"Don't Let Her See" by Matias Caruso ~ First Place

Logline: A suburban husband plots to leave his psychotic wife, who has telekinetic and mind-reading abilities.

Genre: Horror - Thriller

Cast Size: 3

Production Status: Unavailable

Contest: Deadly is the Female (Sep. 2009)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
0%11%32%43%14%

Comments Made During the Contest

Annie Hunt (Level 2)

The story starts out with great action. I normally like a fast past story line, but I thought this was a little too fast past. I wasn't able to keep up with what was really going on. I was confused a bit. Although the story is unique, it lacked well developed characters and the story was a bit confusing.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

the ending speech Kyle gives Cara seems too expositional. (is that a word?)
"I don’t know. She wasn’t always
like this, you know? It started
when your grandma died. Losing her
mother was tough for her. She needs
some time alone."
Cora should know this stuff already. It is important information, but he should either be telling it to someone else, or have those facts come up otherwise earlier in the story.

Ashley White (Level 3)

I liked this story. It was engaging and creative and clever. Your writing style could be a little more fluid. Some of it seemed a little jumpy and didn't really flow very well. Overall, this was a pretty good script. It seemed very well thought out.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

The story is a little hard to follow despite being very well written. Great descriptions the flow made it for a quick read. Keep up the good writing!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced very well. The story was bizarre, creepy and pretty cool. I didn't really like the ending with the mysterious power being transferred to Cara but I suppose you needed some sort of twist there. Overall, nice job on this. Definitely one of the better scripts I've read this month.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Good start - I can tell this is written by someone who knows what they're doing!

Psychotic woman, angered face and clearly a nervous wreck don't go together - one or the other!

girl that appears - girl WHO appears

I thought this was very good - especially the ending. What I COULDN'T get was Kyle pulling the knife out and then driving along apparently fine a few minutes later.

Best I've read so far though.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I think this script has potential, but it just didn't work for me. I loved the opening, great visuals. But as the script progressed, it seemed muddled and unsure. The flow and pacing felt awkward.

The characters lacked dynamic and dimension. Part of that, I believe, is due to the 5 page limit. I really think this story would be better suited to a feature length screenplay. That way the characters and situations could be explored more fully.

The ending felt anticlimactic, although there was a nice twist.

Overall, some good things here, but still needs some work.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This had that Twilight Zone 'It's a Good Life' vibe. Neat how the kid had mom's powers. I did get confused and thought the kid was the mom, etc. But maybe I was just expecting that.
I like the visual of the knife approaching the beating hard. The dude probably would've died from loss of blood anyway.
Because the universe that this story inhabits isn't entirely clear I'm not sure this is normal for all women or just the protag's women. But with the mom comment I'm thinking maybe this is normal and mom just went crazy.
Good job overall.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great script.

I love how you pull us in, what is this man doing and then we discover how he is trying to survive.

Awesome visuals. Perfect ending.

Excellent.

David Birch (Level 5)

very descriptive and written well...would have preferred a little more "expository" dialog to enlighten the reader as to the premise of the story...which i thought was the weakest element of your script...feels like i walked into the last ten minutes of a movie without being able to find out what i missed...would work better with a more structured rewrite...but a good attempt at a tough assignment...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This is a great idea that reminds me of the old horror classic Village of the Damned, with the telepathic children, and the guy thinks of a brick wall so he can blow everybody up with a bomb. Love that movie.

This story started out great, but everything bogged down at the dinner table, and from there the action was frantic and confusing, hard to see. Your writing style is cross between that for a novel, and screenwriting. Keep more with the visual here and now. The ing verb endings are overused, try not to use them at all when you show action.

He ducks his head to avoid the WHIZZING knife that she just swung at his throat. Novelesque, this sentence I can't visualize, it's backwards. She swings the knife then he ducks, right? Make everything easy to see.

I take it that the power is hereditary, but a little more set-up for Jacinthe to act the way she did. Are all telepaths psychotic? This has potential, and I like stories about telepaths, good job all in all.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

I liked your idea and loved the ending. I could really feel the family's tension and the madness of Jacinthe. I also like that Cara seems to have inherited her mother's powers and mental disorders - perhaps the two come hand in hand?

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

"Lighting." Think you mean lightening.

Very fast paced story. Good job!

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

I thought this was pretty good. A few little punctuation mistakes, missed the N in lightning in a sentence. I loved the idea of the glass in the hand to try to throw the telepath off, very very clever. I thought your descriptions were very well crafted also. Overall, Great work!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is a weird one. I can't say I like it or dislike it because on the surface, nothing much seems to happen, but I feel there is something bigger going on underneath. All I gathered is a wife, who has telepathy, tries to kill her husband because she has a mental breakdown. This seems like to be a scene in a bigger story, especially when Cara is shown to have this telepathic ability as well.

There is a lot of missing information and backstory for me to fully understand what actually is going on. Why did Kyle cut this hand in the beginning? What's with the thirst that Jacinthe was talking about? Why did Kyle always think about "it hurts"?

On the positive, I think you did a good job in creating tension when Kyle tries to run away from Jacinthe. The visual details of the knife plunging into Kyle's chest is a nice touch as well.

Good job on completing the challenge.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I was very intrigued by the title. I also thought it was very neat how it connected with the way Jacinthe would "see" Kyle. There was a great tension that was set up in the beginning with Kyle cutting himself, but somehow I think it all kind of fell apart towards the end. For some reason I was a little let down, but not sure why. I do, however, like the fact though that Kyle and Cara did manage to escape.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Chilling. On a technical level, some of the CAPITALIZATION is a bit overdone. THE ANGERED FACE OF A PSYCHOTIC WOMAN...The door slams SHUT are a bit much. I liked the ending a lot, but I'm worried that since there is so much voice over that is not meant to be heard by other characters, that it won't be clear that this voice over is actually heard. I'm giving this one a very good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

On pg 2 you say a pink child shoes. That sounds as though the child is pink. I think you want to say a child's pair of pink shoes.

Pg 2 "Knife must be blunt, gives her a hard time. So she throws it away." This is odd wording that takes us out the story. Just describe what happens. She struggles to cut the meat. Angrily throws the knife in the trash.

Pg 4 "Just in time to - Kyle trips over it". Remove the just in time to. Oddly worded.

Good story.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

On page 2... I'm loving it....

All right I finished it, It was great! Hard to come by this month. One problem though, this man was just stabbed in the chest, almost piercing his heart... I don't think he would be able to drive, and if he was, definitely not able to speak and caress his daughters cheek.

You used past tense sometimes and the action was kind of written weird, but overall great script!

when the door opened by itself, and he just walked in without that much worry, it had me puzzled, but then she shut the door, and I was rolling laughing! I just felt so sorry for him, it was comical. Bad enough you have a hot headed wife, but a hot headed wife with telekinesis is just trouble.

Great script. With a little work, and I really mean a little, it could of been an excellent. If not placing, I definitely see this being honorably mentioned.

John Brooke (Level 5)

A neat idea crafted creatively.

Great opening scene! Self inflicted bloody injury took me immediately into this screenplay. Vivid violence of the wife’s telepathic mind comes across as truly horrifying.

The savagery of Jacineth’s telekinesis ability combined with her mindreading makes her almost an unbeatable opponent.

Your sequenced with the knife being pushed into Kyle’s chest by the psychokinetic power of Jacinthe kept me in anticipatory tenterhooks. Wonderful writing and I was so relieved when Jacinthe finally collapses.

You have structured a surprising chilling irony for daddy. After Kyle escapes with little daughter from mommy’s horror. He discovers that she has inherited her mother’s ability.

What an awful twist for Kyle. She’s a mindreader like mom.

We are left with a chilling promise in your last line.

Very good.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Damn! With a crazy woman like that I'm surprised he went back home. Cute little Cara must've been his only reason to return. From the moment Kyle repeated to himself that it hurt, I had a feeling he was dealing with someone who possesess mind powers. His wife was really scary and her actions were thoroughly frightening. The images of his heart beating and the knife slowly sinking closer were great and added to the threat.

The only thing I feel is missing is the sleeping agent he slipped into her juice. Sometimes it doesn't need to be shown, but I feel that it should've been shown. I'm guessing you didn't because it is representative of the mental block he had in place in order to perform the feat. However, showing him performing the act while doing a V.O. of the 'mental block mantra' would've been a cool and funny visual that could have served as a little comedy relief.

Cara's final statement in the car was just the Cherry on top of a fricking scary sundae. Poor Kyle. You did a magnificent job with this script. Excellent, taut writing and execution made for an easy, yet highly enjoyable and thrilling read. Excellent work!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Ok, I'm going to be straight. This script is just alot of running and tripping and breaking your ankle. I honestly laughed when I read that. CRACK that cracked me up. That's not what I mark down for,
There are a couple spelling mistakes but that's not it either. I am committed to finding a good story instead of a chase scene or a torchure scene or a boring story. Your story is not boring mind you. It's ok. Voice overs I don't know if you know what voice overs are for but you aren't using them to get that pop. A wife possessed by some ancient evil. I don't know why she's doing this but I can see the potential to make this a comedy like Jennifer's body.
Alot of this seems not organic, what's up with the voice overs what caused all of this. What are her powers? Did her spirit go into the child or is she going to become as crazy as her mom. The dialogue isn't really stirring for me either and I hope you read it out loud. You have to make it clear how whatever happened happened eventually everything must be explained. Also I don't think you really followed the rules of the prompt your female is not really a killer she apparently doesn't kill anyone and I don't know how we get to the end. I know she's a psychic psycho but she doesn't seem terrifying and she is not really a monster or killer but I understand why you used the voice overs. Also kids are not the only thing that can motivate us.

Your writing is fluid though and I was never really bored. I like your writing style and you are a good writer but your dialogue seems a bit forced and expositional. My advice is to find that balance of economy and creative ways to say things and drama let your characters lie. Also the last voice over is what you should have started with, just a word of advice. Control your voice overs don't tell us what we can already see.

We need to know why else it's just a videogame it doesn't have to be backstory it can be a document or a book or a video. So give us something and I'm not asking for a flashback either. I was rooting for this story but the story lost it's way. Also there were some awkward sentences and I'd just say watch out for that but I think this is good. Also you don't have to jump in a car to make it exciting it may have worked better contained in the house. Good job looking forward to rewrite.

Kevin McDonald (Level 2)

Awesome! That guy is totally screwed. This was very well done, I had no problem picturing every aspect of the story. I didn't understand at first why he cut himself, I think there might have been a little too much time between when it first happened and when it gets mentioned again. That is my only negative comment though. I thought the rest of it was great!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is creepy. And scary. And exciting.

This is Ex-excellent.

You made it look so easy, it's like there's not much to writing - the beginning that grabs you, few action packed scenes in teh middle, the twist in the end and that's all. Perfect structure, dialog, story... "it's the thirst" - I loved it!!!

I think your punctuation is a bit off (I'm trying to be funny) but I wouldn't know if I didn't read it for the third time. And I read it again (and again...and again) just because I enjoyed it so...


Excellent. Congrats on the win (I'm sure!), by the way.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well written. Easy to read writing style.
Characters described well. Kyle's behavior is tantalizing. Why is this grown man "deliberately cutting his hand with a broken bottle?" "The psychotic face of an angered woman" is pretty clear. Googled "Jacinthe"; so unusual, assumed it meant something. It's a translation of hyacinth, or baby's-breath. Coincidence? Probably not, especially considering how this story ends.
Description is concise. Especially like the use of adjectives (personal preference) that provide detail to common objects: "twinkling suburban lights, ghostly glow, deadly whistle, murderous stare." Terrific.
Dialogue is good. Particularly like Kyle's response to Jacinthe, as he looks at his daughter, "You know I always do..." But, Kyle's explanation to Cara for her mother's bizarre actions is questionable. Bringing up a grandma that's not mentioned anywhere else seems like over-explaining. Ending with, "She wasn't always like this..." might be enough.
Did take two readings before it was evident that Kyle had spiked Jacinthe's juice. An unusual choice to quench thirst, but juice is probably more visual than bottled waters.
Am curious about the meaning of the last few lines. Cara's lips don't move, but Kyle can hear Cara's thoughts? The "wide-eyed" applies to Cara (needs a comma after) or, as is, applies to Kyle? If it applies to Kyle, as written, the line infers that Cara is crazy, like her mother.
Excellent, either way.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The computer ate my review! Golly oskies. A review's never as good the second time 'round. I'll try to remember what I wrote.

There's a period after the title page title. Looks odd.

I liked the name of the main male character. :)

It was obvious to me that the twist was going to have something to do with the daughter gaining the powers of the mother, simply because the daughter was totally absent from the huge fight scene. I figured she had to come back somehow, and, well, she did.

A huge medical mistake. Kyle yanks the knife out of his chest and then merrily goes on his way. If you get an object impaled in you, you should leave it there until you get to an emergency department where they will take care of the situation. If you yank out an impaled object, you can cause far more damage than if you just leave it in place. If the object, for example, has severed a major blood vessel, it's only the object itself which is preventing you from bleeding to death. As soon as the object is removed, well, bye bye victim. In Kyle's situation, with the knife stuck in his chest, he could cause a host of fatal complications by ripping it out: atelectasis (lung collapse), pneumothorax (air in the chest where it shouldn't be), cardiac tamponade (blood filling the hard fibrous sac around the heart, causing the heart to be crushed), etc., etc., etc. Essentially, for him to whip out the knife and then still be able to run away is totally unbelievable from a medical standpoint.

Besides, how cool would it be for him to run around with a knife stuck in his chest? Much creepier, and medically possible.

The visuals were great, the idea good and interesting, and... Very Good!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I've already read this through, and I'm going to review as I go here.

The title is good.

On page 1 - You want 'lightning,' not 'lighting.'

"Glimpses of KYLE..." I'm not sure I like that section as written. It's a bit vague and you leave the present/active by using the word 'cutting.' Write the images you want the audience to see as they unfold on screen. Avoid words that end in 'ing.' Except in dialogue, of course.

On page 2 - Is the child pink, or do you mean the shoes?

This is fairly well written and I enjoyed the story. Plenty of action and blood, too.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Not sure I fully understood this one. It was written pretty well with the exception of a few formatting errors. But I wasn't exactly sure why Jacinthe was like that or what was wrong with her. And why did Kyle cut himself? I did like the ending with Cara obviously having the same telepathy thing...even though I'm not sure what it was. maybe just a bit more clarification is all this needs.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Quite unsettling.

I really like the opening, which really intrigued me and grabbed my attention, and the drip-feed of information throughout the whole script was very well done, not having anything explained, just shown, until the end.

The climax was very tense.

(Reminded me slightly of Village of the Damned, when the Professor kept thinking of a brick wall.)

Great beat at the end as well.

Excellent.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I liked it. It read a bit rough during certain parts of it so it could probably use a little more spit and polish but over all I though it was quite well done. Great job.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

very creepy, especially that last line.

I thoroughly enjoyed this; you set up tension really well from the off - with Kyle cutting himself and us realising why he's doing it to meeting the reason and her insanity.

I particularly loved the cutting to inside his chest cavity, this was very visual and really racheted up the tension.

Good characters, strong dialogue, great story. Very well done.

Niko Sucic (Level 2)

It is a decent story, but it is too much like the famous Twilight Zone episode. I would give it Fair vote, but that last "twist" with little girl makes a difference, so the score is better. Also, male character is too close to death to survive in the end, if you know what i mean. If she had such powers, he would surely die,. Keep up the good work.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Nice visual imagery. Intriguing introduction of Kyle and setup. Good twist with juice.

No period after title. Two blank lines before sluglines. Needs edit pass for punctuation. Verb tenses and sentence structure are a little off. Story is well-told and well-structured, but feels lacking - man tries to poison psychic wife, she kills him. A theme or some irony would add depth.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Amazing, nothing short of amazing. Tight read, well-paced constantly exciting and tense. Wow. Really good read here. Only thing that comes to mind is packing the actoins together a bit. I love the whole premise of this thing, it's so well done. The earlier bit doesn't really add up to the rest (the 'you-fell' part) but it works well. I can understand that he needs a wound, but don't really get how he would set up this accident. Think the next scene has him tossing out Cara? It's also hard to visualize the knife being inches from his heart. How would a director go and create that? The tip almost touching his crazy heart. More emotionaldescriptive then true action. Still, fantastic, best thing I read here thus far.

Title could use a little work though, doesn't seem to fit.

BEST MOMENT: Hard to pick, but I like the ending revelation, you follow up the origin right with the twist. Didn't expect this. Great.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

That's a cool twist at the end- Cara's final line of dialogue, good job with that.

You have a pretty big plot-hole, though. If Kyle has been stabbed in the chest with a knife and has broken his ankle, he's gonna need to get to a hospital pretty damn quick. Yeah, the knife didn't pierce his heart, but he still got stabbed in the chest! It just didn't seem plausible for him to be driving and apparently unfazed, even given the circumstances.

The story overall, with a few minor changes, felt a little too familiar with the segment in "Twilight Zone- The Movie." I think it's based on the original episode, "It's a Good Life."

Your screenwriting is very good, format appears in order, there are one or two minor typos throughout.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is very effective and feels like a straight down the middle of the road horror story. I like the visual with the heart. Strangely though I'm not sure if I was all that scared by anything that happened because I guess it was difficult to connect with the characters.

One of my Pet Peeves is the use of voice over. In this case the set up of the story depends on us hearing the narrative thoughts of the main character at the beginning. Later on you have made use of it so it is in context.

"Kyle enters with a fake calmness and a faker smile." - He walks into the dark, but then we can see stuff?

"Too dark." - So it is dark, how did we see the pink shoes?

"Now it’ll really hurt Kyle." - This seems quite a calm thing for her to be thinking.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was pretty good. I liked the ambiguity, you let the reader think for themself what was going on with the characters and you let the actions speak for themselves. I applaude that. I liked the thunderstorm tension and then the sun soaked epilogue. You know what you're doing, and that shows throughout the script. Great story.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Wow, I liked this. I didn't quite get why he cut himself?

A very different approach this time around, and I haven't read anything like this in a while.

Loved the characteristics you gave to the characters.

Robbie

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

There are some great moments in the script, especially the ending line by Cara. Some of the things that tripped me up in reading, were

'a pink child's shoes' should be 'a child's pink shoes'

Kyle's VO in the beginning. Is it really voice over, or is he talking to himself? If it's the latter, then it should not have VO next to his name.


How do you 'murderously' cut meat?

The image of the knife flying in was great!!!

I'm not sure why Kyle had to cut himself? For sympathy? Munchausens? I don't know.

Some of the images were definetly horrific, with the knife going so close to his heart etc. That would be really scary on film.

All in all this is a good script.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Really good, well written, very spooky. One of my favorites, so far. A few comments, though. One big one, a few smaller.

First, the big comment. It doesn't feel complete. It feels like a small part of a grander story. And it feels like a part that was plucked out of the middle, because there's some backstory missing in the beginning, and it doesn't feel like it's quite finished at the end. Here's what I mean. As we read along and the story develops, we (naturally) have some questions. Here's a woman with telepathic and telekinetic powers -- how did she get that way? It's not quite enough to have Kyle say, "It started when your grandma died. Losing her mother was tough for her." Most of us lose loved ones at some time in our lives, but we don't turn into psychokinetic psychopaths. Why did she? (And what is "the thirst" all about? Sounds spooky -- we want to know more!) And at the end, as they're driving away, I'm thinkin' that this woman has awesome powers -- she's not going to just let them go, is she? Of course, that concern is quickly minimalized when you find out that Cara also has "the power" and she's probably going to be his real problem now. But, still, Jacinthe is back at the house, just waiting to wake up -- and I bet she'll be pissed!

Some smaller things.
- There are a few typos. Proofread! Some examples: Don't need a period on your title page. Page 1, lightning. Page 2, "a pink child's shoes".
- Some screenwriting faux pas. Page 3: "Her eyelids feel heavy." We can't tell what she feels unless you show us. How 'bout, "Her eyelids droop sleepily," or something like that? On Page 2, it might be tricky to show the blunt knife problem. Why not, instead, have her trembling with a growing rage, so much so that she snaps the blade in the meat. Easier to show, and it makes her seem a little more menacing.

Some things I really liked.
- Showing the knife inside Kyle's chest is really cool.
- The dollhouse tripping him up was pretty cool, too.

Some things I didn't like so much.
- I'm not a big fan of using fluffy language to say simple things, e.g., "Twinkling suburban lights die a quick death..." Get on with the story!
- When we first meet Kyle, we read that he's wearing a "soaking wet suit". I pictured him as a scuba diver. Of course, I figured out very quickly that he wasn't, but you might want to change that wording just a bit.

Overall, it was great. I really enjoyed it. (It reminded me a little bit of the Twilight Zone episode called "It's a Good Life", where the little boy sends people "to the cornfield" when he's angry with them.)

My Score: VERY GOOD.

Shyama Kant Misra (Level 3)

Good beginning. Good use of English language. All the same, I feel you could have done better as far as the formatting part was concerned.

The story, which obviously deals with telepathy/mind reading, doesn’t seem to be very consistent with regard to application of these practices. While the female appeared to have mind-reading as well as hypnotic powers, the man too seems to have another kind of power. He not only ‘hears’ his own voice (V.O.) himself but also that of his wife, once, and finally of his daughter, at the very end.

Sorry, I didn’t comprehend much of the action. A little more clarity in the story would have certainly helped.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Some pretty non-conventional formatting, but I think it works in context of the story. Some of the descriptions were a little overdone, but it made for a more gripping tale of psychotica and such. I liked the visual nature of the candlelights ghostly glow and the image reflected on her knife. Liked the intercutting of the crazy-beating heart and Jacinthe's creepy little spasms. Course, judging from the ending he's not entirely done with dealing with this problem, but hopefully not to the extent where he has to self-mutilate to hide his thoughts. Good job.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is well written and pretty creepy. Your use of voice over is well chosen and well done. I like Jacinthe and her insanity. I really like how your focus on her powers is passing, but does not take anything away from the story itself. It seems like they are completely normal - I do not find myself wondering why she can do these things. I think it's because you have her using them in such a domestic fashion. Very well done. Your descriptions make her very real, give her a presence. Great job!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is very well written, although I don't see how Kyle's gonna drive away from having a big knife in his chest. So it didn't pierce his heart... it still went through flesh and veins and stuff. He'd be royally screwed.

I kind of saw the ending (Cara having the power) coming... and I think you could have given her a better, not so easy to figure out line.

Altogether, this is VERY GOOD!


Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2009 12:03 AM

Congratulations. It is so good to have you back again. You do not disappoint. I loved this.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 12:12 AM

Congratulations! Great story.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 12:23 AM

Well done! Surprised to see your name up there again.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 12:38 AM

Congrats Matias! Another awesome script.

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2009 1:11 AM

congrats

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 1:37 AM

Congrats for the second time! What a story...

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 7:41 AM

Really fun script. Congratulations! I loved the shot of the knife in his chest. Ya don't see THAT every day.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 4:57 PM

Thanks for the comments. :)

They were really helpful to make me see this script weaknesses. I'll definitely do a rewrite based on the feedback I got.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 6:52 PM

You deserve your first place. This story is original and beautifully written.
I found your humble comment under "Tears" interesting; I gave your story an excellent, as well as "Tears." The two stories are different, and obviously, I'm not the only reader who felt yours deserving of a precious five. Congratulations!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2009 12:11 AM

I found the humble comment under "Tears" to be a load of bull. This script was a blast and deserved exactly what it got.

Here's why your writing rules, and why you need to buy a camera and start filming your own stuff: You are a great choreographer. You tie shots and lines and thoughts together so well and I'll bet you a shiny nickel that you could do it visually.

In my opinion, the absolutely greatest moment in this script...it's beautiful...a guy lights his way with his cell phone only to reveal the insane lady that says he's late that brings the shot back full circle to the cell phone light displaying the time...stuff like that is freaking brilliant. Seriously.

You could be the next M.Night Shamahamalny. Only with Latino mojo.

Great win. Well deserved.

(I have another review coming your way...be patient.)

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 11/2/2009 4:45 AM

2 things...

1. Does Kyle no nothing about telekinesis?

2. Matias is really Robert Benton in disguise and needs to get off this site and let us amateurs have a chance. Seriously guy, WHO ARE YOU AND WHY AREN'T YOU FAMOUS YET?!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 11/2/2009 4:58 AM

Kevin NOT Kyle!

Sorry Kyle, I meant to say Kevin.

Ali Barr (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2009 9:52 AM

Great job. As always, your writing is so tight and visual. Very inspiring. I didn't get to this one in my reading but it was definitely a winner.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/2/2009 2:15 PM

Thanks guys.

And Erich, there's no hurry with the feature review. I know you're busy plotting how to conquer the world. :D

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 11/3/2009 5:40 PM

Congratulations Matias, I only managed to review 2 sripts for this contest and I'm so glad this one was yours. Great to have you submitting again.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/4/2009 7:51 AM

Glad you liked it. :)

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 12/25/2009 6:41 PM

It wasn't until after I finished reading that I understood why he was cutting his own hand. At first I thought he was trying to cover up for some other bad thing he had done. I think a lot of effort went into talking about the things that were happening and not why they were happening. Using V.O.'s maybe you could have made a comment about trying to kill the wife before she went mad and killed him. It was an easy read and I could visualize it quite well.

Jorge Swaby (Level 2) ~ 3/18/2010 12:26 AM

why can't I read the script

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 3/18/2010 11:22 AM

@Jorge: I made the script "unavailable" because it needs a serious rewrite and I couldn't get to it yet. If you are still curious, I just changed the status back to "available".

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 2/14/2012 1:06 PM

I wish I could read this, but it is unavailable. I think the best stories besed on the loglines are unavailabe.


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Chris Messineo ~ Khamanna Iskandarova ~ KP Mackie ~ Erich VonHeeder