Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Very good story, very well written! The medieval atmosphere it evoked was wonderful! A real witch, scary stuff!

Don't know what to add other than that, sorry... It was just perfect.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Well written, formatted well, didn't spot any grammatical errors or typos.

Locations described fine, characters believable, dialogue flowed freely and appeared relevant to the plot.

Wasn't quite sure about the piece where the townsfolk would believe the old woman would turn a child into a rat, nonetheless, fast paced action kept the whole piece very interesting.

Good effort.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Very entertaining.

First off, "Abigail thrushes through the woods". Thrush is either a type of fungal infection or a bird, perhaps you meant 'rushes'?

Anyway, there was some good twists here. I thought it actually felt a little disjointed. First reason is the girls can really only claim their friend was turned into a rat if nobody can find the body. Perhaps show the body either dislodge and float down stream, or show it sink. Another reason it felt disjointed was the sudden time change. We went from the girls stumbling upon the witch to the trial. A solution there would be to cut the trial and have some villagers here the girl's screaming and rush in and find them. Not too big a deal though.

I liked the witch the best, she kicked ass.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I directed "The Crucible" a few years ago, so I was psyched to read this.

It's sort of a modern horror version. I don't mind the horror so much, but it doesn't feel like it takes place in the time you want. Lines like "Holy Shit" feel out of place.

I think if you can capture the feel and mood of the time, this will actually be creepier and scarier.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

Cool title.

The story was different. I haven't seen a compelling Puritan-era screenplay before. I thought it was well-written, but I wasn't totally into the story. I thought her actually being a witch was pretty predictable. In fact, I think having her not be a witch would've been predictable, too. I think you just needed a stronger twist. However, the last line is a bit chilling, so at least you leave off with a good cliffhanger.

Like I said, well-written. The dialogue was pretty timely (except for the man screaming 'Holy shit!'... I don't think they were yelling that back then, haha), and there was a good pace to it.

I think you could've gone off in a more interesting direction, but for what you have here, I think is pretty good.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

An almost perfect script telling an almost perfectly satisfying story. It is a pity that you could not quite bring it to an end. As it is it seems more like the start to a larger tale, but still a very good read.

'equally plain' is redundant. We already have 'matching attire'.
'thrushes' = thrashes?
'Fell victim...' As this is a run on from 'age seven...' perhaps capital not needed?
'CALAMITY' = clamor?
'stares' = the crowd stare

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Not only was your screenplay one good romp of a story, but it was actually very entertaining and actually fun to read. An engaging set up, good development and a terrific open-ended ending.

My best criticism is that your one line "Holy shit" sounds anachronistic and too modern for your period setting. Something along the lines of "Holy Mother of God protect us" might work better?

Hope these thoughts are helpful.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

summary: two children accuse a woman of being a witch

deja vu: is she dead? fit well with story

comments: abigail was a great evil child * more story than most * good twist and reverse twist (get it? pitchfork... twist...)* holy shit line was good * narrative felt forced, e g opening line "A river flows along an embankment alongside dense forest." * dialogue a bit on the nose

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

I'm a little miffed by this. There is a really strange moral too this story which suggests that women living alone in the words deserve to get framed for murder. The girls who have 2 abhorrent things are let off without having to pay for their crimes in any way. I'm not saying that all stories need to have a right and moral ending, but when you write something you should have a reason why you are writing it. What as an artist are you try to convey to the audience? Personally I would stay clear from Salem, because it is something people know a lot about and are passionate about, your factual errors will enrage the audience. Creating your own world would greatly help.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is appropriate and your craft is flawless. I think this would be good as a scene in a longer script. Since Zelda is still alive and snarling, I don't feel like this is the end of the story (despite the FADE OUT). So write more!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Grasping for bloody fingertips? I don't get what you mean? Who's bloody fingertips is she reaching for?

Hm, who were we routing for? I didn't like the little girls. I wish Zelda really did eat them. That would have resolved the story in my opinion.

Another thing, I assumed Zelda was really a witch the entire time but just didn't do it. I don't know why, but something in your story told me that she was, and the entire village already knew that.

Was this a comedy? I found it strange and out of place when someone said "shit" and after that, the dialogue became modern. I don't get why you did that.

The story was properly written, it just wasn't all the way there.

Josh LaMar (Level 2)

Now that was a good witch script. I could really see that one becoming a movie. In fact, I'd like for you to finish it and let me read it just for the hell of it! I loved it. Two little girls finding a witch... a mystery about what happened to the third. Not really knowing if the witch is in fact a witch... Very well done.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I was glued to the screen. Very interesting story. The punchline "next time make sure you're wrong" - that really got me.
It's well written. The first line could be reworded perhaps "along" and "alongside" in one sentence doesn't read too good, but you should know better. Upon rereading I found "Is she dead. I didn't mean to" - this really makes sense to me in this setting.

I think it's at least Very Good. Maybe Excellent. The only thing - will be hard to produce it unless it's an animation - too many extras for such a short short.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A creative story. Two interesting twists: the elementary-age girls turn out to be the conniving antagonists, and Zelda turns out to be a real witch. Well done. Love the visual quality. The riverbank, forest, Zelda's cottage, and courthouse locations are colorful. Zelda's stew concoction, nice and yucky. Zelda's cage is shoved into the river and "She quickly sinks out of sight"; then, the final action scene with the death of Zelda, "a pitchfork through her back...(twisted) for good measure." Yikes. All the gore is going to look pretty nasty on a screen. Obviously this story is not geared toward young children. Terrific title.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

How fun was that!?! This is great!

The formatting, punctuation and spelling are all good.

The story is stellar.

Nice work!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Cool story. I was thinking Josephine and Abigail should get some comeuppance.

Something about the word "garb" caused me to stumble, perhaps because of the (presumably) historical setting and its repetition. Same with "Holy shit, she really is a witch!" which made me laugh, going against the tone I think you were aiming for.

Good.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

"very plain, and equally plain" is redundant to simple black puritan garb.

Tell us they're standing on a Riverbank isn't needed if your slugline is termed "Riverbank."

We don't need to keep knowing everyone has "similar garb" if it has no bearing to the scene your mentioning it in. If you convey that everyone is of a Puritan living nature, you only need to tell us once.

Zelda is a nice, memorable name. Good action decription words like "plunges" and "scurries."

I enjoyed the ending, but the "tone" of the script seemed to change at bottom of page 4. Plus the sudden shift from country house to courthouse comes out of left field.

Patrick Skaggs (Level 3)

Good story written well. The dialogue was believable and the characters well developed. You covered a lot of ground in 5 pages. Maybe a bit predictable at times, although I wasn't expecting the judge to kill Zelda, so maybe not so predictable. Still had a hard to pin-down stock feel to it...hope that makes sense...but still very enjoyable.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

....and now what?!

Oi you had me on the edge of my seat, well written, fast paced. Beginning felt a bit standard though, the way the girls talked and how they went up to the witch.

It really started to run from that point on. Strong entry, surely.

I feel the twist from water to burning at the stakes is a bit unneccessary. Why not go burning her instantly, the drowning is a wasted scene.

Good writing, needs to place.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like the twist at the end: Zelda was a witch after all.

A very small quibble: I'm not sure folks of this period, especially Puritans, would yell out "Holy Shit!"

I'm not a fan of the title, but I'm not particulary good with coming up with any myself.

Your screenwriting is good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Very Good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a solid premise that includes some good tense action scenes.

I was not sure whose side I should be on. Also the characters in this are relatively thin which added to my sense of detachment from what was happening.

For me I wonder if this would play better if Zelda had a normal name and was cooking a broth at the beginning, in other words was not so obviously what we will assume to be a witch. This would make the later confirmation of what she is more of a surprise.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

I'm not keen on your title...

First line of dialogue -- this could be good.

The old crone speaking of her ingedients to herself is a little cliche.

'Holy Shit, she really is a witch' although funny I doubt a puritan would come out with that.

Strangely enjoyable if a little silly.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

First of all I would like to say that I love the title. It sets up several elements of the story. Nicely done. I thought the idea was clever enough and you created good, colorful characters. However I do have a problem. While reading the script it felt rushed. Like it was a larger story that you converted into a five pager. Then when it ended with a cliffhanger I knew I was right. I would like to see this in like an 8 or 9 page story. I bet it could be really cool. So it's with a heavy heart that I give a good rather than a very good.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was written well but it doesn't really work for me. Abigail and Josephine don't have to face up to either their crime or their accusation that Zelda turned their friend into a rat. Nothing's resolved at the end.

Why would Abigail and Josephine have to go to Zelda's cottage in order to accuse her? Was that just to introduce her to the audience? Didn't make a lot of sense to me.

The line 'Holy shit, she really is a witch!' didn't fit the rest of the script. 'Holy shit' sounds too modern and I imagine in that time that people really did believe that these women were witches so the 'really is a witch!' doesn't strike me as something someone would say. That line would work in a comedy or a parody I think.

Overall, well written but story could use some work. Fair.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

What, no zombies this month? ;-)

Writing was good. I wasn't clear straight away that this was set back in those days. I know you mentioned the clohes, but I still thought this was in the present. When the prosecutor accuses her of being a witch it was a shock, bacause I was thinking what kind of lawyer would use that as the basis for his case. But knowing this is set in the past changes that.

However, there's one thing that I think needs attention. When the prosecutor says she's a witch, there's a gasp from everyone, as if in shock. But the lawyer is making his closing argument, so surely the fact she's accused of being a witch would have been mentioned repeatedly before now and there would be no shock from the crowd?

Overall though, a solid entry.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This is a hard script for me to review. It had very good pacing and was easy to read, but it just didn't vibe with me. It felt generic and too much like other movies I've already seen.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:23 AM

I can't believe this didn't place or get an HM! Loved it!!!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:47 AM

Ditto...
A VG from me. Particularly loved the color.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 1:48 AM

Thanks for the great feedback everyone! As always, it is greatly appreciated!

It pains me to think about how that 1 line of dialogue probably cost this script an HM. Oh well... Thanks again! I'm glad a lot of you enjoyed it.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 1:59 AM

I thought this was wonderful.