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"Deep in the Nile" by Kisha King

Logline: A young mad scientist uses his two friends to create the best graduation present for his father. By exploiting the ledgends of the ancient Egyptian beliefs, he makes an attempt to become the ruler of the world.

Genre: SciFi

Cast Size: 10+

Production Status: Available (Please contact the author to negotiate the rights)

Contest: Fifth Year Open (Dec. 2011)

Contest Scores
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Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

You have a spelling mistake right in the very first line, the first slugline; it is "Cairo", not "Ciaro". Spellcheckers are useful, but daunt thrust them entirely, day daunt ketch owl spelling mystiques :-)

A grammatical error in the first action paragraph; it is "Quickly he turnS around to see his father". Better even would be "He swivels around to see his father." There are more similar mistakes throughout the screenplay.

I understood readers in Hollywood try to find any reason to put down your screenplay, so better not give them any reasons...

The first two lines of dialogue are unnecessary and on-the-nose, I think. We see a father, crying. A warm embrace between son and father. We see there is no mother (you could even have an empty chair next to Mr. Tor). The dialogue is too direct.

I have to say it is a very original story!

Page three, at the bottom, you write "Some of them ran back to town, others stayed at the pyramid ...", which is past tense. Film scripts are always written in present tense. They describe what you see on screen right now. The purpose is to evoke images in the mind of the reader so the reader can see the film in his head.

Kind of a sweet ending as father and son connect; turns out they were both doing the same thing, father in the attic and son in the basement, and father can teach son a thing or two, and then they will be GOD! :-)

In this story, the father and son are the Good Guys, and the guys who drank alcohol, and the tourists, were the Bad Guys. The Good Guys decapitate the Bad Guys, and they are off to become gods.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Do you mean "Cairo"?

"he turn around" should be "he turns around".

Asim is not capitalized when he's introduced.

More instances of improper grammar. If the subject is singular, the verb ends with "s". "Ammon and Asim turn around." "Ammon turns around."

"shrubs" should be "scrubs".

On page two, Ammon and Lukman speak simultaneously. As a reader, I understand them, as a viewer it's difficult to follow two voices. For this context it's not necessary. Let Ammon speak, then Lukman. Same with Ammon and Asim. First Asim, then Ammon.

A hawk's head will not fit on a human neck. At least, it won't attach cleanly over the stump. Don't ask me how I know this.

The transition from the courtyard to the basement is abrupt. Show us that Ammon lured Asim and Lukman back to the basement.

You have an eerie tale, but it's befuddled by grammar and spelling errors. It's very difficult to read.

Bill Sarre (Level 5)

Another different tale.

The drift from drama to fantasy was quite a jolt and I didn't see that coming. Maybe it could do with a little foreshadowing at the beginning - what did they study at university.

Also if they had been that close over the past few years then it does seems surprising that 1) he wants to do that to them 2) they have no indication.

I wasn't quite sure why the father does the same and also why was there mention of a dead mother that then isn't an issue.

Otherwise an imaginative tale.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

First off, there are far too many grammatical and spelling mistakes to overlook. From context, I'm guessing that English isn't your first language, so I commend you for being able to write in another language other than your native one. That said, you should try and have a native English speaker read your work first, most of the errors are easily fixed by simply adding an 's' to the end of a word. It does get distracting though.

The next issue I have is from the story itself. I'm not sure how the beginning really helps set-up the rest of this, other than to say that Lukman and Asim are friends with Ammon, but you take an entire page to do this, when that could be established in one scene in a bar or even the basement. It isn't much of a problem other than the ending feels so abrupt, I would like to know more about the father and son and what their philosophy is at this time.

I'll be honest, this is pretty rough right now. I thought Ammon sewing the animals' heads on the bodies of his friends was pretty cool - I definitely did not see that one coming. But, this might be a bit much for a five page script.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Okay, I just opened your script and am instantly smacked in the face by your first typo before I even read the first sentence (because it's in the very first slugline! CAIRO, not Ciaro.) Ay yi yi. I'm sure you're kicking yourself over that one, but it sets a horrible impression to have a mistake anywhere on the first page, let alone in the first few characters of text.

This script is littered with typos and awkward phrasings throughout that make it very hard to follow or get into any sort of rhythm while reading. To be blunt, this script was difficult to get through. I could not follow the story and what I could understand, I could not rationalize. Underneath it all, I do believe there is the potential for a really cool story to be happening. It was just hard for me to try and follow.

Try to pick character names that start with different letters.

I don't know... This needs a lot of work. Nice effort & good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 5)

First impression, I'm not quie sure I understand this story. The formatting on the dialogue is a bit off. I'm under the impression if you put two character's dialogue side-by-side then you're telling the reader that both characters are speaking simultaneously which I don't think is the case here. I'm assuming English is not your first language which could explain a few of the grammar mistakes, but the story mainly confuses me. Are they trying to create egyptian gods and control the population? I'm not to familiar with this type of mythology, so I'm unable to follow your story. I probably could use a history lesson.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Ah, a pun...Well, I THINK it's a pun.

As a story this is quite bizarre and I don't completely understand it. You certainly have an imaginative mind!

There are quite a number of issues with your writing which I am sure would be relatively easy to fix.

CIARO? Did you mean Cairo? There are quite a few mistakes in this piece, It would be worth getting your work proof-read before submission to avoid this.

You describe the appearances of your characters - is it important to the plot?

Best to use Present Simple tense - stumble - rather than Present Continuous - are stumbling.

Get rid of the CONTINUEDs at top/ bottom of pages.

Dressed in shrubs?????? A shrub is a small tree! Do you mean scrubs?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I am impressed with the originality in this story. I don't think I've ever read anything quite like it and I've read thousands.

But the typos and grammar mistakes make this tough going. You should have a second pair of eyes proof your work (I always do).

Lastly, I really like the reveal that the father and son are secretly doing the same thing. Very cool.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

There are grammatical errors which are distracting. The story is not the type I normally read so I am probably not a good judge of creativity but it was interesting to say the least. I thought you did a good job escalating the story from the small and mundane to something much more epic although the shift was probably too dramatic, you may want to ease into a transition. There was some really good gruesome description. By the way, it's "scrubs" not shrubs (LMAO).

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

Wow. So interesting. It's a really cool idea and I would love to see it in a longer story. It's like Egyptian frankenstein but with the high religion aspect with the Gods and stuff. I thought for a moment Ammon's mother would show up as a Goddess or something.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

It's a very interesting story. Adventurous. Mystical. Violent and brutal. But beyond that I like the span you have placed into your characters. They literally strive to be Gods, but at the same time they have insecurities and long for love and approval.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

A whole lot of points for originality. It definitely had an icky feeling, but was told so matter-of-fact it almost felt like a dark comedy. It could be a good start for a longer story. There was lot packed into five pages.

All-in-all, even with the ickiness factor I kind of like it. Something completely different.

Good luck. Thank for entering.

David M Troop (Level 5)

Deep in the Nile

First of all, I must ask you this. Is this a true story?

Okay, seriously...
I am too scared to review this script. If I score it too low, will something happen to me or a loved one? Will some ancient curse fall on my head and turn me into a lion with the head of a social worker?

Okay, really...
I think you have a very creative mind. These images (as disturbing as they may be to us Americans) are pretty cool. I don't know too much about your culture, so I will not even begin to pick it apart. However, if you want to write in Hollywood, I would tone it down a little.
I suspect English is a second language for you, so you may want to have someone help you with your grammar before submitting your next script.

I respect your efforts. I enjoyed your narrative. You surely knew what you wanted to write and I think you succeeded. I was very entertained by this, and I think it shows great promise.
In all seriousness, I can not wait to read your next script.

Overall, I gave Deep in the Nile a GOOD.
Mostly because I'm afraid you might find out where I live.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

First off, the script is full of spelling and grammar errors. It's a hard story to follow. How did the characters get to the pyramids? It's a really hard story to follow. I didn't like the dual dialogue when it wasn't necessary. Just get a "poor" from me. Good luck.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A college graduate shares a gruesome secret with his father --

Let the story breathe. Too much was crammed into five pages so visuals were lean esp the gruesome scenes.

Strange. Looks like a an unsubmitted entry for the Mad Scientist contest. I don't mind. Mine is too.

A distracting read: CAIRO not CIARO - you don't need a spelling error in your opening heading. And the dropping of s after verbs and unnecessary dual dialog were also distracting.

I didn't buy into the father/son doing the same secret experiments. Was this meant to have comical overtones? Because it has a wonderfully overdramatic closing line. I could hear maniacal laughter -- by two mad scientists!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is fine but doesn't tell us much going in.
Craft - your craft is good but one very minor point is that FADE OUT should have a period after it not a colon and the "continued" at the bottom and top of every page are not necessary. You can disable that in your software.
Dialogue - the dialogue was sometimes hard to follow. As an example "We can do what we want to do now. The future is mine." Since he is saying "we" should it be "The future is OURS"?
Action lines - in your action lines, you often use a singular when it should be plural. You have "laugh", "pour", "strap" and "jump". All these would be better plural.
Story - I do not really understand this. I read it twice and do not understand how cutting off his friends head and combining it with an animal makes him a God.

James Feliciano (Level 1)

Good concept. I might rearrange the elements possibly. Let us discover these Gods plaing with people, rather than show us this so soon. Of course, how can you do this in the short space that you have. You might want to show more and talk less or cut down the scope of this script. In any event, I loved the concept and found it interesting. In a longer format, this could be a killer script.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This is an interesting story. I googled animal head on human body to see what i could find and saw things relating to egyptian gods.

in the end, not sure why this is happening. Why would both the dad and son look to do this? what does it mean about them or what are you saying through this story. That was not clear to me.

I would be interested more in the motivation behind these two rather than the graduation, partying scenes. Also, if I could learn about the egyptian beliefs more through the story since I am not familiar. i like the idea of using this in your story and would like to get more about these types of things.

I was expecting something to happen with the mother since you had one character reference her in the beginning but then the story didn't have anything to do with the mother.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

My father never COMES down here. Not "come", unless he's supposed to speak with an accent.

Ammon walks over and LAUGHS. Not Laugh.

What's not Whatz

PLACES not place. I can see English isn't your first language.

Their HEADS, not head.

I think you need to tell us how big these jars are from the beginning. I thought they were the size of jars you put jelly in. Not heads.

runs not run

grabs not grab

Stay not stayed

run not ran

begins not begin

Wouldn't the one guy on a bird's body head be dragging on the ground?

Was that a dream? I don't get why we are back at the basement. Where is this taking place? Why did the animals suddenly come of a pyramid? Is this where Ammon lived?

Okay, everything added up at the end. They created these creatures so they can be God. Cool.

The dialogue needed tremendous work. It sounded way too phony.

The beginning dragged on a bit too long too. Just cut to what this story is about, or give us subtle hints in the beginning. Like during graduation Ammon gets recognized for his brilliant mind. He helped someone complete the first face transplant or something. I don't know, but something relevant to what your story is about. I just thought this was going to be a comedy about a bunch of frat boys having a good time.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Whilst there are some very powerful images in this, they don't come together in a satisfying way.

One of the main problems I find is that you've shown what Ammon is doing, and how he's doing it, but not how the idea got in his head in the first place. Does he have an interest or knowledge in ancient Egyptian religion and myth? Has he spoken to the spirits of these Gods? Whatever has lead him to do what he does, I suggest you show it. After all there must be some impetus for this beheivior, especially since his Dad happens to do the exact same thing, it can't just be coincidence.

Also, the script indicates that Ammon has built a friendship with these guys over a long time ("We've been hanging, drinking, and gambling here for years"), I find it very hard to believe that he put up with them only because he planned to use them in this ritual someday, and if he didn't plan it then I don't imagine he could kill them so dismissively after their frendship.

Aside from this, there are also language problems, you often miss the 's' on the end of words. For example, on page one "turn around" should be "turns around". This nearly always happens with your present tense verbs, this webpage should help - http://www.eslgold.com/grammar/simple_present.html

The bottom line for me is that a script has to be quite exceptional if it wants to show particularly unpleasant acts and a horrible person doing horrible things, otherwise there's just not enough in it for your audience.

John Jones (Level 2)

Interesting idea. A bit of a surprise when the heads were lopped off. There were some spelling errors and some other small grammatical problems but it has potential. Was not sure if Lukman dumped his drink on the woman as a ploy to lick the drink off because he seems concerned that he couldn't afford another drink.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think you can indicate that Asim speaks with an accent - this way he will sound authentic as he does speak with an accent. I almost could hear it.

This "We’ve been hanging, drinking and
gambling here for years." I think is a bit on the nose.

I think you have to watch noun verb agreement - "The leg stopS twitching" - the examples of these are throughout.

It's a strange mix of horror and comedy for me. Not sure why.

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

The story is imaginative but I found out too late that it is a horror. The horror element is not set up in the beginning.

Ammon and his friends seem like ordinary college graduates and then suddenly there are these gruesome goings on in the basement of Ammon's home.

You did not present a way to allow the audience to feel attached to Ammon and his friends, so that someone would want to follow them on their journey. You show no indication of Ammon's lunacy before the unveiling of the "experiment." Build the tension, rather than having elements sort of jump out of the closet.

You also introduce a cultural concept in the story that many people may know nothing about. You have to create a way to teach them what you want them to learn. You can't assume that everyone knows.

Remember, in screenwriting, you want your story and characters literally to speak for themselves. The author/writer should be invisible.

Also, when English is not your first language, it's always best to have a proofreader look over your work before submitting it.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this has a lot of potential...it's very creepy (and would cost a lot to produce unless you know some special effects and make-up peeps) and unique. I think the modern Pharoahs angle is a great jumping off point for a horror movie so perhaps you could expand this into a feature?

it feels a little compressed, as if the 5 pages was too restrictive for this story, and the result makes it a little difficult to follow and some of the transitions (eg. the party to them on the tables) feel a bit jumpy and jarring (which may have been a choice)

but all in all, it was a satisfying story that made me want to read/know more.

giving a good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Colorful and visual description of bedlam. Poor Lukman and Asim, their heads attached to the bodies of a ram and a hawk, running amok. Quite an imagination.
There's some grammatical errors, but they should be simple to fix. It becomes clear that Asim has suffered the same fate as Lukman, but only Ammon attaching Lukman's head is described. Wonder if the frantic dialogue from Man, Lady, or Mr. Azizi is needed; the action makes it obvious that there's pandemonium.
A minor observation -- it's helpful to give characters names that begin with different letters in the alphabet; Ammon, Asim, and Azizi might be confused with one another.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The opening slugline: Do you mean Cairo? Not Ciaro? That's a major mistake that doesn't inspire confidence in the reader. Later on, Ammon is dressed in "shrubs", which is a hilarious mistake: it probably should be "scrubs." Other mistakes are sprinkled throughout. Make sure you proofread, or have someone else proofread, your work before you submit it to contests. Mistakes like these really distract from the story.

In the grotesque stitching scene: how do you stitch a hawk's head to a man's body? There's an obvious and problematic size difference between the necks.

The changes in the script seem to happen too abruptly: suddenly Ammon has mystical powers; suddenly Mr. Tor reveals that he has exactly the same pseudoscientific abilities. Why does the water of the Nile magically work in this instance?

I'm not sure what the takeaway message from the script is, either, since neither of these problematic characters ever receive a comeuppance. The ending is not a new shock, since the original shock happened back at the top of page 3. Everything after that is an anti-climax.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title. The first thing I thought was that it might be a play on words, as in "queen of denial." It's a good title no matter what you meant to imply, though. Very nice.

You can turn the MOREs and CONTINUEDs off in your writing program. You can use them if you want to, but they aren't required and leaving them out saves room for story. It adds to the white space on the page, too. Those are good things: Story and White Space.

You leave esses off some words - "Ammon smile with tears..." for instance. Use an "s" at the end of "smile." It indicates the tense. Pay a bit more attention to when you need an "s" and when you don't.

"Ammon stands dressed in shrubs, a cap over his hair and a mask around his nose and mouth." A couple of things with this sentence:

First, I'm pretty sure you meant "scrubs" instead of "shrubs." Shrubs are bushes and wearing them would indicate an attempt to camouflage himself.

Second, you can probably edit out the entire last part of this. Telling the reader he's dressed in scrubs is all you really need to elicit images of the cap and mask.

"Whatz going on? I can’t..." I'm not sure if you meant to misspell "whatz" or not. Using a "z" instead of an "s" is something a kid might use in a text or a note to a friend. In this case, use the correct spelling - "what's." I should probably stress that, at my age, a "kid" is anyone thirty and younger.

Differentiate between the friends with animal heads and the animals with friends' heads more. They're coming across as

It appears to me that you were struggling with the limited amount of space five pages gives you. You used several double dialogues and wrote right to the bottom of page five. May I make some suggestions and ask some questions?

You might want to eliminate the graduation scene and go right to the boys going down into the basement. The father can give Ammon a hug at the top of the stairs and the young men could still have on their gowns. The graduation is implied, the father's pride in his son is covered, and the opening is made for the basement scene.

The bar scene isn't necessary at all. Cover the past and present misbehavior in their basement dialogue.

Have you thought about implying the surgeries rather than elaborating on them? The audience probably only needs to see the beginning and the end results, and the end results are much more visually interesting than the surgeries. It could save you a page that could be used for something else.

Keep descriptions to as few words as you possibly can. It doesn't matter to the story that the father's hair is shaggy, for instance. Always give name, age and gender in a description, but let your reader do as much of the visualization as they can. The only time to add more to a description - like hair color or clothing - is when it involves something that's integral to the story itself.

The story and ending are great. The script needs some editing and a possible rewrite, but the basis for something really special is all here.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Congratulations. This is by far one of the weirdest stories I've ever read in my
life.

I really didn't get it. And a major problem is that I wasn't sure of the genre. It really seemed like a comedy but then I wasn't sure when his Dad entered the picture it seemed to get a little sad maybe. One thing was consistent though, and the was the wierdness.

I don't think English is your first language so I won't comment on the spelling/grammar issues except to say, have someone proofread before entering.

I feel bad because I don't know what to say to help you with this story. Just keep writing, you obviously have a wild and unique imagination!!!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the ending.

Some of the dialogue was a bit too formal and stilted for the teenaged characters. Occasionally it was also on the nose, for example "We’ve been hanging, drinking and gambling here for years."

I don't really understand or believe why Ammon does this to his friends.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

It is difficult to judge this story because of the many mis-spellings and problems with English. I did think the story was very interesting. One has to accept the magic required to bring the hybrid creatures back to life. I am not sure why the Father and Son were motivated to do this. It appears they wanted to be worshiped as Gods. Why the animals being let loose would reflect onto them as being Gods is something that I think needs a bit of explanation in the story.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I remember this script from the mad scientist contest. I reviewed it and then it disappeared. Must've gotten DQ'd.

I was surprised that after six months it still had all the typos that made it difficult to read the first time. It's odd because lots of times the noun-verb agreement is wrong, but sometimes it's right - even in the same sentence.

So assuming that this is due to trouble understanding noun/verb agreement (sorry if that's not the case), the rule is that when the noun is singular, then the verb must be singular also. Curiously though, to make a noun plural, we usually add an "s" and to make a verb singular, we usually add an "s", e.g. the boy runs, and the boys run.

So it seems like you know this rule, but maybe forgot to check the agreement here and there. Here is a list of the corretions to the typos that I noticed.

Page 1
Quickly he turns
fling their caps
Ammon smiles
One lady screams

Page 2
father never comes
Ammon walks over and laughs
Ammon stands dressed in scrubs
He pours some sand
Ammon places the glass
rubs sand around their necks
he places the heads
Ammon runs to a wall
He grabs two jars.

Page 3
He pours the water
The ram's eyes open
grabs the jar
swiftly runs to the corner
kneels and unwraps
Ammon's eyes grow big.
Lukman's eyes begin to flutter.
The leg stops twitching
he continuously falls down
screams out and faints
The tourists start
Some of them run back to town, others stay at the pyramid

Page 4
Everyone jumps up and runs.
Lukman on all fours, begins to run
Ammon stabs them

Page 5
raises his hand and points
Ammon slowly pulls
Ammon jumps
He smiles, then turns

Regarding the story, it was very original and totally freaked me out the first time I read it. It reminded me of the midnight horror double features I used to see as a teenager in the 70's.

I think the originality of your writing has promise, but the technical side could use some polish. I hope my comments are helpful.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Very unusual. I could really picture the half human creatures Ammon creates.

A lot of typos throughout which pulled me out of the story - you leave the 's' off many words and it makes me wonder if English is not your mother tongue and on page 2 shrubs should be scrubs.

Asim and Ammon are very similar names which makes it harder to indentify the characters
and the dialogue of all the characters is very similar - they all speak in the same way.

the scene changes were a liitle confusing - from the basement, to the pyramid and then back again.

The tone was unsure - is it horror? comedy? fantasy? And although you tell us it is 2011 it feels like it could be a period piece.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title:
Okay, nice play on words.

Pg 1:
Alright, nice set up. Goes quick and intense. I like the fact that the characters aren't your standard John, Barry and Peters.

Pg 2:
Wow that got weird fast. So now he's trading heads with hawks and such. Is this some kind of experiment? How is this even connected to the graduation?

Pg 3:
This sounds utterly bizarre but havent I already read such a script. I mean it is all so far out there but I can remember reading a similar story with graduation and body morphal and pyramids? Completely insane because this is so chaotic, how could I possibly have read a similar story? I guess this is a rewrite of something?

Pg 4:
Man, I'm interested in this train wreck now. Hooked even, but I don't know if this is for the right reasons. It all just feels so inane.

Pg 5:
What?

Sorry, I think I need some time alone now...this script has tainted my mind.
Some cool concepts, but turn down the insanity.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The formatting is tightening up. I have notice a few grammar and style errors. The sentence, “Ammon place the glass to their mouth and forced them to drink the water,” are both grammatically incorrect and in the past tense. “Ammon places the glass to their mouths and forces them to drink water,” is better. This can also be tighten up a bit. Ammon forces a glass of water into the mouths of two people. The two gulp.

In addition, “Ammon run,” is supposed to be, “Ammon runs.” There are other subject-verb agreement grammar errors in your sentences. You need to proofread Deep in the Nile if you want readers to take your screenplay serious.

Additionally, the dialogue is silted a little bit. Try saying your dialogue aloud and see how crisp the dialogue can be.

Something about this story tells me that you have too much going on in the story. A man graduates, then he privately holds a graduation party while his father is at work. He ends up decorating his basement, turning it into Egypt. Then the father comes in, gets frustrated for what Ammon did in the basement, then the father tells the son what he wants to do (I’m assuming rule Egypt, since he stated that he wanted to be God). I just don’t get what the payoff is. I wish I did though.

It was a good read. Good luck on your story.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

This was quite confusing on the whole, I never got a sense of what it was about from the first few pages and the last half was a bit crazy for my tastes. I think an explanation of the whole Egyptian thing would help.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I had trouble following this. The story seemed to be too loose at first then took a dark turn. I did not see the need to have side-by-side dialogue. It seemed like you kept it that way to stay under the five pages. I thought there would be a reveal about what happened to his mother as your foreshadowed in the opening and it might be better to keep it to one friend instead of both Asim and Lukman. There were some very unique and compelling images in here and I think there may be a short film with a great deal of impact if the focus is kept on telling a more concise narrative. Still, I love the originality in this. Nice submission.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This was not proofed very well, and the double-dialogue feels superfluous and unnecessary in this context.

And I am sorry, but this soon moves into territory that is just kind of absurd.

From a practical standpoint, you have enormously complex activities condensed into mere sentences of description, and scripts do not work that way.

For example, you cannot just say that your guy carefully stitches a ram head onto a dead body and leave it at that. I mean, that would take, what, 15 minutes or so? Per head? Who is going to watch that?

What I would suggest is a montage of this transformation, as opposed to a matter-of-fact description that gives nothing concrete for a potential director to latch onto in terms of your vision.

Or better yet, abandon the idea and return to the drawing board. Maybe there is some cultural aspect going on that I am missing, but I cannot see this script working on the screen no matter how the material is handled.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow, this is the most bizarre script I've read in a long time. It started off slow and simple, a boy graduates his father congratulates him, and then he goes off partying with his friends, then whammo! It goes into this dark story about him operating on his friends, cutting off their heads, etc etc.

You have a great imagination, that's for sure. As for the story, it's very strange and out there.

I can't say I loved it, just because it was so out there and seemed to go off on a tangent that I found it hard to follow and hard to 'believe'.

There are too many typos and grammar errors, that pulled me out of the story. Please proof your work. The occasional mistake can be overlooked but when there are too many it distracts and weakens the script.


It was unique, it has that going for it, there won't be anyone saying 'oh that reminds me of this other script I read' So that's a good thing.

Keep writing, I am curious as to how this one will be rated.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was awfully crazy and twisted story. Ammon seemed normal in the beginning and there wasn't any indication that he would do something so violent. The father and son duo of mad psycho killer's with serious problems on their hands.

This was an entertaining piece of horror, releasing the animals/creatures into society would be a terrible sight to see.

Creativity gets this a very good. Really enjoyed this one. Keep it up.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

First line by Mr. Tor is pretty on the nose, but I guess you have to start that sort of scene with what might be expected. However, Amman's reply isn't a matching response to what his father just said. Felt odd.

A number of small spelling and grammar errors... the most notable... Amman dressed in "shrubs". You mean scrubs. This error made me laugh out loud a little.

Since English is likely a second language, I encourage you to have native English speakers read your work before submitting in future contests. This will help to find those tiny things that you might not catch. Don't worry, though... I'm not marking you down for these issues... just noting them.

What I do have to mark you down for is the side by side dialogue cheat. You needed more than 5 pages for your story, so you tried the dual dialogue trick to squeeze more into the 5 pages. Dual dialogue should be used sparingly and only when people are talking at the same time (over each other). In this instance, they are not doing that. This is a craft issue and I urge you to remember these sorts of rules when people bring them to your attention.

Another place where your craft needs work and for similar reasons is on page 3. You have two characters speaking, but you have it in the narrative, not as character dialogue.

Probably the biggest consistent spelling/grammar issue is your lack of plurals. You forget the "s" at the end of words that need them and it makes the read kind of slow going.

You have a lot in this story, but there is too much story for 5 pages. You need to expand this to 10 pages and then we'll get everything that is apparently missing.


Comments Made After the Contest


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