Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I like the idea. Seems original enough. Daughter of a prostitute sounds interesting, but we really have no idea how old this girl might be.

I wonder what kind of mischief these halfway house people could come up with, but it seems like with many criminals together that this would happen more often than it does.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This logline doesn't explain what the hero is actually doing on this story. Parolee, guilt-ridden, life on line, redemption in a daughter of a prostitute, but what's his reaction, what is he going to do to this girl. is he going to save her life or something. What I want to say is that the logline doesn't tell what is going to happen in this script.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

The sense I get from this logline is that it describes only one very brief moment. When "violence erupts", it doesn't seem sustainable. "Eruption" refers to a very short event. Therefore, why is his life on the line? And can this eruption sustain an entire movie?

I think there should be some hint as to what your parolee is guilty of. Also, what is the prostitute's good-hearted daughter doing at a halfway house?

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Sounds like a rough movie. Great title. The relationship between the parolee and daughter of the prostitute is something you are going to have to work on greatly, it will either make or break the story.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Title - It doesn't seem to fit. I'm getting the sense that this will be somewhat gritty and dark. A harsh look into the transition from correctional system to real life. I want the title to reflect that. On a scale of 1-10, I would give your title a 6.
Logline - This is very good. Excellent actually. I'm hooked from it. It has a definite sense of style - see my comments on your title, I could only come to that with your logline. There is a definite character arc and story that I can see, but your also not giving anything away. Good job!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Smart title!

Smart logline too!

Yep, I'd like to see this. You've done a great job.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Well you know where I stand, but truly I love this version tight and interesting.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think the title is okay. I wish it was a bit more evocative, I'm not sure what it means.

I have so many questions after reading your logline (some good - some bad). Why does violence erupt? Why is his life on the line? How old is the daughter of the prostitute - is she a child or a love interest?

This seems like a dark drama (and I love those), but I'm not really sure why we care about this man or his plight (especially since I don't have a good idea what his plight is).

This might be brilliant, but in the end, I have a few too many questions to know for sure.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "Crimes Like These"

It' got a lot of busy work going on for a set-up but somehow it also all sounds familiar. A parolee, in danger of his life finds redemption in the daughter of a prostitute. But what happens, exactly? Does she gun the people who are after him? I doubt it I'm just throwing something out there because you didn't tell me what the story is.

Or is it social redemption he finds? Great, but how does that stop the real-life guns or knives in the hands of the halfway house's dangerous residents? I guess I could make up my own story here forever, but that's your job.

Other than the word "crimes" I'm not sure how the title applies to the story.

Your logline doesn't fill our current or anticipated needs. Please do not send the screenplay.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Lots going on here. A guilt-ridden parolee, dangerous residents, and a daughter of a prostitute. I like this logline, but I think there's just too much going on, and I get the sense that the story is not as developed as it could be. The conflict doesn't seem clear to me. How is our hero's life on the line? What is the relationship between the hero, the dangerous residents, and the prostitute's daughter? We have good stakes.. Life on the line, but what's the hero's goal here?

I think the title is catchy, but not really sure how it relates to the story as conveyed in the logline.

This is another one I'd like to read more to see where the story goes.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I like this one quite a bit. Could use a bit more information on the nature and source of the conflict between the guilt-ridden parolee and the residents at the halfway house but, in a very few words, you've managed to convey a sense of who your main characters are and the world in which they live.

I'm also very intrigued by where the relationship between the two main characters is headed. If I were a producer looking for this style of material, I'd want to know more. But, in the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that this is my preferred genre. I give your title a "Very Good" and your logline and "Excellent" for an overall grade of "Excellent." Nicely done.

David Birch (Level 5)

my biggest issue with your logline is that we need to know what redemption?...from what...for whom?...he's in a halfway house, he's guilt ridden (about what?)and he wants redemption...from what?...for the vilonece, his crimes...a little clarity helps your cause a bunch...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I like the title very much. I love the short succinct logline. It ties in well well with the title. That is important to me. I also think this story line is interesting and edgy. I would love to see this film. I like your decription of the people, guilt ridden, dangerous and good hearted. This is what loglines are about!
Excellent.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Interesting take with the title. Not too sure about the logline; you don't give us much of a reason to like any of these characters.

I would think that a halfway house wouldn't be filled with any more dangerous residents than the prison from where the parolee was just released from - if anything, I would think they'd be less dangerous because to be at a halfway house entails having to find work and abide by the rules or else be sent back to prison.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

What is the general thrust of the story? Is this about the clash between the parole and residents? Or is it a romance between the parolee and daughter of a prostitute? This logline makes me think the writer is not sure about the story. Good title!

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Intriguing logline. I like this concept very much and would like to read the script. Craft-wise, I think the first sentence would be strengthened with a slight tweak, something like: "Violence erupts when a guilt-ridden parolee crosses paths with the dangerous residents at his halfway house." The second sentence is fine. The title is adequate but I'm sure you can think of one more fitting to this tale.

Garrett Box (Level 4)

I sound like it could be interesting, but the thing that drives the story, the erupting violence, is very unclear. I think I would be more interested if I knew exactly what was driving the violence, because for me, that's the make or break aspect of the story.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The title is not clicking with me, it didn't evoke anything for me.
I like the first sentence a lot. This sounds like an exciting story and in a setting I haven't seen before in a movie. With combustible characters like these, I am interested in seeing the movie. The second sentence then didn't keep up with the first. "Good-hearted" and "prostitute" do not seem as fresh of an idea as the first sentence. It is the daughter of the prostitute, but still the same kind of thing I've seen or heard before. The way that second sentence is written also doesn't sound right, would he find redemption in her or in a relationship with her? I would have given this very good because I want to hear more about the erupting violence in a halfway house, but I don't think I am into the story of the prostitute (daughter) with heart of gold, so I am coming down to a Good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Why is this man guilt-ridden? I need to know more about him and be interested enough in him to want to read the whole story. It's lacking that. Give me more of a hook.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Looks like a good drama. I like the title.

"Guilt ridden" doesn't need to be put in there. I wish you told us what the unlikely chance was but whatever.

Don't really have much else to say about it. Seems pretty good. I'll give this one a VG.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Firstly, I love the title, I can't even put my finger on why, but I'm immediately drawn to it. Perhaps it's because the title indicates that you'll be taking a different perspective on the crime genre, it's as if just within the title you're recognising that audiences have seen so many stereotypes of "heros" and "villains" and "justice" and you're prepared to challenge that standardised notion. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but either way, I like it.

The story's very interesting, nice to see such an unconventional protagonist. My only warning would be that the "golden hearted whore" has become a bit of a cliché, so watch out there.

Definately one I want to read more of. Well Done.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Sounds like we can expect interesting characters in a rich setting. I'd like to know why the protag is guilt-ridden, and what he is after. Also, what motivates the daughter? Good start but I could use a little more information.

Title is interesting but a little confusing... to me it recalls the phrase "with friends like these, who needs enemies", but that doesn't seem to fit the story. Was the wordplay inadvertent?

John LaBonney (Level 4)

This logline is pretty good; I think that you could cut out "the path of" so it reads "Violence erupts when a guilt-ridden..." and that would tighten it up a bit.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

A very good story to tell. The setting is unique and the situation seems likely and real. The main character is presented well, the antagonists are there, but the girl being a daughter of a prostitute really doesn't achieve much of an explanation. Why is it important to know that? That information could have been presented in the actual script as part of her development. I like the sound of the drama within the story and the possibilities of exploring various character traits are endless. A Very Good Logline.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This is a combo of a tagline and part of a logline. The stakes are just piled on to impress. I just can't get excited about a normal parolee in a halfway house. I can watch the "real" thing on a reality show.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's clear and well rounded. The only part I prefer to be changed is the word "dangerous". I think it's not explicit enough - why dangerous? Are they angry at him for some reason?
Is the prostitute one of these people? I kind of sense she is. If yes, maybe you could state as such. Other than that it is an interesting premise and I'm curious.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this is a good premise. just be careful as right now it reads like a standard garden variety dramatic thriller...maybe show us your unique style with the logline.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a character-driven drama.
Curious about the cause of the parolee-protagonist's guilt. Likely some contrasting characters and one-on-one relationships between him and a couple of "the residents." A good opportunity for a character arc.
All sorts of storyline possibilities with the "good-hearted daughter"; maybe she's the catalyst for the parolee's biggest change. Expect locations to be gritty and compelling.
Interesting title for this well-written logline. May refer collectively to those committed by the parolee, the halfway-house residents, and the prostitute. Excellent.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title is really cool, quick, concise, slick. I wish I'd thought of it (and that's pretty much my criteria for a cool title).

Beginning your logline with a really pat phrase like "violence erupts when" is a poor idea. Start us off with a bang, an interesting character, a strange situation. All movies, at some level, have a measure of violence within them. So you immediately need to set yourself apart from the pack, as it were, and tell us why yours is different right away.

"in the good-hearted daughter" There's a really hilarious innuendo here. Did you really mean "in" as in "inside" as in... Well!

I'm not really sure why this particular girl will give him "an unlikely chance at redemption", or why helping her will somehow solve all of his "life on the line" problems. The situations don't add up right now for me. Either his life is on the line or it isn't, and one prostitute's daughter isn't going to change that, at least not as written.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love this. I really do. It's succinct, informative, and intriguing.

Excellent.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

The characters sound interesting but the action itself is vague. Give us some kind of clue on what erupted the violence maybe. Did they think he did something?? Did he do something? "After being falsley accused of..." You know what I mean. Give us a starting point. I'm sure your story doesn't start with erupting violence...

I'm curious about this one though...because of the characters. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a really good idea. It just sounds inherently dramatic and unique. A halfway house is a very interesting setting - the characters aren't free but it definitely doesn't carry the weight of prison.

It's really good how you've showed the inner and exterior conflicts that the parolee will have that will form the basis of the story. A strong sense of character and plot while maintaining word economy.

There's a cliché called "the prostitute with a heart of gold". I don't think that's what you've got here, but it certainly reminded me of it.

Very good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - I think it's good.

Logline - Very well done. I get a sense of the protagonist and an idea of what he wants. The situation creates good tension. There are a lot of options with the characters you've chosen.

Story - I think it's intriguing. I hope it lives up to the logline.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I don't have a lot of critisism for this one, but I can't say it really hooks me either.

Perhaps if you include the protagonist's name and give me a better idea of the antagonist and the stakes I'd be more compelled to read it.

Best regards.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

The title raises the question "crimes like what?" which is an intriguing lead-in to a movie. I think the logline itself raises a lot of questions as well (a good thing) but I think it's a bit too wordy. I was stumbling over the succession of adjectives, and wonder if the whole thing could be more concise somehow. Do we need to know the daughter is good-hearted (maybe) or that his life is on the line (maybe written a different way)? All in all, a good logline that could be tightened up a bit.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This is a very good logline, that sums up the film but still makes me interested to see more. I can see the characters, setting, etc. It sounds like a good, gritty indie film. The title is good but doesn't seem to fit what I see- the title seems a bit more whimsical, like it's for more of a comedy, or a Woody Allen film. Still, the strength of the logline makes me interested to see more.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

TITLE: ok. tells us the genre but otherwise very standard. Sounds like a documentary title on a favourite freeview channel.

STORY: Again ok. Not sure why violence erupts. Why is he guilty, why are they dangerous, why is his life on the line? I'm a big fan of crime thrillers and redemption tales but this doesn't grab me at all. It's full of empty phrases that don't actually tell me anything.

CRAFT: lots of adjectives. There's violence, a guilty protagonist whose life is in danger, some dangerous residents and a good hearted prostitute. But what's the story?

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Nice title, nice premise. Don't really see the full picture yet and the title looks more action-y then the premise leads on. 'His life on the line' sounds a bit drastic in a halfway house, hope you can make this all realistic. Other than that, I'm interested but not really pulled in. We know little of what he's actually doing during the story, you keep his actions really vague. The goal is clear though.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Your title hints at comedy, but the logline feels like a dark, crime drama.

What crime is our protagonist on parole for?

What is the central conflict here? I understand it's his goal to survive his living conditions at the halfway house, but what exactly is at stake? Does he discover some conspiracy at hand? Do we have a main antagonist?

How old is this daughter of the prostitute?

Title: See above.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You've put your protagonist (likable because of his "guilt") in a compelling and dangerous situation. It has the potential to be an action-packed drama, and your economy of language shows that you can pull it off.

If there's anything to be improved upon, it's that the main character doesn't have any action verbs - he "finds a chance" which isn't really him doing anything, and the subject of the first line is his "path" rather than himself.

Still, it's a compelling log line, and I'd definitely read the first ten pages.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title works well for the concept and sounds interesting.

Your story has good potential for relationships, characters and drama. At the moment I feel like I have only a partial idea of what the story will actually involve. I think this is because your logline has a couple of aspects that are a bit nebulous. For example "path... intersects" and "unlikely chance at redemption".

The logline technique looks fine to me.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

I like the title and it makes me think of a comedy. Is that what you're going for?
The logline is good, it tells me everything I need to know in general about the movie. But it depends on the daughter - is she a child? If so, if she's not well-written, it could ruin the movie. And why is it so surprising she's good hearted? Are the offspring of prostitutes cold hearted bitches?

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Why the daughter of the prostitue? Just seems odd to me but not way off. Could be a great action type movie with some meaning behind it. The logline seems good to me and the title is fitting.

Good luck.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Great title. One element that wasn't clear to me was what the violence was over exactly. The guilt ridden parolee and dangerous residents clash over what? I think the last part of the log line took a surprise turn. I thought the good-hearted woman would have been the prostitute but you have it as her daughter and that's a unique twist. There's some compelling ideas here but nothing grabs me and makes me anxious to see pages. I think a clearer presentation of the main conflict would have helped.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I like the title and original idea behind this logline. You've also constructed it very cleanly and concisely. Nicely done.

The only things I would like to have seen just a smidgen more of, are a little more detail about the conflict and something more in-depth about the resolution. This was left just a little too up in the air. Still, I think it was very good.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

Great title, a very wry twist of words. The logline is interesting, a lot going on in it. I really love the set up in the first line, the conflict is evident and charged. The good-hearted daughter of a prostitute comes out of left field for me. Is she a resident? Is the mother a victim of a crime by the parolee or his biological daughter? or is she a love interest? A little more detail around her is needed.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

the genre is clearly established as action/thriller, though the good-hearted brings in some drama elements, I'm willing to go with action/thriller.

Having said, that there is an element I can't quite put my finger on which seems to be lacking.

Perhaps a clue as to why the violence erupts? Or why did he choose to return to the half-way house, if he knew (maybe) the residents are dangerous?

This seems like back-story and possible outcome without disclosure of some of the actual plot.

Is the daughter young or old? His age? Is she a prostitute too?

Love the title, but I'm in two minds about wanting to read the first ten pages.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the title and the logline. I hope this one moves forward. I'm intrigued, I sense drama, suspense and maybe a little romance.. all the earmarks of a great movie.

Nice job.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - It's a good title. For some reason, I'm not sure why, it strikes me as a title for more of a comedy but your logline doesn't certainly indicate it's a comedy.

Story - I'm not entirely sure what the story is...the violence, the intersection of lives, the chance at redemption, or all of them. For some reason, it reads to me that you aren't really sure what the story is. I think I know what you are trying to say but I'm not sure.

Craft - You have the elements there but it doesn't flow as well as it should, IMHO. "Violence erupts" is not active, it seems as though no one is causing it, it just happens. I think changing that will help the logline quite a bit because we'll know who is driving the story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This sounds like a potentially good story, but your logline needs more focus and more coherence.

It's hard to tell what this story is really about. Is it about the parolee's guilt? Is it about the conflict between him and the other residents? Is it about his relationship with the prostitute's daughter? It's hard to tell. Your logline desperately needs some focus.

One thing that might help is if you re-wrote it in more direct terms. For example, the subject of your first sentence is "a path" -- the path of the guilt-ridden parolee. It might be more engaging if you wrote it so the protagonist himself is the subject of your logline, and not his "path". Just a thought.

The title is kinda bland, too.

Potentially good story, but you've gotta work on the logline a bit.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Title: Suggests the genre - Crime. The '...Like These' part suggests to me that the criminal(s) is the protagonist, or an anti-hero if you like. The story will be told from his/their point of view.

Logline: Not sure intersects is the best choice of words. How are the residents dangerous? I would like to know what the protag's crime was. I like the 'good-hearted daughter of a prostitue' part. I don't get a clear picture of how this will play out though.

Summary: Clear title and logline but I would prefer to know a little more about the protag and the situation he finds himself in. Good angle with the prostitute's daughter though.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

I like this. It's short and simple, but you've painted a pretty clear picture of the story we'll be reading. I would have liked to see a bit more information on what that chance at redemption looks like. That really gets to the soul of the character and what his journey will look like. Wanting redemption is important, but what does he need to do to get it? What will he have to sacrifice? Just a bit of information on that would really elevate the logline, I think.
My only nit,if you can even call it that, is the title. When I first read it I thought Comedy. Then reading the logline I realized it was a serious piece. Maybe that's just me, and I don't know if it's really a big deal. Just something that struck me. Good luck!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Excellent. Brief, to the point, and puts out a lot of interesting possibilities & characters.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I'll come back to this one, I've been brooding on it for days and can;t seem to make a sound decision. Right now it's marked as good, and will stay that way until I swing back around.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Intriguing but vague. There's alot going on in these two sentences but it doesn't tell the reader exactly what the story is. Why is his life on the line? Why was he in jail? Why is voilence erupting? If I knew the story better I could try to write an example.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title:
Hmmm... sounds like you are trying too hard to have a catchy title. It's not bad, per se, but I think you need to try harder to have a title that sounds like it has something to do with the logline/story (other than the crime aspect, that is).

Logline:
I think you have a good idea here. However, the second sentence doesn't really build on the first and tell us WHY his life is on the line or how a good hearted daughter of a prostitute can help. If you can combine those two sentences into once concise one, and then give us what's missing, I thing you'll have something.

The idea behind this is strong enough, I think, to outweigh some of the issues I have with the logline itself.

I rate this as: Good.

Best of luck.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

I really like this from the title that is kind of catchy that will draw attention to the shortness of the logline. The logline is good and it tells about the screenplay in short fashion. This is what logline should do.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Sounds like an action/thriller that turns into a drama, or at least the second half doesn't sound as exciting as the first half. The second half is fine on its own, it just seems to drop from the intensity of the first section. This could very well what you have in mind, but if it isn't, then please have the tone of both sections support each other. Sounds like a solid story with both internal and external conflicts. There is something about the title that I like as well.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Not crazy about the title -- something showing the guilt-ridden or redemption would fit better. "Crimes Like These" doesn't sparkle or stand out.

The logline is tight, concise and well done. It paints a picture and conflict is introduced immediately.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I find it pretty hard to figure out what this movie is like. Some kind of prison-redemption-drama, perhaps? I think you pack too much into each sentence, with too much description, and the plot gets lost in the confusion. You really need to tell us what this story is.

Comments Made After the Contest