Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Writing is a difficult thing to show a character doing because so much of it is internal. It really is as exciting as watching someone doing dishes or vacuuming the floor. I know to us writers this process is much more than others would know. When I am in the middle of it it is exciting. But just to me. I think you may want to present what Ruth is doing in a more visual way is what I am trying to say.

I did like the last line though. It was cute.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Another good read, but again nothing of substance. Older women writes script. The End. Ruby starts out an interesting character, but deteriorates into an oddity complete with unnatural teenage speech patterns and venacular. That said certain moments made me chuckle as I found myself staring into a mirror and it does relate to me on some level.

Andrew Jones (Level 2)

I'm not too sure if I liked this. You described quite a humorous character, and the process of writing the story was quite entertaining- but the only problem is... 'Ruby (55)'.

You described, what I'd assume would be a typical 55 year old writers house... except she spoke more like a 15 year old chav*. It confused me. I couldn't put the dialogue to the face, and I'm not sure it would work on screen.

I was also hoping for maybe something else at the end, but I'm not sure what could have gone there.

You did very well with making the dialogue natural, the person was obviously quite [insert word here]**, and could get away with randomly talking to their self.

*chav might only be an English thing, but Google it to see what I mean.

**I don't have a very big vocabulary

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Very visual! Great work on that front! I felt like you could punch up the source of conflict. As a reader I wasn't that engaged with your character. I think it is a great idea especially as a writer but I am not sure what she is up against. Who is the bad guy? The story? Herself? Also there aren't any stakes presented so I don't know why she is against the clock other than she is rushing ya know?

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Quick note as I'm reading it - you have her at 55 and "looking every bit her age" - I know some hottie hottie 55 year olds so I think you might want to change that! (you never know who could be reading your script and turned off to that...no I'm not 55...I'm turning 40 but still) Instead if you want her to look old and weathered describe her that way but leave out the author intrusion.

Lose the parentheticals...esp. the one where you have no dialogue underneath.

"menopause tubby Buddha belly" - author intrusion again - however much you resent your character's archetype you can't let us be distracted by it. It's ok to have an unsympathetic character as your protagonist (I hope, mine is for this contest as well) - think "The End of Alice" by A.M. Holmes, main character is a child molester. But we've got to be drawn in somehow - show us through character action, not through your disdain for the character.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I didn't find the language/monologue to be very believable for a 55 year old woman. I don't really know any that say fuck that frequently and certainly, I don't know any that say mofo. I also noticed that every time you wrote 'fucking' as 'fuck-king'. That sounds like a porn star nickname or possibly a vibrator and was somewhat distracting.

Because the monologue felt so off, the character didn't really seem real to me and since this whole story revolved around her, this story didn't really work for me.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

Ar first i didn;t know what to make of your "crrk" noises lol. Then after a minute i realized what it was.

i liked your descriptions, thats where i think your strentgh lies in this short.The story however was okay for me, i felt it coulda been better. I liked it dont get me wrong, but soething was missing. Don't know what yet.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I like the fact that you have a female character aged 55. This age group doesn't often seem to make an appearance.

Quite often you use parentheticals when speech or the expression on her face already tells us what you want to learn.

It was a good characterisation, but I don't think enough happened in the course of the story. Something more dramatic could have happened after she killed off Hank!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

It's always interesting to me to read/watch another writer's struggles.

However it feels like there needs to be a little more to this story. The character of Ruby is vivid and I like that this 55 year old woman curses like a sailor, but your script doesn't actually have that much story to it. I think we need a little more meat on the bone.

Your style and craft are great and I think with a rewrite this could be very good.

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

Man, what a cranky writer Ruby is. It was amusing. I liked the scene with Ruby going from thinking what she had written was pretty good to it being crap in the matter of seconds. I think we've all been there! Anyways, good characterization and well written. I was amused.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Too much description in the beginning bogged the story down, taking too long to get to something happening.

What exactly was the story about? It seemed to end rather abruptly, and I was still waiting for something (not sure what, but I felt I needed something more).

Ruby was a very interesting and distinct character, but I kept waiting for her to do something, offer us some sort of drama or conflict.

I don't think the sound effects are very necessary: Crrrkkkk, THHHRRRKKK, etc. They take away from the flow of the reading as I try to imagine what the sound really sounds like.

Jacob Schantz (Level 3)

Good read and excellent description.
I liked Ruby’s character, and her and her apartment carried the script well.
I imaged there would a few scripts involving writers, and this one was one of the better ones. I think Ruby is a bit too man-ish, though. You could make this about a twenty something male, and the same results would ensue.
Her rejection of femininity would work better if she addressed somehow, if only indirectly.
Good work, though overall, enjoyed this one a lot.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

A day in the life, huh? Good account of a flustered old gal evidently up against a deadline. Some of your phraseology is odd or over-the-top: looking every bit her age?, looking superior...to all machines and humans alike? ...

Since she is working with Win95, a nice touch at the end would be a blue screen of death unresponsive to the three-fingered salute (alt-ctl-del).

John Foley (Level 4)

I could feel her frustration with the process. But it was a character I had a hard to indentifying with.

Kirk White (Level 5)

This is the third "life of the writer" script I've read so far and the second in my session today. I think you have a good character here but you've got her in an overdone situation. I'd challenge you to find another story for her. Heck even making her a novelist would be a more interesting read.

Right now I'm seeing this a slice of life and not really a story I can get engaged in other than to say, "yep...been there". I can't speak for your motivation, but writing like this always seems like the path of least resistance.

I didn't see a NEED to tell this story. What are you trying to communicate...that writing is hard? We know that...I'd challenge you to dig deeper into yourself and find that subject that makes your blood boil...and write that!

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

This feels very "slice of life" to me. There isn't a lot of conflict, but maybe there doesn't need to be. I don't feel like I have a good handle on Ruby. Her vocabulary doesn't seem to fit a 55 yr old woman.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I think you captured well the frustration of the screenwriter. There were a few typos, which are easily corrected with a good proofreading. I don't think you should have had just the deep breath under the character's name. That probably should have been in the descriptive. But overall a nice job.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Characters talking to themselves is not the best way to convey information to the audience. Visuals are always more powerful than dialogue lines, and if there’s nobody in the room to listen, the author’s intention to feed exposition to the audience becomes too apparent.

Yet I have to admit that Ruby’s curses were very creative and had me chuckling.

Although I don’t like the premise you choose –a writer dealing with writers’ block is too ordinary- I must say that you pulled it off quite nicely. And while I doubt the subject could have any universal appeal, this story has a special flavor to those familiar with the screenwriting craft.

It was a good read.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought that was tres cute. Great character. I liked it.

Oke Acton (Level 1)

I like the idea of the scriptwriter, clearly feeling the creativity and pressure of writing an interesting plot, like yourself :) However, the use of coarse language doesn't detract from your piece, but it doesn't add to it either. I personally feel it unnecessary. Colloquial and emotive language would add personality and emotion to your character, but it needs to be used strategically. Would a 55 year old woman use these terms? Perhaps yours would. But try to use it wisely. Other than that, awesome script =D Keep it up.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was pretty good.

I liked the story and the way it was written, but I can't say Ruby was too charming. I don't know, there's just something about foul mouthed older women that turns me off , haha.

I'm glad she did finish that script though. :-)

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Ruby started out okay then went for the mo-fo near the end and it lost me.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Ruby was interesting. Not like many of the other screenwriters portrayed in the scripts I've read. Once again, I hate to repeat this but generally no one, outside of writers, even producers and agents, like to read stories about writers writing and what they go through. It bores most people and bothers others. The process is familiar enough to any writer and Ruby's unique voice is maybe a way to show something different. Maybe she tries to write romantic comedy and it sucks. I liked when you had her say "Who buy's this crap?" -- Its buys, btw, without the comma. But maybe she starts to write porn or something, maybe a book on neatness and organization, something to contrast her filthy living surroundings. That way she could move the story with what she writes rather than how she writes.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I could visualize this pretty well. Good descriptions.

Personally, I felt like there was excessive profanity, which I am not offended by, but was distrated by. I thought it was unnecessary.

Nice title. I hope this isn't what you go through when you have writer's block!

Russ Meyer (Level 1)

Realistic. Captures the mood. Liked the cloud of dust rising from the couch.

Consider a wider variety of vocabulary. Four letter words can seem repetitious, without revealing new info to the audience.

Congratulations, and keep writing!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm giving this a 'Good' because the story and the whole thing is great. However the use of profanity just took me out of the story. I think this would be a top notch short film if not for all the F bombs. Does Ruby need them? I mean, I really laughed out loud at this script many times, but the use of the language would make it a hard sell. Couldnt she just say Damn or Hell? She's such a colorful personality anyway, she doesn't need anything added. This was one of my favorites even with the naughty words. Please consider changing them and I think you'll have an outstanding funny amazing short!!

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I loved the written descriptions, very nice. However, the dialog didn't seem right for a 55 year old woman. I loved the story, but I think the profanity was a little over the top. For me, it took slightly away from the story. I'm not offended in anyway with the profanity used here, I just thought it was used in excess for a nicely written story.

I hope that made sense.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Too novelish for my liking, filled with superfluous details that go nowhere and unnecessary profanity. I also could not sympathetize with the protagonist; any writer that's this frustrated needs to step away from the keyboard & take an Ambien.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Miss Ruby needs to get on board with Fly Lady. She'll help get her act together.

Loved this short.

Great description and an unusual character although some story elements struck a little closer to home than I care to admit...(I'm cleaning my desk after this review)...Glad she got to deal with Hank in the only way she knew how, and that's how it goes, buddy boy...git r done.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Well, you certainly picked a topic near and dear to your audience's heart. I think the main problem I have is that there's not enough of a story. We can certainly relate to this woman, problem is that seems to be the only reason for this script to exist. I really think there needs to be some sort of storyline beyond "Writer struggles to finsih a script. Writer finishes script."

One small thing that kind of bugged me was all the sounds effects. It almost felt like reading a radio play in parts.

William Coleman (Level 5)

While you write this from a woman's poiny of view, this sort of anguish and fighting to get something down is with all of us. We divert, procastinate, and hope that it will happen. Then one of our characters resists what we want them to do.

This is all too true. I make it a high 4. One suggestion: Perhaps a little more of a fight with the character Hank in getting him to jump. It would give a little thrust in the middle to move your story with more intensity.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2007 9:36 AM

Congratulations on your first MoviePoet.com entry. I hope you found some of the comments helpful. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2007 7:16 PM

Dawn, I thought Ruby was a really interesting character. I know the gang from the SoCal writers Group will help you a lot. Like Chris, I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff. Keep at it.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2007 9:17 PM

Thank you Chris and Rick for your time and attention after the fact.

I have good news. I am in a class right now at UCLA online and the bad news is I am learning "structure" and hating it. The good news - I can see where it will help. I am writing treatments with Acts and turning points and mid points, etc. Its all very difficult but I feel I am learning so much.

I think I can manage to put some structure in the Christmas Present. I don't think I did in this months, but I do like the "3 item" script that I wrote and I hope you will give me your opinions on it as well!

Thanks so much!!!

dmc

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/7/2007 7:36 AM

I just read the rewrite.

It seems like a nice polish, with just a few small changes here and there. I like the dialogue changes, it feels a little more natural now. That is a definite improvement.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/7/2007 9:42 AM

Hi Dawn
I like the changes! I read both again to compare. One thing I noticed that you might want to consider is to write more in the present tense.

A few examples below. I find that this makes the scripts flow a lot better.

Ruby is standing in front of the refrigerator with the door
wide open looking at nothing in particular, just staring,
transfixed by the small light.

Ruby slouches in front of the refrigerator. The door open wide, she stares at nothing particular, transfixed by the small light.

Ruby is sleeping on top of the rumpled covers of her single
bed wearing the same sloppy clothes.

Ruby sleeps on top of the rumpled covers....


Instead of

is sleeping

sleeps

Instead of

is typing

types.

I love this script! I love Ruby! This is a great story and has lots packed into it.
One thing I'd do is cut down the description just a little, you can say a lot with a few words.

I thought the rewrite worked very well. I enjoyed it.

Scott Thompson (Level 0) ~ 11/7/2007 10:11 AM

Dawn, I'm new here, but I did read your rewritten version and do like it. Your main character is terrific. My emotional response to reading the script is that I would have preferred seeing and hearing more of Ruby and less of the descriptive set-ups. Directors are notorious for disliking too much description. As someone who both writes and directs films, I like Ruby so much that I don't want the descriptions to get in her way too much, if that makes sense. It's as if one extra line of description means one less line of Ruby herself. She's a great character who could be, played by the right actress, be memorable for a long time.

Adam Grage (Level 4) ~ 11/15/2007 5:16 PM

Dawn--it was a refreshing rewrite I think. Ruby is so anti-55 and I like that about her. I don't care what others are saying that she dioesnt fit the stereotypical 55 year old. Thank god she doesn't. Wouldn't that be boring if she was? She comes across wonderfully.

I would work on the descriptions. These would be great for a book. But on a screenplay they make my eyes bleed and I mostly just skim them. Find the meat and cut the fat.

Some people might not have liked the last line but I rather enjoyed too. I might consider putting that back in.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 7/8/2011 8:52 PM

This was my first Moviepoet entry and I have never laughed so hard as I just did re-reading it for the first time since the month I wrote it.

Wow! Horrible! Horrible, horrible!!! LOL

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 7/8/2011 8:53 PM

I am afraid to go back and read the rest of my entries that I have hidden from view (for good reason LOL) but you know what....it really is a process! chuckles

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/10/2011 11:51 AM

It's great you're back with fresh enthusiasm. I think we've all grown as writers through being here.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 7/10/2011 1:38 PM

Thank you Caroline, it is good to be back! I am so glad many of the writers are still here.