Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

I love the opening scene. Love, love, love it! You painted the perfect picture, and the dialogue is so realistic for an eight-year-old.

I really thought your story was heading in a different direction than it went, but it was still really good. I find it very hard to believe Robby still believes in Santa at age 13, though. If anything, I feel like his character should say that Santa isn't real and finder keepers or something like that.

Also, the end with the book thing is adorable. The only thing you might want to change is to shorten Charlie's last line. It sound almost too mature for an eight-year-old.

Your writing style is surely terrific, though, and I really liked reading this.

Nice job!

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I enjoyed every bit of this story. I never felt bored, not for a nano-second. -Yes I can feel a nano-second of boredom-. You got me with the ending. The ending didn't feel right for meany reason. Why Santa would give the boy such a book. You wanted to the boy to avenge his humiliation, but all you did is humiliating ever worse. The other thing is that you should told us about the Bad boy in the first scene. The set up of the last scene is important. The period between the set-up and the solution is what gives the film the flame of suspense. Yet, I wish I can write as half as good as you.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I thought this was written and formatted very well. The only exception is that there is a period after Fade Out, not a colon, but that's a very minor issue. The story was great. Family friendly, funny, completely unique and creative. I enjoyed this very much. Thanks. You're getting my 2nd Excellent of the month (and I only have 1 script left to go after this.) Great work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I must be honest and say I was a bit worried that I will find this very sickly sweet schmaltzy when I read the description of the child!

I do find it annoying when people capitalise things like CHRISTMAS PAPER. It makes me feel as though I'm being treated like an idiot who can't notice details for myself. Okay for a shooting script to help production.

I thought this would be a very good Christmas tale though, for children, with sufficient boyish jokes and unseemly things like wetting pants to make it interesting!

Not too sickly at all and flawlessly well written,

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

You used 'red' twice in one line. I'd change the second red to bloodshot/irritated/something other than red. 'A series OF frosty clouds'.

The beginning seemed out of place, but I understand what you were doing. Overall a nice story. Certainly a nice christmas story...with pee jokes.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great holiday fantasy. I like Charlie a lot.

Your craft is very good and this was a fun read.

One suggestion, I don't think you need that last scene in the kitchen. It feels like you already ended the story nicely in the scene before.

Christopher Morgan (Level 1)

I would like to say that it is very good and I might change my score after a bit of thought but to say that it is good upon the first reading is all I can do.
I like the story over all and the descriptions of the Charlie is very good.
The Xbox, the older brother and the name calling I liked as well...Pee-Pants made me laugh.
The coal and bring tied up with ribbon..nice touch.
But the ending, the book, Waking up Dry, A Practical Guide for Bedwetters. I don't get this ending because his brother only wet himself because he was scared, I assume, because of being tied up by santa and for not giving the toys back.
The ending for me has got to fit...tie it all together so to speak...it's got to make sense. For me that's where the story went from Very Good to Good.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I love it! What a great job in building the tension between the two brothers and throwing the final twist in at the end. I love Robbie's dialogue, "Leave or die, pee-pants". Had me rolling for a few minutes.

This is my first excellent for the month. I'd be surprised if this didn't make it into the top three.

This would be great up on the screen!

David Birch (Level 5)

more dialog would help a bunch...i'm not sure the motivation to orchestrate every breath, hand gesture,or facial expression...it slows the read down to a crawl...i mean it's okay for a novel or a short story, but a screenplay??...trust your actors to act...trust your readers to read..."his breath a series of frosty clouds"..."a branch, which isn't all that thick"..."weathered and teetering"...it's just too much...leave some white on the page...the shame of it is that you had a terrific story who's space was wasted on needles asides...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Better Be Good, I like that title, and the screenplay delivered. Clever, and cute Christmas story that I'm sure will do well.

An easy read, with clear and crisp visuals. Good job. There's nothing really negative I can say other than it's not something I would normally watch.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A cute little story. The CONT'Ds are not needed in the dialogue. If you use Final Draft you can turn this feature off.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I really liked this a lot. It's sweet, funny at times, a child's dream fantasy.

Charlie is a protagonist we can all relate to, and Robbie is the antagonist we all hate. The ending leaves a smile on our faces. "A smile a mile wide". I liked that phrase.

There's really nothing more I can add. Maybe the introduction to Charlie can be shortened? It shows his character but didn't push the story forward.

Loved it. EXCELLENT!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

This was very cute, although it seemed a bit mean of Santa to do that, but hey, since he isn't real (or is he?) it can be fun to tweak the image a bit. I thought you created some very nice characters, but their dialouge seemed a bit forced to me, a little unnatural. Your descriptions, though, were very good and I felt like I was transported into the story. I also thought that it should have ended with them finding robby tied, but then after reading the rest, I have changed my mind, and feel that it ended perfectly.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

The story is very good!
It's imaginative, kid-friendly and fun!

A bit of clarity could be added to just a few spots though.

I love the first scene. It says a lot of who Charlie is.
You do want to say "Charlie's eyeS" though and not just "eye". It sounded like a
cyclops child there for a moment.

Not sure I like the sign reading "Secret Hideout". How secret is something if it's labeled as such. I think without that, the audience can deduce that or something close to it. You could also hint to it being a hideout by what we see inside. Maybe there are loads of cookies and milk cartons. Maybe there are lots of notes from children or a naughty list.

You may want to sway away from saying X-Box, just for production purposes and keep it to generic video games.

I like the book gift, but keep in mind that Robbie was not sleeping during his accident. So he's not a bed wetter. You may want to label it something like "For school age children who still have the occasional accident - Gaining Urinary Control" or something similar.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I like how Robby decided it was "His secret" even though Charlie was the one that introduced him to it. It shows great character development on your part.
If it was intentional of course ;)

At the ending, were you trying to tell us that Robby pee's in the bed too, or was Charlie being a smart ass? Either way, EXCELLENT STORY!

From the fist page, you visually brought me into the story. I wanted to know what happened next after every sentence! I loved how you wrote "the world turns Topsy-Turvy" I wouldn't have known how to explain that.

The fact that you had Santa Clause going hard, was SO FUNNY! He really stuck the coal in that boy's mouth! I couldn't believe it! :D

I loved this story. This will definitely be one of my favorites.

Oh my gosh... as I was exiting the script, I saw a flash of the title "Better be good"

I just have one word for that... Classic.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

That was awesome! Haven't read many yet, but know that'll be in my top three. Very well written. Nice Christmas story, giving Santa a subtle but twisted display of punishment.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was cute and well done. A bit moralistic but that fits well with the genre and the tone. Well-structured and paced, and the ending comes together nicely.

I was a little bothered by the dad's reaction -- it seems like he should be a little more upset, but he's a bit proud of Charlie for choking and humiliating his brother, which seemed didn't seem right.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

What a cute holiday story. Well written and smoothly flowing from one scene to the next. Two typical siblings in a typical Christmas setting makes this script easy to set and cast. I enjoyed the use of Santa’s bag and the whole plot to sell its contents on E-Bay by Robbie. The ending was of course predictable, but you executed it well and brought laughter at the end with the book Charlie gave to Robbie.

I give this a Very Good. Good story, excellent writing and good closure. Your dialogue was also very good. An excellent holiday short, this script can be made on a very minimal budget and is something that is enjoyable by the whole family. Cheers.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I gave this a very good but it didn't really wow me. It sort of felt plain and a little too cutesy even for kids. Even the talk about scaredy cats sort of didn't seem right. It is a well written though. I just didn't love it though. I feel as if kids don't talk like that. I'm probably wrong about that though.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I can't get tired of these Santa stories especially when they involve little kids.
It's well written and a good concept. Big brother little brother is very popular but hard to pull off and I think that you managed to pull it off very well. Technically it's a complete story, there's a roundness to the story, structure wise it's great. I'm glad the thirteen year old learns the lesson and the hard way.

I thought that Robby tied up and gagged is a bit of Deux Ex Machina...but i'm sure it's just me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Unique idea for a Christmas story. Particularly like the visual aspect of the details and the variety of locations.
Charlie's tree-climbing episode interjects color and character into this eight-year-old. Robby is the stereotypical older brother playing X-Box and making snide comments at a younger brother. Add some info about DAD.
Might streamline a bit to combine the discovery of the packages and the "RED VELVET SACK." Charlie finds the packages, stumbles on the sack, and carries/drags all of it to his hideout. Then Charlie appears in the bedroom, "out of breath," for his encounter with Robby. "Gasping for air...holds up his palm, begging for time" seems repetitive.
In keeping with the terrific visual quality here, Charlie and Robby could open the sack for the audience to see, not climb inside and rumble around; they may not be able to see all the "zillion toys" when it's "oddly dark" inside anyway.
Enjoyable and original.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Loved it. The humor was dark but appropriate all the way through. A very good job of storytelling, letting us know one thing at a time.

The only question I have is: Why'd Santa thank Charlie for finding all the gifts if Charlie never had a chance to tell Santa about it? In other words, if Santa is so all-knowing as to figure out that Charlie found the toys, why couldn't Santa figure out where the toys were all by himself?

Other than that logical puzzler (and how'd Santa lose the toys IN THE SHACK to begin with?), I enjoyed the story completely. Excellent.

Lew Osteen (Level 1)

A nice poignant Christmas story maybe in the Twilight Zone flavor. I might have more interaction between the brothers but then again it is only a five page script.More dialogue with Santa would be nice but once again it is a short script. So considering the length constraints it was well done and I give it three stars!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love this. I was engaged the entire time and I'd love to see this filmed.

Formatting, spelling and punctuation are all good. Love the title. The writing is visual and the flow is smooth.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This started out strong, I loved the idea of them finding Santa's bottomless sack of toys. And the EBay remark was very funny. But unfortunately it ended with a whimper. I was thinking, Wow...this is gonna make a great Christmas story, but ending with bedwetting sorta took the magic out of it.

I'd rethink the ending if I'm not the only one who says that. The idea of finding the sack has tons of potential!!!!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like Robby's comeuppance and the reversal of the brother's roles at the end. Reminiscent of a cautionary tale.

This is a really strange use of Santa Claus. I didn't know he was into binding and torturing children, scarring them forever. I like it, but the way Charlie and their father take it seems inappropriate.

I'm not sure what the relevance of the first scene, where Charlie is climbing the tree, is. It establishes his character, but it could be done a lot quicker (we get the important information from the way Robby treats him).

I don't think a 13-year-old would still believe in Santa, although I do know one exceptionally stupid teenager who does. I guess it depends on the parents.

I'm not really a sentimentalist about Christmas, and I doubt many here are, but you've done a good job trying to win me over.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

This is a great story, good visuals, good theme. I liked the spirit of the story. There were a few places where you want to keep in the present tense i.e. "..appraises the bare branches". I think you nailed the brotherly relationship. I'd love to see this one come to life. It seems like there is a much bigger story there.

Matthew West (Level 2)

The story in itself was pretty good, I like the christmas theme and the characters were well crafted. However, just a couple of things I picked up on that made me cringe a little.

Firstly, "eBay here I come" jarred me a little. This kid is 13, with a bag full of all the toys in the world - he wouldn't want to sell it, he'd want to hide it and keep it for himself (given his selfish nature).

Secondly, the whole bedwetting thing seemed a little...silly (for want of a better word). I think a different issue would have been better. Also, the book bit at the end would have worked a lot better if the older boy had a completely different reaction, maybe a playful punch? Just an idea.

Lastly, I'm not really seeing the point in the bit with the tree. I don't understand it's function in the story, though it is late and my brain is tired ;]

A good story that needs a few tweaks.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Why have you capped the word tree? Is it going to speak?

typo: seem/seems

I really, really enjoyed this - right up until the end where I was a little perturbed - does Robby wet the bed too? Is his bedwetting new since being scared by Santa??

Other than that I thoguht this was great fun. The dialogue is natural - loved Robby's first line and the characters totally sprang to life.

Lovely.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

I absolutely loved this story. It is nearly flawless. It has an amazing number of turns and reversals in only five pages. Also, the characters develop and arc very nicely. The tree climbing shows (not tells) of Charlie's courage, which he again shows both against his brother and in his unwaivering determination to return the toys. Really, the script works so well on so many levels. GREAT JOB!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Cute and Christmassy! This is such a fitting story for the season. And really filmable too. Love the whole thing, and I could envision every bit of it. This is scoring high, I'm sure of it. The title fits, the characters fit.

If I had to pick, it's at the bedwetting. It's alittle played out. The whole teasing for bedwetting and Robby wetting too. I don't know, feels a bit childish. The rest is really good though, for a short children story it's really strong.
Could be a bedtime tale really.

Love it and hope it gets made.

Best Moment: Charlie climbing into the bag. I love that detail about the bag collapsing.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Very cute, fun, harmless story. It's great to read a script like this every now and again: no murder, no death, no illness, no maiming, no heartbreak, etc.

Charlie's a sympathetic protagonist; we root and care for him throughout. Robbie's gets what he deserved.

This makes us hope for that magic in the world that I sadly don't think exists.

Your screenwriting is good; format overall is in order; only a few minor typos detected.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The idea in this is strong and the technique looks good. In particular I like the very visual way you tell much of it.

For me I'm not sure if the end result lives up to to potential of the underlying premise. Specifically I don't know if all the bed-wetting stuff adds much.

"Stupid tree, anyway." - For me this dialogue line would have a cleaner punch if it was just "Stupid tree.".

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This is a nice little story. I liked the dialogue you gave to the kids, it was pretty solid. Charlie is a terrific character that I think an audience will enjoy. I'd possibly shorten the first page a little, I think you had a lot of detail that slowed down the pacing. The story got better as it moved on to the plot.

Robert Decker (Level 2)

Very good character development in a limited size script. Also, good descriptions. I was definitely able to clearly imagine scenes. In addition, subject material retained my interest. Started slow in the beginning, but definitely did not dissapoint once read to end. In terms of any suggestions, I really have nothing to add for I felt it was written very well.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Cute story. I liked your characters especially Charlie. I like the magical fantasy of Charlie finding the sack and showing it to Robby. I also like that Robby got his comeuppance.

I think the book at the end, is a little overkill. I might think of another gift that he could give to Robby. Or tweak the ending a little bit.

All in all I really enjoyed this little story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great story. Very clever and fun.

I think you could maybe tighten it up a little, though. For example, you don't need for him to go in the Secret Hideout, then come back out, then go back in again. One trip into the cabin with the bag, then head for home. Keep the story dashing, dancing, and prancing along. (And donnering and blitzening too, I guess).

But that's just a minor suggestion. Overall, I enjoyed it a lot. Very clever and original.

My score: EXCELLENT.

Suzanne Smith (Level 4)

Hi there, Wow! I loved the opening scene. I felt like I was right there with Charlie on the tree limb. I liked how this story was told through Charlie's pov - there was no sway from that. The premise is very playful - fun! The brothers bonding at the end was a nice way to sum this story up. Kids everywhere would love this short - who doesn't imagine finding Santa's toy sac? Very imaginative and festive!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Excellent. I gave this a bonus point for originality & style. Loved the characters (especially Robby), great dialog. Might be a winner!

I would suggest some editing: Lose the parens (direction) in the dialog which aren't necessary, and cut some of the scene transitions where nothing really happens. I thought the exposition was too detailed (ie, Robby takes a step towards Charlie, towers over him, shoves him to the ground, steps on his chest) this can be condensed for more impact and "economy of lanugage."

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is excellent! I love the idea of Santa's infinite sack. Even better was Santa's unseen beat down of Robby. Hilarious! You did a great job of creating Charlie. He really was the kid with the heart of gold. This has winner written all over it. I usually hate Christmas stories, but this is rock solid! Best of luck!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Cute story -- pretty vindictive Santa :)

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:01 AM

Congrats Tim! 1 of my 2 Excellents for the month. Very nice job!!!

Dan Lennox (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:02 AM

Congrats Tim. This was my favorite story from last month. A well deserved first place!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2010 12:03 AM

Tim, Congratulations on your first place finish and your first script in the top three!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:15 AM

Wonderful, Tim! You got my only Excellent this month, and you completely deserved it. Awesome to see you in the top slot.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2010 12:18 AM

Great job Tim, this was an excellent story! Congrats!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:24 AM

Congrats! But for some reason I only gave it a 'Good'.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 12:31 AM

Holy smokes! Thanks, everyone. I truly appreciate the kind words.

A shame Chris Keaton has no taste, eh? Haha. I kid.

I felt positive that Mea Culpa was gonna take first. What an awesome script that is.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:33 AM

WooHoo! Nice job Westland! I think it was the fact that you pulled something real from your childhood that made us connect to your story. Hope you've gotten the bedwetting under control now.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 12:37 AM

Almost got the problem licked, Marnie. And thank you so much for making it public! Ha!

I'll still keep your secret a secret, though... unless my logline moves on. Then EVERYONE will know.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 12:41 AM

Many many congrats Tim!!! I appreciate your kind comments. I really enjoyed your script too. I love how that Robbie got 'his'.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2010 12:48 AM

You made it! Well done you.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:52 AM

Congratulations! First time in the top three and you did it SO right!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 1:00 AM

I loved every word of this.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 1:05 AM

Sally... if I had the cash and talent, I'd film your script myself. Powerful!
CC... Muchas gracias, chica!
Mags... Danke. Muchas Danke!
JPC... thank you, sir. I hope you especially liked those darned (CONT'D)'s. I keep forgetting to change Final Draft to take them out! grin.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 1:09 PM

Congratulations Tim I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 3:31 PM

Thanks, MJ. I appreciate that.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 8:17 PM

Congrats - glad this one took first place. Once again, I can call the winners!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 9:20 PM

Thanks, Sylvia. You can predict me as the winner every time, if you'd like (grin).

I believe I did the same, voting-wise. I thought I only had a shot at maybe an HM, because there were several I voted as Excellent and I think all of them placed and they were all so good!

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2010 11:16 PM

Congrats, Tim. I should have ranked this as excellent instead of a very good. If I would have gotten through all the scripts, I would have definitely moved its rank to where it should have been. The description in the beginning is flawless. I remember reading it going, "Man, I wish I could write like that..."

Well, well, done!

Congrats, again.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 11:56 PM

Wow, Amanda. That's pretty high praise and I sincerely thank you.

I pretty much believe that the instant gut reaction (vote) is usually the right one ans should stay where it is. I am very happy to have garnered a Very Good from you. Thank you again.

BTW - I think you should reconsider and use Matias or Caroline or Sally as someone to wish around. Their stuff is consistently, unbelievably great. I think I lucked out on this one... big time.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 2/3/2010 4:31 PM

I'm going to wholeheartedly agree with Amanda. I sat back at the end, wishing furiously that I had talent like that. The writing in this script is easily some of the best I've ever read here, and you can be sure I'm going to use it as a model for future work.

Thanks, Tim!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/4/2010 9:34 PM

I honestly don't know what to say, Kyle. That's gotta be the nicest compliments I can imagine receiving.

Saying Thank You somehow feels anemic.... but Thank you... very much.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 2/11/2010 12:34 PM

Tim - Congratulations on the win! I just got through the voting for the Logline competition and went back to look at these results. The three winners were my 3 excellent reviews. Your's was the most coloful and enjoyable. As I said in my reivew, I think there is a bigger story here than just the 5-page version. I'm woprking on a children's Christmas book myself, so this one had special meaning for me. I'm glad it won and loved reading it.

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 2/28/2010 7:38 PM

I wasn't here to vote during the contest, but I figured I would read some scripts that have done well. This was creative and well written. The final comments seamed a little mature for an eight year old. Maybe something a little more 'little brotherish'. Something like: 'thought you could use this pee-pants!' Just my personal. Thought. Very good work. I like your style.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/28/2010 7:57 PM

Thanks, Brian. I appreciate the constructive comments and the nice words.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 6/16/2011 8:44 AM

I hadn't read this one before and I was really entertained and am thinking about maybe doing this for the MP's Short Film Comp in November. I really liked it for about 4 pages but the last page seemed un-needed to me and just said what had already been said on page 4. But overall I thought this was good and a nice family film to do.

Nice work!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 7/12/2011 3:35 AM

Hi Tim,
here are my notes, for what it's worth.

Wonderfully written, it reads like a breeze.

That is some special effects you'll going to be needing for that child! Hanging upside down on a tree branch that breaks off. You'll need to make that completely safe before you'll find a mother willing to have her boy play that part maybe :-)

Page three, "Charlie holds up his palm, begging for time." I had a hard time visualizing that. Do you mean holds up his palm like a beggar would, begging for money? Or does he hold his hand in front of his brother's eyes? More realistic could possibly be Charles pulling Robby's shirt and begging verbally. Holding up a palm suggests a static image, a statue, standing still.

Very clever idea, have an infinitely deep Santa Clause sack!

Very clear conflict on page 3; an infinitely deep sack with presents; do you give it back to Santa or do you start selling the toys on eBay to become rich?

Page 4, ", towers over him, shoves him to the ground, steps on his chest." very visually told! Good staging direction; Robby towers over Charlie, showing his power over Charlie visually.

I noticed on page one too, "The scenery whips by him.", also very visual. You can just see how that would look in a movie. Good stuff. Maybe you should try your hand at directing it yourself. It is clear you have an idea how you want it staged, pacing (editing).

A typo on page five: "He lockS eyes with Robby."

Charlie doesn't like it that people think he is a scaredy cat. The pay-off in the end is that dad thinks Charlie got the upper hand over Robbie, so Charlie got what he wanted (as his father now thinks Robby is a scaredy cat), just in a different way. An ironic ending; Charlie didn't get the respect he sought of his brother, but he's happy anyway because he got respect from both his dad and Santa.

Charlie gets rewarded for being a good boy and Robby gets punished for being a bad boy.

Very rewarding read, uplifting ending, all loose ends tied up. A very happy Christmas story.

Very nice! Hope you manage to make it into a full-length screenplay and children's book, like you indicate in your biography.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 7/12/2011 3:51 AM

One last note; I think I now understand what you are trying to show when Charlie tries to get Robby's attention when Robby is playing a game; Charlie is afraid to disturb Robby of course. It is about Charlie's courage, his fear for Robby. Perhaps have Charlie hesitate to even tap Robby's shoulder. Whispering "Robby?" Robby turns and snaps at him "Yeah what!" Game over on screen and Robby angrily lunges at Charlie. More dramatic, more conflict, shows character, gives important information about the relationship between the brothers.

Or so, maybe...

I'll shut up now :-) At any length, fantastic read!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 7/13/2011 11:48 PM

Thanks, Ayal. I appreciate the kind words and the corrections/suggestions.

I hope I can get this done, too. Who knows?!?!? :-)

Bill Sweeney (Level 0) ~ 9/20/2011 1:55 AM

I enjoyed it very much. I think everyone can relate to the dreamy premise. Unfortunately, the ending is not as clever as the rest of it. But overall, I give it high marks.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 9/20/2011 10:40 PM

Thanks for reading, Bill.

I've changed the ending a bit, as well as a few other small bits and posted it. If you read it again and have comments, I'd love to hear them.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 9/22/2011 1:01 AM

I had to read it since you posted it is in production. I was afraid it would disappear before I got a chance. Wow, this is going to be a fun short and I hope we get to see it. Most Excellent!!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 9/22/2011 1:07 AM

Aw, thanks, Dawn!!!

This will be my first script to make it into production. I'm really glad that Rich is doing it. He's super supportive and enthusiastic.

Once it's done, it will absolutely be posted.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and for commenting. :-)

Tim

Debra Johnson (Level 3) ~ 9/22/2011 3:20 PM

Congratulations! That is an awesome story!