Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

How old is Hensbert?

Page 1: "Standard Iraqi insurgents." It is a good idea to show us, by giving us one or two telling details, rather than saying "Standard". Are they army people? Villagers? I can't visualize it now, you're forcing me to figure out what you mean by "Standard". The next sentence: "Their eyes radiating anger." It is usually stronger if you get rid of the verb ending -ing: "Their eyes radiate anger."

You're introducing Al Sahin as "the leader", but the director will not be able to show that on screen. It is an un-filmable. Show us what he looks like, and how the people around him relate to him, so we can see on screen that he acts as the leader of the group.

Page 3: Regina's dialogue at the top of the page (in and out, no extra kills), is exposition. You are making her say that to inform the audience. She would never say that in real life. In real life they trained for this mission for months and months and they knew exactly what to do. Show us that she is upset afterward, when there were unplanned kills.

You use "&" on page 3. It is better to write everything down. For example, that symbol can be pronounced as "and" or "ampersand".

Page 3: "There's a hint of a smile on her face." I'm assuming it refers to Regina. Also, I suspect these special ops soldiers are trained to NOT enjoy missions. They have to do them cold-blooded, objectively. I suspect. If they start enjoying it they lose control. Certainly the leader will have a concentrated look on her face, not a smile.

I have to admit I'm hooked on page 4, want to know how it ends. Lots of action and conflict!

Page 4: Reyns places C4 on a wall, unplanned. Unlikely. Spec-ops train for this stuff, follow a procedure meticulously. I think.

Page 7: The sentence "Kneeled with their hands behind their head, a group of insurgents aim at the three soldiers." is confusing. At first I read it as the group of insurgents kneeled. I understand from the context that it is the other way around.

Page 7: "the three soldiers". It wasn't clear to me initially that Reyns was one of them.

And what happened to Hensbert during the attack?

Page 10 seems a bit rushed. "Others not so lucky." And "the trucks moves" should be "the trucks MOVE".

Nice cliffhanger at the end of page ten.

A "Monster in the house" type story (as mentioned in the book "Save The Cat!"), if you manage to contain everything so the men are stuck with the monsters.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Excellent! This is a well written script that moves at a fast pace. The plot is interesting, and sadly I could totally imagine this happening in real life. I think this will make a great movie. However, I think a new title is in order. Something that indicates what an atrocity it would be to do this, even to an enemy.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The action in the second scene is difficult to follow. Hensbert is in the sealed area. On his knees. Now his back. Al Sahin is with him? Where are the guards stationed? Are they inside the sealed area or beyond the doors?

"Kneeled with their hands behind their head, a group of
insurgents aim at the three soldiers." This statement is key to your scene and misleading. It reads as the insurgents are the one with hands behind their heads. Give us the broader picture first.

"Insurgents level their weapons at the apprehended, kneeling commandos, hands behind their head."

One minute Reyns, Coller, and Melika are retreating from the brute. A scene later they're apprehended and on their knees? You need to transition this gap. Show us how three commandos were captured.

The monster falls. How? When did this happen. I read through twice from the Brute's attack to his downfall. I read no sign of defeat.

A few grammar and spelling errors.

Your tension and pacing is good but the gaps in your action are tough to overcome. I was hoping to see more of a fight with the brute to demonstrate the strength of an infected villager. Build up the despair by showing the commandos are up against an unstoppable foe.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was one of the scripts I was most looking forward to based purelyon the logline.

Formatting and pacing were good. I didn't notice any typos or grammar errors. There's a little bit of passive writing and quite a lot of telling us what doesn't happen. Also, I think if Al Sahin is barking orders, the orders being barked should be written as dialogue.

The characters seemed to be pretty unique although at this early point in the script, they all still feel a little 1 dimensional (except for Guinness, whom I do get a pretty good sense of his personality.) I foudn Regina being the leader of an elite squad a little surprising. I liked the war movie feel of this zombie-esque premise. A nice hybrid of two of my favorite genres.

I don't have a ton of constructive criticism in terms of the story here. I think it's fairly straightforward. Military unit on a mission to extract a captured scientist discovers that a nearby Iraqi town got sprayed with something that turned people into zombie-type creatures and must now fight their way out. The premise sounds fun, the writing here is solid, I'm looking forward to the rest of the script. Nice job & Good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The premise is interesting and the ten pages are action-packed and well-written. In addition, I became engaged with the characters.

While I think films about Iraq have been made too often lately and begin to be samey, at least this one has the promise of something a little different.

A couple of points:

Standard Iraqi insurgents? This description verges on offensive...

Kneeled with their hands behind their head - kneeling

It’s inhuman shape - It's means IT IS...YOU mean ITS

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a very exciting opening 10 pages. Lots of action.

It was all very compelling and I could picture it all - great visuals.

If I had one complaint about this opening is that it feels a bit rushed - like you tried to jam all this in the first ten pages. I wish there was a bit more character work - who are these people? For example, why is a woman leading an assault team?

Still, I really liked this a lot and I hope I get to read more.

David Birch (Level 5)

the story was okay...a little too cliched to be taken too seriously...the formatting errors were the main concern...on page 2, you've got two mini slugs(UNDER COVER + REGINA) that have commas after them...that should never happen...if you really need commas, then put them in as part of an "action" line...also, there should be a space in between a scene heading/slugline and the next line of action/direction...so it should look something like this:

REGINA

crawls ahead of the others. Her LCD wristband displays footage of the cavern hideout.

...anyway...good luck with the vote...

David Serra (Level 4)

Some cool insights and orginal story, but overall I found this script to be very flawed. First off, the title should be the only thing on the title page here and second, you need to give ages to your characters.

This is a cool idea though, and you should go fourth with it.

Overall, Good.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Lots of action and excitement - borderline too much, but it seems we are about to have a break. Excellent point to end page 10 - of course I have to turn the page to see what these three have in store having been dumped in this village of monsters.

Good job setting up your characters. I already have the feeling that Al Sahin is not the enemy, although he superficially seems to be with first glance. I purposely did not re-read the logline before reading the 10 pages, so you did a very nice job of setting up the story. When I read the logline after the 10 pages, it made perfect sense.

My only concern is that the beginning is confusing - I'm confused between the two on-going scenes and which is which. I had to go back and re-read parts to figure out who was where. Also, the introduction of a female military leader made me stop for a second, then I just wrote it off as this being set in the near future, rather than present time.

Good job and good solid writing. I hope to see this move on so we see the whole thing.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

A good ten pages with lots of action and pace. The writing is effective but tends towards the wordy. Nothing clogs action and kills pace more than unneccessary words. Try for a leaner style and always in the present tense. It is essential in the thriller genre. The imagination is already there.

'cleaner than the rest' It is not clear how dirty the 'rest' are. Much better to give a strong concrete detail. The scar, for instance, is much more effective.

'I want to show you something' is too weak for this character. 'I will' is much stronger.

'just big panels blocking' avoid describing something twice. It drains impetus from the pace.

'know what to do and' Take these out and you will see the action is stronger. Fewer words, stronger writing.

'Feels forward' Gropes, or even scrabbles, would better suggest fear.

'Al Sahin crouches' Knock out 'crouches' and you will see it is better without it.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Summary: A female American squad leader and her squad invades an Iraqi hideout, witneses a victim of bioloigical warfare and is captured and escapes.

A fair start The setup has almost been accomplished, This was interesting since bin Laden's assassination. Keep writing!

A few points:

* Differentiate your American characters
* recommend Predator as the movie to watch,
* The slug lines never mention Iraq
* Character ages - tell us!
* The narrative needs to be tightened - Sentences like "he's got them riled up" and "doens't even realize his error" are more tell than show.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I like the double meaning of P.O.W. I also like that you jumped right into the story and there is a lot of action which moves the story along well and the story is interesting. I would suggest that you start with FADE IN: and you spell hideout HIEDOUT in one of your scene headings. While sentence fragments are acceptable and even recommended when you need to trim, I think they are over used and in some cases unnecessary. One example from page eight: "...and pulls Reyns' earpiece from his ear. Pockets it." Could have been :"...and pulls Reyns' earpiece from his ear and pockets it." It would not have taken any more room so there was no space saving yet, for me, the fragments make it a little harder and more tedious to read. I do want to read more which is the main purpose of the first ten pages so good job.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I really liked this, the first ten pages setup everything that I'm sure will turn out to be a great horror/thriller/adventure script.

The characters are well-defined. At first, I thought the insurgent is our antagonist, then when I read the logline, it was a surprise that he's actually one of our protagonists. I liked anti-heroes.

The first ten pages delivered a lot of action without too much exposition, and it still managed to give us enough details to be interested in what will happen afterward.

I can't wait to read on.

EXCELLENT!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"crawls back on his back" I don't know what that means, and it should be changed anyway since you're using "back" twice.

We wouldn't know the hummers are stolen.

"That's what your mom said too" Okay, I was wondering whether or not this was supposed to be a serious zombie type movie like 28 days later, or just a fun one like Dawn of the Dead. Now I get the vibe. It's just an observation, nothing wrong...

You forgot to capitalize AL on page nine.

"whatever you guys sprayed on our village a week ago" That sounds too American. "You guys" "a week ago" is what the problem is. "Whatever was spread onto our village by your (plane names)one week ago." Would sound more like a foreigner speaking English.

Interesting, but I wish you went a little further. You could have, by cutting a lot of the action in the beginning. I found myself getting bored with all the descriptions with everything they were doing, and I love action movies. I think you should have made the descriptions more lean.

This is probably your style, but the "caveman" way of describing things gets weird sometimes. It's okay at times, but constant use of it..? I don't know...

Overall this was pretty decent. Again, I wish there was more shown to us on the first ten pages, but other than that, good job.

Jeffrey Apostol (Level 1)

Very nice spin on an old convention... the ZOMBIE FLICK! Specific enough to let us know that it's a modern day times (very topical) story line. Very action oriented (geared towards zombie/action fanatics, a very large demographic). Alludes to great action, thrills, and excitement. Excellent word choices.

Justin Ryan Colon (Level 4)

I hate the fact that Al Sahin has a scar from his mouth to ear- that one trait screams cliche and classic villain.

I like the beast that Al Sahin calls Hensbert's "creation." The "skin on his face has been pulled tight, leaving the beast with an ever-tortured expression" was great. I feel the torture from this disturbing imagery.

For me, much of the dialogue seemed to casual and led to a lack of reality in the script.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The premise of it is very interesting. A lot of it is a description of the war and I'm not sure if all of it is necessary. The important bits are - something infested the village, the villagers transform into something supernatural and possibly very dangerous, Al Shahin needs a cure and for some reason Regina, a female American soldier needs a cure too.
If you replace some of the war description with info on characters. What's it going to be - a tale of character struggle or it's just them against the villagers - right now I see that it's more about the action and the scheme of the story but I don't learn much about the characters. or maybe for some reason they don't draw me in as much.
The premise, the action, the images are well presented/told.
Couple of typos - you have "feel" for "fall" at one place and "hiedout" in the slug - if you search you'll find these instances. I'm intrigued just suggesting to work on the characters a bit more.
I reread - putting VG on it.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific action. Using a female protagonist, Regina, is an unusual choice. Adds opportunities to interact with a variety of men in a predominately male-dominated field. Particularly impressed that, for the most part, all ten pages are in and around a single location. The Cavern is interesting and makes the action the primary focus without the distraction of other locations. Good idea.
Dialogue is limited -- a good thing in an action-packed story. Probably could trim even more. Not sure that Al Sahin telling Hensbert, "I'll see you shortly" or a Sick Kid saying, "I'm okay! I'm okay!" or Reyns declaring, "Its (It's?) the end for us," adds substantially. Also think the first ten are captivating enough without the disfigured man creature. Al Sahin would be a worthy adversary/antagonist for Regina.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm really liking this story! It needs some work, though...

You write something that creates one visual, then you add things that change it later. It's a little bit like reading and carrying out assembly instructions, and hitting a line that begins "but first..." You have to go back and place this new info in a logical way with the old... As an example:

"His CAPTORS are all masked. Standard Iraqi insurgents. Their eyes radiating anger. One of them steps forward, the only one without a mask, the leader, AL SAHIN."

I've been given an image of masked men. ALL of them are masked... Then, suddenly, one of them isn't masked after all. See what I mean? Try starting with AL SAHIN. Give him an age and state that he's the leader of a group of masked men.

Something else:

"A black hood gets pulled from a head, revealing a bruised, bald, lanky man: HENSBERT. His bloody nose still running. Hensbert opens his swollen eyes. Gets a slap in the face. SOMEONE yells in ARABIC. Hensbert looks at the ground, trembling.
HENSBERT - We didn’t know. I swear."

Try starting with the visual of a hooded man. Give it a second or two. Then the hood is pulled off and there's HENSBERT, aged ___, eyes closed, blood runs from his nose. He opens his eyes, gets slapped. Head down, blood drips to the floor. "We didn't know. I swear."

If someone's yelling in Arabic, make it specific dialogue written in English with a parenthetical saying it's in Arabic. You don't actually need anyone to speak here, though. The men can be written so they're really threatening.

Stay away from words ending in "ing." Keep your work visually immediate. I like to write shots... but then, I've never done that well with my own scripts... See what others say about it, if anything.

Again, I'm really liking this story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Regarding the logline, I think "female" is unnecessary.

Most of your action is pretty lean, although there are a few occasional extraneous words: "they instantly know", "suddenly, Al Sahin violently grabs". When we moved outside I wasn't sure whether "UNDER COVER" and "REGINA" were meant to be scene headings or part of the description or what. The combination of capitals, a comma afterwards but no line between that and the following description was a stumbling point.

I liked the description of the creature, and that you set it up in the first few pages so the audience has to buy into it right away. Cutting between the hostage situation and the rescue attempt was a good way to build up tension, and you managed to avoid the different spaces and characters being too confusing.

Page 7: "Its the end" should be "It's the end".

I like this idea, crossing a zombie movie with a war movie. You've set up everything well here with an action sequence to start. Very good.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

First, let me say that this is a great opening sequence. It's dynamic, it presents a lot of questions and the potential for conflict.

Here's my question: since it seems like you've answered all of the questions of the movie (except for, perhaps, who set the virus loose to begin with), where does the movie go from here? I'd guess that it was a horror movie from this point...kind of a "who's the last man standing" kind of thing. How will you set your film apart for other films just like it? You may have a plan, but it's not evident yet.

Could you introduce the "creature" later? The movie might benefit from the audience's apprehension of this discovery.

What type of movie is this? Horror? Action? Drama? It's not quite apparent yet and it may not be important as long as YOU know.

I don't have a really clear sense of the characters: race, description, personal quirks. It may be good that these are generic people, but I find it hard to empathize with someone I can't picture in my head.

I'd consider trimming the dialogue as well. I think you say what needs to be said, but perhaps it can be said with fewer words? Or with a look or action? Think about the number of friends you have that answer questions with four lines of dialogue . . . and how many just nod or shrug or glare at you.

It's a great start. Get your big picture clear in your mind, write it then tighten it up. No reason this shouldn't move on if you execute it well!

Michael Berg (Level 3)

You had some interesting and believable action scenes. The setup of the infected was visually arresting and made me want to read more.

The Iraqi insurgent leader started off strong, but started talking a little too nonchalent towards the end while being held by our protagonist.

You have a great premise, and strong hook for a captivating story.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Throws us straight into the action which makes for a strong beginning. The soliders all have easy to distinguish names which is good as their actions and dialogue do not distinguish them as individuals. Regina is the strongest character.

I found some of the action passages a little samey and found myself losing interest whilst reading them.

Overall not a bad start.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You're off to a flying start: the first shot is brutal and effective, and so much happened on page one I couldn't believe I was only on page 2 when the team moved in. It's definitely in the superhero sci-fi world of physics, with mutants with bulletproof skin; still, I'll accept it. And you pull off an actually funny "your mom" joke - that's a hard thing to do.

Regina's first line is pretty expository, all stuff the team would already know. Paradoxically, I then have a tough time following exactly what happens, and I'm still not sure of all the details. I was with you until Reyns' half of the team was suddenly captured without warning. They were fighting the thing, and then it's over. I'd almost expect a double-cross, but we see the three of them later, after I thought they were going to die in the explosion. In the middle of it all, the women and kids are running for help, and I had to read it again to understand that they were evacuating.

You're halfway between an interesting and fresh military team and something pulled right out of the most standard action movies. Guiness clearly appears to be the "bad cop", but his shooting of the innocents is the first really cliche part of the movie. Maybe it's that the war's too fresh, but I don't want to see mindless American "shoot first ask questions later" and "screw the (female) CO". You have a woman leader, and don't make any bones about it - good start. I'd like to see that her troops take her seriously. (An interesting note: everyone's identified by last name except Regina. Maybe Regina's her last name, who knows. Still, they'd probably call each other by rank.)

Most of the writing is solid, but some of it gets lazy: "standard Iraqi insurgents", an ampersand in dialogue, Sahin's use of "you guys". Sometimes paragraphs don't punctuate the important actions: "Hits a child in the arm" could be one paragraph. And there are a few typos: "ITS inhumans shape", "the BIGGEST soldier".

Overall, it's a pretty good start, it could just use a little cleaning.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

My notes as I read:

Pg 1 – “Standard Iraqi insurgents” – I get what you mean by this but I’m not sure “Standard” is a good description.

The first page gets things moving along quickly and sets up a good mystery to pull us along.

Pg 2 – “Stolen hummers” – This is probably accurate but I suspect that seeing a distinctively American vehicle would confuse the audience.

“Everybody hold” – I know nothing about this, but it seems to me that “Everybody” would be redundant in this order and that she would use clean, immediately understood instructions.

Pg 3 – “CAVERN HI#DE#OUT”

The beginning of this scene has good potential for tension and fear, but the fact that the assault has already begun takes the sting out of it. You could consider moving this first part up into the middle of the creeping approach of the special forces.

Pg 4 – “REYNS” – In screenplays having similar names is often best avoided. In this case it is even more significant because Reyns and Regina are in the same unit and confusion could be a problem.

Pg 5 – I have a bit of trouble picturing how the scene in the MED ROOM is going to work. It has an interesting dilemma in it but as described I’m not sure why Al Sahin would not be shot dead. Also for me I’d prefer it if Regina was the one shooting children, because it plays against female stereotypes in movies.

Pg 6 – “thick skin” – That would need to be seriously thick to be resisting bullets from military rifles.

Perhaps I’m being too picky, but I’m finding it difficult to buy much of what is happening in these sequences. I know this sort of stuff happens in movies all the time, so maybe it’s just that I’m not feeling the stylization or ultra-real tone that often allows me to go along with such things.

Pg 8 – “Looks at his fellow soldiers, all saddened.” – I’m having a little bit of trouble with the choppy read and this is an example of a line that is awkward for me. I know this is a style choice, but I guess I like reads that are a smooth flow.

Pg 10 – And it leaves off with them in an intriguing situation.

Overall, I like the concept of this and I can see that you have devised something that has interesting ethical dimensions.

For me I wonder if there is a cleaner way to enter the story, something that doesn’t have all these different aspects playing out in such a short time. Also, perhaps you could consider ways to set up the characters a little more before this sequence plays out.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very well written! Wow, I'm amazed at the awesome scripts this month.

Your story is great and a strong female role, that's even better. I enjoyed the action, the intensity and pace of the script.

It will be a high budget movie, for sure. But I think it will make a very strong film. I am looking forward to reading more.

Good luck, I hope you move on.

Shawn Davis (Level 2)

I would like to start off by saying this was a good read. You have skill. It flowed nicely and went down smooth. I really liked your description of the disfigured men. I wish you would expand on Regina just a bit besides leader of the pact. Give her some trait that sets her apart. In fact now I’m at page 4 and there is where I slowed down. Up until here I was moving along and then realized, none of the insurgents are discernable. Other than the names, we don’t have anything else to hang our hats on. The story picks back up though and you write through the next action very well. There is a bit of on the nose dialog on page 7 but no big deal.
Also, on page 7, you have at different times, Regina and Reyns set up as O.S for some reason. I’m not sure why but it throws off the flow. All in all though a very good read. One of the best so far. You have a lot of potential here

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Doesn't seem correct for the story

Logline: Really good.

Story: Far too rushed. Feels like you were trying to get to page 15 by page 10.

You need to let the story develop a little more.

The cuts between scenes are choppy, like you cut out some scenes which provide information I need for other scenes to feel right.

Your American characters all seem the same. I need some physical characteristic, some indication of the type of people they are, something.

Your opening page was done well... so packed with stuff. Loved it. But page by page, the action and dialogue became less and less consistent.

In the end, a story like this needs to jump off the page, but it didn't.

Technical stuff: Get rid of the CONT'D's, you spell one character's name two different ways. The names of the soldiers are unusual and don't feel right to me. Guiness reminds me of beer every time I read it. Hensbert (who disappears) is a really odd name. Regina is a girl's name, but there are no female combat special forces. So every time I reaf that name, I thought of a girl and I thought it weird that you'd use a first name for one person and last names for the others.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This moves so freaking fast. Take your time! Let the story build/develop some before people start dying. I have no idea who any of these characters are, what they're doing or what they want before the bullets are flying. Even after the initial cave raid, it just moves straight into the next action scenes. The writing here was really good but I never really connected with anything going on. Everything felt kinda blank and almost on auto-pilot.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This is a very solid entry. I read it twice, and liked it more on the second read.

I think you have all the elements in place and if you can keep the momentum going, you would have an excellent cross-genre script.

I didn't get a clear image of the mutant Iraqi people and do think you can elaborate on them aside from the swollen arm, warts and boils and pulled skin of the face. It could be me not seeing the complete visual image.

You've made Al Sahin a strong yet sympathetic figure which I think is essential in the working relationship between Regina and himself. It works and I actually find that relationship appealing -- there is a great opportunity to shed light on both while showing the darkness as well.

The protagonist and antagonist in this script is going to be interesting. It's almost as if it can be switched throughout depending upon current action. I happen to like that aspect and while the antagonist it is certain to be the deformed, bloodthirsty villagers, they were created by or a direct relation to the protagonist.

Good luck.

Comments Made After the Contest

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2011 12:34 AM

You got an excellent from me, Paul! This is not my kind of genre but I recognize excellence when I see it. Hope you keep on writing this one!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2011 1:18 AM

Another strong entry from you Paul! Gave it a VG. Where are you these days...

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2011 9:56 PM

Ah man, I was really looking forward to the rest of this one. Have you written it yet?

Herman Chow (Level 5) ~ 6/2/2011 11:07 AM

I gave you an Excellent, Paul. You're robbed!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 6/2/2011 3:50 PM

Dang it, I really liked this one, and it's not even my favorite genre! I hope you finish it, if it's not already done.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 6/6/2011 6:50 AM

Thanks for the support guys. I kinda rushed this thing, so all the comments are valid.

As for where I am today, well I'm actually working on sold features. I've got 4 more features to go until I can finish POW again (might even be more if I get more assignments). Love POW, but it will have to wait.

Thanks again.