Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

I thought this was fairly well-written, but I was pretty grossed out by the ending. I just can't get past it. And while I appreciate the disclaimer, how do I get that out of my head?

Okay, to be fair I came back and read this again, and I liked it better the second time. Maybe because I could brace myself for the unfortunate end of Cutie Pie. Hamster-eating is probably never going to be at the top of a list of my favorite things to think about, though, even if it is just pretend.

Alexia Glock (Level 3)

I really cringed at this script. Awful premise / brilliant premise. Despite my discomfort it is inarguably well-written. The use of voice-over is natural and enhances the story. It is memorable. Well done.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Excellent use of VO. Really brought you inside Benjamin's head. As for Ms. Storey, it's not too late for veganism.

Audrey Webster (Level 2)

definitely twisted...at first i thought it was too weird, but it sort of works. u built curiosity well.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this a lot. It made me smile! I like things that are left-field and this certainly was. Goodness knows how you'd film the gerbil massacre! Hooray for some black humour.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Brilliantly twisted! OMG, I was never so relieved to see someone eat a rodent. Love how you build it up to appear completely perverted in another sense, only to find out the real story. The only real suggestion I have is to prolong that "not knowing" by not showing the teacher pull out her fork and knife. When she does that the gig is up and I think it would be more shocking to just see her tearing into it.
Tough subject - great job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Perfect title. I really enjoyed this script. The voice over narration was excellent. While I loved the surprise ending, I wish there had been some very subtle hints about the true nature of Mrs. Storey earlier in the script.

Grace Beyer (Level 1)

I love this story! I totally wasn't expecting it. and the detail is amazing.

Jonathan D. Greene (Level 2)

Excellent description.

Daaaaaark.

Apples leads to harder things...

Wonder if she's into turtle?

---

Again, excellent description. Really captured the feel of the classroom.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

Strange - but somehow wonderful as well. I actually jumped when Benjamin swung the gerbil and cracked it's skull. This was so unexpected. It would work really well on screen.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

Why do I love this? I just do. I think for sure it is in the writing :)

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

Well written and creepy. I like the misdirection & twists: at the beginning when we think he's talking about the gerbil, and later when we think something sexual might be going on between them. You don't overexplain Ms. Storey and that's good.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Other then a couple of formatting errors it was a pretty good script. You don't expect the teacher to eat the gerbil. In fact you are expecting her to do something inappropriate with Benjamin. But the unexpected is what sometimes makes for a good script.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Fantastic! Worthy of Roald Dahl himself.

I love the misdirection. Kept me guessing throughout. The ending is delightfully macabre.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Good pacing. Really liked the last line. You've done a good job of convincing me that this is what happened, but you've given no clues as to why. To me that is even more interesting than the what, which you had me wondering about until the end.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I really liked this story........until the end. It got a little bit twisted there. Normally I like twisted, but I didn't see it coming or should I say feel it coming. When the twisted ending came, I think I wasn't set up right for it. It felt out of place.

I really enjoyed your style of writing and it was a nice use of (V.O)

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Wow! What the heck?!?!?! I was caught off guard off by that ending. :) Very well written, very well indeed. this may be one of the best i've read since joining. Very detailed and vibrant. Loved it.

I was going to say id like to know more about the teacher, but it's only 5 pages long so you did what you could.

Good Luck!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Dark and twisted but very well done. A compelling read. I like how the innocence of Benjamin is introduced early. Excellent visuals and use of Voice Over in response to the challenge. I think filming the last sequence would be really interesting because so much could be done without actually showing the grusome parts and still convey the message. Bottom line, not my favorite type of script, but really executed well and contains a lot of great elements to draw a reaction. People may love it or hate it -- but they'll certainly remember it and that's an achievement in writing. Nice job.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

This was good the whole time I thought that Ms. Storey and Benjamin's relationship was sexual and then she eats the rodent. Good twist well written and keep you attention also very realistic the class was like my classes in elementary school.

Tracey Brown (Level 3)

Wow, another horrid-little-tale-in-a-good-way!

Really liked it. Great innocence versus horror theme. The pet motif - lovely.

I could see only one mis-step in the actual story execution: I'd have lost the 'I've never watched her do it' line. Somehow, it slowed things down, and his turning his back demonstated the line just as well.

Couple of typos.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

There are a few places where change could be made to make the ending more of a reveal. By page 3 I knew what was coming so the inuendos beyond that had no impact for me. Take out the parts at the beginning and middle about how they go through gerbils quickly and the container for lunch, and the ending would be more satisfying. I don't want to think about anything more than a schoolboy crush, then "wait is this a gross sexual thing?", then BAM I get sucker punched with a gerbil eating maniac. Fun descriptive writing and believable dialogue. Few typos.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2007 12:25 AM

Congratulations on winning first place. I never would have guessed this was your script. I had no idea you could go to such wonderfully dark and fiendish places. Martin was right on when he compared to this Roald Dahl.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2007 12:39 AM

Wenonah, way to go, girl! Loved it, as apparently everyone else did. Can't wait to see what you come up with next month.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0) ~ 4/1/2007 9:13 AM

SWEET!!!! Thank you guys so much! I actually was cringing when I hit 'submit' this time around. I thought you guys would worry about my sanity (mother of three children and all) My mom was a Stephen King fanatic and being a bored only child, I devoured all his books by the time I was a teenager and she continues to bring them over year after year. So, as it turns out, I write some twisted tales sometimes and I LOVE doing it :-) What a great surprise to wake up to and I have to tell you, it was better than my Sunday paper in bed. I really enjoyed reading a lot of these scripts and I'm honored to be among the top.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2007 9:41 AM

I stand by my Roald Dahl comparison. If this were in short story form it wouldn't be out of place in 'Tales of the Unexpected'.

I'm really glad this took the top spot. Thoroughly deserved. Congrats!

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3) ~ 4/1/2007 9:48 AM

Funny - I LOVE Roald Dahl - The Witches being my favorite - and have read them to my 7 year old, and the same thoughts popped into my head reading this. I should have known that another mom wrote this! LMAO. Congrats!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 4/2/2007 12:12 PM

Congratulations Wenonah!

Nice sharp writing. I thought you were going one direction with the story, but then you went in a different one that I wasn't ready for.

Good Job!

Pia :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 4/2/2007 6:58 PM

Wenonah, you rock! The character of Benjamin still stays with me. Awesome job! I knew this script would score well and you deserve to bask in the glow of winning. I can't wait to read more of your stuff. Twisted or not -- it's top shelf.

Julie Stewart (Level 3) ~ 4/3/2007 6:54 AM

Congratulations Winonah - I still remember how I jumped when Benjamin swug the gerbil and cracked it's skull. Great stuff.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 4/6/2007 10:24 AM

Hey Wenonah -- congratulations! I keep meaning to pop in here and tell you that, in spite of my squeamishness, your script really did stay with me. Good work.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0) ~ 4/6/2007 10:38 AM

Ha! Thanks :-) You know, I kept wondering why the whole rodent thing didn't bother me that much and I think it's because I grew up with snakes as pets. When I was 11 I got my first Boa Constrictor and by the time I was 14 I had over a dozen different snakes in my menagerie (including a 15 foot python) so, it was normal for me to go to the pet store and wait while they'd bonk half a dozen mice on the counter to feed to them. Some of my snakes didn't like live mice (born in captivity princesses) and the mice can actually harm the snakes ... but I digress. Anyways, that's what happens when your mother is allergic to anything with fur or feathers and you're determined to have pets, LOL. I should probably stop talking about my childhood now, we may start getting to the really weird stuff.

-w

Olivia Daub (Level 1) ~ 7/3/2007 12:05 AM

Absolutely stunning. The voice over was sheer brilliance! The fantastic thing is, Benjamin's words just seemed to be dripping with pain. I must admit, I thought the obvious was going to happen. Quite an unusual twist, I must admit. I must also admit that I'm pretty much terrified to ask how you thought to kill off the gerbil and feed it to the teacher. Really only two options 1) You're insanely creative or 2) Just plain insane. =)

Keisha Orphey (Level 0) ~ 8/6/2007 6:59 PM

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!

Bryan Mora (Level 4) ~ 9/27/2007 11:33 PM

what did i just read lmao. I liked it though don't get me wrong. The thing i liked best was the boys voice over. The things just passed him right by lol. I thought you were going to go into some disturbed sexual direction(which i wont go into, but it also explains the missing hamsters). But i also enjoyed this diretion too.

Good job man!

David Serra (Level 4) ~ 4/29/2011 11:27 AM

Wenonah, you have an imagination with no limits and a script with a dark and twisted surprise. I loved it!

Steven Gulotta (Level 3) ~ 10/31/2011 8:09 PM

This was really well written. I enjoyed how it came out seeming as a relationship between the boy and the teacher, while really it was something completely different. There was the sense of being perverted, as well, which even encouraged me to think there would actually e some sort of relationship between the teacher and the boy. But then I was hit, and the whole thing took a sharp twist, unlike any that you see in movies and such today, because some people are just afraid of taking that risk.

Moreover, the dialogue was grand. I had an extremely fun time reading it, and it kept me going. I felt as if was actually being drawn in to the script, and I wish that there was more. More to see. More to see how it would flesh out in a longer story. I loved the bickering between the students, for it reminds me of when I was a kid.

Even the setting was well described. I felt as if I could picture a perfect classroom that was wrote about. It was actually really grand. This person took the time to make the writing speak for itself, and, for that, I give this script excellence.