Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

This some elements that I liked. The play on 'seeing the light' was good-- I cringed a bit when I read his comment at first, but then liked the reversal. Something didn't feel complete about it though. I guess she was planning to off herself with the other patient's morphine-- then him 'coding' caused her to have to come out. But would it? if she had wanted to end it? Maybe. And not to be a stickler, but when he says he came back because she needed him, it's kinda not true-- she came back because he was dying, not because he came back-- a trifling point, I know.
I would have like to have seen some interaction with Judy and John to tie it up a little tighter.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This is art. Hat off for your remarkable ability to pull the reader in and then give him satisfaction by the end. This is really what screenwriting about. Satisfaction. A few things I need to say. Be breifer:
"presses the power
button on the hospital TV remote causing the screen to go
black."
"He turns off TV with the remote"

Another thing
Nurse # 2 , better keep 'em close Nurse#2, less distracting this way. You officially have a fan. I'll wait for this month to end to know if I'm not already one of your fans.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I don't get it. Is John alive to help Judy? How exactly is he helping her? And even though he does die for a few minutes, I'm not sure that counts as a dead body coming back to life. he's just some guy who didn't quite die.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your title doesn't quite fit. Yes, John did die but your story is about his return from death in order to save Judy.

In order for me to accept that Judy wishes to end her life, I need to know more about her situation. I can't empathize with a character I know very little about.

It would be more interesting if Judy interviewed John after he revives. Let Judy slowly react to what John is saying and build the dramatic reveal at the end.

It is a touching story with a lot of promise. Focus on the relationship between Judy and John and you have a winner.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

A couple of minor housekeeping things first. I believe when you say Nurse #1 - there shouldn't be a space the pound symbol and the number. Also, you should always have at least a sentence of action following a slugline. Many readers skim over slug lines, myself included. Something brief will work, but you need something.

The story itself is okay. John's explanatory dialogue on pages 3 and 4 is too much for me. I also don't buy-in that the doctor would really ask this question. I mean the guy died. Not just technically died, but the doctor called time of death; that's kind of a big deal. So for the doctor to casually ask him what happened before just doesn't resonate with me.

The story you are trying to tell is interesting. A man comes back from death to save someone from killing herself. Actually, now that I think of it, the man DYING is what stops Judy, not him coming back - so him saying that he just had to come back to help her doesn't make any sense.

It's a GOOD from me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Fade In goes all the way on the left, not right.

There were a handful of spacing errors.

The story was decent, but not what I'd consider great. Basically, we've got a patient that dies, then comes back about 20 minutes later because his nurse needed him. But I guess that's what I didn't really get... Why did his nurse need him? The fact that her patient was coding was what stopped her from taking the morphine, not anything that he did. He could have just died without coming back and she still would have been called in because her patient was coding. Since that was essentially all there was to the story and I didn't really get it, the script didn't really work for me.

Nice effort though. Write on.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

strands of hair falling from her loose ponytail - is this crucial to the plot?

Another epi? I'm not sure what this is - and even having researched it, I'm not sure. In my lingo 'an epi' is an epileptic fit but I don't think you mean that.

Wondering if John's speeches are a little too long?

Catherine Morgan, Room 184 - why the name? It serves to confuse more than explain. Sufficient that Judy is taking drugs.

Very good story though!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Awesome ending. I love the twist. In fact, it makes the whole story work.

It might be nice if you had show a bit more of a connection between John and Judy at the start. But that is a small suggestion for a great script. Well done.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I found a lot to like in this story but the ending confused me. I was left with several questions: Is John going to "code" every time Judy needs help? Or was it a different patient that went into cardiac arrest at the end of the script? Is Judy an angel of death? Or is John her paranormal guardian? Did Judy steal drugs from John? Did John really die or was he just in a deep a temporary coma? And what does all of that say about any potential relationship that might develop between John and Judy?

I also thought there was room to trim dialogue and some of the action lines. For instance Dr. Stevenson's lines after John says "I died," could be edited down to: "Technically. Do you remember anything?"

Some really good work here. Good job.

David Birch (Level 5)

i thought this would be a "sure thing" when i read this month's premise...nice job...a few suggestions would be to break-up you last paragraph...perhaps "slugging" LIQUID MORPHINE...thereby suggesting a tight shot on the vial...secondly, i'd drop the use of names when starting a line of dialog..."judy, your patient is coding"...unless there's a reason to include the name, don't...especially when you want to convey a sense of urgency...i'd go with "you patient's coding!"...far as i know, she's the only one in the bathroom...and if she isn't, then she's a fool for drawing a shot in such a public place...anyway, some things to think over...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I think less technical action, and more story about Judy and John could be shown. The story seemed incomplete, and lacked enough tension due to long dialogue speeches telling what was seen.

Mainly the story seems incomplete, and sort of ends at the beginning. Come to think of it, that could be okay, but a better build up that hints more at the angel of mercy/death angle. That's what I was thinking that Judy might be, but then wouldn't patients suffer if they didn't get their morphine? Just my thoughts, point is, more visual tension, drama.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I think the writer needs a couple more pages to fully develop this story. Here are some notes:

The first paragraph is five lines. Try to keep paragraphs at 3-4 lines. Suggest the second paragraph be started when JUDY is introduced.

On the first page of the story, Judy “rolls her eyes.” I have been told that actors do not like being filmed “rolling their eyes.” See if you can find something else for the actor to do.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

It's written well. It's easy to follow, even with all of the flashbacks. The story is a bit too straightforward, not too many conflicts, and the ending didn't enlighten me.

The first page is good in setting up the tone and the situation. But after the heart attack, there are too many characters that you didn't introduce. You just introduced Nurse #1 and the respiratory therapist. Then suddenly Dr. Sharp and the other nurses show up talking. Maybe you should cut out one nurse and introduce Dr. Sharp instead of the respiratory therapist.

Page three to four is all talk and no action. Just John retelling his story. Very long dialogue on both sides of the conversation as well. Sadly to say, John's story wasn't that interesting because he only said he saw some light and then came back to life.

John's reason to come back to life is because of Judy. But you didn't setup that John cares about Judy. I was wondering how Judy can even affect John at all.

I didn't understand the last flashback. Judy was taking stolen morphine from another patient because she wanted to relieve pain. Okay, so how does that relate to the main story?

Anyway, this script has good intention but lacks emotional depth. It's a GOOD for me.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This story had some nice elements to it. The man coming back from death with a death experience, something wrong with the nurse that isn't ever really talked about specifically, etc. This all played together nicely. I think there could be something more added to it. I'm not sure what it would be. I feel like there could be a little bit more depth added to those two characters to make their connection a little stronger and more meaningful. I'm not sure how you achieve that, maybe some more back and forth in the beginning where Judy might share something with John, a bit of an exchange that connects the two. Maybe she reveals something to him that she isn't admitting to anyone else or even herself. Maybe she finds out something about him about why he is ready to die which will make the fact that he comes back for her more meaningful.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"Turns the TV off" would have been a quicker description.

Judy's description should be the start of a new paragraph. Keep the length of your paragraphs to 2-3 lines.

"Liquid Morphine" Does that kill you if you take too much of it? Probably does.

I really like this story. Very well thought of. Very, very well thought of. I want to give this an excellent, but I think you need to tighten up on your writing. Some paragraphs were too long, and I think you over explained a few things.

Like when the doctor flashed the light in John's eyes. This could have read in two sentences like this:

Dr. Sharp pulls back John's eyelids and shines a flashlight in his deadened eyes. He clicks it off and shakes his head.

Another with Dr. Stevenson looking for Judy. You had 3 sentences when it could have been two:

Dr. Stevenson paces down the corridor, peeking in every room. Further down the hall, he spots Judy leaning against a wall.

Shortening them will make your screenplay cleaner and give you more space, so you don't have to put two paragraphs together.

If you really can't figure out how to shorten a sentence by like, one word, try and shorten the name! I mean this is only a 5 pager. It won't be that big of a deal. Dr. Stevenson could have easily been Dr. Bay. Now you saved space! :)

Very Good job, though.

Jeremy Yates (Level 1)

Looks like Judy has saved a life by way of her crappy one. Suicide references are strong in film when you show how it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I liked it and could easily visualize the screen and all it's dark contrast between leaving this world by choice vs. sticking around to give someone (Judy) life.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Cool short. Judy's hooked on medications and her patients are dying becuase of it. The doctor seems to be onto something, so she'll probably get caught later on down the line. John's death being the catalyst to all this was also well thought out. His experience and the way he spoke about it to the doctor was realistic. The only thing is that the story really doesn't have a beginning or ending. It feels as if it is missing information, scenes, characters that would make this more complete. John said he came back to help Judy, it would have been cool to see that come to fruition somehow. Overall I give it a Very Good for being a well written script with good dialogue.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I don't know if I like this one. For one I didn't like the dialogue alot. 2 there are too many flashbacks. 3. I don't know if a person can wake up after 20mins of being dead. Not much about this original. I don't care about any of the characters. Try to focus on your main two or three. It just left me feeling like it was packed in there.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The bright light flashback was humorous but did not blend well with the rest of the script for me.

I think you could tell us what Judy's problem was, you did show a little in the set up but very little. Not enough, I think, to make us root for her the full speed.

I liked the script though. And nice writing too.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Emotional story premise.
Some of the important information like John's death and his reason for returning to life is "told" via dialogue. John repeats to Dr. Stevenson in a lengthy passage what takes place on page one -- he turned off the tv and "started to get a pain...in my chest." While the medical jargon seems authentic, it takes up a lot of space without adding much relevancy. Doesn't matter what the doctor, nurses or Judy "say" they are doing, John dies.
There's enough tension to work with in this hospital setting. Could use more visual action, less verbal. Good opportunity for some kind of touching interaction between Judy and John. It's clear from Judy's phone conversation that there are problems at home. Probably don't need to add the stolen morphine scene at the end.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I was really impressed by your willingness to go to some dark places for this story. The flashbacks are really well placed, as well, giving us a variety of information and twists.

The only problem I have with the story is in the dialogue, which affects the pacing. It felt like like "weaker" parts of the story were given too much weight in the dialogue, giving the read a herky-jerky feeling. A couple places where this was really obvious was at the top of page 3, which could really all be deleted without sacrificing story. John's initial speech is rather long, as well.

One of the nurses mentions that the patient had already been coding for 20 minutes by the time Judy finally gets there. But the final flashback makes it appear as though she'd been summoned immediately. There's a time discrepancy. Besides which, if they'd really been searching for Judy, wouldn't they just have called her over the PA system instead of sending valuable nurses on a wild goose chase to hunt her down?

Besides those two issues, I think you have a really good story. Very Good.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

You did a nice job of creating and holding tension and the hospital scenes all felt authentic to my untrained eyes. The script did feel like it could be condensed a little, and I wasn't sure if showing the flashbacks while John told his story was the most effective choice (you could let John go on with his opinion uninterrupted before the doctor gives an explanation).

Some of the writing was confusing, most noticeably in the beginning. I think you should more clearly establish that John is the patient and is in bed. Also, the wording of 'john presses the power button causing the screen to go black' seemed needlessly convoluted. Why not just say John turns the TV off?

I also had a problem with the logic of the story. If you were trying to suggest that Judy was going to kill herself, I think you need to be a little more clear, but my major issue was that John claims that he had to come back to save Judy, but him coming back didn't save her at all - his dying did. Whether or not he came back wouldn't have changed her getting interrupted.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Near-death experiences are very interesting. I like what you did with the story here.

'(to Judy)' should be on its own line.

I wasn't sure what happened exactly at the end - he let go because she said she was alright but she wasn't really?

When John was describing his near-death experience, it felt quite clinical and detached. He was also pretty calm about basically dying that morning. I like how that shows how in control of his life he is.

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Enjoyable read.

The patient's tale about what happened to him was the highlight for me. Especially the reason for seeing the "bright light". Very clever.

I fear the ending isn't bringing the closure you intended for this story. The patient interrupted *this* particular suicide attempt, but it seems like the nurse could try again anytime soon. Nothing crucial changed in her life.

Maybe it should?

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I think the title works well here.

Overall I liked the concept of this story. It has a touch of Ghost Whisperer to it but it doesn't have as much resolution. The final flashback shows that Judy is on the edge, but I see no reason to think she won't be right back in the bathroom later.

I think the set-up should have been stronger between John and Judy. In your opening scene there wasn't anything to indicate that they had formed any kind of bond. In my opinion, that needed to be there to buy into John's concern for her in the end.

I think you can cut some of the wordiness of the action lines:
"presses the power button on the hospital TV remote causing the screen to go black." This could be "turns off the TV."

"Judy’s cell phone rings from inside her scrub uniform pocket. This could be "Judy's cell phone RINGS."

The extra wording doesn't add anything to the action. And it gives you more room to build-up the relationship between John and Judy and add more closure at the end.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Well written, but this is but the set-up, where's the rest of the story. Guy comes back, now he has to save her right? Or put her on the good path again. Did you run out of pages, it doesn't feel wrapped up. I really like your tone and the realistic line to every character, but the story itself isn't really that exciting.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I love the theme here and how John and Judy end up "helping" each other. Well done.

Who is Dr. Sharp? He's not properly introduced.

You can curtail the number of characters throughout. I think Dr. Sharp and Dr. Stevenson can be combined.

Your screenwriting is fine, but it can be pared down some, e.g.- Right in your opening narrative paragraph, you use three lines to basically say John turns off his t.v.

Formatting overall is in order, only the parentheticals are incorrect.

There are some typos throughout.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I've only read seven scripts so far this month and this one is by far the best.

The story seemed real. I'm suspecting you have some experience within the medical field.

Why did you add another doctor? Why not stick with Dr. Sharp?

You could hint a little, very subtly at something Judy does, a gesture or something that would suggest she has a problem so that the morphine part doesn't come as such a surprise. Surprises are good, but not when they come out of left field. Works better IMHO when you're surprised and think to yourself "ahhhh...why didn't I see that?". If that makes sense.

Anyway you get a Very Good from me. Good Luck! :)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Interesting and compelling. Nice twist and resolution. There were a few technical flaws but nothing huge. John and Judy could have had one more line between them. Something to establish their familiarity. You need to introduce Dr. Sharp before you have him speak. The middle was kind of static. We don't really learn too much about John or Judy and it's a lot of talking head things -- reads more like a play than a film. Circling back to Judy leaving and then showing her in the bathroom were my favorite parts. I liked that you showed her at the very edge of joining John, then they both were brought back to see another day. This was a well done script in many respects and met the challenge in a creative way. Good luck to you.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I liked this script a lot. The imagery is very good, as I can see everything unfolding very clearly. I also think the flashbacks were worked in very nicely and helped to tell the story in a very coherent way.

Not much to gripe about, however the introduction of Dr. Sharp and the surrounding medical staff (with no descriptions in the ACTION) made for a slight "bump" in the read, but the blanks filled themselves in nonetheless.

This was Very Good!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Nice little slice of life story.

I had some sympathy for Judy during the story. There was a lot of exposition in John's story, he basically told us his whole life story. It might have been good to have John's family there at the end, so we could connect with his life.

While I had sympathy for Judy, I felt she was weak in attempting to take her own life, because she had a good job and kids to care for. If she was going to do it for her man (or lack of) she came off as weak.

It was a good story though and I enjoyed it. I felt a connection to your characters.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a pretty good story, but the end confused me a little. After re-reading it and thinking about it for a while, I guess I understand it, but I'm not sure. Judy is stressed out because of her marital problems, so she plans to kill herself with Catherine Morgan's morphine. But John comes back from the dead and snaps Judy out of it.

I think it was the flashback that confused me a little, because there's no time reference (i.e., when did the flashback happen), and Nurse #2 just says, "Judy, your patient is coding." Which patient? Now, after some thought, I guess it has to be John, but I didn't get that at first. Another small glitch in all this -- in the flashback, Nurse #2 tells Judy her patient is coding. But Judy's in the bathroom and Nurse #2 is in John's room. (Or did I miss something?)

All the medical jargon also sorta clouds things over a little bit, at least for me.

But, I think I finally figured it all out, and it's a pretty good story about a good reason for someone to come back from "the light".

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

You forgot to introduce Dr. Sharp.

I've been told that you should always have a line of action after a scene heading, before any of your character's talk. I tend to agree with that, even if it's just 'As above'. You don't at the start of page 4.

Overall, I liked this story. It had a good concept, that John was sent back to help Judy - stop her killing herself. The problem with that is the exact same thing would have happened if John had died. She would have still been interrupted and would still have had to go back to John's room. If the fact that John lived brought about a happiness in her then I think that needs to be in the script. As it is, it doesn't quite make sense. Still gets a very good from me, but I think you need to deal with that aspect of it in a rewrite.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I certainly didn't expect that you were going to unveil the secret of life in a screenplay, but the resolution you've given to your story doesn't do it for me. To some extent, the story seems to be a cross between Nurse Jackie and the Twilight Zone. Still, it leaves a question resonating in my mind: Why a guy would go out of his way – to heaven, as a matter of fact -- to “save” some nurse who didn't care all that much about him – and I say this because when he needed her, she was nowhere to be found -- even if she was being paid to do it?

It surprises me, though that your narration seems somehow to support two confronting theories: On the one hand, we have John, coming back from death to help Judy; and on the other hand, we have all the explanations about the post mortem experience. It makes it look as if John was not really dead, for, nevertheless, he still sees and hears through his body.

On the positive side, you have the hospital talk down to science. I read what you wrote, and I feel as I am right there with doctors and nurses.

Cinematically, I think you have to apply yourself a bit more. For example, you write that John “presses the power button on the hospital TV remote causing the screen to go black” when you could simply say that he “turns off the TV.” In screenwriting, the fact that you use more words to describe something doesn't make better but quite the opposite.

Your dialogue, also, I think it needs some work. To me, it seems too on the nose. I would say that it is neither natural not all that efficient. It seems to me that you spend too much time with pleasantries:
DR. STEVENSON
Judy, I’d like to ask you something.
JUDY
What is it Doctor?
That, in my opinion, is a lot of space gone nowhere and not very entertaining to read.

In summing up, I think you made a great effort, but I also think that you could improve the end result. Good luck.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Well this is a fairly well written piece, I'm not a big fan of "could it really be a coincidence" type stories. Regardless, I think that you've built a solid story around the premise. The interconnections are there, but not forced, which I imagine is not easy to execute. The one character I had a problem with was John. His speech seemed long, forced, and over dramatic, especially since it seems that he's was pretty comfortable with dying. I just have a hard time accepting that anyone would run through a check list of their life minutes before checking out, then explain it all to a doctor shortly after they've been revived. It seems like time and reflection would be required.

Overall, while the type of story does not appeal to me, you've done a good job crafting this script. Best of luck!

Comments Made After the Contest