Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I liked the dialogue at the beginning because it left alittle out of the conversation to make you wonder what they were talking about. Unfortunately, the clues were never given throughout the rest of the script. I caught the reference to Stan Laurel at the end if this is some reference to Laurel and Hardy I completely missed it. Read it twice and still didn't get any sense of a fear or a phobia for that matter.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

I like the dialogue at the beginning. However... I read this twice, and I'm afraid I don't get it. What is Ollie's fear? Fear of the Bogeyman? And who is Harry? Is he meant to be an Ollie-clone? I found this to be very confusing. It's a good thing, in screenwriting, to be subtle; but you don't want to be so subtle that you confuse people.

Andrew Jones (Level 2)

After reading a fair few times, I'm still not entirely sure about what phobia he has.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Well-crafted, but I did want the ending to involve Ollie somehow. Dr. Fluffenutter was definitely a trip. Nicely done.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well, for the first few pages, I felt like we weren't supposed to know what was going on because it'd all be revealed later, but by the end I was still just as confused. I don't know what this story was about or what the phobia being dealt with was. It felt like it was leading up to something that it never got to.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this! Interesting.

"INT. HAL’S OFFICE - DAY
Beautiful Art Deco furniture fill the office" - you don't need to tell us twice that it's the office!

"Space is something I give freely." - Space is a contemporary term - I think - which wouldn't fit in with the Laurel and Hardy era.

I really couldn't understand the reference to reggaemyelitis - what was THAT all about?

Unfortunate to call Harry 'Harry,' so close to Hal which made me confused - best avoided.

Bit of tidying up and this would be stormin'

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Your final line sums it up for me: "Harry looks confused."

I'm not sure what this was about? What is the phobia? Fear of the boogeyman? of Raggae?

Sorry, if I have time I'll try to read it again to see if I can "get it". Quite a few typos too, need to do better proofing.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

On the first read, I was confused.

On the second read, I suddenly remembered "The March of the Wooden Soldiers" and everything fell into place. I love the way you imagine/invent a story from the Hollywood of old.

I fear though, that there will be a few too many people who just don't "get it".

I can't help but wonder, did these boogeymen scare you as a child?

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3)

Cute. I enjoyed reading.

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

Couldn't really find anything wrong with the script. It was amusing and got your idea across clearly without totally spelling it out. All in all, very nice.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

I'm more confused than Harry.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Very clever once I got it, interesting notion.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Good story but, no real phobia sensed.
Great read and well written. Your format is flawless.

Good effort.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Need to proofread. POOL instead of time-of-day and Doc Fluffenutter wasn’t caps for his first entry. I hate to think Ollie was replaced by an imposter, even one without reggaemylitis. Good description of Hollywood pomp, and I like all the old characters.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

The dialogue was good, but to be honest I didn't really understand it. Who are Hal and Stan? And what was Ollie supposed to do? Maybe dropping a few more hints might clear things up.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Much like Harry at the end...I'm confused. Is Ollie's phobia that of the boogeyman? I'm assuming that is the phobia since Hal asks Harry if he is afraid of the boogeyman. But other then that mention it really isn't clarified what the phobia is.

The script overall didn't make much of a connection at all. And leaving as I mentioned earlier,confused.

The formatting overall was well done. Though you did capitalized Stan after he was introduced and neglected to do so with the doctor.

Michael Brooks (Level 1)

I liked the clean, effective writing style. The dialog sounds real and I could picture the action well. I didn't immediately follow the story though. I didn't realize who the characters were until Harry says "Mr. Laurel" - leaving me pretty damn confused. After some quick research, the second read made a lot more sense, but I'm still not sure what Hardy is scared of? Perhaps I should brush up on my history of the era.
So, well written, but the story didn't work for me without knowledge of this particular incident.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Quite sophisticated humour. I liked it.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I liked the story here a lot, but I had to read it 3 times before I really understood what was going on. That said, the descriptions (especially of Hal and his office) really helped set the tone of the story. I get the impression this is supposed to be set back in the studio-era days of Hollywood. It feels like it could be a sequence from something like BARTON FINK or ED WOOD!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This wasn't bad, but I have to admit that I was confused. I didn't really get what the phobia was about. I'm not sure the first page is needed. I didn't feel that it really set up the story. IMHO you can start right on page 2 where you introduce Ollie and flesh out the characters some instead.

:-)

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

While I get the initial description, art deco decor would work. The pipe would be fine just as a pipe, not mahogony. Billowing smoke, who? Gotta be Hal. Stan and Ollie, holy cow So that's how it all got going, huh? The initial hurdles were easily overcome, because I know what you're doing. Very good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Interesting take. I was drawn in by the opener. I liked that you didn't state that it was Stan Laurel right away. Page 2 I'm sure you meant "deck" not "desk." I really liked the description of a giant in a crib. While I liked the name of the nutty doctor, I'd always prefer to read a unique quirk that would take away from a total stereotype. Maybe the Doctor has a twitch or lisp? I also might change the name of the replacement actor to something that doesn't start with "H." With Hal and Harry on the page together, it makes it slightly harder on the reader. I guess the only problem I had was that there wasn't a resolution to Ollie's problem. He didn't really overcome his phobia. Maybe Ollie storms into the meeting at the end and boldly proclaims -- "there is no such thing!" as he sneers at Harry or something. Decent script with an original take. Enjoyed it.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I know this is Laurel and Hardy but for some reason I couldn't understand the end of the story. Are there some references in here that only a Laurel and Hardy fan would understand? I have a feeling that if I was familiar with Laurel and Hardy, I would pick up some of the references. Forgive me if that's not the case.

I like the opening. It was loaded with good descriptions.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

So, Oliver Hardy is replaced by Harry?

This is a very good premise but to me it looks very good on paper whereas the execution to film can blow the punchline much earlier.

I am not quite sure that you wanted the audience to know who these famous characters are, from the start. Because the physical appearance of Stan and Ollie would definitely give big clues so your resolution is pretty much finding Ollie's replacement.

In that case why don't you show them shooting a scene and Ollie getting petrified while the others think he is doing a great acting job. Think about it.

Your dialogs are good and the descriptions are poetic but could use some trimming, like the bit about Ollie being too big for the couch, giant-comfort-crib...

I wanted more scenes like the one with Flufenutter and that is a good homage to the genre of the Laurel and Hardy shorts. Good job.

A skilled director can do a good job with this.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I know you spelled out the phobia in your script and I guess I didn't see it. Still, without looking up regg eh whatever, I don't know what it means.

I kept waiting for your story to turn or shift plot and it never did. For me this was just alright.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I'm sorry, but I just didn't get it. For me, the phobia was not clear which made this confusing for me. The writting was good as was the descriptions and dialog but, I just didn't make a connect with the story. (maybe I missed something)

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

This is very well-written, as far as description and dialog, but the overall story is confusing.

From what I gather, Laurel and Hardy are working a film with actors who have pointy ears and fangs, only Hardy is afraid of them so he is replaced on the film by a look-a-like. I'm not all that knowledgeable about Laurel and Hardy, so this script might make sense to those who are, but then it would be written for a pretty limited audience.

Again, it is well written, I just think more time needs to be spent adding some major details that will make the script understandable to the uninitiated.

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

This was really confusing. I got it eventually, but even then... what's happening? A guy is afraid of the bogeyman, so can't make the movie, so they just happen to find a perfect double? That's not really a story. It's a timeline of a perfect coincidence. I like the dialog though, well-written.

Valentina Reiken (Level 2)

The tone and writing is very good. I liked the charcters and especially the dialogue.
BUT
the story was a bit lost on me. Laurel and Hardy I know but what is relevance of the bogeyman?

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

An engaging piece. Makes me want to google "Laurel and Hardy" to find out if this is a true story. The only part that throws me off is the entrance of the wacky shrink. Was this part your tribute to the show, or a Groucho Marx bit? Otherwise going from serious to wacky, then back to serious makes for an awkward tone. Still I liked this one very much. Thanks

William Coleman (Level 5)

I find little narrative thrust in this. Each scene has its moments, but the movement forward is unclear. This deserves much more thought and work since it is a stunning idea. I'd like to see a flat-out Laurel and Hardy knock-a-bout centered on one clear phobia since I love these guys. Others may want something different.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/2/2007 3:05 PM

So, did the boogeymen scare you as a child? I loved that movie, but they scared the heck out of me.

This was so original. How did you get the idea for it?

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 9/3/2007 2:44 PM

This was extremely original and funny. I was gonna write a Three Stooges script myself, but it was more than 5 pages.

Love the Laurel and Hardy films. Great job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 9/3/2007 8:22 PM

Chris & Rustom, thanks for the comments. When I was a very small child, they did unnerve me a bit. That movie was a holiday classic in my house, every year while the smell of turkey and pumpkin pie filled your nose... the memories -- now my children watch it each Thanksgiving as well.

The idea just came to me late night, July 30th. If an idea comes to me sooner, maybe one day I'll be able to finish before 12:46-12:56AM and have time to proofread my work:)

I don't think I write scripts that are filled with clarity, but I was a bit surprised by how many people were confused.

This was my personal favorite out of all the 5-page scripts that I've written to date. I'm giving serious consideration to making it a feature. Thanks again, guys -- and to everyone else for giving it a read.