Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was intense. I love zombie movies. I think you got a good grip on this genre. You are very good with action scenes too. However, there are a couple of things your script needs to be perfect.

1- Giving the villain a Muslim name won't give your story an edge. Some people just my think you are a racist.

2- I wish you could drop the whole idea of telling us how the plague started.

3- You need a different villain. I'd go with the cops. Make them stay. Make them more evil.

4- The infection happened way too fast. And how come your characters are the only survivors we encountered in the movie. Readers won't buy this. The plague didn't spread long ago. There should be more survivors.

5- When Robert killed Omar and there was like 30 pages to go, I was like "What else is going happen here?" Then I realized you meant to leave some space for their journey back home. Bad idea. Main villains stay till the end. First, I was reading the script to know how Robert is going to find his daughter, then, when he met her, there was nothing left for me in the story.

6- The originality is a big issue here also. What make your zombie story different from the others. Survival of a father trying to save his daughter? I don't see much here.

7- The dialogue sometimes felt a bit unbelievable. When Robert said nice shot. When he was proud of his son killing zombies near the river. People, don't act like this under pressure. Also when Jackie was talking how the Sail man with a hole in his chest was disgusting. She was pissing her pants a couple of scenes ago, I don't think that would be her reaction in that situation.

8- I don't understand why you put the scene of Brent eating a pussy? It didn't make sense to me.

9- You got a lot of bang bang in your script. It just didn't felt right for me.

10- I didn't relate to Robert that much, nor his daughter. You need to fix this. Give us a reason to care about them.

Overall, it was a fun ride. My biggest disappointment was the villain being killed and the daughter found near page 60. It was a good script.

Good luck

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

The first ten pages read much smoother than last time.

"The spectacle would make Barnum and Bailey proud." Nice.

We still don't see how the "vagrant" gets infected. I don't see the point of showing the beginning with how the virus is created if we don't see the connection to the rest of the story. You could just lose the beginning and start with the homeless man at the rock concert. Or connect the dots. Either way, but as-is I feel it is jarring.

"Sounds like another terrorist attack." Huh? Where did he hear that? From the phone somehow?

"Get your mother." Huh? The dad keeps talking about the mother but where is she? Also the logline says he's a widowed father. Color me confused... Oh, OK. Later he says his wife is in an urn. Did I just miss the kid carrying the urn before? It is a little odd that he takes it with him, but I guess he's recently widowed.

"Don't talk to me." LOL... Well that didn't last long lol

Well... Dude could have shot him before he got to the count of three.

Hmm, a lot of people's faces "drop." You might want to be a little more descriptive and change it up. It's grating after the second or third time.

"...if you can figure out a way to squeeze those through." LOL

"He puts a finger to his lips signaling her to be quiet." Lose the part after "lips"...literally everyone over the age of three knows what that signals.

I'm not sure I understand what happened and the whole thing with grabbing the guitar and etc.

"You look hot."... ??? I'm not sure what that is. Comic relief? For me, it made my suspended disbelief turn into regular disbelief. In other words, the threat didn't seem very threatening at that point.

The terrorist guys are pretty dumb to hang out in the city where they caused a breakout of this type. I have no idea who they are calling a traitor. I guess they are just anarchists then? Not very bright anarchists?

I don't think gunshots can be "OS." It's just the sound.

"He comes from a savage land." Since his name is Palermo I'm forced to assume that is mother Sicily :P

"I'm valuable too! You don't think some eccentric perv might want to ass rape their former favorite celebrity in the new world?" :S lol

"Damien looms lover his shoulder." Typo lover=over

How did the Dad know the kid was across the street?

"I think I might need to change my codpiece." LOL

"Vagrant stands with his arm [around] woman in her 40s." Also, you probably wanted to say he was cleaned up in the pic, and maybe younger?

So I guess in the end they all die because of the rabbit. What about the rest of the world? Did everyone die? All I can tell you is that I'm not thrilled with this ending.

Overall, good first draft. Keep polishing.

[3]

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I'm going to preface my comments with the page number.

3) Ellis spent a good amount of time developing a virus and didn't think to create a cure?

5) "HUOMO". I have no idea how to pronounce this.

7) The news report serves as your catalyst but it's a bit early. I haven't had enough time to get to know Amber and Robert better. Usually a catalyst strikes around page 10 - 14.

9) I can't think of a reason why a survivalist would put his son in harm's way by bringing him along to find Amber. Why can't he stay in the bunker?

23) Brent, Huomo, and Damien are fighting for their lives. They're not safe yet. It's too early for jokes about their names. Let them get to safety and unwind, then let the jokes fly.

29) I expected Robert to put up a fight against Cooper. A survivalist against an old man? Robert bends over to retrieve the weapons, and with a flash knocks Cooper's rifle away.

29) I can't tell what your tone is. The sex scene is gratuitous and works if it's a raunchy comedy. But then you have a somber Robert and Tony fighting for their lives. Too much contrast in tone.

37) It's only hours into the outbreak. It's much too early for law enforcement to idly stand by waiting for unsuspecting civilians. They should be in panic mode like the rest of the town and looking for safety. Days later, when they realize all is lost, THEN they can shake down civilians.

44) "Brent stares back at her silently, unsure of a response". Omit "unsure of a response". His silence is enough.

45) "Jackie's head from Brent to the bus to Brent and back. The zombies stop spins pounding on the bus" Typo.

48) The repeated "BANG!" sounds are unnecessary and distracting. You can replace them with "SIX GUNSHOTS".

48) "Cautiously, Damien reaches the lever, eases open the door a few inches." The characters are making a dumb decision. As a horror fan, I can honestly tell you this is the point in the film where the entire audience will yell "Don't open the fucking door!"

Yes, it does produce a quick scare, but it sacrifices our investment in the characters. The more dumb decisions a character makes, the less we care about them.

50) Interesting side note: how does Robert know to shoot the zombies in the head?

51) The dumpster scene is very cool and original. If you want to ratchet up the excitement, give the road a slight decline. Robert gives a push and hops in the dumpster. He and Tony blaze a trail of gunfire while the dumpster rolls down the hill.
Damn, that'd be cool.

54) If the power is out, then shouldn't the hotel lights extinguish too?

62) Where did Damien get the razor blade?

63) "Damien looms lover his shoulder." Typo

66) "Zombie cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, hamsters, mice and rats occupy the pens." You'll have to explain this. The zombies would have to open or destroy the cages to access the pets. If the pets were bitten, then the cages should be open and the animals free roaming. If they're penned in, then they should be virus free.

71) "The zombie's body falls limp, but the head remains animated," You're contradicting yourself. A headshot from a gun will kill a zombie, but a knife to the head will not?

73) A sewer drain in a pet shop? Sure, why not.

87) "Skipper called and he wants his physique back!" Good line!

91) Why is it taking so long for Robert to turn into a zombie?

97) Nice surprise with the zombie rabbit.

Your greatest strength is the action and tension. The attack in the nightclub, tour bus, and pet store are filled with excitement, gore, and suspense.

What works against you are the characters. I know nothing about them and therefore don't care about them. Their physical attributes stand out, but personally I don't care if they live or die.

Another concern is the pacing. Your script is non stop action. There is no down time for the characters to lick their wounds and reconcile their differences. At 98 pages, you have room for such scenes. Show the rebellious Amber apologizing to Robert for going to the concert. Show Robert apologizing to Amber for not being a better father.

The contrast in your tone is too strong. You have tongue in cheek characters meshed with serious characters. Rather than split things down the middle, lean one way or the other. Robert can be the strength of the group but he can also be neurotic and offer bits of comedy.

Despite these shortcomings your script is entertaining and I would watch the film start to finish. I'm giving it a GOOD.

Bryony Quigly (Level 3)

So I’ve watched well over my fair share of zombie films and when I read your logline my heart sank just that little bit, but I really enjoyed reading your script!

Good setup. Loving the way the infected rat runs into the bushes. Ellis zombifies a lot faster than Robert – reason? I only noticed this on the re-read, but on my first read through I did wonder why Robert was taking so long to zombificate.

Dialouge: All really good, a couple of Amber’s lines stuck out as unnatural to me though:

Page 5 - the Conversation between Jackie and Amber, specifically Ambers line “Yeah… He’s getting better.” I was really hooked up until that point and drew me out the story because I couldn’t make sense of the conversation. Bottom of Page 12: “The door’s our only hope” I’d change this for a more natural sounding line.

Characterisation: Great! You manage to establish really clearly who Brent, Huomo and Jackie are on Page 5. Robert is the best character of the lot, his desires and fears driving the story. If you could make the audience connect better with Huomo I might connect more with his death. At the moment I'm just going "Oh, so Huomo's dead" maybe have Brent portray his grief in something other than a fit of rage?

Amber is the weakest character in the story. She’s a teen who’s gone to the city for a concert WITHOUT telling her father. I’m unsure if you had Jackie drag her there, or if she came of her own accord? She comes across as slightly pathetic which I think is bolstered by the fact she was ‘out of the house when she shouldn’t be.’

Page 21: “Out of the truck, Robert pumps two shots in to his skull.” Reading this it makes it sound like he’s shooting himself in the head. You may want to consider this?
Page 24: “Amber wanders passed” should be “Amber wanders past”

The mother/urn was a nice touch, along with the zombie pet shop (original and cinematic). I’m really bad at feature structure but in my opinion this did pretty well. I read it pretty much all the way through without stopping. Things were happening all the time. Two essential good things I think.

Good, touching ending. Scary zombie dogs! Nice twist having a zombie rabbit trapped in there with them - Damien really isn’t all that bright.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

There was no wasting time in getting to the action. Ten pages into the script and we're off and running -- no bells and whistles just hardcore killing and zombies. I don't mind that approach, because I always like a story that starts fast with lots of action. But I just never really feel in love with the characters.

Robert is a bad ass zombie killer who knows everything. The dude was perfect -- no conflict, no short-comings, nothing, he was perfect. Tony was m'eh. Amber was m'eh. Damien just felt like he was along for the ride and to make the occasionaly joke. I found myself rooting that Jackie would die and then when she did die; it felt like a big let down --- like that was it?! They tried to ditch this character twice, and she survives both incidents to die in a boating mishap -- she deserved a more gruesome death. The three bad guys open the story with promise but then they suddenly reappear -- we discover their motives but it turns out that the rats spread the disease -- they die and it's like that's it. I'm still not clear on why they wanted to spread the disease, so they can start a new world -- and feel Jackie's boobs. Why did they want to kill mankind? So, that the three of them could live among themselves in an abandon hotel? Brent was a fat guy who felt like a cliche killing, and the sex scene between him and Jackie felt unncessary. Don't get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next dude, but in this instance, it felt forced and made the story awkward. Huomo deserved a better death than that.

Of all the main protagnist characters (Robert, Amber, Tony, Damien, Jackie, Huomo, and Brent) only one dies at the hands of the zombies. You could've at least killed Huomo and Brent in a similar fashion. Lets see the zombies powers in your eyes and in your words. So, I was a bit let down in that regard. Especially Jackie, I really wanted her to die some sort of gruesome death at the hands of the zombie.

I had a pretty good idea that Robert was going to become a zombie, but I don't understand why the disease took so long to turn him into a zombie. And speaking of the zombies, what did they look like in your opinion? I'm assuming that the zombies and regular humans looked similar in apperance, because that's the only conclusion I have for the Government (Cops) killing Huomo like that on the roof.

I didn't care for Cooper or the Cops. I needed to see more hysteria from the town and sudden urge to believe that the whole world was going chaotic. Both scenes reminded me of that scene from The Happening when the boy gets shot in the head. Also, Robert hits the cops with his truck while picking up the pistol at the same type? That's freaking incredible.

I was hoping that you would explain the story behind the mother's death, because the trouble of getting the urn felt a little forced. Mom's dead but we don't know why and we don't know how it's effecting the family. They go through so much trouble to make sure that Mom's with them, but there's really no explanation about her. I'm not expecting a whole back story or a flashback, but maybe her death could be the reason that Amber didn't tell her father that she was going to this concert or the reason his family's falling apart.

The ending was a bit m'eh. They went through all that for them to eventually die in the end.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Well, first off, congratulations for completing this because I know how tough it is to get through a feature and keep a hold of all those story strands.

Immediately below is my conclusion and below that are the notes I made as I read.

I think what I really needed to have done was to read a zombie/action based script in the same mode as this one to see what the conventions are, because to be honest I found it baffling. Baffling in that it was simply, to me, a string of zombie attacks and the escapes of the characters and chases, YET the characters themselves to me were one dimensional with the possible exception of Robert. They didn't develop and some were downright incredible - like Damien.

What was MOST baffling to me was that they didn't seem to exhibit real fear and certainly no sorrow - friends being massacred right, left and centre yet it was brushed off and forgotten in seconds as though it was as meaningless as losing a packet of candy or something. And perfectly okay with the fact that an 11 year old boy was running around shooting everything in sight.

They seemed as unengaged with each other as I was with them - they didn't seem to care and so neither did I.

I didn't really get the mother in the urn thing - I didn't get hold of any real feeling there somehow.

BUT - perhaps this is how zombie/action scripts are always written? - not from the point of view of the characters and how they develop and relate to each other in extreme circumstances, but as a series of set pieces of horrific attack and massacre.

The tone to me seemed odd - sometimes silly frat humour, if that's the right expression and sometimes desperation in terrifying circumstances which didn't seem to mix together very well in my opinion because I wasn't sure what I was meant to feel - was I meant to laugh, cry, feel fear? As I said, baffling!

The ending certainly wasn't particularly expected which is good - nothing worse than predictability...

So - the above is what I though


Notes as I read.

P4 Roadie I'll have what he's having -why would anyone want to vomit and collapse?

P9 seems a bit incredible that there are all the warnings on the TV international ones saying everyone stay inside yet the concert goes on?

Seems odd that he'd take the urn out hunting for Amber (but not odd that ne should take it down the bunker)

P10 not entirely sure why you don't use the word 'the'-the vagrant,the security guard - it doesn't read so well and it's not as if you're short of space.

More security guards rush not rushes

page 13 I forgot to feed the dogs

P 24 Not engaged in the teen characters...

P 26- the tone of the piece? Too jokey? Is it a drama? Or WHAT? There's a discrepancy between the tone of the Robert/Tony story and that of the teens.

P 44 Boy do you like the word atop! It seems to occur every other line!

Its not it's bent metal

P 45 Jackie's head from Brent to the bus to Brent and back again??

P 46 We haven't seen Omar etc for so long I had forgotten who they were or their relevance to the story. Seems odd they were in the opening scene yet are not a major part of the plot...

P 48 Do we really need the BANG BANGS when you say six shots...

P 53 There is no apostrophe after gonna or wanna

P 57 not convinced by the ass rape defence or that Damien reaches out hands joyfully...

P62 A great deal of detail entailed in the fight - is it really necessary to put in every blow?

Damien looms lover his shoulder?

P 65 bears down not bares down

P67 before they, not before the

P68 its mark not it's

P79 .Can't understand why Robert would send Tony and co up river to meet him- doesn't make any sense.

P80 its tethers not it's

Why did they not explain to the boat owner and escape together?

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: As I read "All Things Evil" I felt like I kept asking myself "why this"..."why that"...for instance, on pg. 25 WHY does AMBER decide to stay behind? Is breaking up the group a "smart" decision?...Does she think she has a better chance to survive by herself (or even with BRENT)?...She should have some valid argument to NOT going on. Perhaps she thinks they won't survive the weather. Then the group should have a real argument about what they are going to do. Why does COOPER (who's boarded up his house) ALLOW TWO COMPLETE ARMED STRANGERS INTO HIS HOUSE? He can see that they aren't carrying any food and LOGIC WOULD DICTATE that two armed men could certainly overtake him. Another leap of logic is ROBERT dumping gasoline on the porch WHEN HE'S GOING TO NEED EVERY DROP OF IT when he drives off in COOPER'S TRUCK? With all hell breaking loose, there's no certainty to essential supplies (e.g. water, fuel). The issue that must be solved in "All Things Evil" is that the premise of the story is at odds with the story itself. You set up the premise of this "contagion" that spreads rapidly and its effects are realized (almost) instantaneously, yet, after ROBERT is jabbed with a FULL SYRINGE OF THE VIRUS, he survives with little, or no, effect for 30 PAGES!!! As with most sci-fi stories, you are allowed to set up whatever you want early in the screenplay, but then you MUST STICK TO THE PARAMETERS of that reality in which you created. Otherwise your reader will struggle to comprehend your story.

WRITING: For the most part, the writer displayed a decent enough grasp of the craft. Some major issues would be: overly directing the actors eyes...it really became annoying to have to read "turns his eyes to her"..."stares back at her silently" (by the way, if there's no dialog spoken by that character, THEN IT HAST TO BE SILENTLY!)...much of the description is overwritten (pg. 46 penthouse scene is overwritten and unnecessary because it doesn't advance the story)...the fight scene on pg. 62 is an excellent example of trying to choreograph every single blow...just give the reader the "bullet points" and MAJOR beats of the fight. Try to think of it as a picture postcard of the action. I'm sure the read would move up on a tighter rewrite.

IN CONCLUSION: The zombie genre is one that has been "done to death" (no pun intended), and while they still have commercial appeal, you really have to present a unique twist on the genre to get noticed. I didn't feel there was anything "fresh" or "original" in "All Things Evil" that made it stand out as an original take on the Zombie world. I'd suggest reading this http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2011/04/maggie.html screenplay, because it might help generate some fresh twists to when doing your rewrite.

___________________EXCELLENT_____GOOD_____FAIR_____NEEDS_WORK
STORY PREMISE___________________________________X____________
CHARACTERS_________________________________X_________________
WRITING_____________________________X________________________
STRUCTURE__________________________________X_________________
DIALOG_____________________________________X_________________
COMMERCIAL APPEAL_______________________________X____________

OVERALL
STORY: PASS
WRITING: CONSIDER/PASS

David M Troop (Level 4)

What would a features contest on Movie Poet be without a zombie movie? And not just any zombie movie. This time we have the up-in-your-face, zombie adrenaline rush "All Things Evil." This is a non-stop action spec that slows down just long enough to reload.

The movie starts with a some short scenes to set up the premise and introduce the heroes and villians before it puts the pedal to the metal and sticks a concrete block on top of the pedal. It is always wise to write about what you know. This writer KNOWS his zombies! He also knows how to write an edge-of-your-seat action film.

The movie introduces its villians on page one. A band of terrorists who posses a virus that will turn anything breathing into a zombie. There is no cure and the virus spreads faster than a hooker on New Year's Eve. The heroes are Robert (Dad), Tony (young son), Amber (teen daughter), and a metal urn (Mom). We see Robert and Tony returning from a hunting trip (which establishes their familiarity and skill with guns and rifles) as the crap begins to hit the fan. Amber is in the big city with her girlfriend at a rock concert.
So, Dad, Tony and Mom must shoot their way through hoards of zombies, find Amber, and get back to the bunker without getting eaten alive. I'm in!

What did I like? There is a lot to like.

First of all, the writer knows his subject backwards and forewards, and lives to write about freakin' zombies. But knowing what to write is not the same as knowing how to write. The author is a very skilled action film writer. The pace is relentless. The script clocks in at just under 100 pages, but there is enough action for two or three movies.
There is humor in some spots which helps you catch your breath. I thought Robert making his son drag Mom's urn everywhere was hilarious. Catch-phrase alert: "Get your mother."
The characters are shoved in your face because there is no time to stop and chat and get to know everybody. You get to like them more and more as the story hurtles onward.

What didn't I like? Not much.

I thought the terrorists' plan was a little vague, if they even had a plan.
Why destroy mankind and rule a world of zombies? The author eludes to the terrorists not intending this to happen. What else can you do with a zombie virus though?

And going back to the American scientist who invents the virus. Why would you invent a virus that destroys all of mankind for a million bucks? And why would you sell it to terrorists? You know you ain't seeing any of that money. Let alone getting out of the place alive. That's why they call them terrorists.

The biggest problem in a zombie movie is you're stuck in a formula and you have to make the movie stand apart from past zombie movies. There are only so many variables...the survivors, the locations, the death toll, the action, and humor. There are strict zombie rules. The author must add his own style to the template and create something original. When this is accomplished you get "Dawn of the Dead." "28 Days Later" or "Zombieland." With very minor tweaking and a good director, "All Things Evil" would sit very comfortably beside any of these films.

The only thing I really did not like was the ending. I know the author was going for a shock ending with heavy irony, but I would have liked to seen the story stop when the door to the panio room slams shut.

Overall, this is a great zombie/action script. NO! It's a freakin' zombie EPIC!

EXCELLENT!

Douglas Farra (Level 2)

I liked the begining scenes with the bad guys and how we got right to it. Then we meet some of our main characters in their normal lives. Though there is a lot of in depth introduction there was enough to make you already like them.

I think the club scene could use some extra description for the dialog since it is loud and they should be yelling at each other in order to hear. The way it is wirtten makes me think they are still in their normal voices. Even though I know better, my mental image still wanted to remove them from the loudness. Maybe a (yelling) before the dialog. Also I am not a big fan of air duct escapes. They are far from anything realistic and have been used way to many times, its time for something new. I also feel like the storage room scene struggles around page 34. There is just a time lapse with no dissolve to: or cut to:. Also, the door to the storage room opens into the hallway, that is established since it helps them barricade some zombies on two occasions. But when inside they use a crate to hold the door shut, this implicates the door now opens in. It doesnt match up. I dont get how the helicotper would have met its doom either. Page 45 has INT. TRUCK NIGHT "Suburbia glides by the windows" are they now in the city? They just left suburbia, so that doesn't make sense. I think the scenes that start on PG 46 should include a visualization of the characters seeing the truck and car collide. It would make more sense for when Palermo goes down and rescues them. It was also a little weird that Robert just assumed he was injected with the virus with no previous implication that the virus was man made or that he just happen to come across the guy who had some virus in a syringe. Then the pet store... why would the animals in the cages be infected, I get the dog since it is out and roaming around, but the pets in cages would have had to have been taken out, bit and then put back in. Sewer grate in a pet store? Another Hollywood descepency that should disappear. Page 74 INSERT PHOTOGRAPH - missing the word "around" in the description. Something that really needs to be changed more than anything else was when the characters stole the boat. Their behaviors and actions did not match that of what they have presented all through the story. I understand that things are hectic and they are trying to survive but the characters have shown that they have deep seeded moral values, so much that they risk their lives for the wifes ashes. But they decide its okay to kill the boater event though they could have just stopped him or thrown him over board like the other. I think they could have made allies instead of enemies and would have tried. PG 94. Robert questions Tony about leaving the door open to the bunker but then pulls the door open to find a zombie dog inside. Was the door open or closed? If it was closed how did the dog get in? And now the rabbit... mmm, I dont know, but okay.

What I did like was the overall story. Like I said, I liked the characters and I liked the way they came into the story. I love Zombies and Zombie stories and am actually writting one of my own right now. The action sequences were really good and seemed like they were tracked well, not messing up on quantities of ammunition and how many Zombies came and went are big with me. There is nothing I cant stand more than when heros start shooting guns and never run out of bullets. Or when a story shows like 10 or 20 bad guys but then it seems like there are 300. I think the writter did well in keeping to porportions. Also I enjoyed the dialog. Even though a lot of it was short, I could buy the language in which it was spoken. It seemed like real people were talking, acting and reacting. Except for the boat scene where they eliminate the boaters. Lost the characters' morals there. Overall the story was written well even though I critiqued a lot of points. It happens when I write too. I miss things and need to go back and fix them. It doesnt meen I didnt like the story or what happened, just giving suggestions. I do like that Robert dies but like I said, I am unsure about the rabbit at the end. Overall I really enjoyed it, good job.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

ALL THINGS EVIL (97 pages)

EXCELLENT!

Here are my comments:

-- From the frying pan into the fire. The hurdles our hero had to overcome kept coming. Nonstop action.

-- They were on a hero's journey to the concert and back to the bunker.

-- The urn was a little weird as Mother

-- The events circled around. The Vagrant, the terrorists, the camper, the bunker. Nice dovetailing of events.

-- Characters were real and separate. Even Jackie who was annoying was good. They all changed or showed their true selves.

-- The ending was classic double tap of the horror, thinking we were safe in the bunker and then its zombie rabbits.

-- I didn’t get why the terrorists were doing this other than anarchy is the basis of freedom. In a way, it’s not important. The characters have to react to the changed world.

-- I wanted Robert to torch the old man’s house so bad. But at least he threw the terrorist to the Zs.

-- This is a great example of a script that’s hard to break out into plot turning points for each act but works because it was always moving forward.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

First of all, congratulations on finishing your full length script. That is quite an accomplishment. The title fits your story very well. It sets the mood and tone and hints at the genre. Your craft is mostly very good but I do have some comments and/or questions. On page thirty two, Damien "screams" but it would seem more natural if it were Amber that screams. On page forty, the truck "flips a u-turn". "Flips" threw me off as I thought it actually flipped. Would "spins" a u-turn work? On page forty three, you write "The exchange a glance" when I'm sure you meant "THEY exchange a glance". On page forty five, you write "Jackie's head from Brent to to the bus to Brent and back." I think "turns" is missing after "head". On page sixty two, I'm sure "lover" his shoulder should be "over" his shoulder. On page sixty six, how did the animals in the pet store become "zombified" if they are still in their pens? Was someone or something able to bite them through the cage? On page seventy four, you write "Vagrant stands with his arm a woman in her 40s." I think "around" is missing after "arm". And on page eighty six, you write "He bounds towards the ladder tht leads to the controls". I'm sure it should be "He bounds towards the ladder THAT leads to the controls". From a logic standpoint, why does Robert take so long to become infected when everyone else was infected almost instantly?
The dialogue is good and I found some of the teenage banter amusing (like "Your name is Homo?"). The story is certainly filled with action and moves along well. It should do well with those that enjoy this genre.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

So, “All Things Evil”, here we go. Please keep in mind that I’ll be mainly pointing out things I think can be improved, so it may seem like a lot of criticism when really I might love it.

Firstly, this is a superb title, don’t change a letter!

Pg 1. First line’s really important, I think you can polish yours a bit. On one hand the suv ‘leading’ the dust is a cool image, but this is outweighed by the bad structure of the sentence. It needs to be broken up into multiple sentences or at least have some commas inserted.
About Ellis: Would a nerdy scientist still bother wearing a lab coat if he were working for criminals in an improvised lab? I just think that given these circumstances, the coat makes him look like stereotypical.
2/3. This virus seems very similar to the one in “28 days later”, I also noticed that you call victims the “infected” in your logline and the opening is somewhat similar.
This whole opening is good, it sets up the story with a bang, but it’s also very conventional for this type of movie, I find we often see the antagonists causing some shady mayhem as an introduction to a film. It’s structured and written well enough, just a little unsurprising.
4/5. I much prefer your introduction to Jackie and Amber than to the antagonists, the scene is rich but there is one thing that niggles me. They seem to be verging on the stereotype of “teens who are losing their way”, as a teen it’s tough to see us so often portrayed the same way.
6/7. Wow, strait into the epidemic right away. Whilst I like that you’ve done something different by getting strait to the dilemma of the film so immediately, I just wish I had a little more feeling for the characters by this point of crisis, especially the father and son characters.
9. “Get your mother”, this is a dark dark recurring line but I love it.
10. A concert, what a great place to stage a zombie attack scene. Still, this all seems to be happening to quickly, I wish we’d had a scene with both Amber and her Dad in so we can see them together as a family before the epidemic splits them up. I think starting the film with them split makes their separation here less jarring.
12. “That door’s our only hope!”, drop the line, too melodramatic and unbelievable. Just, “The door!”, would be better.
16. “I saw... Society disintegrating. Civilization crumbling. The end... of everything.” Some part of me’s not buying this line either.
17/18/19. I’m surprised there’s such little reaction from Robert when he thinks he’s graphically killed a woman in front of his eleven year old son. He’s too calm and collected. Also, I was taken aback by the fact that he didn’t have a problem with his son shooting his attacker through the head, after all, he’s not quite sure what’s wrong with them at this point.
20/21. A few clichés here, car won’t start, “they can’t get in” then they do.
22/23. The casual conversation is good in that it adds humour and a lighter touch to the material, but I think it’s a bit premature, this is the first time these guys have got a proper break since the zombies turned up and they simply revert to jokey conversation. I’m just not sure I can believe it.
27/28. Ooh, now that I didn’t see coming, you really got me with Cooper. In my opinion he’s the most interesting thing to happen so far because to some extent he’s not necessarily evil, just desperate to survive and doing it as best he can. I do hope he we see him again.
32/33. Whew, for a second I thought Robert was just gonna burn the farmhouse and go, but it looks like he’s clever than I am, which is great, it’s good to feel that the writer is a step ahead of me.
36. Just thinking, I like the characterisation of Damien, it’s not often you get such a roguish character in a zombie movie, I think you can play to that strength a bit more. Also, Jackie’s sobbing reaction to leaving Brent doesn’t seem to gel with the rest of her character, so far she has been pretty cold in the face of everything, you can’t tell me that all changes because he gives good head.
40. The road block: On one hand, I can see how this could be the thrilling movie scene you intend, but on the other, all I can think is that Robert is the most irresponsible father I know.
42. Nicely timed and written sequence with the keys falling from the roof and the arm hitting the window and sliding out of view.
43. Another great sequence bursting out into the empty hall. Smooth writing! Ooh, and they’re behind the doors, nice!
45. The old self sacrifice, no zombie movie would be complete without one, but I’m sure his could be made a tad more spectacular than being stuck in a doorway.
46. The cars passing each other is a well put together link that I didn’t see coming.
48. I like the organisation in Robert and Tony’s defence.
55/56. Finding the villains a little one dimensional. Plus the breast squeeze moment is a bit odd and out of place.
57. I’m not seeing why Omar’s brought them too him, just to make them sex slaves for the new world? That can’t be all surely.
63. It annoys me that the villains only seem to be there to set up the crisis and then be dispatched in fight scenes. There are just too many fight scenes in the script as it is, I think even genre fans would tire of them.
66/67. Tony in the pet store is another great sequence. I like that he ends up in the kennel, safeish but still only inches away from the animals.
71. The zombies head remaining animated is a good touch, creepy and original.
72. Jackie peeing herself seems out of character, at the beginning she was so oddly collected and focused in face of the zombie crisis but now she’s the worst of all of them.
74. I’d be surprised if I could recognise vagrant from a single photo 20 years younger.
75. “What’s that?” – “Eat us, chomp chomp” – “No, what’s that noise?” Hehe, this is a great little exchange. Ooh, rats! That would definitely send a shiver up my spine on film, it’d be intense.
76. “I'm seriously going to like throw up!”, this strikes me as a hell of an under-reaction.
77. What Robert talks about the distance home you should make some reference to the bunker, I’d forgotten and was wondering why they’d be any safer at home.
78. Even with assistance, how’s Jackie gonna keep up with a jog?
79. What makes Robert and Damien any better than the guy who stole their weapons at the beginning? They didn’t even try to cooperate.
80. Great moment with the knife and the lights!
87. Liked the jumping to the boat sequence, good to have some action that isn’t just heads exploding. Couldn’t help but notice that Landon “fingers his wound”, he’s the second person to do that, once would work but not twice in the one film.
88. Jackie’s death is the best yet, completely out of the blue and bizarre.
90. Robert’s disappearance in the boat seemed strangely undramatic on paper, perhaps you’ve underwritten that part.
91. Nice throwback to the beginning with the camper.
97. I’m not sure I like the ending. Whilst I’m not the kind to need a happy or conventional ending, this ending just cheapens the emotional impact of Robert saying goodbye to his children.


To summarise, in my opinion the good parts of this were all sparky little moments, you can definately write with some flair. Unfortunately, the things that need improving are more fundemental issues, for me the main ones were:

More suspense and foreshadowing is needed, at the moment it’s all climax and no build.
Nearly all the conflicts in this are physical, we needed more sparks between the characters.
The beginning and ending are too abrupt.
The script needs more to differentiate it from other zombie films.
There characters seem quite insensitive to the situation, the fact that the zombies were once people is never really addressed, instead the father is more than happy to encourage his eleven year old son to blow them to pieces with high powered weaponry. To me there’s some moral ambiguity here.


Well Done! You have a writers voice :)

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A fast-paced, action-packed zombie flick. The story unfolds slowly, one scene after another, and each scene has a purpose. There's a resemblance to the thriller "Taken" with plenty of conflict and a terrific assortment of obstacles.
Love the opening, which sets up the release of the deadly virus by the terrorists, and the pace of Robert and Tony's race down the rural highway towards the city. Caught by surprise when Cooper turns on the two; great payback when Robert returns, douses the farmhouse with gasoline, and threatens the old man.
Too much time elapses before Omar, Milosevic and Palermo reappear, approximately 40 pages later. Probably should insert a scene or two with the three to keep them in a reader/audience's mind.
Robert is a pro active protagonist. Obviously he has skills, but there's no backstory regarding his current or former occupation; he must be more than just a hunter. A brief detail or two would cement his believability.
There are the right amount of supporting characters, each with a physical description and/or personality trait that contributes. Although Boat Owner Landon is well defined, he shows up rather late in the story. He appears to take over the latter pages. Wonder if he might serve his purpose by being identified as the Boat Owner and condensing some of the heavy action between him and Robert.
The strength of the story is the descriptive action, especially all the encounters with Zombies. Complete surprise when Huomo is killed off. Visually cool as Robert and Tony's truck plows over "a signpost...newspaper box...into concrete walls...surrounding a dumpster." Terrific twist when Omar stabs an unsuspecting Robert with the syringe. At that point, it's pretty clear that Robert's going to die by the end.
Love the emotion as Tony retrieves Mom's forgotten urn from the dumpster. There needs to be a bit more setup though. Perhaps Tony's realization that he left Mom should occur in place of his "silent but dramatic disappointment" and Robert's stern response to Tony a few pages prior. Then omit Tony's side trip to the tour bus. It's a wonderful reveal to learn his reason for leaving the hotel bathroom.
The extension cord Milo grabs seems to suddenly appear. Could plant a lamp that gets knocked over earlier and solve the cord problem. Unclear where Damien gets a razor blade. In the previous scene, he plays with a hammer and screwdriver. Could omit many of the BANG BANG references for gunshots. In most instances, describing the guns firing or OS sounds of gunfire is probably sufficient.
The presumed liaison between Jackie and Brent is distracting; two scenes where these 18-year-olds engage in behavior that has nothing to do with the story. There's more conflict with Jackie barely tolerating Brent. Maybe he could do something redeemable in front of Jackie just before he dies and win her over.
The dialogue competes with the description. There is a bit too much chit-chat. Robert should talk less. He says, "Come on" and similar commands too often. "Get your mother" and "Stay in the truck" work, but should be limited to three times (rule of three) max. Less is more in an action movie. Omit all the "what? why? where?" The action is well done and many times dialogue isn't needed.
Trottier (The Screenwriter's Bible) prefers description in lieu of the term "beat."
A few minor typos:
His pistols (pistol) skitters; Still lay (laying) flat on her belly; It's (Its) bent metal screeches; Omar's twisted body lay (lays) motionless; One zombie (Zombie) after another drop (drops) dead; Damien's shot hits it's (its or the) mark; Vagrant stands with his arm (around) a woman; He bounds towards the ladder tht (that) leads...

Truly enjoyed all the action. Congratulations on finishing this entertaining story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

If this isn't Brian Wind, I'm nuts. Well, I'm nuts and there's no way around that, but I can't see any of the other competitors coming up with this story. And the quality of writing fits. If you're not Brian, you're on a par with him and that's saying a LOT.

Whoever you are, you're brilliant. This story entails action from word one, and then some. There are multiple levels of complexity . You've woven a classic zombie horror story without one iota of triteness... That in itself is incredibly impressive.

The most difficult part of this review will be in reaching 1000 characters. That's because there isn't much more to say than "outstanding!"

You've got some proofing problems, but they're all easy fixes... Spelling. Words that need to be removed. Just your basic editing problems, none of which add up to any significance. I'm chalking it all up to finishing this in time for the contest. You'd never make such mistakes if you weren't in a rush.

I could get pissy about the "in to"s and "on to"s, but that would just be to antagonize you, and you definitely don't deserve it...

This script is a horror/zombie lovers wet dream. Well done, friend.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The pacing in the first few pages feels off, as more time is spent establishing the characters that cause the plague than is spent establishing the main characters. I like the opening scene, especially the dramatic irony of seeing the infected rat escaping, but then it's not clear what purpose the roadie and sound tech are serving, except to draw attention to the vagrant. The introduction of Jackie, Amber, Huomo and Brent (who we assume will become important because they're named) is underwhelming and doesn't really sell the stakes to me. I know you want to get into the story quickly, but I think some extra time showing Amber's relationship to her father would be useful (I think Taken worked well because of, instead of despite, the first act spent establishing the characters and their relationships).

Similarly the virus spreads extremely quickly. I don't think the entirety of civilisation would collapse within a few hours, and the survivor instincts of people like Cooper and Robert wouldn't kick in that fast. It feels like an exaggerated time scale that prevents some good tense moments.

I think I said this about the ten pages, but having the widower carrying around the ashes of his wife is more than slightly creepy. It's probably part of his arc.

Sometimes the humor undercuts the tension, especially from the teenage characters. Real teenagers can be obnoxious, and in this way maybe the characters are too real, to the point that I don't want to root for them to survive if they were never going to take the situation seriously.

I really liked the action, especially how brutal it was. There's no way to do a zombie movie without masses of blood and gore. It was good how every time the characters overcame one hurdle there was another, the climax especially, with zombie rats and then the river chase.

I thought the ending was a bit of a let down. You could have played out the drama with Robert turning into a zombie more, maybe to the point where one of his children has to kill him. The zombie rabbit didn't work for me. If you're going to kill all your characters, at least give them the dignity of on-screen deaths.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I thought this script was well written but lacking character development and a unique compelling concept.

Robert seems to react too quickly to the news report. Feels like there needs to be a moment of denial, confusion.

I like the chracters and dialogue in the opening exchanges. I love the mother in the urn.

By page twenty I'm wondering what it is that sets this apart from other zombie flicks. It's well executed, good writing, but it doesn't feel unique. In a genre as crowded as this you need a really strong hook to stand out.

There's a lot of action and not enough character. By page 55 you've barely scratched the surface of these characters and the action is starting to feel pedestrian.

Pg 63ish, leaving the guy alive seems a tad convenient, especially as Robert's had no qualms about killing thusfar

The zombie animals are a nice touch to raise the tension but I feel quite detached from the characters at this point.Nobody seems to be changed by the journey, there's little internal conflict or character development.

I don't buy the cigarette lighting gasoline in the water. It's a stretch igniting gasoline on dry ground with a cigarette, you need an open flame.

I don't mean this to sound harsh but it was a struggle to finish this. Your craft is great from a technical standpoint, you describe action well, your dialogue sounds natural, but I just didn't connect with the characters or the concept. It's ninety minutes of fairly standard zombie action that didn't keep me gripped. I think the lack of a unique and compelling hook or character holds the story back.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

Pretty good start. Engaging characters, good introduction to the catastrophe. I hope the "get your mother" and carrying around the urn is explained better later on as it's an intriguing bit of action. Carrying death with you?

I was disappointed to see the "homo" joke on page 22. I would consider this pretty good writing at least up to this point. Why stoop to the lowest common denominator to get a laugh? You can and should do better.

I wonder why the zombies have left them alone in their room? Would they give up so quickly? And if they do, wouldn't the kids be curious?

Pages 22-26: the writing bogs down. The dialogue doesn't fit the situation and is beginning to sound sophomoric. The tension that you had going earlier is dissipating with the stasis of the scene.

Page 29: the sex scene seems gratuitous. This script is moving more toward the teenage horror movies like Halloween. The beginning seemed to indicate (at least to me) something more sophisticated. I will say that I want both Brent and Jackie to die so if that's your aim, maybe you're on the right track.

There should be an change in the story at the Act One turn (around page 25) but it looks like just a couple of challenges that are overcome. Give some thought to the structure of your story here.

Well defined midpoint. How will the story turn from here?

Did Damien ever put on clothes? It's snowing and I still envision him in just a codpiece and boots.

This is a good story, sort of a relentless run from beginning to end. There didn't seem to be a lot to it besides the firing of guns. Protecting the family against all odds as a theme, I guess. I think if I was watching this on screen I'd be bored by the inevitability of everything. There were no real surprises, just more violence, more zombies. An endless body count.

I thought the three terrorists were wasted characters. How can you roll them into the script a bit more? Can they relate to the theme somehow?

And, again, do away with the gay jokes, the boob jokes, the clever throw-away lines. Have another look at your humor in general. It can be more sophisticated. More in tone with the theme and the characters. It was hard for me to decide if this was a comedy at times, or a horror film, or a drama. I never did learn anything about the urn or their mother.

Though, regarding the boob joke about Jackie's large "gifts:" the idea that she couldn't leave the room because of her chest is really pretty funny and a great potential sight gag. Good for a comedy anyway.

Honestly, I think the beginning had the feel of "The Road" but it degenerated into just another horror flick.

A good first draft. Define your structure, story and genre better and start the rewrite. Good luck!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A quick and easy read, this is a well written and formatted, formulaic zombie tale.

The action is relentless and it could use a breather in the middle act - what is sometimes known as a 'campfire scene' for the audience to catch their breath and the characters to bond, reveal depths and deepen relationships befre the final act cranks it up.

I feel the characters need more layers, perhaps show us more of them in their ordinary worlds before the zombie action starts. There could be some great stuff because you've got such disparate characters - The Rock Star & the schoolgirl - she could go from idolising him to realising what a dick he is to falling for him - for example..

The urn/get mother gag throughout is a strong indication of Robert's character but it never pays off.

p26 - the sex before we die scene and p28 - grumpy old man bad guy scene - are cliched moments.

you repeat the same action with the guns getting taken just with different characters via the old man and then the cops.

p42 - great moment of show don't tell with Jackie tucking in her shirt again denoting they've had more sex.

Had to really suspend disbeleif that Omar is in the very same area.

A few typos throughout but very well formatted.

The ending was a neat little pay off with the rabbit from the first scene but nothing too unexpected.

Overall, although the writer has a strong skill, it is a simple and derivitive zombie script full of cliches and one dimensional characters with nothing hugely original to mark it out from other standard zombie fare. Definitely a market for this - so I hope you polish it up and send it out!

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I had a feeling that when I encountered excellent craftmanship, zombies, brutal action sequences, lots of sexual overtness, and some very funny zingers, I was reading a Brian Wind screenplay. Two words, however, marked the instant that I was absolutely certain that this was yours, so certain that I'm willing to write this review to you, specifically. And those words were: Dixon Yorbut.

Last year, I made a few negative comments about Crimes Like These. After reading this, I'm starting to have a change of heart: when you break out as a popular horror film writer, you will be renowned as having your own unique recurring elements and themes. Before, I questioned some of them. Now, I'm accepting it as part of your unique style, for instance: grizzled country bumpkins will match punches with international assassins. Last year, I found that laughable. I still find it laughable, but in a good way.

Another very good part of your style is pushing protagonists into uncomfortable moral territory. Here, I will complain a little bit, but only a bit. I was totally with all of these guys until just about the end, when they steal Landon's boat, and eventually kill him. Unlike the crooked cops, the terrorists, Cooper, and the zombies, Landon's just another survivor. He's trying to stay away from zombies, and suddenly four strangers steal his boat. Robert probably would have done exactly what he does, and he's killed for it. I don't have a problem with the moral muddiness, but it's glossed over. Somebody should consider the fact that they're becoming the same as the other survivors, even if they still commit the theft/murder, even if it's not a character that realizes it, but the screenplay. That could be done by repeating dialogue, maybe from Cooper - where we, the audience, realize that they've become just like Cooper. It's just a cruel fact of survival.

You really create a very classic mood, conjuring up a sleek, horror movie surreality. Comedy and blood go side-by-side. Events just follow one after another, an unstoppable and logical drive through the story. Ellis' death and the starting gun take all of two pages. Characters like Damien are almost stock, but full of such vitality that I'm OK with it. This is the movie you can get away with archetypes, even stereotypes. I've got the girl, the snide girlfriend, the quiet boy-crush, his crazy friend, and the lunatic. All stock, but it's so familiar it instantly works. It took me most of the script to work out who was the protagonist - if anybody was. That's OK, too. It's a near fifty-fifty split between Robert and Amber, and both arcs are well-constructed. Robert's second-half arc is the most powerful: we know he's infected, but he's got to get everyone to the bunker before he goes.

Sometimes the cliches get out of your grasp, too far into absurdity. Most clunkers are in the dialogue, not the plot: "That door's our only hope!" "Society disintegration...civilization crumbling..." And when Amber says "Help is on the way" at the midpoint, that's clearly idiotic, if she actually believes it. The sex scenes with Brent and Jackie are amusing enough, though I feel they could be merged into one, without everybody coming back from the roof only to climb up there again (although you lose the amusing second post-coital cigarette). I don't buy Brent's valiant leap into the jaws of death for Jackie. I had difficulty imagining how stacked Jackie must be, that Damien, a muscular rock star, can fit through a hole that she can't. The total ignoring of reality almost works - but not quite - when Amber gets sprayed with brain matter, then, smiling, says "Dad?"

But the jokes are, for the most part, spot on. "There's some paint in the corner, why don't you huff it?" "You get the rear." - "Oh! His Favorite!" "Don't kill me, man, I'm famous!" "Wouldn't somebody want to ass rape a celebrity?...I know I would." Damien running around in his undies for the whole movie, punctuated by Brent's "got weed?" and Damien's non-verbal, "obviously, I don't." Good horror-comedy, too, like "They can't get in." - WINDOW SHATTERS.

You definitely needs a clean-up pass: lots of "it's" instead of "its", missing commas, and other small typos. Some weird phrases sneak in there like "her head spins on a swivel", and I don't think "elates" is a verb, or at least not one that works quite the way you use it. (You can elate somebody else, you don't just "elate".) The first sentence runs on a bit, which isn't good for the very first thing we get. And while your script and craft are great, this wins, hands down, the most unintelligible action block in the contest: "Jackie's head from Brent to the bus to Brent and back. The zombies stop spins pounding on the bus, stagger towards her." Something went awry there, and I hope it involved a computer error or some powerful liquor.

There are some really creepy moments as well. With the right lighting (or darkening) the hit woman could be the creepiest thing ever, with Robert, unknowing, trying to reason with her. I like the zombie action - though I have one issue with zombie movies in general. When they've got you, teeth chomping, it seems hard to believe you'd ever escape, like Robert does. The animals are very well placed, with the rats in the sewers and the infected pet shop. Huomo's death (the obvious love interest), not by zombies but by machine gun, is the first hint that anybody can go at any time.

It's got a good emotional arc, too, punctuated by very nice reveals and moments. I like the reveal that Mom's in the urn (though I missed when they went back for it). The crash, and Amber watching the survivors not knowing it's her dad and brother, is nicely ironic.

After Robert's got Jackie, the relentless action in the hotel gets muddy. I want quick resolution. But we get back on track soon enough. If there's a let-down, it's then end - not because it gets stupid or slow, but because it doesn't feel paced quite right. To come through all that, and then to be attacked by the pets - the dogs weren't set up enough in the beginning to merit a place as the final competition, and it feels like it's just delaying the inevitable resolution. By the time they get to the house, we want to see Robert say good-bye, or change, or reveal his secret - which he doesn't really do. He should flat out tell them. There's no point in hiding it. And the final twist is good, but extremely frustrating. If you want to go with that, you need a longer denouement. Let Robert say his tearful good byes. You might even consider something radical - like a nuclear blast or a chemical attack on the area by the government to wipe all the zombies out, so we feel like we've won - only to have the dead rabbit get them. As it stands, it's almost like the movie is still rolling along, fast paced, then a rabbit jumps out, and then the movie just stops.

Omar's infection is the most perplexing part. I think he's infected, and so he lives when shot and then thrown out the window. But you've set it up that the virus won't KEEP you from dying, it just BRINGS YOU BACK. So Omar hanging in there seems like a cheat.

So, you've got at least one more pass on this thing, but for the most part, this is a triumph, and I wouldn't be surprised to see you finally taking your place on top this year. Bravo.

(PS. In the unthinkable case that this ISN'T Brian's script, ignore my ramblings. All the comments still stand, and you can thank Brian for blazing the zombie trail here on Moviepoet.)

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ve listed my comments as I read this below. Often I’m more likely to note negatives than positives.

Title Page – Strong title

Pg 1 – “a camper that's been camouflaged to blend into the surrounding foliage” – Or “a hidden camper van”.

“at one end of the makeshift laboratory” – The previous sentence has made this clear.

Pg 4 – The prologue works pretty well in setting things up.

Pg 13 – “Huomo presses his full weight against the door, forcing it open” – Another example of slightly heavy description. I’ve already got this picture from the earlier text.

The story has good action intensity at this point, but I’m feeling a bit distanced from it all. It might be because I’m not that concerned for the characters and beyond the obvious survive motive I’m not getting a sense that this is going anywhere.

Pg 21 – “He spins in his seat, fires two more out his own window.
BANG! BANG!” – This is duplicate description. I like the drama of having “BANG!” on the page, but I’m not sure about the heavy use of it in this scene. (If you rewrote a Die Hard script in this format it’d probably be a thousand pages long!)

At this point I’m not sure that the prologue is adding much to the story because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to matter much.

Pg 26 – Their going through the vents is probably okay, but it is an A-list cliché of modern movies.

Pg 27 – “'Round back”, “indicating the rear of the house”, “to the back of the home” – Another example of over description, we’re told the same thing three times.

Also the scene of them arriving at the house doesn’t have much conflict in it.

Pg 29 – I’m going to guess something, you’ve got the lead girl, with the lead hunk, and some other dude. The some other dude has to get killed at some point.

Pg 31 – “Huomo drops dead” – I thought he’d last longer than that.

Pg 32 – “The screen reads 'No Service'.” – All this “getting a signal” and “no service” stuff is wearing thin for me. Doesn’t seem to matter that much anyway.

“Robert circles the home” – I like the concept, although it’s not very heroic to toast a disabled old lady. However I’m not buying his being able to walk up to the house unnoticed without worrying about getting shot.

Pg 34 – It’s probably okay, but it occurs to me that both sets of protagonists have returned to pretty much the same spot they were in 20 pages ago. One group in the storage room, the other driving into town; without really having achieved anything or learnt anything much.

Pg 37 – “Robert and Tony cruise down the eerily abandoned highway towards the distant silhouette of a city skyline.” – I’m not a big expert on this genre, but I’m noticing quite a few things that I recognize as being common story elements. If I’m recognizing them I’ve got to think that they must be quite routinely used. Perhaps that’s what people expect, but I’d like to see a fresh take on some of it and so far I’m not seeing that fresh element.

Pg 39 – “Sarge slams him” – If they learnt nothing else from meeting the farmer then it would have to be not to trust anyone. So I guess I’m not sure why they even talk to these police.

Pg 40 – “as it mows down Sarge and Officer Brady” – Two guys will stand there and get hit by a car?

Pg 41 – “Time slows” – I get what you’re saying here, but I wonder if there is another way to word it that isn’t so clearly directing the camera.

Pg 46 – They just randomly encounter each other on the street? It seems to me that Tony and Robert’s efforts to get to the concert venue should pay off with them doing something that saves Amber.

Pg 46 – “liquid-filled syringe” – With the epidemic well under way, I’m not seeing what relevance this now has.

Pg 49 – And they’ve randomly crashed into the bad guys at the same time?

Pg 65 – The confrontation with the bad guys has played out. At this point I’m not sure what the good guys have left to do other than the ongoing survival motive.

Pg 71 – “Looks like none of us are going anywhere now.” – That’s an easy out from the moral dilemma.

Pg 84 – The getting the boat and the action here is fine, but I’m not seeing how this sequence steps things up from their earlier battles.

Pg 86 – Landon and the Boaters seem like odd choices for the bad guys at this point. I’ve got nothing against them.

Pg 93 – I like the clear objective of getting to their house.

Pg 97 – And the wrap up fits with what has gone before.

Overall the story has lots of good action and never slows down much. The underlying concept of them going to retrieve Amber and bring her to safety gives the story an overall structure.

For me this feels like it has a lot of cliché scenes and elements, and while the action plays out well the overall story feels a little like an unbroken sequence of established genre elements. I guess I either needed to really care about the characters or I needed something fresh and as it stands I didn’t get those things.

In particular the elements with the antagonists felt quite forced.

The technique is solid if a bit text heavy in places.

I’d suggest dropping the global/terrorist aspect of this and focusing it in on the personal story of the family. Also you could refocus the finale on being a zombie confrontation.

Good luck with it.

Philip

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

On page 9, the sentence, “The spectacle would make Barnum and Bailey proud,” cannot be shown on screen. It should convey an image the audience can view on screen.

The first ten pages are inquiring. You introduced the main characters, the premise, and genre – Horror, I assume. These elements are what I expect to read from a screenwriter. The first ten pages are well executed.

On page 11, I am uncertain about what exactly “brain matter” is. Does this mean Damien literally swings the brain out of Vagrant's head with the guitar?

Oh, wow, the movie includes zombies. That good viral infection brings back the living dead. The premise is interesting.

On page 13, I would suggest eliminating the beat and replacing it for description causing the beat. Though the description may consume space, the description that replaces the beat is better than just adding nothing.

On page 14, where Brent found it amazing to see the bum’s head explode is funny! It is interesting and comedic a little, though I know it is a horror movie.

Your dialogue maintains a believable momentum as I read along the screenplay.
That is a good surprise the zombie woman had on Robert on page 18. On page 19, it is funny, but sad simultaneously, that they are unaware that the woman is a zombie.
If the viral infection is extremely contagious, why is Robert alive, since a zombie pinned him on ground?

I like Brent’s clever character.

Nice plot point on page 31, where the corrupted cops shoot the two innocent people, but I feel the Plot Point at the end of act did not grab my attention. I am sorry to be honest.

On page 34, why did you add the same location twice without any change? I am about confused here.

On page 43, a spelling typo occurs, though I found no other grammar errors so far.
The action seems to get intense as Amber, Damien, and Jackie try to protect themselves in the bus.

With all the sounds you include in the screenplay, I believe this would be a good Sound Effect if the movie were made.

The screenplay only taking place at nighttime sets the tone of a horror movie. The tone remains effective.

On page 54, was that Tony’s mom he just killed?
I like the second major Plot Point where Robert finally meets with his daughter, Amber. Your screenplay is well structured out.

I knew that Toney was gone missing on page 61, which has no surprises here.
The resolution to the story, where everyone goes aboard the boat to separate from the zombies is realistic. Most screenwriters would most likely find a supernatural being or some sort to cure the viral infection.

All the scenes throughout the screenplay flow well with minimum, unnecessary scenes.
At the bottom of page 86, a typo occurs. The word, “tht,” (that) is misspelled. Other minor mistakes occur as I read the screenplay.

Even with minimum spelling errors, the description, dialogue, and story style are crisp, lean, and clean. Your writing is excellent, and I do not see why a producer would not consider it. The ending is original. I will rate this as excellent, though you really need to proofread this work before you submit it.

I am also thrilled that intensity and action is still going on at the sad ending. This still leave me with wondering why Tony leaves and end is life. Is it because his wife died?

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The first 15 pages really move and the first ten are espcially interesting - we then move into the Zombie phase and I'm jumping in and seeing where it goes.

Thrity-five pages in and while the action is quick and the pace is furious, I do not see any other storyline evolving aside from the "get away from Zombies" plot. The writing is crisp, though and it moves.

It's becoming difficult for me to properly critique this script - and not because it's bad, because it's not bad. I'm expecting something more than just the run of the mill Zombie story - hoping for it, actually. Fifty in and reads like others. I'm looking for another angle.

The wife/mother in the urn is a very nice touch. I like it.

More lines like this : ROBERT - God'll forgive you, given the circumstances.

Sixty in and I can't say I'm getting Milosevic, Omar and Palermo and their talk of the New World. I'm tyring to tie the beginning to what's going on now and I could not aside from the anarchy line which is not enough in my mind. They script begins with them, there should be more to that storyline.

I wanted more from the script than the usual Zombie fare. Again, the writing is not bad but a little subtext and layers would definitely go a long way.

Having said all that, this genre script definitely has an audience. Good luck and congratulations on finishing a feautre. It's a big accomplishment.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 12:08 AM

I loved this, Brian! Loved the "Get your mother" line.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 12:35 AM

Hey Brian, this one was first in my que. I never got the time to finish it, but from the first 10 pages I read, I thought it was great. I will read it over the weekend or so. I can't vote on it, but maybe I can at least offer some helpful comments.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 1:26 AM

Thanks for all the honest and detailed feedback everyone! It is greatly appreciated! As some of you noticed, this is a first draft so I will certainly be going through it all with a fine-toothed comb in the near future when I get to work on a rewrite.

I set out to write the zombie movie I want to see so I knew it would require nonstop action and lots of gore with a sprinkle of humor. Based on that goal, this is the script that came out. I know where it's weak because there are certain things I don't really address until the 2nd or 3rd rewrite and several of the reviewers noted some of the same things as a well.

I write 1st draft from my gut. Just sit down with a general idea and get it all out on paper. My goal was nonstop zombie gore and I feel like I got there. My 2nd draft will come from my heart. Sounds lame, but bear with me... 2nd draft I focus on characters and their arcs. In a nutshell, my 2nd rewrite is focused on adding emotional depth to the characters, subpllots and individual scenes. 3rd draft I write from my brain, focusing on all the logistics of the storylines and scenes as well as the more technical issues of the script.

So on the 2nd draft, character depth will be added all around, backstory relating to Amber/Roberts fractured relationship, backstory about mom's death, etc...

And on the 3rd draft, glaring errors in logic like caged zombie pets, sewer drains in the pet store, the cold-blooded murder of the boat owner, antagonists motives, etc... as well as punctuation and grammar errors will be addressed.

Since this was my 1st draft, I more or less knew there would be some issues with character depth as well as some logistical gaps that resulted from me simply getting through a scene to move on with my script and planning to go back and fix it later in rewrites.

Again, I thank you all for the awesome feedback. It will be put to good use.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 4:07 AM

Hey Brian, so glad you're gonna work on this - let me know if you need readers for your next draft.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 9:15 PM

What does this guy gotta do to get an honorable mention around here?!? I thought this was freaking awesome, Brian.