Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Clever use of a child and dollhouse to deliver backstory as the girl deals with the home she camefrom by playing it out. Her clumsiness with certain things (the way she feeds them with a miok bottle) endears. Here's a little girl trying to deal with the bad cards life dealt her. Then grandmother comes by, ice cream and wholesome farm holiday and we know the girl is taken care of.

Good use of weather to convey mood, and to support the story symbolically.

Nothing really happens, almost all exposition but it does work well.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your description of the football game is funny, but I had to reread it a couple of times to find the meaning. It would read easier to just say "football game".

Bonnie is wise beyond her years. Her insights into her family are ominous. I like it.

I'm glad the story has a happy ending. I was fearing the worst.

You have a profound insight into childhood neglect. The season descriptions are magnificent. It's such a simple tale, but wonderfully written.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

It's late when I type this and to be honest I felt a little lost by the end.

I got the young girl on her own. I sense there is something wrong. Maybe grama has come to rescue the girl from a hellish scene around her that we dont see?

To be honest it is a bit diiffult to understand and if subtle then possibly a touch too much.

There are lots of hints BUT where are my visual clues. Did I miss them, or do I have to rely on the hint of chainsaws over rock and roll?

Almost there.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

2 Characters/ 4 Pages

This was formatted pretty well. It could have been tightened up a lot. This would have improved the pacing.

I'm afraid the story was a total miss for me. Basically, a girl spends a year playing by herself, then Grama offers her some ice cream. I really don't see the point and just don't feel like it'd make for a very interesting film. So much of the information we're given ends up having nothing to do with the story at all.

Nice effort and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

That was actually pretty dang good -- a nice little short. I like how you conveyed Bonnie's real life into her play time. The story had a nice pace to it. I love the interaction between Mr. Potato Head and Tin Man -- great idea.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Be very careful with contest requirements. This was close to a DQ because the toys were as good as characters the way you wrote them. You could have written them in a way that made it clear that the little girl was moving them. Consider yourself very lucky to have got away with it!

Not to mention the TV blaring a voice. This counts as a character. As I said - you are lucky. This really should have been a DQ.

That aside this was a strong visual piece. However, it left me with questions, for instance, Why did Grama speak in a pretend English accent? In addition, I couldn't work out who the toy characters Bonnie played with were meant to represent in real life. I thought perhaps Mr. Potato Head was her father but then who was Tin Man, who was the frog?

The use of the sunflower as a symbol was well-executed. Very clever.

I just wish that you had adhered more closely to the contest guidelines.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ah, this was a nice piece. We got a total view of this kids life and what has happened. It was an enjoyable read, but I'm not sold it would 'look' good.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was amazing.

I especially loved the way you show the impact of adults on a child through the way a child plays. It was incredibly powerful and something I will remember for a long time.

Excellent story and script.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

There doesn't seem to be much of a story here, it feels more like a story segment. My read was that Bonnie comes from a troubled home and that she is parroting her parents, she is now living with her grandmother. There were numerous opportunities to cut out superfluous words like p 2 "She gets up and goes to the window" to "She goes to the window". At times I wasn't sure how some of the descriptions and actions moved the story forward. The result was that the reading became laborious.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

The author knows how to write, and the result is a vivid portrayal of a child's imagination. The author focuses on describing the surroundings, and this works well as a backdrop to the colorful inner life of the main character. At times it feels a bit heavy, however, and I felt many a sentense could have been trimmed. What I liked the most was, as the girl brings her surroundings to life, it is not described in full detail how this occurs. This was evocative, and I found myself visualizing what it all might look like.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Play House begins innocently enough with a six year old girl playing in her room. It's not long before we realize that her family has problems.
I liked the use of the dolls to tell us the story. Bonnie acting out her dysfunctional home life is cute and sad at the same time.
I did feel sympathy for Bonnie. I thought Mr. Potato Head was a loser and the Tin Man was a bitch. I was happy when the Beast came and took Bonnie away.
I really wanted to see the Tin Man have an affair with Teddy Ruxpin. Then Potato Head would shoot them both with a nerf gun. But, it's not my movie.
I really don't know if it would translate to the screen.
It's probably a better short story than a film.
Overall- GOOD.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Wow. After the first scene, I realized what the story was about. It's amazing what kids pick up from adults. Sad but nice. Thankfully you had a happy ending. You did everything the rules asked. You had 2 characters for 4 pages and you mentioned "six" in dialogue.

I see a few places where you need to change to the present tense, but nothing major. I don't know if putting the seasons in the scene title is allowed.

I liked this and giving you a VG. Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Very nice, almost perfect.

One quick note - Granma should speak with a fake "British" accent. To say "English" is confusing.

This reads like a short story, a very good short story, and it almost translates into a perfect screenplay. I was confused by the action descriptions - I knew the dolls were all being animated by Bonnie, but at a couple of points I wondered if they had come alive. I think that perception could be easily fixed. This is a lovely way for a little girl to tell us her story, but I want to know more about how she feels and I think you cheated us on that point. At the end, the tinman leaves the house. Did he end up in the trash like the soldier did? He/she is obviously the most controlling and evil character to Bonnie, but we don't get to see what Bonnie does with her. Assuming the tinman is her mother, I don't know if she left Bonnie and the dad, or what. And what I want to know most is how Bonnie feels about it. And where is the frog? Also, I'd love to see what, if any, of the dolls she packs. That would tell me so much.

Again, this is soooo close to being excellent. I hope this is something you keep working on because this could be a great short film.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I read this story twice because I liked it but felt something missing. In my opinion, the story needs more characters because it feels incomplete to me. I think this project is too ambitious for just two characters.

The writer should only write what will be filmed. Explanation: "...the last rays of sun slip away into the cool, autumn night." How would one film COOL?

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A girl plays house over the seasons.

2 characters + 4 pages = 6

The script was well formatted but suffers form watching and listening to a girl play house over several seasons (4 pages) without action and a grandmother who's introduced at the end. I suspect there was a message but it didn't jump out at me.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is perfect for this story.
Craft - your craft is nearly perfect. One very minor point is that "fade in" should be on the left side of the page.
Dialogue - the dialogue is good. It seems realistic.
Action lines - your action lines are very good. They are clear and concise yet descriptive.
Story - I liked the story a lot. You have a very vivid imagination.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

...wow.

This is phenomenal! I couldn't stop reading it. This is MUCH better than most of the stuff I've been reading.

Top notch work here. Definitely going to favorite this at the end of the month. You need to get this filmed. Excellent.

I just finished reviewing. You win by a landslide. This is a definite first place. I think you know that too.

Jess Lindon (Level 1)

I really like the sript. I like the idea when she's playing with her playhouse it reflects whats going on with her real life.

I knew that Mr. Pato head reflect with her father and the Tin Man was her mother.

Its interesting that Bonnie knew what was going on in the household when her mother and father probably had no idea that she knew (I think)

Great script. I really enjoyed it. x

Joshua Bullock (Level 1)

I loved how Bonnie used toys to act out what was going on. You're brilliant for coming up with this!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's a really good idea to show the girls life this way - her role playing tells it all.
I see a few format mistakes. Bonnie should be caped when first appears - but this looks like something you know because you did cap Grama later.
What's "an eyeball of Grama" - I did not understand that part at all.
The words "autumn" and "summer" do not belong in the slugs. And I think you have to visually show to us the time of the year.

The voice of an announcer - I think you don't even need to show what's airing on TV, because it's not that important. In fact, some of the nuances could be perhaps omitted (like "pretend English accent") because they are not pertinent to the story. Or so I think:)

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Wonderful colorful details in this story. Especially fond of the structure. Using seasons pulls the reader along, establishing curiosity about what information the next seasons will provide about Bonnie's dysfunctional life. Through the eyes of this six-year-old is a great device.
A little confused by the Grama character. Maybe she's Bonnie's "Grandma" or "Gramma," but Bonnie doesn't respond to her like she knows Grama. Wonder about the significance of the "pretend English accent." May not be a good idea to say to a child you don't know well, "I've come to take you away."
The title is terrific. The double-meaning referring to both the physical structure as a play house and describing Bonnie's activity.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I really like the idea here of Bonnie acting out what's happening in her life. Only one part struck me as odd and that was when she was talking to the frog and said "I'll fall asleep in your arms". Just didn't seem like something a six year old would say.

I do think it could be trimmed just a tad to quicken the pace but other than that the writing here is very good.

Nice work!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was unsettling. Good job.

At times your description is a bit too much like prose. For example, the "crisp, blue sky with puffy, white clouds" is too much, as is the final description (the one sunflower left is a fairly heavy handed visual metaphor). I also think you can do more than just have Bonnie tell the story of her family through toys. Kids tend to use their imagination a lot.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I thought this was very cute and sad. My reading of it was that she was acting out what was taking place in her own house, mimicking the conversations she's used to hearing.

I felt the pace was calm and appropriate for the story. The read was easy and enjoyable. I don't know if the intention was to suggest that the toy figures were moving by themselves or if Bonnie was moving them, but several instances seemed to suggest that the toys were moving by themselves. That didn't distract from the read.

Nice job.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

A nice and relaxing story,kid's playing with their toys.

You made it for all four seasons adjusting to each one the manner she plays,good thinking.

The title is good,you can refer to the real house as being the "play house" or at Bonnie's little toy house,either way.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

That's one long play. The kid played the same game for a year? I don't understand what the change of seasons have to do with the story? The girl was playing, then in a year her Grama came and took her to her house to eat homemade ice cream. I don't understand the story, sorry. Did I miss something? You write somewhat cute, but the story itself is a story about nothing.
The formatting is not perfect as well. You write INT. ROOM - DAY (AUTUMN), if it's INT. why do you describe what's outside?

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Awesome solution man!
This will place surely.

The end with Grama...hmm..is kind of weird, bit of a let down really. Changes tone and it just doesn't feel so smooth getting into that part.

But then you make it okay with the sunflowers.

Very good going you!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The setup, where Bonnie is in her room playing with her toys and talking to her is visual, and you waste no time at all trying to tell us what Bonnie is doing.
In Bonnie’s dialogue, you added an extra space after her name, which is a typo.
On page three, you can remove the word, “eventually” in this sentence. It won’t mess up the flow of the sentence nor storyline.
I was wondering when the Setup scene would end. It is lengthily, until you take us to the woods.

Are these characters real? When I saw Tin Man sobbing, so I wasn’t sure if it counted as a character.

Bonnie is a strict mom. I like her character interaction with the toys. While the storyline is good, some sentences are wordy. Some of these sentences cannot be imaged or seen on TV. Here are some sentences that may need to be rewritten: “Most of the sunflowers are dead or withering, but one has survived and stands six feet tall,” can be written as “Several sunflowers lie dead on the ground, while only one stands.”

“A sunbeam cuts through a cloud, highlighting the vibrant yellow-orange flower that is bursting with seeds,” can be rewritten as “A sunbeam cuts through a cloud, highlights the vibrant, yellow-orange flower that bursts with seeds.”

"She lays it on the bed and puts a cloth over it like a blanket, patting it gently while tilting her head," can be written as "She lays it on the bed, blankets it, and pats it gentaly while her head tilts."


For some reason, the ending did not quite grab my attention. I’m don’t know why and how.

It was a good read though. The dialogue is natural.

I think the plot would be stronger if one of the toys came to life and started avenging her for being a strict mom, telling Bonnie what to do like she did the toys.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

I am rating this as fair, but after reading this script, I have no idea what this story was even about. I believe you are trying to show Bonnie's home life through Mr. Potato Head and the Tin Man, but I am not sure. On top of the confusing narrative, this script is filled with long periods of action lines. I found this script a chore to read through as most of your action lines appeared to be at least 4 lines long every time. That is a lot of description and it made it hard, at least for me, to focus on your story. I think going back and editing down some of the action lines and clearing up the narrative might help this story tremendously.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow this was really strong. I think it's a beautiful slice of life story of a very sad little girl, living in a very sad world. I loved how you used Mr. Potato Head and the Tim man with the wig to portray what was going on in her life.

I'm also glad it had a good ending, not a sad one, but one filled with hope for Bonnie.

Very nice work.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I get what you were going for, here, but I just wasn't buying it. It's like, after a while, it started to become like you were beating us over the head with the moral of the story. There isn't a whole lot else for me to say about this one. I didn't really care for the story itself so there aren't a lot of changes for me to suggest.

Fair.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

This story had potential and in the end I felt if didn’t go anywhere. Sorry, only my opinion.

I would like to see you tighten the time lengths. A short story like this should probably only have a condensed time frame for the story. Also, I think you could have a solid reveal somewhere in the middle by glancing around a room to discover a real slob that is the motivation for the child’s pretend story. It could have been enlightening about how she came to speak this way about Mr. Potato Head.

A rewrite with a solid reveal and tighter time line would work.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

If anything, it was an interesting read. I liked the metaphor of play house to the events of what was going on in the house. It was a clever way to limit the number of characters within the script without actually taking away any ideas. It's like what an actual little girl would do to express her feelings, which a script is supposed to do; show believable, human emotions.

I also liked the ending, where Grama shows hope by taking her away to a new home. I liked the idea of the sunflower, as it made me question what it symbolizes. My guess is that it is a symbol of hope.

I liked this one, a lot. It was a believable and touching scene, and, although I'm not the type to really enjoy heart wrenchers, it does what it was supposed to: get into you. And it did it very well. Seeing the little girl act out her mother leaving, her druggy brother destroy things, and her lazy father not do a thing with the dolls fascinated me. The only way this script could have improved is if it introduced Grama a little more. That way the audience would have had more of a hope for the little girl.

So, with all that said about this wonderful script, I easily give it a four out of five.

Timothy Ugbaja (Level 2)

I really appreciate your effort in writing for this contest. It is really a great thing you have done.
The character are suppose to be six but you have only two. you succeeded in quoting six in the dialoge. You also went further in making it six pages as the instruction states.
Though there are some things you must have in mind so as to grow more in the industry.
After writing your slugline, you do not need to reapeat the set in the description. Always try to make your characters have surname, this has been neglected by most writer, but very necessary. Moreover, do not bracket age of a character.
The radio voice has to be in the dialog instead of description as well as the announcement.
Something very important; consider the voice and the music interwave each other, don't you think that is going to produce noise.
Avoid using passive form of verb "...ing", and descriminate use of "and".
You have a nice story. I give you GOOD.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This felt a little too one-note. The whole thing is just this girl playing with her dolls. Nothing really happens here, you bash us over the head with the family/dollhouse metaphor by the end I was just tired and waiting for the end.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2011 12:32 AM

Excellent job, Mike. I loved this. I honestly pegged this as first place. I would have put all bets on that. I thought you were going to get all VG's and Excellents. I thought this was phenomenal.

Excellent, excellent job.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2011 1:15 AM

Very well done indeed Mike. Should have placed definitely. Just for the rich visuals and the smart way you used your characters.

Bizarre.

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2011 8:57 AM

I still can't put my finger on the pulse of MP reviewers. I've no idea why this didn't place.

Great job!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2011 10:46 AM

This was my favorite this month. Great script!

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2011 11:43 AM

Wow! It means a lot to me to get accolades from such talented writers.

I do recognize that my scripts are too much prose, though. I come from a short story and lyrical background. I didn't realize the difference at first, and because of the nature of the monthly contests, it takes two months before anything learned can be applied. I feel like my next submission will be much more readable.

I thought this was a brilliant contest idea. The rules were the genesis of this story. It would likely not exist otherwise and I am grateful for that. I always enjoy trying to find the most original way that I can to satisfy the requirements. I don't do this from a disrespectful perspective, but use it as a creative catalyst. It's one of the main reasons that I am at MP.

I regret if this ever comes off as me thumbing my nose at the contest, but to be honest, the threat of getting DQ'd is not as significant to me as having the creative spark ignited. I have always been one to search for the limits, so that I can bump up against them and see what's there.

I'm grateful for all who took time out of their lives to read and comment on my script.

The recurring comment that stood out to me most was about the seasons being in the scene headings. The main thing I wanted to convey was that these scenes were just snapshots from her life that occurred over an extended period of time. I did some research and tried many different things, but in the end, the seasons seemed the most readable and least distracting (and of course had symbolic substance as well).

I was reluctant to ask the best way to do this on the "no stupid questions" thread as it might risk my anonymity. Maybe I should do that now.