Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

The plot was pretty thin for me. I understand what you are going for, but there wasn't enough meat on that bone. I was also confused on who was the lead character. Was it her or him or both. I also felt that she was taking advantage of him. I couldn't sympathize with her.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

I really didn't like this. Completely unbelievable considering that you didn't actually show the children having sex. You have a few scenes but no movie - there isn't an actual character arc. Neither Simon or Maggie actually change. There needs to be a change. In this script, there isn't one.

That said, it is written really well. There's a lot of white space. There aren't any large chunks of action. I liked the little bits of poetic writing. You just need a lot of work on the story. I don't believe that this would happen in 1933. I wasn't around back then but I can't see it happening.

So, you get a plus on the writing. It was written really well, but work on the story. Whose story is it? Hers or his? It tends to be his, but sometimes its hers. Decide which story you want to tell, and then redo it.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Wow that is an efficient first page. Introduce Simon, a hare dies giving birth, and Simon has "the conversation" with Mrs. Hudson on where babies come from and whether god wanted the hare to die. Great foreshadowing.

Birth and death, and a child trying to make sense of it all. A very powerful story!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Unique title.

You tell us that Simon is six, mentally. It would be better to be shown this information.

That's quite a transition from a mare in labor to the mare dying. You'd benefit from a brief montage of Simon's family running to the barn and helping the mare.

Two kids playing doctor is strong subject matter. It's one thing to talk about it, it's another to visualize it or see it on screen.

I almost stopped reading at the abortion.

So, what's the ending? Did Maggie die? Simon shovels, but we're given no indication it's a grave.

Simon and Maggie are rich characters and I like the idea of forbidden love, but not the way its handled here. I do have to give you credit though for not shying away from the extreme. Still...if I want to delve into morbid tales of despair, I'll watch the nightly news.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

OMG!!!

You go from a gentle, warm scene of a boy playing with a tractor to a very dark place. . Quite frankly that gave me the chills.

Powerful writing, well constructed.

I think it does raise issues of how the boy could help without anybody knowing, how nobody notices the girl etc but I think you can get away with that.

The end I found too harsh. It comes across as needing an extra page or two.

Otherwise one of the best so far.

Bobby Bell (Level 2)

Consider making the blunt pro-choice message more subtle. Was the ambiguity about whether or not Maggie was actually pregnant intentional? If not, maybe drop a hint about why she thinks she is and if she's considered alternatives to a rusty wire (surely she's not such a hillbilly that she thinks that's a good idea). If she was pregnant, was Simon the father or her possibly abusive father?

Brian Howell (Level 5)

You're dealing with some tricky subjects here. I commend you for going after this. The kids feel a little young for this. Maybe if she was 15... Anyways, I'm guessing the baby is from her dad raping her, but that's just a guess. The wire thing was kind of odd, partly because of age, how would a 13 yr old think to do that?). Also the explanation given to Simon for why Shadow died was a little weird, even for his mental age.

Overall, though, this is well done. Nice work.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced very well. No errors or typos that I noticed. This reminded me of Forrest Gump meets Of Mice and Men. You put a fresh spin on it, but the story felt a little familiar.

I didn't like the description of Simon. If he's a good-looking kid, then it
s safe to assume his mental disability isn't physical (ie: Down's Syndrome) so what you are doing by telling us his mental age is giving the reader info that the viewer will not have. The viewer is just going to see a normal looking 11 year old. If you need him to be younger to make the story work, just make him 7 or 8.

I didn't see any reason at all that Maggie would suddenly think she's pregnant so the whole abortion thing made no sense to me. I understand you wanted to end the story with her dying at his hands, but I think you should have given her some reason to actually believe she was pregnant and then it might have worked better.

Overall, I thought this was well written, but the logistics of the story needed some polishing in my opinion.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

My first impression, I was like okay...I think I can handle this. The story reminded me of Forrest Gump to a degree, but the abortion part threw me for a loop. The ending appears that you ran out of space and just needed to wrap things up. I could be wrong, but that's what it appears like to me. Honestly, the story wasn't for me, but you're writing is good.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Notes as I write.

I'm wondering how we'll SEE that Simon is 11 physically, 6 mentally?

As I read on I'm getting strong 'Of Mice And Men' vibes.

I'm actually thinking it would be a lot more effective if Simon were older (physically)

It's a harsh, gritty, sad tale, well done. I felt it finished a little too abruptly, as though you ran out of space. You dealt with the beginning and the middle so well - perhaps expanding it by another page might make the ending as good.

I thought that some of the mother's dialogue was a bit clunky. Perhaps a more subtle way to set up the final scene could be devised?

My favourite so far.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is dark and intense.

I love the first four pages, but that ending is tough to pull off in five pages. I think it actually went darker than it needs too. Just the idea of this simple boy struggling to understand love and getting hurt is enough.

Your craft is very good and I think with a different ending this could be great. Lastly, I love the title.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I guess Maggie's plight was the central conflict in the story but I think you should define it more crisply and draw it out so we really feel Maggie's pain and her dilemma.The story was ably written and the topic was shocking but I felt that that was what he author was going for--shock. Not sure if shock ever trumps story.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

A story about kids, concerning some really mature issues. Very bravely done. At times very funny. For instance when she asks if he knows how to play doctor, and he replies no but doctor Hankins does. However, though I realize he's slow mentally, some of the dialogue felt a bit cliche. Like when he asks about the horse dying and the baby.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This had some nice description in parts, but seemed uneven and little hard to believe. Other than the yuck factor, it seemed mostly pointless. The redneck, incestuous father has been done to death. I don't think there's any life left in that.

A mentally six-year-old boy, unknowingly trying to perform an abortion, although original was not something I want to read and something that's not really gone to happen. If it was your intent creep people out, you succeeded. If there was some sort of message intended here, it was too blurred to make much sense.

Thank you for entering. Good luck.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

The only thing that stopped me from really liking this a lot was that it plays upon a stereotypical premise of (backwoods) farmers of having low IQs. That's just my opinion, take with a speck of sugar. Interesting visual/combo of words with blood and the chicken eggs...but I wonder how someone could die from rusty wire being put up thier...eh...private areas. Okay, maybe I shouldn't wonder about these things. I'm assuming it his "his girl" he is burying and not the fetus?

David M Troop (Level 4)

Amish Girls are Easy

This starts out innocently enough with a slow 11 year old Simon and a fast, sexually aggressive 13 year old Maggie who likes to get down on the farm.

I liked this story and even the characters up until Dr. Simon starts to examine Maggie on "the bottom" of page three. This scene is questionable considering the ages of the children.

But, then when Maggie asks Dr. Simon to perform an abortion on page 4, that's going a little too far and definately kills any hope of selling this screenplay to the Hallmark Channel.

Too bad. If you would have kept Maggie a friend who helps Simon get through to manhood (at say Simon 17 and Maggie 19) I think it's a much better and less disgusting story.

But, I do give you kudos for perfect formatting and I do like your writing style.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Story reminded me of Forest Gump when Forest and Jenny were younger. It seems like there was more story to tell but because of the 5 page limit, the last scene didn't make sense. Would have like to know how they found her.

Formatting was good and with some minor adjustments, could be a stronger story.

How does the audience know the mental age and physical age? Show us.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A mentally challenged boy helps a girl when she gets pregnant --

Definitely not about cute farm critters.

Challenging topic to address. Foreshadowng with the mare may have been too obvious? Probably more intense for writer than readers? The boy didn't do anything mentally challenged. SHOW us he's slow. Favorite scenes: the girl giggling, the father looking up and down the road, and the boy layng down next to the girl. The ending was definitely a downer. I liked it. Was there meaning attached to the tractor?

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is fine and appropriate to the story but doesn't tell us much going in.
Craft - your craft is perfect.
Dialogue - the dialogue seems realistic and natural for farm people and especially the children in the 1930's.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - the story is interesting although sad. Definitely unique, good job!

James Feliciano (Level 1)

I don't know how you tell this story in five pages. However, it was quick and effective. How can you work in better transitions or bridge. Perhaps, you could start the story later and work in some effective backstory. I had some huge problem with the huge jumps. However, I don't know how you can do this in five pages.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

This was good. For some reason it seemed rushed though. There was so much story just for 5 pages, it seemed a bit cluttered.

The abortion made me cringe, and gag. Your descriptions were perfect.

I enjoyed every part of this, but again, it felt rushed.

I'll give this a VG.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

The dialogue in this was particularly good, and the story was gripping, but it was also an unpleasant experience. Now I'm not saying that no script should be unpleasant, but I do think a story better be bloody fantasic and worth telling if it's going to put its audience through something like this. This is Very Good, but I don't think good enough (yet) to warrent the nastiness that must be endured to read it. Maybe some kind of moral or lesson or insight to be learnt from this story would make it worth it, or perhaps taking out the description of the blood "spattering the eggs" would tone things down enough to be ok as it is.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think this would be so much better as a feature. There's enough material for it. You compressed a lot and the pacing is not even, I think. But if it's a feature it'll even out.
About Simon - I think it's almost cheating to tell us he's an idiot like that. I think we must learn it gradually. And that's another reason to have it as a feature.
I think we must learn a little about Maggie too. She gets pregnant at the end - who from? Her father seems a bit abusive. Although the way she behaves she deserves it IMO. And the way she tricks the boy.

Kirk White (Level 5)

wow. this is a great script! very powerful. it's screaming to be expanded because the ending kind of rushes at you and it would be nice to have some time to develop this relationship; have you considered turning this into a feature? or expanded short?

the only thing that really detracts is the title: Little Red Tractor is a bit too generic and nondescript to evoke the tone of this heart-wrenching story.

giving a very good...

Kisha King (Level 4)

There are alot of things in this story I just don't get. Setting up the story with a 11 year old but mentally 6 does not play out well in this story. By making Simon mentally 6 years old I thought something in the story will happen to reveal how "challenged" he is with the rest of the world. I think you tried to establish it but it doesn't work out. (for me, anyway)
You can do without the beginning of the story and focus more on Simon and Maggie relationship, she thinks she pregnant, he operates on her, then he rides the tractor in the field.

The action and dialogue with all the characters are confusing and seems contrived. Try to give your description and dialogue a natural flow so it is easier to imagine.

Good Luck

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Powerful material that elicits emotion. The storyline has some familiar elements -- not a bad thing -- but Simon's character and the final outcome is strong and it's believable.
May not need to mention the difference in Simon's physical and mental age in the first scene. It becomes perfectly clear that the young boy is slightly challenged. His voice is well written and true; it actually comes across as sweet. Could tighten Mom's dialogue here and there, although her explanation to Simon how Shadow became pregnant and died is terrific. The revisit at the end of "get too close" is great.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I have trouble thinking of Simon as only 6 years old mentally. 6 year old boys do not get gushy and tongue-tied around girls.

I'm not sure any director will be able to film the bare behind of a 13-year-old girl. I certainly hope no parents would agree to that.

The whole story seems too unrealistic to me. Mrs. Hudson sits down and has a talk with an 11-year-old developmentally challenged boy about getting a 13-year-old pregnant? It just feels off to me.

Oh. Wow. An abortion on film. Wow. Graphic. "As it enters..." Full frontal nudity of a thirteen-year-old girl? 11 year-old-boy?

No one notices the burial?

This is a shock film, I guess, but for obvious reasons it can never be made. Charges of child abuse would get levelled at anyone who tries to make this script. Why not redirect your talents towards scripts that can be made?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Wow. This is a hard one. Hard to read. Hard to think about. Hard to review.

I didn't notice any formatting problems. No spelling or punctuation errors, either.

The story is well-constructed and well-written.

There's a bit of a Forest Gump feel to it until the end. Can I ask why you decided to end it the way you did? So hopeless?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow this was disturbing. I like how you didn't shy away from the story and committed to telling it.

Although this was well written, it feels that, to some extent at least, you're going for the shock factor.

Very good.

Matthew Scott (Level 2)

I have to admit this isn't really my cup-of-tea. It's strongly written material with tough subject matter. I'm confused by the tone a little. Some parts are funny and cute. While other parts are deeply serious and tragic. Some of it feels a little like "Of Mice and Men", which is a good thing. You cleverly name your protagonist Simon (perhaps Simple Simon?).

For me, I had a hard time getting a bead on Simon and Maggie - because neither of them is ever spelled out for me. Perhaps that what you intended, but it didn't work for me. I think Simon needed to be more simple. There are times in the script when I felt he was just like a normal 11 year old. The same is true of Maggie. There are times where she comes across as a precious 13 year old. I didn't find anything she did until the very end to be that extreme. But then she shows up and thinks she has a baby - and she knows how to perform an abortion.

It might have been more tragic to tie the beginning to the end. Perhaps Simon's mother performs an abortion (with the same bent wire mechanism) on Shadow to save the mare while Simon watches. His mother says the Shadow would have died if she hadn't done it. Then when Maggie shows up and innocently starts talking about the baby in her belly (which is more than likely pretend) Simon overreacts. He convinces Maggie to let him "save" her.

Please don't be discouraged by my comments. This was well written. Good work.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I liked the visual connection between the dying horse and Maggie. Alot has to happen in only 5 pages and I think this story would work even better with a little more room to breathe. I think having more time to show a solid friendship between Simon and Maggie would increase the tragic feel to the ending.
I think the story was hurt a little bit by its simularity to Forrest Gump and Jenny. I don't know that it is necessary to have Simon be mentally slow. At the age of 11 I think the story would still work just from the point of view of Simon being young.
I thought the writting was crisp and effective.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Bloody hell, that shocked me.

You write well, it really drew me in.

Your foreshadowing is good with the mare dying in labour at the start and good symbolism with the hen house and incubators.

I liked Simon but wonder how the audience will know he is "6 mentally"

- you could show this via the way he plays with his tractor i.e:

Simon, 11, makes tractor noises as he plays with his red toy like a six year old would.

He also doesn´t come over as a six year old in his dialogue which would strengthen the handicap.

The pregnancy happens a little fast - how does Maggie know she is pregnant if she hasn´t got a mother to tell her about these things? Perhaps there could be a scene where she is looking at a magazine, maybe a farming one, about labour etc. And how would she know about scraping it out - it just seems a little far-fetched - again unless she had seen it being done to a farm animal.

I also question that a mentally six years old boy would do this thing just to prove he´s her man, he would be extremely frightened.

I´ve got a feeling this one might stick in my head for a while. Strong writing.

I´m not quite sure how to score this.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title:
Sounds innocent enough.

Pg 1:
Alright good introduction, nice visuals.
All seems going well.

Pg 2:
Going along here. I like their dialogue, all feels realistic. Bit of a southern streak.

Pg 3:
Getting disturbing now. Okay, you can write these things, but you'll be having a hard time filming them (or getting them filmed).

Pg 4:
Bit of a filler page. There's an ominous feeling, but we'll see how it goes.

Pg 5:
This is getting really disturbing now. So where did she learn she should do something like this? Oh well.

I really like the mimicry of the scenes and the double meaning, but it is all a bit too dark. I wouldn't get any enjoyment from seeing this and I dont see why you made it as dark as it is. Nonetheless, well written.
Alright that was pretty disturbing. And not really in a sweet way.
Do like how everything came togheter

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar or formatting errors. How do Maggie suddenly meets Simons? Were they friends for a while? I think the plot was rushed. Otherwise, Maggie wouldn’t up and kiss Simons.

The parents catch Maggie and Simon dancing. Did I say dance? I mean undressing. How did Maggie end up getting pregnant? You should give us additional details about things like these.

You should remove Mrs. Simon’s dialogue about her getting pregnant. That will take away the story if you do.

The ending is a bit scary. I wonder who fathered her baby. Did he bury the baby or Maggie?

The story is about a boy who has an experiment on a girl after his parents tell him God places babies in bellies. Then Maggie ends up pregnant, Simons plucks the baby out with a wire, and he buries the baby or Maggie. The story is all right, but there are too many unanswered questions.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This didn't quite work for me. It actually made me uncomfortable to read and I think I'd be equally troubled to watch it. Subject matter aside, I'll just provide comments to the execution of the script -- the toy tractor opening was a good set up. I had trouble with including the 'mentally' description -- let the character traits appear to the reader without such prompts. Mr. Martin's quick deduction on the flowers was a bit quick - maybe better to have him passing in a truck and glimpse her near there? The playing doctor scene with the tractor seemed a bit much - I would have preferred Simon refuse (to have some sense of right and wrong). Lines like rain washes away her tears seems a little too over the top for the piece. There was some uniqueness here and an original voice but I was left feeling uncomfortable with the script as a whole.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

The title suggests that this is a tale for children, but it certainly is not that.

This character of Maggie, she is not ringing true at all. Unless this Simon is a total stud or something and you neglected to tell us. Perhaps we might buy into the story a bit more if you made Simon an outstanding physical specimen?

Having established their relationship, the story continues to get darker still, the scenario harder and harder to buy into. This story is too large to shove into five pages. Had you the opportunity to flesh these characters out a bit more, perhaps it would be easier to accept their actions. At 5 pages, things are too abrupt.

The final scene is underwhelming. I understand its purpose, but the tractor and the field and Simon could all be used more creatively than just rumbling through the cornfield. The conclusion could use a tweak to achieve something more powerful.

Very good at five pages; at 10 or so, perhaps this could be excellent.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow! This one was very dark.

I'm not sure having Simon be 11 and mentally 6 works. I think he should be older if you're going to have your audience believe he is going to perform an abortion on her. He can still be older and mentally younger, but 11 seems young.

Not sure I liked the story but you definitely stepped out of the box, subject wise.

The title doesn't fit. The story is not about a tractor.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

A very strange flick, however the structure here is really good here.

This was a distrubing yet cliched script. Mentally challenged kids are misused and abused for no apparent reason. This does shock and awe the auidence due to the gripping visuals and dialouge. The parents here should have a bigger role but how it's a five pager.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was a very weird little story, but I liked it... a lot. The characters were all so odd, and creepy, yet strangely real and endearing. Nicely done.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Yikes... (11 physically, 6 mentally). What a huge mistake. You have to SHOW us that he's mentally 6, not tell us. This is a movie and it is your job to communicate visually for the reader what they will see. How about, "He plays with blocks and tries to spell his name, but smacks them away in frustration when he can't manage it". You get the idea. You characterize to make us understand.

As I read this story and see that it is a simple country boy... then a girl whose father is apparently raping her... I realize I'm reading what appears to be a variation on scenes from Forrest Gump. You even have a person named Dr. Hankins... Tom Hanks inspired, perhaps?

Then it takes a horrible twist that might lead somewhere, but you run out of room and the story ends abruptly.

I can't really see a point to this. Simon didn't learn anything. I think maybe this is part of a bigger story and you did your best to wedge it in to 5 pages. But that didn't really work.

The first thing you have to do is change the story enough so that people don't automatically say, "Forrest Gump" when they read it.

Keep working on it.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

The title obviously plays a role in the screenplay, but that doesn't mean it's any good. Also, the beginning of the screenplay had some blaring errors that I feel like I must point out. The only characteristics about a character that should be put in parenthesis is the age, nothing else. Also, you shouldn't say the "mentality" of a character. Either describe what the character does or what the character says in order to show their mentality. That being said, nothing else in Simon's actions imply or show that he is developmentally like a six year old. Also, you wrote, "He yells for help." If he says "help", have it as dialogue.

This beginning alone made me believe that the screenplay was going to be a Poor. However, there was no other structural errors I ran into in the rest of the script.

As for your story, I believe that it was emotionally strong yet possibly too strong in its content. I'm uncomfortable with the idea that you expect children of these ages to do the things you expect of them.

For a thirteen-year old girl to show her bare bottom on screen not once but twice makes me extremely uncomfortable. The scene depicting abortion as performed by the eleven-year old boy makes me even more uncomfortable.

This would have been a pretty damn good short story but the idea of this been a visual and auditory experience such as a screenplay is supposed to become makes me uncomfortable with how it would be executed.

It is this very reason that I can only give you a Fair.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 1:13 AM

A VG from me. Riveting story.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2012 4:29 PM

Thanks KP.

I must say I am surprised at some of the reactions here, especially the one that suspected a pro-choice agenda. IMO you'd have to be pretty desperate to use this story as a commercial for either side of that fight! :)

This story comes from a song that I wrote and recorded in 1991. I was told by some that it is not believable unless the boy was mentally deficient in some way. I agree with many of the reviewers here that that probably wasn't necessary. I think the only thing that really matters in this respect is that Simon is preadolescent and Maggie is post.

I can see the Forrest Gump comparison, but since I wrote the song before the movie (and never read the book), I suppose I was a bit oblivious to the likeness.

I strongly disagree with the idea that this couldn't get produced because of the subject matter. I was surprised that some folks apparently don't realize that adults routinely play adolescents in movies. Also, as it is written here, no nudity is ever shown on screen. I feel confident that I could produce this in a way that would barely be rated R (that is if I had any money, a crew, actors, etc.).

Personally, I don't think this is half as offensive as CSI and other wildly popular shows seen weekly that are obsessed with killing, and dead bodies, and hurting each other in very intentional ways. Still, I feel bad that readers had to suffer through something that made them uncomfortable. Normally, one can just say, "well, don't read it then", but here you have to read it in order to continue on.

What makes me uncomfortable is that things much, much more disturbing than this happen in real life every day all over the world. But I can't think of a good answer for Margaret for why I choose to write about it.

Once again, I appreciate everyone taking time out of their lives to read my script and for all the helpful input. Only the age in parentheses - got it! :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 6:14 PM

I agree - I've seen far worse (as in more disturbing) things in movies, particularly violence. I like that you didn't tone the story down at all, but yeah, if someone were to film it, ageing up the characters would be a good idea.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4) ~ 2/2/2012 10:06 AM

Thanks, Martin.

Although, I don't actually feel that the characters should be aged up, but that young-looking actors would have to be cast, e.g. when Ellen Page was 18, she could easily play a 13 year old.

I can see how some adults may feel like peeping Tom's or something while watching adolescents discover their sexuality, but to pretend that it doesn't happen seems odd to me.

If it is the case that people are uncomfortable with this very natural and common experience, but are tolerant of (or desensitized to) the idea that Maggie's father may have impregnated her - IMO, this is very telling of our society.

I certainly don't consciously set out to shock, but I (and most if not all artists) do want to elicit some kind of emotional response.

Maybe there is a threshold for acceptable emotional elicitation and it varies where this line is for different people and they feel uncomfortable or violated if it is crossed. If so, I suspect that either I don't have one of these, or mine is crossed so often - with every commercial, video game, sitcom, etc. that it is effectively disabled.

When I see a movie, I want to be respected, e.g. if I see the hero hanging by a wire from a skyscraper and he stops to kiss the heroine - this is when I feel offended.

On the other hand, if I were to see the "blood splattering eggs" image in this script, it would effect me somewhere around the solar plexus. In a way I can't accurately describe, that image would stay with me and to some degree color my future thoughts and actions. I think this is the way symbolism works and why it is often so evocative.

Maybe it's as simple as some people don't like this feeling and some do.

I'm not sure if this is what bothered some people, but it is unfortunate that some felt violated. I'm just not sure how to avoid it in the future.