Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

It's always fun to see a jerk not get what he/she wants, so I found the story to be satisfying in that way.

I would like more explanation for the mystical element, and I'm actually wondering if your story needs it. I think you could get as interesting a short with the photo just being a photo and the characters using it to source into their deeper feelings. If it is going to show them something magic, I think you may need to at least hint at how that is happening.

Brian Howell (Level 4)

There are some typos that distracted me. PIER, not peir, for instance. I'm having a tough time with this one. On the one hand there's this element of the abstract (the photo changing) that I like. I also like Olya saying no and standing her ground, but would she do the same if Gary wasn't interested in her? On the other hand the element of inplausibility with him jumping in the ocean and finding the ring seems. Out of place. It doesn't fit in as being abstract, it sort of just comes off as being forced.

So, I'm voting this as GOOD.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

Wonderfully written. The story is enticing and there is a charisma in the story. I congratulate the writer for such a creative imagination and writing ability. This story can be expanded into a 26 minutes TV short film. Try it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well. Olya's broken English was almost instantly annoying to try to decipher.

The story was interesting. Somewhat similar to another script in this contest with the photograph foretelling the future. Luther's proposal came out of nowhere and wasn't remotely believable. I don't know of anyone that would willingly treat their gal like shit just moments before they planned to propose. Even if Luther is a dick all the time, I would think he'd try to be kind on the day he plans to propose. That being said, he didn't strike me as the type to propose at all. Being the asshole that he is, he'd more than likely just use Olya until he no longer desires her and then send her packing. I don't see any benefit in marrying her for him and without a motive for doing it, it just felt forced.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

I like this story - you managed to convey the characters nicely in the few pages at your disposal. I wasn't quite sure about Olya's speech - was it too stereotypical?

I wasn't sure of the significance of the roller coaster. It seemed important - but why?

A few notes:

(excited)(monotone) (re: toy)(looks around) (to self)(nervous)- overuse of paretheticals - make it obvious in dialogue or action - or give your actors the liberty to act!

A picture’s worth a thousand words.
A dollar per vowel is not absurd.
But for you, my dear, let it be heard.
I’ll take your photo for five bucks. - strange last line for this rhyme?

?! - punctuation like this is for Facebook or blogs!

peir - pier

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

Fun story, well written. Seems a little predictable or as though I've seen it before, but still, not bad.

The characters are a bit too stereotypical - Beautiful Russian girl with the accent, Luther the total American pig, Gary the knight in shining armor good guy but not very successful. Think you should mix it up some and make the characters more interesting and unpredictable.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

I liked this a lot and I think your story has a ton of potential.

First, I loved the characters and the dialogue. There was tension in every scene and moment. However, I don't think you need the photo to show different images. Just the one is fine. Also, I don't think you need to end up with Olya and Gary together - it feels a bit fast and a little forced. A short can be more open-ended then that.

Still, there are wonderful moments here and you do a great job of capturing these characters.

David Birch (Level 5)

when you write an accent into a character, you usually lighten up as the story goes along...it's not necessary to keep hammering the reader with it throughout the piece...most readers will just find it annoying...state the accent...irish, italian, russian...whatever...the story seemed to lack motivation for the characters...why was he choosing to propose now?...was there any special significance to them being on the santa monica pier?...he's going to marry her, but he's not sure that she's from russia?...that seems a little far fetched...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

That was a quick read, easy formatting, the story progressed methodically. No surprises for this reader. Good job, and Olya's character was somewhat compelling.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Cute story that brought a smile to my face. Just a couple of comments. First, the CONT’Ds for dialogue are not needed in a spec script. If you are using Final Draft, this feature can be turned off. And secondly, I found one misspelled word. On page 3 PEIR should be PIER.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 3)

An intriguing storyline, well written with a nice twist at the end. The magic picture from the Jester was a nice touch. Good dialogue differentiation between the actors. I wouldn't change a thing.

Herman Chow (Level 4)

Although I should have caught on that Olya is a Russian name, I was wondering the entire time why she spoke like that...fragmented English. It would be better to state that she's Russian when you introduce her in the first paragraph.

You illustrated Luther and Olya quite well, especially during the pins-throwing game. Luther the filthy rich guy who thinks he can buy anything with money, and he's determined to get what he wants. I could also tell Olya was just a girl he picked up somewhere just for her beauty.

The story is okay. This being the second script I read about a picture that foretells the future, so the originality does go down a bit. Olya's dialogue after seeing the picture: "I not happy?" is not needed. We can tell by her expression.

I also don't understand her fear of roller coaster. How does that come into play with the overall story? And why did she overcome her fear when she talked to Gary at the end?

However, writing is good and crisp. Format is right on.

GOOD.

Jayaram Sanaran (Level 2)

It was all a bit predictable i thought... although nothing special to this script(i don't mean that in a bad way) it was executed well... A photograph showing the future state of the photographed was not completely new but it made good use of the contest line. During the first few lines, it was quite evident that Luther was the jerk and when the other guy smiles at Oyla it becomes quite clear that he would re appear towards the end ! It was quite an enjoyable one though.... Th dialogues were smooth and natural ! good job !

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good story. Clear beginning, middle and end. I got complete closure and wasn't left with any unanswered questions. I do think you can make it even better by adding more description.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Level 4)

A smirk is when someone is being being rude towards you. If he smirked at Luther that would be understandable. Olya wouldn't be flattered if Gary smirked at her.

People in Armani suits don't drink beer. He needs a Martini. Or a Cosmo.

I knew they were going to end up together.

Why would a person like Luther be at a fair? And he was so evil. I didn't really like that. I wish we knew if the clown was some sort of Angel or was it just a special camera.

But this was a solid story. Great writing. The Dialogue was on point. I just wish the story gave us a little more and that Luther wasn't pure evil.

I'll give this a good.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I liked the idea, but the characters felt too cartoonish and unrealistic. The jester was great, it would have been nice to see him a bit more, maybe popping in at the beginning so it's not so unexpected, and at the end to give it a little more closure.

Overall, very entertaining and unique.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

So, the snapshot is magical or the jester was a magician?

I liked the rhyming. And the word "pizdets" - and I know what it means:) - that was very funny.

"me afraid" - this sounds debilitating a bit. she would say "I scared" or better yet "I scary". though the fact that she points at the roller coaster and say I'm scared in a way the two year old would just doesn't sit right. I know she can't talk properly but still...

Other than that, I liked it. It was very funny and to the point. Are you planning to produce it?

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Some funny material. Luther apparently not the smartest guy. Olya's dialogue is unique, although her appearance is rather stereotypical. The Jester character is funny. Not sure why the initial photo suddenly shows Luther with a lot of cash and Olya "covered in jewelry." Luther jumping into the ocean and recovering the ring in its box is a funny visual; but, in the photo that floats by him, Olya standing with Gary and wearing "a tiny wedding ring" isn't clear. They couldn't have had time to get married. If it's a built-in frame in the camera, it might not be relevant to the story. Believe "peir" should be "pier."

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The characters here seem more like caricatures.

Luther jumping into the ocean to retrieve his ring is overboard: if he was really that rich he wouldn't actually care, right? He'd just buy another, better one. And, if he's so certain that Olya won't stay beautiful for long, why is he so anxious to marry her (he clearly isn't interested in her personality)?

Gary actually leaves his booth (a carnie no-no) to obey the rigors of the script and intervene in a situation which he'd probably usually leave alone. I mean, there's no altercation. Luther was presumably still down on one knee when Gary left his booth. The situation is obvious to an outsider, so why is Gary getting in the middle of it?

Olya with her fabled Russian beauty, broken accent, and need for a marriage.

Since the characters didn't sell me on the script, it was hard to feel for them. The device of the changing picture was nicely done, though.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

There were so many grammar errors and typos in the opening lines of your script that it set a very low bar. Once you have a reader invested in your script you can get away with some, but at the beginning eyes are more critical. As a general rule, don't misspell your intro slugline (Peir = Pier).

P1 - 'Olya stops.' Olya stops what? Holding his hand? Be more specific.

I think you could better set up Olya as the protagonist of the story - as it is, I gravitated towards Luther but quickly grew to hate him. Even something as simple as who gets introduced first makes a difference.

Olya's dialogue didn't sound realistic, even for a non english speaker - more like a charicature. I also found it a bit unbelievable that Gary went out of his way to intervene - their argument seemed pretty normal when they were around him (she didn't appear to be in any danger, etc.).

You did pick a good moment to end on, and your use of the contest parameters was nice, but overall the craft just wasn't there. I think you could place us more with Olya, get us to sympathize with her, etc. and do a better job of making your story more active - Olya seems to be the protagonist but she is relegated to a reactionary role here. Given her situation that's understandable, but it may help to even find small ways where she can do more during the script.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I had a bit of deja vu reading this, It reminds me of two other scripts I've read this month... In different ways, though.

"PEIR" is spelled "PIER."

You can turn off the CONT'D feature of your writing program. It isn't necessary anymore.

Stick to DAY or NIGHT in scene headings. It really doesn't matter in the production of shorts, I know, but it does in features.

On page 3 - You use the word "glaring" to describe the way Olya is looking at the horizon. Is that what you really want, though? I'm seeing anger and disdain here.

On page 4 - Luther's proposal dialogue isn't paced very well. Some ellipses or a dash might help.

The title is okay, but a little bland. The story is good.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the mystical, sinister carnival. It works very well to allow this magical event to happen and still be believable.

"or wherever the fuck your from?!" should be "you're", and "you're blonde ass" should be "your".

I liked the ending. It worked out well. The device of the photo that shows the future is pretty common, but I like how you use it here.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This tale has a nice message, and I liked the photo's role in the story.

My only grip is that the message felt a bit heavy handed. That's mainly because I didn't buy Luther's character. He was so unbelievably mean that it became apparent that he was just there to serve the plot.

It seemed to me that Olya didn't even need to see that photo in order to realize that this wasn't the guy for her.

I would suggest making Luther less of a prick. Be more subtle.

Matthew Fettig (Level 4)

The title is drab and unoriginal for the contest.

On the positive side, I think you have interesting characters and you've put them in an interesting situation.

I find the story hard to believe however. Unfortunately it may be perfectly common for such boorish behavior from a guy like Luther, but the whole thing is a little hard to swallow.

I'm not sure if the Armani suit was supposed to indicate that Luther has a great deal of money. If so, I'm left wondering too much about him. Is he a drug dealer or some other kind of criminal? I don't get any sense that he is a type of person who deserves respect. So that makes the outcome of the story a too predictable. Luther is an ass, Olya is a foreigner who can't communicate, and a good guy comes to the rescue at the end. And you ending relies on a Polaroid photo that magically survives in the ocean.

On the craft, your first and second lines confused me - "...a blonde and sparkly dressed.." makes it sound as though Olya is dressed in blonde. It's just awkward. Then you tell us that Olya stops, but I had no idea she was moving.

A few places you tell us how people feel or think, but don't show us. Only write what we can see - He's determined - Luther, distracted... - Olya's flattered - the beautiful and dark horizon - etc... For these ideas to work, tell us what we see.

A few places you used words that didn't seem to fit - smirk and glare. Both have negative connotations and you used them in a positive way which made them feel out of place.

The pace was good, the conflict was good (but predictable), so the ending was no real surprise. Overall I thought it was ok.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

What a cute story you came up with. I especially thought the ending was well done, with the picture changing. I liked Olya but I found myself a bit distracted by the fact that you didn't tell us what type of accent she was speaking up front. I kept imagining her as Swedish.

The dialogue was good and your characters each had their own voice. I found Gary a bit on the weak side as far as that went but at least he seemed pretty consistent. Except maybe the 'Wow what an idiot' remark.

I thought the Jester needed a bit more fanfare when he took the picture. He needed to foreshadow the pictures contents and I can see you trying by "caught in your extraordinary eternal snapshot" but that didn't do it for me. Maybe some sort of riddle would work here.

Narrative ****
Dialogue ****
Character ****
Story *****

4 * out of 5 *

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Well, the idea is interesting but it doesn't work ( at least for me). The screenplay does follow the contest requirements - that is to say, there is a picture in it. Luther is a jerk, and that comes across very well. The depiction of Olya, through her dialogue, is weak.

The writing is only fair. The story could be a lot better if some time is spent on the execution. It's a neat idea but it needs to be thought out more and the screenplay rewritten accordingly.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

This is a nice piece and your story is alright too, but your chaacters are so over-the-top. I mean, they are just plain one-dimensional. Luther can only scream, Olya is the dumbest russian girl ever and Gary is just nice.

You could really try to give them more depth here. It would certainly improve your story to give them some more conflict.

And the DEUS-EX-MACHINA with the picture doesn't really work either. Not everything needs to be explained, but this changes your story so dramatically and for no reason (the jester is unknown) that its hard to follow along with the ensueing antics.

Well written though, but it think you could make a better short if youcreated some real characters.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate the themes touched upon here and the just and happy ending, but I think we've seen these themes and plot-points portrayed before, so a lot of this didn't feel so fresh.

Luther is comically over-the-top, but I think that was your intention.

I think Olya would speak to herself in her native language.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. There are a few minor typos throughout.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

Wow Luther is a complete jerk, I'm surprised Olya stayed with him as long as she did. Interesting use of the picture in the story.

I enjoyed this, even though it was a bit far fetched, it had a real charm to it. I was glad that Olya and Gary got together at the end, it was a sweet ending.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Not too bad, but there are a couple things that could use some polishing.

Thing #1: Olya's voice. I understand that she's Russian, and her English is going to be less than perfect. But there are good ways to show that...and not-so-good ways. The way you've written her dialogue doesn't sound like a Russian immigrant -- it sounds like Tarzan. Or Tonto. "Me afraid." "I not happy?" "Me not remember." It just doesn't sound natural, even for someone not conversant in English. It's jarring.

Thing #2: The story itself. It's kinda thin. A nasty guy and his immigrant girlfriend go to an amusement park. A jester takes a magic photo. Olya falls in love with the knock-the-bowling-pins-over guy (who she just "met" a couple minutes ago). There's just not much story there -- nothing really develops, things just sorta happen. What makes it a little bit interesting is the magic photo -- it somehow reflects her true feelings, and helps her make the decision to dump Luther. But there's not enough focus on the photo. She looks at it once and says, "I not happy?" Wouldn't the moment she realizes she's holding a magic photo be a little more dramatic than that? I think so.

My recommendation would be to trim down a lot of the dialogue (and make Olya's sound a little more real), trim down some of the narrative (there's a lot of stuff there that doesn't really help move your story along), and build a little mystery and drama around the snapshot.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Nice idea and a good message to your story but overall it didn't really work for me.

The characters were all a bit too cliche. More originality would help.

Some of the dialogue felt awkward. The proposal didn't really sound natural. I get the fact that Luther is a dick but the way he changes from talking about the jester to proposing was too sudden.

Writing was fine overall apart from your repeated mis-spelling of pier (peir).

Overall, not a bad effort but could certainly use a redraft or two.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I like your concept. The idea of the photograph changing according to a different future is very intriguing and promising, and it seems that it would give a wide range of oportunities for writing an interesting story.

Sadly, I think you have not taken full advantage of the posibilities of your idea.

The way your story is now, it sounds a little underdeveloped. It seems to me that you have several holes in regard to your characters and their actions. For example, Luther's reactions seem to be those of someone who's fed up with a situation, and that is why he gets so excited by the simplest of comments. He doesn't look at all like the type of person who's thinking in proposing marriage.

Gary also seem a bit on the edge. Why does he addresses Luther and Olya when they get to their booth? Granted, Luther's words are abrupt. But that doesn't give permission to anyone to act like the county sheriff -but to the real county seriff.

I think that it would be good for your story that your characters where more developed.

One anorher area that I think it should be mo developed is the photograph itself. I think that what you do with it is very interesting, but I also think that you should play more with it. Maybe you introduce it a bit too late, and then you can't do much about it because you're close to the end.

I would siggest that you introduce it a little earlier and show more in detail how it changes -perhaps making it change more than once.

Ohter than that, I would also suggest to proofread for typos, misspells, and missing words, as they seem to be in your script.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

I liked your story here and the way you shaped your characters. Good solid story for only five pages. I thought the writing was good, but you have misspelled 'pier' as 'peir' throughout your script. Some of the broken English from Olya didn't sound right to me, other parts did. I've spoken to lost of people from eastern Europe and I think parts of your dialogue like 'me afraid' doesn't ring true. Normally they will correctly use 'I' to refer to themselves but might leave out the word 'am' and then say whatever. So maybe 'I scared' would work better. I think people using 'me' in that context might be something you would get more from certain Asian countries. Just a small thing but it bugged me a little bit.

The dialogue from the jester was really good, one of the highlights. The ending works well, all the loose ends are tied up nicely and the story feels complete. So good job there. Any reason there's no title page? Maybe a Fade Out at the end so we know it's the actual end. Don't know if it's actually required but I can't think of a reason not to have it there just for presentation sake.

Overall I really enjoyed this though, it was well written and I'm giving it a Very Good.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Typos include: all of your "peir"s
Also: the fuck "your" from?!
And: "You’re" blonde ass won’t be pretty forever.

The characters didn't do much for me: they seemed stereotypical, however, I like the premise very much. A clever use of the Jester/magic/rhyming, and the photo changing at the end was fitting.

Comments Made After the Contest