Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your title contrasts your somber tone. Kalaboo is a good character, it's just that name is a little too childish for your script. I suggest a less whimsical name for him.

The correlation between Kalaboo and Molly's struggle is a nice visual touch.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

A very sad but rewarding story of unending love and the horrific struggles of Alzheimers. I like this, a lot. I'm struggling between Very Good and Excellent. There aren't any flaws to speak of. I can't think of any typos or formatting issues - well, maybe one area of slight confusion: when you would insert pages from the book, you never explained it this way. I understood everything, but for a split second, it interrupted the flow of action. No big deal, I'm just pointing it out.

I guess my struggle comes from the feeling that I've seen this before. Weird, I know, but it felt a lot like "The Notebook". Deep down while reading I knew there couldn't be a happy ending, there never is when Alzheimers is involved. There was some anticipation to see if anything would spark in Henry, or if any of his scribbles would turn into anything resembling his former talent, but I also can't help but feel there could have been more.

I think I'm being too critical at this point. This is EXCELLENT. That's my vote. A well crafted story with deep emotional characters. EXCELLENT job!

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

The story is wonderfully written. I loved the end. it is enticing, and has the intrigue to keep the interest of the reader going. Somewhere in the middle I found it a little confusing, but the end is so beautiful, that I forgot all that. lovely writing. Keep it up.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and formatted very well.

I thought the story flowed very well, great pacing.

One thing I didn't like was how pages from Kalaboo were written in the descriptions as if there was a koala bear learning the alphabet right there in the nursing home.

I also didn't quite get the ending. Specifically, his note "I always did" and the dialogue that followed. "He answered." I didn't get it. He always did what? I looked back to try to figure out what he answered, but she hadn't asked him any question. I don't know... I liked the script, but that ending threw me off a bit because I wasn't sure what it meant.

Overall, this was a solid script. I just think the ending needs a little attention. Aside from that though, I don't have much constructive criticism here.

Nice effort! Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Intriguing title.

KALABOO LEARNS THE ABC’S! - why the apostrophe S? I think it should just be ABC

A bit confused with the Kalaboo bits - I think they should be formatted so it's clear it's not real. The way it was done it was hard to follow.

It's a poignant story, well-written.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a lovely story.

I love the character/book name Kalaboo. It feels perfect. I even love the relationship between Henry and Molly. It's all so sweet. The ending might be a bit too sentimental for my taste, but it is still beautiful.

Your craft is great and so is this story.

David Birch (Level 5)

my two biggest concerns would be that the dialog is broken up by a line of direction/action...that makes the read extremely tedious and leave little to the imagination for the reader...keep the direction to a minimum...the actors will figure out how to work you lines...the second would be a frequent use of those dreaded "ly" works (adverbs)..."the pencil glides carefully and gently"...other than that, the formatting was done very well...the story was a nice attempt at tugging on the heart strings...a little too "syrup-y" for my taste, but to each his own...a decent attempt at the contest...good luck in the vote...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Before I began to read this SP, I looked up Kalaboo at dictionary.com. No such word! Nevertheless, I really enjoyed this screenplay. The only thing that I did not understand was on page four: “Her eyes are falling apart, she struggles to speak.” I did not know what the writer meant by “eyes are falling apart”.

This screenplay earned an excellent from me. Thanks for a great read.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is very touching, especially the ending.

Sometimes I feel the story is choppy because you switched from real life to the drawing all of a sudden. I know you showed us many of Kalaboo's drawings throughout the script, but there should be an easier and eye-appealing way to do the switchover.

You captured very well the pain that Molly had endured. The moment, at the bottom of page 4, where Henry seems to hearing Molly but then he just stuttered, "I hate deadline", that really got me. The last scene broke my heart, too.

Something I caught is the last line: I ALWAYS DID. If Molly didn't say, "He answered," would Henry's last line work? Just giving you some thoughts.

Anyway, writing is good, didn't spot typos.

VERY GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

There is something about the visit Molly is having with Henry that doesn't seem natural. Especially when the script says that Molly visits every day. The way they speak is as if this topic has never come up before yet I would think daily visits would have already exhausted this topic. So, the script didn't work for me because it seemed forced, set up just so we could have the payoff at the end. Maybe if the visit was the first one in a long time for some reason, it would have been more natural for the visit to happen like it did.

I do not know anything about people in this situation, but not sure that his drawing skills would be gone just because his memory seems to be gone? Maybe he would not be drawing the same pictures, but I was thinking he would still draw something. Also, the script doesn't quite say what happened to Henry but would it be possible for him to remember to draw the heart and write something out. Why wouldn't he just write it out with her in front of him. Kind of like what I mentioned above, the story seemed put together for this ending to happen, so I had some trouble believing it.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"Dusty Light" I like that.

"Kalaboo smiles ear-to-ear, an exclamation mark above his head. Eureka." - I don't get what you're showing us.

"I always did" I didn't know what he was referring to.

Anyay, great story! I loved this one. I definitely can see this being made. I loved the single heart at the end. I thought the words could go. Maybe it's because I do not understand them.

Great job!

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I think my favourite element of your script was the hidden hearts. In my opinion, it's this kind of sweet detail that gives a story it's poignancy, something that your script in particular absolutely relied on.

My fundamental criticism of your script, the feature I feel really holds it back, is that although it's not necessarily predictable, I found your story to be not one tiny bit surprising, and because of this I found it too steady a ride to be as affecting as it could have.

All in all, I thought your script was very well written but perhaps too strait-forward. Very Good :) Well Done

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I might be a little slow but it took me a couple of reads before I figured out what was happening: (excuse me if this is wrong) Henry was trying to tell Molly he loved her but couldn't quite do it, hence the hidden hearts. Finally he does so with a gigantic heart.

I think that is a great idea for a story!

Unfortunately I thought the idea was a little too hidden (Oh the irony!). Perhaps if you had a scene in the middle where Molly and the Nurse talked in private, setting the scene, filling in more of the background story. (e.g. Molly and Henry were in love, Henry fell ill, Molly is frustrated that Henry can't quite get his feelings out etc.). At the moment I think the background story is a little lacking.

Still, with a few minor tweaks I think you would have a great script on your hands.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Reminds me a little of the Notebook, but in a good way. This was an excellent script, all the way. The book with little Kalaboo the koala was a nice touch. It served as a guiding point to the story of Henry and Molly. The way he lived in his dementia ridden state, drawing pointless scribbles, and then drawing that meaningful heart at the end before he died - genius. Molly's suffering was finally eased, knowing that he remembered at the end.

Top notch writing and magnificent dialogue. This is a very filmable script that will have alot of emotional impact on its audience. Cheers on an Excellent entry.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is very well written. Actually exceptionally well written for me.

It's a bit melodramatic for me. A bit predictable - I thought he'll die at the end...
I think Henry could be 80 or even 90.

I see he's Molly's husband. And he used to hide hearts but for the last one he did not. Why does she say "he answered"?

I think this is well done. Although I have that one question - what was it that he did? - he didn't hide the heart this time but how does this answer anything and what was it that he answered?

Very Good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Sweet and sentimental story. Henry and Molly as 70-year-old seniors are distinctive enough. Did think that perhaps Henry should not speak except to exclaim his dislike of deadlines. His dialogue like, "Done" and "Molly will like that one" are somewhat soft considering he doesn't recognize her. Also not convinced Henry's last words are powerful enough. Assume "I always did" finishes Henry's thought, "I hate deadlines!" Like the heart symbol and might have more impact if his final words are more personal or relate to the heart so that Molly, the reader, and viewer think Henry was able to connect at the end of his life.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This is a very sweet story, built around an interesting premise: dementia in a children's book illustrator. Good imagination.

Overall, this story felt like it belonged in about three pages. It just felt long, especially because I instinctively knew that this story didn't have a plot or a twist. Once you have dementia, there's really nowhere to go with the plot. Thus, the story becomes a character piece about Molly, and a good one at that, but limited by its own parameters. It seemed that the script just got repetitive: Molly talks, Henry does his thing, Molly talks, Henry does his thing.

Thank you, thank you, for not going the weird and modern route of having Molly do a double-suicide and pretending that such an ending was appropriate. I've gotten awfully sick of that ending, and was hoping you'd have the courage to avoid it.

The ending was touching, even if highly improbable. Very Good!

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

This may be just my preference, but this felt more like a tone piece than a story to me. The emotions were good (only verged on melodrama in a few parts), but it was lacking that certain something to really pull me in and make me care (sounds heartless I know but maybe I can explain).

You do a good job of establishing a feel for the script, and I really think that's what supports it, but I had some nagging issues with the world you created. I couldn't get any idea of history here - Molly was acting as if this is the first time she's seeing Henry like this, but there's the talk of her visiting every day and the evidence of all of Henry's drawings. Was Molly expecting him to get better? What prompts all of the emotions this time? What is Molly trying to get out of this encounter? If the characters/world dont feel real (or real enough), the emotions dont resonate quite as well as if they had and we start to see the mechanics of your story rather than suspending our belief that these people are real (most true with Henry dying at the end - to me it felt tacked on to manipulate the audiences emotions rather than to contribute to the story).

The writing had a nice poetic feel to it, but I feel it is too vague in spots. I couldn't get a good idea of geography of scenes or really picture what was going on. For example, on pg 1 is the nurse sitting/stanging? Where does Molly come from? On pg4 - 'a hand on Molly's shoulders' whose hand? 'she sighs' who sighs?

Other than that, my notes are all pretty small - it seemed odd to me that the Nurse hung around for their conversation and butted in at certain points (wouldnt she give some privacy?), and in the end wouldnt she know what the heart meant because she heard Molly talk about it?

Hope I didnt discourage too much because there is a lot of good going on in the script and I enjoyed it!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm liking the title a lot. Really a lot...

This is great. Very touching and beautiful. The formatting is good, as are spelling and punctuation. I feel my chances of placing circling the toilet... and I don't mind.

Excellent work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was a nice touching story.

I can just imagine the right type of illustrations for the Kalaboo books, it would be great on film.

The ending is perhaps a bit too sentimental for me, but it works for the story.

Very good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Nice title and a nice story.

I enjoyed this. I think you handled the emotion very well. It was easy to envision the scenes.

One problem I had was trying to follow when we were seeing the pages of the book and when you were simply writing the action lines. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be written but an example of where it stuck out is on the bottom of page 4 - "Kalaboo smiles ear-to-ear, an exclamation mark above his head. Eureka." Are we seeing this in the book or is Kalaboo actually Henry?

Also, a few minor issues, some word choices I noticed that didn't feel right - "Her lips shiver.." I think you mean quiver, and "Hereyes are falling apart.." I'm not real sure what that means. Is she crying?

Overall, a very good from me.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was well written and there was an touching story going on that was told stylishly with bear illustrations. I really can't fault the writing here but the script didn't really engage me. I know you tried your hardest to get that story told and you did it too but it was either the subject matter or the short length that left me feeling too distant to really appreciate what was transpiring.

Narrative ****
Dialogue ***
Character ***
Story ****

3.5 * out of 5 *

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Nice touching little story. I thought it was a bit overwritten. And by that I mean, some of the descriptions/action lines were too flowery, or described obvious action that was already evident in the nature of the piece and by the very strong dialogue. Cutting some of that would make this one stronger. It's already strong, but that might work. This is a well executed piece. The writing is clean. The concept is good. Characters are well defined. Nice little ending. Over all I liked it, and very good.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I found this very emotional, but somehow I felt like your Kalaboo descriptions were vague and broke the pace.

I suggest writing those Kalaboo sequences differently, because I have a hard time understand if it's animation or just a different still image each time. You might want to make Kalaboo more of a character or specify that it's an INSERT PICTURE. Greatly downed the impact of your script.

And it's a nice story, the rollercoaster isn't that wobbly, but I like the end. I love the retrun of the little heats, that was definitely endearing.

I felt this was a great story ruined by bad action lines.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Beautiful, bittersweet story of the immortal love of mortal people. The Alzheimer's plot-point has been done before ("The Notebook," etc.), but it's a subject matter so tragic and identifiable.

Good job on creating a very produce-able screenplay. I think this would be easy to get made.

I think you should give the Nurse a name.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Very Good!

Robert Kent (Level 3)

This story is very sweet and very endearing. I don't think you need Molly's lines to Henry, "Please, Henry. This isn't how we end. Not like this." You've already given the character enough to work with, and I think that the actress playing Molly will show those sentiments in her face and eyes. I also don't think you need the sentence at the very end underneath the big heart, "I ALWAYS DID." The heart is pretty compelling by itself, but if you did want to have his feelngs expressed underneath the heart, how about "FOR MY DEAREST MOLLY"? I don't believe that she doubts that his love for her has vanished. I think that what she fears most is that he's forgotten who she is, and the changed sentence might re-assure her that he has not forgotten the most important person in the world to him.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is a very touching story. I liked the characters that you wrote. The sadness and emptiness and despair is there in the pages. The ending was sweet and it tied it all together very well. It was a satisfying ending and that is what I was hoping for.

Really well done.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This seems like a very sweet story. But there's a problem...and it's kind of an ironic one. In a story about a children's book illustrator ("illustrator", that's the ironic part), you managed to tell us the story -- not show us. Remember, "show, don't tell".

Even though Molly flips through the book, showing us pictures of Kalaboo's story, the sad story of Henry and Molly is told almost entirely by Molly's dialogue with the nurse. Let me show you what I mean. Here are some snippets of Molly's dialogue -- they tell the whole story. "She wouldn't be much without her star illustrator." "Henry would always hide a heart somewhere in his drawings." "Made me earn those kisses he'd give once I found it." "It's so lonely without you dear." "I know you can hear me, Henry. Deep down, you're still there." "This is Kalaboo's last story. There's nothing left." That's it -- the whole story.

In a story like this one, which is all about the emotions you're trying to make us feel, you have to develop the plot and the characters, not just hand them to us. If you just hand them to us via on-the-nose dialogue, the best you'll ever do is make us understand what emotions we're supposed to feel, rather than actually make us feel them.

It's a very tender story, but I'd recommend showing us rather than handing it to us via dialogue.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This is a heart-breaking story. Very well told with a lot of respect for the illness.

I found it a little strange that the nurse wouldn't leave Molly to be alone with Henry. I have no experience of visiting someone in nursing homes though, I just would expect Molly to be given some time alone.

I wanted to know what Molly whispered to Henry. I don't think we need to know, as him answering anything is enough and the rest can be left to our imagination. I would just like to know what it was he was answering.

A really touching story, well done.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Loved the title before I even opened the PDF. The characters drew me in immediately, and the line "I hate deadlines" was so perfect. Touching story, well told. Excellent - and methinks a winner this.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This is vey tender, very heart-warming story; but as a script, I am sorry to say that it doesn't to me.

The issue is that I think the story is good. You have a good concept. The structure is good -although I think the story stalls a bit in the middle. The characters are good. It is easy to make a conection with all of them. And, for the most part, you show a great ability to convey information in a very natural way.

The format, on the other hand, I think it could be improved. All through pages two and three you show what is happening on the book and in the room indistinctively, almost as if Kalboo was a real character in the story just like Molly or Henry.

I also believe -though I recognize this may be merely my taste- that the style could be a bit more polished. You give open range to the use of adverbs with "softly" repeated more than twice, if memory doesn't fail me. And I also find distracting some of the telling/not showing, such as the big heart at the end -Esay to find.

Like I said, it is just my taste.

To finish, regardless of some of these notes, you have done a great job.

Your story could easly be filmed. You have an engaging story, few characters, and few locations. I wouln't surprise me to see it on screen.

Good luck.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is great! I love the way that you track the story with images of Kalaboo learning the alphabet. Ingenious way to incorporate the picture element. The story itself is very well written, heartbreaking, yet it ends on a beautiful note. Your use of language especially has taken this over the top. Excellent job and best of luck!

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This was very well done. The quality of the writing was very professional and the story was clear and easy to follow. I was unsure what the question that Molly asked him at the end was, I'm guessing something to the effect of 'do you love me?'

Overall a really solid effort, I think this will be one of the better entries this month.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Without the introduction of Molly during the nurse's introduction, I thought the nurse was talking to herself; this makes Molly seem to appear out of nowhere when she speaks because it also doesn't say (OS).
"She sighs" - Who, Molly or nurse?
I love that you intercut Kalaboo's story within' Henry/Molly's story. This is a very touching drama with a simple, original premise. This leaves me wondering about their relationship, whether they were married, or just partners as author/illustrator of the famous book series. Nothing wrong with keeping that subjective.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2010 12:27 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. I thought this script was great and honestly, I'm surprised it's yours. It seems different for you. Very well done. BTW, how did you come up with that name, Kalaboo?

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 7/3/2010 5:19 PM

Kalaboo was the first cute African-sounding name that came to mind. I'm glad you were surprised it's me, I was annoyed by people calling my scripts before they knew I wrote em.

I was wondering, what would be a good way to better clarify that you are looking at pages of a book like in the script? I didn't expect that to be such an issue.