Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

My first impression, right on the first scene is that you have created a very detailed world with laws and legends and intrigue. I really want to see where this is going.

Now we are 11 years later. Hmmm...I would recommend change his age. Make him 9, or 12, 13... a story about an 11 year old boy with powers that was removed from his parents by evil circumstances is just inviting Harry Potter comparisons that you don't want.

Okay, I am loving all the creatures at the watering hut. They are so original and interesting!


The eye thing was disgusting. That's a good thing. (or is it grawesome?)

Hehe, someone gives Ezra a vial and he just drinks it without questions - reminds me of Alice in Wonderland.

The Swampy town is very cool. For some reason I am picturing them as leafy Chewbaccas and I like it.

The Swamp-eye-rama is a little confusing. What exactly is it? The shelves full of eyes make a good visual (ha!) but what exactly are they? At first I thought they were eyes of dead people and you were looking at what they say, but Tarbie keeps talking about an actress so now I think they are just movies. Movies stored in very strange media.

The "eye movie" section is a bit weak and it kinda drags. I considered the option that it could be shot a kinda cheesy, like that's the style of movie the swampys like. That would account for the dialogue sounding so stilted compared to the rest of your script, so now I'm wondering if you did that on purpose. If you did, that would be cool, but you should explain it in the action then.

I'm past page 50 and the problem I'm having is that I'm really into all the characters other than Ezra. he's too passive. I know that's how a real little boy would act, but it doesn't make him interesting. he needs to be more proactive.

--Ezra touches his cheek. He looks at the blood on his hand
then at the cobra-durrell, hissing beside him.
Ezra touches his hand to the durrell's snake tongue. The
cobra pulls back - too late. He falls to his knees, spasms.--
Finally! That's what I'm talking aobut!

How can we tell if the bodies have souls or not? Describe what this looks like.

Flutter by babies are creepy.

I feel like I'm missing a scene. One minute Dr Jenzen is with the soul dealer and now Pal has him and iffefa is with ezra's fammily?

Pal is a woman??? That was unexpected.

Another missing scene - how did Ezra get to his family? We need to see that.

The Lioness-durrell pads up to the trapped Jezekrael, peers
at her and applies some lipstick to Jezekrael's reflection.
haha I love that.

Nice story in general. Great visuals.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is very imaginative. You have created a fantastic world with defined rules, although I may not fully understand them, I have a sense that your characters do. The talking animals, trees etc make for great fun. I enjoy the protagonist having a clear and defined goal. "Journey" stories lend them to this very nicely. Some may scoff that this story has been told before, and to be honest it has been; but the details and nuances that you bring to it are what set this apart. I enjoyed this story.

I really enjoyed this being bookended by pages of the storybook, although not unique in any way, it certainly adds to the fantasy and the closure of this particular story - it also lends itself well for franchise opportunities, which is a bonus.

Even with this being fantasy and out of a storybook, it seems a bit too melodramatic at times. A couple examples off the top of my head: when you mention thousands of glass cubes in the swamp cafe. That is so many, it's hard to picture, maybe hundreds would be better. Also when Ezra escapes death by Olu and he's kneeling by his shattered remains, you have Ezra gasping great sobs of relief, or something to that effect. This feels so over-the-top. So those are just a couple examples that stood out to me. What if you eased back a bit on the sweeping vastness and greatness of nu$bers and emotions; limit hyperbole.

Another thing that stands out to me is that I feel like your first act runs a little long. You have created a clear objective and identity for Ezra, but it isn't fully established until page 40ish. I think the blood oath and the curse are important to come out in the first act. What if you tightened up the first 40 pages and get them down to about 33 or 35? I think you can find a way to cut 5-7 pages worth of stuff from the first act.

There are typos and various small housekeeping things, but I'll email you a copy of your script that I've written notes on. The one thing I do want to mention is the use of the elipse (...). I think there are times when you use the elipse to indicate an interruption of dialog, but the elipse indicates a pause or hesitation. I believe what you want is the double hyphen (--).

Overall, this is fun and engaging. I vote this VERY GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This is a very complex script. Lots of characters with bizarre names, lots of fictional locations. Basically, you've created a whole new world here, which is extremely comendable. I admire your ambition. I guess the toughest part of doing something like that is painting a clear enough mental image that your readers can visualize this fantasy world just as much as you could when you write it. To a certain extent, you succeeded in that, but towards the end of the script, when characters begin returning, it became a bit confusing. All of the abnormal names and creatures were difficult to try to keep track of. Additionally, your large vocuabulary, coupled with the complexity of creating a whole new world, makes this a very slow read. I'd recommend toning down the prose somewhat in favor of keeping it simple.

This is the 4th and final review that I am doing for this contest.

The following information is strictly to aid you in the rewriting process and not intended to be nit-picky.

Pg 12 - Typo in description - "chisel one end" should be "chisel on one end"
Pg 18 - Extra space in description - "SALTIE, an older" should be "SALTIE, an older"
Pg 20 - Typo in Morbie's dialogue - "One? the legend" should be "One? The legend"
Pg 30 - Typo in Pal's dialogue - "Don't to talk to" should be "Don't talk to"
Pg 37 - Typo in Jezek's dialogue - "Your are now" should be "You are now"
Pg 43 - Typo in Tarbie's dialogue - "a smoke? swampies" should be "a smoke? Swampies"
Pg 51 - Typo in Ezra's dialogue - "and presto! reel it" should be "and presto! Reel it"
Pg 68 - Typo in description - "for Tarbie. he takes" should be "for Tarbie. He takes"
Pg 68 - Typo in Ezra's dialogue - "Feef! catch Tarbie!" should be "Feef! Catch Tarbie!"
Pg 68 - Typo in description - "executes a a deft" should be "executes a deft"
Pg 77 - Typo in description - "soulless girl" should be "soulless girl."
Pg 79 - Typo in description - "magical force" should be "magical force."
Pg 90 - Typo in description - "he takes a" should be "He takes a"
Pg 91 - One of the sluglines is not in all caps
Pg 100 - Typo in description - "slithers out" should be "slithers out."
Pg 104 - Typo in description - "catches his him with" should be "catches him with"


Congratulations on completing a feature! That's no small feat! I enjoyed reading it and wish you nothing but the best whenever you decide to start the rewrite process.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I simply loved the world you created and it was a wonderful story - an archetypal quest story but to me that's fine. It was comforting to know, pretty much, that there would be a happy ending.

The things that occurred to me were these (apart from the little notes below)

That the two soul-dealer killings weren't that different, that the level of challenge for Ezra didn't seem as though it was ramped up so that defeating Jezek was the most difficult ultimate challenge - in fact the killing of Olu was the most detailed, the most memorable and that was the first.

The other thing was I never did understand the thing with the eyes. Am I being particularly dim? WHY was his eye pecked out and he had to swallow it? WHY the swamp-eye-rama? Sorry for being dim.

Loved it - with those provisos!

My little notes:

Great opening for possible sequels :)

Not entirely sure about the blood imps' dialogue - serves to annoy rather than entertain and the s on the end is used inconsistently..

Love the way Ezra creates stories about his encounters with Ifeefa!

p 16 the table explodes into uproar - the word explodes gave me the wrong idea.

p 17 Tarbie reaches round space with a fountain in the centre. - a round space? p 17

p 20 - "A Siamese cat purrs on a footstool" - as blood imps are only 5" high, a Siamese cat will be ENORMOUS! So will the footstool! can not - is one word - cannot.

I think this page was pretty clunky and expositionary but I can see why you did it.

Careful with names - often they are very similar and make my head spin - Tarbie, Albie, Morbie - especially Tekez and Jezek, Tarkarez - I think they need to be more distinct.

p 23 shimmering anemone shield I think you should specify sea anenome

p 29 EXT. SWAMP'EYE'RAMA - DAY - SWAMP O RAMA - bit confusing

p 37 your are now of age after all - you are

p 41 descendent - descendant

p 58 - not clear in flashback why the Keres attack Ezra

p 59 - is Olu a soul-dealer? Not clear - perhaps CALL him Olu The Soul-Dealer? Don't refer to him as Olu sometimes and the sould-dealer sometimes.

Some soulless try? Soulless creatures?

p 43 and we still don't know why Ifeefa pecked out Ezra's eye - and he said 'you'll soon thank me'??

p 66 forrest? As in Gump?

p 71 - Two durrel's - two durrels

p 72 - She snaps it's neck, - its neck

Chris Messineo (Founder)

STORY: This might be one of the most elaborate and detailed fantasies I have ever read. It almost feels like this was adapted from a novel - there are so many amazing details. You do a wonderful job creating this complex world filled with bizarre and enthralling creatures. However, I did find it to be a challenging read. There are so many new things to discover and unfold at every turn that I constantly found myself flipping back and rereading sections to make sure I understood just what was happening. I think on the screen it would work great, but is not easy on the reader. You do a good job of setting up the quest and Ezra's goals. I liked him and following him on this journey of discovery.

CHARACTERS: Where to start. You have so many amazing characters. They all feel distinct and real in this world. You manage to give them all a depth and voice of their own which is very impressive.

DIALOGUE: Your dialogue is unique - which is hard to do. It felt other-worldly, which makes perfect sense. It has tons of style, which I like a lot, but on the down-side it also does contribute a bit to the challenges of reading the script.

SCENES: Your visuals are off the chart good. It would take a massive hollywood budget or some really amazing animation to bring this world to life the way it deserves. There are moments here that are unforgettable (e.g. Ezra losing his eye and having to eat it). That is not easy to do and it really makes this world come to life.

CRAFT: Your craft is very-good and this is clearly a polished work. It might benefit from a small rewrite and I would focus on "readability". Do everything you can to make this flow and remove any moments that might give the reader pause or confusion.

OVERALL: Great job. You have successfully created a fantasy world full of vibrant characters that we care about. I would love to see this on the big screen someday. Very well done.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

I think this is a pretty well-written script, with an interesting story to tell. However, at some points the execution wasn't as good as it could have been. The beginning certainly was confusing, but I think once the audience gets accustomed to the world that this story takes place in, things make more sense. Certainly the scene with the ice sculpture Kalinta boggled my mind at first, but after reading through the script and understanding the character, it made more sense, so that was a plus. After all the characters and creatures had been introduced, things definitely were beginning to be clearer.

After the beginning, I didn't see any more problems for a while. The pacing was really good, and the different events seemed to flow into each other seamlessly. Also, the twist with Pal got me, even after the flashback. Kudos for a successful shocker.

My only other concern was the bit about Ezra and Alinpara's eye. I don't think the reasoning about that was ever explained, especially after all of Ezra's questioning, which was pretty disappointing because I wanted to know why Ifeefa made them do that, too! Other than that, I didn't see any other problems with the plot. The dialogue sometimes feels a little stale (the main problems with Jezek; her dialogue sometimes feels a little unnatural), and there are some problems with syntax (for example, lines like: "This is my sister Rhoda and that's Phlox, he's sleeping." should be edited like: "This is my sister, Rhoda, and that's Phlox; he's sleeping."), but that's understandable. You have a very interesting story here, with a strong plot. The script just needs some revisions.

David Birch (Level 5)

i think the one question that kept echoing in my head while i read your story was "WHY?!"...over and over again things seemed to come out of the blue, for no apparent reason, that i was supposed to decipher as to the cause an effect...the writing vacillated between crisp and visual to meandering and verbose...very few adverbs (thank you) and passive verbs (ing) did keep the story moving...the challenge that you have is presenting an artificial world and in your desire to make sure the reader "gets it" you tend to describe everything in such detail that it reads like a romance novel instead of a screenplay...characters speak in scenes (pg. 102) that are not included in the description...what i would have preferred would have been to set your world (the good and the evil) up and the conflict that is going to drive your story...on page 10 the birth takes place...but we should know that the birth of ezra threatens somebody and the the reason why the child must be taken and WHY another child is substituted (and why a girl was swapped for a boy...since most monarchies crave male heirs)...then the rest of the first act should be the discovery of the swap...act two should be a series of struggles for ezra against those who are threatened by his existence...these threats and false conclusions should escalate until by the end of act two...all things appear to be lost...the reveal the leads us into act three should be logical and anticipated...not somebody pulling a magic crystal out of their pocket or a flock of birds appearing out of the sky...or, whatever...make things happen organically...one thing leading to the next...that way you won't have to rely on the constant use of flashbacks to explain what it is what we should be gleaning from what is on the page...if you are going to use that many flashbacks, i would do what they do in the show "damages" (heavily relies on flashbacks)...write the entire scene in "italicized" font...thus making it easy for the reader to recognized when we are leaving the current scene...anyway, i hope this helps a little...you write well...your story was the best of the entries i reviewed...could be much better on a tighter rewrite...

____________________EXCELLENT___GOOD___FAIR___NEEDS WORK
STORY PREMISE________________________X__________________
CHARACTERS__________________________________X___________
WRITING_______________________X_________________________
STRUCTURE_________________________________________X_____
DIALOG________________________X_________________________
COMMERCIAL APPEAL_________________X_____________________

OVERALL RATING
STORY: CONSIDER
WRITING: CONSIDER

*hard copy of scripts w/notes is available upon request of writer

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm not much a fan of this type fantasy, but I will set that aside for your story. The logline is very good. I did get to the first ten.

Right off the bat medieval images are evoked, and then mixing in things like an oxygen mask feels anachronistic.

The characters are pretty vivid, as are the descriptions. The surroundings, and vistas are brilliant. The dialogue is unique, and everything sounds quite nice. The story has an epic feel for such an undertaking to confront demons, and soul dealers by a young boy.

But such an involved story, well for me anyway, seems to lose my attention. Conversations become lengthy, and dramatic scenes find my eyelids closing. That's crazy, but it happens to me all the time when I'm watching movies.

I do like the way you have blended the language, it's a sharp mix. Comic moments are vastly improved, and I'm glad you have them.

So Ezra is a king, I thought he might be a God. Ancient God mythology and medieval era feel, you have created a unique atmosphere.

All considered, I was entertained for the most part. Good job, and good luck.

Elvira Elzinga (Level 2)

I think you wrote and original story, with original names for your characters and you give a good description of the surroundings.

Why is ifeefa still with ezra?

In beginning of story Pal already knows that ezra can’t swim and later when they are going into the water Pal asks him again. Ifeefa then says that he can swim so I understand why you bring it up again but maybe you should try to introduce it a little bit different that Pal already wants to carry him or something and Ifeefa brings it up again?

What do the marsh boats look like, because Olu appears from the cabin on a boat or is he on the land, a litte bit unclear I think. (page 57)

Why do the fish die when the dead birds enter the water (page 59).

Ezra creates strong bonds with people quite soon, he has seen Flora once and he hugs her the next time they meet (page 62).

“Flutter-by-baby” nice ;)

At page 78 I finally understand why you used “Tek” instead of what the “heck”. I don’t know how that would come off on the screen, but to me it looked like you spelled it wrong or that there was something wrong with the sentence.

Why does the crystal crumble in Krakos his hand after being in the bowl where nothing happened with it? (page 92).

I find the conversation between Sculla and Jezek too easy. No real struggle/conflict and Jezek already decides to find the boy herself (page 93/94)

In pages 111 and 112 Jezek uses the same sentence “Oh, do be quiet”. Maybe she should say something that resembles it but not exactly the same?

Also, I still do not understand why Jezek is the way she is. Why is she evil? Is she jealous of her brother Tekezrael? And that he has been left there alone for all those years is sad, but why hasn’t he done something about it, or his parents?

I do like the way you portray Jezek, cynical evil makes her come off very powerful.

I also like the way the characters evolve, they do not stay the same for the whole story.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

First off, congratulations on an amazing screenplay. What an enjoyable read. It's difficult to make good criticism of your work because it's that good.

That said, here are my thoughts.

The title: Ezra & the Soul Dealer. It strikes me as just a bit passive given the level of evil in Jezek. She's stealing people's essenses, not just dealing with them.
Ezra & the Soul Thief? Ezra & the Stealer of Souls?

Given what's she doing? How does she go about stealing souls? Why not show one of your characters having their soul removed?

The work is firmly embedded following along the fantasy tradition. The opening book scene - Fractured Fairy Tales - Rocky & Bullwinkle. Very clever and letting the audience know exactly what sort of story to expect. The alien bar room scene - Starwars. Dr. Jazen's betrayal of the king - Dune.

I think the greatest strength and perhaps weakness of the screenplay is its complexity.
It took me two weeks of thinking about your script to reach the AHA! moment where I understood why Alinpara didn't die. (The poison cures the canker sickness.) I never understood why your hero was forced to eat his eye and this connection to Alinpara's eating/missing eye. My feeling is that when one makes a paella you have to be careful not to mix too many ingredients which confuse the tastes and fight each other. All of your characters and situations are strongly deliniated. But the sheer enormity of what you've presented may become overly confusing.

The most enjoyable line for me: "Do you feel dead?"

You've given your hero some amazing weapons, especially the flaming sword. Yet he never really uses it.

Lastly, the ending and resolution. The two ancestral parents at the end, revive from their immobilized sleeps to save the day. They might have done this at any point. The hero sacrifices himself and then they step in. Somehow this ending seems anticlimatic to me. (Perhaps if Jezek had more directly paralyzed both of them early on in some way, beyond simply their implied conflicted emotions over their daughter's evilness.
I'd have like to see your hero lay down the sword and then sacrifice himself.

Hope this helps. In any event, be very proud of an amazing job!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I can't really give you any great feedback, because it's such a difficult task for me to read these type of stories. I purposely avoid seeing films like Narnia and Harry Potter because of the magical beings and rules of the world I do not comprehend, so my critique will be a brief one because it was hard for me to enjoy it.

I thought there were too many characters. Sometimes I had to go back and see who you were referring to because there were loads of them.

The beginning had a very serious tone, but then at the end it played out like a comedy. There were so many jokes exchanged, I didn't get it.

Tarby, Swampy, Albie, Lanky, so many "ee", it started to sound like a children story, but it definitely is not.

Talking about children stories, I don't understand your targeted audience. Judging by what happens in the story, this would be a rated R film am I right? And is it supposed to be animation or are all these creatures supposed to be CGI?

Plus sides: Wow, you have an imagination. The way you describe these creatures and their land in detail is as if they actually exists and you 're just telling us about them. I guess they do exists in you mind. That is way beyond my skill level and I congratulate you on that.

Your descriptions are so visual as well. I almost understood how everyone of your characters looked like and what they were doing.

Overall I thought this was a pretty solid story. Again, it definitely isn't my kind of movie, so you can judge on whether or not to take my critique serious or not. Great job.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Fantasy tales are always filled with wonder and amazement. Yours did not lack any of these at all. The creatures, the legend, the monsters – all blended together to create a wonderful story that is sure to stir hearts and imaginations.

Your land was filled with a blend of old and new, magic and modernity. I like that mix in a fantasy world because it yields unusual combinations of action and adventure, but I feel like it was lost in the second half of the story. The creatures were very interesting, especially the Swampies. Palustris own tale was very well conceived and it made the character arc in a most sincere manner. I enjoyed her story even more than Ezra’s.

The myth behind the story was not really original, but you did give it touches of uniqueness that separate it from the so-many stories and tales and myths that use the elements as gods and their children as the catalysts that lead the world to a time if suffering. The use of the crystals and the trapped souls worked well enough to give the script the air of mysticism that it required.

Your writing is terrific, filled with wonderful visual images and tense moments of action packed scenes. The dialogue was also wonderful and carried the story along quite nicely, especially because each character/creature had its own voice and personality that shone through in their speech. The way the Blood Imps spoke was hilarious.

I can see this film working so well as a CGI animated adventure, or even a traditionally animated film. The creatures and the landscapes can be more easily brought to life and the cast of characters would look great if they’re rendered by some excellent artists and software/hardware combination.

You did a Very Good job on this script and I congratulate you on completing a fine tale that can easily be remembered and seen over and over again.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is a wonderfully crafted screenplay. A lot of imagination went into it. It was hard for me to visualize all of it and some things were hard to understand but I think it's because I'm not familiar/into movies like that. I give you an Excellent for it and I'll explain why.

Structurally it's very good. Your story is one hero's journey. The story is full and beautifully fleshed. Your hero is strong and your story is very original too, I think.

Some things I'd change, but I'm not sure if you have to listen to my advise. It was not an easy read, I'm not sure if it has to be for the director/agent to like it, but I'm thinking easy reads have more luck. It had too many characters for me, some of them were introed past the mid point. Which is okay, but a bit too many for me. The visuals made it not an easy read too (like Jezek's crystalls - her daughters). One last thing - too many substories. Beautiful but too many...though you weaved them all beautifully into the main plot. And said that, I'm still not sure if you have to change anything about it.

Is it your first draft though? I'm thinking it can't be. At least you worked on it for a really long time.

Some notes I took along the read.

p20 Tarbie and MOrie's dialog - a bit on the exposition side.
p22 - Jezek is ugly, then she's beautiful. She lies somewhere? Then she rises - haven't understood that bit.
p23 - cap Durell (top)
p28 - Old man of Olu - I wonder if you will revive all the other characters I met so far. I might forget if you won't bring them up from time to time.
Also you stay away from Ezra for way too long for me.
Who is the antagonist here? Jezek? It has to be a soul dealer, who is this soul dealer?
P32,33 - I see the characters I was missing are back (Jezek and her gang) and it all makes great sense.
p35 - Omizus doesn't sound natural for some reason.
p39 - I don't understand who the SoulDealer might be. Not from their conversation. Am I supposed to understand though?
p46 - botto, Ezra's line rhymes - reads funny - not sure if that's what you're after.
p59 - Is Olu one of the Soul Dealers...- it sounds like he is. But he dies - he can't be then.
p75 - how do we recognize young Alinapa - he's way to old now to bear resemblance.
p93 - crystalls for daughters - don't know what I'm supposed to see here (and for the second time)

still Excellent I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Thoroughly enjoyed this visual fantasy. I remember the imagery of the logline and the first ten pages (scored both "excellent"). I like that the premise seems quite simple -- good versus evil, as Ezra triumphs over Jezek. Fond of frames or bookends, and this screenplay has them, literally, with the old storybook opening, the flutter of pages, and the last page as "THE END."
Many colorful locations: "Wastelands of Ice" with "white as far as the eye can see"; the "black crystal structure" of "Obsidian Castle" at Barathrum "bathed in...silver light"; and the "Swampy Commune" with green water and vast vegetation. So much more "show" than "tell."
The variety and uniqueness of the characters is impressive; unusual with distinctive voices. There are so many, though, that it would be helpful to streamline their introductions. Ifeefa is originally described as "a squat, white raven," while Lanky the Swampy comments at the Watering Hut, "An albino graven. Rare indeed," indicating that the bird is "a graven." Character descriptions are stretched into more than one paragraph. Tarbie shrieks, "Help me! Elsie!" Who's Elsie? Minor fixes, plus weeding out some secondary characters, would tighten the story more and help to keep the remaining characters and their actions straight.
I particularly like the scenes between Jezek and Tekez. The sibling rivalry comes across as familiar, but Jezek is obviously more sinister. She makes a terrific antagonist. Also like all the Durrells -- lion-head, cobra-head, croc-head, goat-head, hyena-head, but with gorilla bodies. Will look terrific on the screen. The mother Molly and daughter Molli names might confuse an audience since they won't have the luxury of seeing their difference in print or Molliandra's full name until the end.
Congratulations on finishing the screenplay. There is a lot of story to grasp, but overall it's exceptional. I am delighted to score it "excellent."

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love the title.

I'm going to do a page by page as I go here. Bear with me...

Page 1 - When I printed this out, I didn't get a page number here. FADE IN: starts no more than a half inch from the top, so there probably wasn't room for a number. Could just be my printer, though. See if anyone else notices... Actually, the same thing is on the computer version. Something needs a tweak.

Page 16 - "Tarbie struggles to lift Albie..." This is a really long sentence and needs to be broken up. You could add a comma after "uproar," but I think two sentences would read better. You switch tense in this sentence, too. And who is Elsie???

Page 17 - At the bottom of the page - "Tarbie reaches round space..."

Page 20 - Change "artefacts" to "artifacts.

Page 30 - "Don't to talk to anyone."

Page 36 - I've read through this twice, and I'm still not sure who Cilestra is supposed to be

Page 38 - "will have the power kill him and all living things!"

Page 39 - "He swipes at the imp who scarpers." Is this supposed to be "scampers," or have you made up a word?

Page 40 - "The boat party follow..."

Page 65 - " You could rip someone to shred..."

Page 68 - A comma between "down and..." " Still upside down" is a nonessential element.
Take out one of the a's in "...executes a a deft..."

Page 70 - "The trees whisper an eerie glee."

Page 90 - "he takes a deep breath..." Cap the H.

Page 91 - I don't remember what "gormless" is supposed to mean.

Page 92 - Put a comma between "why" and "Ezra." in the opening dialogue.

Page 102 - Sculla says "What it is it mother." There's the obvious there, but you also need a comma between "it" and "mother.' Sculla is addressing her mother here.

Page 110 - Ezra says, "Great Tekezrael, you have been sat here..."

Page 115 - "Blossom falls from trees."

You CAP "Armalugs" here... Middle of the page. Earlier you weren't CAPPING other species - durrells on page 74, for instance. I was wondering about that choice. See what other reviewers have to say about this.

Page 116 - I think you've done this on previous pages, but I'm not going back to search - You interchange the use of Molly and Molli. You can run a find and replace for one or the other in your writing program.

Page 118 - In Ezra's dialogue - He's speaking directly to Ifeefa, so you need a comma.

On story - I LOVE THIS!!! You have thought your story out so beautifully. I really hope some big old production company snatches this up and my grandkids get to see it.

VERY GOOD WORK!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You establish the world well in the prologue scene - we have both talking ravens and painful childbirth, magic, and medicine. It helps distinguish the fantasy world from other fantasy worlds. There's also a lot of information and backstory given, but you keep certain parts, like "the kanker" and the "death curse" mysterious, to be revealed later. I like the reprise of the storybook device on page 33.

It is a bit convenient that Ezra has forgotten his past, but it works for the story and seems less incredible in a fantasy world.

There's great imagination going into all the creatures and the world, and a lot of interesting and original ideas.

I like that you have Jezek be extraordinarily beautiful, until she has to take human form. It not only subverts the traditional folk tale correlation between evil and ugly but gives her another weapon to use against the protagonist.

I also like how Ezra is manipulated by many other characters who all have their own motivations. They all operate within moral grey areas. The ticking clock device is good as well.

However, Ezra as a character is quite annoying at the start. He doesn't listen to anyone and acts entitled to everything, even before his identity is known. I'm glad he changes by the end, but for the first half or so it feels as if he's causing trouble or saying something stupid every scene, completely taking his near-invincibility for granted.

Alinpara said to Ezra that he would find out why Ifeefa made him eat his own eyeball, but I don't think he ever did.

I'm having a difficult time picturing the audience for this film. It's far too dark and gruesome to market to children (unless you cut a few of the more graphic and disturbing scenes, although those are the best), and yet teenagers and adults might be turned off because it looks like a kids' film. There are a lot of special effects, the budget would have to be quite high, unless it was animated, which is a possibility.

Good.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

This is a well-written story. There's so much new stuff involved, but its clearly presented and easy to follow. The descriptions are vivid and paint a picture for me.

I'm watching the evolution of Ezra. Does he have an internal struggle that he's dealing with besides the amnesia? He's growing into his role as a leader, but I'm not sure what he's learning.

I was trying to keep track of whether Ifeefa's dialogue rhymed every time. If not, maybe it should. It's a great little character trait.

Great descriptions and actions. Little concise bits, easy to read.

I was a little confused by Ezra carving the ice sculpture of Kalinta. If he had amnesia, how did he know who Kalinta even was? And if he didn't know he could swim, how did he know he could carve ice. A disconnect there.

You have a good sense of the three act structure. Descriptive act one where you introduced the characters. A good turn to act two when Pal grabs Ezra. You've done this before and show great craft in your writing.

This is a great story. I wish I wasn't reading it on the last review evening, but at least I end my reviews with a bang. Great work!

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The world you've created is amazingly fleshed-out, peopled by creatures that are visually compelling and intricate. It's got the darkness and rich imagination of The Dark Crystal or the Neverending Story. At every turn, there's something wondrous. You can also see that you have every detail of your character's histories well laid out. Each one has a story that, on its own, could probably spawn a whole movie. I like the quasi-technological angle, too - the eye movies, the doctor with his semi-modern equipment. It's a lot of information to absorb, this whole new world, but for the most part, you manage to ease us into it.

There are definitely issues to address with the world-building. Sometimes introductions are too expository: "the wisest logsmith I know"..."The great Palustrius I knew". I understand "soulless bodies" from the description, but I'm not sure I'd see it on the page. Plus, I don't understand where Balustrium is in relation to the rest of the world. I started off thinking it was some kind of hell, so when bodies got their souls back and started rowing away in the boats, I felt like, "Well, where are you going?" Even if it's a magic island, rowing away across that mercury ocean seems chancy. The whole makeup of Jezekrael's castle got confusing sometimes - I couldn't quite understand how the hearts-and-crystals were physically related from the description, and later on, the description seemed to change. And there were too many characters with Ks in their names - they all began running together - Jezekrael, Tekezrael, Kalinta, etc.

The rhythm of the whole plot is a little off. I'm drawn in by the initial story of Ezra, and his meet-up with Tarbie and Pal. But then it feels like they spend twenty pages arming themselves, and learning histories, and preparing. Olu is after them, but there's no feel of immediacy to it; Pal and Ezra and Tarbie are still messing around by page 55. Plus, I'm still not entirely sure what Ezra' main motivation is by this point.

To make a comparison: Jem's goal in the Dark Crystal is clear - get the shard, heal the Dark Crystal. Same with Atreyu in Neverending Story - defeat the Nothing, save the princess. Now, their adventures take a lot of twists and turns because those goals don't have STRAIGHTFORWARD resolutions. But we get the point, and who's after them, and we'll figure out why later. You do almost the same thing, but here's the problem: it's like there are two different stories that never quite jibe. Ezra has to: find out who he is, stop these people who are after him, defeat Jezekrael, and - this one seems to have primacy - fulfill Tarbie's blood-oath. Plus there's Molli, Jonno, Alinpara, Cilestre, and many other characters whose stories never fully come to fruition. Now it just happens that these things all fit together, but not really smoothly - it's just luck that Aurora, who we find out next to nothing about, happens to be the prisoner of the people after Ezra. This pulls us in two directions as the movie comes to its climax: while we're narrowing in on the curse, we don't feel anywhere near solving the problem of Jezekrael.

This illustrates how one of the movies' strengths actually becomes a weakness: while these characters each have truly rich histories, there's way too many stories to keep track of, and all are fighting for our emotional interests. Pal's (or Fern's) revenge story is almost more fascinating than Ezra's, but it rears its head in places that disrupt the flow of the main plotline. Same with Tarbie and Aurora. I LIKE these characters, because of who they are, but their stories can be sidelined without losing what I like about them, or even without losing their resolutions. It's not good when the final line of the story is "I wish I had heard this completely different story, but we ran out of time."

The soul dealers need to be spaced out more evenly. Olu's attack, which finally gets the action going again, could come much earlier, and set up for us the idea that the soul dealers, while "big bads", are not the endgame. (It doesn't help that the title includes "Soul Dealer", singular, which isn't what Ezra's after.) That would give you time to introduce Sculla. Actually, you might consider swapping Sculla out for the crazy lioness-durell, and let us see the relationship between Sculla and Jezek. We should also have the satisfaction of watching Sculla die.

Soemtimes it gets a little hokey with the humor or reactions, (the entire ending scene is a little cornball, and screams like "TARBIEEEE" and "NOOOOO" or claims of "That's the most fearsome fighting sword ever!" make it seems cartoonish). Jezek doesn't exactly come across as evil incarnate when she says things like "Well kill them all, and get on with it!" That contrasts starkly with the exceedingly violent sequences, liek Ezra's eye being ripped out and fed to him (which isn't necessary) or children and pregnant women being lit on fire. It mostly stays in a PG-13 fantasy violence category, and seems like it should be live-action - although I don't know how a bird gets "clapped on the back" or bows.

I like Ifeefa - which is a hard trick to pull off, since the tiny, rhyming creature usually gets annoying. He actually helps, and he seems mortal. That makes up for his cryptic clues. But I'm not sure why he does hide his information. And I don't understand his connection to Ezra, or why Pal knows about it, or why Pal "loves" Ezra, at the very end, saving him.

The two locales for the final battle - the mercury castle, and the ancient party - and both fantastic. I wish Ezra had defeated Jezek himself, instead of needing the gods to come to his aid. And he had her, too - he jumped in the water, bleeding, and she jumped in after him. She should die, just like the birds in the lake. You've foreshadowed it, but you don't give us the pay off.

The mythology is rich and deep, but a bit complicated. Maybe if there weren't so many other stories to keep straight, it would have been better. Also, it evokes some sympathy for our villain: she gets her frigging finger snapped off at age ten. That's gonna leave psychological scarring and doesn't endear me to Kalinta, or Tezek.

I'll tell you this: the multiple stories thing wasn't terrible, but it felt like this needed to be some other genre, like a novel, or - honestly - a video game. Don't take this the wrong way, because I love video games. The million different plotlines with a million different characters works perfectly in an RPG. If you love all the stories and have any way of pitching it to developers, I might honestly rethink the script into something like that.

There are lots of good things in here as well. While I thought some was gratuitous, I liked the eye-imagery motiv. As I said, every creature was fresh and fascinating. Moments of revelation like the birds and the pond were both terrifying and satisfying as answers. It's a smart trick for Ezra to be amnesiac - we learn everything along with him. You give payoffs to simple actions, like how Ezra teaching the armalugs to fish eventually saves him, when they fish him out of the boat. The logline reads well - I think you've streamlined it, for the better.

You've created a vast and varied world, and I'm happy to spend time there. Tighten up the stories: or more importantly, decide which ones earn primacy in the movie. You'll end up with a tighter script that you should be proud of.

Good work, and good luck in the competition.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.

I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.

Pg 1 – It’s unfortunate that when reading scripts the first things I look at are file size and page count. In this case the file size isn’t too bad but the page count is on the upper limit for a spec script. It’ll be interesting to see if I end up suggesting cutting it down.

The first page is strong. The classical story tone is set immediately and I sense crisis closing in quickly.

Pg 4 – The prologue is dramatic.

Pg 7 – Still moving quickly along. Doing other worldly stuff has an extra level of difficulty because you have to explain what so many things look like. So far you are doing well at this but it has the unavoidable effect of making the read feel heavy.

Pg 12 – I think I’ve just realized that I was confused earlier in this. When he said he didn’t know who he was I thought he was referring to not knowing who his parents are. Now I’m getting the idea he is an amnesia victim.

Pg 14 – I had the feeling that this was going to be a Lord of the Rings / Avatar type of thing and would be rated similarly. The bird popping and plucking out his eye seems unlikely to fit with that kind of rating.

Also I was expecting that his being forced to eat his own eye would have some magical significance, but if I’m reading it correctly it’s just because they had a fight. If that’s right then I’d have to wonder if it’s gratuitously gross.

You’ve just finished the second of two flashbacks and I’m not sure if the flashbacks are moving the story forward.

Pg 17 – “I can't just leave them.” – He’s only just met them, so why not? Also for me this line has a bit of a movie cliché feel about it.

Pg 18 – “I thinks it's the Legend of the Eleventh One.” – I don’t know what reason he has for thinking this, but without support it seems like a long shot speculation.

Pg 25 – From what I’ve seen so far the inciting incident seems to be Albie biting Erza and now you are committing Erza to his quest to defeat the Soul Dealer, so it’s another big step in the story.

Pg 28 – The story is still moving along although I’m finding it heavy going.

Pg 29 – I’m guessing overcoming fear of water will be a big thing in the finale.

Pg 31 – There are places in this where I get a jokey feel about what is shown i.e. “slush-muddy”. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if it goes too far towards tongue-in-cheek then it doesn’t sit well with an ominous fantasy story. You run the risk of the different elements working against each other.

Pg 35 – The movie of their background story works okay, but I’m wondering if we need to know much of this background for Erza’s story.

“or I will cancel your party.” – For me this tips your story in the direction of comedy.

Pg 38 – Now we know the backstory in great detail, but I wonder if it is quite a contrived way to show it to us.

Also I find myself thinking that if you knew your 11th son would bring doom to the world you might stop having children at some point.

Pg 42 – The revealing of all this information is done well in that they argue in such a way as to hide the exposition of it. Perhaps there is too many of these reveals and it seems repetitive for the audience, since we pretty much know this stuff anyway.

Pg 45 – They are still statically arguing and revealing stuff.

Pg 47 – I’m getting a feeling that when I get to the end of this script I’m going to be suggesting that the story needs simplifying. If it takes this amount of explanation that’s probably not a good sign.

Pg 48 – “You can swim right?” – Didn’t they already have this discussion.

Pg 54 – I wonder if Erza’s apparent capture marks another story turning point.

Pg 57 – It’s a good intense battle.

Pg 58 – The flashback works okay although I initially hesitated at being pulled out of the action sequence.

An issue that just occurred to me is that Ifeefa bloodily wounded Erza in the cave and didn’t die.

Pg 59 – You have paid off both the fear of water and the stabbing the crystal hearts that was set up earlier. I’m guessing this is a false victory, but it feels like a big victory for the good guys.

Pg 76 – The story has been moving along well and these last few pages have particularly strong drama. I’m a little confused over Fern being alive and Pal apparently dead in the flashback, but I’m probably not understanding it correctly.

Pg 85 – “You're a... a female?” – That explains my earlier point.

Pg 91 – The action is sharply written and it is flowing along.

“Screams in rage.” – Again we are seeing the good guys score a victory and apparently rock the bad guys back on their heals. That might well work out but with the third act presumably getting underway at around this point I wonder if the bad guys shouldn’t be in the ascendancy.

Pg 94 – The discussion between the bad guys that ends on this page doesn’t work well for me. It makes them seem weak and ineffectual. Also I can’t recall Sculla appearing before so it seems odd that a presumably major bad guy should be introduced this late on.

Pg 98 – Molly/Molli – I’m guessing it’s deliberate, but having two names this similar in a script can cause confusion.

Pg 101 – “I will suck you one by one.” – Is there a different way she can describe this process?

“No, no - me.” – It seems odd that characters quit without even trying to resist.

Pg 110 – The drama and tension here are good. I wonder if they are talking a bit more than might be expected at this stage.

Pg 114 – The climax plays out okay, although it might be that a little more effort and tension around Erza’s actions would make it stronger. As it is he quickly does one thing and then a sequence of events unfolds around him that solves everything.

Pg 118 – The wrap up works fine. Perhaps it ticks a few more boxes than it needs to. Also for me the sequel set up at the very end seems a little blunt.

Overall you’ve done an exceptional job of developing a distinctive and interesting fantasy world. The story kept moving along and it had an array of solid characters and a number of strong scenes.

The writing technique reads well, although as I mentioned above it is hard not to get caught up in the need to describe the details of the world. Perhaps characters talk more than they need to at times.

I think my earlier notes probably give you a good idea of the things that troubled me with the script. I’d suggest thinking in terms of dropping 20 or so pages as you sharpen and refine this. That might sound tough but I think that the scope is there to do this and for the resulting script to be much stronger.

Other broad suggestions I’d make is to consider if it’s possible to show the bad guys gaining more advantage as things go along and to see if the finale can be made more dynamic.

Good luck with it.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

This is a story that would have probably been better written as a novel where it could have been fleshed out a little more. The script had lots of information -- many, many different characters, in many locations -- but the description seemed hurried. I had trouble "seeing" much of what was going on. Probably the most memorable scene was Ezra walking across the vast ice desert -- but the climax of that adventure seemed odd and unexplained and out of place -- and it didn't seem to fit with what followed.

The script was inconsistent on several levels. It made it hard to figure out if I was supposed to take it seriously, or try to laugh at it. For example, the villain was Jezek. We're introduced to her with a dark scene of misery -- where we find a courtyard "full of soulless bodies" who "jostle for space, aimless, eyes vacant." Okay, so this is a horrible place and this pretty good imagery. Then we get the bit about the "graven" (which, for all I can tell, is just another way of saying "raven") feeding Jezek worms (which came off as odd) and then the whole dark mood is destroyed with her dialogue, "Mmmmm. Delish." Okay, now I'm back out of it, just when it was getting interesting.

There's also inconsistency in dialogue. Sometimes it's very proper, sometimes modern jargon -- it made it hard to get a feel for the place. This is also highlighted by an oxygen mask, shotgun and romance novel showing up in what seems to be a medieval setting -- castles, swords, armor, etc. Again, that makes it hard to "see" the place. There also issues with description. Paco for example, is described as "slight" and "muscular" who resembles a "dwarfish bear." I can see the last three words working together, but "slight?" -- how does that fit?

It was also kind of hard to like the characters. Even Ezra comes across more as someone being drug along than anything else. There is a bit of an arc, but he doesn't seem fundamentally different at the end of the story than he was at the beginning. But his father and mother (the King and Queen) come across as milksops in the first scene. I would have liked to see more drama. Sure, Ezra has to go with Jonno to make the story work, but that doesn't mean there couldn't have been some kind of a struggle. Generally there seems to be a lack of drama -- we're told a lot (a whole lot) but we don't feel much. I would have like to have seen Alinpara show a little concern or sympathy when she had to take Ezra away. What we see at the beginning doesn't fit with what we see at the end.

And Pal becoming Fern? Okay, either these Swampys are different enough that we can't tell if they're male or female -- or they're similar enough that one can be a "pretty" "human-shaped" creature (as in Flora). Though, in general, Pal is probably the best developed character in the story.

There's quite a bit of "on the nose" dialogue -- the "Eye-O-Rama" felt like the shotgun and oxygen mask -- the whole concept of the eyes as video tapes didn't really work for me. Again, it made it hard to take the story seriously. Even if this intended as a straight children's story (though I think parts are too dark for that) there needs to be internal consistency. The tone and mood need to be consistent.

At any rate, sorry I couldn't be more positive. I know myth building is not easy but I think for the purpose of the script it would be better to introduce less and *show* more. And there has to be more drama to keep the readers interested. I have to feel like the character really *is* in danger.

Thanks for submitting this.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This start is BRILLIANT! I think you've done a really great job of condensing almost 8 pages into five fantastic ones. The details are vivid and the characters fit like gloves into this tale.

Great job!

GREATEST eyeball eating scene! Ever. There goes your PG rating though.

What amazingly original visuals and creatures. Also, I don't feel lost one bit. Great details. Ferrets as imp transport = witty.

Ah, see now I'd print page 20-21 and show writers how to write great exposition. Brilliant explanation through dialog.

I can't help but think that this could be shortened. For an establishing exterior it's a tad too long:

EXT. BARATHRUM - OBSIDIAN CASTLE - NIGHT
A black crystal structure rises from the centre of a liquid
mercury moat.
Everything bathed in an eerie silver light.
On the edge of the moat, mercury statues, frozen for eternity
in failed escapes, agony on screaming faces.
Behind them, an enormous courtyard filled with bodies.
Soulless bodies.
They jostle for space, aimless, eyes vacant.


There's so much more I'd like to write for this script and I feel this is one that deserves superlatives.

I'll buy a book if you write one based on this story. I'll pay to see this film and buy the DVDs.

This is Pratchett meets King and I LOVE it.

Excellent!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

A well written story, with lots of action and fantasy. Hats off to you for the imagination and details in the story. I always admire writers who can create their own fantasy world. I am so based in reality, that I have never been able to do something like that.

Your action lines are really quick, yet visual. So that you don't drag us down with long lines of description. This moves the script forward, and lets us get lost in the story.

Ezra's journey and the story is really good, it takes a while to get going, but of course you have to set the scene and let us familiar with the surroundings, but then it takes off and is a very enjoyable read.

I like Ezra, and I want him to succeed in his journey. I like the way he grows throughout the story.

Making your characters sound different than humans, is not easy either, and I liked the way you handled that. Your characters sound 'other wordly'

Like I said, I don't know how people come up with so many wonderful creative 'people' in these scripts. Your mind must be overflowing with so much imagination, I'd like to have some of that myself, but I'm too steeped in reality.

Crafting a story like this, takes so much time and effort, and I think you pulled it off really well.

Thank you for this story, and for finishing the assignment, it was well worth it, and I wish you much success with your story.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 12:02 AM

I knew this was you! Congratulations! This will make a wonderful movie.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 10/1/2010 12:04 AM

Congratulations! I know you were concerned about getting it done in time, but you did a fantastic job.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 12:07 AM

No surprise. You created a truly remarkable world. Great work, MJ!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 12:16 AM

Congrats MJ!

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 12:26 AM

This got my highest rating. Nice job and congrats!

You have quite the imagination.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 10/1/2010 12:48 AM

Whoop whoop! Fantastic job, Brit chick. Very much deserved win.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 1:22 AM

Congrats MJ!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 1:28 AM

What a great script! Congrats.

Jon Hill (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2010 2:57 AM

Very well done MJ! (:

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 4:06 AM

OMG! I'm totally overwhelmed and utterly speechless.

Thanks so much to all the terrific reviewers.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 10/1/2010 9:35 AM

Many many congrats on your win MJ!!!! I just take my hat off to writers who can create worlds like this. I have zero imagination when it comes to fantasy. Awesome win, and well deserved!!!

Claire Fishman (Level 3) ~ 10/1/2010 4:16 PM

Congratulations! I had so much fun reading your script. I think you really deserved this win.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 10/2/2010 9:05 PM

Hi MJ, I didn't get a chance to read any of the features, but I just wanted to congratulate you on your first place finish.

I followed your progress a couple months ago in the forum and remember the pressure you were under. The fact that you not only completed this under the gun, but earned the top spot is a testament to your writing ability and perseverance, and is truly inspirational to me: someone, who too often, can struggle with motivation, can't find the mental or physical strength to write, becomes discouraged, etc.

Thank you.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/5/2010 11:17 AM

Hi Paul, thanks for your support - believe me, I would never have completed without the help of fellow MoviePoets. This site is an ispiration.

I'm about to go into the rewrite process and will be posting some questions about decisions to be made and hope for some more input. I find rewriting extremely tough and having some help from those who know the script will be brilliant.

Jon Hill (Level 4) ~ 10/5/2010 4:37 PM

I'd also like to echo Paul's comments. In a roundabout way, your win has inspired me to pull my finger out and plough on with my own full length feature. Anyone who can write a full-sized screenplay has my admiration, particularly someone who can write something so good, so quickly!

Once again, well done! (:

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/6/2010 4:10 AM

Thanks Jon! Definitely keep at your feature and if you get stuck procrastinating then post on here for encouragement - it works wonders.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/26/2010 1:29 PM

Finally getting my head stuck into a re-write. If anyone's interested this was my wallpaper the whole time I was writing Ezra and is probably why he became my favourite character:

mjhermanny.weebly.com/ifeefa.html

He wasn't intended to be called Ifeefa but I couldn't land on a name I was happy with so I started by using 'eye-thief' which became Ifeef for ease of typing and the name stuck and he grew from it.

The main changes I'm planning to make are to rename Jezekrael, possibly as Silestre, rename Morbie the head Imp. Trim the Swampeyerama scene; bring in why Ifeefa makes Ez eat his own eye and actually show it working (he gets inner vision - kind of like feeling the force); punch up the ending with Ez actually defeating Jez himself; show a Soul Dealer actually taking a soul, making the deal with someone for their soul and make the 2nd Soul Dealer defeat bigger and better.