Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I liked this story, but I do feel like you could do it better justice making it a longer story. It's okay for the sake of the contest, but I think you should take it and try making it longer and defining the characters more and you could have a really good thriller.
I really like the idea of the ghost not being bad, and helping the protagonist and punishing the bad guy. It's a nice twist and even tho I have to admit I have seen it before, it's not something you see very often.

the connection to a picture is a bit thin, but I think that only matters in relation to the rules of this contest. Doesnt really affect how effective the story is.

Brian Howell (Level 4)

There is definitely an underlying feeling of creepiness and despair. The action flowed well. There was a good set-up and delivery. I think the weakest aspect of this is the ending. It's not really a weakness per se, but more that the ending fizzled instead of wowed.

For me the ending went a little too long. He either needs to kill her quick or Amanda kill him quick. There seemed to be extra dialogue that could have been cut and action lines that could be cut too.

All in all, this is VERY GOOD!

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

It is a very good story. The plot is excellent. I congratulate the writer for this craft. This story can be developed into half an our horror story. If writer decides to write a 26 minutes story on this theme, I would love to read it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I'm not sure why there seems to be a trend of putting Fade In on the right, but it belongs all the way on the left. Aside from that, all the formatting looked good. The pace is nice and quick. No othere errors that I noticed.

I think the names need to be a little more distinct, specifically the 3 female characters. I just think they are too commonplace and the characters didn't really come to life as individuals.

The story here was just okay for me. There really wasn't anything uniqiue or original here. Just another ghost story, similar to the hundreds of others I've seen and read. The dad being the depressed killer was a decent twist, but it comes about halfway through the script and there really weren't any surprises left after that.

Overall, nice work. Maybe play with the structure a bit to get the twist closer to the end. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

Good, visually strong opening scene.

I am feeling that you describe every movement, every look. It makes the script a bit laboured and isn't necessary. Give your audience credit for being able to assume basic actions.

I thought this was very, very good until the ending which seemed to be very abrupt and left me wanting something more - especially as you had the space for a few more lines!

For this reason, it's a Very Good from me rather than an Excellent.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

Lots of amazing images here. Really fantastic visuals.

I'm intrigued by the story, but in the end, I'm just not sure that I believe Henry has gone crazy and started killing local girls so his dead daughter will have friends to play with.

Your craft is great, but as it is, it doesn't quite work for me - maybe if the story had more time to play out.

David Birch (Level 5)

you don't have to say, "emily stands up..."...simply "emily stands" will do...always error on the side of brevity..."eyes go wild"...might be better as, "eyes bulge"...nice twist at the end...drop the "home made" for the lasagna..."pulls out a pan of lasagna" is plenty...but, overall really nice work...good luck in the vote...thanks...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A simple story with a powerful punch at the end. My biggest concern is the writer has a tendency to overwrite. As you work on a screenplay, look at each sentence and see if it can be rewritten in less words. Remember, less is usually more. Also, combining sentences can make for a stronger “read”. Here are some examples:

The wind is strong which makes the job a little tricky. Consider instead: The strong wind makes the job tricky.
He walks off towards the kitchen. Consider instead: He walks toward the kitchen.
Emily stands up and walks towards a telephone in the corner of the room. Consider instead: Emily walks towards a telephone in the corner.
Emily is tied to a chair in the center of the room. Henry sits opposite her. Consider instead: Henry sits opposite Emily, tied to a chair in the center of the room.
Henry glances across at Emily. Consider instead: Henry glances at Emily.
He stops and looks to Emily. Consider instead: He looks at Emily.
Amanda reaches up to the key in the door and turns it – her gaze on Emily the whole time. Consider instead: “Amanda reaches for the key in the door. She turns it and gazes at Emily.
Emily nods, tears filling her eyes. Consider instead: Emily nods with tear-filled eyes.
Henry squats down in front of her. Consider instead: Henry squats in front of her.

On page two: “Emily stands, facing the wall…” Emily is already standing. Two paragraphs earlier, the writer wrote: “Emily stands up and walks…”

Ferdinand Casido (Level 2)

The story seems to end abruptly. The ghost Amanda suddenly appearing and giving Henry what seems to be a heart attack seems a little Deus ex machina. If the ghost wanted to kill henry, why didn't it kill before this encounter? For some reason I feel that Henry wouldn't try to kill Emily. Why would he stop her from calling the press/police? If he was the killer he should be confident on not getting caught.

Amanda reaches up to the key in the door - What's the purpose of this? She seems to vanish and pop up randomly. Why would she touch a key?

The verb tenses sometimes fluctuated between past and present tense.

Herman Chow (Level 4)

The first scene was very intriguing, I was dying to know what's going to happen with Emily and that teenage girl (Amanda). But somehow the revelation fell off track into something generic and left me feeling indifferent.

The major problem here is our antagonist, Henry. He was our perfect husband for one instance and then he just snapped because of Emily calling the police. It feels too abrupt of a personality chance. And the easier way out is to convince Emily, not tying her up and killing her. Even a psychopath would follow the path of least resistance.

And I don't get why Henry killed all these girls after his daughter died. Were the missing girls all involved with Sophie's death? If so, you have to dramatize it or else Henry's motivation seemed hollow.

Amanda's rescue seemed nice, but I don't get why she's helping Emily either. And at the end, I know very little of each character to care much for them.

Writing is good though.

GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

She hangs them on a clothesline not washing line.

How is the girl's face rotten? Like wasted away or just with a rotten expression?

Is Amanda a ghost?

I few questions arise, but overall a good and suspenseful story.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Level 4)

"Scarred like a little boy"? - I don't get that? Wouldn't you say girl because Emily is female? Oh wait, you might be referring to her husband. It's not that clear.

"You need Help, Henry. You're sick" That is very cliche compared to the great dilaogue you have going here. I think you should change that line.

Aw, didn't like the last scenes. The flashback was unnecessary. You already implied enough through dialogue. I loved how that was so subtle, but the flashback ruined it. And I didn't like how the ghost came to save the mom. If she could do all that, what's stopping Sophie from coming down and speaking to her mom herself?

Amazing story with a nice twist, but the ending needs some work. I'll give this a VG.

Jem Rowe (Level 3)

Ahhh, this script has me frustratingly conflicted. To explain, the last script I reviewed was technically extremely good but to be honest felt a bit flat and insipid, for some reason I couldn't get involved or interested but I still had a hard time working out how it could be improved. On the other hand, your script has parts that absolutely grab my attention and some far more interesting ideas, however I feel there is still plenty of room for improvement. In the end I gave you a 'Very Good', Well Done :)


Firstly, what I loved:
- The first scene, especially reveal of the rotten side of the girl's face hidden from Emily, just grabbed me. What a great start to draw your reader in.
- The typical suburban neighbourhood is such an unconventional setting for a ghost story, it's a brilliant idea that makes me want to write a suburban ghost story of my own.
- The showing of conflict and stress within Henry through the simple gesture of rubbing his temples is very effective.
- Your use of the required element of the image was not in the least forced.

Now, what I think can be improved:
- There must be hundreds of appropriate titles more compelling than 'fifteen'.
- I know this is fundamental to the story you've chosen to tell, but I find that the best ghost stories don't have such a clear antagonist, and at least don't focus much on the antagonist, and are instead simply a mystery to be unraveled. I think Henry and his actions are too imposing on the story which would be better driven by Emily's curiosity and suspicion.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I thought this was a nice little ghost story/ thriller with some very good moments.

A minor complaint I had:

During the climax with Henry has Emily tied up in basement... when the ghost of Amanda appeared, it wasn't clear to me straight away that Henry hadn't seen her/ could not see her. I thought that that Henry and Amanda were somehow in cahoots together. Perhaps if you explicitly state Henry hasn't seen Amanda behind him.

Other than that.... very good, liked it.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Reminds me of the song by Depeche Mode "Little Fifteen". The way the script begins, it sort of makes you feel like you've been down this road before, but the mild twist gives it a minute flair of uniqueness. While the ending was predictable, the execution of it was right. Amanda telling Emily that her daughter misses her was a nice touch. Overall,
a Good entry.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a very nice story. Engaged me right away and kept me curious. Great premise - he kills her friends so that she has friends...- very inventive.

I liked Amanda's whispering at the end, very spooky. Looks like you calculated the shots...her disappearing behind the white sheets...the flashback. Also - it's only three characters, no special effects - high production value.
And very spooky.

I think you don't need quotation marks for "shushes". I often go through my script and delete all the quotation marks. I use a lot of them but know that even small thing as that might be disturbing. Not for me though - telling you that just in case.

Very Good, I think. A wonderfully atmospheric short, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Nice visual setup. Good tease as Emily mundanely hangs sheets on the line and has an encounter with a missing girl's apparition.
The narrative could benefit from some tightening. There seems to be lots of "looking" and description of character movements. The "Johnson House - Kitchen" scene doesn't contribute relevant information to the story. It probably doesn't matter that Emily is squatting or retrieves "home-made lasagna" from the oven. Maybe start the scene with Henry kissing the picture. Emily might not need to greet him at all. Henry's "Smells gorgeous" seems an awkward phrase. There wasn't any indication of Henry's sociopathic behavior, so not sure that his sudden turn on Emily works.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The first scene reminded me of Two-Face from The Dark Knight. Or Jonah Hex, even. The idea that one side of the face is CGI and gross. Maybe not quite as original as it could be? Certainly creepy, and the shots are well laid out.

Some of the dialogue was cliched. For example: "What the hell, Henry?" and "You need help, Henry. You're sick." are lines out of any penny noir/thriller. These are great opportunities to inform the audience about the relationship between Emily and Henry: how do they talk to each other? Does she demean him? Is she submissive? Does she nervously try to take command in this situation? Be creative with the dialogue.

The deus ex machina ending was rather unsatisfying. So Emily lives and Henry dies. Because of a ghost. It just struck me as convenient and unbelievable, which blunts the impact of the moral.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

FADE IN: should be left justified.

Use full scene headings that contain INT./EXT. - LOCATION and DAY/NIGHT for each scene change. Keep your location descriptions simple. This is a short and you don't take us to many locations. Everything happens in, at or near the JOHNSON HOUSE. You could probably drop the HOUSE from the headings you use it in.

This is a pretty good story. I didn't care for the flashback - It was a bit disorienting. I think you could do a lot more with this by adding to the story in a rewrite.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"The side of the girl’s face that Emily can’t see is rotten to the core." Ew. Nice shock moment, although it is very reminiscent of Two-Face in The Dark Knight.

I thought the way you established the routine of how this couple have been coping with their daughter's death was ingenious. Very well done.

I'm not sure how much I buy Henry's turn. I guess he's been a psychopath since Sophie died, but he just does a very good job of hiding it. Looking back on it, his actions were necessitated by Emily calling the police, so I think I can believe it now.

Great suspense with a mystical element that I enjoyed. Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It’s a cool concept.

I enjoyed it mostly, but the ending left me wanting more. It felt a bit abrupt. I would suggest expanding this to give the story more closure.

The relationship between Henry and Emily, for example, is left unresolved. He kills her? He goes to jail? You don't have to spell out everything, but at least give us a hint about what direction the resolution will take.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This was a very clever idea. Unfortunately, I think, you really didn't take the time to make it shine. I liked the idea of a fifteen year old ghost seeking revenge on the man who killed her.

There were a couple of problems I had with this. They started when you said Amanda's face was rotten to the core. I wasn't quite sure whether you meant her face was rotten or if you meant she had a mean expression.

Then from there on there were a number of cliches such as seeing the girl on the news. And even more verbal cliches - and these are where some time would have helped. "Let me go we'll talk about it." "I knew you wouldn’t understand." "You need help, Henry. You’re sick.". And then some very on the nose dialogue "Is this about Sophie?" "Didn’t it make you so angry seeing all of her friends grow up?".

All of those things can be fixed with a little extra time. My suggestion would be for you to try and be more dramatic and less melodramatic. Look around the web for some definitions of those and you should get what I mean.

You definitely have potential as a screenwriter and I loved the last line.

Narrative **
Dialogue *
Character **
Story ***

2 * out of 5 *

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 3)

Great story. Henry's character definitely caught me off guard.

There's only two things I have questions about. First off, and I know it's a weird question, but what exactly, "smells gorgeous?" Is it the lasagna? I only ask because that's a strange way to talk about dinner. Or was he referring instead to the memory he had of his daughter? Granted, that too would have been strange.

Second, how important is it to note that Amanda's face was, "rotten to the core?" I understand she's dead, but it doesn't seem overly important to mention that he face was rotting. Emily didn't see it at first anyway. I'd suggest that if you wanted to keep that description, if might have a bigger impact if you wait to reveal that until she appears to Henry. You might also need to omit the flashback where he kills her. He kind of explains his actions anyways.

Overall, great job though. I'd love to see this made into a short.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

Yeah this is a good idea, really, but the execution is just weird. Henry is just such a stiff cliché with all the crazy talk and such. I mean, she's been living with him for more than 25 years! Now she just suddenly figure it out? The story just breaks a little too fast, with the ghost appearing so soon.

I like the core, I like the main idea, but it's just that it's too mess and nonsensical.
Rewrite could fix ALOT.

Maybe it could be Sophie too by the way, the whole Amanda thing really comes out of the blue.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A haunting tale with some spooky visuals, but this didn't hold many surprises for us and pretty much unfolds by the numbers.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

Pretty gruesome story, but well written and spooky. I was confused why he killed Amanda (I assume he did) so that Sophie would have friends. Amanda was in her early teens, whereas Sophie would be twenty five, so would they be friends.

Of course Henry's nuts, so we know he's not thinking straight, he's just killing people. He says he does it in a humane way, but Amanda's face was evidence that he didn't?

Not sure why he turned on his Emily, that seemed to come out of nowhere, but again, Henry is sick, so anything goes really.

This was a spooky tale, that would be fun to watch on Halloween with a bunch of friends. I could see teen girls really enjoying this.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

There's a kernel of a good story here, but it never really reaches its potential.

Henry is an interesting character, murdering young girls in the belief that he's providing friends for Sophie. I guess that's the kernel of a good story.

But what's up with the ghost? If she has the power to give Henry a heart attack, why does she wait eight days? And why does she appear to Emily out in the yard? Why not go straight for Henry? (And what does it mean when you say the side of her face is "rotten to the core"? Is it black? Shriveled? Why?) And, if she has this lethal power, do all ghosts have it? Why didn't any of Henry's other victims seek revenge?

And why was Henry worried when his wife started to make the call? All she was going to say was she saw a ghost that looked like Amanda, which then disappeared. Everyone would think she was looney tunes.

I love ghost stories, but you have to take special care when you're telling one. You have to make sure to establish some kind of logical rules, and then stick to them. In this story, the ghost/human interactions are kind of random. I guess that's why the story wasn't as satisfying as it could have been. (For me, anyway.)

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Good work on this, had a nice flowing read that makes it easy on the reader, as well as keeps them engaged throughout the entirety of the story.

the dialogue was crisp and moved the story right along, which is what you want in a good script

i enjoyed the story and though it had a nice mixture of suspense, drama, horror, and grit. Keep up the good work.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I wanted to like this, very atmospheric and creepy; it has all the elements of a psychological thriller & ghost story. The characters were interesting, but the way the story played out got me confused.

"The side of the girl’s face that Emily can’t see is rotten to the core." huh? rotten as in decomposed? evil?

I also suggest losing some of the superfluous details like "home made lasagna" what difference does it make what Emily pulls out of the oven?

But what really threw me was the abrupt way Henry bundled Emily off to the basement & tied her up. No hint of what was coming, this could be set-up better by injecting more suspense. And Emily is taking it all a little calmly, doncha think? "You need help, Henry. You’re sick." is hardly a strong reaction to her circumstances.

The ending also confused me; not sure how to fix that, maybe lose the flashback. And Emily is left tied up in the basement? I would have preferred to see her play a more active role in the outcome.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

You have good style; very fluid and visual. I like how you set the story. The only thing that to me feels a little too explicit is Henry kissing Sophie's photpograph. I don't mean to say that I don't believe it, but rather that the plot device seems too obvious. On the other hand, I think that that may be caused by the five page format, so I don't give much more thought.

Page two is also pretty good. I like how you describe Henry getting up snd moving on Emily.

But then, I think that the story gets confusing and a bit incoherent.

Why does he take Emily to the basement and have a chat with ther instead of killing her when he could? To me, it feels like you want her to survive, and you just work around that idea.

Why did Henry killed Amanda? You flahsback some information that in truth goes nowhere, because explains nothing of his motivation. The idea was good, but you missed the content.

And then, Amanda killing Henry is just a deus ex machina, regardless of whether you have introduced her before or not.

My suggestion is that you think another ending. The moment that Emily appears tied in the basement makes clear that Henry is going to die -which is not a bad thing, his death, but I think you have to do it less predictable.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

This was pretty well written and I don't think anything was really wrong with it. For some reason it just didn't really grab me and I wasn't caring about the characters. I guess it just felt a bit devoid of emotion for me. This guy has lost his daughter but we never saw them together or have any insight about their relationship. I get what he is doing at the end but I hadn't really seen enough hurt or anguish from him for it to really make sense. It might just be me though, and I'm sure a lot of other people will love it. It just lacked something for it to really stand out though IMO.

Travis DeStein (Level 4)

I thought this was very mysterious and creepy. It started off a little confusing with the characters showing up, I thought you could've been a little more specific. I liked the ending, though.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I would seriously consider removing the flashback; it does nothing to enhance the story or move it forward. It's already implied that Amanda is the spirit of one of Henry's victims, so the flashback seems intrusive. If your intent was to use the flashback as a means to let us know that Amanda was dead, then I would leave it out. Most would assume she's a spirit, and the ones who didn't think she was dead would make for some lively dialogue about its subjective tone. Clever premise, can't say I've read this before or even saw this premise in a feature, so it might be worth exploring for a bigger project, such as a feature. You had a great beginning, I wanted to keep reading to find out who this little girl is.

Comments Made After the Contest

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 1:16 AM

Thanks for the comments everyone.

It seems only a few people got the actual premise for the story - the Dad is killing any girls who are growing older than Sophie was when she was killed 'fifteen'. He started with her friends as they got older - as said in his dialogue about it making him so angry - but then as they went he moved onto random neighbourhood kids.

I thought at the time of entering this that it could and probably should be longer, but thought I'd get some good ideas from the comments here, which I have. So thanks.