Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

You have mastered the art of story-telling. You easily showed me the whole thing, you left no mystery. It was crystal clear. The lines felt as real as the character. The only thing is the ending. I expected some surprise, but I didn't get any. You need to work on your ending.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

The story is a little too vague for my taste. I don't need to know what the monster is, or even if it's real, but George's half sentences about this mystery got me intrigued and then never paid off. I would like to know a bit more about this monster. As it is, George's comments feel like exposition.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

It kind of defeats the purpose of stashing a revolver if it's not loaded. George's pursuit of ammo does help build the suspense though.

Why did you cut to an establishing shot of the mansion after George points the gun to his head? I thought it was the next day and was expecting a reveal. It's very out of place.

I liked the setting. I envisioned the period around 1800s.

The ending felt anti-climactic. Am I to assume that George is crazy? He hallucinated the monster?

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm not sure I understand this fully. Did whatever was chasing him leave or not? Was it all in his head? I'm just confused what his motivation is. Is he threatening to kill himself and this will keep the monster from getting what he wants? Or is he theatening to kill the monster?

You also have another page to work with, I feel like you could get a little more into what is happening here. A little more set-up would help this.

Another thing that stood out for me was the word order in some cases. For instance: "George shields himself from the debris of pulverized wood as the doors burst open." This might be chalked up to a personal style preference, but I'll mention it. In my minds eye, I feel like we should see the doors breaking open, then see George shielding himself. As it is, the pulverized wood comes out of nowhere. But this is just me.

I think this is FAIR.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

A few minor typos, but nothing too significant.

This was strange. Was the monster in George's imagination then? Or was it something only he could see?

I liked the writing. The script is nice and tight. The story was pretty cool until the ending, which confused me a bit. I just wasn't sure if the monster was ever real or not. Nice job!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The room's double doors slam open. GEORGE (30s) rushes in and quickly closes the doors - repetitive - use pronouns too!

I thought this was good once the (imaginary?) monster was present - however, the build up was too long and had too many details - best to cut to the exciting bit as soon as possible.

George wipes his forehead with shirt sleeves that have absorbed only a little blood through the coat - too much detail.

being to twist - begin?

The grandfather clock stops - great detail!

resound defiance? Resounding? (still doesn't make much sense)

George is standing - George stands

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Where's the monster? Is he crazy? Seems like it? I like your descriptions. They weren't too lengthy and descriptive enough to be keep me interested. I could visualize the whole thing.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was very intriguing. Your descriptions were great. I felt the tension and I was dying to find out how it would end.

Near the end, you go outside the mansion and when you come back, it appears as though everything is okay. George is simply mad. Anyway, I think that is what is happening, but if that is the case, I'm afraid it wasn't very satisfying to me. I wanted to see George battle this monster - a monster he had sacrificed his own son too.

I think there is something very compelling here (and your craft is very good), I hope you expand upon it.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Hmm, I don't know what to think about that ending...

First though, it reads wonderfully. Very much like opening a book and following along with a story, its great. Although I must ask, why are there (cont'd) after most of George's words; it seems unnecessary to me since he's the only one.

Now about that ending, he's crazy--right?

christina

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

You write visually, which makes it fun to read. Nice set-up, packed with emotion. A little, maybe a little too much, exposition in the dialogue, but that's common when there's a lone character.

My personal opinion is that this could have been tightened up. Sounds funny on a four page script, but this one wouldn't have been hurt if it had been edited down to three.

"The knobs on the double doors begin to twist,..." and "He begins pulling..." The "begins" are not necessary. The knobs on the double-doors twist..., He pulls open drawers... This is something that stands out for me because I often do the same thing.

Only saw one spelling mistake that stood out. Formatting was good. Maybe a few too many wrylies, but I'm not a huge stickler for that sort of thing.

Nice job.

Thanks for entering. I gave this one a rating of "Very Good".

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I liked this a lot. I thought the ending was good with the contrast with the serene outside world and then the library where George is going mad!

Things that didn't work were his expressions and actions at times. At times, things like "stop it" just didn't work they seemed a little too limp for lack of better term.

Other than not having the right words with emotion, I think it was pretty good!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

First off, you have a great gift and talent for description. But your script felt very literary and perhaps a bit too wordy.

You present a delusional man, who thinks he's sacrificed his child and then his paranoia gets the better of him and this leads up to his suicide.

I don't know how else to describe my feelings about your screenplay except to say that personally the storyline itself wasn't satisfying. Please consider this. If I'm paying $10. to see a movie in a theater, watching a man go off the deep end and then kill himself doesn't seem like enough of an engaging storyline for my personal taste.

On the other hand, I greatly admire your craft of screenwriting and ability to put words together and have given you a very good. Continued good success to you.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This is a nicely done psychological thriller. I like the touches - the grandfather clock, showing the peaceful exterior, the noises. The horror comes from what he has done to his infant. I think this madness is a lot scarier than if it were actually a big, slithering monster. The tension is excellent when he realizes the gun is empty - finding the gun in the book was a nice touch, too. I was expecting him to run back to the A's to find the ammo in another book ;)
I am a bit confused about the debt to be paid, and exactly what he thinks the monster wants. He has obviously killed his whole family (this is the last time) - but his pleas to the monster made it seem like I missed something. Other than that, this is a very good script.
:)

Herman Chow (Level 5)

So George was just hallucinating all along? It it is, then I think the story is pretty thin. I need a reason why George is seeing things, especially why he thinks he sees a monster and what does the monster want.

The first three pages are visually compelling and intense. But without some backstory or explanation, it's hard to feel for the character.

The ending is similar to "it is just a dream", so it was not that satisfying as well.

Writing-wise, you wrote visually, but go easier on the parentheses.

GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

'ties the windows closed like the double doors." You didn't need to put like the double doors. We would have understood he did it in the same fashion, and it would have saved you a line.

The gun is under "Gunn" clever.

I don't get it. Was he supposed to be crazy? What was the point in showing outside the mansion right before you main character offed himself? I didn't understand that scene. I don't understand why he killed himself either. That should be cleared.

I think you write well but you could clean a few things up. Some sentences go on to a next line when they could easily be shortened and save space

I'll give this a good. I didn't get it , but for the most part this was well written.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I really liked the narrative, I thought it was imaginative and creative. I thought the dialogue could have been better. I was confused at times with what exactly went on, but maybe that was the idea. If the plan was to keep me guessing, it worked. I didn't get why he went from an insane smile to absolute fear. Not bad.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The meaning of the title is very much the whole premise of the script. I like the way it took a dual meaning, first in context with the monster then with the actuality of the situation. Well done.

The way the script takes that twist in the end was rather elegant, in a twisted way. The dialogue made it all the more meaningful and you did a great job not sounding too cliched in that scene. George's confusion at the library was also well played out, sort of added to his lunacy.

You did an Excellent job with this script, the language is clear and it flows from beginning to end like the breeze in scene 1. I didn't notice until the end that the script is also four pages long. Kudos for writing such a tight story in less than five. Certainly felt like a five-pager... LOL!!!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

You build the suspense well I think.

Felt a little incomplete, a part of a bigger story. I can imagine it being taken out of a feature. I know it's not but still. I'm left with many questions and left curious (which is perhaps a good thing) but many questions - can't be too good. Who are these people, what "bond to the family" means, why should I care for George, should I at all if he sacrificed his infant child for his own life.

Felt a bit unnatural when he said "I sacrificed my infant child".
I think the scene before the last could be described more at the end. I don't know what I'm supposed to hear, I don't see the monster but I should hear his breath perhaps.

Don't know if George shot himself. Why not the monster though - that's not explained, I think.

It's a good entry for me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The setup in the mansion's library is riveting. Terrific action, terrific pace. The detail and description sets the scene well.
Particularly like that George is introduced "in action," as opposed to a generic physical description -- he's running, slams the doors open, and he's bloody and sweaty.
Getting to "Gunn" and the actual gun could be tightened a bit. Seems George scans "the nearest shelf" and finds himself with the "M" books. Wouldn't "Marriwether" come before "Martin"? Probably would still work if George encounters the "A-B-C-D" books first, eventually making his way to the "G" books.
His frantic search through the desk for bullets is tension-filled. Interspersing the twisting door knobs, the tearing tie and flying "pulverized wood debris" with George loading the gun is quite effective.
Not entirely clear about George's relationship with the snarling, slithering monster. George is pursued, apparently not for the first time. He pleads with the creature to "leave me alone!" He asks the monster to leave and assures it that some "debt will be paid." George intimates that he had a solution and ultimately reveals that he "...gave you (the monster) my infant son!" Without any backstory, it's difficult to understand why the monster is harassing George.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good. It has just enough intrigue.

You use a lot of words without building a lot of tension, and tension is what you want here. The curtains blowing in the breeze, the desk in the middle of the room, the grandfather clock... None of these particulars add suspense or flesh out the story. They're trivial details.

I like the struggle with the opening of the gun. Very visual and a really good way to bring in action on an intimate level. It's tight and anxiety ridden.

The last two pages aren't very satisfying. I don't feel like you revealed quite enough about what was going on to make the whole thing work. You might want to get more descriptive with the last scene where George is confronting the creature. A little more background and a lot more desperation would make the closing scenic view with the gunshot more dramatic.

Turn off the CONTINUED feature of your writing program. You don't need that feature unless a single dialogue is carried from one page to the next, and that didn't happen here.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Interesting. I like how it can be seen as ambiguous whether there actually is a monster or if he's just insane.

The part where the doors were bulging inwards was especially tense.

Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I like the idea of having your protagonist make a deal with the monster, a deal that seems to backfire somehow. All the elements surrounding the deal are quite interesting but, I'm afraid, a bit confusing also.

For example, I didn't understand what was the monster's bond with George's family and why the monster had to kill them.

The last scenes seem to suggest that the monster was imaginary? (Please don't tell me it was all a dream).

Anyhow, despite all the bitching, I enjoyed reading this one. I think you should clarify the mythology a bit more, but the premise has potential.

Good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

pacy with good action. A little confusing - it's all in his head? So who killed the baby?

The 'it's all in his head' scenario is a little cliched and over used.

Some very on the nose dialogue towards the end where George is talking to the 'monster'.

Otherwise a good attempt.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Interesting action, but ultimately a pretty empty story. It's just action throughout it all without really a background to it. Sure, you give the disturbing hint that he has killed his infant son, but that's such a tiny detail, you need to give a little more. You don't have to answer anything really, but storywise we need more depth.

I do love the way you write though. Water babbles and such. Nice touches overall, specially the final sentence. But it does need some proper work on a story-mechanic.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Very good gothic description and setting with the mansion. A classic idle-rich type makes a pact with the devil. Got a good surprised laugh out of me with the reveal of the pistol in the book by "Gunn!"

George's conversation with the monster is pretty expository. I understand that you're showing us the end of this tale, and have to get us up to speed. It feels like a lot of explanation crammed in so that we can make sense of it all. We've seen this a million times before, trust us to understand the basics of a man on the run from a horrific mistake.

Plus, there's nothing exactly mind-blowing about the reveals. Again, we've seen this before in other tales of terror, so what sets this apart? The details of the chase are done very well, but they need more fresh shock to back them up.

Also - the one cut away to the mansion's exterior was strange and interrupts the flow of the sequence.

Still, well written, and good luck in the competition.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is cleverly done and has a nice cinematic element to it.

For me it is described quite heavily. I think it could be tightened up for a smoother read.

I'm not totally sure that a mental delusion counts as a monster but I'll go along with it.

“There is a THUMP from above followed by a deep SCRAPING on the wood floor.” – This is an example of an action line that could be tightened up. It could be, say, “A THUMP from above. A deep SCRAPING on the wood floor.”

I got confused by his letter searching after he said “Martin...Marriwether”, because it seems like he’d be searching for “M”.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Well written, good pacing, good drama, good characterization. Interesting story, except I'm not sure if there was a monster, or if George was just insane. The ending almost felt like a cheat. But other than that, good visual writing. One of the better stories I've read this month.

Robert Kent (Level 3)

You started off the story with some excellent action sequences.

I wasn't sure why in the end of the story you had two exterior shots of the mansion. It seems as if just one was necessary, preferably before the action even starts.

I didn't understand exactly who the monster was. Was it just his own fevered imagination, caused by something that he had personally done and felt guilty about? That's actually an interesting idea, but it wasn't clear if that is what was happening.

That is one mighty strong tie!

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

The first thing that struck me here was that this took place during the day. This tale seems better suited for the night, but that may just be a personal preference. You do insert an exterior shot of the pristine grounds, juxtaposed against the terror within, and that shot might demand a daytime scenario.

George delivers a great deal of exposition to this unseen beastie, but unfortunately, none of it is particularly illuminating. You title this piece "The Very Last" -- and George states that he is "the last" -- but the last what? Not every question need be answered, of course, but if you are going to give George that much dialogue, it seems that it should deliver on some questions instead of raising more. Particularly those concerning the actual title of the piece.

And why are his hands soaked in blood? What occurred immediately prior to this scene?

The ambiguity at the end is fine, however, leaving the viewer to question who took the bullet, and if it even made any difference. But to spend five pages raising questions without answering any of them leaves the reader less than fully satisfied. Technically the writing is sound and engaging enough, and the story itself garners a fair score.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

You have a four page entry that can actually be trimmed down to two with some more economical writing.

I love that this is a single character and one location entry. The production can be extremely simple if you had a large mansion or library.

You've also done a clever job with exposition through dialog and the creatures snarls. I get an idea about werewolf or similar creature. Again, fine.

But you have an entire fourth page pretty much just extend time for an eternity. Even if this is motivated it really doesn't work for the story and for us.

Why eke that moment so much and cut back to the outside again? Are these descriptions about fountains, shuttered windows, pristine lawns, so important?

For that matter why stretch your opening descriptions? If breeze billows the curtains of one of the windows then of course it is open.

Just mention footfalls. It naturally breaks the serenity we have envisioned by your opening paragraph.

George notices the open window. So we do too, again.

Careful with descriptions like these:

"There is a THUMP from above followed by a deep SCRAPING on the wood floor."

I know you mean the floor above. But it did confuse me as I thought how could a noise above lead to scraping on the floor he stands on?

Again, a repetition with his blood wet hands is overkill. Substitute it.

This feels a bit rushed and needs polish, and the one clever device of retrieving the gun from a book titled as such hints at your skill.

But I was left wanting quite a bit more.

Good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The first thing I notice when I read a script is its' title. And while this title pertains to the story, I think a stronger title could be found for this.

The story is similar to a lot of the stories I've read this month. Something nasty is coming and no matter what people do, they're basically doomed. While this is a general theme on most horror scripts, (usually only one person gets out alive) it would be such a welcome change to have a different ending.

You've got a lot of description in the story, that cut be tightened up.

For instance.

He dashes across the room, sidestepping the large desk in
the center, and yanks the window closed like a door. He
shrugs off his suit coat and ties the window closed like the
double doors.

All of the above could be trimmed quite easily, to make for a quicker read.

He dashes across the room. Slams the window shut.

I'm trying to visualize how he could tie the window closed with his suit coat.

What would a wet snarl sound like? I'm trying to imagine.

When George reveals he gave the monster his infant son, I didn't really care whether he died or not. He's a coward and a father is supposed to protect his child above all.

The ending was sort of unclear. Does the thing kill him? Does he kill the thing? Does he kill himself?

I'm not sure, and that spoils the story for me.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This story sounded good for a while.

Then, George starts giving some exposition that seem to risk to be too on the nose. And finally, the story ends in a completelly different place.

I don't know if I got it or not, but what I've understood is that everything is in Georges imagination.

I reach the end, and all those subjects rised during Geoges monologue remain unanswered. When I am done, I have more questions than answers, and I think that all may have in fact a very simple response: It was all a fantasy.

I hope not, as that would be a poor case of ex machina.

I like the ending. It is very cinematic. Unfortunatelly, it doesn't do for the rest of the script.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Original, but I think you could add a lot more to the twist at the end. So he's crazy, not much of a surprise there, really. WHY is he crazy, though? It's just kinda there to be a twist, no real weight is put behind it to me.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Very atmospheric and claustrophobic. Terse descriptions really move this along. A few questions I have - though I'm sure it's open to interpretation - Is George imagining this the whole time? Or did his mind break from the release of pressure? Not really need to be answered, but because it made me think (in a good way), this is one of the better scripts I've read so far. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2010 12:44 AM

You got a VG from me, but I can't remember why? Must've been good. :)

Nick Miranda (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2010 12:47 PM

Thanks for all the comments! I know where I need more work and what needs to be left alone, which is super-important for me.

I guess sometimes a WTF! moment works and sometimes it doesn't. Also, I was too ambiguous about what was going on and too subtle with my over-all message :)

If you are just dying to know what was going through my head or what is supposed to happening on screen, just ask and I'll lay it out! I was just terrified of being DQ'd so I left the whole thing open-ended--which worked for a few of you...not many, and that is what I'm going to work on.

Thanks again to everyone, especially those two or three people who thought it was "excellent," and even to those five or six who thought it was fair. Can't please'em all!