheers on you Great writing.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Very very expositional dialogue. It started off good then you got way too talky. I liked the idea but I don't know why the dialogue is so long. I'm confused about that. You had such a great opening. The end I can digest but its not the best either.

Why do I say, that your dialogue is bad. 1) It starts from the first chunk of dialogue. I have no prob with the funny way he enunciates his words. Hello Taylor, --- Don't mention names unless its absolutely necessary. We know he's talking to Taylor (don't remember seeing her name in caps) Also the dialogue and your action lines--- way too long.

Practice saying what you have to say in 1-3 lines. Don't go overboard unless its absolutely necessary to the script. Also I think I get what you were going for but if your are going to create a crazy story full of laughs you need to establish the surroundings. You also need to stop your characters from eating so much "parrot bottom" Not an insult only a saying, meaning your characters need more action and visuals and less talk. Especially, with a comedy. After all this I'm giving a good because there is a story here.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's very cheery. And fun.

I got a little lost in the middle when Parker appears dressed as a doctor. I'm thinking you could state it so. After all - that's what we going to see - Parker dressed as a doctor.

I think your film would be so much better on screen as it was a little hard to read all the dialog lines, but it would be so much fun to listen to it.

And funny, funny, funny!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A good idea with some potential. Parker turns into "Patch Adams."
Story probably needs to unfold a bit slower; Parker mentioned twice, then puts on his show for the remainder of the script. Parker's performances, for Taylor's benefit, are entertaining but there needs to be some conflict or a purpose to be effective.
Trimming the dialogue would give it more impact.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

You forgot to mention that Parker was playing the doctor on page 2. The doctor comes in, even introduced properly, then all of a sudden Parker has the dialogues. I was very, very confused for a little while.

I think you should lose the editorial "Nurse Chichatski" comment, since Parker makes mention of it in his page 3 dialogue. A joke once is worth a smile. A joke twice is just plain unfunny.

I would've liked to have seen Parker tuck the girl into bed. Cheesy, I know, but it just felt appropriate.

Fantastic story. I loved every second of it, and I'll be shocked out of my mind if you don't win first place this month. Such wonderful heart, and the dialogue was remarkably thrilling and imaginative all the way through. This was my second-to-last review of the month, and, boy, am I glad that I choose to review all of them every month. This was an absolute treat. Excellent.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Your first scene heading should be INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY. PRIVATE could be added so that you don't need to say more in the descriptives.

I think the scene might read better if you started with Taylor's intro then move to whatever descriptives you need. Keep it simple and elegant. You don't need to write out ages, by the way. Other numbers, yes, but not ages.

So far this one's kind of hard to read. You maybe went a bit overboard in writing out the dialogue. It might be better to leave some of it up to the reader's imagination. Say Pasigus speaks nasally and Parker mimics him. Same with the nurse.

I have two content problems with this.

One is that Taylor's eight years old and she's being given information that a doctor and nurse wouldn't really give her.

The other is that the humor here is too dark for an eight year old. To mock people or describe the after effects of a dog exploding or kid around about giving someone cyanide instead of morphine or whatever to a sick child takes away from the poignancy. I'm not offended or anything, but it doesn't work for what you seem to be going for here. I'm thinking you should keep the humor lighter here.

You took a good try at slapstick comedy - and that has to be one of the toughest things to write. Ever. It just isn't working for me in this particular story.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Nice title...really fits. I loved this story. Very sweeet. The one thing I would suggest is maybe trimming it down a bit because after a while all of the things Parker was doing became a little repetetive and I was like, okay...okay I get it.

Great job creating this very touching story. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the idea, but it just came off creepy instead of fun. I really expected Parker to jab that needle in her arm and abduct her or something. That's probably more a criticism of me, but the nonsense words definitely set up a creepy atmosphere. The exploding dog story didn't help either.

You need to be more clear when it's Parker as the doctor or the nurse. It was hard to understand until Parker's name was actually mentioned in action.

A really good idea, but it could have been better if you stuck to a more innocent tone.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

What could've saved a few of the characters dialouge could've been fixed in the descriptions, he/she/it has a speech impetiemment, this probably could play out onscreen but it doesn't work as a good read, I liked Parker's character he seemed like he wanted to be a geniune friend to Taylor not much of a impact at the end.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

The writing, style, format, etc. is fine. I did not notice any obvious errors (except for the intential ones contained in the dialogue). That being said, I've always preferred to write most dialogue as gramatically correct as it should be with the direction that it's slurred, mumbled, or whatever and allow the actor and director to make it funny. As this is written it's distracting and takes my mind off the story.

It's also hard for me to give this one high marks because it's the third or fourth script I've read that involves a sick child in a hospital, and the second one that involves someone trying to cheer them up with bad jokes. The plot is unoriginal and it's told in an unoriginal voice.

I hope my critique doesn't come across as too harsh. It's not my intent, and I do believe you are a good writer.

Best of luck.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I liked the idea of this man bringing joy to the sick young girl. As a script, however, I think it really lacks some crucial elements.

I would like to see more of a goal. It's funny but reads more like a stand-up act for Parker rather than a complete story. I think the opportunity is here for something challenging or possibly a tear-jerker but it never elevates itself.

I liked the satire about the boring doctor and the chatterbox nurse and I liked how Parker mocked them. I think some of his humor was a little beyond an 8 year old girl but I liked the way you developed their relationship.

Formatting was all pretty good, although many of the speeches were slightly long and some of the mumbling was overdone after awhile.(i.e. rythgrmy plolomis zigrotur type of speech)

I think you have great potential here. Just wish there was more of a story to help bring more excitement to these characters.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was a very bittersweet tale. Unique and rare friendships like this always play well on screen.

While heartwarming and thoughtful, some of the story got lost in the translation for me.

On page two, you have to make it clearer that the "Doctor" is actually Parker. I thought this was another doctor entering to check on Taylor. I scrolled up and re-read the section a few times before I realized Parker was actually imitating the doctor.

I know you can argue, how did I not know? The doctor calls himself, "Dr. Passygas"!!! But it's the truth and it took me out of the story for too long.

Where are eight year-old Taylor's parents, family and friends throughout all this?

You screenwriting is fine, a tad bulky in spots. Format appears overall in order. There are a few minor typos throughout.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

I loved it. There are some errors here and there but for the most part it's a good story. Kind of Patch-Adamsy, but, eh. What really bothered me was the repeating sluglines from late pg. 4 and early pg. 5. A passage of time is okay here, like "LATER" etc. Good job.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I liked the concept of your script. The dialogue was slow at times and I think that may have hurt reading the script. Also, it felt like the script repeated itself, when going through the mimicing of the two other characters. I'd just watch out for that repition. It may lull some readers.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the idea of your story very much. A janitor tries to cheer up a sick child. But the way you wrote the dialogue got so annoying that at the end I was just really tired of reading it. What is with the extra letters on wordssss ?

The dialogue was so distracting it was hard to follow the story. I think though, with work, and not using cutesy stuff, you could really have a nice story about a person who cares about those who are sick in a hospital.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a great idea (from the Patch Adams School of Medicine). Parker is a great character -- the maintenance man who understands more about patient care than the doctors and nurses. But the focus of the screenplay is wrong. There's too much about all the silly things that Parker does and not enough about the joy he brings to Taylor. The story should be about her, but it's not -- it's about puppet shows and card tricks and jello sliding down his face and funny imitations of the real doctors and nurses. That would all be great entertainment for eight-year-old Taylor, but not for us. What would be better for us (the audience) would be little bits and pieces of Parker's routines to highlight the metamorphosis of Taylor from sullen to joyful. As it's written, she does change, but we only know because you tell us. ("Taylor's interest perks up." "Taylor laughs.") Taylor's joy should be the real story.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

Ok first thing first... a lot of typos... I had no idea what happened here... I guess there is something wrong with your keyboard. As in like you press a key and it jams and it keeps on writing... Well, it became quite hectic to follow the story... the long slowwwwwwwww or the pleasssssse.... If you want it to be exaggerated that is the actor's and the director's job... not the screenwriters.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I'm curious about all the continuity considering that it's all in the same room. The first three scenes I can understand, going from day to night to day. But the Next scene, when we go from taylor laughing to the puppet with a latex glove, I don't see the need for a transition. I guess you could've gone from a fade out/fade in to show the lapse of time????

Again, right after the "moo" scene you do it again. I think you should've done a montage rather than "start" a new scene three times. It would've saved you space.

Also, don't put so many letters in a row. okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy isn't necessary, even if it is how the doctor talks. Put one two or three and we'll get the general idea.

Also, there isn't any sign of wear on the girl. She's just going from being uber happy to "yawn" and now needs to pass out. Granted she is a cancer patient so I guess it could happen, it just felt kind of tacked on rather than thought out.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

The nurse in your story is so annoying. I absolutely could not stand her. I know that was probably exactly what you wanted so...goal achieved! I had a smile on my face the entire time that I was reading this story. I thought it was an interesting that the two people that were supposed to help Taylor were awful, while the Janitor contributed to her wellbeing even though it definitely wasn't his job.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

This was a good story and the dialouge at times is a little difficult to understand but I liked the Parker character he tried his best to cheer the little girl up.

Loved the title "Always the Best Medicine" laughter in that case. Liked I said earlier the dialouge is a little hard to follow at times but the story keeps my attention.

Keep up the good work.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

I enjoyed this script. It's quirky, funny and original. There are some very nice descriptions, something about "a voice like a machine gun on helium", good stuff. The dialogue worked well, especially Parker's. All in all, a very good script. Well done.

Suzanne Smith (Level 4)

Hello there! Very nice story. I like the mood, very playful. At first I thought it was going to be a dreary read, but Parker really made me laugh. From a kids POV, I'd say he would be the best medicine to have around. So the title matches perfectly, and I'm left feeling good inside - awesome work!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I like this one, it's sweet and funny in a Patch Adams kind of way. I do think that some of the longer blocks of dialogue can be broken up and interspersed with action lines without sacrificing the machine gun pace of the nurse. Good title by the way - I personally would have removed the 'Always'.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I have to say that this story made very little sense to me.

I couldn't tell if it was a dream sequence, a puppet show, the meds making her see things, or what. The result, though, is that I couldn't understand the point of it.

The formatting is good, but the story - I was lost.

Comments Made After the Contest

Shane Shearer (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 8:21 AM

I judged this much too harshly and I apologize. If I could go back I'd give it a better score. You're very deserving like that.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 8:39 AM

A tremendous idea. I loved it.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 6:28 PM

Kyle, thanks a bunch. I'm making plans on filming this sometime in the future, but I'll make a few improvements; try to add a little more meat to the story, etc.
Shane, you weren't even close to being as harsh as others, and I don't take offense to anything in your review. I didn't get to your script this time. I'll give it a look when I get a chance to breathe.