Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Kind of funny, but I feel like there should be more here. The girl scouts should not have gotten away with this injustice.

I think if the man does something in the beginning like kick a cat, then we can be okay with him getting screwed.

I just feel bad for the man's girlfriend. Poor girl has no more tampons.

Andrew L. Blair (Level 2)

I voted this story as 'fair', because I understood your main idea, but I don't feel like it was executed very well. The idea of the girl scouts strong-arming the man is very funny, but I feel like the use of molestation is a bit cliche. I did, however, like the fact that the mothers were uninterested in their daughter's activites, which more than likely led to their inappropriate sales tactics. I think developing the man a bit more would have made us feel more sorry for him, also. I didn't feel upset that he was taken advantage of by the girl scounts, which also made me feel less angry at the girl scouts for their actions.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

It's cute, but it seems the guy get convinced too fast. There should be something he does that the girls then turn around on him. Like maybe they could spray him on the crotch with a water gun and he is trying to dry himself just as some random people) look at him. And that's when the girl scouts threaten to say he was fondling himself.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I always knew that girl scouts were evil. This story confirms it.

I like the dual meaning of your title.

Your ending would have more impact if the man saw Girl Scout #1 in the side mirror as he drives away. That could be when she says "Come again."

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm not sure why you didn't name the characters. I'm not sure what to make of this, it goes past silly to unbelievable. The first moment that struck me as odd was when he tells the girls his wife needs tampons. I don't doubt he's there to get them, but to say it so non-chalante to a stranger? I'm not buying it.

Next the girls forming their barricade was funny, I liked that twist, but I don't buy the threat of claiming to be fondled. That took this over the top for me.

I didn't find any problems with format or anything, so this is GOOD for me.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

A nicely written script. Loved the way the girl scouts forced the man to buy their cookies! It was really funny. I kept thinking about it full day, and laughed at the way the girls did it. A good reading. Loved it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and formatted well. I think you could come up with a better title.

The story wasn't entirely original, but it was still entertaining. (There's an episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia that basically has the same punchline albeit under different circumstances altogether.) I especially liked the guy's line about buying tampons for his wife. haha. Who would say that to a girl scout?

Overall, I thought this was pretty well done. No errors or problems, but the story could use a more unique punchline.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title didn't grab me...

I thought this was quite amusing in a sick sort of way. You certainly set the tone with the comment about tampons.

Again (I'm saying this because I've said it a lot) it seemed more like a comedy sketch than a story. None of the characters were portrayed in depth.

It was strangely funny and I think I'll remember it!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Sorry, sure some will find this hilarious, but I don't really get it. Not badly written, but so far out and disgusting that I don't think I'd enjoy watching it.

If the guy only had a couple of bucks, how'd he end up with the entire inventory?

Those girls need a good spanking.

Good luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

That was sick and twisted. Hahaha. Can't say much, but it seemed the story was about the girls and it probably should've been about the dude. It worked overall. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Wow, this is a dark twisted little story. These are damn evil girl scouts.

The twist is unexpected, but there is also something very unsavory about having the girls talk like that.

Your craft is good, but this leaves me with mixed feelings overall.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This is a distasteful scene that doesn't come anywhere close to being "an entire story in one page". It was just vulgar. Even the man's comments about buying tampons for his wife were unseemly, especially considering that he was talking to children. (That comment came BEFORE we (or he) knew that these were the Girl Scouts from hell.) I realize this was shooting for humor but I couldn't find any.

No obvious spelling, grammar of formatting errors. The dialogue was on-the-nose and over-the-top and in poor taste. Some of the action lines seemed unfilmable. For example: Their uninterested MOTHERS stand off to the side, engaged in meaningless conversation." That's filmable without the modifier "meaningless". Sorry, but I didn't anything to like in this one-pager.

I gave this a rating of "Poor". Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

if you're willing to buy the concept of "rouge" girl scouts then you're on your way to buying the premise...it seems a little far-fetched because it leads me to wonder how many people would they try to "blackmail" into buying cookies?...seems like a stunt they could only pull off once...so my question would be why this customer? and why would he agree to buy all their stock (unless he's really a cho-mo)...the dialog was a problem when you had a girl scout say, "licking your lips and stroking your genitalia."...seems a little adult and antiseptic for those characters...little girls should sound like little girls...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I like the story but I don’t particularly care for the writing. How is that?

Well, the story is humorous. There is a local comedian who has a routine centered around the questionable professions and actions of his older relatives. He says that when he was a boy, and went out collecting money for his paper route, his favorite “uncle” would go with him. The kid always collected big tips. Usually in large bundles of big bills. The “uncle” always took a cut.

So yeah, I buy the story. But the script needs some editing. Phrases such as “uninterested Mothers” and “meaningless conversation” really should be focused into specific actions that show those feelings. “The man furrows his brow” just isn’t the kind of screenplay action I like to read. It seems more suited for a short story or novel.

I think you have something here, and with some tweaks it could make an interesting film.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Okay, I didn't expect this.
This was pretty well written, even if the dialogue seemed a bit wordy in a couple of places.

I also might have had the mothers really watching the kids to show that they were paranoid to begin with, not so nonchalant.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Sorry, but I did not like this story at all. Portraying girl scouts this way just pissed me off. Aside from that, here are some notes:

The word INTIMIDATING seems like a harsh way to describe girl scout cookies.

How do we know the mothers are engaged in meaningless conversation since they don’t say anything?

The CONT’Ds for dialogue are not needed. If you use final draft you can turn this feature off.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A clever title that captures the essence of your screenplay. The opening and developement was well written and then it turned excessively graphic and over the top for my taste. I'm just wondering if there was some way to accomplish your goal in a more polished manner. Watching various episodes of NIP AND TUCK, the writers continually introduce similar themes of manipulation and control, but somehow manage to do in a more restrained way that isn't all gang busters.

Hector Gutierrez (Level 3)

Goodfellas girl scouts, that a nice twist on the general perception of what a girl scout is. Your script is very funny and yet at some level, scary. (And that's good). Great writing and characters, I liked the ending a lot.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

"...MAN approaches and is met by GIRL SCOUT #1." - passive verbiage. Should be "GIRL SCOUT #1 meets an approaching MAN."

I don't think the MAN would tell the girl what he'll do with his two dollars, especially buying tampons for his wife. Any man would be embarrassed by that.

Okay, the story is too unbelievable. If any sane MAN get into this situation, he would just ignore the girls. What I think is that you lack a character setup for the girls and the man. There was no hint that the girl and the man would do what they did. At the end, it seems contrived and the characters are there to serve the plot.

A few more pages would help.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

How would you film meaningless conversation vs. meaningful conversation

This is a funny one pager, who hasn't been pressured outside of stores. That's why I say no thank you to everyone and keep walking. Can't leave an opening. You had some good descriptions, his excuse was funny, the girls' being too adult and wise for their age was funny. I liked the last line.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good - Now that's a 1 page punch! A bit funny, but also a bit sick. Never saw it coming. Terrific descriptions especially concerning their stance.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I know people who have been through hell and back because of lying little witches like these two. Your scenario is hilarious. Nothing out of this world, but certainly something that would draw a reaction when shown in a 30 second clip. Especially the little devils making a switch from innocent to demonic in the wink of an eye. Buyer beware! The conclusion was expected, but necessary for the classic punch-line to complete the joke. More of a comedic sketch than a script, but I feel you still did a Very Good job.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The man is no good either if he says "my wife needs tampons" - this is not the thing you share with young girls.
The girls - it's unbelievable a bit. Also I don't know why but it's kind of offensive for me.

"Frowns his brows" - maybe you could omit 'brows' for brevity. Actually I see a couple of places where you could tighten your descriptions.
If they could pull out a stunt like that why to bother themselves with cookies at all, they could generate money and sell the same cookies without living their homes.

I guess I have an issue with believability here. Original setting though - girl scouts selling cookies.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Some terrific description. Particularly like "the tenacious uniformed cookie-pushers" and "Their innocent demeanor turns on a dime."
Their demeanor is so much the antithesis of sweet little girls that it may be too strong. Perhaps Girl Scout #1 should start by coaxing the Man before escalating to the all out threat. Maybe two of them gang up on this guy without the other two knowing. Might turn out that the two girls threatening people sell more cookies to the dismay of the other two.
The title is perfect.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

How do we know the mothers' conversation is meaningless? It might be full of meaning. I think the script would be just as strong if you deleted the mothers altogether.

The script was unbelievable from the get-go, I'm afraid. No man is going to tell a bunch of strange Girl Scouts that he's about to buy tampons. And I have an extremely difficult time thinking that Girl Scouts are going to get away with locking arms and using sexual references as buyers' blackmail. There's really no one else around in a grocery store entrance? That's one of the busiest places in the world! Someone would have noticed the girls' strange behavior, I'm sure, even if the mothers didn't.

Besides which, I'm not sure how many girls would be willing to act in this piece (at least given parental permission). My hope is, not many. Of course, maybe it would have helped if you'd given the ages of the girl scouts right off the bat. I have no idea how old they are. Perhaps that's why I find their actions unbelievable. Are they 14? Or 7?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title, but I'm not crazy about the story. It seems really familiar, for one thing. I don't know if I've heard it as an idea, a story or as a joke, but I've heard it or something very much like it before.

I've been trying to figure out what else is holding me back on this. It might be that there isn't a single character that I can or would want to relate to. The man says "wife" and "tampons" to a group of girl scouts. He's crossing a line and insulting his wife and the girls. The girls' mothers don't seem to care what's going on with their daughters at all. The girls show themselves to be no better than the other characters...

Who did you intend the protagonist to be?

The writing is pretty good. I didn't notice any spelling, punctuation or formatting errors.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a great idea, girl scouts threatening someone into buying their cookies by playing off of pedophile scares.

I like how quickly the girl scouts turn, although perhaps you could make it even more of a surprise by losing "intimidating" from the description in the first paragraph.

Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Hell of a sale pitch these girls had! A bit unbelievable and a touchy subject, but funny nonetheless. Good job.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

HAH! Great. Loved it. The idea was fantastic. Writing is good. Entertaining. Well executed. Funny. Great job.

Can't say too much more, really. Everything right with it.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Nice writing. I don't really see a three-arc in this. Seems more like a joke-with-punchline kind of thing. Wish it was a bit more involving.

Its well written, thats for sure. I could visualize every single moment.
So craft, great. Content, not so much.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

These Girl Scouts have a pretty good business plan.

This was fun and humorous. The Man telling these young Girl Scouts he needs his money to buy his wife tampons is hysterical.

It's totally irrelevant to a story like this, but those Girl Scout cookies are so good, do they have such a hard time selling them that they have to revert to these tactics to sell them?

Your screenwriting is a little bulky, e.g.: You have six adverbs or adjectives in the first narrative paragraph alone and this could be cut down.

Why not name the Man and the Girl Scout?

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Meh...didn't enjoy this really at all. We all know everyone thinks Girl Scout Cookies kids are evil...so this is nothing new. The whole idea just isn't for me. Instead of them winning you should've had the guy beat the living crap out of the moms to show those girls what evil is. Now that would've been different. :)

Good luck to you this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Love the title. Very witty and I can definitely picture it playing well. Only minor comments. Why have four girls if only one speaks? Why not give the Man a name? and just keep One Mom? Otherwise I really enjoyed this and I thought it was a fresh, original take. Very good.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Crude, unlikable story -- at least that's the way I see it. Flowed well enough, but I don't like adult words put in kid's mouths. Maybe I'm in the minority here but I've got to at least half-way like *someone* in the story to make me want to read it. In this one we have vicious little girl/adult creatures and a victim -- nothing more.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow, this was edgy and dark. I had a hard time buying the story, girl scouts? I wish you could have found something else but the old done to death sex sells theme for your script.

I honestly don't buy that these little girls would do this to sell cookies. I just didn't like your story. I couldn't get past that dialogue of the little girl. Too gross.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Funny little script here. I was worried after the first piece of dialogue as I thought this was going to be a serious piece but got the tone as soon as the Man said "my wife desperately needs some tampons". Poor bloke, he really had no way out of this situation.

In a way, I'd have liked him to get a call from his wife at the end. There's obviously no way he can explain to her why he couldn't buy her the tampons, so he's in for a world of pain from her when he gets home. It would have been a nice way to end the script to remind us of that.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Hilarious. This is exactly how those girl scouts operate, they manage to coerce me into buying the entire inventory of thin mints. Fun premise, well executed.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Distorting the expected natureof the characters is a good resource to create an intersting story.

In this instance, I think you went a bit too far to let the story still be credible.

I think that it would be better if the girl diaalogue was turned one notch toward childhood, still maintaining the meaning of what she says.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

How old are the girl scouts supposed to be? I wasn't sure, so they could be 7 or they could be 17. The scenario and the dialogue is dependant on how old the girl might be so it's hard to really gauge how well this works.

You could lose a few meaningless words here. For instance, can the cookies really be described as intimidating? Does 'meaningless conversation' have any extra effect on the story than simply 'conversation'?

Interesting story concept though and overall a good effort.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Technically fine. The writing, if a bit overly described, is fine.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't do much for me because of the contrived, outlandish nature of it. The best stories are those that MIGHT happen, and this is just not one of those. Especially the "capiche" line. If you'd made the kids speak more like kids instead of 40 year olds, then it would have worked a lot better. As it is, it just didn't work for me.

Vote: Good

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Okay, it's been a long time since I laughed that loud - the tampon part really got me going -- but the rest - wow - although it stayed in tone with the first half - there is a line that my have been crossed - it's hard to make light of molestation and get away with it. Fun premise.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Clever and terse, a well-selected premise told efficiently and clearly. I liked the final image and the last line. In an age of false accusations, this is indirectly appropriately and more than a little nightmarish. It is also satirical. There is never anything as refresging as malicious little children!

The formatting is fine. The first descriptive paragraph might be split in two I thibnk you have room for that.

Comments Made After the Contest

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 8/2/2010 9:31 PM

Thanks to all for the read and terrific feedback... greatly appreciated! I submitted the original script with trepidation and for the most part, the feedback was as expected. I have taken your comments to heart and have revised the script. I hope you enjoy this version a lot more. Thanks again! :)

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 8/3/2010 9:28 PM

This is better. I like that the moms aren't nearby. I still have one issue: I want the girls to outsmart him. I liked that in the first draft. In the rewrite, the girls landing the sale hinges on this guy having an affair(s).

It's not a terrible thing, I just wanted the outsmarting element.

This is better, I would have given it a Very Good.

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 8/4/2010 8:36 AM

Thanks, Brian. I will toss around a few ideas and see what I can come up with. Your comments are greatly appreciated!

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 8/13/2010 10:21 AM

Okay, Brian. I think my final draft may have the missing element you're looking for. The girls definitely outsmart him this time :)