Comments Made During the Contest

Abel Zerai (Level 2)

The title is very interesting. And the tag line explains the title very well but the story becomes more vague as you continue reading. Based off the premise though I admit that I want to know more about this would be comedy/thriller. Only try to make the logline more clear without the tagline being needed and then when you put the two together it will become a very enticing read. Things to help the logline "snow storm at the grand canyon" "get off track".... just to change the wilderness survival into something exact.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I like the title. It's interesting, the idea of something as soothing as tea in the context of a survivalist story...

The lack of punctuation is distracting to me, though I'm thinking that perhaps it was intentional.

I'm a little torn about the story. I think this has the potential to be interesting or really monotonous, depending on how the story is told and who the characters are. I'd like to see a little more indication of either or both in the logline itself.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This is a bit confusing. From tea to acid; I mean. "recipe for adventure" killed your logline. We need to know what happened to them to trigger the adventure. This how you make us interested.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

First off, you need punctuation…and I'm terrible at punctuation. In fact, that whole recipe at the top is distracting and confusing. Solar Tea is a nice title for a drug trip adventure but I just don't get enough of your story to see it in this logline.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A group of friends take some drugs while out on a trip. And they trip. Sure, things will start to go wrong. And these boys deserve all the trouble that comes their way if you ask me. Morons.

I don't think I want them to end up well actually... Things should go horribly wrong for them. Which means I can not root for them, can't empathize with them, which makes them poor protagonists I think...

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: Very unique title. It piques my curiosity.

Story: Your recipe for adventure could be anything. They could be attacked by two headed llamas for all I know. Put more details in your logline to hook us in.

Craft: You very much need punctuation and corrections for the capitalization.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The title is kind of cool.

It seems like you are missing several commas here. I was quite confused when I started reading. Or maybe you intended periods, as you've used capitalized letters. Anyway, the opening phrase is confusing without punctuation.

As for the concept, it just seems okay. A journey into the wilderness while under the influence of some pretty hard core drugs doesn't feel that fresh. But even if you brought something new to the table, you don't make that clear in the logline, as it is somewhat vague as to what happens out there. Wilderness survival.can mean many different things; it could be as dull as them sitting inside a cave starving and chewing pine needles until a rescue team finds them. It could be as exciting as fighting off wild animals and trying to administer first aid to each other. It could be a creature feature with some new mythical beast that haunts those parts. Bad guys could be after them; hunting them even. There are many ways this can go based on the logline. I think this needs a little more information to really capture my interest. This is fair.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is okay. Not super catchy, but seems appropriate for the story you've laid out.

Genre is a little cloudy. Could be drug comedy, could be survival horror, could be more of an intense adventure. It's hard to tell based on what's written here.

The total lack of punctuation at the start of this logline is surely gonig to end up costing you any chance you might of had at advancing to the next round.

The protagonist isn't really identified. We can guess it's probably 1 of the 5, but that's about it. We can also assume the other 4 would be the allies. Their goal is to survive, but what obstacles will they face? Who is the antagonist?

This is supposed to be a succinct summary of the entire script, but what we've got here is just a unpunctuated premise. To be a proper logline, you'd need to fill us in on the adventure they have, not just tell us they have one. We have no idea what happens in the 2nd or 3rd acts of this script. It seems like an entertaining premise and a film I'd watch, however based on the total lack of punctuation, it's not a script I'd be looking forward to reading.

Bryce Feeser (Level 2)

Its a descent logline but I'm sure who this would appeal to. Comedy or action? Addicts or adventurers? Addicts might make the film a cult classic 10 years from now and adventurers usually like a clear head when risk is involved so that isn't its intended audience. I'd pass. Research your topics more. Find a wider audience.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Tea Aspirin A little speed A whole lot of acid - and absolutely no punctuation. Punctuation was invented for a purpose - to help your words make sense.

I like the title and the film itself sounds fun - and the logline would be pleasing if only you hadn't economised on the essentials.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

I can picture this film already. I am not sure if it is going to be a horror or a drama (maybe a combination of both, or a psychological thriller?). I like the title; it sounds like an experimental drug. The logline presents the dilemma in an interesting way, especially the grabber in the beginning.

Charles Martin (Level 2)

Sounds Intriguing. But I am not sure about saying Accidently discoverd if you gotta tummy full of acid and an extreme sport as a combo. That's like saying the dude jumped outta plane and Accidently discovered gravity or the Rosie Odonell looks int the mirror and Accidently discoverd uglyness.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

What's with the missing punctuation? Sounds fun, but also sounds dangerous and deadly, so which is it? This isn't drawing me in. I think really it's the tone. I'm on the fence with this.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Punctuation is your friend and you need to use it. It can transform a mess of thoughts, into a coherent and powerful logline.

I think you might have a very compelling story here, but it lost in this sentence. Also, "recipe for adventure" is very vague. What happens to these five. What is the hook and why must we watch their story?

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

That opening is trippy. At first I though I was getting dyslexia really bad (sometimes I have a hard time reading in the appropriate line), and then I was like oh, it's a little song; what begins with A? But it wasn't any of that. I'd have tossed it there, but you know how this site is...

I liked like the 'solar tea' explained. And the drugs. My guess that's the recipe for adventure, but I hate guessing because my imagination is almost always better (I think I may be biased).

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Interesting title and if the logline was clearer I could understand the relevance.

It feels like an interesting setup but not really aware of the protagonists and what makes them good to watch. The whole logline seems to be missing punctuation which makes it hard to understand. You are too vague in the sentence 'recipe for adventure' because this means nothing to me. I need to read specific story points.

It feels like an adventure genre probably tailored to children.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Loadies get lost and need to survive at the Grand Canyon? It's kind of confusing. That's probably not the whole story, I just don't really know what it is.

And I'm not usually a stickler about this kind of stuff, but either you didn't use periods and have short sentences at the beginning or you're just using upper-case kind of at random.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Good

Logline/craft: The beginning isn't punctuated. It should probably have periods after each item. I wonder if you had listed this when you entered it and then the line breaks got lost. Anyway, it looks like one really long, confusing sentence, but hopefully most people will see past that. So, you have your protagonists and their journey, but only hints of antagonist(s), and no battle.

Story: At this point, this looks like just a memoir of what happened when we went down the Grand Canyon and we were messed up. While this could have funny/scary/shocking moments, without being wrapped up in a story, most readers/viewers are going to check out before the end.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

What a difference punctuation would have made. I can only think its lack is an attempt by the author to imitate the effects 'Solar Tea' has upon the brain. Or, more pertinently, this author's judgement.
I think the the title is excellent. The story gets my interest; I like 'five college friends' that 'discover the recipe for adventure' with 'wilderness survival' thrown in for good measure. And so, I imagine, would a large 'college' audience, who may not be so picky as me about a few punctuation marks.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This sounds like an interesting story, despite the punctuation errors. The first ten words need some punctuation for it to make sense. Despite the punctuation problems, I would like to read the SP so I grade this VG. Title is perfect.

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

The title sounds interesting, it makes me think that we're talkin about a sci-fi movie. But your logline is just so grammatically flawed that it's hard to read. Where are your commas? There needs to be some separation between the initial ingredients to this adventure. For instance: Tea Aspirin, a little speed, and a whole lot of acid. Overall, I just don't find this to be very interesting. I really have no idea what or who this is about or why I should care about it.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Interesting title but it doesn't give any clues as to what the story will be. The beginning sounds more like a tagline than a logline. The rest is good and concise but could use a little more details about challenges and goals.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

The title intrigues me. I am not very interested in reading about a bunch of friends doing drugs and the aftermath. I'm more interested in what their personal interactions would be like.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Whaaaaaat???? For the first few seconds there, I thought I'm not reading English. I think the missing commas and other punctuations really hurt this logline.

The "Tea Aspirin A little speed A whole lot of acid" is completely incomprehensible to me. You might want to proofread your entry before submitting.

The next part of the sentence is okay. We have our setting (the floor of the Grand Canyon), the protagonists (five college friends), and some kind of goal that is not too apparent (wilderness survival).

I suggest to use more visual verbs and nouns that can produce an image in our heads. "Discover the recipe for adventure" is very vague and I don't know what to expect out of that phrase.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I like the title. Sounds different and is catchy.
The beginning of the sentence read like it might need either periods or commas.
I like the story, I want to see more.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

commas needed. If you take out the combo list and just start with what begins, then I think it is a good logline.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: Comma's or periods are your friend.

I think your computer must have erased them or something because you have the A's capitalized, so I don't know what happened there.

The logline needs to tell us more. "Discover the recipe for adventure" doesn't tell us anything. I'm assuming this is kind of like "Road Trip" or "The Hangover" and funny as hell, but the logline doesn't tell us why.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Firstly, I absolutley head-over-heels adore the title of this screenplay, I'm not even sure why but I love it.

However, the logline does have a fair few flaws. Firstly, "Tea Aspirin A little speed A whole lot of acid", what on Earth happened to punctuation??? I'm sure this can't be an accident, but I have no idea why you'd want to format it like that.

Also, although there's plenty of vigour in the logline, I can't help feeling it's left rather under-defined. For example, the idea that the friends "accidentally discover the recipe for adventure" may give a sense of tone, but doesn't really give us any info other than that, except for the fact that the friend will instigate an adventure, something we've already assumed.

I hope all of that made sense :S Anyhow, well done. There's clearly plenty of fun to be had here, just give that logline a bit of an overhaul :)

Jessica Burde (Level 3)

Title has me scratching my head.

Logline is hard to read the first time through due to the list at the beginning. If you are going to include a list like this, please find a way to punctuate it so it's more readable. Personally, I'd ditch the list and focus on the rest of the logline.

The main sentence is interesting, and catches my attention, but could use a stronger indication of the conflict or challenge the characters face. I'm assuming fromm the phrase 'wilderness survival' they aren't going to have an easy time of it, but a stronger indication of the challenge would be good.

Story definitely catches me interest, and while I'd like a better feel for the kind of challenges the characters will face, what's here is enough to make me want to know more.

After reading the logline, the title still isn't making much sense to me - unless 'solar tea' is what they call their recipe?

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I don't know why buy I loved the title.

I think you're missing a few punctuation marks in the opening section. The beginning also sounds more like a tagline than a logline.

Does it matter that the story takes place of "Three days and two nights"?

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

First off, I think your logline needs more punctuation. Also, your logline left me with a lot of questions about your movie. Who is the hero? How does "Tea Aspirin" turn a day hike into a movie about wilderness survival? What journey does the hero go through, and what is compelling enough about it that would make me want to read your script? Perhaps focusing less on the recipe for the drug and more on the story would help strengthen your logline.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's kind of hard to understand for me what the recipe for adventure is at all - I know you give a recipe at teh beginning but I don't fully understand what it all means. At first they discover the recipe then something happens in Grand Canyon.
I'm sure there's a lot that should happen between them, maybe they even attempt to eat each other - you are withholding here!
You know - true story - three men and one boy left stranded at sea, so the three agreed to eat a boy and they did. They were saved at the end and brought to justice for cannibalizm - don't remember the rest of it - were given several years, but not liftime in prison. Maybe something like this but tell us what happened when they are in the Canyon.
--just an opinion.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I don't understand the opening of this logline. I have re-read a few times and can't make heads or tail of it. are you saying they have Tea, aspirin, a little speed and a whole lot of acid? what does that have to do with the recipe for adventure? do they brew drug laced sun tea? I think you could just spell out the story here.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama, maybe with some action adventure. It seems to be an ensemble piece with five protagonists. There's no indication that the "college friends" are all male or all female; perhaps two are a couple or a romance happens while on the hike. The Grand Canyon location is terrific visually, and could produce a variety of obstacles and dangers.
The first line of the logline is an attention-getter, but needs commas to separate the individual items. The "recipe for adventure" ending is a bit soft, especially when "wilderness survival" hints at some type of misfortune befalling the group.
The title is catchy. Assume the "Tea" beginning the logline is the "Solar Tea" of the title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

There's a shocking amount of missing punctuation. A logline should be perfect.

Drug movies do nothing for me. I'm not interested in watching bumbling idiots tackle the Grand Canyon while high. My point here is that druggies are much more fun to write than they are to watch, I think, and the general public usually agrees with me when paying for movie tickets.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title, and it seems like there could be a decent story here... but -

Use appropriate punctuation. Use periods after "Tea," "Aspirin," "A little speed," and "A whole lot of acid." Maybe an ellipsis after "A whole lot of acid..." It's really important to get punctuation correct in something this short.

Is this going to be a comedy? A drama? Does "adventure" cover it, or would another word work better to convey the genre you have in mind?

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I don't see how the "solar" ties into the title. Maybe it's explained in the story. The logline is weird. No periods between the first words? I don't know about that. The story itself sort of has my interest but I'm confused on the genre and tone. Drugs, wilderness survival and adventure. So the drugs and adventure make me think comedy but the wilderness survival makes me think drama or maybe dark comedy? If I'm not the only one you may want to rework this a little. Best of luck.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There should be periods between the sentences at the start.

"recipe for adventure"
This is a little generic. Maybe make it clearer that the recipe for adventure is the aforementioned tea, aspirin, etc.

Once I got to the idea I really liked it. Drug-induced wilderness survival sounds hilarious.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

You need some punctuation added. Looks like periods are missing after Aspirin, speed, and acid.

I like the setup, and the story sounds interesting, but you end on a very vague note. What is the goal, danger, or struggle here? Are they surviving for their life, or just accidentally surviving?

The protagonist should drive your story, so mention the college friends in the beginning, not the acid... unless the whole movie surrounds using Tea Aspirin.

It's not necessary to spell out how long the time frame of the movie is. We don't need to know it's 3 days and 2 nights... at the very least remove one of those... comes off like a travel brochure.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: I like the title immensely. It's unique, a little humourous and hints at sci-fi.

Logline: Some full stops (periods in the US)would be extremely useful and might endear me more to this. Not really clear on what the story is. Some college kids take a load of drugs and try and go on a hike and have an adventure in survival?

are the drugs the recipe? Is this comedy or action or horror? Do they find another world or are they just tripping?

Far too vague really. I want to know if this is a drug comedy or a scary drug induced horror. or action. or adventure. Clarification is always good in a logline then one can make an informed decision baout whether or not to read the scrpt.

As it stands I'll pass.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I'm not so sure about the title and how well it fits with your story. I think it might be one of those things that grows on me though.

I'm not quite sure why you've neglected punctuation until the end. There are more than one sentence that makes up your entire logline, and at first, I had a difficult time reading it. I had to insert the periods myself in order to get the right flow of the logline to actually understand what was going on.

As for the story, I think it might be an interesting movie about friends and the trouble they can get into, if the "recipe for adventure" is the recipe that you've included at the beginning of your logline.

Good luck.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

The grammar on this is terrible and lost me. I had to read it four times to figure out what the first part talks about. The logline really starts with "What begins..." and goes from there.

I don't like the phrase "discover the recipe for adventure." It is cliché at this point and I'm not really seeing anything in the logline that indicates what one might consider and adventure. Drugged-out college kids lost in the desert is boring. What is keeping them from finding their way? Are they being chased? Do they run across someone in the act of a crime? if you've seen the movie "The Ruins" you know that those kids couldn't come down from the hill because someone would shoot them. You need an element like that in your story and in your logline.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Logline could be LOADS stronger. You tried to be original here but you failed honestly. Should have gone the more conventional route. I like the premise, but theres just not enough movie in your line.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Original, but doesn't give a sense of genre.

What do the first ten words mean? You don't have any puncuation.

What I decipher as your story's plot seems interesting, although I have no idea what the "recipe for adventure" could mean. Is that literal or figurative?

I'd heed the advice you'll get from other reviwers and rewrite this logline to maximize its potential.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's an unbelievable title, almost a sweet 90s band name. Then it gets a little rocky with the unpunctuated first sentences. It almost works, like the shell-shocked grammar of an actual speed freak. But Tea and Aspirin run together as one, and it took me way too long to sort out what you were saying to actually be affected by it. (It's possible you just forgot the punctutation. I'm assuming you did it on purpose.)

The actual story has a decent setting and setup. But "nights of wilderness survival" and "recipe for adventure" are too vague, too poetic when I need real action, real motivations. I guess they drop acid and then end up in the wilderness...doing what? Is it "Dazed and Confused"? Or "128 Hours"? Or somewhere in the middle, or somewhere totally different? I get no real sense of what the story's about, other than it involves a lot of drugs.

Drop me a few more hints as to the actual story, and this one sounds like it could be a lot of fun.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is really strong.

The premise of this has a lot of potential, but as described I have only a thin idea of what the story will be. You've given us a sketch of what the plot will involve, but very little on the character story.

The logline technique is a bit brave, and for me I think I'd have gone alone for your recipe ride if punctuation had been added between the items. As it was it made me work too hard to read it.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

If you go hiking on speed and acid i'm pretty sure gonna get in alot more trouble than 'accidentally discovering adventure'. Survival and Adventure are two different genres in my book. Pick one.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Where are the periods? That is a really big problem here.

2) Do I know what to expect? Sounds like a horror story of sorts, but you conclude with the word adventure, which clearly defines a totally different genre. I thought I knew what to expect, but now I am less sure.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? We only know that these are college students, and adventure is not a goal in and of itself. Is this a fight for survival? The more I think about the logline, the less I know about what is really going on here.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? Weird title. Relying too heavily on the drug angle will limit your audience for this.

5) Do I want to read the script? Curiosity might draw me in, which is the primary goal here, and then the story may or may not keep me around. If the first ten pages is nothing but teen banter and bong hits, you will lose me for sure.

Poor.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I wasn't sure what the first line was trying to say, which is a big problem when you're trying to impress some producer with your logline. I think if you could have eliminated that line from the logline it would have been 100% better.

I don't understand the 'recipe for adventure' line.

Interesting title, that intrigues. The logline to me is fair. You tripped me up on the first line, and I am going to be curious if it bothered other voters too, or just me.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Typos? Punctuation is your friend, use it. Or get rid of the first 10 words. As written, I'm not connecting with the plot or the characters. How about:

What begins as a day hike in the Grand Canyon turns into an drug-laced, mind-bending wilderness adventure when five college friends accidentally discover the recipe for .... need something more specific (a higher level of consciousness? the meaning of life? fountain of youth?) and then add consequences about survival or escaping.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

It seems to me that you have forgotten a few periodsa, and I don't think that is very promising. With all due respect to you and your work, I don't think that I would read this script if this was the ppresentation.

Good luck.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Hunh?

Logline: The beginning makes absolutely no sense. Then I figured out you were missing a bunch of periods (I think). Wow - totally breaking the rules and not in an inventive or good way. If you took out the wrong bit and started with "What begins...", then it's almost workable. However, it's still only half of what you need. Where is the conflict? Where are the stakes? What is this story actually about? No idea.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

wtf is with the first part of this logline? Why no periods? What exactly is the 'recipe' for adventure? You talk about all this drama but don't specify anything. This feels like such a skeletal logline dressed up in fancy tinsel and spiffy lights.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Good Title, although I prefer Sun Tea (that is the term I grew up with). Gramatically this is unclear. Not sure what is going on at the beginning. I guess it is missing a bunch of periods. Even if I put in the periods where I think they go, this is still unclear: I think it is that 5 kids are high in the Grand Canyon and must fight for survival. I don't have much sympathy for them if they are all high, so I am not interested in this.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

TITLE: Love it, piques interest and relates to comedy.

LOGLINE: very clumsy at the outset for me, Caps and no commas or periods. I think the whole phrase before, "What begins..." plays better at the end, "...discover the recipe for adventure - tea aspirin, a little speed..." unless I'm reading this completely wrong, which is possible.

While the comedy is apparent, I'm wondering how far this gag can go without another element -- you have "the wilderness", but what about another antagonist? Is there another or do the friends act as both? Five guys in the wilderness, stoned out of their heads will get old really quickly unless there is something or someone to overcome aside from wilderness and drugs.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I have no clue as to why you avoided much needed punctuation, but when drugs are in the mix, there seems to a lot more going on than just a "recipe for adventure," which makes this sound like a safe family film. What's really going on? A little more meat to grab our attention and this logline can really work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Michael Hughes (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2011 1:15 PM

Thanks everyone for your patience and comments. I was trying to convey an actual recipe at the beginning of the logline and it backfired.