Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I loved this piece so much. I know that a monster in the guts is not a new concept, but you managed to make it work. I loved the way made them think he's a fool, then showing them he was right. It's sad that the contest was a monster vision, so I already knew he was not lying. But you are really talented and a great story teller. One thing I wish you did better is the dailogue between the minster and Tucker. I was there were more lines. I wanted to hear more from that monster.

Keep writing, you have great talent.

Antoine Mizel (Level 1)

Great piece. This was ridiculously predictable but tight and to the point. Reminded me of an old 80s flick. Very good descriptions, though a bit novel-like at times. Telling rather than showing ex. "Poor crazy-ass Tucker is no more". No need for that. We got it the few lines before. I would have like a bit more of a twist on the end rather than the "Nobody believes him, but there actually is something inside of him" bit. Seen it a million times. But otherwise very good writing.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This was a super inventive monster, I love it! It has the potential of being really scary or a little bit campy depending on how you shoot it, but those are both good options. Reminds me of Tales From the Crypt.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

"but he would look more at home on a mortuary slab." This line is unnecessary.

"not a fan of touchy, worked-up patients". This is information that only the reader is privy to. The audience will not know this.

Omit the camera directions. Those choices are for the director.

Your story is good and Morgan is an interesting character. However, your camera directions take me right out of the story. This is a spec script, not a director's script.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I sort of like where you went with this. I enjoyed the ending with the trash can lurching a bit. Of course, this could totally open a feature, and as is, doesn't completely stand on its own as a story, but I'll sort of let that slide.

I have a much larger hang-up with this: no surgical tools would ever be left in an exam room. The thing about it is, surgical tools aren't even needed. Why not have him use a pair of scissors? Tucker is just crazy enough that he would really slice himself open with a pair of scissors, it adds to the guys madness and the rugged nastiness of the incision, plus it is plausible.

Despite that major flaw and probably against my better judgement, I'm voting this VERY GOOD. I enjoyed it, and that is ultimately the key isn't it. Nice work. With some polish this could really turn into something (think, feature...).

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well. There are some unfilmable descriptions in here. Overall, I thought this was a pretty cool, unique take on the unseen monster contest. Nice work!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A man thing sort of title!

Great idea to have the monster inside someone!

ON TUCKER, WIDER - try to avoid camera angles please. Not acceptable in a spec script.

See, you say...

ON TUCKER
Tucker takes the scope and fits it to his ears. - so you don't even NEED to say ON TUCKER, It's obvious.

I liked this a lot though - EXCELLENT! Except the title.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- What's What? Really he's gonna give him a what's for.

You have an interesting style. The only time it got distracting was in the dialog. It seemed dated. I liked the story overall and would love to see the blood. Good Job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great script and story.

This was dark and twisted and I loved it. The story just flowed and sucked me in. I was curious how it would end and it felt perfect.

I especially like the image of Tucker having carved himself open to rid himself of the monster.

Very well done.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Everything about your script is solid. It reads easily, there's a good flow and an interesting story to tell, and I didn't mind the guts hanging out.

One thing, after the surgery and the Dr comes into the shot via the elevator doors, you use an INT notation. I was thinking that probably should be EXT, because you want use the opening doors to reveal the dr. In relation to the elevator we/the camera are outside of that location... Like INT CAR / EXT CAR implies we're inside/outside the vehicle, but it says nothing about where we might be parked.

Do you know it's hard writing critiques for really good scripts?
I do, christina

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This is a mixed bag for me. It's a kind of a serious story but you seem to have a natural knack for humor. "...lies on an examination table -- but would look more at home on mortuary slab." That's visual and fun to read.

"...a wet, sinister voice tat seeps through the tubing of the scope like raw sewage." That's also fun to read, but it's starting to cross the line to un-filmable.

"It is a sound not from nature -- not from the realm of the known or the sane, anyway...". That one definitely crosses the line to un-filmable, in my opinion. It's still fun to read, but you probably should have just stuck to what's filmable; "...but a cross between the squawk of an angry parrot and the furious buzz of a wasp." Don't get me wrong -- I like a little of this -- it adds life to a story, but you might just verging on the little-too-much.

The other thing that took me out is the directions. "ON TUCKER Tucker takes the scope...". You're describing something Tucker is doing, who else would it be "on"?

I'm not even sure what WIDER means. I could look it up but that takes me out of the story. If it has something to do with what you're about to describe, just describe it in my opinion.

The story itself was okay. Maybe I read too much of this kind of stuff but it seemed a little familiar to me. You definitely know how to use words, it was quick and fun to read. I guess this story just didn't grab me. But that's very subjective. It might just be my misfortune.

I liked the dialogue. It also had a sense of humor -- dark humor anyway. I didn't see anything that was on-the-nose. Nice job.

Thanks for entering. I gave this one a rating of "Very Good".

David Laffey (Level 3)

Great read, it flowed well and was easy to comprehend. Beyond writing style I enjoyed the story and the characters. You had good characterization and kept me guessing. The use of the recorder was well done too.

I guess my main issue is with Tucker. I just don't believe he'd cut himself open and kill himself to kill the monster within. Perhaps if the story was more comedy oriented I wouldn't really think it's too big of a deal, but you seem to have a more realistic/dramatic approach. Maybe if Morgan starts the script by reading Tucker's medical history and learning he was in a mental hospital we may have been more inclined to believe Tucker would actually do that to himself, this would also lead the reader to believe that the monster within is imaginary when we find out that it is not.

Nice approach.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Your title, BOWEL SOUNDS, might suggest a comedy and your screenplay is inherently funny in having this entity communicate with the patient (And only he seems able to hear him!) You might want to play up the comedic possibilities.

In any case, thank you for both a humorous and horrific screenplay that balances the two very nicely.

My only other criticism, and this isn't a strong one, is that the tape recorder struck me as an unnecessary, and unrealistic (never mind the believability of foreign entities eating people from the inside out...) and a bit contrived. Otherwise, wouldn't change a thing.

Continued good success to you.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I liked this. I think it's horror at its best, especially near the end when Morgan listened to the recordings. I can almost hear the eerie music plays in the background as Morgan gets closer and closer to the garbage bin.

The one thing I'm not too sure of is whether Tucker can still walk out of the room with his intestines hanging out. He'd probably lie on the examination bed as it'd really hurt. Not a big problem though.

Writing and format is fine.

VERY GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You don't need to tell us that his words trailed off. You already had it in dialogue.

Voice in his stomach? Hm... I guess.

"extraction tools, indeed" Is this a typo? I think it's out of place.

"wider" no need for that anymore. If you write it, I know I'm looking at it.

"It's a right mess" I don't get what that means.

The ending became interesting but then you actually ended it. I would have been more interested if this happened in the middle of your story, because we already know that Morgan is going to find the tape with the sounds of the monster.

I'll give this a good.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I enjoyed this one to the max. The script really had me wondering what kind of ending it was headed for. Great writing and dialogue had me believing it was gonna be something good and you didn't disappoint. Your ending was still dark and tense, yet you didn't have to display much more gore and gruesomeness. It was fun to imagine what devilishly small creature would make such a "bowel sound"...LOL!!! The last image with the trashcan lurching was a cherry on top, Excellently well done.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I got very excited when I read the title. It suggested comedy. It was funny in parts but I think you could push it a bit, make it edgier.

The ending fell flat - almost like there's no ending. So Tucker got the monster out and apparently died and the monster is in a trashcan, possibly - I was waiting for some kind of reveal. But maybe you were thinking that Morgan's surprise at seeing the tape would be enough of a surprise.

Morgan is not an interesting character, I think he plays a valuable part and you could rewrite with a fun, stronger Morgan.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

An original, attention-getting title. Terrific job turning the potential yucky subject matter into a story, as opposed to a raunchy potty-talk fest. Particularly like that there's no explanation of how the smart-aleck something got inside poor Mr. Tucker's abdomen. From the beginning, it's a given that there's something there; curiosity drives the read to see what's done about it.
Since "Morgan" and "Tucker" are relatively common names, might differentiate further by using "Dr. Morgan" as his character's name.
The narrative needs tightening. "As Morgan looks up, his words trail away..." is indicated with the ellipsis. "...his train of thought completely derailed" feels repetitive too. Could omit "And what Tucker hears is this" since "A wet, sinister voice that seeps through the tubing of the scope like raw sewage" is well written and perfectly clear. Good visual description of Tucker. "...on the examination table...more at home on a mortuary slab" is likely sufficient to explain his condition.
The ending is intriguing. Not necessary to spell out, "...as if something might have shifted within." Perhaps shortening a bit to, "The trash bin lurches, once" may provide a stronger button ending.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm reserving judgement on the title until I've read the entire script. At first blush, though, i don't like it...

Avoid using camera directions, especially when you don't need them. On page 2 you have "ON TUCKER" and then give a visual description that clearly indicates the camera is on Morgan. You follow the action with "WIDER." I feel it disrupts the flow of the story.

The monster is okay, but I didn't like hearing it speak to Morgan. I know you were going for raising a doubt - is there a monster or is he nuts? I just feel it would been more frightening if it were growls and teeth gnashing, though.

The dialogue doesn't reveal much about the characters. The voices are a bit flaI still don't like the title...

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The way the recorder lands so it starts recording seems convenient, but I guess it could be filmed in such a way

Maybe if you held back the audience from hearing the voice of the thing in Tucker's stomach, the final moment will much more scary. Like Morgan, we will have judged Tucker as just a crackpot.

Still, I like the idea of having something inside you that is eating you, it's disturbing. Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Nice one. Very solid entry. You clearly know what you're doing.

Pretty clever choice of premise. By puting the monster inside a character, you avoid the crappy/b-movie solution of pointing the camera somewhere else when the monster is present.

That very last scene.... I've seen this kind of ending so many times before, yet I must admit that I can't imagine this piece ending in any other way.

Just one, slight, complaint. The tone might be a bit inconsistent. The monster is one funny dude ("all you can eat" LOL) yet you've got some serious blood and gore in the following scenes. Then again, this might be product of my bias against the horror/comedy hybrid, so take it with a grain of salt.

The writing itself was pretty good. Points for style. Is this Robert's?

One of my favorites so far.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

The story was solid and the characters were well-formed. I liked how this was a very visual but not graphic piece. You also did a good job of keeping the “monster” concealed.

My only gripe with this was that many parts read like a short story, and not like a screenplay. For instance: “Morgan snatches his arm free, not a fan of touchy, worked-up patients -- but he humors the man,” and “Poor, crazy-ass Mr. Tucker is no more.” Most of these instances can simply be eliminated without damaging any of the story.

Nickolay Kolomilskov (Level 2)

Intense and very descriptive, "cherry-red swirls on the tile" great! I found it to be crossed with Aliens and ER and it to flowed from beginning to end. Only one thing I'll mention, It was a little predictable but I guess with most five page scripts tend to be, but overall it was a good read.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is a clever take on a very difficult assignment this month: The monster coming from within.

Your screenwriting is dangerously close to novelesque. Your metaphors and similes are fine, they just might be taking up too much valuable white space in your screenplay.

Not crazy about the title. It conveys more comedy, and while I know most of this is tongue-in-cheek, I think a different title could work better.

Formatting appears in order, although I would specify DAY or NIGHT in the scene-headings, regardless if there are no windows.

Didn't detect any typos.

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

There's a spark of Sam Raimi humor in this - finding the absurdly funny while tossing buckets of blood at us. Understanding that the writer isn't taking themselves entirely seriously is what makes it possible to believe a man walking around with his own intestines in his hands. I certainly didn't expect his stomach creature to start talking to him, which was the most hilarious part. (Although Tucker starting to punch his own stomach is a close second.)

You miss a big opportunity at the end, though: why doesn't the thing leap out of the trash can and eat the doctor? I know, I know, you can't show it. But at least have the can open up and the doctor scream. Your description has a lot of writer's interjections - "Poor crazy ass Mr. Tucker is no more" - I'm not sure if they add to the story. I'm not against that kind of thing on principle, but they need to affect me to merit their being there.

I gotta say: I hate that title. It somehow manages to be both mundane and grotesque at the same time, and I think it may even be a pun of "vowel sounds", which pushes it from unappealing to groan-worthy.

Still, nice job.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title's great. You got a solid concept in this and you've done a nice job of writing a contained story. It might be that it flowed a little predictably or perhaps the characters are a little thin, but for some reason I didn't really engage with it.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

I liked this one. Good writing, good mood, good pacing, good characterization. Very strong ending. The only thing that set me back a little was how the tape recorder got turned on. I think it would be more natural to have the Doctor just turn it on as he dictates into it. That may not be normal for a doctor while visiting a patient, but the recording button being pushed when it dropped seemed kind of contrived. And it made it pretty clear (probably a little too clear) that this was going to play into the ending. Other than, good, visual writing. I enjoyed the story.

Robert Kent (Level 3)

I thought that this was a pretty good idea. I noted just a couple of things, in case you wanted to develop this idea further:

Dr. Morgan seems very condescending when he's in the examination room with Tucker. You said that Tucker looks pale and gaunt and has red-rimmed eyes. The doctors I have known would take a look at his unhealthy appearance and pay attention to when the patient is screaming, "There is something in me!" A doctor would not be so dismissive in this case especially if, as it seems in this story, he doesn't really know the patient.

Also, why does Tucker give an eager nod when Morgan steps out to get his so-called extraction tools? This sentence led me to believe that Tucker was going to allow Morgan to give him treatment.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Now, this is what a monster film is all about. gore, campy, cheesy and a creature that is described well enough to let our imagination do all the filling in the blanks.

Great descriptions and dialogs, excellent pacing.

Should make top three if not first place.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

You saved me! I read this one at the very end, and after reading a lot of scripts that were basically slash and kill, here I find this gem.

I loved the creative way you 'hid' the monster from our view, but the monster is there anyway. Very clever!!

I love the dialog and the two characters. I love Tucker. He's perfect.

This would make such a great horror short, it's got that rare humor that is not easy to find in this genre, and yet it is gruesome and graphic an scary.

I am sure that would be a worst nightmare, having something living inside you.

Awesome awesome title!! I can't wait to see who wrote this. I hope it wins first place, because it deserves it.

Thanks for the laugh. I loved your style of writing, adding your own little quips here and there. YOu might get marked down for that, by the format gurus, but I loved it.

You found your voice and it works from start to finish.

Sorry to blather on, but I really needed to read something this good!

Well done. Excellent.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The first word I have is Format.

Where is your fade in? Then, you write in italics, but I don't need to be told what part of the speech to stress. Then, you give a camera direction, but this is not [yet] a movie. Then, more camera intructions. Then, more italics.

I think that you also overuse unfilmables. Some of them are fine. Ohters, such as "Poor, crazy-ass Mr. Tucker is no more", "The custodian did not lie",or "But Morgan has no explanation for what he hears next" seem to me they have no place here. They are space fillers and unnecesary work for the reader.

The concept of the story, on the other hand, is pretty good.

The story, I can see it a bit different. Your plot device, the tape recorder, feels a bit chuncky to me. The thing. at least the way I see it, is that plot devices need to be skillfully placed and used for them to really work. I'm afraid that your doesn't function as well as it should.

What is the doctor doing with it, in the first place? He just drops it and doesn't even realize it. Then, you have to drag the doctor back to the examination room to recover it. But you never set up any logic reason for him to do so. His returning, then, seem just out of place.

Then, it seems to me that once you got the doctor in the room you couldn't figure how to get the monster inside him without showing it -I may have gone a bit far ahead with that comment, but that's the route I would have taken if I was in your shoes.

Altough --

There's still one better route:

You skip the recorder. Your audience already knows what's happened when Tucker was alone. Forget about the doctor returning to the examination room -he's busy with Tucker. Get the custodian to clean the examination room... where the monster await for its next victim.

If you cut all the fat in this script, you have plenty of space o make a great story come to life. Go for it!

Good luck.

William Wilson (Level 3)

I'm sorry but the whole time from the first page to the end the only thing that was running through my head was "Alien" and honestly the writing for this story was very very well done i like your scene description and the way you worded certain things but the thing that brought your score down in my eyes was this wasnt an orignal idea?

This idea happened thirty more like forty years ago and its one of the most iconic scenes in movie history and i know there is a thousand ways to tell a story but you told this story in to similar a way? So for your writing i was impressed by for your originality and story telling ability... ehh.. kinda disappointed...

I give "Bowel Sounds" a 5 out of 10

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Fun, entertaining read. Well paced - especially the latter portion with the quick descriptions as Tucker flatlines. The camera directions (ON TUCKER, WIDER) were a distraction for me, but that's personal taste.

The tape recorder clicking on was perhaps too big a moment in the script. Maybe just say it falls to the ground and later Dr. Morgan finds that it's been recording. Otherwise it's too much of giveaway.

Good job overall.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2010 12:05 AM

Congratulations!

I loved this script and your previous entry "Alba". I really hope you enter more of our challenges.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2010 12:47 AM

This was my favorite script this month!!! I loved it.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2010 3:30 AM

This was my favorite script this month. Would love to read more in the future.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2010 8:19 AM

Poor crazy ass Mr. Tucker is a winner. Excellent job, sir.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2010 9:32 AM

What fun this month. A nice way to start the week, for sure.

A pleasure to read these entries -- though the more I read, the more depressed I became, certain my entry was being surpassed by others.

Many did not care of the title. By way of explanation, it is an actual medical term. During dictation, that is what a doctor would actually say, "Normal bowel sounds".

Kind of surprised to find so many who continue to pound the "unfilmable" drum, but I suppose that debate will never be put fully to rest. I will just say there are two sides to that debate, each with sound, inarguable points, and leave it at that.

Thanks for a very fun month to all the participants, both writers and readers. And to Chris for a most excellent site. I will try not to wait another 2 years for the next one haha.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2010 12:30 PM

Robert, you've got to promise, no bowel sounds when you answer the questions about being chosen the winner by us MP folks.

www.moviepoet.com/reply.aspx?thread=2693&forum=1#footer

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2010 2:41 PM

Ha! For the record, at one point I was suspecting you might have written "Hide". But once I read this one, I made up my mind.

Solid entry, my nemesis, hope to see some more in the future!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2010 5:39 PM

Well done Bert! Watch out Matias! :-)

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 11/2/2010 12:57 AM

Congrats Robert! Take my insanely short review as a compliment. There wasn't much to say here. Great script.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2010 7:48 PM

Loved it! Especially the unfilmables. I've missed reading your work, Bert. Congrats!

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2010 8:48 PM

Hey, Martin! Yes, it has been a while. Thanks for stopping by -- complete with a trite comment to rile the masses. Perfect haha. Clicking your name, I now see that you trotted Requiem out onto these boards. A classic. Got my first "favorite".

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 11/3/2010 2:33 AM

I think this month I was focusing on the entainment factor. You nailed that with this. I hope my review doesn't make you think, "WTF?!!!!"

W ihat was trying to make clear was that despite this violating many typical "rules", this wad an awesome read and very entertaining. One of my favorites this month. Nice job.

Regarding my comment about surgical tools - my wife is chronically ill, as such, we spend a lot of time in hospitals and ER rooms. some of that time is spent snooping into closets and drawers. I simply brought it up to give you something to think about.

Nice work!

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 11/3/2010 9:15 PM

Thank you, Brian. And it is extra appreciated given that you didn't even have a horse in this particular race.

And the only WTF is why you would think I would be, like, WTF. Your advice was among some of the most practical I received -- to be seriously considered when it is time for a new draft.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 5/21/2011 7:58 PM

Great story, very disturbing! It could have been an ep of The Outer Limits.