Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This could be tightened up a bit and Claire could use a better introduction. 20's doesn't tell us anything aout her character. The story itself was rather dull. We spend 4.5 pages with Brian figuring out his formula before we reach the mediocre punchline it had all been building towards. If this is a comedy, which I get the sense it was supposed to be, then it needs to be a LOT funnier. There can't be gaps 2-3 pages long without any humor in a 5 page comedy script. Overall, this was a decent effort but needs some polishing.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This script has potential, but the first scene seems a little strange without having got to know the characters already. Also, Mark is an unsympathetic character, and the taxi driver is weird.

At the beginning of the script, Brian is described as “a little geeky”, but for most of the script he seems (though not as awkward) as disconnected from other people as Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory but not as funny. Balancing this with a slightly more realistic portrayal of geekiness might make the central storyline funnier.

The ending is wonderful, though, with Mark’s speech showing his character’s (completed) arc and his love for Claire. This is what the story is all about, and if the writer can bring the rest of the script up to this standard, then it should be a truly great script.

A good effort.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm not convinced that Claire would be so upset when Brian asks for a scale. This is the guy she loves.

Brian is scribbling An exasperated PROFESSOR is trying - better to say Brian scribbles, professor tries.

It's an original idea but perhaps needs more variety in the execution - after Brian asking one or two people it got a bit too formulaic and I was desperate for a surprise. None came.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Is this about the first 10 page screenplay contest? No, ok.

I'm getting the scores and last month the the quality of writing is much better. I didn't find a flaw in this and the twist in the end was entertaining. Although I have been reminded that math doesn't make for good drama.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was very sweet.

I sort of knew where it was going and where it would end up, but Brian was so likable I didn't mind too much.

Your craft is good and I enjoyed this. I especially loved the ending, although I think I would have been tempted to title this "8.3".

Dave Patten (Level 1)

I really like Brian's character and his dorky antics. I felt like the scenes where he gathers variable information could be meshed into a montage, so that you can spend more time on developing the tension between he and Claire. Her character needs more explanation, why she is so flip-floppy with her emotions, crying one second and laughing the next. Also, what kind of relationship do they have if she is capable of storming off on him when he is about to propose to her? It seems like if they are that close, she would understand his inability to be smooth, etc.

I think you have great characters and a great plot. I would make a few adjustments to make the story flow smoothly, in a cleaner cut.

David Birch (Level 5)

decent little story...seemed to have a few too many "ly" words...usually frowned upon in "scriptland"...gazes briefly...smiles happily...supportively holds...hurries tearfully...waves vaguely...happily works...ridiculously oversized...some are okay and can't be avoided...but a stable of distinct "action" verbs and tight writing will improve the read and move you way up on the scale...as far as the story goes, the ending was a bit cliche, but a 5 pager tends to lend itself to that sort of thing...brian is a fun protag to root for...thanks...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A simple little story. Set up a goal for the character, send him on a mission, and in the end, he succeeds or fails that mission. It’s a story so that always scores well in my book.

I do have a lot of problems though with how the action reads. Obvious issues with verb use. Way too much non-active or less than active verb choices and what I feel are unfocused action descriptions. It’s not just about the verb use, that should never be used to down-grade a screenplay. However, when a reader notices the construction of action lines or dialog, then the writer looses the reader to distractions. A reader should always simply flow with the words rather than stop along the journey.

There’s a good premise here, but the presentation detracts from the story.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I like the title, I toyed with the reverse 10-1 for a story about a gambler. Scale of one to ten is a good transition if you want to give this a regular title later on too. Point is, great title.

This is a real sweet story, but there was quite a bit devoted to his search, which lessened the impact of the end a little. The crisis moment happened too early, right alongside the hook. That moment being the threat of Claire leaving Brian. I suppose you could qualify "Claire about to cry" as a crisis moment, but it's not that strong of one and was resolved rather quickly by Brian. Well, it was the last page.

I liked the character of Brian. Claire was a bit brief, but served her purpose. The dialogue was light, and I got a chuckle with Mary. You had a few characters, but they didn't intrude, or confuse. The roommate was another one.

You have a good handle on the craft that's for sure. I noticed no errors with formatting and more importantly the story unfolded before my eyes with crisp and clear action.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Excellent SP. I was smiling at the end and that's ALWAYS a good sign.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Excellent! What a cute, lighthearted, romantic comedy!

The story doesn't feel repetitive to me as Brian takes different opinions from different type of people: friend, mom, taxi driver, and professor. The answers from each of them are so different that you can't help but chuckle at the different variation of characters in this world. The ending is very satisfying as well, especially the real answer that Brian gave. That made me laugh.

The characters are so likable and real. Dialogues are cute. I also liked how the scenes are so clean cut and lean without unnecessary babel. You just go straight into the subject.

I don't think you need to ask me. You know what score I'm giving you already. One of my favorites!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

This was so cute. I loved how that one question really stumped him, and was glad to see Brian's response at the very end. The various opinions were also very well done. I think my favorite part though had to be when Claire asked Brian for the real number, and he responded 8.3. You created such a memorable person, and gave him characteristics that really felt real. Very nicely done.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I liked the fact that the script immediately makes you start rooting for the main character and also feeling bad for Claire. I was reading something recently about needing to start a script off with an immediate obstacle or problem that forces the reader to identify and care about the character. I think you do this well right at the start. I also liked that you had a variety of other characters in the story including the friend, taxi driver, mother, teacher. The script offers up a few different points of view on the same topic in a short space. I also liked that you ended it with a funny line instead of just leaving it with the poetic answer as the final word. Even though the script is about one idea of quantifying love, you add more texture and make it more iteresting by bringing in these different things.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Although the ending was cute, most of the dialogue seemed forced to me and just not easy to relate to. I'd also like to know more about her and what she's feeling in the beginning. Is she joking around with him or trying to test him?

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"A little geeky" Is an understatement. :)

I loved the taxi cab speech. Ha!

I love Brain's dialogue, even though, I have to admit, that I don't understand more than half the things he is saying, but maybe you meant it to be that way. But anyway... the script was GREAT! I loved everything that he did to measure his love for her, and the ending was very funny.
At first I was thinking he sounded kind of lame, but then she asked him what he really got and I rolled over laughing at his response. What a great ending.

I don't know whether I want to give this script a very good or an excellent.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Yes, admittedly this script is very very cheesy, but hey, you've gotta fall for it, I know I did.

I think you've created a very sweet story by making the most of the short script format. Rather than try to set it out like a feature film (one of the most common mistakes in short script's I've read), you embrace the form by giving your script a simple syntax. An exploration of opinions on love through Brian's interactions with his piers.

The two closing lines were brilliant and vital as they showed your awareness of the cheesyness.

I really have nothing to complain about so well done and keep it up.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

A very numbery script. I liked how the whole thing revolved around numbers and calculations, yet the main theme was love and how much you love someone. It is an interesting thought, measuring the love one has for another in calculable terms. Brian's asking for advice produced several comedic moments while simultaneously putting into perspective the different ways that people approach relationships and love. Very well done. Your writing was also fluid and clear, making the script an easy and enjoyable read. What keeps me from giving this an excellent is that the ending sort of dries up a bit. I expected him to say what he said followed by the 8.3 final rating. It could have been perhaps more effective to go with the rating first, as that would've probably shocked the audience as much as Claire, then let his switch to the 'your love is incalculable" speech to soften and mend things up. Or maybe something completely different. Overall, this was a sweet little script and I enjoyed it much. Very Good Indeed!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I loved this script! It's funny, charming, paced at perfection, and just down right fun. I'd love to see this as a short film. Your characters are very dynamic and very believable. Your dialogue is spot on and your ending is perfect. My only recommendation would be with the character names. Mark and Mary are very close and could cause confusion. That said, this was an excellent script.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

The idea is ok but it doesn't make any sense. I think this needs to focus on what you are trying to do. The equation is a big part right. Then why isn't this more of a romantic comedy than just a sex comedy. It just fell flat after mark started to talk. What does boob and arse ratio have to do with anything? It just went totally off kilter in that sense. Good idea but I think it can be done a whole lots better.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a fun idea. I really liked Brian talking to taxi driver, I think it adds wonderful texture. I'd also liked a cliched taxi driver the one with middle eastern accent - that would be fun to watch.

I can see it filmed. I think if done right, it could be very funny little short. It went a little fast for me but maybe that's the only way to tell this story.
It felt rushed at moments. The scene when he is told it's from one to ten...not enough of the motivation for him to research, I think.
Why 8.3 though? I felt cheated a bit, want to know how he came up with to support that. If you had the explanation you could title it 8.3 --just a thought.

Good work, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Some really funny stuff in here, once the story gets going.
Predictable beginning needs some fixing. Brian and Claire, both in their 20s -- a "geeky" description for him, nothing for her. Perhaps, too young to be getting married, considering the "How much?" inquiry from Claire. Maybe exclude the engagement. Less serious and plants the idea, subtext, that Brian might be a bit of a cad, like his friend Mark.
Visual variety of locations; ie, restaurant terrace with "a sensational view," Brian's desk "a temple to calculation and analytics," Mom's, taxi, lecture hall. Like the "exasperated Professor...trying to escape" description.
Dialogue is very good. Mark has a distinctive voice; learned a new Aussie phrase, "Oi Bazza." Terrific contrast from Mom's ideas, "What about trust?...caring...Love of children" to the Taxi Driver's comparisons of "a dog with a cat...A lion and a gazelle" and "a donkey." Witty and snappy.
Nice frame, ending where the story begins, but would use a new location at the end anyway. With the distraction of the ring gone, Brian's heartfelt dialogue would be the focal point. Subtext, again. Is Brian genuine? On the heels of his profound declaration, a great kicker --"So what number did you really get?...Eight point three." Returns the story to its less than serious tone.
Fun and enjoyable.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I wanted to like this one a lot, but you lost me with that first scene. It was supposed to be realistic, but, honestly, what man in the world would actually blow the proposal by taking the question as a math problem? It just played weird, not funny and poignant. The subsequent scenes were funny and well-thought-out, but I just can't overcome the unfortunate setup. I think it'd play better if he were simply trying to figure this out because she asked him, not because he ruined a proposal. A question is a question, a proposal is a proposal, and I don't think the two should've been mixed.

The ending was cute, and I enjoyed it. My suggestion (for whatever it's worth): keep the mirrored scenes of the restaurant terrace, but take out the proposal in the first scene, and have him wait to pull out the ring until he says "You." Since we suddenly now know that the relationship's going to a new and unexpected level, the turnaround with the 8.3 at the end is even funnier.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was cute. Nice idea. I think it started off a bit weak though. Maybe if you showed more of his personality before he went on his crazy quest, it would have been more believable. As is, she just asks him the question and he's gone. I think there needs to be a bit more depth to his character before he does that. Maybe as he's figuring out the tip on the check...over anylizing it...something to set up what he does. I did like it though. Just think it needs a tweek on the set up. Good job. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the surreal foolish quest to quantify love that Brian undertakes, even if the story is not very original.

It's quite strange for her to demand him to calculate his love for her, when it's obviously just a test to make him say what he says at the end. And on Brian's end, it's strange for him not to realise what the request was immediately and respond appropriately. The whole story hangs around these actions, and I found them quite implausible.

I liked the different scenes when he was asking different people about how to measure love, but it didn't really feel like it was tackling new ground.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Very sweet... predictable, but sweet.

Your format, style, and structure are very well done. I really don't have anything bad to say other than its predictability prevent me from scoring it higher.

Come to think of it, there's no climax in the story. You just cut to a conclusion and its aftermath. Brian spends all of his time collecting data and so little time is spent on his deriving the conclusion. A conclusion is not a climax. That's what's missing! You need to show Brian as a man about to break, in fact, break him! Show him as so obsessed with the formula that he shatters... then YUREEKA!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Nice and nuanced, the ending ringed through and it made me chuckle. Heartfelt and sweet. Notrhing too amazing though, but I liked how you set things up and made it work. There's nothing that really sticks, I guess you could make the visuals a bit more interesting, this would work as a novel too and it shouldn't. There should be something visually striking. Something that can only be done on film. Other than that I don't know what to say, you did good, but the story was kind of simple. Perhaps showing him running the tests could increase the tension?

BEST MOMENT: The little quip at the end. 8.3.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was fun and humorous. You covered a lot of ground as if it was a feature, but it didn't feel rushed, the pacing seemed fine.

Brian is likable and we do root for him and his mathematical quest.

I liked how each scene ended with a funny line, including the final scene, good job with that.

The ending is happy, if not a bit mushy and predictable, but still satisfying nonetheless.

Finding a scientific or mathematical explanation for love seems a little familiar as a subject for a plot, although a specific story doesn't spring to mind.

Your screenwriting is good, only try to keep some if a little more active, try to curtail the usage of "is" and "and."

Format appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There was a sweetness to this that I couldn't help but like. You seem to have bookended this script beautifully. I thought the opening was a strong set up and I loved the circle back to the same location for the reveal at the end. I thought the second act, the middle pages needed more. I can defintely see the friend talk. That was a nice transition but from there, I thought the science-minded Brian would escalate the search for an equation. How would we, the audience, know he was talking to his Mother? It wouldn't be obvious to me, given the quick scene. The Taxi Driver didn't work for me at all. Did you consider having Brian go to a think tank or life coach? The professor scene works and whatever level you replace the taxi driver with, I would escalate for this last round of questions. For example, go from the professor to the Chair of the Department. Claire was sweet at the end and I loved the tag -- what number did you really come up with? She knows him and loves him for who he is. Sweet and enjoyable. This one worked for me. I hope it does well. Best of luck.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This will no doubt make a terrific short film. Possibly my favorite so far. I loved Brian and his problems and was totally into the scenes following Brian's quest to find love. I even love the little joke at the end and really a majority of the jokes throughout. Now to be cliche, I give it a 10.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

:D Thats me, smiling after reading this one.

I am a sucker for some emo-man-tear action, and this was a feel good story that anyone who has ever been in love or in a math class can understand. Plus, I'm a sucker for romance. I really don't have too much to add or hit you on, so I guess I'll loose some characters from my comment average and just say GOOD JOB!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww so so cute. I loved this.. what a sweet script. I love the characters. Your dialogue is priceless!! no variables there! Really good story and I hope it does well for you. It's probably my favorite one so far.

nice work.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very cute story and a VERY cute ending. It was also fun when he was collecting variables to plug into his formula.

The only weak point (for me, anyway) was the beginning. Claire goes from joyous to crestfallen pretty darn quickly. (If I were Brian, at that point I might be plugging "bipolar" into my equation.) That scene would work a little better (in my humble opinion) if Claire's reaction were a little more subdued -- something short of hurrying tearfully away. At the end, too, when "Claire is about to cry." Maybe a more subdued reaction would be better. (I liked, "Claire gazes wearily at the folder." Weary seems about right. Or frustrated.)

Anyway, in spite of Claire's overreactions, I really enjoyed it. A very fun and clever story.

My score: VERY GOOD.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a very sweet story in the end, with some nice chuckles along the way. I like Mark, great job of portraying his accent. Liked when Brian cornered the professor. Overall I think you've crafted a fun and sweet little story. Keep it up!

GOOD

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This would have been so easy to have been another cheesy pun-riddled love story, but your variety of colorful characters keeps every page fresh. We already know that Claire loves Brian because of her reaction on the terrace, so this makes me want to root for him as much as smack him. I was thinking that this would end with Brian solving the equation, then discovering his time away from Claire forced her to move on, I'm so glad you opted to keep them together; and your ending had a nice one-two punch with the mushy scene and the real number giveaway. This is one tough-ass competitive month, and this deserves honorable mention if not top three. Excellent.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Enjoyable show -- wonderful idea, not too mawkish, understated and interesting. Claire turned a bit quickly at the beginning, felt as though you needed to get rid of her, so her quick reaction felt forced.

But a solid and fun read -- 8.3 brought a smile to my face.

The questioning of the professor, cabbie and mother were a deft touch.

Very good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:11 AM

Congratulations! I'm sorry I didn't get a rating in on this, but I'll read it and let you know what I think. I know I'll enjoy.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2009 12:12 AM

Great script. Congratulations on the HM.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2009 12:42 AM

Yes! I really really liked this one.!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 4:43 AM

My favorite this month!

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 2:12 PM

Hi, Philip, congratulations on the Honorable Mention!

This was tremendous fun and your writing is inspirational.

Thank you.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 12/3/2009 10:11 AM

Thanks for all your comments. I’m thrilled to get an Honorable Mention. This is my first go at a romantic comedy and I feel good about it.

Edheba Jerry (Level 0) ~ 12/3/2009 5:12 PM

beautiful story line i like the ending though it seemed obvious how it was going to end but the suspence was cool with me

Douglas Noble (Level 1) ~ 5/3/2010 12:47 PM

I enjoyed the story very much. The story kept me entertained and intrigued. I enjoyed the the joke at the end very much. The middle could use a little work, but other than that great work.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 5/9/2010 3:47 PM

Douglas, thanks. I think this script is quite filmable, limited locations, small cast who only appear two at a time, and the leads are student age, so I'm hoping to see this on screen someday.

Robert L McBride (Level 2) ~ 12/17/2011 11:08 PM

Pure! a beautiful story line. It kept my attention all the way through. I really like your writing style.