Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

First impression of the page is that it has a lot of white on it and invites reading.

From a time when men thought it an honorable thing to go to war... A different era.

Superb punch line. Ironic ending as Abner gets what he wants but he'll not be happy with the end result.

I had to look up General Pickett, but I am not from the US.

You have a FADE IN: but no FADE OUT. and in some sense it does feel like it isn't finished yet. Maybe fade out before Sergeant's last line of dialogue. Trumpets and drums as the credits roll.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

I'm not sure I understand but I think they broke his leg to save him from getting killed. Right?

It's obviously Gettysburg we're talking here (though I got a mild chuckle out of the fact that I'm pretty sure a British person wrote this script... I don't know why, I guess it's not that funny ;D).

I'm not that big on history, but I realize there is about to be a bloodbath.

I don't know what "boys from Kiln" meant.

I don't know what the title means.

Civil War buffs will probably really enjoy this.

[3]

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

As an ACW enthusiast I really enjoyed this piece, it was very well done and a great climax.

Very Good.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm sorry to say, but this went right over my head. Unless they are based on actually people and that provides the backstory, I have no idea what the significance of any of this is.

It reads fast and the formatting is good. But I can't really say anything else because I don't know what is going on here. Soldiers beat-up the flag bearer... then what? Sorry.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I guess the title doesn't make sense to me.

The story is pertty cool. Basically, older brothers beatup a sibling to keep him out of a bloody upcoming battle. Not much room for improvement that I saw here. Nice work and good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title confused me in relation to the script. As did, initially, how many men there were. Did you need so many?

You bring in unexplained details - the mention of Kiln, General Pickett. Where? What? Who? Why?

I THINK this might be very good, excellent even, but with the length constraints too much was left out. Did they DELIBERATELY injure him to save his life? If not, WHY did they injure him?

It wasn't clear.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hey, a one pager needs a punch. I like where you went, but I wonder how many people won't get it?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love this. Great twist/reveal.

You set this up really well. It felt so harsh at the beginning and to discover it's really a kindness was very cool.

Your craft is really great. The only thing I don't get is the title - unless I'm missing something, I think you could come up with something stronger.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I'm going to have to make a couple of guesses, but I think I get it.

Historically, General Pickett, I'm guessing, led his men into battle and got them slaughtered. And they broke the younger man's leg to stop him from being killed.

If that's the situation, it's a well told story. My only problem with it is that it might be too obscure. People (like me), may recognize the name General Pickett, but won't necessarily know how he fits in.

Having said that, I still may have gotten the gist of it, so that's a good thing. And it's definitely different than anything else I've read this month.

Thank you for entering. Good luck.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I read this a few times just because I liked it so much. I thought the line-by-line writing was a little inelegant but the overall story arc coupled with a strong beginning, middle, and end plus the double twist at the ending made this a highly satisfying read. I've only read nine scripts this month but this has been the best story so far. Well done. I gave HWM an excellent.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

So Abner saved John by breaking the boy’s leg? That’s what I got from the script. Not that I’m terribly smart but that the writing lead me to that conclusion.

I think this is a good basic script. A few questions, though. Why did Abner work him (John) over in the first scene? Didn’t quite get that. Especially if Abner was going to break John’s leg to save him. And a large stick? That broke the boy’s leg?

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I don't get it. I got it up until the point that they were looking for John. Then it lost me. I don't understand the title at all.

But besides that, it was written well, there were no typos and the formatting looked correct.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

I don't really get this. I looked up General Pickett for a clue, but it didn't help. This is a set up unpleasant events, happening during an unpleasant time in our history. Not much to make me enjoy this.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I'm ashamed to say that I am not a history buff, so a lot of this went over my head... especially the ending. But I didn't hold any of that against you. It's a good little script, and you successfully captured a whole story in just one page -- which is a feat in itself.

It's a VERY GOOD from me. Good luck!

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Wasn't sure where this was headed, but the final line of dialogue really nailed it. Like an old "Twilight Zone" in one minute. Rod Serling would surely approve. Very well done. Some readers won't know about Picket's Charge, and won't react as I did. Even so, I wouldn't change a thing.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Concise and tells so much with admirable constraint. Original and moving story and excellent title.

As you used FADE IN: it's a pity you omitted FADE OUT; there is space.

Excellent.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'll have to research the civil war, I've heard of Pickett's charge and after consulting wikipedia, sure it makes some sense. Yeah, otherwise the script made little sense to me, sorry. The writing is quite tight, a veteran writer I'm sure, so I may be missing something.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

There's some good news and some bad news for ya:

The good news is that your script was intriguing enough to me that I actually Googled Pickett and read about his charge at Gettysburg, and how his advancement was actually called the "High Water Mark" of the Confederacy.

The bad news is that the last line and the title would have been completely lost on me if I hadn't done that.

The good news is that I sincerely loved the moment where Abner drops "Got a feeling he might be oldest after today." A really nice reveal where we understand the motives behind the attack. Really nice.

I think if you basically pan out to show a MASSIVE opposing force on a distant hill, we get the necessary impact. We simply need a line or shot that shows the bleakness of the mission they're about to undertake. When you state the suicidal nature of the mission by dropping Pickett's name, you've reduced your engaged audience to people with a well above average knowledge of American history.

Would that be "dumbing down" this script? Absolutely.
But I believe you can do it in a way that leaves the emotions of the script intact. And those emotions...the absolute despair and bleakness of the American Civil War...those are part of the history to, and a part that can enroll people to learn more.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Historical background for the bloody Pickett's charge at Gettysburg.

This one will not be universally understood by readers. A SUPER: or year indicated in scene heading would help set where we are better than the vintage of the clothing. Clever way to show soldiers fighting among themselves to get on a bloodbath of a battlefield. Not sure Fuck You is Civil War vintage.

I read this a second time, was Abner doing the man a favor on purpose? If so, kudos on working that in.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Well there is a lot to read into here which is fine in a one pager but I'm left with more questions than answers. I get that this is in the battle of Gettysburg. What I don't get is why they beat up John. Is it because Abner wanted to be the color bearer or did they know Pickett's charge would be a disaster and the were protecting John because he was the youngest? I think the title refers to Gettyburg being the farthest north the south got or it could be Cemetery Ridge, Big Round Top or Little Round Top. Overall, this is good.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Cool one there!

It's perfect as a script but didn't see how it tallies with the subject of the competition.

Hope you bring out the main idea. After all that is the reason for this competition. Anyway, good job

James Hughes (Level 5)

I like that we think they're attacking him in the beginning and then we learn what they were really doing. You have the right balance of writing a clear story without saying what you are really saying. I give this very good.

i don't understand how the title relates to the script.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I think I need to be more of a history buff to fully understand the depth but it is well written

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I... have a feeling I am supposed to know who these people are to understand this story. Don't know, so don't get it. Are they real people? Let me look it up....

Yup. At least General Pickett is. I just found a cemetery dedicated to the other guy, so I'm assuming he's someone of importance.

Well... that's that problem with writing stories like these. You run into people like me :P.

Okay, so I'm assuming this is a joke because General pickett was fighting to keep the confederate states and the sergeant said that he knows what he's doing, and clearly he doesn't. What was the relevance of breaking some other guy's leg in the beginning?

Even doing a quick history search still makes this story complicated. Try and dumb it down for us stupid folk.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Whilst grammer and punctuation are fine here, and dialogue is mostly good (except for the odd sounding "Ahhh, fuck you, Abner Wilson!"), I can't say I'm able to follow what's going on here, which is an absolutely fundemental flaw. Perhaps it's just that I'm not very knowledgable on the American Civil war, but even so, I should be able to follow this more that I do.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

The formatting seems correct but there just isn't a story here. A couple soldiers beat up, possibly kill another soldier. I don't get it. The dialogue doesn't make sense. John says Abner's last name as he's being assaulted? The line about John being the oldest after today? The last line about the General?

I wish you the best of luck in revising this.

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

What is the relationship between Abner Wilson and John? Are they brothers? Friends? What happened to John after they beat the crap out of him? Who were the other men? Who is General Pickett and what does he have to do with the story? Was breaking John's leg the only option they had? Abner's motives are not clear. Is he trying to save John's life or did he just want to carry the colors?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's probably a good script but I did not understand it. I don't know what "works over" stands for in this case, but that could be just me.

I think you have the audience know who John is, because as a reader you told me but you didn't tell your audience.

Kisha King (Level 4)

The story is well written and straight to the point. I think you did a good job with keeping the tone of the story and bringing it all together in one page.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting Civil War scenario and homage to General Pickett.
Mentioning a specific southern town, Kiln, is a nice touch. But the significance may be lost on a reader/audience without prior knowledge. At first, not sure what Abner's comment about John's age means, "...he might be oldest after today." Thought the subtext might be too vague. But finally understand that it's a reference to Abner and company perhaps being killed "today," leaving John alive and the oldest. (Sergeant doesn't know Abner and company killed John.) A lot of thinking in this story -- a good thing.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Guess I need to know my history to get this one. Unfortunately I don't so I didn't get it at all.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the civil war setting.

I'm not sure exactly what the point of this story was. Abner and the others broke John's leg so he could be the color bearer? Did they do the same to the others from Kiln? I'm probably missing something here.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is pretty cool.

They were really saving the kid by breaking his leg, right? To me, it would have helped to know where Abner hit him (in the leg), but maybe I'm just slow.

I can't figure out the title, but I suspect that I'll appreciate it when someone explains it to me.

I thought this was really good, in spite of my inaptitude.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I like that this is a period script. Seems like you needed more room, feels like the story is just starting. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it ends with dialogue, like it was cut, I even tried to scroll down hoping to see more. You have "fade in" but no "fade out".
I think you should write a feature with this characters.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Visually it starts great, and then it just becomes too dry at the end. Not even a closing visual here, just ending on spoken dialogue. I dunno, strong ideas here, and loads of athmosphere, but the pacing is all off. Don't think this would really be a strong one minute film as you open on your strongest, most visually gripping moment.

You don't let us linger on the final realization either, too much exposition in the dialogue. Well written, sure, but as a one pager just not that strong.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I think you're relying way too much on the reader and audience having knowledge as to who General Pickett was and his charge at the Battle of Gettysburg during America's Civil War. MoviePoet is an international community and I think most aren't going to understand the reference.

I guess the story here is the irony that Abner and his accomplices are about to march to their demise. It's good poetic justice.

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is superbly written, with period-perfect dialogue and an obvious care for historical events. It's a great moment of treachery in the middle of a greater conflict.

I'm a complete Civil War illiterate. I am not proud of this. But consider this: aside from the fight, this stroy leaves me completely at sea. I have no idea what the consequence of striking the color bearer is, though I vaguely understand it's bad for Pickett. (Wikipedia filled me in with the connection to Gettyburg post-read, at least.) Ultimately, this feels unfinished, the middle of a story rather than a complete beginning, middle, and end. Emotionally, I'm unsatisfied. You risk this with every reader or viewer who doesn't know the Civil War like you do.

I wish there was a payoff to the first part that didn't require knowledge of Pickett's charge. But even if you fleshed this out into something more than a one-pager, this could be the starting point of an amazing script.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Did people really say fuck you in the 1860s?

I get the joke about picket knowing what he's doing, but I have no idea what the purpose of beating up John was about. I think I probably don't know enough American history to fully be able to appreciate this story. Hopefully others will.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I needed more from this. You made a point of identifying John and Abner but I never got what their differences were. Why only broken leg? Wouldn't he still be around if that was really the case? I like a period piece and I really liked the last line - foreshadows that these guys will get a come uppance but what was it that John did that brought on the beating. Maybe a line could have been used for this instead of 'hold 'em down boys' since that was clearly what they were doing anyway.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This is very well written but comes with its own caveats.

A knowledge of American Civil war History, and additional info about the Gettysburg Battle with "Pickett's" infamous cahrge is needed to comprehend what this story is really about.

I knew a bit, looked up the rest, and really like how you've encompassed a lot in this single page.

But, thinking from a universal point of view it wouldn't be as effective for every person reading your script and you're liable to be called out in that regard.

Good job. Lovely title!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was really an awesome script. I am totally blown away at how many fantastic stories there are this month. This one is one of the best ones. I hope it does well. It's harder to review scripts, when they are at this level of excellence. But what I really liked is that you told a full story, with great strong characters who had their own voice. I loved the twist at the end. It was perfectly executed.

Beautifully done!

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

It's probably me not being the brightest person in the world, but I didn't get this story one bit. I want to say it was too cryptic, but everything was spelled out very plain.

So, John broke his leg then they hit his leg with a stick? At first I thought they killed him, but he spoke afterwards. But, then he wasn't there with them in formation. Then, they say he's the oldest now. I don't know what it was, but I didn't like this story, mostly because I didn't understand it, but I don't think I'd have liked it anyway. The storytelling element was kind of rough. This might change by month's end.

Fair.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

There's a lot to this single page that I like. Your characterizations and dialogue are spot on.

Where this falls down for me is that I believe this to be a single page from a larger script. I say this because the script doesn't end with a reason as to why those men were attacking the other one. So there's no reveal, which was a let down.

It turns what I would have been a Very Good into a Good.

I hope we get to read whatever it was this scene was taken from. I know I'd like it.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I think we need to know more about these characters. Especially why they're beating up John. It all feels a bit empty and hollow as is, the twist could mean so much more if we can have a solid reason to really hate these men.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Well done. Great twist, great dialogue, great action and great sense of history.

In a rewrite, I hope you expand on this a bit. Hell, instead of a short, this can be a period piece feature.

Either way, I also hope you have the opportunity to shoot this with some living historians. Saving their brethren from a horrendous end always pulls at the heart.

Thanks for sharing!

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

I hope enough MPers understand the Civil War references in this.

I for one did and really enjoyed this. Good twists and creative character development for a single page.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2011 2:55 AM

Appreciate the great feedback and apologies for the vague historical references:

It is set during the battle of Gettysburg in the American Civil War. General Pickett's charge is often called the "High Water Mark" of the Confederacy as it was pretty much all downhill from there, the South never to invade the North again.

Kiln is a small town in Mississippi, often all the young men from a town would end up in the same unit - often all dying together. The Color Bearer (man carrying the flag) was the prime target of the enemy, fatality rate was high.

Thanks again to everyone.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2011 4:10 AM

You still got it, Bear! Hope we get to read more of our works, eh?

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2011 10:40 AM

I was lost on this one, but my husband loved it and thought it was great. He's the smartest person I've ever met. :)

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2011 5:22 PM

It's so wonderful to have you back in a MP contest.

This was really great. I love the twist, the setting, and your craft is excellent.

I hope we get to read more soon.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2011 8:28 PM

Thanks, Rusty Baby, you know it. You were spot on with me getting called out, you have a sense.
Pia, my bad, took a shortcut by folding it into history, but it only works for people who actually know that particular history. I do agree with you, you're husband must be one smart cookie, but no way he can be smarter than Rusty.
Thanks Chris, had an idea for last month, but didn't get it in. Moving to Houston on the 18th, hoping after that things will finally settle down. Your comments mean a lot to me, makes me miss the writing and certain I will get back into it.