Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This is cute... in a disturbing way. Nothing wrong with that, though!

Capitlize Viper first time you mention him, but either than that, I didn't notice any formatting errors. You're a strong writer, and your formatting is good. This is an interesting idea for a script. I'm trying to figure out if it's more funny or dramatic, and I can't decide.

I like your title.

I would like to know why Viper is so determined to get this mime to talk. What did the mime do to him? I know you only had a page, but it seems like if Viper is going to be using a chain saw, this mime must have done or saw something pretty serious.

Overall, this is good. I'd like to see this expanded a bit to answer some of the unanswered questions, but all-in-all, nice job!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

At first we didn't see Gaston, so I was kind of expecting a surprise. But it wasn't a surprise. Viper is really torturing another man in a horrific way.

A dark-ish story, the mime will not (can not?) speak. He's clearly not deaf, as he hears the chainsaw rev up.

This feels like a sketch for an idea you want to pan out. As such this story raises more questions than it answers: why is Viper torturing Gaston? Why won't Gaston talk? And how will it end, will Gaston die, or tell? This would be a perfect START of a story; now I want to know what happened before, and what will happen next, so you can flash back to two weeks before, and meander into the story so we get to see why these two characters ended up like this. And then in the end show how it ended.

Great hook; why would a mercenary type torture a mime type? Great start for a story!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Oh God lolz

I knew something weird was gonna happen at the end, but was not expecting that... lol

Couldn't you have made it a clown? I hate clowns. Mimes are cool, lol

Well I guess a clown wouldn't have worked because it could have talked lol

Anyway, great job. Getting me to laugh at something this twisted and gross and bloody is an accomplishment. Bravo!

[5]

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

Nice story, told well with some well written action sequences and dialogue.

A whole lot of story, liked it a lot.

Very good

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is okay. The dialog feels rather campy. I like the blood and violence. The fact that he is a mime is pretty funny, but I felt like it needed one more thing at the end to really top this off.

I'm pretty sure the format of your montage isn't right. I do believe that each shot of the montage should get its own line in the script, but I could be wrong.

Anyway, not much more to say, nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I don't quite understand this.

Are you saying that the guy CAN'T talk? A 'mime' (do you mean mime artist?) can talk but doesn't talk for the purposes of his act.

How would we know he can't talk? That rather blows away the premise if we can't.

It was a fun idea though. I don't like violence but this was Monty Pythonesque.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Okay, I love this. Great, great ending, what a clever surprise! I have poor Gaston implanted in my brain.

This was funnier than anything I read last month. Demented on so many levels, but he's a mime so who cares? They get no respect.

Nicely played, this is what a one-pager should look like.

Excellent from me, best of luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I hope he was a mute. Nice set up, it didn't feel crowded at all. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Torturing a mime - I love it. This is dark, twisted, and savagely funny.

Your craft is great and the twist/reveal is awesome.

This is one of those cases where one page is helping you. Any longer and it would feel cruel. But at one page it is a perfect black comedy.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Cheech and Chong did something similar to this years ago. Loadies were changing channels on a TV and...: "Sign za papers old man!" "I can not sign za papers!" Etc... Finally: "Why can you not sign za papers?!" "Because you have broken both of my hands." The advantage of the Cheech and Chong skit is that even the loadies thought that went too far and changed the channel.

I honestly don't see much to like about this. The writing is competent and it looks like you were shooting for ironic, dark humor. But in my opinion it just came across as pointless cruelty and not so much ironic. Especially since mimes can talk, they just don't in their acts. I have a feeling that like last months entries, there will be plenty of people who have a different take on this.

Good luck. Thanks for entering

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

OK. Fun. The name Great Gaston gave it away to me but I still enjoyed the ride. I suspect this could easily be filmed, especially is the filmmaker approaches the whole thing seriously. It is the twist ending that will get the audience.

Very good work.

David Serra (Level 4)

A bit too cruel for me. I felt sorry for the mime, since you never made it clear if he was a bad guy or not. All I saw was tourture, blood, no story, and an ugly setting.

So if you ask me, I'm not to sure how to respond to a story that looks like it was made for cruel people.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Oh I get it! Mimes don't talk! LOL.. it took me a second. Doh

The Title = perfect
The fact that we didn't see the Mime = perfect
The writing style, = perfect
The ending = perfect
Story = perfect

What can I say = Excellent.
Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Fun and funny and horrible. I guess no one really cares if a mime gets killed, so your ending is palatable.

You do a good job of setting a comedic tone with the dialouge that I swear makes me hear an accent. (How exactly did you do that?) Anyway, you are talented with the words.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

You are very descriptive, and I could visualize the story perfectly. I lost it when I found out it was a mime, very nice twist!

I think the title is fitting... double meaning if you will. Your choice of character names were fun as well: Viper and the Great Gaston. Very clever!

This is one of the best submissions so far this month. I will remember this one. You get an EXCELLENT from me. Good job!

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

This was a great read, definitely off to a pretty good start. I know how hard it is to challenge yourself to just one page to tell a complete story. Not sure if the entire story behind the initial scene was evident, but I was intrigued wanting to read more, I could visualize the characters, their performance and the setting on screen.

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

I wonder if this will resonate with the rest of the voters. However, I liked this one a lot. I don't even care what THE GREAT GASTON has done to receive such brutal treatment. This is a short that would appeal to the masses and I think it would be a really funny treat to watch.

Well done, I gave this a VERY GOOD.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Good title and an original, darkly amusing idea.

Well written but could be even more concise:

'for dramatic effect' suggest cutting.

'He stares ahead' ditto.

I love this line; ''Was hopin' you'd say that...'; but do not think the leading apostrophe is needed. Nevertheless, priceless.

Just a thought: How will we know the protagonist's name?

Excellent.

Elaine Sales (Level 1)

Aw. It's funny, brutal, and awful, all in one. I wasn't expecting the ending. It really took me by surprise which I liked. However, in earlier descriptions it says the victim's reactions and what is happening to him. Therefore we'd be able to see it's a mime from the get go if it were made into short film? Maybe I'm misunderstanding the script, but if that were the case it would ruin the surprise.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Dark, and dry, how excellent. I knew something was up when all we see is Viper. And I was rewarded far beyond my expectations. A freakin' mime. Level up.

Here's your winner.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Well I'd be a liar if I said I didn't think mime violence is funny.
And your title is hilarious. I'm miming a thumbs up right now.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A man tortures another man.

This was delicious. Full on torture and still the mime won't talk. Surprised to see a montage but it worked. Description of the man as "macho mercenary type" seemed over-the-top at first but I kind of like it now.

Very good!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is good and fits the twist in the story well. Your craft is good and you even managed to get in the FADE IN: and FADE OUT. In a one pager, that is impressive! The dialogue is fine and seems right and realistic for this character. Your action lines are graphic but effective. They paint a clear picture of the action. The story itself is an interesting combination of a violent crime story and a comedy. Those two genres are not easily mixed together but you have done it well. In the sequel maybe you can explain why everyone picks on mimes!

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Okay. It was good. A good one.

My only addition is "dialogue split by action." Character's have to be tagged so we know they are still in a dialogue though interrupted by an action

Anyway, it was a good and fast read. Congrats.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I rated this an excellent. Your action lines and descriptions were well done. The dialogue worked as well.

The only feedback I have is with the description of the mime staring at his sideways reflection. I can't picture what you mean by this. Also, why is Viper wincing at the end. He seems to be happy to be doing this.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I mean, I get it, but it seemed kind of random. A mime?

I don't know. The story made sense but it didn't seem complete. Like, where did the mime come from . Why was this person torchering a mime and expecting him to talk?

Who were these people?

Again, I get it. But then I don't...

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

I think I've actually seen this skit performed somewhere either on tv or on the stage. Don't know if it was a mime being tortured for information, but the goal was the same: get mime to speak by any means necessary. Why? I don't know. A mime never did anything to me. I don't think we need to hurt mimes anymore. Is blood reflective?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I understood it. Viper tortures Gaston in attempt to make him talk but Gaston is a mimer. the problem is (my problem only perhaps) - we'll learn that he's a clown but will we know by his clothes that he is a mimer? It's easy to understand it when you read it but when you watch - it might escape us. I liked the way Viper talks, he's funny. The whole thing is funny.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I'm not completely sure if I like it I wish there was description on Gaston and not only of the torture. I wish the view point of Gaston was used in the story even if it is done in a Voice Over.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting and ironic twist that the subject of all the abuse is a mime in facepaint and wearing a beret. Character descriptions are visual and well done.
Not sure what the story is about; it reads like a single scene from a larger story. There's no explanation from the mercenary, Viper, why he insists that Gaston talk or what he's expecting Gaston to say. Might give the brutality a reason if there is some backstory.

Kristen Alario (Level 2)

Formatting was excellent. The montage was clear and helped me visualize the story. Dialogue was good. Clever story. Having the mime getting beat up and still being quiet adds a humorous twist to a gruesome act.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was really funny! It was really only a simple punchline but the contrast between the serious, brutal torture and the silly face-paint and self-importance of mimes really worked. Sometimes I don't understand why mimes get so much hate, but that's not really important here.

Excellent!

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

Nice story. Gory, but nice.

I was a bit confused when you didn't introduce Gaston, but I got it after a second read. Maybe you should indicate that Viper is throwing a punch at some object, even if it's off screen? Not sure what to do there but it took a couple of reads to get that.

The only other thing was syntax. I think you should put "VIPER" in all caps when you first introduce his character.

I love the cerebral nature of this story. Great work!

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This cracks me up!

Excellent job with the setup and the ending. Very visual and great imagery.

Mimes deserve everything they get (see Shakes the Clown).

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Did you mean not to show Gaston in the frame till the end of the story? If so, in the montage you have to show him to us, otherwise Viper slices air. I kept thinking maybe Viper is crazy and does all this either to a dummy or an imaginary person.
Poor Gaston! Ugh.
The writing is pretty good. Why does Viper do all this? What's the story, what is it about? You just showed me one scene from your story and I wonder who the heck are these people, what's going on, Gaston is bleeding and no one there to save him.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Haha, nice twist at the end. I find the montage to be a bit of a cheat, but otherwise interesting short.
Says little about the human condition though.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

That was a fun journey into the surreal.

You might "cheat" a little bit with the montage sequence to keep this at one page, but it's not the biggest deal.

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Well, frankly, who doesn't want to see a mime come to such an end? I'll admit, it took me a moment to really get the joke - from moment one you know the punchline is coming, and the joke is, of course, who is the victim? My first thought was surface level - ha ha, the evil agent is a mime, so of course, he can't talk. It took me a second to realize Viper's entire operation was to GET A MIME TO TALK. Now that's funny.

So, my slow wit aside, excellent job.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Pretty violent. Some people might object to that. I think this would be hard to watch and requires a good reason/reveal for it to work. You did that by cleverly having the victim be a mime. I'm wondering though how you would only show Viper in all the shots before revealing the mime at the very end.

Good work! :)

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I thought this was well written but found the story fell short. I get that it is a opne pager but seems like everyone wants to tell a joke or do some pun or one liner at the end. I just get tired of this. I think most will enojy this.

good luck to you this month.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

You need to put Viper in CAPS in your first line. This is written well enough that I suspect you are the sort who will smack their head once this is pointed out to you. Clearly an oversight as opposed to a rookie mistake.

I liked this -- but oddly, I pegged the ending about halfway through -- and for the life of me I cannot tell you how. I read this again so I could tell you what gave it away, but I do not think you really did anything to telegraph the punch-line. You concealed it well. So, whatever.

While I am not a big fan of the "joke" scripts, I do like that this is a joke that would only work on film.

Very good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'd like to know what poor Gaston has done, that the viper wants to know about. I thought the story was good, the execution of the script was well done. I think it was a little tongue in cheek, but still a fun story with lots of violence for all those people who like blood and guts, with nice funny twist at the end.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Well, I've gotta say that Gaston's given Marcel Marceau a run for his money in the best mime of all time department. It was a good reveal.

That being said, the rest of the script did absolutely nothing for me. I'm big into well done dialogue and this dialogue was rough to get through. Stereotypical bad guy torture lines, rinse, repeat then finish it off with "Scarface"? Get the hell outta here with that.

With me, you're at a tie between Fair and Good. The reveal off-sets the fact that you didn't capitalize THE VIPER despite having a solid month to write... and re-write your script. They say that a tie goes to the runner, so for now, you're getting a Good. I'm not sure if it'll stay like that for the rest of the month.

Good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Sorry torture porn is not my cup of tea, even on Mimes which some would argue deserve it. So the joke fell flat in my book, and I could not connect with the thin plot and cartoonish characters.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Good title and well written.

I like the twist, but I think it may have been better overall if there'd been some visual on Gaston earlier. You don't need to give away much, but without it, we don't know what Viper is punching. Yes, we know it's a person, but there's nothing SHOWING the person.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Awesome. Great writing, pacing and story. The twist at the end was hilarious. I can see this definitely being filme.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Cute, but we've seen this kind of comedy payoff before.

There was some confusion. You overused "he" quite often and it was hard on occasion to discern which "he" you were referring to.

And please don't think I didn't like the comedy, it's just that I've heard this before.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2011 12:15 AM

Thanks for all the great feedback everyone! I had a feeling this would be one of those scripts people either loved or hated and after reading the reviews, I think I was right. :)

I think I may be filming this one myself in the near future.

Ed Jones (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 2:44 AM

Proud to say I awarded this as excellent. So original.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2011 2:44 AM

Brian, this was one of my favorites this month. Can't wait to see the film! Great work!

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 12:44 PM

Please film this! This was hands down my #1 script this month. I'm bummed to see it not place in the top 3.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 1:42 PM

Well, Brian, I can't believe I am favouriting something this bloody, but it was really funny in the end and too over the top to take as serious gore. If I ever see the film, I will probably scream through the whole thing, though. LOL

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2011 5:07 PM

I loved this too. It's a wonderfully twisted and dark black comedy. This would make a killer short!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/15/2011 2:14 PM

Just an update...

This script has officially entered pre-production. I'll be shooting it myself. The cast, location, costumes and makeup/FX artists are already secured. The plan is for the cameras to be rolling one week from today pending approval of our requested time at the location. A script this short won't require more than a couple hours on set and a couple days in post so I'm feeling very confident I'll have it done in time for the MP film contest this year.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 10/16/2011 12:51 AM

Awesome news - I can't wait to see it!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 10/16/2011 7:39 AM

This is a great short script. What thrill me is that the adversary brave, and some criminals in crime cases rather not get killed. I find it original, because it is rare that the adversary, or anyone, would keep a secret for his/her life. You know what makes it more funny? If you told us that the Mercenary is the answer to his own questions.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/26/2011 1:45 PM

Well, I think the filming went well. 5 hours on set for 30 minutes worth of raw footage that will ultimately be edited down to a 1-2 minute film.