Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I didn't really get the point of it. What was the moral of the story? Maybe don't lie to make other people feel better about themselves. Okay. The writing was smooth and I enjoyed it. Thanks.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Just put the title on the title page, no tag line.

SAMANTHA’S MOM - ON ANSWERING MACHINE
I think once you have established she's on the phone you can just write
SAMANTHA'S MOM
and it's implied that its on the phone. I'm not sure about Samantha's voice on the answering machine. I would just call it
ANSWERING MACHINE
but I'm sure somebody else will post the right answer if that's not it.

You have a lot of typos. You have to be careful because a lot of these are things spellcheck wouldn't catch such as
breaths when it should have been breathes

She looks at the bag.
WAITRESS
You gonna win a girl’s heart with
that?
EVAN
You could say that.

I know why you did this, but it sounds very contrived for the waitress to say that. It's not really an expression and it's just a bad as far as she's concerned. there is nothing about it for her to even think it's for a girl. If you still want to have that line as a little wink to the audience, then you need to give the waitress more of a reason to say that.

Bill Clar (Level 3)

The flashback would work better if it were the opening scene. Establish the two characters and Evan's motivation early on. We need to believe he has a screw loose and you only five pages to do so.

Evan really, really has to have a screw loose to get caught up in the word "love". It would be more plausible if he asked for her number, at the signing, and she playfully gives him a fake number. That could be the catalyst that sets him off.

When Evan lunges at Samantha you go to darkness. If you're not immediately cutting to the next scene than we should hear Samantha screaming. Something to let us know she's in danger.

Brian Howell (Level 4)

This is GOOD. Evan is truly a creepy character, but he lacks some depth. From his introduction looking through binoculars from a car, I could tell he was a creep. If you are able to give me a moment when I think he's a decent guy, then when he turns creepy, it'll really catch me and this would be better.

The other thing I have an issue with is all the talking after he's tied her up. He's a creep. It's more diabolical if he doesn't say anything while he's terrorizing her, but instead meticulously prepares to remove her heart. I also think the first time he tries to meet her wouldn't be the time he does this to her. It works better if he's had another encounter with her when she doesn't remember him. You don't have to show this other meeting, but keep it in mind. Evan can allude to it in cryptic dialogue.

You also don't need to show when she signs the calender, just showing the calender with her signature and note tells us all we need to know.

GOOD job, and a lot of potential.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

Yes, there was a photograph in the story, but I don't think the photograph told us 'a thousand words'.
Well, this Evan is a psycho, chasing every woman in town who calls him affectionately. Makes me hate this criminal.
The story was good in the sense that it holds our attention till the end, it creates a thrill, and we do start hating this evil man 'Evan'. The writer can write well.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

No formatting or grammar errors that I noticed.

I really liked the creepy vibe here. Evan comes across as some harmless dork at first and then ends up being a psychopath. I liked the unpredictability of the character.

The pace was good. The story dark and twisted.

Overall, I enjoyed this and think you did a really nice job on it. One of the best I've read so far.

Nice work! Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

It's a good story but you need to tighten up your writing style to show it off at its best.

Some notes:


The rain continues to poor - pour

No FADE IN: at the beginning and one half way down p 3?

high school kid - should be capitalised. Is this scene a flashback? Please mark it as such so I'm not confused.

CUT TO: - you don't need this - it's obvious as you move from one scene to the next.

INT. SAMATHA’S and I really didn’t mean
too...(should be to) - check your work carefully before submitting!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Come on you're the only person who puts a logline on your title page. :)

I nice little stalker story. I think it worked out great. The flashback really set the tone. I would've like it to be a little more creepy, make the guy a little more unstable. Overall good job.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

I thought this was well-written. It has a good pace and it was easy to follow. I especially like the title and the history behind it.

However, the whole stalker/killer thing feels like it has been done a lot and I was kind of hoping there would be a new twist or angle here.

Still, I did enjoy this and I thought the craft was good as well.

David Birch (Level 5)

i didn't understand your slug INT. APARTMENT SAME - SAME...i would have chosen to slug it INT. SAMANTHA'S APARTMENT - SAME (or CONTINUOUS)...ON ANSWERING MACHINE is usually put in parenthesis (answering machine, filtered) below the character slug...
++++++++++SAMANTHA'S MOTHER
+++++(answering machine, filtered)

...but some nice dialog and visuals...thanks for the read...good luck in the vote

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Normally, I'm with the site consensus on entries with loglines. But in this case I'll have to make an exception. It isn't too specific (As a writer might use to bring clarity to a confusing script) yet it still has me see an entire story, and look forward to reading it.

I'm already chuckling. Evan with binoculars, and the taxi with the girl is right in front of him. (I don't know if you meant it that way, but I also picture the nearby apartment right there too.) Hey, I don't think this is a comedy. I'll read the whole thing before I comment further.

No genre specification on the logline, whoops, guess I was just wanting to laugh.

Well, this isn't too good. There needs to be something more with Evan for me to buy this whole thing. What is it that makes him believe a stock greeting autograph enough to do what he did? It almost comes out of nowhere.

I did get another chuckle with the resolution, although it wasn't really a twist. I guess this was humor after all, darkly of course.

You certainly filled the contest criteria, but I'd need to see Evan's character fleshed out a bit more (also an opportunity for more humor as we see Evan's psychosis). Right now, it feels like a well used formula, but the contents are flat. Dialogue too "on the nose." Give me something I don't expect to hear from the characters. Don't be afraid to let loose. You have the structure and format down fine, keep writing.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A decent story that held my attention to the end. A different take on your typical “stalker” story. Here are a few comments.

(1) The first slug line is CITY STREET. Then in the action the word “street” is mentioned again. Consider instead: “Rain pours on parked cars.”

(2) If you can say the same thing with less words, then do so. Remember, less is usually more. Example: “EVAN (24) scrawny, dorky look guy, sits with binoculars to his face.” Consider instead: “EVAN (24), scrawny, dorky looking, looks through binoculars.

(3) “The rain continues to poor as a taxi…” Poor should be POUR.

(4) Consider introducing SAMANTHA when Evan looks at the picture. So, “He looks down to a picture in his hand of a stunning young brunette in a swimsuit.” Becomes “He looks at a picture of SAMANTHA (22), a stunning brunette in a swimsuit.” Then later, “Samantha pulls off a jacket…”

(5) The CONTD’S for dialogue are not needed in a spec script. If you use Final Draft, you can turn this feature off.

Herman Chow (Level 4)

I enjoyed it very much. Although there seems to be very little happening (a guy is obsessed over a model), the meaning at the end pushed the script one notch above good.

The story flows pretty well, and the flashback works because it gave us information that has a different meaning now.

The answering machine got me. It added suspense, however cheap it is.

Now the ending: it really fits the overall purpose of the script, but I doubt the waitress will ask whether the red bag will win the girl's heart. I hope you can describe the red bag in more detail such that it'll illicit the proper response from the waitress.

Good writing, spotted a couple of typos.

VERY GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Do not write SAME in the headings.

Pour not poor.

The character Evan was well fleshed out and not telling the story chronologically led to
great suspense.

Good story, just needs a bit of formatting work.

Jordan Birch (Level 2)

Rain pours down on a street filled with parked cars, while a decent description, could be better visualized.

Describing Evan as a dork looking guy is vague. To me a dorky looking man is someone with glasses and a bow tie. Enrich your character from the start.

I was engaged in the story, but do indicate a flashback as needed. Such as INT. BOOK STORE - FIVE YEARS EARLIER. This helps the story flow better and the reader will thank you for it.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is pretty twisted.
Flows well. Very engaging.
But what was the picture? The picture with the autograph then. I guess it's pertinent to the story since the writing under it is the key element.
I liked it.
last page - maybe "sweetie"? - I wrote it like "sweety" once but there were no complains though.
I get it he's a serial killer.
It was a bit funny and that's what makes it even better, I think. --the fact that he falls in love with anyone who calls him nice names is kind of funny. The dialog sounds pretty natural too.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific title that meshes perfectly with the story. Might inject more contrast between Evan and Samantha. His "scrawny, dorky" appearance compared to "the brunette swimsuit model" works, but their individual voices could use some distinction. Maybe condense Evan's talking more; his first words of "Hi, Samantha" and "It's me. Your sweetest Evan" are chilling. His next line might simply be, "You never return my calls." The close up of her answering machine with the 15 unheard messages would be perfectly clear. Samantha could ramble more because she's scared.
Perhaps Evan in some sort of disguise at the door would show some deviousness and premeditation too. Little surprised when Samantha opens the door without asking who's there or looking through a peephole; Evan seems to get through her locked door too easily. If he got in a different way, using some sort of disguise, it would instill even more terror, especially if Samantha doesn't see him until it's too late.
A real uneasy feeling reading this story. A few tweaks here and there would make Evan even more creepy.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'm not a fan of loglines on title pages.

Instead of "- SAME", just write "- NIGHT". Takes the same about of work, and ensures that a random glance from my eye keeps me reading forwards. But this "- SAME" thing forced me to go back to the top of the script to figure out if I missed something. You don't want a reader going backwards. I'll figure out from the action and dialogue that all these scenes are connected: trust me.

Evan talks to himself. "It's almost time." Unnecessary. People don't say things like that to themselves. We'll figure out that he's waiting for her. Leave us in suspense. A little suspense is a good thing.

Top of page 3: How does Evan slam through the door? Samantha just locked it.

The ending is appropriately creepy.

Evan seems like such a caricature of a serial killer. He doesn't seem real. We've all seen portraits of these dorky guys who read too much into something because they're unbalanced. To attract people to your project, you need to make Evan different than anyone we've ever seen before: what traits and oddities does this guy possess?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Introduce Samantha when you have him look at the photo. That's the first time we see her.

A small thing... You want 'pour' instead of 'poor.' I didn't notice this until the second read - when I was looking for it.

You can turn off the CONT'D feature in your writing program... or not.

I don't get the "FADE IN:" after he attacks Samantha. What's your reasoning for that?

Okay... I'm getting it. This is a FLASHBACK. The way it's written confused me the first time I read it, too.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean too.." Wrong 'too" here.

"She smiles gives him..." You need a comma after 'smiles.' This is narrative, not dialogue. It wouldn't matter in dialogue.

This was fairly good. It's well-written and the above mentioned are pretty minor. The story is a little flat, though. I'm not feeling any tension. Nothing surprises me here. It's okay.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the idea of this killer being so isolated that he takes these things literally.

"I didn't really mean too..." should be "to".

This was a competent but not incredibly exciting murderer story. There wasn't really anything to surprise me, except for maybe the joke at the end with the heart.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Oh! Creepy! I like!

The premise is not exactly fresh, but it was very well executed.

Very good job!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

It took me a second read to really grasp this but I liked this story. An obsessive and psychotic man looking for love. I thought you did a pretty good job keeping the characters in character.

On the other side of things there was one really glaring typo toward the beginning where you say it poors rain rather than pours rain. Try to avoid things like that especially so early on in your script.

The other issue was the you had a tendency toward overly dramatic and on the nose dialogue in the middle. Things like

"I’ve
been out of town with all my
appearances and photo shoots that I
haven’t been home much and."

Are obviously exposition and out of place because she would never be telling a strange man that.

You did a good job. Smooth out the dialogue and fix the typos and you can have something even better.

Narrative ***
Dialogue **
Character ***
Story ****

3 * out of 5 *

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

This is actually pretty dang good for such a simple premise. I mean, you never really do anything truly original, but you set the tone really well and really let it flow. I liked it absolutely. Kinda surprised me how well you did here, because the beginning was really sloppy with a few typos and weird sentences.

Nicestory, but try to spice things up just a little more. I like the dialogue between evan and her at the bookstore as the origin. Could be tighter.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is a good glimpse into obsession and madness, but these are themes and plot-points that have been done before, so without a new twist or angle on it, it doesn't feel so fresh.

This felt similar to Stephen King's "The Man Who Loved Flowers."

Your screenwriting is very good.

The flashback scene is formatted incorrectly. At first, I didn't know it was a flashback.

Didn't detect any major typos.

You don't need the logline on the title-page.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Well written, good pacing, flowed well. Not really my kind of story, but it fulfilled the requirements of the contest well. Can't really think of what I would change, except maybe have fewer action lines between the lines of dialogue -- a little too much directing there -- though not really distracting.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

Wow this was creepy right to the end. I think it's well written (you have the word poor instead of pour) right on the first page, that jolted me a little at firs, cos spelling is so important, but realized it must have been a typo, because the rest of the story is good.

I enjoyed this, because it has a ring of truism about it. People often do take seriously what stars tell them, and there are a lot of people who stalk celebs.

You could almost feel sorry for Evan. Well until he cut her heart out, which is what I think was in the red bag.

Nice finish, I wondered how you were going to wrap this up, and it worked out really well.

I hope this does well for you.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

That was really good -- the birth of a stalker/serial killer.

Very well written and believable. Good characters. A fun, easy read.

My only comment would be that the end is a little predictable. When he walks in the diner with the red bag, and there's a young brunette waitress, I knew she was toast. Then (of course) when she calls him Sweety, it's all over for her.

Still, I don't know how you could have pulled that off without giving it away at some point, maybe not even show the waitress until the very end when she delivers the crucial line.

Anyway, I enjoyed it a lot.

My score: VERY GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Things like 'Curiously Samantha responds' doesn't belong in a screenplay. Why have that in action rather than just SAMANTHA
(curiously)
Do I know you?

Same with 'He interrupts'. There are technical ways of saying this that saves a lot of space. A '-' at the end of the person being interrupted's dialogue and at the beginning of the interrupter's.

This is a good idea but I don't think you set the tone at the beginning. I was thinking this was going to be a light-hearted comedy for some reason, so when Evan bursts in and tackles her it felt very out of the blue. I think maybe having a slower build up and gradually increasing the pacing would help this.

Overall, good effort but a few technical problems and a hit and miss tone holds it back a little. Would be interested to see what you could do with this in a rewrite.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This had some interesting elements, and while I'm inclined to like a good stalker story, I'm not feeling this. The characters are a little too cliche, and it plays out in such a predictable way. Have a little more fun, inject some dark humor maybe or at least more suspense, lose the mom on the phone and show more interaction between Evan & Sam. The dialog was too OTN for my liking and the flashback wasn't working for me either, pulled me out of the moment. It's enough he had the calendar we don't need to see her sign it.

Suggestion: Get rid the the LY adverbs and find better verbs.

Taylor Roberts (Level 2)

I'm not sure if I personally like the type of story that you told, but that said, it was well told. It was uncomfortable and did create a surprising sense of dread (especially for using only five pages). I liked the flashback sequence and where you placed it in the story. I felt it really added to the suspense and created a good transition, especially with the mom leaving the message on the machine during the break in. The beginning had a nice bit of Brian DePalma-esque voyeurism, which was refreshing. Overall, since this isn't the type of story that I personally gravitate towards, there is a lot of great stuff here. Good job.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I like the concept of your story, but I think you still need to do some work for the narration to be really effective.

Let me give you some quick notes as reread yor script.

You start with:
"EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Rain pours down on a street filled with parked cars."
I don't think you need to mention street twice. I think you could simply say:
"EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Rain pours down on parked cars."

I don't think you need Evan's first dialogue.

I believe that your introduction of Samantha should be done when we first see her, darting off the cab.

"Curiously Samantha responds." Does this mean that it is courious that she responds, that she respons in a curious way, or that she feel curiosity when she responds?
Personally, I'm not a great fan of adverbs. In this particular case, I believe "curiously" harms the reading more than helps it. But also, I don't think you even need the sentence if what it only does is only inform the reader of what her dialogue will say right after. Why to say it twice, right?

I find a littl hard to believe what comes next. I would think that Samantha would realize that Evan is out of wack quicker and react in the appropriate way... calling the police of something like that.

The RING then is pretty good and her reaction, too. Hitchcock style, well done.

The scene that you introduce in pagae three with a FADE IN: is a flashback. Flashbacks are to be formated in a certain way. I suggest that you get a book on format and give it a read.

From a story point, I'm not that sure this scene works.
Samantha is younger than Evan. Still, he seem to act as a kid and she more as a woman than their respectives ages represent. Also, she's signing in a bookstore? Is she a writer? Why is she signing swimsuit photographs? I've never heard of a model signing photos in a bookstore.

Writers not usually have to write that one of their characters interrupts the speech of another thanks to --

SAMANTHA
But I thought that you --

EVAN
I don't want to heart it!

Just like that.

I like the end, although the dialogue seems a bit weak.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

This was a good effort, I found that the story was much stronger than the actual writing though. I'd suggest not putting a logline on your title page by the way.

You have a number of things in your script that could be worded better, or even left out altogether. For example, on page one you have 'curiously Samantha responds'. It sounds awkward but it's also unneccesary because we see she responds because she has dialogue, and the words she says indicates she doesn't know him. So your description is redundant. You're also better off stating there is a knock at the door, and that the phone rings, instead of KNOCK KNOCK and RING. And instead of saying they are on the answering machine in the dialogue box, I think it'd be better to have just their names and then (V.O.)

You don't need the Fade In on page 3. The part with the waitress was a bit strange. I can't imagine a waitress asking a guy if he was going to win a girl's heart with a red bag. I mean that doesn't even make sense to me, and it's clear you have it their for convenience sake and to help your plot, even though it doesn't ring true. Is he supposed to have Sam's heart in the bag?

Overall I liked the idea of your story, it's a good effort but could do with some tightening up.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Some technical issues: no need for this: "home much and...
He interrupts."
Replace the elipses with dashes and have Ethan's dialogue break Samantha's and we'll know that he just interrupted her.
typos:
INT. APARTMENT SAME - SAME (two sames)
Sam "breaths" a sigh of relief (should be "breathes")
I would also cut out the "Fade In" in the middle of the story, but that's not as big an issue.

You have a creepy, yet relateable character that may actually be fun to watch in a feature, depending on how creative the rest of the elements of the story can be. There are people out there like this, so the reality of the character would be more frightening to me than a fantasy horror character.

Comments Made After the Contest

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 4:31 PM

Thanks for the comments...Got it no more loglines on the title page :) And thanks for the ideas to crituque my story. Sadly this is the best I have done(ratings wise) to date so I plan on doing a re-write to give it some more depth.

Damn these typos...get me every time :) - I re-read this thing like 10 times!!!!

Thanks,
Rich