Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

First off, I love the alliterating title!

The first slugline gives visual information (America), you should perhaps mention one or two details about the setting instead, in the first action paragraph.

The second action paragraph is full of passive sentences and the use of the verb "to be". It is said that it is better if active sentences are used, and the verb "to be" isn't uses as much :-) Active sentences carry more punch. For example:

"A huge arched attic window. Behind it

GABBY'S ATTIC ROOM."

That's enough I think. We can figure the rest. The director of photography will arrive at the luminous idea of zooming in and flying through that window so we see Gabby's attic room, and then zoom in on Gabby, showing the setting and introducing Gabby.

I like the mashup of technology and tween glamor. Very nice touch.

Funny, the Hello Kitty virus!

Ooooh great! We like Gabby, now the other guys are the spammers, and she's getting back at them! Grrrlpower fantasy, mixed with geekiness. I guess this would (could) appeal to both young girls and to computer types who know what IPV6 is. Actually, this would be THEIR fantasy.

You give Mom the following dialogue on page four: "O.M.G, L.O.L!", but that is how the younger generation speaks. You have to give her a more convincing mom voice.

The ending is kind of sudden. You spend large part of the first four pages on exposition, setting the scene as a teenager girl comes crashing down on horrible spammers all over the world from her girly bedroom, which is the spectacular part, and then the story kind of flutters to an end in an anticlimactic way.

Also, Gabby doesn't change. She just keeps pounding on geek types who spam others. A happy ending could be if she met a kindred soul in Club Penguin, but granted, that would be a cliche…

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

"Maybe it’s the Russians!" LOL

"MOM: O.M.G, L.O.L!" LOL

I like this idea. Really funny.

The ending could have been stronger. It doesn't really explain what happened except he gets the Pink Pop-ups from Hell.

Overall, very original and funny. EXCELLENT.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I'm not familiar with the phrase "kicks it". Be careful with your choice of slang.

"Uh.oh" and "oh.no". Remove the periods.

I don't see how Eric deserves a pop up attack. You have almost a full page left to flesh out the ending.

Your concept is funny and original but the screenplay reads like a short story. It's a bit too descriptive and some character emotions are told instead of shown.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Cute story. The writing format and your use of the English language made it an easy read.

I'm sure it'll be mentioned a hundred times, but you're not supposed to use "we" when describing an action or what no in scripts. But I say, "M'eh!" It worked for you so it works for me, and I don't really think it hurts your story.

Thanks for the read.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I hate spammers and I wish we could unleash Pretty Pink Popups upon them.

This is a fun script. The science doesn't make a lot of sense, but it still had a great energy to it. Also, I'm not sure I believe Gabby as a computer mastermind.

Still, I loved the image of the confused russians. I just wish you went after the Nigerian scammers too. :)

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I liked a lot about this, although the bubble-brained girl (or woman) who is really a genius is getting a little familiar.

Wasn't really much of an emotional tug, but I guess one wasn't intended.

"GABBY, 12, kicks it on her frilly bed..." I'm old and dense, but I didn't really get that.

But the whole package worked. Thanks for entering.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This has flashes of brilliance but takes a confusing dive in the last act. I was really into this script! But what was up with that ending, and what was the deal with Eric? I read it a couple of times but didn't get it.

Where you have "Russian accent" and "Japanese accent" etc. it should say "in Russian" or "in Japanese" etc.

I liked Gabby's dialogue, but when her Mom starts saying O.M.G, I had to roll my eyes. LOL also should never be used in dialogue.

This is really good, and I believe you're a rewrite away from an Excellent. Good luck!

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Great story, very creative and intriguing. The invention was definitely new and innovative. Invention of spam with bright colors, pastels and rainbows. I enjoyed reading the creative flare of the story line, plot and setting. You thought outside the box on this one and it really made the story come to life.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A computer savvy girl hammers on spammers (is a computer popup tangible?)

VERY GOOD.

The spammers reactions were priceless. The kid's explanation was detailed enough to be convincing. The ending could have been stronger. She had no pushback from anyone, ie conflict.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title works well for this story. Your craft is mostly good but I wonder why the people from the other countries speak with accents instead of speaking their language with subtitles. Also, you have a fade out but no fade in. You have the room and I would think you should use both or neither. The dialogue is good and seems realistic and natural for these characters with one exception. Takashi saying "Are you kidding me right now?" did not seem realistic to me. Your action lines are fine - they are clear and concise. The story is cute and fun and it is a quick read.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

From PPP to spammers to PPP to a guy that wasn't that cute. Doesn't sound fair to me. You've the challenge which is cool and it was a quick & easy read. I think you should of stuck with one spammer, and got Gabby to exact revenge at the end. Maybe someone from the Anonymous hackers group? And leave Eric out of the script. The idea of PPP is good. Maybe accidentally spamming the wrong person is a good idea like the FBI for a tiny scene?

All the best,

Javier

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I don't get this. I mean I got that a twelve year old girl is fighting back hackers, but all that junk she was talking and laughing about it... I know we weren't supposed to understand what she was talking about, but it just stopped being funny after a while.

I don't know if the mom was being sarcastic when she sad lol and omg. Either was was strange to me.

I think you need to visualize the tone of your script before doing the rewrite, then write accordingly. The action of the script has to match the tone.

Jeffrey Bruno (Level 1)

While the premise of a little girl foiling malicious computer hackers could be humorous, it is a stretch and hard to believe. The story doesn't go anywhere. The antagonists are introduced in the first page and never brought back. The main character is just as annoying as her pop-ups. Poor concept to base a script around and not well written.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's funny and a good idea. I kind of got a kick out of a girl who spams all these stupid boys who spam her to get her attention. The boys were funny, the girl too. The end makes sense and a good way to finish it, a nice twist. A little predictable twist but predictability doesn't spoil it because it's kind of quick. Overall I think it's a Very Good script. Good luck to you this month.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Cute story idea. Love all the visual fodder that surrounds Gabby. The characters from different countries are distinct and interesting. Amazing how "connecting" to the entire world is so possible.
The description of Gabby's room, "...where technology and tween glamor meet," might be better immediately following the first INT. GABBY'S ATTIC ROOM" header. Not a fan of addressing a reader with "our attention" or "we."
Maybe condense Takashi's comment to simply, "Where did you come from?" Add quotation marks to "Hello Kitty." Control-Alt-Delete with hyphens and, perhaps, a few words explaining what the keystrokes do (for Mac-users or non-computer-literate).
Fabulous title.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how you build up then subvert our expectations about Gabby. It's difficult to make hacking or anything involving a computer look interesting on screen, but I think with the combination of the different locations around the world and the pink popups themselves it should be fun,

"INT. RUSSIA - DARK ROOM - NIGHT"
Sluglines should really be as simple as possible. Written like this there's no way to know on screen that we're in Russia. It also suggests that we're inside the actual country.

Even if the Mom didn't know anything about technology I'd think she'd be a little more concerned. There has been a lot of hacking in the news. There's a long chunk of expository dialogue when she's explaining it to Mom, but you can't really remove it. Maybe have more action to break it up a bit?

Very good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was cute. Good revenge story. Not sure about your technical explanation but I guess it had enough buzzwords in it. I think it's a bit short, however. It could use a bit more about this guy and why she decided to pop-up him. That is what she did at the end isn't it?

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Very well done. Nice character description and dialog, nice story. The only small thing I would have done differently would be to have the foreign scenes spoken in the appropriate language with sub-titles. Maybe with an English swear word or two recognizable. That's a really minor point. Excellent job.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was a fun read. Nice descriptions and great dialog. I really liked Gabby and vicariously enoyed her spammers revenge. Didn't get the end, though. Sorry.

Mitch Underhill (Level 2)

Good premise. Very funny. Formatting was good. The only problem that stood out to me was the dialogue.

For example:
GABBY
(yells)
Just gotta send out to a few more,
be right down.

"Just gotta send out to a few more" implies that her mom knows what she is doing. But when Gabby enters the kitchen, we find out she doesn't.

Most of the conversation with Mom was mere exposition, explaining what could and should have been shown or implied.

Also, this line is a bit redundant.


GABBY
MY scripty thingy slams them with
images based on their country of
origin.

The PPPs on the various monitors already showed us this.

Like I said; a good premise, but the execution needs a little more work.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

So well written! Then it kinda shuts down? You didn't know how to end this did you? Perhaps go with the apocalyptic: All machines and things get it or something.
Feels so rushed at the end, which is weird, cuz I thought you would be going for first place right there and then.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the concept of this, especially getting revenge on spammers! For me though I’m not sure this is a fully formed story as it stands. She does something, and it works. Seems like she needs to encounter some obstacles and conflict.

“The huge arched attic window is where our attention is drawn and then we are in:” – I have no problem with your writing for this kind of shot. However I’d suggest wording it differently so that it doesn’t trigger too many reader’s “directing the camera” alarm bells. It could be, say “A huge arched attic window looms over the street. Cracked paint, smeared glass, through which is--“.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I thought this one was cute, but sad at the same time. I think you pulled off the 12 year old girl perfectly and I liked what she did to those guys.

Suggestions, one of the guys can be cut. We get the picture. Since the script is short I think you can expand it a little for characterization and story's sake. I'd like to see the mom a little more concerned over the girl's internet addiction. And also being alone in a room to apparently be allowed to do whatever online. I'm sure she's a smart girl and don't get mixed up with "bad guys", but it seems very irresponsible of the mother to let her do this. And parental settings obviously wouldn't work here. :)

Robert Hestand (Level 3)

VERY nice (professional and refreshing) writing style. The writer has an experienced knack for laying it out visually with great (but tight) detail. Thought the concept was clever (and ironic, which is always a plus). I think the idea of a young girl hacking the Internet could be a very fun family-friendly feature, as well. Go for it!

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

This was a cute, comical little diddly that I enjoyed whole heartedly. I personally hate spam, and any story I get a chance to read that serves just desserts to spammers makes me smile!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Well, full marks for originality, for some of the best exposition behind the science used in your story and for really memorable characters.

Now give me some pay-off. I mean there's no inherent conflict for Gabby and she isn't really troubled in any way and just does all these things to other people.

As such it just gives me great character development, but she essentially probably continue doing what she does and I'm left with wondering does anything happen to her now?

There is a sense of something left unfinished in this and it seems like part of a much larger story.

Is that the case?

Love the title but feel that the opening scene isn't really needed, as it's clished stock used in plenty of films and TV shows that I've seen in the past.

I'd love to see this elaborated.

Good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

So much pink! LOL. I like your title a lot, and the story is good, not believable, but entertaining. I think you need to cut way back on the descriptions of Gabby's room and her obsession with pink. Less is more.

I honestly didn't buy into Gabby's character though, she's twelve and she's able to hack into other people's computers all over the world? And yet she's this bubbly twelve year old, who loves everything pink.

I wasn't sure what was going on with Eric, but I'm guessing, she figured out he's not who her friend thinks he is, he's some weirdo online and she messes with his computer and does her pink stuff to him, at the end of the script.

I think your dialogue is very strong. It flows well and sounds like a twelve year old, until she talks to her mother about what she's doing. The mother is totally clueless, which makes me not like her, because parents should monitor their child's behavior on the computer.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

A lot of what the girl is saying is lost on me, both the techncial side and the tweener side eg. I have no idea what club penguin is.

I'd suggest that your scene headers aren't really correct, in that you can't have INT. JAPAN - ROOM - NIGHT. It's obviously not going to be shot on location around the world, and if it's important to know where it's supposed to be taking place then use a SUPER to show the country we are in. Otherwise the info doesn't mean anything.

The story idea is okay, and good to see the internet spammers getting their comeuppance. But I was a little confused as to what we are actually seeing on their computers. Some of the dialogue seemed a bit off, like the mum saying OMG LOL. Is that really how mum's talk? Seemed strange. Actually saying Oh my God I could buy, but I've never heard a grown woman say OMG. Anyway, an okay effort overall.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

I found this a tough read. In part it felt like you were trying to direct it on the page which has been one of my own problems in the past.

The huge arched attic window is where our attention is drawn
and then we are in:

This is what makes me immediately feel there's a director at work in you here. By stating: The huge arched attic window. . the reader's attention is already focused on where you wish it to be.

Flowers, in
full bloom parallel the sidewalks.

Whilst I know what you are saying, it feels gramatically incorrect and so immediately gives the reader a cautious disposition on the script at hand.


frilly bed, pearly pink laptop, bedazzled
cellphone.

again feels a little excessive on the description side and could perhaps be made more concise.

My other major concern with this script, is the parenthesis direction of (in accent) for the dialogue; I would prefer it to be (in Japanese) or (In Russian) and subtitled, but that is a personal choice.

Comments Made After the Contest

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2011 1:08 AM

I gave this an excellent, Dawn.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2011 9:25 AM

Thank you for all your comments. It was fun to write. I def. need to buy Final Draft or Movie Magic.

Glad it was well recieved. ;-) Love the feedback.

I had no idea how to do the accents, I always want to ask these things in forum but am afraid that I will blow cover! ;-)