Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well, this was written and paced very well but I'm afraid I must have completely missed the point because I have no idea what this was about. We've got an emo guy that submerges himself in a tub as part of a military training exercise and, while immersed, seems to be having flashbacks to a beating he witnessed in front of a gay bar. I don't know... I finished this script and just scratched my head. It was written well, but I don't get it.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Another title had a 273. Close but no match.

No need for a page number on the first page.
You spaces between the scene headings actually look correct unlike so many others. However you did get an extra space between your scene heading and you first action block.

This was written well and the cuts between the tub and the bar were effective. I usually don't like preachy pieces, but this wasn't. I'm going to give you an Excellent unfortunately this will certainly exclude you from the top three like every other script I rate as excellent.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved this.

Phenomenal visuals. Great character. I love the intercutting. Your craft is flawless.

This would be a very powerful short film.

Simply, excellent.

David Birch (Level 5)

certainly a different take on the "coming of age" genre...like the originality...not sure sexual identity is a "choice"...most of my interaction with the lgbt community say that they have little ambiguity when it comes to their identity...plus, i would choose a different slug than "gay bar"...i'd give it a name like "the petting zoo"...or "the hard sell"...something like that...anyway, nice go at the contest...a good read...thanks...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Parts of this I really do like. I think the writer pulled me along with good pacing and interesting editing of the intercut scenes. Seemingly unconnected scenes do pull together to tell a story.

I’m forced to fill in a few gaps but that’s how a good story can work. Give enough information to a reader so they can fill in gaps.

A visual story as well.

I guess it’s more than just parts I like. I like the overall script.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I think you should use crew cuts, instead of military hair cut to describe the attackers. That, coupled with the drill sergeant voice over, I thought it was servicemen, you don't want that do you?

You need to spell out numbers when in dialogue. How does the actor know whether to say two hundred seventy, or two seven zero?

Although this was written very well, visual, crisp, great description, a live character, I didn't understand the story. I take it Jason is an ex-marine, and he feels guilty for not helping his gay friends, but what does holding your breath underwater demonstrate, what is the significance?

This needs to be clarified for me, unless I'm dense. If this one wins I'll find that out.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

An interesting story about having to choose. Well written. Here are a few notes.

"The gang kick him over and over again." Should be KICKS.

"The gang run off, their feet pounding on the street." Should be RUNS.

"Jason sits bolt upright, water streaming from his head, his body." Consider instead: "Jason bolts upright..."

Herman Chow (Level 5)

That's some creative and subtle writing you got there. Although I didn't fully understand the story, I still feel the frustration and tension that Jason was going through. I'm guessing Jason was feeling very guilty about not saving the person at the gay bar? And through the underwater test he remembers the entire scenario.

I usually prefer a script with more story, but the way you executed this situation-anecdote is thrilling enough for me to enjoy. Especially the ticking clock. TICK. TICK. You might want to expand the story a bit so Jason's intention can be a bit more clear. You still have three-quarter of a page left.

The writing is good. I can follow along the script even you went back and forth between the bathroom and the gay bar. Good job.

My score: GOOD.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

You've painted quite a picture, but I'm not exactly sure what is going on. It's obvious that Jason is under some duress, but I'm still unclear as to what that is. What exactly did he have to choose? Was he part of the gang? Or simply hiding? Was the choice to help or not to help? I was, however, able to picture everything you described, and I didn't see any errors that I could think of. The ending also had me confused, since I still wasn't sure as to what was going on.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Love the ticks. It gives the story a nice build. The script is subtle enough with its clues to cause the audience to have to think but not so subtle that they don't understand.
Very good!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

This is the third time I have seen "Back to scene" That's not proper format. What happened to INT./EXT., I personally don't believe there should be anything in bold letters on the far right side of the page.

"One of the gays" I think you could of stated that better. It seems kind of offensive.

Damn, that was crazy. Holding his breath symbolized whether or not he was going to change. That was actually pretty good.

But was he imagining the drill sergeant, or did he go to one of those scared "straight" camps? Or was he IN the scared "straight" camp at the time, because the sergeant was on the PA system...

Okay, I think I get it all now. I enjoyed it.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I liked this. Wasn't sure where it was going, which I thought was great. This script tells me I have a lot of learning to do. It was sad, as stereotyped thinking gets a lot of innocent people with different race, sexual preference, killed. I think Jason held out under water pretty well. Very well written.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Interesting, during the first read I didn't fully understand the link between Jason's duel plots. After thinking hard about it I see Jason's position and what he is choosing between, however I don't think the screenplay made this clear enough. For example it wasn't made apparent why he was outside the Gar bar, on first read I thought he was just passing by or lurking around for no obvious reason.

Also, I would have liked to know the purpose of the military excercise as it seemed a little pointless.

Other than this I really liked your script, it was paced well and you used very powerful imagery. Well Done.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Does Jason want to be gay? Is he scared of the repercussions? Does cutting his hair at the end means that he chose not to be gay?

Your writing is good and the script has a good flow to it, but I feel that these questions were left unanswered, or maybe ambiguously addressed. The success of the script borders on these questions being answered clearly because the story focuses on his decision to be gay or not. I take it that at the end he did not want to be gay, but I could be wrong and I'm not 100% sure because not much visual or spoken clues are given. I wish the script would have been a bit more clear on that subject.

Apart from this, I think you did a Good Job and I like the unique circumstance that you presented here. Having to make a life-changing decision always makes for good drama.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

Your script has some very strong visuals. I liked the scene where the man stretches his arm out to Jason begging for his help, only to have the gang member smash his foot on his hand. It really creates a sense of hopelessness during that scene and I think that any dialogue would have ruined it. However, I found myself a little confused at times. After going back and reading it again, I'm thinking that Jason is trying to decided whether he is going to join the gang or not. Going by that, your ending is pretty powerful when he decides that that's the route he's going to go. Still, I would have liked to have a little bit more explained, but overall it's a pretty good script.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I loved it. 270 seconds and he is in the military. To help all the gays bullied by the military (in this case)... (did I understand it right?) I think it could be even better - you could show him coming out of the bar - Jason could be one of the bar people, he is wearing eye make-up after all... --Just a thought.

I loved it! All the visions, great job.

You could change "one of the gays" to something "politically sound", as I think some people might feel offended. Maybe state that he is one of the "bar people" and describe him.. --again, just a thought.

I think Excellent.

P.S. All the bathroom scenes in the middle are formatted as a flashback. I don't see why. -but that's a tiny complaint.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting idea and execution. Good title.
The ticking clock is an effective device, except it might be overused. After the clock is described at the beginning, it probably isn't necessary to continually remind the reader with "tick, tick, tick, tick." Would provide a terrific sound effect for the actual movie.
Also may not need Jason's outbursts, "Choose!" As he watches from "the shadows" outside the gay bars, the subtext is clear that he is wrestling with his identity.
Like the ending as Jason apparently does "choose," cutting off "his long wet hair."

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A visually stunning little piece. Imaginative. Great job on the quick cuts, the use of the mirror and water, and all that.

The story was a little strange, in that I didn't see the actual motivation for Jason's choice. He keeps saying that he has to choose, but I didn't really see the balance of the scales of choice. Was it simply fear that he'd get beat up, too? Because, if so, that wasn't clear at all. That's just the best I could come up with. Is the point of your story about violence, or peer pressure, or societal norms, or what?

I'm also a little confused because you tell us right at the end that Jason has long hair. If he has long hair, then he must not be a Marine already. I assumed he was a Marine already, because of the VO. But he's almost too young to be a washout. So I'm not sure how the military theme fits into the story.

Jason appearing dead was a nice touch, by the way, in the deep throes of his life-altering decision. But again, although the choice itself was beautifully set up, the reasons behind the choice eluded me.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I was stunned at the end. Very good story.

I think you're going to get some comments about over-writing on this, but I really liked the visual way you write. Really. The degree of detail works for me.

If there were any punctuation or spelling errors, I didn't notice them. The one formatting comment I'll make is that you don't need to number the first page.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I like this very much but a couple parts confused me. Is Jason a Marine? I thought he was but how could he be if he has long hair? Or does he want to be a Marine and has to choose between being gay and becoming a Marine?

Despite my confusion, this was written very well. I love the VO's and him being under the water during the flashbacks was intense. Very good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The building tension through the fast cuts between the scenes and the ticking was very good.

I like how the audience is just given small impressions of what happened. It simulates the memory process really well, as well as the life flashing through his eyes right before he almost drowns. I can imagine the haunting ticking.

Very good.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Not my cup of tea, but well written. It seems that "choose" means he's supposed to decide whether to live or kill himself, that he's conflicted about being gay, that he's conflicted about having watched the gang kill the man and done nothing. I'm not entirely sure of the symbolism of cutting his hair, although I guess he's trying to reflect the ugliness he feels internally to others through his appearance. If my interpretation is correct, then you've succeeded. If not, then I hope my interpretation can help you revise to meet your goal.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Weird.

Very well written and kept me engaged till the end.

Well...that's about it... how 'bout them Vikings.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I have to be honest here, I didn't feel much about this story. It's still well written and I like the theme, but I didn't feel it was all that visual. Perhaps because your head-in-water-scene is trampled by the likes of Let The Right One In. othere than that, isn't 270 seconds WAY too long for a marine excersize? Or is that truly the length that they test people underwater? That's 4 and a half minutes! I should know because my script alluded to that same number :P, so I'm pretty sure my title will surprise you too.

Your writing is strong, but I'm missing something here, a little more story truthfully.
BEST MOMENT: Your description of his hair at the beginning. Strong.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is structured very uniquely and is effective to a point, but I did have to read it three times to try to comprehend everything that is happening, which is both good and bad. Good, because I was intrigued and wanted to understand everything.

I'm not sure I'm picking up on all the subtext and meaning to this. If it turns out that I am the only reviewer who had this problem, then I do apologize.

The way I understand it: Jason is struggling with his sexuality, sees the soldiers beat up the gay couple, then joins the military to combat these feelings he's fighting. Could I be right about that?

If so, it's a poignant topic and one that happens more than people think. It's such an intriguing theme, I wonder if the story can be told much more straight-forward, so this theme doesn't get lost in the translation.

Your screenwriting is good; format as mentioned is unique; didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a fantastic tense tight script. The writing is very strong and I like the way you have told a very visual story around meaningful moral issues.

I'm guessing you'd be aiming to have this run to the actual 270 seconds, so it makes for a very strong title and use of the number theme.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This one drew me in right away. I would not have included the crown of thorns line but I saw where you were going with it. I think you could actually remove several of the TICKS as you have them. Indicating a sound effect is sometimes critical to the mood of one scene but it's really the director's decision to have it reoccur or use it in succeeding scenes. If you plan to shoot this yourself - it's fine. I also don't think the use of BACK TO SCENE is proper. It's a flashback and should have a separate slug line. My one suggestion would be to tag one more scene at the end. Having Jason hack off his hair is a good start but it's not overwhelmingly clear that he's chosen to go into the military. I would maybe show a uniform hanging on the closet door behind him or show Jason, with his hair cut, getting on a bus with his duffle bag to enlist or something. Overall though I think you neatly gave a dramatic short with the compelling title that factored into the plot. It's early for me in my reviews but this is the best I've read and my favorite thus far. Nice job.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This went totally over my head... I wasn't really sure what happened. The flashbacks were confusing... not sure what it was about... I guess really it's not my taste, maybe a little to artsy for me. I did like the descriptions, though, I could picture things. I'd just clarify the plot of your script.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

This was written with a polished style, a smooth read start to finish. I liked the descriptions and the lean writing.

If I have it correct, Jason is a gay man who is trying to decide whether or not to join the Marines?

I sense his fear while he's in the shadows, watching someone get beat up. I wish he could have done something. It makes me think he's a coward, watching the couple get beat up. Leads me to not want to root for the guy.

He is courageous at the end though, in joining the Marines despite the beating the military dudes gave thegay couple.

Good luck with your entry.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

Hmmmm...is he gay?

My first inclination is that the main character was gay and that he was choosing between a military lifestyle or being gay. Maybe a little more clarifying at the end would have clinched it. The writing was very good, but the ending was lost on me. Sorry.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very good script, with a lot of depth and emotion. I felt the sense of time clicking away, when Jason was under water. It added a lot to the story. I think this one is going to do very well.

Your title was perfectly in tune with the concept and story.

Writing was tight and visual, and I could picture every scene in my mind. I love reading scripts like this, that leave me thinking.

Good work. Excellent score.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A pretty decent story. Jason is two people, the pretty boy (possibly gay) with the eye make-up, and the tough-guy prospective Marine. But he sees a gay man assaulted by some guys with "military haircuts" and realizes that, in order to become a Marine he has to choose which Jason he really wants to be. After passing the "hold your breath" test, he decides to be the tough guy, and he cuts his long hair.

Not bad, but there should have been more emotion. Jason's choice was really the whole story, and rather than showing us the tug-of-war going on inside him, his whole dilemma is masked by the hold-your-breath test. His emotional conflict isn't really shown to us at all -- it's pointed out to us (three times) by him looking at himself in the mirror and saying, "Choose!" That's really violating the "show, don't tell" rule -- you should be showing us his internal conflict, not telling us about it.

Anyway, it's a pretty clever idea for a story, and there's a lot of potential for a story about a young man dealing with an inner conflict like this. It needs more emotion, though.

My score: GOOD.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a good script, the pace is great. The subject matter is always pertinent. The continuity presented by the ticking clock is very well done. Really like the ending, it's vague in the best possible way. It leaves you with important questions about the intentions of the character, and simultaneously questions life outside of the film. Great job!

VERY GOOD

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This is impressively tense. Great visuals and audios that most directors love. Also most actors would love to take on this role, although there isn't much for lines, there would be the challenge of creating the intesity you're probably after. To some it may not seem complete and be more fitting as a very strong sequence in a larger piece. I for one would enjoy watching this on the big screen.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2009 12:03 AM

Congratulations! I loved this story. One of my all-time favorites of yours.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:06 AM

Congrats Caroline!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:07 AM

Caroline, you rock! This was a God-smacker.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:13 AM

I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but well done Caroline.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2009 12:26 AM

excellent Caroline!!!!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:28 AM

Loved it! Congrats!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 6:35 AM

Hey you made it! Great Job. This was received one of my rare 'excellents' and you did make the top 3! Oh no, I'm becoming a MoviePoet voting drone, arghh!!!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/1/2009 9:23 AM

This was extremely powerful, the TICK -- images abound, so emotionally tight and raw. Wow, fantastic script. Without question, one of my favorites to date -- brilliant.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 2:08 PM

Congratulations, Caroline!

I hope I was on the right track with interpreting this story, but any confusion would result from my own short-comings as a reader.

It's a topical and poignant theme you've touched upon, one you've written about in the past, and I appreciate the attention you bring to it and the responsibility in which you handle it with.

Thank you.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/1/2009 2:22 PM

You pretty much nailed it, Paul - thank you for not giving up on my subtext!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/14/2009 5:57 PM

What an opening! Masterful description.

(golly, I think I've got you on a typo - shouldn't 'round' read 'around'? (can see it would have pushed for a second line though!))

Beautiful. simple. evocative. pertinent. and very, very clever.

As are you.

Well done wondrous Brit chick, awesome writer - you are just getting better and better and I'm so glad you've hit your stride, I learn tonnes from you.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/14/2009 6:05 PM

I've just read the reviews and am bowled over by how this confused so many people and yet still got such a great score - that's powerful writing. Kudos.