Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Okay, you get a lot of points from me here because Lolita is a book I love and you do have a way to turn a phrase. However, it is a bit too wordy for a script. You have HUGE blocks of dialogue, some almost a page long, and voiceovered...that type of monologue works on a novel, but you need to be more visual in a script.

Bill Clar (Level 3)

Your title is very interesting and offbeat. I haven't even started reading and I'm already intrigued.

The following paragraph offers a little too much inside information: "The Young Girl is seductive in all the wrong ways. This is the 1950’s and things aren’t sexually suggestive, but they still appear that way in jail with a Sears-Roebuck catalog."

To establish the time period, you could display the catalog year. If you want to take it a step further, stop on a couple of different catalog pages (when breezing by) that show a conservative swimsuit or two.

Humbert's monologue on page two is really long. You could start with "When you tell a man..." and omit everything prior.

"If eyes and sunny-side-up eggs ever were comparable, now would be that time: Humbert’s face is a plate of breakfast." Very descriptive but a bit unnecessary. Telling us that Humbert's eyes go wide is sufficient.

With your gift for words and dialogue, this would be better suited as a stage play. Your writing is very good, I'm just not sure this works as a film.

Brian Howell (Level 4)

This is too dialogue heavy for me. Almost every set of lines was a monologue. You can probably get away with one in a script like this at this length, but not several. The problem with so much dialogue is that there isn't any action. Even the card game doesn't have action to it. Humbert trances at his cards the whole time.

The ending confused me a bit. You mention blackness then another picture - is this an actual picture or just imagined by Humbert? Then you have some sounds so I imagined all of the death stuff as sound with a black screen, until he clutches his heart, then I was confused because I wasn't sure how much of what I just read over black was supposed to be on screen.

This is just FAIR for me.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

It is a fairly written story. the huge length of the dialogues was boring though. The story had no particular meaning. The end was also not interesting. No. I believe the writer should decide how to entice the viewers by his writing: not just try telling a story by huge dialogues. And there should be a story: not all the stuff, but no story.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The formatting was fine, but this reads more like a novel than a screenplay. You should try to keep all paragraphs, action and dialogue, to 3 lines, 4 max. Anything more than 4 lines needs to be trimmed down or broken apart.

The story here didn't seem like much of a story really. Two pervs playing cards, one of them rambling on about the girl he molested, and then the rambler dies. I don't know... That's not a very compelling story to me and certainly not something I'd be interested in watching. Take away the dialogue and all we've got are 2 guys playing cards for a few minutes and then one of them dies. Not exactly what I consider visually stimulating film at all.

Overall, I think this needs a lot of work. Something needs to be done about the massive chunks of dialogue and action, but I think the bigger problem here is the lack of story. We'd much rather see things happen than listen to a character describe them.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

This title says light comedy. The screenplay certainly doesn't. Is that a problem? I don't know.

I just felt that there was a good idea here, liked the way your characters thought (not their thoughts but the way you portrayed it) but that the speeches were overlong to the point of tedium and nothing visual was happening on screen so this could have been a radio play!

A few notes:

Good visual opening.

they still appear that way in jail with a Sears-Roebuck catalog - how could we possibly know this. We don't even know we're in a jail yet! Don't tell us things!

ROBERT JOHNSON is staring - stares

What exactly is happening on screen during the exceptionally long monologue on p.2?

these are normal thoughts for him - how would we know?

If eyes and sunny-side-up eggs ever were comparable, now
would be that time: Humbert’s face is a plate of breakfast. - this is a lovely description but maybe not for a screenplay?

Still uncomfortable with being so
close to someone to close to how he is, he steers to end the
conversation before it starts. HOW DO WE KNOW THIS?

he grabs his smokes and departs. With that, he gets up and walks out, - he leaves TWICE?

alone in the room with only the situation: a hangover of sorts fills the air. - HOW are you going to SHOW this?

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

Interesting concept, continuation of Lolita, just not sure it works.

You are certain to get a lot of comments about the long voice overs. I don't completely get the aversion here to voice overs as I think they are extremely effective when used in the right way. The problem I see here is that during the long voice overs in your story, nothing is really happening. Picture it on the screen - we see Humbert staring at his cards for long periods of time while his voice drones on about Lolita. Don't think that works.

Your writing is not bad, but I think much of your dialogue could be tightened up and shortened. I get the tongue-in-cheek dusting of the broom and he being a successful prison janitor, but it is all brought out in exposition. Would be much more interesting seeing him sweeping the prison, observing items that may turn him on or remind him of Lo while the VO is running. Then when the dusting the broom comes up, it fits right into the story rather than appearing a clever afterthought.

Think this could use some work. Good luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

For some reason I like this title.

- First off this looks to thick. Your action blocks are long.
- I see why. You aren't writing a novel. Write only visual. When you master that, then you will know where and when to sprinkle flower.
- The dude seriously has the same first and last name?
- Damn that was a long speech.

Ok, this is novelistic at it's finest. You have long narratives and into their head action. A good story a film doesn't always make. It has to be available on the screen, no one likes watching a talking head for that long. Don't lose home with some trimming and reworking this could still work.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

I like Nabokov's "Lolita" and the way you elude to the opening with the clicks of the tongue. I also liked some of the imagery and language that you use.

But, overall, it felt like too much language. It never quite flowed. It felt like I was reading prose and not a screenplay. Additionally, I didn't really like anyone, so I'm afraid this didn't totally work for me.

David Birch (Level 5)

"robert johnson is staring"...?..."robert johnson stares at..."...also some unnecessary adverbs in your final narrative..."dutifully"..."clearly"..."slowly"..."painfully"...a lot of passive (vs. active) voice writing..."humbert IS SLIPPING"..."humbert slips"...a few too many asides and references to subtext, as well "these are normal thoughts for him"...the writing seemed to be a little too "self aware"...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The writer knows how to write but, in my opinion, this writing sample indicates that a novel should be written. A screenplay is a story in pictures, with lots of action. All I see is dialogue in this piece. Excellent writing. But not for a screenplay.

Herman Chow (Level 4)

Whoa, I don't think this is a screenplay, really.

There might be a story there, but the prose-like action/description, unfilmable asides, lengthy and huge blocks of dialogue, and tons of voice overs prevented me to see it.

I feel no attachment to either of the characters. Their ages were not even shown.

I wished I have more positives to say, but I really don't. I'd suggest you to read more scripts to see how they're done. Sorry.

POOR.

James Hughes (Level 4)

I liked this line:

"you are all brain-smart, like a mind doctor or something"

I googled dust my broom to read up on that. I've never seen/read Lolita although i know Kubrick directed this film. So, I was able to place your characters' names but not sure what they have to do with each other. I also wasn't sure what the meaning is of this story. You chose to pull these two directly from works of art, you chose to have long voice over and dialogue. Two men not really talking to each other so much as talking to themselves. I'm trying to figure out what it all means. I'm intrigued just because you obviously had very specific ideas of what you wanted to do here. Is the point simply to imagine what a pedophile thinks about while in prison? Does my lack of knowledge of Lolita and Dust my Broom hinder my understanding?

Jayaram Sanaran (Level 2)

Nice job... but its not gonna be easy filming this one i guess...
I felt the plot was a lethargic one... deviating from all the cliches...
but you've packed in a lot in these few pages.. a lot of emotions i thought...
nevertheless, its a very different one to read ..
I gave it a 'good' !

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Black and nothing is redundant. Black is sufficient.

Please give ages of the characters at their intro.

Some of the most engaging and beautiful verbage I've ever read!

Just needs format work and spell check, otherwise gorgeous.

Kudos on making even a pedophile likable!

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The title and the way it tied in at the end was Good, but there is too much Dialogue.
The script has a good premise and the way it ends is fitting and all, but you took too long to get there. This script could have been a third in lenth (dialogue-wise) and still would have achieved its intended message. I like the underlying theme of people never changing and perpetuating one's own suffering, but the overall execution, with the card game setting, was weak and cliched. He mentioned being a Janitor and that last part with him sweeping and whistling to his eventual death was the best scene.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm very curious about who wrote it. This is absolutely excellent.
And it's not just the brilliance of the dialog. It's everything.

From the POV of a bad man. I felt for him. He was trying his best.
I'm short of words because I just read your short. Actually read it twice. A simple story, and I don't know how well told, extremely well told for me but not according to the standards perhaps... anyway, a simple story but so penetrating, so convincing!

Churning the antihero into a hero like that! I'm very curious to see who wrote it. And I don't think you're planning to redo it right. Because why to rewrite something that works.
"the three click of a tongue name" - this is so smart. All the dialog is smart. In large chunks like that and isn't one bit boring...

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific opening. The spinning Sears-Roebuck catalog and the description of the Young Girl is visual and well written. The single "County Prison - Cafeteria" location is rather tame. Humbert's lengthy musings as dialogue over a slow game of cards probably isn't enough to keep a viewer engaged. Humbert's dialogue in voiceover means an audience would be watching two guys sitting with only one character vocalizing anything. Only visible action is "Humbert throws two cigarettes," Robert "wipes his nose...clears his throat" and smiles, Humbert gets animated at one point and laughs, and Robert eventually picks up his smokes and leaves. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be enough going on until Humbert starts sweeping, "grabs his heart," and thuds to the floor.
Robert and Humbert have unique voices. Their names look a bit similar on a page, so it might be helpful to change one of them.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The second action paragraph: "they still appear that way in jail..." Huh? In Jail? I thought this was set in Black and Nothing? How is the viewer supposed to latch on to this jail theme right away?

The overdescribing in that paragraph reminds me of high school English literature classes. There's no way the audience is going to see a hot dog as phallic. Sorry. I like to hear the author's voice as much as the next guy, but, seriously now. Stick to the facts. The audience might see her as sexy if she's photographed that way, but leave it at that. One line and done.

The massive voice over chunks are going to take a really long time on film. During which nothing is happening. I worry that this is going to be a very boring movie, that people will turn off halfway through without ever finding out that his life was flashing (or plodding) before his mind's eye.

In fact, I'll be honest: it was really tough to read those hunks of black, knowing that the plot wasn't being advanced properly. My guess is that most professional readers are going to see it the same way. The dialogue you write is quite good, but you need to economize it for maximum impact.

You get bonus points for knowing who Sisyphus is. :)

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love the title and I like the basic story. The extensive use of V.O. isn't my cup of tea, though, and I think there should probably be a "minimum 120 I.Q." requirement to get into the theater. You probably need more to keep the eyes of the audience as engrossed as the minds, too.

Still, I really, really like this.

Very good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

All was going very well, I was enjoying the exchange between the prisoners even though it was also disturbing, when there was a giant block of voice-over dialogue. Anyone reading this will be very tempted to just skim the first few and last few lines if they read it all. Plus, during voice-over, something has to be happening on the screen, otherwise it's just someone talking over a still picture. Maybe there wasn't enough space to split it up, in which case, cut it down or cut it entirely. Voice-over is often used when it isn't necessary.

It's not that the dialogue is not well-written, it just doesn't add anything to the story. It would be much better if you just played it in the subtext, so we could guess at what Humbert was thinking, but weren't told outright.

I did like the ending.

The good news is that all this needs is the dialogue to be trimmed extensively (and the voice-over probably cut altogether, if not severely reduced)

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I'm afraid some of the dialogue sounded a bit stiff. Lots of long monologues with complex phrasing. I'd suggest to trim it down and make it sound more natural.

Also, try to tell your story more visually. Voice over narration can be a nice complement but I get the feeling that you might be overusing it a bit here.

Your choice of protagonist is very challenging. It's very hard to make the audience care about a pedophile. It's okay to have a flawed character but try to pick someone that the audience could root for.

Good luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 4)

I don't understand the title. If it's a saying, it's one with which I'm not familiar.

Your intro - Bland and Nothing seems to be redundant.

To start with, I'm confused. Is Humbert in prison for driving in the wrong lane, or for murder, or for some other reason? He says he got pulled over for driving in the wrong lane, but why would he go to prison for that? Had he murdered the girl and had the body in the car when he got pulled over? I can't tell.

To me the script has too much monologue without any accompanying action. Pages 2-3 have virtually no action. That's a long time to watch the screen with nothing happening. The action lines you do seem more suited to a novel, including your final paragraphs. Keep the action sharp, to the point, and tell us what we see.

With Robert, I don't know if he's really talking out loud or thinking. You have the dialog there, but, as an example, on page 3 you have in your action line "Robert stares at his cards; these are normal thoughts for him." How would we know these are normal "thoughts" and are they thoughts or is he speaking?

The dialog is odd. I know your trying to convey what sounds like some old-time way of talking, but you put in phrases that just seem out of place - Ol' Mcfate (I have no idea what that means) "lovin on a girl.." seems to be a slang way of talking that has just come about recently.

On your first page you used some words that seemed very odd to me also. Whether or not they are technically accurate I'm not sure, but they don't seem right - "...that neutered my freedom." Neutered doesn't seem to be the right word choice here. Then you have "...who's tranced on his cards." You use that term "trance" twice and it reads poorly in my opinion.

As a story, I'm not really sure what you have here. An old guy is in prison (for what is not exactly clear) and plays a very slow game of cards with another prisoner. They're both pedophiles. In the end, one dies. Not much else really happens and the (mostly) monologue doesn't add much for me.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Congratulations, you got me to refresh my memory on Lolita. You did a good job writing this but I'm not really sure exactly what you were trying to do here. It seemed a whole lot more like a stage play than a screenplay that I'm almost convinced this is an adaptation of a stage play.

From a screenplay point of view it's odd to see such large chunks of dialogue and I would definitely trim them down and chop them up by splicing some action or reaction in there.

Honestly, and don't get upset because I said this but, I found the script boring - there really wasn't much happening and there was very little story. I would say, you really need to read a few more screenplays to see what your peers expect.

Best of luck.

Narrative **
Dialogue **
Character ***
Story *

2 * out of 5 *

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

This was extremely well written - for a short story. The descriptions were far too 'narrative'. All emotions and thoughts that we as the 'viewer' can't possibly see or know (even if you had an amazing actor).

For example, the line - "these are normal thoughts for
him" - how can you film that, or as an actor how could you portray that? And again with - "Humbert laughs, relieved his thoughts weren’t being broadcast for all to see. Still uncomfortable with being so close to someone to close to how he is, he steers to end the
conversation before it starts"

The dialogue is excellent, though. Outstanding actually. The story/concept is cool. Definitely held my interest. It just needs to be rewritten as a 'screenplay'.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

Well this is really well written, the prose is great. It just isn't a SCENARIO. You need to focus on what you are showing visually, and you are just showing two guys in a card game, with no handplaying at all. It's all voices, just listening. That isn't compelling video.

Try to tell your story with more visuals. You could keep the voice-overs (albeit toned down) and try to visualize it more.

I like the ending, I like the content, I just don't like the endless talking, seems really unnecessary for me. It does set the mood, but it's a pain to read and it's really boring to view.

You are a great writer though, but now concentrate on making it more visual.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate your effort, but unfortunately, I found many screenwriting issues here that, inevitably and detrimentally, detract from your story.

The amount of voice-over dialogue and dialogue in general in this is truly ponderous. Screenwriting is a visual medium and should be written with that in mind.

The best advice I can give:

Read other scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what their common denominators are in terms of dramatic writing and screenplay appearance, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting.

Never stop writing. Good luck to you.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

I really don't know what to think about this one. The subject matter is a bit weird, and the long long long dialogue threw me. I just didn't connect at all with this story. I think dialogue should be lean and to the point, this was just way over budget word wise.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Pretty good. A sequel to "Lolita", detailing what happens next to the lascivious pedophile Humbert Humbert. Oddly, he winds up in a prison cell with blues man Robert Johnson, both spending some time "dusting their brooms", per the Johnson song of the same name as the title of this script. (Of course, this is a 1950's period piece, and Robert Johnson died in 1938, but he supposedly sold his soul to the devil, so maybe the devil let him come back for a while to play some cards with Humbert. And to "dust his broom" a little.)

But it's kinda talky, and kinda "thinky" for a screenplay. Maybe better for the stage. Or better yet, a short story. Long columns of dialogue while two guys sit at a table staring at their cards just isn't very stimulating for a movie audience.

But it's always interesting to take a look at "what-woulda-happened-if" scenarios, no matter how unusual they might be. So, what woulda happened if Humbert Humbert ended up in a prison cell with Robert Johnson? They woulda played some cards and shared a Sears catalogue.

Of course.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Nicely written parts to this, quite poetic. I particularly liked - 'If eyes and sunny-side-up eggs ever were comparable, now would be that time: Humbert’s face is a plate of breakfast.' However, that doesn't belong in a screenplay. Would be great in a novel and I'm guessing you have experience in writing prose as the writing here is good, but just not concise enough for a screenplay.

Dialogue suffers from the same problem. Really well written but way too long. You have Humbert speaking non-stop for almost a page at one point. The problem with this is two-fold - 1) It is a nightmare for the reader and is an immediate turn-off. 2) What's happening on screen while Humbert has this long monologue? You have to think visually when writing for screen and I don't think you have with this script.

You picked a very tough sell with having your protagonist be a paedophile but I didn't find Humbert completely repellent. I felt a little sorry for him. So, in that, I think you succeeded.

I don't think you need his death at the end. It would work better just leaving him to rot in the jail, trying, but failing, to forget Lolita.

Keep on writing though, just take a look at some other scripts to get a better feel for the layout that you should be aiming at.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I thnik this would do a great short story, writen in prose. As a movie, I think it wouldn't play that well.

One of the reason why I think so is that most of the dialogue is internal, and it doesn't seem to be in company to any supporting images of what it's being said nor images to expand those long monologues.

If I'm not mistaken, the way this is presented what we are supposed to see is a guy staring at his card while some parts of his life story are told to us.

Not that all that backstory is not interesting. It is. Very much. But I don't think that staring at a guy staring measures up to that. I would suggest the inclusion of visuals, as many as you can come up with.

The other reason why I have doubts how this story would play as a movie is that a great part of your action lines is unfilmable. I am not saying that it is not well writen or that they are not interesting. Indeed, they are well writen and they are interesting. There's simply no way to film them.

Take this, for example: "Humbert laughs, relieved his thoughts weren’t being broadcast for all to see. Still uncomfortable with being so close to someone to close to how he is, he steers to end the conversation before it starts."
It is well writen, but it is a case of tell/don't show. I don't think it is that visual, and, for a movie, that's paramount.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

This was very tough to get through. I think it's best to keep in mind you are writing a screenplay, not a novel. You have ridiculously long dialogue and voice overs here while virtually nothing would be happening on screen. Two guys sit around playing cards while we hear a monologue that rambles on and on. Hearing all the internal dialogue of a character is fine for a book, but for a film you need to be very skilled to pull it off adeptly. And well, this just wasn't.

Your story premise is not bad, but I think you need to put some more thought into telling your story visually. Try and have plenty of white space on the page and make it easy to read. Keep your writing crisp and make every word count.

It read like the guy died in the end, not sure exactly what happened there it was a bit muddled. Really needs a thorough rewrite if this is going to work I'm afraid.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This is one of the most interesting scripts I've read in a long time regarding the character and his voice. I truly enoyed being inside Humbert's head. There is an addicting rhythm to the writing stlye. Very visual; an editor could put together some create seques with this. Not much to say negative about this one exept the typo: "much the way 'i' would behold Lo"

Comments Made After the Contest

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 12:21 AM

I loved it! I feel sorry your character - must be a really good script if it can make anyone feel sorry for someone like him.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 1:34 AM

Shane, I'm proud you are the writer of this story! I don't believe the scores are justified - I hope you have your head up high!