Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

You're writing is very easy to read and I liked your characters. You're idea is great, but the title is almost a little too revealing.

I do have to say that the ending was not surprising enough. We know he is going to kicked out of heaven, but maybe you could add a twist, like maybe the nun likes what she saw under the robe and wants to keep him forever.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

The inanimate object coming too life (statue of saint Peter) seems a bit too forced. The main body of the story is rather predictable, but I think Delmar flashing the nun at the end is the little unexpected twist that would make this a really funny short.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Great job tackling the afterlife and religious beliefs. The characters have depth, the story is unique, and the setting is full of visuals.

We don't need to know Manuel's accent. Let the director decide that as they may decide to go a different route with his nationality.

Sister Josette is hilarious. Her treatment of Delmar gives the script its pacing and sets the tone perfectly.

Other than that, I have no other criticisms or suggestions. Great job!

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Love it. I love the idea and the characters.

"We don't say Hell in heaven" - had me rolling. This is the kind of script I want others to read - people that don't read scripts. In fact I'm going to have my wife read it.

This needs to be made.

You did let a comedic moment slip by with his fingernails. He just shoves them in his pockets - that was good enough? No! He should have to clean them first, then go through the whole Peter check-in thing again. Use the same pattern you use once he's in heaven with having to go to the back of the line again.

This is fantastic.

EXCELLENT work!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced quite well. The story was very fresh and original. Your visions of Heaven and Hell seem to backwards, but I guess that's what makes the story work. I liked the ending. haha. Like Billy Joel, Delmar would rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints (and given the circumstances, I don't blame him at all.)

All in all, this was an entertaining script that painted a unique vision of the afterlife. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is an interesting and humourous tale and I think I'd rather go to hell!

I felt it was more like a sketch than a full story. I think it was that the characters didn't grab me and make me care about them sufficiently. They needed more distinct personalities.

A few points:

(Nervously.)(Eyes wide.)(On the phone.)- parentheticals best avoided

screaming in terror...
MANUEL
A-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!!! - I think it's best to leave it at 'screaming in terror' - putting that A-a- etc. is laughable! So is Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! And B-b-but... And Chores!?! What the hell?!? - this is the sort of writing that appears in comic strips.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I wonder if this was written by the same guy that always write these sacralicious- yes that's a word, just ask the Simpsons?
- Makes me think Hell is the place to be.
- When you want to show a pause in a phone conversation use an ellipsis ..., sure pause works, but it's more distracting.
- Not sure this is reanimated in any way, but it was entertaining.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a fun little script.

I wish I knew a bit more about Manuel and Delmar, but I like the predicament they find themselves in and the unique take you have on heaven and hell.

You could see the end/twist coming, but it was still a good read.

David Birch (Level 5)

actually, this was, kind of, a fun read...not sure about the cell phones in the afterlife...my version of heaven would be to not have any phones (cell or landline)...the twist was a bit predictable because you made the scene from down below so enticing, so if you want to set up your twist better, then tone it down just a little...if you're going for the humor angle, then i'd have it all the way throughout...for instance, i'd have something happen to st. peter when he comes off his pedestal...perhaps trip and fall and belt out an expletive...then have him warn them about the nuns...something to raise the comedic level even higher...anyway, nice going and thanks for a fun read...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

A very inventive take on the "at the pearly gates" type yarn. Problem is, most of these I've heard turn out to be jokes, and your punchline did not really take me by surprise.

Some very funny moments, and dialogue - great nun character. A fitting title - Good job all in all.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Very good screenplay format and story. Reminds me of many jokes I’ve heard over the years. Only comment I have is to use less words ending in ING which will make your writing more active. Example: “She sees Delmar picking up papers from the floor.” Consider instead: “She sees Delmar pick up papers from the floor.”

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is funny and interesting. Another unique interpretation of what heaven actually is. The idea kept me intrigued.

However, I hope there is a bit more story. This feels like a couple of scenes from a larger story. You only gave us just a glimpse of heaven. I want to see what actually happens in heaven.

The ending creates potential plot hole. If all you need to do to go to hell is to disobey the Sister, then why didn't everyone just do the same? Is it because they don't know hell is actually heaven?

Writing-wise, be careful not to repeat your location in the description after the slugline.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The images of heaven's gates, check in, etc. seemed like the ususal thing you always see, I would have liked something a bit different. Something that could have made it seem even worse to be in heaven.

I like the premise here. However, it kind of didn't make any sense to me that heaven would not be good and hell would be good. By definition, they are the opposite of that. Maybe the twist could have been that we see the pearly gates description, we think it is heaven because it is what we are used to seeing, the plot unfolds but we eventually realize the guy in white robes with pearly gates is actually in hell and the guy in the "heat" which ends up being a hot tub is really in heaven. That way you give a twist to the normal imagery we think of as heaven and you also maintain the idea that heaven is good and hell is bad.

When Delmar says Yikes, it seemed like an odd thing to say, I never hear someone saying Yikes.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very entertaining and original! All the characters were very well described. Perfect ending.

I don't think he should say "shit" in heaven. Might that alone cause him to get the buzzer. It might be funny if when he drops the papers he say, "Oh my G.. (beat) Goodness" or "Sh...(beat) Shucks".

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Who really says "Yikes"?

When did he get a name tag? If he had one on, why did the gatekeeper bother to ask him for his name?

So the entire time I'm waiting on something to come to life and at the end I realized that your CHARACTERS came back to life! Haha! Clever.

What I didn't really understand was the point. Why was Heaven so strict? I thought you were going to reveal something to us at the end. And Hell was nice? Why? I ask this because we are taught that Heaven is good and Hell is bad, but you decided to change it up but didn't explain why. I thought that was strange.

I did like the nun, though. She was so annoying in the funniest way.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Cool little story. Not as hilarious and certainly not original, but the presentation of heaven as a stuffy place full of hard discipline and no fun was good. Dialogue felt a bit stiff at times and the ending was nothing unexpected, actually quite predictable. Good writing throughout and an easy read with short descriptions. A Good entry, but I would like to suggest perhaps making this a bit more exciting at the end and adding an element of unexpectedness, as the story does run the usual route that similar stories have in the past. Keep writing, overall you did great.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I wish he said this, I wish he exclaimed "Heaven is Hell" and added that he doesn't want to stay here.

Great story! funny and to the point. I get it, I laughed a great deal and I understand how it's hell for Manuel:)

Very Good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A terrific idea with a twist on the expected. The admonishments from St. Peter and Sister Josette of "no sloppiness, no talking, no messes, no arguing" are consistent and pretty funny. Lots of visual fodder throughout the story.
Could streamline the dialogue a bit. Several instances where the dialogue replicates the action. Could probably omit St. Peter's "Sorry, mi amigo" since St. Peter "Shakes his head" and Manuel subsequently falls through the trap door. After St. Peter "looks Delmar up and down," St. Peter can simply say, "Welcome to Heaven." St. Peter can spot Delmar's dirty nails and comment, "There's no sloppiness in Heaven." Then, Delmar "jams his hands in his pockets"; Delmar's action replaces his "Sorry" dialogue.
Love the irony in the title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This general theme and play on words has been really overdone in past months, at least in my opinion.

There's some humor in here, but mostly anti-nun and anti-church stuff, nothing strikingly original. You know how to write, so I'm rather surprised you didn't go for something more creative.

The St. Peter statue thing was clearly thrown in just to satisfy the rules of the contest (which is fine), but it seemed like a setup that was never paid off. What's the purpose of the statues? Why doesn't he reappear? Why is the heaven enforcer a nun, narrowing those "in charge" of heaven to one particular religion?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

That was funny.

I did guess that he would find Hell the better choice in the end, but I had also considered another twist, that the Heaven Delmar was in was actually Hell, masquerading as Heaven.

How do they get such good network coverage?

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Haha! Nice one!

The ending seemed a bit abrupt at first. But then I got it, he flashed his equipment at the sister so he could escape that wretched place. LOL.

I hope you place.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Great title.

I thought you had an interesting new take on St. Peter standing guard at the Pearly Gates. Nice use of the contest requirements.

The concept here isn't anything really new - Heaven is boring and Hell is fun. I think you did a good job with the script however. It was a fun, quick, and humorous read.

The way you set it up had me envisioning Cheech & Chong.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A fun read. I liked the characters and enjoyed your interpretation of heaven and hell.

You use the challenge subtly but I would have liked to see more of the animated statues in the story.

The script has good pace although gets a little repetitive with the dropped papers and rapped knuckles.

The nun is very one dimensional.

Towards the end, this:

POV OVER DELMAR’S SHOULDER

completely pulled me out of the visuals you had created and ruined the ending for me. It reads much better without the camera direction.

A smooth and entertaining read.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I think at it's core, this story has been done quite a few times. The whole juxtaposition of the elements. Besides that, it goes on for too long There's a point in the script where you really have to give the reader credit and assume they get what you mean. Else you just keep beating a dead horse, and that's how it feels now.

Don't get me wrong, your dialogue is good and it's funny. I like the whole double meaning of hot and such, but there's not really much of a story is there? You just show things and then it happens. There's no dynamic nor arc and that's truly missing here. Just funny images.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was a fun take on what heaven could be like. I think your title might give away the story's theme, but I guess it's no big deal with comedies. There's an old "Twilight Zone" episode with a similar theme, but that one's a lot more sinister, of course.

Your screenwriting is good; format appears acceptable; didn't detect any major typos.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I rather enjoyed this one even though I knew how it would end as soon as I read Manuel was pretty happy where he was.

Would have been even funnier, to me at least, if Manuel had gone on and on about how great hell was in their phone conversation and then Delmar trying to get out of heaven only to find out that Manuel was lying through his teeth. In other words, skip the scene with Miguel enjoying himself and only have his voice on the phone.

:-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Kind of surprised this passed for bringing someone to life but since Heaven and Hell are the presumed destinations afterwards, gotta go with it. This felt like a skit on SNL or something. I never felt like I was watching a movie and since everything was stereotypical, I was never surprised. There was never a goal established or enough time with any one character to empathize with either of their plights. Why not have only one of the guys and give us some element of if he'll stay or be sent down? This needs more in several areas but it's in proper format with few spelling errors -- just wish there was more to it.

Robert Kent (Level 3)

The story was very clever. Although it's been joked before that Hell is preferable to Heaven because there are probably more interesting people down there, I don't think I've seen a show that aptly visualizes it. I could see Carol Burnett and her cast on her old variety show performing this story.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a really fun script, I enjoyed it from start to finish. You've got talent. Your writing is fun, quick dialogue and very visual.

Nice work, I hope it does well for you.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This had a nice, simple idea behind it. I enjoyed the script.

More defined characters would help make it stand out. As, personally, I found them a bit 2D.

Still, a good fun script. Well done.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This story is very funny.

It flows well, but there are a number of things that I think you could do to make it read even smoother.

Let me take some notes as I go through the whole thing once more.

Manuel speaking with a Latino accent is very funny.

You write:
"MANUEL
(Nervously.)
Manuel Francisco Ortiz de Escobar."
Many folks will give you fire for using "nervously" as you do. First, it is an adverb, which are to be treated like the plage; and it also is a wryly, which are to be treated like adverbs -- if you know what I mean.

Then, you say he falls screaming in terror and give him a couple of dialogue lines to do so. You actually need one of the two: you say he screams, or you have him doing it. Everything else is lost space.

"DELMAR
(Eyes wide.)
Yikes!"
Eyes wide is another wryly. Not that there's a prohibiyion, but you writing is explicit enough so that the reader can imagine Delmar's face by him/herself.

This is hilarious: "INT. HOTEL LOBBY, HEAVEN." Though you need to be careful: You don't need to repeat hotel lobby in the next line -- you just told us.

Sister Josette's character is genious. You made a perfect portrait. The whole relation between her and Delmar is priceless.

And everyone is going to tell you that you should try yo avoid POV's and every other camera direction in a spec script. Those are supposed to be reserved for shooting script, and this ain't one of those.

Everything up to here is good. There are things that I believe could be improved, but the story holds well. Then, the ending, in my opinion kind spoils the thing. To me, it seems flat. I mean, it is obvious what is going to happen. Delmar is gettting fed up while Manuel is having a ball. It doesn't take a genius to see the only reasonable alternative. But the way you solve it... I don't know. It just doesn't do it for me. I think it is not as funny as it should be to keep up with the rest of the story.

To finish, I want to tell you that right at the beginning, you have St. Peter' statue coming to life. Maybe that is the "inanimated object" you brought to life to comply with the rules os this contest, and I am not going to get into a debate bacause the moderators gave you the go, which is what counts; but, in my book, everyone in this story is dead the whole time, and no one or nothing comes to life at any point. There are no living people neither in Heaven nor Hell; and that is a fact. But that is another story.


Hope it helps. Good luck.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a pretty decent take on the contest. I like how you incorporate the living object. It works really well and fits the piece nicely. There are a few good laughs in this piece, but overall I feel like I've had this conversation and heard this argument ("Hell would be more fun than heaven...") many times before. I wish there was more of a story woven around the concept, rather than just illustrating the point. Regardless, this has a few nice laughs and is well constructed. Good job, and best of luck!

William Wilson (Level 3)

Finally! A story i actually enjoyed reading in this contest!

Out of the eleven other stories i have read yours is tied for the lead in my book!

I thought your story was edgy it was funny and it took a different inventive look at Heaven and Hell in ways that i feel worked in telling a terrific story

I Give "Heaven is Hell" an 8 out of 10

Comments Made After the Contest