Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

You have a lot of typos. Also a lot of words in the wrong tense. You have to be careful with those because a lot of spellchecks won't detect those, unless you also have grammarcheck.

It's really obvious that the teen prostitute is going to turn out to be the guy's daughter. You need a little misdirection here to make the reveal effective.
this line in particular is a dead giveaway

JOHN
Come on, it’s not about us anymore.
I just want to see my kids. I have
the right to see them!
MARY
You’re not seeing them.
Mary pushes John out and SLAMS the door.
EXT. SMALL HOUSE PORCH -NIGHT
JOHN
Come on, at least let me see their
picture!

you are saying right there that he doesn't know what his own kids look like.
Also, you should establish a reason why he hasn't seen them. Was he in prision? the military? Because if he doesn't have extenuating circumstances keeping his away from the kids, it's kinda odd that he wants to see them so badly now when he hasn't cared about it in so many years that he can't even recognize them.

Bill Clar (Level 3)

There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors. Too many to count. They pulled me out of the story more than once.

"Deep, wet voice". "Fresh fish". Your choice of adjectives and slang is colorful, but reads as silly. It contrasts your dark tone and subject matter.

When John wakes up in the morning, where is the teenage girl? Is she still in bed or did she leave?

Your story is good, but it might work better as 10 or more pages. Reason being, is that John's character needs a little more depth. Tell us why he hasn't ever seen his kids. Why now, is he on Mary's doorstep.

Brian Howell (Level 4)

This is a FAIR for me. I wasn't surprised at the end. Too much set-up with the cryptic dialogue and the drama between the man and his ex. The concept you're tackling is a good one, but the pages didn't really do it justice. A lot of the script is this guy driving and talking to a guy on the phone. I think there should be more action in this. I don't actually need to see the full sex scene but this is really you're only chance to really show me the depravity of this man. Some how give us glimpses into what he does to this girl - hell, show it if you want, but give me more than her walking into the hotel room. He ties her up or gives her a costume to wear, something.

Another knock on this is word choices that are slightly wrong for varying reasons and/or typos etc.

So this is fair, but again, the idea is very interesting to me.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

I tried answering the questions, in what way the photograph is an integral part of the story? In what way the photograph tells 'a thousand words'.
Then we come to the 'unintentional' incest. Why should the girl need to sleep with an stranger? There is no mention that money was paid. There is no mention that girl is precocious. No, I think the writer should revise the story.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Passive writing right off the bat. Eliminate the word 'is' from your descriptions entirely and replace with more active verbs.

What does a deep, wet voice sound like? Does he have a deep voice and a mouth full of water or something?

This could be tightened up a lot. Also, make sure to proofread your work because there are a lot of little typos in here that could have been avoided with a good readthrough.

The dialogue didn't ring true for me. Sounded too rigid. The twist ending was pretty predictable, but also not remotely believable. If he had 2 kids and the teen girl is the oldest, it stands to reason he knew her for the first several years of her life. I would think he'd probably recognize her the instant he saw her.

I don't know... Technically speaking, this one needs a lot of polish, but the story didn't work for me at all either.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

mid 40, early 40 - mid 40s, early 40s

is arguing - argues - use Present Simple not Present Continuous

you haven’t change - you haven’t changed

INT. CAR - NIGHT
I really admire you writing this script but it would be good to get someone to correct your English to avoid easily fixed mistakes. I started to correct but honestly it would take me a very long time...

John is driving the car - John drives. You already said it was a car,

John CELLPHONE suddenly rings - John's CELLPHONE suddenly rings.

He reaches his cellphone and take a glance look on who’s calling him - really you don't need to detail everything he does. If he answers the phone it's obvious he's reached out and glanced at it.

with deep wet voice? Uh?

That's it - I've had enough correcting!

It's a great story with a dark, uncomfortable twist. It just needs more polished language.

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

Love the title.
The grammar and misspellings really detract from your screenplay, really need to clean those up.

Ok, so you are really twisted, but I like the double-edge of this story. You do a good job of setting it all up and making it interesting -- until the final page.

As soon as Mary calls, the cat is out of the bag - I immediately thought - "it's his daughter". Knowing that, the whole meeting in the park thing is just a slow descent to where you know it's going to end.

I think you should replace the final page. Something like having the girl leave very late then Mary call because their daughter was out all nigh and Mary has rethought her needing a father figure. Then John could decline to Mary's surprise, saying he's re-thought it too and the kids are better off without him.

An ending like this leaves the audience wondering - did John decline because he suspects it might have been his own daughter or because he is disgusted with himself or both? Adds intrigue and makes the story a little less creepy as the audience can decide for itself what it thinks happened.

Just a suggestion. Needs some work, but not bad.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- The person is arguing, then write it as we see it. Lady argues with other Lady.
- What the hell is a deep wet voice, sounds gross.
- Yaiks? or yikes?
- I haven't USED it myself
- Slept WITH
This could use some editing and clean up the passive voice. You should also look for opportunities to trim and compress your writing. I saw the end coming at the right moment. Ewww creepy.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

Too many grammar errors - so many, that it is distracting and really makes it hard to enjoy the story.

As for the story, the ending was dark, but I'm not sure very believable. It felt like a twist for the sake of having a twist.

David Birch (Level 5)

there are some grammatical and formatting errors that i should mention...pg. john('s) car...voice over goes to the right of the character slug - not underneath - RICKY (V.O.)...i would suggest slugging a phone conversation (when on person speaking will not be seen) by doing something like this:

+++++RICKY'S VOICE
(filtered)

..."filtered" indicates his voice is coming through the phone...

hope this helps...good luck in the vote....

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This wasn’t an original story… I knew the ending by page four. And the writer needs to work on basic writing. Here are some notes:

Be careful to avoid “on the nose” dialogue, and listen to how people speak and write that way. You don’t want dialogue to feel stilted. Example: “Come on, it’s not about us anymore. I just want to see my kids. I have the right to see them.” Consider instead: “I want to seem my kids. I have a right.”

“Mary doesn’t answer.” Don’t tell us what she doesn’t do. If you want to tell us what is there (SILENCE or QUIET), that is fine. But if you don’t write any dialogue, we know she doesn’t answer.

If you can say the same thing with less words, then do so. Example: “john is driving the car. John CELLPHONE suddenly rings. He reaches his cellphone and takes a glance look on who’s calling him.” Consider instead: “While John drives, he CELLPHONE rings. He glances at the caller I.D.”

Herman Chow (Level 4)

I kinda saw the twist coming when the wife called to let John see his kids, fortunately the payoff came soon enough that it didn't feel predictable.

However, there are problems with your writing, the story, and its structure. I thought John knew who his kids were all along. I mean, his kids are teenagers. How can he not know how they look like? Are you saying that John left them when his kids were still babies? If so, you gotta allude that to us. It just came off as something unbelievable.

It'd be better if John meets Ricky face-to-face, because a phone conversation is not a visual audience would like to see. Meeting face-to-face allow us to know something more about Ricky as well, instead of just a plot device.

And about the character John. He's our protagonist and we're suppose to feel what he feels. But then he seems like a jerk to me. Trying to see his kids at one instance, and then sleeping with another woman the next moment. I just don't think the story works logically and emotionally.

Try to write more actively, tell us something more about the characters and not just their age, check for spelling and grammar.

Sorry if I sound harsh and got so much negativity here.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 4)

There are two main issues,
1) There were a lot of grammatical errors in this script which made it hard to get lost in the story
2) The main character is sleeping with underage girls but this topic and the "surprise" at the end is written on a superficial level. It is all used to set up the ending. I feel like there needs to be a more in-depth exploration of some part that acknowledges the horror of the subject matter. I also don't care about the main character and what happens to him because of what he is doing. So, the script boils down to just a set up for a surprise ending.

Since the story really wasn't about underage prositution per se, I think you could have done this story without someone being underage. Maybe an older person is searching for a child they gave up in the past, maybe they frequent a certain prostitute who he confides in, etc. I think you have the makings of an interesting story; I think you could get rid of the underage part of it and still get to the same place.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The twist to this tale was not hidden at all, at least for me. The dialogue was lacking subtext, and that would have helped to make the surprise into an actual surprise. Dialogue, in general, was suffering throughout the entire script. The script started off with a clichéd scene and didn’t really go anywhere else beyond that point. The ending was equally clichéd: leaves rustling in the wind over an uncomfortable silence. Because of all this I feel the script doesn’t work out for me. The whole thing was supposed to end with a shock, but I actually saw it all coming from the moment he had the conversation with Ricky.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think that you could get rid of "I have a right to see them" on the first page since it's clear what he wants in two sentences. Also, you could rephrase "you are not seeing them" - since he already used almost the same phrase.

The twist is a bit predictable. I was hoping that wouldn't be the twist actually. Maybe you could have his disorganized life at the beginning and let us know that he's not a serious man, then you could bring up the twist and then show his moral struggle and show him deciding to stop this kind of life. - just a suggestion - might be too condenced for a five pager. It's just this twist doesn't' have any surprise for me.

The script is straight forward and an easy read. There are quite a few typos throughout but still I thought it was quite neat.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good idea for a moving story about a father losing his kids. Unfortunately, the father gets sidetracked with disasterous results.There is a lot of talking, much of it chit-chat. John and Ricky's conversation in the car over John's cell phone doesn't add substantially to the story. Seems they mostly exchange pleasantries, until Ricky gets around to his offer. Characters could use some distinction; don't know anything about John and Mary except their ages (mid 40s and early 40s). Maybe spice up the locations a bit. The porch of a house, road, car, hotel room and park have visual potential but they need to be described. Add some color.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

First line: John is arguing. We'll figure that out in the dialogue. Use that precious opening action line to tell us something ABOUT the characters, instead of telling us what we're about to see.

There are a lot of scattered misspellings and grammar issues. I highly encourage you to get someone else to proofread your material before you submit to contests.

Good job with the off-kilter dialogue about the fish.

Nothing really happens between the time that John sees the girl's picture and when the girl actually comes into the room. How about cutting that needless stuff and transitioning straight from the picture of the girl into the girl herself? From fantasy to reality in one cut.

The twist at the end was predictable once we couldn't see the faces of the teenagers. It's still chilling, nonetheless, because this type of thing is reported to happen every now and again.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

There were a number of typos that made this a hard read for me. Your action is also vague and doesn't engage the reader - I would recommend getting a little more descriptive and colorful with your language. Also, watch your use of the passive tense, which popped up a few times.

Grammar aside, I had a hard time connecting with the story. The piece seemed to lack direction, with most events happening to characters rather than having choices be made. The sole exception is John deciding to see the girl, but this is a wasted opportunity because we don't see him struggle to resist (since it seems that's what it will take to see his kids). He just gives in to his desires without a fight - so why should I identify, root or be interested in him?

Your dialogue didn't sound very natural and much of it was repetitive - for ex. you could cut out half the conversation with Rick because John is just reiterating what we just witnessed.

I didn't understand why Mary would invite John somewhere out of the blue only 15 minutes before he was supposed to be there, but the bigger issue is that the twist has no resonance. Neither of the characters is fleshed out enough for this to land with any impact for us, but besides that, what is the point? It feels like a twist just for the sake of having a twist. If you could have gone past this and examined its impact (i.e. how it affects John) then maybe you could sell it, but there might not be room for that here. As it is, it feels like a jumping off point of something larger rather than the conclusion to a stand alone short.

Lucy Fazely (Level 1)

The author did a good job in making the picture an integral part of the plot. The story, although disturbing, is interesting and fresh.
Early on this reader was confused as to how long the couple had been separated, assuming it had just been a recent separation - which made the line about seeing their picture out of place.
The structure and format are mostly correct. There's plenty of white space on the pages and other than Ricky's dialogue there were no long blocks of dialogue or narrative.
This reader assumed the author's second language is English, due to the spelling/grammar issues mostly related to verbs - but they were not marked down for it.
Is the son necessary? Right now he only serves to make the reader question if he is a twin to the teenage girl, or a different age. If the children are different ages, then the couple was together for years and paternity probably wasn't an issue. Really drive home that paternity is questioned on his part, although the mother is positive he's the father - as well as that they had only a brief affair that was ruined by his lifestyle.
Right now there is no real growth to John's character. Perhaps after he sees a picture of his daughter, he has to confront his lifestyle when faced with a 'fresh fish' that looks very similar to her.
Over all good effort and an enjoyable read.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I have to admit that I had this figured out before very long. I think you should have made it more clear in the beginning that he hadn't seen his children in years, though.

You need to work on your possessive pronouns and other words ending in "s." "John's cellphone..." "John's room." "John cannot sees..." Etc.

The story is pretty good, but I think it would benefit from more room. Expand this into something longer. Lead us into the father wanting to see the children he hasn't seen for years. Trick us into thinking he's being sent something besides a young girl. Draw the end out... This could be really good.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There are a lot of grammar mistakes. For example, this sentence, "John CELLPHONE suddenly rings. He reaches his cellphone and take a glance look on who’s calling him" is riddled with errors. I could point out every one, but there are a lot.

It turns out to be his daughter. That's a great twist, but I did see it coming, probably because there are several urban legends along the same lines that have the same ending.

You have a good story here but it needs some work to shine through.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

The Old Boy approach, eh? Good story and your grasp of English is good too. I think the problem with this story though is that it's too predictable. I knew on the second page what was going to happen. Without that surprise it really doesn't make much sense to approach it the way you did.

Perhaps forget the opening with him and his wife. You can explain that later, just before they meet. Perhaps, he could even explain about his wife and his daughter while with the teenager, it would be good to include a bit of her character. If she doesn't suspect maybe the reader won't as well.

Narrative ***
Dialogue ***
Character ***
Story **

3 * out of 5 *

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Yeah. Puh-leeeeze. Saw that coming a mile away. Full of typos and grammatical errors. Story idea cliched. This subject has been done TO DEATH!! The dialog was alright, I suppose (considering the errors). Nothing else to say. Sorry, it just wasn't good.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 3)

There were grammatical errors that ran throughout your story. Some instances involved adding an extra letter, and some instances involved forgetting a word entirely.

For example, "...reveals that the Teenage Girl is the same girl that John slept last night." It should read, "...the same girl that John slept with last night."

Also, your story is very predictable. When Ricky said he had info about some "fresh fish," I knew where this was headed. That's not to say there's anything wrong with the story. It just wasn't as shocking to me having known the ending halfway through the script.

I think you've captured the "slimy" characteristics of Ricky very well. He definitely reads like a person you don't want to have anything to do with. Knowing that John has this kind of relationship with him, makes you glad that he's not around his kids often. Good job with the characters.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

I feel like you are kind of new to this game, loads of typos. Still an interesting concept though, kinda sick, but interesting.

But you know, and you will get this alot, it's kind of obvious from the moment he asks for a picture of the girl. All tension is lost because we know where this is going to lead to. You need to give us some misdirection or some double meanings here, perhaps even a few extra scenes to sway our attention away from the pictures.

I really like the 'reveal' sentences, haha it's so tacky it works.

Nice effort, but needs a little more proper format and story.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate your attempt at the twist-shock-ending, but it forces our limits of credulity. First, it's not clearly established that the length of time in which John has not seen his kids is so long that he wouldn't recognize them and vice-versa. Second, even if it was established, the Teenage Girl has never seen a photo of her father and have some idea what he looks like?

Intercut telephone conversations to keep the script as visual as possible. Phone calls are generally a frowned upon ploy in exposing plot information anyhow.

Your screenwriting is nice and tight, but lose most of the "is," ares," and words ending in "ing" to keep your narrative as active as possible.

Format overall is fine, only (V.O.) is placed next to the character's name, not as a parenthetical (wrylie).

There are many typos throughout.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

I thought you did a good job of following the assignment and using the picture. It was intregal to the plot. I wasn't expecting the twist until the last page, and then the penny dropped.

I didn't get the part where they were talking about the 'fish' I suppose that was some sort of code.

I lost all respect and sympathy for John, when he had sex with a minor. And then to find out she was his own daughter, ew. That was too much for me.

I'm not sure what the message of the film is, or how I'm supposed to feel after reading it, but I just felt grossed out, basically.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This definitely gets some big points for shock value.

The story is pretty well put together, too, but I did kinda guess the ending as soon as Mary's phone call wakes him up. And then, of course, it's a dead giveaway when "John cannot see their faces". But it would have been better if you could have taken us all the way to the moment of the big reveal without giving it away.

But, it's not a big deal. It worked anyway.

The biggest detractor in the script (in my opinion) doesn't have anything to do with the story, though -- it's all the errors in grammar and word usage. There are a lot! So many, in fact, that I suspect that English may not be the screenwriter's primary language. If that's true, then I commend you for completing a screenplay in your secomdary language. That's quite an accomplishment. (I don't even HAVE a secondary language.) But it puts an additional burden on your shoulders -- you have to find a way to fix the grammar problems before you send the script out to be read. Otherwise, it comes across as unprofessional. People here on MoviePoet will forgive you for that, but people out in the "real world" probably won't. My suggestion: get someone to proofread for you.

One other comment -- the title's kinda dull.

Nevertheless, I really enjoyed the script.

My score: VERY GOOD.

Sean Chipman (Level 3)

This script has an air of being put through a translator, in parts. Every time something should be shown with posession (i.e. John's cell phone or when an age is brought up), there's no "'s". Another thing is that cell phone is written as one word every time. It's actually two words, but it's not really a big deal.

The story itself is fine and as it was going along, I was trying to figure out where you were headed with it. Definitely an odd ending, considering the rest of the script, but it makes sense in the overall-ness of the story.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Tough sell with your protagonist being a paedophile. I thought there was going to be a comedic twist to this and the "fish" Ricky was talking about was really going to be a fish. It was just so sleazy how they talked that I thought there must be something else going on.

It felt contrived from the line "At least let me see their picture". You've said it's his wife. Yet he's never seen his teenage kids? Never had a picture of them?

This felt far too flippant for what could, in essence, be quite a disturbing story. I think it would work better having the daughter as the protagonist. This would need a lot of changes though and a lot of work.

Quite a few grammatical errors too that makes me think you didn't proof-read before entering.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Good premise, timely subject matter, it got creepy & weird which I like. Nice twist at the end, you sick puppy.

I suggest: Lose the passive verbs (is) and adverbs (ly) - say in present tense and find better verbs.

I also suggest editing the dialog & spend more time in the hotel room with John & the girl -- and consider that it would make the ending even more shocking if they had more than a one night stand.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I find this awkward:

"Mary pushes John out and SLAMS the door.
EXT. SMALL HOUSE PORCH -NIGHT
JOHN
Come on, at least let me see their
picture!"

The theory is that you shouldn't have a character speaking right after a scene heading -I don't know if it's true, but I've been criticized for doing so.
An elegant and easy way to solve the proble could be:

"Mary pushes John out into the
PORCH
and SLAMS the door.
JOHN
Come on, at least let me see their
picture!"

Also, we are not supposed to write what does NOT happen on screen - only what does happen.
So, "Mary doesn’t answer" would be more effective as "Mary reamins silent,' or some variation of that.

Remember to use active writing. "John is driving the car" works better as "John drives the car."

Then, on the phone, the readers don't see Ricky. I think you can't skip any reference to him until he's on screen. I mean, you can describe a deep voice, but other than that, we already know he's on the other end of the line -John just told us. Also, the V.O. goes in line with the charater's name.

There are what I would consider to be a number of other issues with the mechanics of the scripts, but I'm afraid it would take me too long to go in detail -and I am not that sure that you may actually want me to do it. In any case, I would recommend you to study more screenwriting.

Regarding the story, I personally have an issue with believability: I can't believe that John would not recognize his daughter. At the beginning, you have Mary saying that "in all these years" John hasn't changed a bit. But how many years are those? All of his daughter's life? Where has he been? And then, after all these years, he has the urge to see his kids, but not before now? And how come Mary knows how to find him?

I'm sure that you can answer all the questions, and I'm sure the answers sound well to you. But I can't envision a situation were this story would ring true.

Suggestions, maybe you could do a different protrait of John. Maybe you could give us some backstory, like he was a heavy duty alcoholic gambler and shortly ago he saw the light, or something like that.

The your story stands, I'm afraid I can't give you many points.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

Well this one was not good at all, sorry to say. Huge amount of mistakes, typos and formatting errors. I'm guessing that English is not your first language.

How is John and Mary early 40? Do you mean early 40s? If she is his ex why do you say that she is his wife? How is it that he has never seen his kids before? If he knows where they live surely he would have gone around and seen them at some point, it's not like she has them kept in a prison. So the ridiculousness of your premise really detracts from the story here and it makes no sense whatsoever. Plus the fact that after 15 or so years she all of a sudden lets him see his kids after denying him all this time is not believable. Sorry but this doesn't work on any level. Also read some screenplays to check proper formatting eg. how to use voice overs properly.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The ending was unexpected, but not in a good way. It was unexpected because it doesn't make sense: You introduce Mary as John's "wife", meaning they're married. If they're married, then there needs to be an explanation as to why he doesn't recognize his children. Perhaps he was in prison from the time the kids were babies and his wife didn't keep him updated with photos. Or maybe she should be his ex-wife and she has a good reason, (the fact that he is a pedophile would be a good reason to keep them away from him). John is not likeable, so I was left satisfied that he had a bad ending, however his teenaged daughter is a prostitute or is part of a child sex slave ring, and her life just got even more messed up; so I don't feel good about that. The story is contrived to support a supposedly shocking reveal, but it falls short logically. For future stories, check with friends to proof-read your work, that way I can get lost in the story and not be pulled off the path by the incorrect grammar.

Comments Made After the Contest

Katie Adair (Level 1) ~ 7/15/2010 4:41 PM

Alright, well I don't think it was bad but because it had to be short, I think, well you didn't use it to your fullest. I would have liked the phone conversation to have shortened and his actual conversation with Mary to have lasted longer. (The one at the house.)

Bambang Yudianto (Level 2) ~ 7/20/2010 11:01 PM

Thanks for the comment, everyone. As always, I'll copy paste them for future reference :)

@Katie: The structure is probably not that bad, but the other aspects are just .... T_T