Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This is confusing. Do you mean the words for real or not. What kind of goal is that? Maybe it's just me, but this logling didn't give me a good insight of your story.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Love the title. I think this is a great idea but there is no conflict in your logline. Great fairytale/fantasy potential but I'm not seeing where it is going to go?

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

SUMMARY:
Superb story idea! Lovely original idea. The logline is well-written and short. Good job!

TITLE:
Good title. It is what the story is about.

LOGLINE:

IS IT SHORT?
Yes.

CAN IT BE PRONOUNCED EASILY?
Yes.

DOES IT PUT PICTURES IN MY HEAD OF A FULL MOVIE?
Very funny logline! Had me smiling, breaking the glass ceiling literally, with a beanstalk. It hints at Jack and the beanstalk, so I am guessing the girl and mother climb into the beanstalk and into corporate coffee culture and wreak havoc there. Definitely a lot of fun storytelling opportunities there I'd say.

GENRE:
Comedy, fool triumphant (see the book "Save the Cat!"). Probably aimed at children?

PROTAGONIST:
This is tricky: the mother, or the daughter? Since it seems to be aimed at children, the daughter is probably the protagonist. The audience will be able to empathize with her.

ANTAGONIST:
Corporate coffee culture.

INCITING EVENT:
They find a bean. And decide to plant it.

IRONY:
The irony of breaking corporate coffee culture with a coffee bean.

FRESH SLANT:
Definitely a very original idea.

BUDGET: (many locations, special effects, historic)
Reasonable budget.

TYPOS:
None.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: I like it. Reminds me of "Jack and the Bean Stalk".

Story: I like the hidden world angle. I'm just not sure how a beanstalk is going to help someone make better coffee.

Is the hidden world mid-town manhattan?

You have a good setup for a story, but what happens after they arrive at the magical land? Does a giant try to stop them?

Craft: Omit "mom". Mentioning her daughter implies motherhood.

Is this a typo, "in the magical world"? Should it be "into the magical world?"

Brian Howell (Level 5)

It's quirky and I'm not certain what all of it means, or how it will play out, but I'm certainly interested!

I think this is excellent. I like the title. I love the logline, and I think I love the concept, if this is some sort of fantasy, fairy tale, modern day blend/retooling of jack and the beanstalk. Very much look forward to the first ten!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is good.

The genre is pretty clearly idetified as a family friendly adventure.

The protagonist and her ally, as well as her goal are all clearly defined. We can make assumptions as to the antagonist.

There's some redundancy in the logline. If we're told she has a daughter, there's no sense also telling us she's a mom. No typos, spelling or punctuation errors that I noticed.

This is closer to a premise than an actual logline. A logline should be a succinct summary of all 3 acts in the script. This gives us a vague picture of the 1st act, but we don't really have any idea what the 2nd or 3rd will hold. Some details about what they find at the top of the beanstalk would have been helpful in getting a clearer idea of the script as a whole.

Based on what's written here, it's hard to determine whether or not this story has enough meat on it's bones to fill the pages of a feature length script or not.

Bryce Feeser (Level 2)

Yeah, that works. It has a broad market and interesting imagery. Work well as a partnership success or triumph over corporate america which works when creative enough. Good for you this actually the most promising log line I've seen yet. You could also do a spin off animation version with animals of sort.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Lovely, intriguing, quirky, different.

My first excellent!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Sounds intriguing, but very linear and easy. Where's the tension? Is there anything or anyone in their way? What happens if they don't succeed? What do they gain if they do? We need a little more. But overall a good logline and I won't be surprised to see this in the top 30.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Awesome title. I can totally picture it on the marquee.

I love this story, but I'm not sure if your logline does it justice. It's too short. Even small details can help. For example, mention that this is a 300 foot tall beanstalk and suddenly we have a much better idea of this world. Also, I would suggest losing the reference to corporate coffee culture - it's not what your film is really about and it's not what makes your script so much fun.

I hope this moves on, so everyone can read your script and I think with some small tweaks this logline can totally rock.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's too cutesy.
--magical world of Manhattan; really?
--where does a 10yr-old fit into the corporate culture...
I'd like more specifics on their conflict; what exactly is the giant coffee company threatening our girls with?

Use the twist on Jack and the Beanstalk more boldly!! It's your true hook; the baristas will keep a familiar plot fresh, but this updated take on a classic is the best gimmick.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I'm not really sure what this is about. I think the description was too brief. I know what the a glass ceiling is but I'm confused about how that relates to the "corporate coffee culture". I could be dense, but this just seems too abstract to get a picture of what's happening with this story.

Good luck.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Not sure where you're going with this one, and the style and tone of the piece feel a little vague to me. Is the "magical world of mid-town Manhattan" idealized in some way? Or rendered in animated form? What's the style and tone here? Disney? Or Tim Burton? Or...?

Also, does the beanstalk literally break through a glass ceiling or is the beanstalk more of a supernatural aid of some sort? I really like this basic idea but a few more specifics would be very helpful, because, as is, I'm feeling adrift.

David Laffey (Level 3)

This is an interesting logline, I've read it about 5 times over - and it seems like a tough script to write. It's kind of an abstract concept but I'm confused if the beanstalk is physical or is a metaphor for something else. If it is a real (physical) beanstalk I'm not sure how that changes anything in the world or corporate coffee. Beyond the "beanstalk", I like the idea of criticizing corporate coffee and making fun of it. If this is the emphasis it may turn out to be a fun comedy.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title is cute. The logline is gramatically well written, but I'm not sure if I get the story. Because it says "magical" I imagine that the beanstalk literally breaks a ceiling, but then that doesn't make sense, so I read it again and decided it is figurative, and the story is about how they use a new coffee bean to become super successful with their "mom and daughter" coffee shop.

I'm kind of on the fence with this one...

Ed Jones (Level 4)

This has all the appeal of fresh coffee.
The story has the charm of a fairytale and the logline the alliterative allure of poetry. The title is excellent; 'sprout' carries the just the right sense of something small yet having the power to push and grow into the beanstalk that will disrupt and shatter the composure of the 'corporate coffee culture' of 'mid-town Manhattan'.
'Magical' adds a touch of sparkle to a story that promises conflict but does it mean happy ever after? I'm hooked to want more.
Excellent.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This sounds like a comedy that I would love to see. The logline presents a good visual and the title is perfect. Consider deleting the word “barista” because I do not think it is necessary. I grade this entry “excellent”.

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

The title matches well with the logline, it gives it a real family friendly feel and sets a lighthearted tone. The description does give the impression that there will be some emotional scenes between the single mother and daughter, I can already see some conflict in that. I am a little confused about the "magical world of mid-town Manhattan" line, I don't understand what makes it magical.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I like the title, it tells me this will be a fun, whimsical movie. The logline sets up acts one and two well but doesn't even hint at what will happen in act three. Also, I think it is better to include the main character's names.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This logline is written in figurative language, which makes it a little unclear - I am not sure if it is literally a magical world, or if this is a fantasy type-story. Could be fun! I like the title.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

The title is okay, not too catchy but serves the script alright.

The logline itself just told me about the first act of your story. So the mother and daughter broke the glass ceiling.....and then what? They need to do something afterward for the script to become a story. Are they going to climb the beanstalk, or something menacing coming down from it? So many possiblities and you need to elude as to them.

In another words, all I get is the setup and the protagonists. You need the antagonists, conflict and obstacles in there.

All in all, this is an unique idea and I want to see how it plays out.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I had to look up barista to get the definition. The mixing of surreal/magical with the rest is confusing me. What is a corporate coffee culture? does that mean she climbs up a corporate ladder? or does it mean she gets involved in the personal lives or people, the social lives of people? I'm leaving this as good because this isn't a character I've seen before and so is very interesting to me but the logline itself is confusing me.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

A modern day Jack and the Beanstalk. Hmmm... could be interesting. Who exactly in the target audience? Is it kids? If so, maybe make the logline wording a bit more kid friendly. Barista is not a kid word.
I dig the title - clever!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: Needs more

"A single mom barista" I think this could have been more clear. It read very funny. "A single mom plumber" "A single mom secretary" I don't know, I just don't like the way it flows.

"break the glass ceiling of the Corporate coffee culture" So I thought this was a ll a metaphor, but you said it's a magical world. SO if it's not a metaphor, what do you mean? They are literally growing a bean stalk to break a glass ceiling in a coffee corporate building? And then what?

For some reason I think you have a great and imaginative story here, but I just don't see it in the logline. You need to tell us what happens in this story, and what are the consequences if they don't get it done.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title is cute. This sounds like a Lifetime movie. That isn't a criticism as most of us would kill someone to put a movie on the air. It sounds formulaic and cute. The logline definitely gets the point across.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

There's so much I love about this logline, but it is also quite flawed.

Firstly, I love the brilliantly unconventional protagonists, a mother and her ten year old daughter! I hadn't realised it until I read your logline, but I don't think I've ever seen a film with a mother and her young daughter at the centre, which seems absurd since they're certainly not a lacking demographic in the population. Also, the tone and genre of your film is represented well in the logline. And you certainly get points for describing Manhatten as magical, it adds so much tone yet I'd never thing to describe it that way in a logline.

I think the main flaw is the fact that you don't even hint at HOW they use this beanstalk, at the moment it seems illogical although I'm sure it's not in your script. Also, you never indicate any aspect of the characters internal journeys, this isn't vital but can help a logline.

Well Done, I really like it :) To be honest, I feel the logline itself only deserves a good, but since you've got my curiosity by the balls, "Very Good" :)

Joel Davis (Level 5)

The evil-twin thing sounds really soap-operaish, even for the romcom genre which can sustain a bit of that. Also I'm not sure how the twin thing connects with the internet dating angle. But ultimately the pitch here seems to be "you meet creepy weirdos on internet dating site" which is not a very new or surprising idea.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Sounds like a very nice Drama. I like the title and the fact that this is all done in a single sentence. While this all concludes that the film may really be a hit, the Logline, a very good one at that, lacks just a bit more information that could really make this a winner. As it is, the line does its job, but I am left wondering what possible hurdles would the barista and her daughter may face in the 'magical' world of manhattan.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Cut title. Is this a family film? There is something in here that reminds me of "Enchanted". I think your logline is well written and concise. I would like a bit more information about how a beanstalk helps them overcome the obstacles they face. I think if you focused your logline on your hero and the journey she goes on during the film, your might draw in more interest in your script. It sounds like it could be a fun movie. Good luck.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I dont' understand - you say it's corporate coffee culture and they use beanstalk - do they use start using regular green beans for coffee now? Or maybe coffee culture stands for something I don't know.

Ok. I wikid it - it's a special social atmosphere - I assume not so kind to regular people. But still do they physically use a beanstalk? I dont' know how to bring up this "physical" aspect of it in this logline but I think there will be some like me who don't understand.

Kirk White (Level 5)

so this is a twist on the Jack and the Beanstalk story? I'm interested in the concept but believe the logline could use a pass or two to really communicate this unique story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a fantasy, which will be dramatic as the single mom protagonist takes on the coffee corporation. Perhaps mom finds romance, and there is likely to be some comedy when dealing with a ten-year-old. Love the potential color; can envision the beanstalk and all the possible visual locations in Manhattan. Also think there's a strong aroma here from the coffee.
The title is clever and fits perfect.
Excellent logline.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

There seems to be a mixed metaphor here. I can't figure out how the visual works. The beanstalk is a real, green, fantastic image: the glass ceiling is a figure of speech. So how does this story play out? Are the corporate coffee mucketymucks actually giants in the sky? Or does the beanstalk only appear in the imagination of the 10-year-old daughter? This question could also be answered by pinpointing the main protagonist: the mom or her daughter.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

The image that comes to mind is a woman swinging a beanstalk, which not likely what you had in mind.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title.

This is coming across as a family film to me, partnering the mother and daughter against the corporate world. The "corporate world" as an antagonist is pretty vague, though. Are you planning on bringing a love interest into this? It seems natural that there would be one, but nothing's mentioned so I'm assuming not. Okay either way, but a love interest should be mentioned if you have one in the works.

Not my kind of movie on the surface, but a nicely written logline and a potential gem.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

"A single mom barista" sounds weird. Sounds rushed. There has to be a better way to say that. And is this a metaphor? Or do they actually use a beanstalk to break a glass ceiling? I don't follow it either way. And when you say magical world, is this a fantasy world? Because you follow that with mid-town Manhattan which is a real place. I really think this needs some focus. I sounds quirky, which I like. And it obviously has something to do with beans and with her 10 year old daughter involved, the title is great and really fits. But in the end I have no idea if this is set in real life or if it's fantasy. And I really have no clue what the story is about.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like this idea of adding a few magical elements to the real world. To me that's the easiest kind of fantasy to relate to.

However, it's slightly unclear how this beanstalk will help them break the glass ceiling (I'm assuming figuratively).

Still, the juxtaposition of magic and coffee corporations is original and could make for a really good movie.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Perfect. Charming title for what looks like a charming story. Just enough info to set the stage, a great contrast to mix fable (beanstalk) with reality (glass ceiling)
I gave this and excellent
Good luck

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: not sure about this - conjures up images of macrobiotic dieting and hippies.

Logline: I'm confused. They literally use one? Is this set in a magical parralell world? Or are you being figurative? Is this a comedy or a kid's tale? I can't see it being for kids with the word corporate in the logline.

What's at stake for them? What are their obstacles? Is there an antagonist? What's he want? What will happen if they don't get what they want?

What's the genre?

Not enough info here and what you do give us isn't very clear.

I would pass on reading the first ten pages.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I'm not all that crazy over the title, but it works for your story. And to be honest, I really can't think of anything else. I don't mean to be negative or anything, but yeah...maybe it'll just take some time to grow on me.

I hope to get to read through the first ten pages so I can see more of the relationship between the mother and daughter.

Part of me thinks that this is going to be more of a family film, but then again, I could be wrong. I can see this as either an animated film, or live action...and I haven't figured out which version appeals to me more.

Like I said, I'm interested in reading through your screenplay. Good job.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Since I'm taking this entire thing as a metaphor, it is hard to understand what is really going on. Usually loglines try and tell as much as possible in as clear a way as possible.

I'm guessing this is about a mother and daughter who team-up to take on a coffee industry giant...but you don't say that. And if your story is really about a beanstalk and a magical Midtown, then I'm still not sure this particular logline is effective.

Consider what is at stake for the characters if they fail. What do they lose? How close are they to actually losing it? I'm sure there is supposed to be a positive message in there, like with "The Pursuit of Happiness," but it just isn't coming across in the way I think you want.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Is this literal or just a metsphor i cant tell. I do like the logline although you dont specify goals, obstacles and stakes. Still cute and tight. Very good.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Good, I like its literal and metaphorical meaning.

I might include where and/or how this beanstalk manifests itself. Also, I might include if there's an antagonist at play here.

I do like the brevity of this logline, but I feel some more detail can be added in.

I love the idea of this fantasy story being set in modern-day Manhattan.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's very imaginative; it's reminiscent of Chocolat, in the way that food brings down the mighty. The language is evocative, and the title is cute and sets up a feeling of innocence. This pair of ladies sounds like their offense is a gentle one, an influence of yin rather than an action-movie yang.

Since the idea is so unique, I feel like I need a little more clarity as to the magical nature of this world. Is this an alternate-world Manhattan, where fantastic comings and goings are already commonplace? Is this a Jack-in-the-beanstalk sprout, and the glass ceiling actualized? Or is the magic more implied, the whole thing more metaphorical, where the coffee seems to open eyes and sprits (along the lines of Chocolat)? I need some grounding to give me a place to stand in this fantastical world.

Still, I'm intrigued, and I'd like to take a look at the first ten pages.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title has a quirky feel about it that works with your premise. I'm not sure that by itself it would get me interested.

The premise has potential. It'll be challenging to set an effective tone for this story since it seems likely to end up balanced between fantasy and farce, but that doesn't mean you can't do it.

The logline technique works pretty well. I'd suggest seeing if you could get the intended tone across more clearly since that will make it much easier to picture what you have in mind.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

It looks like a good logline, but once I finished it I realized it's actually not.
It had the shortness going for it, and an interesting, spunky title. I immediately thought of an animation, with a little girl with an adorable little face(she's actually the sprout). It directly referenced 'Jack and the beanstalk'. It had a lot of things going for it...
Then it stopped growing. It remains in the sprout phase, because I don't relly get what kind of movie it is. Do you mean a figurative beanstalk? Or is it a real one? And if it is real, what does the last part mean (the one with break the glass ceiling of the corporate coffee culture)? What have beanstalks to do with coffee? I fail to draw the connection, so it's not clear to me what happens in the movie.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yep.

2) Do I know what to expect? A light-hearted, uplifting, modern fantasy. "The magical world of mid-town Manhattan" tells me all I need to know. Nice job setting the tone.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? Mom and daughter versus the world, but their goal is just to make money? It would be nice if they had a concrete obstacle to overcome, like a rival coffee shop or something, and money was just a bonus. I was also unaware that there was a glass ceiling in the corporate coffee culture, and that little piece of weirdness weakens the logline just a bit.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? I think so, provided this is family fare. I am not sure it would draw a broad audience, and I hope the business aspects do not undermine the kiddie market. I mean, all kids could relate to "Good Burger", but how many really go to Starbucks?

5) Do I want to read the script? It sounds like a modern twist on Jack and the Beanstalk, feels fresh enough, and I like it at first glance. I would like to see where the first pages of this one lead.

Very Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the title and I like the concept. I was confused with the beanstalk part of the logline. Is this a fantasy?

I'm not sure I understand the logline and what's going on. Sorry to be dense.

I gave it a good, because I liked the uniqueness of the idea, but I couldn't score it higher, because I was confused as to exactly what this script is about.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I don't get the logline. With the use of magic and metaphor this all just became confusing to me. It reads nicely but when I delve deeper to uncover a plot I get lost. All of the clever wordplay leaves me wondering if this is even a fantasy or not.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Excellent. Sounds like a lot of fun, very nicely drawn in only one sentence.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I wouldn't say it is my type of story, but your execution of the logline -title included- is pretty good. The only thing that sounds a bit funy to me is the description "single mom barista". Regretably, I hav no alternatives, as I don't know your story. But I would like to venture a guess: The protagonist is the mother, as the logline indicates, and the ten year old daughter is just a supoting character to bounce her abilities and qualities. If that is the case, I would recommend to rewrite the logline skipping the mother daughter relationship. Whatever it is, you get a very good grade from me.

Good luck.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: I love the title.

Logline: Too little information here. What are the stakes? In a story like this, there have to be stakes, otherwise... why watch this? Are the stakes related to her daughter? Will the father come and take her away if the mom doesn't succeed? I have no idea why I should be watching this movie. Right now, I don't find the story compelling.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Mid-town Manhattan isn't a magical world... so are you saying this is a fantasy version of NYC? Or are you using magical in a metaphorical sense? What's the deal with this beanstalk? You have a lot of vague metaphors and unexplained stuff here, clarifying em would help some.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Title is good. I like the idea of a beanstalk breaking a glass ceiling, but I just can't picture how this plays out. Is this a kids movie (Beanstalks and 10 year olds make me think so)? The corporate glass ceiling sounds adult or at least not something a kid would be interested in. If this was some kind of trippy Tim Burton girl power film, I would love to take my daughter, but as it is, I need a little more explanation in the Log Line. I think if you can combine Jack(Jill) and the Beanstalk and 10,000 Fingers of Dr T, that could rock! Maybe a better antagonist in the LL beside the glass ceiling would help.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 1:08 AM

RB --
This logline should have made top 30. It's got everything.