Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Cute. I really like how you set up Winnie's character because I could really imagine her and liked her character by the end.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I really like the Winnie character; her lines are great. The last one might be enhanced by the octopus not actually flattening the father, which seems like it's pushing a little too hard on the boundaries of believable response.

It's also a fun shift, from the stuffy mother and the rigidity of a wedding to giant octopus chaosville.

To me it feels a little random, though. Maybe I'm missing a reference here or something...It's kinda' cool to have so much fantasy, but these things have to make their own internal sense, and I'm not sure 1 page gives the script enough space to ground itself.

Aside from my earlier concern about the flattening, really nice ending line.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

What? I'm not sure what the point of this is. There don't appear to be any major formatting issues. I do believe you meant that the octopus INHALES the food, not annihilate it.

Anyway, I'm really at a loss on this one, it doesn't really make sense to me. Sorry this is a FAIR.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was well written and paced. It may be a contender for the strnagest script of the month.

Are we to believe this octopus scaled the cliff? In a very bizarre script, that stuck as somewhat unbelievable.

Winnie's final punchline really didn't work for me. It made sense, I just didn't find it very funny. I did get a kick out of most everything before the punchline though. A giant octopus climbing across a wedding party to attack the buffet is a pretty funny scene.

Overall, I think you did a nice job on this. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Intriguing title.

Why did you feel the need to put 'in progress'? Superfluous.

I quite liked this - what made it was Winnie saying 'Prob'ly never seen a wedding before.'

Really though, it was more of a sketch than a story. Amusing, nonetheless.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

How bizarre. Rather entertaining, though.

This is so over the top that it really is funny. Way, way out there, but funny.

Nice work, got me smiling!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

You had me going and then wham it stops! A good start, but it was interesting even though the event is impossible it was entertaining.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was an incredibly fun read and perhaps one of the oddest stories I have ever read.

I'm not sure if it is a metaphor for something, but an octopus attacking a wedding is downright surreal.

Overall, I enjoyed this, but it was very strange.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Quite an interesting story. Oddball,but humorous. If I didn't read the title, I would have never thought that an Octopus would be involved in a wedding.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I haven't seen this done before. Kind of strange matter-of-fact way of telling a "really different" kind of story. "The Bride SCREAMS. The Groom grabs her and flees down the aisle. Her father scurries behind them." It's a little wooden.

No obvious spelling, grammar or formatting errors or problems. I give you points for imagination and originality.

I gave this one a rating of "Good". Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

the premise was a bit far fetched, but be that as it may, my biggest complaint was that it took 1/3 of the page to describe, what mounts to, a stock up-scale wedding...why am i reading about a canopy...rows of white chairs...music playing...all this amounts to you telling me that "water is wet"...would have preferred you open on the image of the flower girl walking up the isle...then the mother can have an exchange commenting on what needs to be said..."can't wait to try the scallops..."...something like that...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I really liked that this started out as a typical wedding setting, was written clear enough to picture. Loved the Octopus coming out of the bushes and beating everyone up and slapping them around. REALLY LIKED IT... but the end fell a little flat! Pump it up and I would have given this an excellent.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Love it. My favorite.
It's a flippin' OCTOPUS attacking a flippin' WEDDING!!!
Your mind rules.
Excellent.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Was Winnie supposed to be the protagonist? It was not clear to me.

The slug line reads: EXT, so mentioning “outdoor" is not necessary.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I have to say that the title alone deserves a gold star! I expected a good romp and that's exactly what was delivered. Brilliantly written and engaging. The only reason I'm not giving an excellent is because the story makes absolutely no sense!!! But I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and the writer's clear sense of fun and joy in the writing of it comes across loud and clear. Thanks for a great yarn. Mark Twain would be proud of you!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Hey, that's original and interesting. Is the octopus named Paul?

At first, I was feeling there are too many characters in a one pager. But I don't know why, I still know who is who when the octopus attacks. Probably because you named the characters by their roles instead of their names. Still, I suggest you take away some characters, such as the FEMALE GUEST and maybe WINNIE'S MOTHER.

So this is more like an incident than a story. It's alright for a one pager. You had something unexpected going on with the octopus, but that's it. You didn't take it further, probably because of the page limit.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I give you props for a story that is off the wall. It seemed to get started too late, though. Half of the page goes by before the octopus makes his appearance. I think you could have set a general wedding scene which we would all recognize in our minds with less set up and then you would have more room to explore what is going on with the octopus. I don't know if there is more to this I don't understand beyond it just being a nonsensical event? You do appear to be explaining what is going on by having the girl say these creatures are smart and curious. Maybe this script is a what if about how curious they could be. Maybe your script could have started off with a narrator voice over giving us that information then go right into the octopus doing crazy things.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Good comedic scene. The octopus going for the seafood fare and trampling guests as he does so was great. The ending dropped the excitement gauge, though, but overall this was a cool little wedding scene. Good work.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's interesting that a female guest should say "smart" about Winnie, she could explain with "I've met her already".
The octopus was fun and visual but a little out of blue.
The octopus is friendly right? Yet it smashed her father... I understand it because the father got a bat.
It's all a little hard to believe in and feels like a scene out of bigger story.
Well written.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Marks for originality. I've never seen a giant octopus destroy a wedding before.

That said, what the point? Why was Winnie so cool, calmly delivering adult-sized lines in the midst of chaos? Why would someone choose to shoot this film, what's the greater message?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't care for the title. Maybe THE WEDDING AND THE OCTOPUS or A WEDDING AND AN OCTOPUS would work better.

You could pare down the words and add more to the story. A couple of lines at least. It needs more detail.

Spelling, punctuation and formatting are good. This is going to be a bugger to film, though.

Good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

The title fit the story pretty well. It actually sums up the whole storyline. As for the story, I'm not sure what you were trying to tell the audience. It felt like you were in the middle of the story and there should have been more to come. What was the outcome of that octopus and did the two marry? This story needed at least five or more pages to go to just finish that scene. I feel you had something there, but needs a bit of work to make it work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Good job on grabbing my attention with the title.

I got a great monster movie from this, although at the end I'm still unsure as to the size of the octopus (it would be funnier if it was as big as implied by the ease with which it knocks down Winnie's father).

Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It's well written but the ending lacks resolution, IMO.

The main conflict is introduced (attack of the giant Octopus) and the script ends right afterwards. Maybe this situation is too big to resolve in just one page.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The title is ok, but I think yo can be a bit more creative with it.

This was a fun scene, but not much in the way of a full story. There is a lot of random action that doesn't really have any significance.

For me, the setting was interesting because of a family wedding I attended on the Pacific coast where there was plenty of Abalone but no Octopus!

I think Winnie was great (which also happens to be the name of my grandmother at that wedding). I loved her last line.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

I like the story because it's so weird and different. I can get past most of the questions (particularly, how does an octopus breath on dry land). Winnie stand up and stating what kind of octopus it is is a great touch. And "saunters" is a great descriptive word...paints a quick picture of Winnie.

I wondered if the "smart" in "adorable and smart" makes sense, particularly if the mother is bragging about her child. A stranger wouldn't know she was smart until she said something.

You have a good sense of the language and do a nice job of helping us visualize the situation. Needs some tightening.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Great title. Cute story idea. Well written. Nice visual style. Every time I picture an octopus, it's Squiddly Diddly. Can't help it. I don't know what else to say. It wasn't bad. Humorous punchline. Good job.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

This definitely lives up to its title.

This was a fun read, but I have a question about part of the dialogue. I don't know how the random party guest can make the assumption that Winnie is smart. I think I'd rather just see Winnie's mother do all the talking in that situation. It sounds a little more natural to have a mother continuously ramble on about how smart their child is in front of people.

Your descriptions were very clear. I could imagine everything in my head, but there's still part of me that envisions the octopus that Ed Wood used in his film, "Bride of the Monster".

Nisaar Yusuf (Level 1)

What is the core message? Octopus interfering a wedding and spares the couple while goes after the guests! Scripting does not mean that you can pen down anything you want to and can turn into a movie with a couple of punch dialogues. This is not the way to make a short film. There should be a message atleast

Nwaolisa Paul (Level 1)

The topic is nice and it is hard to think or say what the writer intend writing and i think most parts of the write up would keep the reader in suspense.Its a nice concept which i think is laudable and its a must read to to all lovers of literature and art itself as a whole.Its really nice.I believe that the writer can do better.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I think you knew what you were getting yourself into when you entered this. I absolute adore the surreal imagery, but I think the story is a little, you know, non-existant.

I think there's a way to make this funny, visual striking AND present a story.

It's just a joke, and it's funny, but that's all there is to it.
Besides that, I don't think your punchline really justifies the joke.
"I guess he's never seen a wedding before".
Doesn't work for me.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Well, you delivered on your title, giving us a wedding and an octopus. I wonder if the writer was in an altered state of mind when they wrote this?

I understand it's totally irrelevant to a story like this, but where on earth did the Father get a bat at a wedding so fast?

Your screenwriting is good, maybe a little too bulky in spots. Format appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

A scene not a story -- it really didn't have a punch line. Good formatting, pretty good flow, pretty good description, just not a very believable event. When something is this absurd it has go somewhere -- can't end with something as ordinary as, "I guess the octopus has never seen a wedding." Just leaves you flat.

Roberto Gonzalez (Level 3)

Nice! I liked the Octopus, a cool character. Probably he was hired by the groom or the bride's lover to ruin the wedding; but no, he was just curious. Surrealism is a very good option for short films. They can make the plot fresh and attractive. Very good selection of action verbs in the descriptions.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this is really a fun script. What would make it better is to have a connection to the bride and groom or to Winnie. You spend a lot of time in the first half of the page describing the setting. Really that's not as important as the characters.

However, it still is a fun script, that I enjoyed very well. The little kid in the midst of chaos, having sympathy for, and protecting the Octopus. Well done.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

That was all right. A lot of chaos but not a whole lot of reasoning. An octopus shows up and it all becomes chaos. One thing I noticed about your writing style is that you capitalize regular nouns all the time (Groom, Father, Guests, Mother, etc). You wouldn't normally do that as they're not proper nouns, but it's not really that big of a deal. Not much really to say beyond what I have already. Good luck. GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I'm sure this will find an audience but it's not for me. I don't really get the humour in it.

It comes across very random, and like I said above that will find an audience, but I'm not among them sorry. I like my surreal humour but for whatever reason, after two reads - two hours apart - I didn't find this funny.

Writing was good, although some of the action lines felt forced together due to the one page constraint.

Susan Lower (Level 2)

Too much for "more of less is more."

Large drops of description. Line where the guest says "adorable and smart". well how would she know if she's never met the girl (winnie) before that she's smart?

Something to think about.

I did however enjoy the last line about not seeing a wedding before. You could probably shorten the title and call it: Wedding Octopus.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Delightfully silly good fun. Loved the title & totally unexpected story... except it lacked any focus or character development. Still gave it a bonus point for originality.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This is a very ingenious entry, but I don't think the ending measures up to expectations. To tell you the truth, I don't know if i is supposed to be funny or not.

I've noticed that you spend a long time wuth the flower girl, and at the end you make Wynnie eat half a word so that her dialogue doesn't throw you over the page limit.

The bottom line is that I don't dislike, but I think the story needs a major rework.

good luck

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Strange little story you've got here, it would certainly be interesting to see on screen. Could tighten up the writing in places, eg. in first paragraph you could remove 'in progress' and just have music plays at a wedding. Overall a decent effort.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Although the is written well and is technically correct, there is no story here. This seems part of a larger story, although I honestly cannot conceive of a screenplay where this would happen.

The lack of an ending kind of seals this ones fate. The best I can give you is a Good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This is my second surrealist script in a row. This was pretty funny and, obviously, very original. I'd have to say this is my fav surreal script so far.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Storywise, I can't grasp it as complete. It seems more like a sequence to a larger piece. It ends abruptly on a non-convincing punchline. I'm impressed with how quickly you presented this world to me. It's brief yet described well enough to get me where I need to be without wondering where I'm at. The writing in general is strong.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 2:25 AM

Thanks everyone for the helpful feedback...especially Erich. You saved me from thinking the whole experiment was a total loss.
Took a chance out of my comfort zone writing, I thought, a mini science-fiction story. Apparently I need big-time help from the zombie experts. ("Giant Pacific Octopus" actually exist; tried to take the idea bigger.)
The joke at the end was supposed to be that Winnie was a "5th-grader," like "Are you smarter than a 5th-grader?" The Female Guest's remark was an assumption.
Oh well --

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 12:09 PM

KP, don't feel bad! This is the perfect place to experiment and try off-the-wall ideas. In fact, I think you got a great consensus opinion from most of the reviewers: 1) bizarre works, 2) tie the weirdness to a greater moral/story/theme. But, whatever you do, don't get discouraged.

I'll throw down some opinions over in the main thread on why the one-pagers were so difficult, but let me say this: you gave us an original situation. That's insanely rare, and I give you mad props for that. Do not, repeat, do not limit your imagination.

Keep it up!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2010 9:48 PM

This was so great, KP. I'm not joking one bit.
Look, we've all sat in a wedding with that little tiny evil piece of us hoping that somebody trips, somebody says something when the pastor says "speak now or forever hold your peace"...hoping that something...anything...is different than what we expect.

An OCTOPUS. An OCTOPUS ATTACKED THAT WEDDING.

I'm proud to claim my piece of that 2% Excellent. Congratulations. One of my all time favorites. Stay out there on that fringe. For real.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 10:14 PM

Winnie's dialogue was hysterical. "Prob'ly never seen a wedding before."

In hindsight, I think the best thing that would've come out of my wedding would be an octopus making an appearance.